Tag Archives: health issues

Getting Vaccinated (or I Didn’t Believe This Until It Happened)

Posted on March 4, 2021 | Comments Off on Getting Vaccinated (or I Didn’t Believe This Until It Happened)

For several months, I think we have all started to understand that the pandemic was not going to end here until people were vaccinated. That’s not how it had to be, but because of the very loose restrictions that were put in place, that’s what’s going to happen. I know other countries have gotten past this without a vaccine, but most Americans have been waiting on when they could be vaccinated to have that same feeling of safety.

When vaccines started, I knew I wouldn’t be vaccinated right away. Other groups were more urgent than anything I would be listed under. And for a little while, it was unclear what other groups would be prioritized after healthcare workers and older people. I assumed that there would be an option for people at a higher risk of death and that I might be in that group. And that’s one of the first groups I had heard about that I would be eligible for. But it wasn’t too clear when that group would be vaccinated or how it would be determined they were at high-risk.

I started to get some vaccine envy over others who could be vaccinated and it wasn’t hard for them to prove their eligibility. And then I discovered that I might end up being eligible about 2 weeks earlier because of one of my day jobs. My data entry job is technically in emergency and county communications, and that was one of the groups listed. But I decided to call Kaiser at the end of this past week to talk to them about my options and I figured I would be waiting until later this month when high-risk people would be eligible and I just hoped I would discover how to make that happen while on the call.

To my surprise, when I called in, they agreed I would be eligible in the group for my day job. I wasn’t expecting that at all, and I sure wasn’t expecting to get an appointment so quickly! I called in on Friday and they asked if I wanted to make an appointment time for a vaccine on Sunday! Of course, I said yes because I have been saying for so long that I couldn’t wait for the vaccine.

But even after I had the appointment set and could see it listed on the Kaiser app, I was worried something would happen. Maybe they would decide I wouldn’t be eligible or that it was a mistake that I had an appointment. I brought a lot of paperwork with me to my appointment to show my job (like tax forms, contracts, agreements of responsibilities), but it was a very simple process when I got to Kaiser. I was very overprepared for what I needed.

When I arrived, I checked in and was immediately brought over to a desk to set up my second vaccine appointment. Since I had to have an appointment 21 days later, they wanted to make sure that I would have my spot before I got my vaccine. Then I had to wait in a waiting room for about 10 minutes for my turn to go back. I was nervous because I hate needles no matter what. But I was also excited since I couldn’t believe that something I have been waiting for was finally here.

The actual shot wasn’t too bad. I did black out a little (as expected), but I didn’t completely pass out. And even though others have said that it was painless and they didn’t feel the needle, I did. But it didn’t hurt much worse than a flu shot. Then I was brought into another waiting area where I had to wait for 15 minutes so they could make sure that I didn’t have any bad reaction. I wasn’t too worried that I would since nobody I know who has been vaccinated had a bad reaction after the shot. But I know they have to be careful. So I sat there and read my book before the nurse came over and told me I could leave.

I know the vaccine doesn’t change everything. Especially since this is only the first vaccine. I will still be wearing masks and staying home whenever I can. I’m not going to be making any huge changes to my life, but at the same time, it is a huge relief. I know that I don’t have to be in as much fear as I have been in the past year. I know that I won’t be as high-risk as I have been. And I know that for each of us who is vaccinated, we are that much closer to being at the end of this.

And of course, I took a selfie in my car with my vaccine card after. I feel like everyone is doing it, and I’m not ashamed to be a part of this trend. It is exciting and something to celebrate.

My next vaccine is in about 2 1/2 weeks. I’m not too nervous for that one beyond the normal nerves I have with shots. I know several people had bad side effects for a day or two after, but I’m ready for that. After this first shot, I had a bad headache and a lot of pain in my arm for about 2 days. But whatever side effects I have for the next one, I know it will be temporary and worth it. And in about 4 1/2 weeks, I will have the antibodies and should be fully protected. Again, that won’t change my behavior that much, but I will be more willing to take some risks (like going to the outdoor workouts) once that happens.

I still can’t believe I was so lucky. And I know that now vaccine production has been increased, everyone should be able to get a vaccine within the next few months. We are almost there and I can’t wait to be on the other side of this.

