Category Archives: Tough Stuff

A Goodbye For Now (or I Think It’s Time For A Break)

For about 11 1/2 years, I’ve been writing this blog. I’ve done over 2900 posts in that time, and most of the time, I’ve been writing 5 posts weekly. About a year ago, I decided to go down to 2 posts weekly because I felt like I was starting to struggle with what to write. It was hard to let myself be ok with not writing every day, but I’m glad I made that change a year ago. I felt like I had to find things to write about instead of just writing about what I wanted to write about. I also made changes to how I wrote about my workouts and made them more like a general post instead of going into details about my workouts. Even with the changes I made, I still had this blog as a big part of my life for over a decade.

But I’ve decided that it’s time for me to step away from this blog, at least for a little bit. I haven’t been feeling that inspired to write here. My life hasn’t been that crazy, and I’m starting to appreciate the boringness of my life at times. Yes, I still want to have excitement and I’m trying to not just live the same life every single week. But I also know that if I need a weekend at home doing a lot of nothing, there is value in that. And even with only writing one non-workout post a week, sometimes I still feel a bit of pressure to have something happening in my life so I can write about it. Or if I have a lot of things happening within a week or two, I feel the pressure to decide what thing I should write about and what thing I should skip since I don’t want to write about an event weeks after it happened.

It’s crazy to think about how I started the blog in my 20s and now I’m in my 40s. My entire 30s were documented on here and that’s something I’m so grateful for. There have been countless times when I was trying to remember something and I searched my blog for the post about it. It’s been an incredible scrapbook for a big chunk of my life. I have changed my life in so many ways since I started writing. And even with the struggles I’ve had, things have improved so much for me. I don’t think my life is perfect, but the things I have now are things that I wished for years ago. I have a much more stable living situation, which is something that I will always appreciate. I have made a lot of changes in my health but more importantly, in my fitness.

It’s because of this blog that I discovered Orangetheory. I was invited to a blogger preview and I know I wouldn’t have found it as soon as I did without that preview workout. I rarely was in the neighborhood of that first studio before working out there, so I might not have found the perfect workout for me until they opened the studio in my neighborhood. I can’t imagine what my life would be like now if I wasn’t invited to that workout. I’ve had a lot of great things come my way because of this blog, but I think that finding my workout home is easily the best thing that happened because I started this blog.

I found new communities because of my posts. I met new friends that I still keep in touch with, even though almost all of them have stopped blogging by now. I think the blogging world isn’t what it used to be and that’s ok. Things like blogs are trends that come and go and it seems like people have been using other ways to be creative and have a voice. I think I’m starting to feel that way as well. When I started writing, it was a creative outlet that I knew was missing in my life. I don’t necessarily have a new outlet that I have started to use, but I’m more active on social media and that’s a bit of creativity for me. Again, the things I needed and felt were missing in my life in my late 20s are different from what I feel like I need now.

I also find it a little poetic that the day this post will come out will be the 4th anniversary of the last normal day we had before the pandemic. I think most people think of that Friday the 13th as the last normal day even if things weren’t totally shut down right after that. And the pandemic caused such a huge shift in my life, just like it did for almost everyone. I wish that not everything had to change the way it did, but I was forced to adapt to what came my way and I’ve been trying to make the best of it. But I also know that being forced to change is sometimes the only way that change will happen, so I am grateful that I have been able to make positive changes and create a pretty awesome situation for myself.

I don’t know if this will be the last post I write on here or not. I might take a few months off and miss writing so I start things up again. I might realize that I want to write randomly when something big happens so I write a few posts a year. I’m not setting any rules or ideas for this break for now because I don’t know how I will feel during my time away. I thought going down to 2 posts a week would stress me out and I’d miss writing, but it ended up being the best choice for me. I don’t know how much longer I could have kept up 5 posts weekly. I think this last year was much less stressful because I didn’t have that pressure on myself to keep going. And I’m hoping I’ll have another positive reaction to this new break.

So I guess this is it for now. It’s not necessarily a goodbye, but I’m not sure when I’ll be back on here again. But if I come back to start writing again, it will be from a fresh perspective after having some time away. And if I decide to not write here again in the future, thank you to all of you who have been following my journey. Whether you’ve been reading since I started in July 2012 or this is somehow the first post you’ve read. I have been so grateful that people have been interested in what I have to say and what I think. This blog has given me a voice when I really needed one and I have been so lucky to have an audience for this long.

Finding New Ways To Accomplish Old Goals (or Feeling Good About Some Challenges)

To kick off 2024, I wanted to work on budgeting again. I’ve done this so many times in the past, but it’s still something I struggle with. I’ve heard a lot of people say they are making the most money they’ve ever made right now but also feel the poorest they’ve ever been. I totally related to that feeling. So working on budgeting for my January challenge seemed like the right thing to do.

