Last week I got a text from my agents. They typically only text me when I have an audition, so I immediately took a look at my phone to see what audition they had gotten for me! But instead of the text saying I have an audition, it said that I had a potential audition but before they confirmed me for it they wanted to double-check about one thing. They wanted to make sure I was ok being in a bikini. As an actor, you feel like you have to say yes to whatever (unless it’s something not safe like they ask you to ride a horse and you are terrified of horses), so I said yes right away.
The only problem was I didn’t have a bikini.
I have the bathing suit that I wore in Hawaii, but that was a tankini and this audition notice said specifically that the actor must be comfortable in a 2 piece bikini. I had a couple of days before the audition, so I figured I had time to find a bikini top and figure out a way to feel confident in it.
I’ll be honest, shopping for the bikini top sucked. I had to go to multiple stores with no luck. It seems like no place carried bikini tops in my size. I was able to find a ton of skirted one pieces or baggy suits, but nothing fun or cute. And it was too close to order something I could find online. Finally I had to realize that I was going to have to spend a decent amount of money on the top and I figured I could keep the tag inside and return it after the audition.
I eventually found a top that worked at Torrid (and had a coupon to save some money on it). I didn’t hate it too much when I bought it and I was planning on using the bottoms I wore in Hawaii (I didn’t need the matching bottoms).
I spent my weekend preparing for my audition and didn’t really think too much about having to wear the bikini. It was only going to be a minute of my time wearing it so I was trying not to worry about it. I focused on learning my lines and being as ready as possible for the audition.
The day of the audition, I worked my usual work shift (my audition was after work so I didn’t need to ask for time off). But since I didn’t feel like getting dressed for work and then dressed for the audition, I worked in the bikini with some yoga pants. I passed myself in a mirror a couple of times while I was walking between my desk and kitchen, and I have to say that I didn’t feel like I looked that bad. In fact, I was pretty happy with how the bikini looked on me!
I liked how I looked so much that I ended up taking the tag out of the top because I knew I had to keep it!
All of the sudden, I was no longer nervous about the bikini part of the audition. My only nerves were the normal audition nerves and I tried to get those out of my system when I was driving to the valley to the studio where the audition was held.
I personally think the audition went great! The casting directors and I made jokes about me stripping down when I was taking off the yoga pants and tank that I wore on top of the bikini. And they loved the bikini so much that they had me turn around so they could check it out (and they commented that they would totally buy that for themselves too). They laughed at the scene I read and I had no confidence issues at all. Who would have thought that being half-naked in front of a camera was the best way to get my nerves to go away?
In the lobby of the casting office, they had a selfie station. I didn’t have time to take a photo before the audition (and we all were focusing on our lines), but a friend who was there auditioning too took a picture with me after we were both done auditioning.
On the drive home, I just felt so great. I had a weight lifted from my shoulders that I never knew was there. I know that I’ve heard that every body is a bikini body so many times. But I honestly never believed it until this audition. But now I’m excited to figure out when I can wear the bikini this summer. I’ll be going back east for a family reunion and I think there is either a pool or hot tub where we are staying, so I’ll bring it then. And I want to figure out some fun beach adventures to go on in LA too.
All my confidence issues aren’t gone now. I’m sure I’ll still feel a bit insecure when I wear the bikini in public where I’m the only heavy person (it helped that all the ladies at my audition who were auditioning were heavy too). There may be people who make fun or me or laugh and point at me in public. And if that happens that it going to suck and I’m sure I’ll feel down about it.
But for now, I’m just so excited that I’ve found even the smallest amount of confidence and that I’m ready to rock a bikini for the first time as an adult (and possibly the first time ever in my life)!