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Vaccine Envy Is Real (or Trying To Stay Positive)

Posted on February 25, 2021 | Comments Off on Vaccine Envy Is Real (or Trying To Stay Positive)

The other day on the news, they were talking about people experiencing vaccine envy. This is when you are upset that you haven’t been vaccinated when others have and you may do things that aren’t the best to try to get vaccinated sooner. Some people have tried to lie about their age or job in order to be vaccinated in a higher-risk group. Others have tried to bribe doctors to let them cut the line.

And there are some legitimate ways to jump the line if you have the time and ability to do so. Most places will have leftover doses at the end of the day. They have to use up all the doses in a vial because they cannot be put back in the freezer. So different states have organized different ways to be on a waitlist or standby list for those extra doses at the end of the day. Los Angeles doesn’t have a great system for this, but it’s still possible to be lined up for the chance at an early vaccine. A friend of mine did that and waited outside in a line all day and was one of the lucky few toward the front of the line that got a vaccine that day.

I have no problem with the standby lines since it is better to see the vaccine go to someone who wants it than to throw doses away. But I do see that it can be a privilege to be able to wait in line all day. Other states have online lists you can join and you are notified if there are extra doses. And maybe LA will do that soon. But for now, I can’t take a day off work to wait in line and I’m ok waiting my turn.

Hopefully, my turn for a vaccine will be soon. There are two ways I should be eligible for a vaccine in March. But getting an appointment for a vaccine is still tough to find here and because one is based on a medical condition, there aren’t a lot of things out there about how to get an appointment. I called my hospital and they don’t have a policy in place just yet. But they told me to keep checking the recorded phone line and to call when I hear of a way I could get my appointment set up. I don’t blame anyone for the confusion about the next round of appointments for people who are eligible. It’s confusing for everyone and I know everyone involved is trying their best with the information they have at the moment. And that information changes often.

And while I don’t have vaccine envy the way that some people do with trying to find any way to get a vaccine, I know I do have a form of vaccine envy. Or maybe it could be a lack of concern about the pandemic envy. For almost a year, I have rarely left my house and rarely seen anyone in person. I have been taking so many precautions to not get sick. And while I’m so grateful I have physically stayed healthy, mentally this time has been so hard on me. And I wish I could be someone who wasn’t always in fear of getting sick. I wish I didn’t stress out about seeing friends because they might not be taking the same precautions as I am. I miss having a life outside of the walls of my house. And in a way, I’m jealous of people who don’t care. I know that caring about being safe is important and if more people did that then maybe things wouldn’t be as bad. But it’s still hard to not be jealous of those who don’t care and haven’t had to give up their life for almost a year.

But I know this time is temporary. I will get a vaccine. Hopefully, it’s next month, but even if it isn’t, I will be getting one eventually. And I am luckier than most because I will be eligible in one of the next groups. It’s just a matter of time for when I get an appointment. And I know that getting a vaccine won’t fix everything or make it completely safe for me. But it will take the edge off of my fear and I won’t have to worry as much about COVID killing me. And having even a little of my fear go away is something I can’t wait for and is giving a little hope even when I’m having darker moments.

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Pushing Through Feeling Off (or Hopefully This Doesn’t Last For 3 Months)

Posted on February 10, 2021 | Comments Off on Pushing Through Feeling Off (or Hopefully This Doesn’t Last For 3 Months)

When I started taking the new medication my dermatologist wanted me on, I knew that I was going to have some side effects from it. I’ve taken that medication a few times before and it’s always made me feel a little queasy. It’s a mix of nausea and hunger. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like my stomach is empty but also that if I try to eat anything that I’d be sick.

Every time I took the medication before, it was for a short time. Usually for a week or maybe 2 weeks. And when I took it, I felt sick for those weeks but it stopped as soon as I stopped taking it. So when I heard that I should try taking it for 3 months, I was a bit worried. I knew that I was going to feel sick, but I was trying to convince myself that my body would get used to it and it wouldn’t last the entire time.

I’m not quite at 2 weeks on the medication yet. And this past week I’ve been dealing with my regular nausea. So I can’t really judge how things are going. And I’m still hopeful that somehow my body will adjust to the medication and everything will be fine soon. But for the past 2 weeks, it’s been hard to feel ok. I’ve just been feeling off and a bit miserable. And I’m just trying to push through this time and get to a point where I hopefully will feel ok.

I guess in some sense, I’m lucky because I have been on this medication before and was prepared for the side effects. And I have been dealing with nausea for a long time so I have good things I can do for that. But no matter how much preparation I’ve done, it always seems to knock me down when I have really bad nausea.