Things didn’t go the way I expected them to go last month, but I still feel like I accomplished my goal. I still don’t necessarily have a budget created for myself to track my money, but I’m a lot better about how I’ve been spending money. And a big part of that is working on using coupons and deals a lot more. I have been pretty good about using coupons at places like CVS that make them really easy to use, but I haven’t been as good about doing that at the grocery store. And honestly, it’s silly that I haven’t been doing that. But I’m now working on being a lot more mindful about what I buy each week at the store and trying to make sure I look up any coupons ahead of time so I can make the best choices.

I also signed up for a rebate app that does money back on top of coupons I might find online. I know there are a bunch of rebate apps out there, but I went with iBotta. That one seemed to be mentioned a lot and was pretty user-friendly. I know that I can do a lot more with that app than I’m doing now, but I’m starting off doing what I can and I’ve already gotten just over $20 back from the past month. I know that’s not a huge amount, but it’s still $20 I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t do it.

Once I’m better with doing these things, I do want to figure out about how much I spend in a month for groceries so I can use that to help me work on making a budget. I don’t think a super strict budget will ever end up being the right thing for me, but saving money where I can and being aware of how I’m spending it is something I know I need to continue to be better about.

And being mindful of things connects a bit to my challenge for February. This challenge will be a little harder to see if I’m successful or not, but I want to work on listening to my body more this month. I’ve had a lot of things that affect my body in crazy ways and I’ve just been working on going with the flow. But that’s not working for me anymore. Especially with side effects from medication, I’m tired of letting those things control my life as much as it has. I know I can’t be fully in control, but I can be a lot more aware of how things will affect me based on different factors. Maybe if I eat differently at different times of the day, things will be better. I’m sure I need to continue to get more sleep, but finding the right amount of sleep would be good too. I know that when I can sleep in, if I sleep too much I feel tired just like I do with a little too little sleep. I also want to focus on the hip pains I’ve been having lately so I can see what I can do to make that a little easier to deal with. So much is out of my control with pain and side effects, but there are still things I can do to try to make things better for me. I’m not willing to just give up and accept how often I have bad days anymore. I need to work on making things work for me again.

Just like so many other challenges I’ve done, this one will likely last more than just a month. But I’ve already been noting things about how different medications are affecting me and finding small changes I can try to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m hopeful that I’ll have at least a few new routines that work for me by the end of February!

A Hurriquake (or Checking Some Of My Emergency Prep)

This past Sunday and Monday, LA was told to prepare for a tropical storm to hit the area. Most of us called it a hurricane since it was a hurricane that would be getting downgraded as it made it to land, and I think calling it a hurricane was more memorable. In my area, we were told to prepare for heavy rain, strong winds, and possible power outages. I’m not used to being warned about a natural disaster like this since earthquakes are surprises, so getting ready for it was weird.

I do have an emergency kit because I know that earthquakes and fires are possibilities. I bought a pre-made kit because it had so many things that I knew I would need, but I have added to it too because there are specifics that wouldn’t be included. I bought the kit a while ago, and I hadn’t gone through things recently, so I took this time to double-check things. And I noticed that my emergency water supply wasn’t in the best condition (I have a case of water, and the bottles were getting crunched and don’t look as full as they did before), so I will be getting new water to store soon. But I noticed this issue after I had gone out to the store to get food for the weekend, so I wasn’t going to have it available if I needed it Sunday and Monday.

So I probably over-prepared for things. I filled all my reusable water bottles with drinking water since my fridge water wouldn’t work if the power went out. I know I could always drink sink water, but I might as well have filtered water ready for me. And even though I didn’t think we would lose water, it was recommended to fill your bathtub with water so you could use it if needed. I did that just in case but I figured that was more than I needed to do. And of course, I made sure all my devices were fully charged so I would have my phone and Kindle available to use.

On Sunday, I was very lucky to not have any power outages the entire day. I kept my phone charged just in case there was one, but my power stayed on. I know some of my friends didn’t have power all day, so I was grateful to have power and stay comfortable. I spent the day just being lazy and reading since I wasn’t going to go outside. The rain was really coming down at times, so I knew it wouldn’t be smart to go out and drive anywhere. And I was prepared to be home and stay home.

Even though we’ve had quite a bit of rain so far this year, this was more rain in a short period of time than any time I could remember. On Sunday evening, I looked into my backyard and noticed a lot of puddles that were getting big enough that it was coming up on my patio. It wasn’t close to my door, but it was more than I thought I’d see. Fortunately, the next morning, the puddles had all been absorbed into the ground and there was no flooding at my place.

