Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Feeling A Bit Unsettled (or I’ve Written About This A Lot)

Posted on February 4, 2022 | Comments Off on Feeling A Bit Unsettled (or I’ve Written About This A Lot)

For about 6 months now, my living situation has felt like it was in a bit of limbo. I found out my current place was being sold which put me into a bit of a tailspin. My parents and I decided that looking for a condo was the right next move, and then it was a few months of looking at places and open houses. And each time I looked at a new place, I tried to imagine living there. There was one condo on the first day of looking that we almost put an offer on, but something just didn’t feel right. And then when I found the right place, there was the escrow period and then preparing for the renovation. So since August when I learned my current place was being sold, I felt like I was getting ready to move but also unsure of when that would be happening.

Even now, I have a better idea of when I will be moving and I’m finally starting to make preparations but I still don’t have an exact move date. I can’t hire movers yet, but I also don’t want to keep putting things away in my current house because I know they need to go into boxes soon. I also have done very little packing, but I worry that if I don’t start doing it soon, I will be packing at the very last minute and that will be stressful. And at the same time, I don’t want to live somewhere that is just filled with boxes.

I also have been looking for some new furniture I want to have in my new place and have been making choices about what I don’t want to take from my current place. But I also can’t exactly sell things now that I don’t want because I still need them. I’m trying to sell the things I can sell now, but that’s not much compared to what I will need to sell.

This feeling of being unsettled has been a way of life for me for about 6 months, and I wish I was over it already. But every time I get past one thing that makes me feel this way, another thing comes up. But I know we are getting closer to the end of this. The renovation has started and a lot of progress has been made in just the first few days. And things are continuing along at a great pace. I have been joking that once the renovation finally starts I will probably be shocked at how fast that is compared to everything else, and I think I was right. Every day so far this week, major steps have been happening. And in the next week, I know a lot of the materials are going to be picked up so that will make there be even more dramatic changes.

I know this time is temporary and I am extremely lucky that this is how I am moving. Not everyone has this opportunity and I’m extremely grateful. But even with being this grateful, it can still be stressful and I’m trying to be ok with feeling like that and not being guilty that everything doesn’t seem happy and easy for me. And accepting those feelings is important for me to work through them so I can focus on the happier and more positive feelings and try to start being even more excited about everything that is coming up for me with this move and being in a new place that I helped to design!

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Default ThumbnailNow Things Are Feeling Real (or So Far, We Are Ahead Of Schedule) Default ThumbnailStill Preparing To Move (or Getting Rid Of Some Things And Buying Others) Default ThumbnailOne Step Closer To Moving (or My First HOA Meeting) Default ThumbnailCleaning And Socializing (or Making Getting Ready To Move A Double Win) Default ThumbnailStill Waiting To Get Things Started (or Continuing To Work On Patience) Default ThumbnailA New Reason To Do Big Cleaning Projects (or Putting Other Projects On Hold For Now)

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Not The Workout Week I Expected (or I’m Craving My Workouts)

Posted on January 31, 2022 | Comments Off on Not The Workout Week I Expected (or I’m Craving My Workouts)

From the time I started at Orangetheory, I was always doing at least 3 workouts a week. But more often than not, I have done 4 workouts a week. This has been my regular schedule and I rarely have things happen in my life that prevent me from achieving this. Even when I was working out at home, I was still getting in my workouts on my own. I have been sick in the past and needed a day off, but that’s pretty much the extent to my absences from my workouts.

Until this past week.

Because of the procedure done on my foot, the only workout I was able to make it to was on Monday. I was planning on going to all my workouts last week and I even asked the podiatrist how many days would I need to rest. I knew while he was cutting into my foot that I would have to take the next day off, but I really thought I’d be able to make it back at some point in the week. But when he told me it would be probably a week or two before I could fully put weight on my foot, I felt defeated.

I said when writing my goals for the year how my workout goal was going to be the easy one for me. But taking a week or two off would possibly prevent me from getting there. But I know if I don’t allow myself to heal, I could cause some issues that would last longer than taking the recovery time. So I had to accept that I would only make it to one workout last week and be ok with that.

But every morning I woke up last week and knew it was supposed to be a workout day, I was sad I was missing out. I wasn’t expecting to need this time off (like I was planning for my liver surgery that was canceled). I hadn’t mentally prepared for it. I wasn’t depressed, but I was in a funk when I was thinking about how I should be at my workouts at that time.

For this week, I’m honestly not sure what will be happening. I took today (Monday) off because I know I can’t really put my weight on my heel. But I have made progress. I am using the cane I got for my hip and not my crutches. And over the weekend, I slowly have been trying to put a little more weight on my heel instead of walking on my toes. And as I change the bandage, I can see that it’s starting to heal and close up. I wasn’t told an exact point where I could start putting weight on my heel or working out again. I was told I would know when my body is ready. And I know today I’m not ready yet. I’m still not in a normal shoe and I still am very hesitant to put my heel down. But I’m hoping that I will make it back at some point this week. I just don’t know if I’ll make it for 1 workout or maybe 2 workouts. I really doubt I will make it for 3 workouts.

I just have to wait and see what happens. I know I’m still upset about missing workouts and I feel like my body needs them. But I also know my foot isn’t ready to do what I need to do in a workout. So I’m going to keep working on recovering, testing how much I can do, and as soon as I can go back I will be back!