It is nice that I have nothing to do and nothing to go to when I feel sick like this. I can spend my day (at least the part of the day that I’m not working) in bed or on the couch and trying to feel better. But I also wonder if having something to do would be a nice distraction from how I feel. I know I miss having things happening in my life, so it would be a good distraction from my boredom too. But maybe it would be a distraction from how I feel. Of course, I say that now and I can almost guarantee that if I was feeling this way and my life was super busy that I’d be wishing I had nothing to do so I could stay home and rest.

I still have about 10 weeks before my next appointment with my dermatologist and we discuss if I’m going to stay on the medication or not. I know that I can make it that long even if I don’t get over these side effects. But I’m going to try to keep my mindset positive and that at some point I will stop feeling sick. I know that it’s possible to have that happen so it’s not too out there of an idea. And if that happens, I think I’ll feel much better about what will happen at my next dermatologist appointment. I don’t want to worry about having to stay on this medication if it happens to help (it’s too early to tell that just yet).

But until things turn around for me, I just need to keep practicing self-care, being gentle with myself and hoping for the best.

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Another Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There)

Posted on February 4, 2021 | Comments Off on Another Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There)

Earlier this week, I had my check-in with my therapist. As it’s been for a while, it was another video appointment. Even before the pandemic, a lot of my appointments were phone or video ones. And I’m ok with that because these appointments are more about checking in with medication things and not doing deeper therapy sessions as I did in the past.

I had to fill out a questionnaire before my video appointment, and it was the same one that I’ve done before. But the questions are as easy to answer as they used to be. For example, there is a section where you list if you never, sometimes, often, or always feel certain emotions. Some of the emotions are easy for me to answer. There are a few questions about if I feel like I want to harm myself or others, and that’s an easy one to say never. But then, there was a section about feeling lonely and isolated.

Of course I feel lonely and isolated! I am lonely and isolated! My last hug was 3 months ago. I don’t see my friends. I rarely speak to another person that isn’t over the phone or computer (I appreciate small talk with cashiers when I’ve gone to the grocery store so much now). Even though I could easily list that I always feel that way, I didn’t know if that was going to trigger anything before my appointment. So I listed it as often instead.

And when my appointment started, I immediately explained things to my therapist. I said that I know it appears that I’m doing worse than normal, but it’s just because the questionnaire hasn’t been adjusted for pandemic life. She and I had a bit of a laugh over it because she understood what I meant.

I saw this post on social media a few hours after my appointment, but I wish I had seen it before because it was perfect. It said something like “I’m pandemic ok which is normal awful”. And I think that’s exactly how I feel. If this was before and I felt like this, I’d be more concerned. But now, I think it’s ok that I’m having these struggles. I’d be more concerned if I didn’t have any struggles. If I felt normal in these abnormal times, I know I’d need help. But my struggles are what most people are feeling right now so it’s normal.

After going over my questionnaire, we talked about my medication. I had a bit of an unexpected break from taking Vyvanse when I was dealing with vertigo. When I was having difficulty getting out of bed, taking medication was the last thing on my mind. But it was ok to take a break and I’m back on it normally now. We discussed maybe changing up my medication because it could be good for me. But just like in my last appointment, both my therapist and I agree that making any changes now wouldn’t be the smartest thing unless I needed to. Because of these unusual times, it would be hard to know if my mental state is being affected by medication or the pandemic. But I liked the plan my therapist had for me with adding in a different medication and I think that I will try it when life is a bit more normal again.

That was pretty much all we discussed in my appointment. We did talk about wanting to feel safe again and hoping that everyone will be vaccinated soon. My fears about being out in public are valid and I’ll likely feel that way until I have been vaccinated. I think most people who have gotten both shots have said they have felt like a weight was lifted from their shoulders. While they are still nervous and cautious, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. And I look forward to that feeling.

My next appointment will be in 6 months. When we were scheduling it, the first date my therapist suggested was actually my birthday. I told her that and she agreed that another day might be a better option (I’m trying to believe that my birthday this year will be spent with friends and it will be safe to do that). So I have another video appointment about a week after my birthday. And maybe by then, I will be able to say that I’m doing ok and not just pandemic ok.

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Going In For A Doctor Appointment (or Making A Plan With My Dermatologist)

Posted on February 3, 2021 | Comments Off on Going In For A Doctor Appointment (or Making A Plan With My Dermatologist)

I had mentioned before that I had a really bad flare-up of my autoimmune disease. I’ve dealt with flare-ups since I was a teenager, but the one that I had recently was the worst it’s ever been. And despite hoping I could be prescribed something over the phone to help it, I also knew that there was almost no chance that would happen and I’d have to go in for an appointment. I was right and I had the appointment this past week.