And on Sunday, while I was just sitting around and reading, I got an alert on my phone about an earthquake. I signed up for alerts through USGS that is supposed to alert you a few seconds before an earthquake so you could get somewhere safe. It’s never alerted me before an earthquake before, so I wondered if maybe this was another alert after it happened and I just didn’t feel it. But about 10 seconds after the alert on my phone, the shaking started. It wasn’t that strong of an earthquake, but that was because the epicenter wasn’t that close to me. And I think everyone in LA had the same reaction of thinking how crazy it was that we had an earthquake in the middle of a tropical storm.

I’m very glad that things weren’t worse with both natural disasters. And it was a good reminder for me to make a schedule to check my emergency supplies on a regular basis. I probably will start tracking when I buy things that need to be replaced or noting expiration dates (like on the spare contact lenses I have in my emergency bag). I also think I want to store things better so they are easier to get to and I won’t accidentally crush things like I did with the case of water. I know it shouldn’t take a natural disaster to make sure I have everything in order and ready in case I need it, but if that’s what it took for me to be better about staying on top of things, that works for me.

A Very Rough Workout Week (or Taking Things Easy And Slow)

I knew this past week of workouts might be a tough one for me with pain and nausea, and I was just grateful that it didn’t happen during Mayhem. But even with how prepared I normally am for my bad weeks, I really wasn’t ready for this one. I rarely think about skipping my workouts unless I’m really sick, but there were several times this past week I debated if it was even worth it to try to work out. I know that doing something is better than doing nothing, but I felt like I was close to doing nothing in several of my workouts.

Monday was the best workout for me this past week. I still struggled with pain and nausea, but it wasn’t as bad as it would get later in the week. I also got to sleep in a bit and do a later morning workout since I had the day off work. I think that helped make things a bit better for me. Because I did a different workout time, I was in a 2 group class instead of my usual 3 group class. And I got to have a run/row workout that was themed around choosing your own adventure.

For the first half of class, we had 4 distances for cardio and 4 distances for the rower. We got to pick which distance we wanted to do, but we couldn’t repeat a distance after completing it. I decided to start with the shortest distance for both and work my way up. That seemed to be the best way for me to do it, plus, the longest rowing distance was 1000 meters, and I didn’t want to do that one. I made it through 3 of the 4 cardio distances and was working on my 3rd rowing distance when it was time to switch to the floor.

On the floor, we had 6 blocks. The odd blocks were all the same and the even blocks were all timed blocks with each exercise being 1-minute long. In the odd blocks, we started with 1 rep of a plank jack, a plank pop, and a squat jump. Then we did 2 reps of each exercise and continued working with 1 additional rep each time. I usually got to the 3rd or 4th rep before the block was done. And I did use the bench for my hands which allowed me to do the exercises without getting too nauseous. For the other 3 blocks, they were 4 minutes long and we had 1 minute to do a specific number of reps for each exercise. And there were 2 exercises in each block so we did each one twice. In the 2nd block, we had bridge rows on the straps and side planks. In the 4th block, we had push-ups and lunges and I did chest presses on the straps instead of push-ups which helped me not feel as bad. And in the 6th block, we got to pick which of the previous blocks we wanted to do again and I the chest presses and lunges. It was a lot of work with very little rest, but I was glad I had the day off to rest and recover.

Tuesday’s workout was another signature workout: Everest. The last time I had done Everest was on my birthday and I had gotten a new PR for that workout! But this time, I was feeling really horrible. I almost skipped class that morning because my cramps were so bad I was struggling to sit upright at times. But I wanted to work out with the hopes that it would maybe help me feel a bit better since I know that can sometimes work. But I knew going into the class that I wasn’t going to PR and I wasn’t planning on tracking my distance either.

With Everest, when you have a 3 group class, you increase or decrease the incline on the treadmill by 2% each time. I usually don’t do that on the bike, because the resistance level gets really high even just increasing it by 1 each time. But I normally start the resistance close to my base level to make sure I get it really high for the peak. This time, I started it much lower than my base and the highest the resistance level got was only 2 higher than my normal all-out. Even though the resistance level on the bike was always pretty low compared to what I normally do for Everet, I didn’t get close to even my worst distance in the past. I was pedaling very slowly the entire time and wasn’t trying to do anything too crazy. I knew I wouldn’t have a good attempt, but I was ok with that.

On the rower, we had 2 blocks. In the first block, we started with a 500-meter row and then did lunges before sitting back on the rower and doing a 400-meter row. We continued that pattern by decreasing the rows by 100 meters each time. The second block was similar but we started with a 100-meter row and increased it by 100 meters each time. I did the lunges for the first few times in the first block, but getting on and off the rower was getting painful with my cramps so I spent the rest of the time just rowing and taking breaks when I needed to. It wasn’t exactly what we were supposed to do, but it was something.

And on the floor, we had 1 long block with 2 mini-blocks in it. And as we usually do, we did each mini-block twice before moving on. The first mini-block had plank low rows with weights, tricep extensions, and side plank dips. And the second mini-block had plank single-arm reverse fly, hammer curls, and bicycle crunches. For both of the weighted plank exercises, I did them bent over instead since that wouldn’t make me as nauseous. I was going slowly through the exercises so I didn’t get to the point where you do all the exercises as a single block.

Wednesday was another really horrible day for me with cramps and I debated again about canceling my workout. I spent all day on Tuesday in a lot of pain and it was so much worse than I can remember having in the past. I was staying on top of taking painkillers on a schedule, but that was barely taking the edge off. But I did make it to my workout and just decided that I would do what I could and I told myself I could leave in the middle if things got really horrible. But I know myself and I’m stubborn enough that if I go to class, it’s really unlikely that I will leave.

For cardio, I really tried to do what the workout was supposed to be but I was in a lot of pain when I sat up on the bike. I rarely use the handlebars on the bike and lean over because that makes pedaling much more awkward for me. I like to sit up and bike without holding on. But I couldn’t do that this time and had to lean over and hold on the entire time. The focus of the workout was doing all-outs with recovery after, and I just tried to pedal when I could and took a break when I needed to. I wasn’t exactly following the workout template, but I was trying.

The rowing was timed along with cardio and I did the same thing with just trying to row when I could and resting when I needed to. And on the floor, each block was focused on supersets and doing similar exercises with variations back to back. We had lunges (which I did as the same type of lunges since I couldn’t do the variations), hip bridges, chest presses, and plank taps. I did my best with each exercise and just didn’t go too heavy with my weights which helped me not need as many breaks as I was worried I would need. But for the entire workout, I knew I didn’t do as much as I normally could, even on my bad weeks. I tried to not focus on the negative and just remember that I showed up.

Thursday was still a rough day for me, but it was slightly better than Wednesday so I was happy about that. At least that morning I didn’t debate about canceling my workout so that was nice.

For cardio, we had the same block repeated 3 times. We had a surge cardio challenge, so we were in our push pace for most of the time with a 15-second surge when you were supposed to go just a bit faster twice in each block. I was able to use my normal push pace and was able to pedal a bit faster for those surges. Each block ended with an all-out, and while I didn’t use my normal all-out resistance level, I did use the level between my normal push and all-out.

For rowing and the floor, we had a switch template. When we started the block on the rower, we did rower, floor, rower. And when we started the block on the floor, we did floor, rower, floor. In total, we had 3 segments for each but they were broken up. The rower was the same as cardio with a push row with surges. I tried to make sure my wattage got a bit higher in the surges, but it wasn’t easy with how I was feeling. I did manage to only need very limited breaks in my rowing, so that was something better than earlier in the week. And on the floor, each time we were there we had 2 exercises. We had neutral thrusters and high rows on the straps, single-arm snatches and squats, and hammer curls and skater lunges. The floor went a lot better than expected even though I had to modify a lot of the exercises to make sure I could get them done.

Considering how bad I felt this entire week, I’m honestly just glad I made it to all my workouts and didn’t have to cancel the morning of. It wasn’t an easy week and I know my workouts weren’t that intense or always what we were supposed to do. But showing up is better than nothing and I’m glad that I’m finally starting to feel better. I know this week might still be a bit rough, at least at the beginning of the week. But hopefully, I will be able to challenge myself a bit more and feel like I really am getting in a good workout instead of just showing up and doing something.

I’m Picking Some Good Challenges For Myself (or Being Ok Not Being Perfect)

I’ve been doing monthly challenges for several years now, and sometimes I pick really good challenges and sometimes I struggle to figure out what I want to do. It’s ok that it’s a mix, I know they can’t all be exactly perfect with the challenge I pick. But I’m always so happy when I pick a challenge and something just clicks with me and I feel like I’ve started a new habit that will continue for a while.

For April, I set the challenge to have less food waste. I knew I needed to do this challenge because I was getting lazy and wasteful with the food I bought. I might have all the best intentions when I go grocery shopping, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I feel the same way when it’s time to cook things. And while I have no issues eating leftovers, I also don’t want to eat leftovers several days in a row of the same thing so sometimes portions go back. Whenever I throw out food, that’s wasting money and I’ve been trying really hard to improve my spending. So I wanted to see how much I could reduce food waste to save money and be better about planning meals and making sure I don’t just order in if I get lazy.