In the past year, the only times I’ve been to the hospital were for urgent care, getting my flu shot, and picking up prescriptions that couldn’t be mailed. I don’t want to have to be there if I can help it right now. And of course, when I had to go, we were experiencing some of the worst numbers we’ve ever had. Fortunately, where my dermatologist is located is a side building next to the main hospital. So it wasn’t that crowded and I only saw one other person in the waiting room.

Even though my dermatologist has seen me before (he’s the one who did the small surgery on my face) and he technically confirmed I had this condition, he still wanted to make sure that he evaluated me correctly and properly put in a diagnosis from him. The autoimmune disease I have is called Hidradenitis suppurativa (or HS). Basically, it’s an inflammatory condition that causes me to have these bumps under my skin that can be extremely painful. Sometimes, they can come to the surface of my skin and it can look like acne or ingrown hair. So a lot of people are misdiagnosed for a long time. I wasn’t properly diagnosed for about 8 years. For me, it’s always been somewhat minor. I didn’t have severe flare-ups as some people have. And I still don’t have it nearly as bad as most. But it can still be extremely painful and I feel like when I have a bad flare-up I usually have other issues like fatigue.

There’s no real cure for HS, but there are treatment options. And the one I was most familiar with was an injectable medication that can help. But it can also make you immunocompromised, so I knew I didn’t want to try that (at least not now). But my dermatologist is one of the few doctors who is very familiar with HS and how to manage it. So I was ready to hear what he had to say when we discussed this more seriously.

He quickly confirmed my diagnosis (which I knew would happen) and talked to me about a few different treatment options. He knew my issues with the injectable medication for now, so we didn’t really talk about that. But he did discuss some surgical options. I didn’t realize I would be a good candidate for surgery, but it was interesting to hear how it can be a permanent solution for a specific area. I don’t want to do surgery just yet, but I’m glad he brought it up so I could do some research on my own so I can be more familiar with it if it comes up again as a good option for me.

There are a few things I already do, like using specific soaps, but I knew there were other topical options as well as medications I could try. And my dermatologist decided that trying a daily pill would be the best one for me to start with. This isn’t a cure and it won’t make it go away forever, but it has the possibility to make my flare-ups not as frequent or severe. There’s no guarantee it will work, but I’m willing to give it the time to work. So for the next 3 months, I’m testing out this medication and will go back in for another appointment when I’m done. Then we will take it from there.

Maybe this medication will work and maybe it will fail. I will say that it’s almost been a week and my pain isn’t as bad. I still have a lot of flare-ups, but they are getting smaller. But that could just be the regular lifecycle of them. I’m trying to stay optimistic because at least I’m trying something. And if this doesn’t work, I’m just grateful that my doctor is going to keep working with me on this. I’ve had doctors in the past who didn’t understand how HS worked and the treatment options and they were offering solutions that I knew wouldn’t work. Having someone on my team who gets it is a huge victory on its own.

All I can do for now is continue to take the medication and hope for the best. And in 3 months, we’ll see what the next step will be. But it’s still more of a plan than I’ve had in a long time, which is giving me a lot of hope.

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My First Doctor Appointment In A While (or Not Everything Can Be Done Over The Phone)

Posted on January 22, 2021 | Comments Off on My First Doctor Appointment In A While (or Not Everything Can Be Done Over The Phone)

Last year, I didn’t go to a lot of doctor appointments that I was planning on having. Because of the pandemic, I didn’t want to have to go to the hospital more than I needed to. And while some of my appointments were regular ones, the ones I skipped weren’t urgent and I knew I could put them off for a little while. If any of my doctors told me I had to go to an appointment, I would have gone. But nothing was needed and I think all my doctors understood why I was postponing them.

One of the appointments I skipped was with my dermatologist. That appointment was going to be for a regular annual checkup and most of what is done at those appointments are things like skin checks for skin cancer. Since I didn’t really go out in the sun at all last year, I didn’t think having my skin checked for sun damage was really necessary. I also had some other questions I wanted to ask my doctor, but again, nothing was urgent so I was fine putting it off.