I was surprised at how well I did with this challenge. I did still have things I had to throw out if they expired, but it was significantly less than what I normally would do. I was very careful about what I was buying from stores and opted to buy more frozen things like vegetables so I didn’t have to worry about things going bad quickly. I also started to make easier meals so they were only one or two servings. So I might make something like meatballs and some vegetables, but only make enough to have something for the next day instead of having it for 3 more days. I did still occasionally order in or go out to dinner, but with what I bought and made at home, I really reduced how much I wasted. And after last month, I feel like this is something I can continue to do and improve upon.

And for May, this challenge I feel has already started for me. This month, I want to work on being ok with not having perfection with things in my life. There are some parts of my life where I’m ok not always being perfect, but there are others where I really stress and get anxious if things aren’t exactly how I feel like they should be. One example of this is the frequency of my blog posts. I know I wrote last week that I was reducing how often I post on here, but I also really debated about doing a post yesterday because it felt so odd not to have something up when I’ve written every weekday for years. But I knew that I wanted to try to post less and had to be ok with the anxiety that brought me. I’m not being perfect with my writing the way I’m used to. I know it’s for the best, but that doesn’t always make it easier.

And there are other things that I know I only want to do if I can do them right. Sometimes the fear of not being perfect stops me from trying and I want to work on that feeling. I know that I won’t fail with everything I try, but I need to remember that it’s ok. I have failed at monthly challenges before and that has been ok. I have had bad workout days and that’s ok. I don’t know why I’m ok not being perfect in those ways but then with other things I just can’t get over it. And it’s not just being perfect, it’s also the fear of starting a task that I might have to split over a few days instead of getting it done in one. If something isn’t accomplished in the way I feel is right or perfect, sometimes I just can’t get started with it. And that’s not a good way to be.

I’m not going to try to deliberately fail at things, but I’m going to try to be more flexible with how I can do things and what accomplishing a task or idea means to me. If I want to get my whole house cleaned in one day but have to split it up in 2 because of time constraints, that’s ok and I need to remember that. I can’t necessarily predict what I will need to let go of the idea of perfection with, but I know that I will encounter that feeling several times over the month.

This is a challenge that I also have to accept will not necessarily be perfect since there will be times I let this feeling stop me. But all I can do is hope that I can overcome it more often than not and see some positive results by the end of the month.

Next Month Will Be A Bit Of A Fresh Start (or What Is Coming For This Blog)

Last week, I wrote about how I was debating again about reducing how frequently I write blog posts. It wasn’t the first time I was thinking about doing that, but for some reason, it felt different to me. I’m not sure what is making this time different, but I’ve just had a lot of thoughts and reflections on how I’m spending my day each day and what I’m sharing with the world.

I’m so glad that I have shared a lot of things here and I know that it has helped other people, but I also feel weird sometimes knowing that I’m out doing something and I will be writing about it later. I do try to keep things private as far as other people go, so I don’t usually say names unless that person has given me the ok to do so. And I don’t share a lot of details that others tell me because those aren’t my stories to tell. But it’s still a weird feeling being on a date or something and knowing that will make a good blog post and not feeling like I can tell my date about it. And then there is always the fear that they will find my blog and see the posts I’ve written about them. It’s not just with dates, doing things with my friends usually have become blog posts and I don’t like that I always have that mindset. It takes me out of experiencing things as they are happening and makes me think about how I can craft the story I want to tell. Even with some things about my health, I don’t necessarily want to share everything. It’s not because I’m ashamed or gatekeeping anything, but health issues really can vary from person to person so I don’t want to say something that happened to me and have others feel like that’s how it is for everyone.

And when I’m struggling with what I want to write, I feel like I have to take more and more from my life and turn them into posts. Even if I wasn’t planning on writing about something, if I’m really stuck for what I want to write I feel like that’s the only option I have. That pressure hasn’t been horrible, but it does happen from time to time, and I have to decide if that idea is worth writing about, if it’s interesting, or if I’m sharing something that I really want to keep private for now. I don’t necessarily regret any of the posts I’ve written, but I do feel like there are some that I don’t really love. Writing 5 days a week for over 10 years is a lot and my life really isn’t that interesting. I do have some interesting days, but to come up with that many posts means that there are a lot of boring or repetitive posts.

And after I wrote that post last week, the idea of changing my post frequency really just stuck with me. I normally write a post about thinking of doing that and then it leaves my brain. Almost like I just needed to put it out there and then I’m fine. But this time, I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind. And it doesn’t help that I really don’t have anything planned for a while for posts outside of my Monday workout recaps.