But then my autoimmune condition flared up really badly and I knew that I needed to get some more help than what I can do on my own. My dermatologist wasn’t the one who diagnosed me (that was another doctor), but he was the most recent one to discuss treatment options with me so I figured he would be the right person to reach out to. I started with just an email to my doctor and he wanted to set up a phone appointment to talk about what’s going on. I was hoping somehow a phone appointment would be enough for me to get some help even though this was discussing something with my skin.

I had my phone appointment the other day and it went ok. I discussed the pain I was in and what options I knew I was ok with and what I wasn’t ok with (there is one medication I could try but it would make me immunocompromised so I don’t want to do that). But like I suspected, this type of appointment wasn’t really able to be done on the phone and my doctor said I needed to come in.

Fortunately, I was able to get an appointment for next week, so things should be better for me soon. And I am lucky because my dermatologist is familiar with my autoimmune condition (it’s not something that all doctors understand or have experience treating). He wants to go over a few options that I have for treating things and he didn’t seem too worried about my concerns with some medications. So I’m hopeful that after next week I will have a good idea of a treatment plan I can work with.

I’ve had this issue for a long time and have tried a few different treatments in the past, but I’ve never really worked with one doctor who was very familiar with it and was willing to work on a long-term plan with me. I’ve had other doctors who wanted me to temporarily try one medication or another to see what it would do, even though the studies say those medications don’t work. That’s why I never have stuck it out with one doctor or a treatment plan. But now, I feel good about going forward with this and I’m hoping that in a week or so I will have a better idea about how I can get out of pain and maybe make it so I don’t have to deal with this as often as I do. I know it’s not likely to be resolved right away, but feeling like I’m on a path to figuring it out will be helpful.

I am a little nervous about having to go into the hospital for this appointment, but the medical offices are not the same building as the main hospital. So I won’t be around as many people and those who are going in for more serious things will be in a different building. And I’m sure there is some sort of plan so that there aren’t too many people in the waiting room at one time.

Even if I feel totally comfortable after this appointment with how things go at the hospital, I still think I will be waiting on some other appointments for a little while. Unless I have something come up where I need to be seen sooner or my doctors tell me they want me to come in, I want to wait until I am vaccinated and the case numbers are a bit more under control. And then I can go in and take care of everything I skipped.

Hopefully, next week goes just as smoothly as I hope it will be and I will have a good treatment plan in the works and out of the pain that I’ve been in for a while.

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Getting Hopeful About The Vaccine (or Why I’m Being Even More Careful Now)

Posted on January 21, 2021 | Comments Off on Getting Hopeful About The Vaccine (or Why I’m Being Even More Careful Now)

Since March, I’ve been very careful with what I do. I don’t leave my house that often. I try to get most of the things I need delivered to my house so I can avoid going to the store. There are a few times I do go to the store to get things, but that’s pretty rare. I usually only do that if it’s a store that I can’t get things delivered to me or if I have an urgent need to get something (like when I needed more bandages and had to go to CVS instead of waiting on a delivery).

I have seen friends and family very few times. When I do see people, it’s typically wearing masks and I’m doing a full quarantine before and after. If I can’t be outside when I see people, usually windows and doors are open. I know that even doing that isn’t as safe as it can be, but it’s better than not taking any precautions and I have tried to limit those visits as much as I can. It’s hard to not see anyone in real life, so having a few times where I can see people has helped in the very lonely moments.

I feel like in a way I have become a bit of a germaphobe and agoraphobic, but I feel like these fears are temporary and should go away once it’s safer to be out and I don’t feel like it’s a big health risk to be out and about. I’m not fearful of anything other than COVID as far as germs go. So once that isn’t an issue, I don’t see why I would still be scared. I want to leave my house and do more, but COVID is the one thing holding me back from doing that right now.

And with all the precautions and measures I’ve been taking lately, I’ve actually started to do more work to keep me safe now. This may seem odd because we now have a vaccine and people are starting to be vaccinated, but that’s exactly why I am being more careful now.

I feel very good about the vaccine. It is amazing how well it is showing to stop COVID and the technology that led to this vaccine might be able to do some great things for other diseases and conditions. I will be getting the vaccine the moment that I am able to. I still have to wait because I’m not in a group that is eligible yet, but I hope that in the next month or two I will be able to get my first shot.

My brother (who works in an ER) has already gotten both of his shots. My parents (who fit into the older age category) got their first one earlier this week and have an appointment for their second one next month. My cousin (who is a nurse) has also already gotten one vaccine. I’m so grateful that my family is hopefully going to be safe and soon I won’t have to worry about them as much as I have been worried over the past year.

And it’s just a matter of time before I will get a vaccine and be protected. But I don’t want to be the person who takes risks before being fully vaccinated and gets sick at the end. I remember reading stories of people who died right before they could have been saved, and to me, that is one of the saddest things. In almost all of those cases, the people died at no fault of their own. But in this case, I can have a little control over whether or not I get sick. I don’t have to take risks now when we are almost at the end. The finish line is closer and I don’t need to rush anything. I don’t love being isolated, but I’m almost done with it. And being isolated for another few months is worth knowing that I am safe and healthy.

I do not want to get sick when I am so close to not having to worry about it. And hopefully, once I’m vaccinated there will be enough people vaccinated that we will see a big decrease in cases. That will protect others who won’t be vaccinated yet. There will be a snowball effect of decreasing risk. And while we don’t know if this is going to be an annual thing that we need to be vaccinated against, like the flu, I think we all need to see that we can get past this time to feel better about any times we have to battle it in the future. If we see the vaccines end the pandemic, hopefully if there needs to be an annual booster people will get it.

I know that I won’t be able to just be free and do anything once I’m vaccinated, but I think it will help take the edge off of my fear about getting sick. I will still take a lot of precautions and will probably stay isolated a little longer until more people are vaccinated and the cases are much lower than they are now. But knowing I’m almost safe and protected is giving me so much hope and I just have to keep going with that feeling.

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Default ThumbnailFlu Shot Time (or Another Health-Related Post) Default ThumbnailLA Is Shut Down Again (or Somehow This Makes Me Feel Better) Default ThumbnailTrying To Be Cautious But Not Overreact (or Aware Of The News) Default Thumbnail6 Months In (or I Want To Hope We Aren’t Doing This For 6 More Months) Default ThumbnailStruggling To Figure Out Challenges Right Now (or I’m Just Going To Try To Stay Hopeful) Default ThumbnailBack To The Same Workout Debate (I Don’t Know What To Do)

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Having My Story Out There (or Welcome To Any New Readers!)

Posted on December 15, 2020 | Comments Off on Having My Story Out There (or Welcome To Any New Readers!)

Back in July, I wrote a post about how I was a guest on a new podcast. I was invited to be on Brianne Davis-Gantt’s Secret Life Podcast. It was a podcast that hadn’t come out yet, but I heard about it through Brianne’s husband. He had posted about the new podcast and invited anyone who has a secret in their life to submit their story. Even though my eating disorder isn’t really a secret anymore, it was a big secret in my life for a long time. And I know that it is a secret for so many people.

I had the best time recording this podcast episode over the summer. Brianne was wonderful and she made me feel so at ease. This was the first time we had met, but she was so open and friendly and it felt like I was just sharing my story with a friend. I didn’t feel judged at all, which is so important when sharing a secret. And I felt like we had an amazing conversation.

We did discuss this blog a bit (which is why I might have some new readers) and how I originally wasn’t going to write about my eating disorder on here. Before starting this blog, I had another one that was going to be anonymous where I thought I could be open and honest about what was happening. But by hiding who I was, I wasn’t being open. And that was a big reason why my first blog failed. And with this blog, I wasn’t going to share that part of my life because I was terrified about how people would react. But sharing my story on here was the best decision I made for myself and it has only benefitted me. I have received a little negativity after sharing my story, but it has been so out there that it hasn’t bothered me (like someone blaming my eating disorder on not praying every day). Sharing has been such a good thing and I’m so grateful that I had another chance to do it.

I will admit, I was a little nervous between recording the episode and it when it was released. Mainly, I was nervous that I sounded dumb or said something I didn’t mean the way it sounded. I’m aware that I can sound dingy at times, and my vocal inflections don’t help that. But I hoped that I sounded the way I wanted to. And even though I felt pretty certain that the reaction to the episode would be positive, you never know. But it’s only been out for a day, and it’s already getting good feedback! And I am so happy about that!

And I would love for you all to listen to it as well! I hope that you find that it’s a slightly different take from how I share about my eating disorder here. And I highly recommend subscribing to the Secret Life Podcast and listening to the other episodes. I have been subscribed since the beginning and every episode has been incredible. I almost don’t feel worthy to have my story on there because I don’t know if it’s as good as the others. But I am trying to shut that little voice down and remind myself that my story is important too.