So I’ve decided that for May, I want to see if I feel comfortable writing less frequently. I’m torn between wanting to have 2 or 3 posts a week, but it will likely be one of those. And my plan is to still do a workout recap on Mondays and then I’ll do either 1 or 2 other posts during the week. I’m not sure which day or days I’ll post the other ones. It may depend on what I have to write about.

As much as I feel like this is the right move, it’s hard not to think that somehow I’m failing because I take a lot of pride in the fact that I’ve written 5 days a week for over 10 years. But at the same time, the person I was 10 years ago or even 3 years ago is different from who I am today. When I started this blog, I couldn’t have even imagined that I’d still be writing over a decade later. So the ideas I had for myself back then don’t have to be what I hold myself to now.

I also know this might not be the right move for me and I might change my mind. But I want to give it a try and see if maybe I will have a bit less stress since I won’t be spending as much time thinking of ideas and writing. If it works, then I’ll continue with the new plan until I think I need another change. If I hate writing less often, then I can go back to my old ways. This change doesn’t have to be permanent, but I do think it’s a good move going forward.

And no matter what ends up happening with this blog and the frequency of posts, I am so proud that I was able to maintain this schedule for as long as I did. It was a real challenge for me at first since being so public was foreign to me. But for a lot of the struggles I went through over the last decade, having this outlet to write out my feelings has really benefitted me. And I think even with less frequent posts, I’ll still be able to have that same benefit for myself.

Doing My Best To Stay Calm (or At Least I’ll Have A Longer Break Between Appointments This Time)

I honestly can’t remember a time when I wasn’t dealing with a lot of anxiety around going to the dentist. I’m sure as a kid I wasn’t as bad as I am now, but I don’t think I’ve ever really been ok going in. I know I do what I should do for my teeth, but genetics really haven’t been on my side and I’ve had so many issues with my teeth. And combining that with a few really bad dentist appointments that really went wrong, I think my anxiety is never going to fully go away. I’ll admit that it has gotten better over time, but I’m always so stressed as I’m going into an appointment.

My last appointment didn’t go as well as they normally do. It wasn’t horrible, but things just took longer and things weren’t as easy as I’ve gotten used to. There are a couple of reasons why this might have happened, but after that appointment, I really told myself I needed to be better about making sure I do everything I could for my teeth. I mainly use a water flosser because I do better with that than normal floss, but I knew I needed to try to use regular floss more often. And I’m not always good about brushing my teeth after eating lunch, but I made an effort to try to do that when I could. Sometimes when I don’t really eat lunch, but instead I eat a snack over a long period of time, that’s not as simple to do. But even a little extra effort can always make a difference.

I felt somewhat hopeful when going into my appointment earlier this week, but I was still shaking as I was walking into the building and waiting in the waiting room. And I wasn’t calming down when I got brought back for my appointment. I feel bad because I know I look mean and a bit rude at the beginning of my appointments, but it’s just me trying to stay calm. I know if I talk too much or think too much about it, my panic attacks will hit me. So I just try to stay quiet and get things started so I can get them over with.

Fortunately, I was right and this appointment went a lot better than the last one. It was easy for me to get through and I had to really focus on trying to not shake too much, but at least I didn’t get any bad news and things went quickly because there wasn’t a lot that had to be done. And because of the timing of when my appointments have been, I was almost due to get new x-rays. But I asked if that could wait until my next appointment because I knew I wanted to be a bit more mentally prepared for that since that can also bring up bad news like fillings that need to be done. Since I’m not experiencing any pain or weird symptoms, my dentist allowed me to wait until just after I’m due for x-rays to get the next set. I know that my next appointment will be a bit more panic-inducing because I know those will be coming up, but I’ll just have to deal with that when it happens.

And I’m a little extra nervous on top of that for my next appointment because I’m actually not going back for 6 months. For a long time, I went to the dentist every 3 or 4 months because of the issues I had. But things have been a lot better over the last few appointments, even with the worse appointment last time, and my dentist said we can switch to me coming in every 6 months. I’m a little hesitant about that since I know that waiting longer could mean that things won’t be as good, but hopefully all the effort I put in at home will continue to pay off and it won’t be as bad as I fear. And if that appointment doesn’t go that well, I can always go back to every 4 months to keep things easier on me.

So I’m excited that I don’t have to deal with being this scared again for 6 months, but I know it won’t be the easiest appointment since there will be x-rays and it’s going to be a bit of an unknown. But hopefully, this last appointment going well is a good omen and things won’t be as bad as I think they might be.