And if you are new here, as I mentioned in the episode, I have some resource links available if you are looking for help. It’s hard to start getting help, but as long as you are ready to receive the help you get it can be amazing. I know for me, I had the information way before I was ready. Before I was ready, I couldn’t really take it in and I wasn’t able to implement the things I needed to. But once I was ready to start my journey toward recovery, I’m so glad I had a lot of information I could use and it has been a great tool for me.

Thank you again to Brianne and Mark for letting me be a part of the podcast! I really am so grateful that you gave me this chance. And by putting myself out there in a different way and being honest to more people, I think this might help me just as much (or more) than it helps people who listen to it. I know that keeping a secret can only make things worse. So being more and more honest hopefully will only make things better.

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Default ThumbnailContinuing To Find Ways To Be Creative (or Podcasts and Online Shows) Default ThumbnailHaving To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others) Default ThumbnailBeing As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward) Default ThumbnailBinge Eating In The Media (or More Help Might Be On The Way) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike) Default ThumbnailFeeling Normal Again (or Happy To Be Back In Control)

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Feeling Like I’m Catching Up (or A Month With Vertigo)

Posted on December 4, 2020 | Comments Off on Feeling Like I’m Catching Up (or A Month With Vertigo)

It’s been about a month since I got sick with vertigo. Even though it was more severe than I ever had experienced, I thought it wouldn’t take too long to get over it. I had never had vertigo last a day, so I thought I just needed to recover the day it hit me and the next day it might be better. I had no idea how bad it would get (since the second day was actually worse than the first) or how long it would take to recover.

I don’t know if I’m completely over it. I still have moments where I need to catch or steady myself. I still feel like things are a little harder for me than they used to be. Most of the time, I’m not feeling dizzy, but occasionally it does hit me and I need to let it pass. But those moments are becoming rare and they pass quickly.

It felt like it took forever to recover and things progressed slowly. It took almost a week before I felt like I could walk without holding onto a wall. For over 2 weeks, I would have to sit down from time to time in the shower because I would get hit with vertigo. My workouts are still a bit tough, but I’m noticing a difference. For example, for a while, any exercise on my back made the room spin (like doing crunches). Now, I notice a little bit of swaying when I do floor exercises or get up off the floor, but it’s not as constant as it was.

Now that I’m finally feeling better, I’m starting to do all the things that I had been putting off. Most of it is related to cleaning since I wasn’t keeping up with cleaning my house. But I also have been working on little projects that I had to put on hold. Some of these projects are more idea-type things and not physical projects, but I still stopped working on them when I wasn’t feeling ok. When you are dizzy a lot, you don’t feel like you can focus on writing stuff down or researching. And it took a while before I felt comfortable spending a lot of time sitting at my computer. Even when I could sit at my computer, I was taking a lot of breaks to rest. Now, I feel like I can do a full day of working if I had to.

There aren’t a ton of things I need to do since there isn’t much going on in my life. But it still feels good to be able to get things accomplished and feel like I’m doing something with my day. I’m still a bit cautious to not do too much in case that makes me have vertigo again, but I am pushing myself to get more and more each day. And that means I get to feel more and more accomplished each day. That’s a feeling I have been missing and it’s nice to have it back again.

A month ago, I had no clue vertigo could be as bad as it was. I only had experienced short bouts of it and to me, those were horrible enough. It’s awful when the world is spinning around you and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. But it has always stopped just as quickly as it started and I was able to move on with my day. I had never experienced this slow recovery from vertigo and having to learn how to deal with whatever it is like each day. It’s been a learning process, not just how to deal with vertigo but how to be patient with recovering. I still am impatient and not good at letting myself take time to get better. But I’m working on it. I hope that I never experience vertigo like this again, but if I do I hope that I am more prepared to deal with it and I can have an easier recovery than I have had this past month.

And hopefully, in another week or two, this will all be a memory and I won’t be thinking about vertigo at all. I’m ready to be over it and feeling completely normal again. I know that I won’t be living a completely normal life when I’m over it because things are still weird here with safer at home orders, but I’m ready to be dealing with only 1 weird thing at a time.

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Default ThumbnailStill Dealing With Vertigo (or This May Take A While To Recover From) Default ThumbnailAlmost Missing An Entire Week Of Workouts (or Another Issue With Vertigo) Default ThumbnailDealing With A Small Setback (or At Least I Can Manage Vertigo A Bit More) Default ThumbnailAnother Thing Vertigo Screwed Up For Me (or Wrapping Up My 2020 Challenges) Default ThumbnailAll My Plans Didn’t Happen (or Vertigo Knocked Me Down) Default ThumbnailFinally Able To Drive Again (or Feeling Like I Have Some Freedom)

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Finally Able To Drive Again (or Feeling Like I Have Some Freedom)

Posted on November 25, 2020 | Comments Off on Finally Able To Drive Again (or Feeling Like I Have Some Freedom)

When I came down with vertigo, there was no question that I couldn’t drive. I mean, for the first few days I couldn’t even stand. I was barely moving from beyond my bed. So there was also no reason for me to think about driving or doing anything. And for the first week of vertigo, I pretty much felt the same way. I wasn’t doing much at all and I didn’t even think about anything outside my door. Even just going across my driveway to do laundry seemed like a journey.

The second week with vertigo, I was making more and more progress. I still knew I couldn’t drive because of how often I was experiencing dizziness. I was feeling a bit more stir crazy that week because I wasn’t going anywhere and I hadn’t really been going anywhere for the few weeks before I got sick because I was quarantining to prepare to see my family. I wanted to get out and just do something. Even driving around aimlessly for a little while seemed like a treat that I wanted. But I couldn’t do it until I felt confident enough that I could drive.

Finally, over this past weekend, I was starting to feel almost normal again. I still occasionally experience moments of swaying, but it’s very different from the dizziness I was having for the two weeks prior. So I decided it was time to push myself a bit more. I wanted to be cautious with driving, so my first time driving again was only 3 blocks to run to the store for some things. I knew that I could always pull over and turn off my car if I had to. But I was not really experiencing much vertigo when I was sitting still. It was pretty much only when I was standing up.

And that first outing was a success! I did have a few moments of swaying while I was in the store, so I just leaned on the shelves for a moment to let it pass. But it was almost nothing compared to what I had been dealing with. And driving back was just as easy as driving there. So I finally felt more confident about driving.

On Monday, I did some more driving again. My phone has been dying lately. It’s pretty old in terms of how smartphones age, but the biggest issue I was having was a lack of battery power. I would charge it and unplug it at 100% and it would be dead within an hour. While I’ve been home, it’s not a huge deal because I can always charge it, but it’s been an inconvenience when I wanted to do something on my phone and not have to be next to a wall charger. And I had been wanting to get a new phone for a while. I know it’s not the most financially responsible thing to do, but at the same time I use my phone for work stuff and I think having a small thing that makes me happy is worth spending a bit more than normal. This isn’t something I do often. I try to use technology until it’s really dead. So I got a good phone in the hopes that this one will last me several years.

Driving to get the phone was a bit further than the store, but it was just as successful as my other drive. Again, I was driving on surface streets and not freeways so I knew I could always pull over if I needed to. But I’m glad I didn’t. I did have some moments of swaying at the store getting my phone, but I was also there for 2 hours (there were some weird things on my account that made take a bit longer to finish the purchase) so standing for 2 hours is a pretty long time considering what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks.

I also did some more errands yesterday. These were things I needed to do like go to the grocery store (I do use grocery delivery, but there are some things I have to get in person). I’m not planning on driving every day, but that’s how things worked out for the past few days. Although the more I think about it, maybe doing a little driving or outing each day would be good for me. I don’t have to do anything that involves me getting out of my car to keep it safe, but not feeling trapped in my house is nice.

And besides not feeling trapped, I feel much more free knowing I can drive again. It’s not just the freedom of being able to drive, but the freedom of being able to do things for myself. I have gained a little independence that I didn’t have while I couldn’t drive. I can go out and do errands myself and not depend on others. I don’t like having to ask other people to do things for me. It’s a little bit of pride and a little bit of not wanting to be a hassle or problem. I know it’s not a big deal to ask people to help me and I’m always happy to help my friends. I just struggle with letting myself ask. And while I do want to work on that, I’m glad for now I can do things for myself again and I can feel a bit more normal.

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Default ThumbnailDealing With A Small Setback (or At Least I Can Manage Vertigo A Bit More) Default ThumbnailAlmost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early) Default ThumbnailFinally Getting Back To Feeling Like Me (or A Transitional Workout Week) Default ThumbnailCelebrating A Friend’s Birthday (or Not Letting Feeling Gross Stop Me From Being Social) Default ThumbnailFeeling Sick Just Isn’t Fun (or I Was Already Doing Nothing) Default ThumbnailDoing A Lot While Sitting (or Weird Productivity)

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