Always Wondering About The Future Of This Blog (or Not Sure If It’s Time For A Change)

Every so often, I wonder if I should continue writing here or write as frequently as I have been. Sometimes I question it because my life just doesn’t seem that interesting anymore. Sometimes it’s because I know I’m not writing here for the same reasons I did before. And when it was the start of the pandemic, I wondered what I could write about when I was going to be isolated at home. Every time I’ve wondered if I should change things, I usually just decide that I will see how things go and allow myself to change them up if I feel like it’s necessary. But in the end, I never change anything and have continued to write every weekday for almost 11 years now.

I know that these feelings will recur since I will always run into issues like writer’s block or wondering if there is a point to doing what I’m doing. And I’m experiencing those feelings again now. But this time, I can’t exactly pinpoint what’s causing them.

Some of the feelings are probably due to writer’s block since there are so many times that I honestly have to think for a while about what I could possibly write about. I don’t necessarily want to write something just to make sure I don’t miss a day here, but there are plenty of posts that have been written exactly for that reason. I also think I’m feeling very removed from the blogging world compared to how I used to be. I never was super involved, but I used to get invitations to random events or have things that I could potentially go to because I write. I don’t know if all that ended because of the pandemic or if I’m just not famous or popular enough to be included anymore. And I used to love reading other blogs, and I just haven’t been interested in reading them as much anymore. I still read blogs that are written by friends, but I’m rarely reading blogs that are written by people I don’t know personally.

Of the blogs that I still read, I’ve noticed that a lot of people have reduced the frequency of their posts. So many of them used to post every weekday like I do and now post maybe twice a week. But they aren’t on a regular schedule. They just post when they have something to say, which is something that I’ve really considered. I think most of them like not having the pressure on themselves to get something posted 5 days a week and struggling to find content. And while I don’t struggle every week, it’s often enough that I’m thinking if I should make a change as I have considered multiple times.

I also wonder how interesting my life really is. I have a pretty routine and boring life with some random fun things happening from time to time. I write about the same issues with my eating disorder, dating, being in a rut, and health issues all the time. I know these posts are getting repetitive to read because they also feel repetitive to write. But I struggle with the idea of not having a routine with writing since I don’t want to be out of the habit and never write here again.

So I’m back to the same questions I’ve had multiple times over the years. Should I just try to write twice a week and have that as my new schedule? Maybe one post about fitness and one post about something else that happened in my life. And if I have a lot of things happening in my life, it’s not a horrible thing to write about something a few weeks after it actually happened. When I started this blog, I never expected to be writing this long. I’ve written over 2800 posts, which seems crazy that I’ve had so much to say when it feels like so little has happened in my life in the last decade at times. I know I’ve had a few big changes, but overall it doesn’t seem like things are that different from when I wrote my first post.

I’m not going to make any rushed decisions. I have struggled with the idea of changing how often I write several times and I don’t want to make a decision that doesn’t necessarily feel right for me. But the more I have these thoughts, the more I think I need to get out of what is essentially a comfort zone and push myself to do something that scares me. Maybe a change would be good for me. And if I don’t like it, I can always change things back to how they are now. It’s just tough to consider making a change that has been a regular part of my life for over a decade now.

One Busy Week And One Unscheduled Week (or I Guess This Is Balance)

Last week for me was a bit of a busy week. I had some really fun things that I got to do and I was around a lot of people. It felt like a week I would have had before the pandemic. And I was surprised that I wasn’t feeling burnout after being so social since that’s something I’ve experienced before. I was just living my life and loving having things to do and being around others. But I guess my new way of balancing is having one week on and one week off because this week has been the exact opposite.

I knew this week might be a tough one for me because I was expecting to have my pain and nausea kick in. And it did do that right after I got home from Santa Barbara (I was so glad that I wasn’t feeling horrible while I was with my family). And this month, it has been extremely bad. I have been taking all the medications that I have available and it hasn’t been taking the edge off. I’ve been working a lot from my bed because it’s uncomfortable to sit up at my desk for too long. And I’ve been using my heat pad so much that I’ve been turning on my air conditioning even though it’s not hot out, I’m just getting overheated from having the heating pad on me for so many hours in the day.

I’m glad I didn’t have anything really scheduled for this week because I just wouldn’t have been up for doing it. And I’ve also been exhausted so I would probably be tired if I were doing something and not enjoying it the way I should. As much as I’ve been trying to get enough sleep each night, I’m not sleeping well and I can see that in the app I use to track my sleep. I’m tossing and turning all night and I feel like I’m dragging all day. It’s not that I’m going to bed too late, I’m just not sleeping when I should be.

I know that this week is not necessarily normal for me. I also know that every month I can have a week or two like this. It’s always just frustrating and annoying when they are as bad as this week has been so far. I don’t have a lot of motivation to do stuff, so I have to put my focus on doing things that I have to do like working. But anything outside of my required things each day seems like too much effort. I’m trying to not be upset with myself for acting like this because clearly, my body has needed this week to not be a social one. But when I was so happy last week with how being out in the world again made me feel, this can feel a bit depressing.

I don’t have any plans for this weekend yet, but I also don’t want to make any plans until I know how I feel. I might need this weekend to rest and relax or I might be craving being social again and will make plans at that point. It’s so hard to know what I’ll want to do when I don’t know how I’ll be feeling. And I also worry because I could be feeling ok one moment and then I start experiencing really bad nausea again. So it can be better to lay low instead of making plans and having to cancel them. And hopefully, it won’t be that much longer before I feel ok again and I can get back to trying to make some fun plans.

Enough Is Enough (or I Don’t Know What To Write)

I have written about school shootings and other mass shootings a few times here. I don’t like to write about it because I don’t know what to say that hasn’t been said. And I have been lucky because I haven’t been personally affected by a shooting or have had any friends or family in one. There have been close calls, such as a friend who was supposed to be at the Las Vegas music festival but had to stay home because they were sick. But at this point, being in my situation is a rarity.

And every time there is a shooting, we seem to repeat the same pattern. So many people say they want common sense gun reform such as making sure that people who buy guns are mentally stable and of age (similar to what is required to drive a car) or banning assault rifles. And banning assault rifles isn’t something new. This was the policy until it expired. And after it expired, the number of mass shootings increased so much. I will admit I didn’t quite understand why assault rifles were so much worse than regular guns as I’m not a gun owner. But this interactive article from the Washington Post details how injuries from these guns differ.

And then there are some people and politicians who feel like a mass shooting means we need more guns or believe that any policies on gun ownership are against the second amendment. The second amendment also says that it should be within a well-regulated militia. I think being well-regulated should mean that guns are not a free for all and are regulated. And we’ve seen shootings where there are others at that location with a gun and it’s been proven that a good guy with a gun does not mean they could stop a shooting. Some people who have guns are not trained and they could cause additional deaths or injuries. We’ve seen examples of school shootings where armed security on campus didn’t stop things or when dozens of police officers are just sitting and waiting while a gunman is inside causing damage. I don’t know if they were waiting because they were scared or if they felt there was another reason why they shouldn’t help, but if having dozens of trained professionals with guns doesn’t stop the deaths, I don’t know how even more guns would help. I’ve heard people say we need 4-5 armed security officers at every school to keep kids safe, but who is going to pay for that? Schools don’t have money to buy supplies or have a full staff, so where will these millions or billions come from? The people who say that will say anything other than common sense gun control, even though it appears the majority of the country wants that.

And I understand that not everyone with a gun is a risky person. There are people who keep their guns locked up and not in the reach of anyone who shouldn’t have it. And those people tend to agree about putting in regulations to keep everyone safer. If someone has a mental illness where they seem to want to do harm to others or if they have a violent history such as domestic violence, I don’t feel like they should have free access to guns and most people I know agree with me. And if someone is a gun owner and they don’t properly store those guns and minors get access to them, I think those parents should have some sort of penalty for that. To me, these seem so basic.

I don’t know if I will ever understand the people who feel like gun deaths mean that we need more guns. Or those who say it’s a mental health issue and not a gun issue but they vote for politicians who want to restrict mental health access. I also don’t agree that it’s just a mental health issue. Mental health is not exclusive to this country, but no other country has shootings as frequently as we do. This is an issue with multiple reasons, and if we refuse to fix just one of them then the issue will continue. If we only help with mental health but still give free access to guns for all, shootings will still happen. And if the regulations are only limited to certain states, this will not help either. People use mass shootings in states with regulations as an example of why those regulations don’t work. But when you look into the weapons used in those incidents, often they were acquired legally in another state and they brought them in.

I feel like I am writing what everyone is saying and not adding anything new to the conversation. But I also don’t want to be a silent bystander when this has become so overwhelming. Sending kids to school shouldn’t be considered risky behavior. Kids shouldn’t have to do active shooter drills just like we do earthquake or fire drills. I’ve heard from friends about how things like light-up shoes are too risky for their kids to wear to school because if they are hiding from a shooter they might be discovered. I do have hope that maybe there will be a change in the future as the generations that grew up with these fears start to vote and run for political office. But it also shouldn’t be up to them to change things when we have the ability to change them now.