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Default ThumbnailTough Workout Week (or I Made It Through My 4 Workouts) Default ThumbnailA Planned 3 Workout Week (or Medication and Workouts) Default ThumbnailA Weird Workout Week (or Election Week Workouts) Default ThumbnailFirst Week of Workouts After The Challenge (or Weird Workout Times) Default ThumbnailNot What I Expected From This Appointment (or I Have Some New Accessories For Now) Default ThumbnailAnother Week Of Weekday Workouts (or A Week Of Painful Workouts)

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Posted in Fitness, Health, Tough Stuff

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Not Doing A Lot For Now (or Managing Without Preparation)

Posted on January 28, 2022 | Comments Off on Not Doing A Lot For Now (or Managing Without Preparation)

I haven’t had many surgical procedures in the past. But except for the one on my foot, they were things I planned for and had some preparation done. For my hip surgery, I prepared a lot with different things around my place to manage the day to day stuff after surgery. I had a chair in my shower since I couldn’t stand up unsupported. I had organized things in my room so I didn’t have to search for things I would need. I did similar things for when I had my tonsils out. When I had the surgery on my face, I was prepared with what I would need to take care of my skin and to keep the scar to a minimum. And for my liver surgery that didn’t happen, I was very prepared for recovering at home and the challenges that might bring.

But for my foot, I wasn’t expecting to have anything other than a normal doctor exam. And I know this was a minor procedure and I should recover soon, but I was still unprepared for it. I actually was planning on going grocery shopping after my appointment, which I clearly didn’t do. So when I got home after my appointment, I tried to get some things set up in my house so I could relax while I let my foot recover.

One of the good things about living in such a small space is that I don’t have to do a lot of walking around my house. As long as I’m only stepping down on my toes on my left side, I don’t have to use my crutches. So I haven’t been using them in my house. I’m glad I can do this because crutches are pretty uncomfortable and I wasn’t going to order things online to make them more comfortable.

But I have been figuring out things I haven’t been prepared for and have been finding ways around them. I had to order some medical supplies online to be delivered because I didn’t have what I would need when I changed the bandages. I am grateful for next day delivery because I got everything I needed and I’ve been able to change the bandages and make sure I’m healing well (so far, things look like they are the way they should be). Showering is a bit tough because I’m not supposed to get my foot wet. I wrapped my foot in plastic, put a hair tie around the top, and taped the top of the plastic to try to keep as much water out. And because I have to balance on my toes and my foot is in plastic, it’s a bit slippery. So I put a towel on the floor so there would be a bit more grip there. But it was tough and I know it will be tough for the next week or two.

There are a few things I have to do outside my house while I’m recovering, but I’m trying to limit them or combine what I can into one errand. But I will do what I have to and use my crutches. And I just have to remember that this is only for maybe two weeks.

This will be a blip in my life before I know it. And the most important thing for me to do right now is to take it easy, rest, and let my foot recover and heal so I can move past this.

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Default ThumbnailTrying To Be Patient (or Did I Re-Injury Myself?) Default ThumbnailNot What I Expected From This Appointment (or I Have Some New Accessories For Now) Default ThumbnailSurgery Shopping (or How To Prep For The Unexpected) Default ThumbnailFearing The Worst (or Trying To Hope For The Best) Default ThumbnailSetting Myself Up To Win (or More Preparation) Default ThumbnailMedical Miracle Anniversary (or A Year Of My Liver Being A Badass)

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Not Much To Write About This Week (or Busy But Not Doing Much)

Posted on January 21, 2022 | Comments Off on Not Much To Write About This Week (or Busy But Not Doing Much)

This past week has been a pretty busy one for me. I’ve been doing a lot of work stuff and I also have been busy trying to get my condo ready to hopefully start the renovation soon. Even though it was technically a shorter work week with having Monday off, I feel like I have been playing a lot of catch up with time. And because that’s how my week has been going, I hit a bit of writer’s block for this post.

My days this week have been filled most of the day. Either I’m working out early in the morning or I’m doing errands and tasks before I start work. For example, yesterday before work I had to be at the condo because I was selling the old appliances. And selling these appliances took up significantly more time than expected. I had buyers say they were coming and failed to show up. Or one person said they wanted them, showed up, but had no way to move them and seemed surprised that when I said they would have to move things themselves that I was telling the truth. I didn’t expect that it would take up this much time, but between posting ads online, messaging with potential buyers, and trying to meet those buyers; I used up a good chunk of my free time this week.

And this week at work has been exceptionally busy and crazy. This is when things tend to be crazy, so I was a bit prepared for that but it always takes a lot out of me. So if I had a bit of free time after work, I usually was decompressing a bit before moving on to the next thing I had to do that evening. And I felt like this week I had an endless list of things I had to get done but also wasn’t getting anything done. I stayed up later than I wanted to and didn’t get much sleep, but at the same time there was nothing happening. It was a weird week this past week to understand where the time went and what I actually did.

So I’m hoping this weekend I will be able to reset a bit and catch up on things. I know I won’t be fully caught up by Monday, but I need to get things checked off my to-do list and have less that I have to do during the week. And maybe if I can get things ready for the week over the weekend, I will have more interesting things to write about in my posts next week.

But for now, this is going to be a short post. I don’t have a lot other than busy work to write about this week, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say.

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Default ThumbnailBusy Work (or It’s All Coming Together) Default ThumbnailBusy Busy Busy (or Triple Job Day) Default ThumbnailJust Being Lazy In The Rain (or Not Much To Write About) Default ThumbnailJust A Normal Weekend For Me (or Lazy Days Are Surprisingly Busy) Default ThumbnailEnjoying A Bit Of A Half Week (or This Week Is Always Odd) Default ThumbnailMaking Busy Days Busier (or I Guess I Like To Maximize Only Certain Days)

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Taking Acceptable Risks (or Feeling Odd About This Stage Of The Pandemic)

Posted on January 11, 2022 | Comments Off on Taking Acceptable Risks (or Feeling Odd About This Stage Of The Pandemic)

Right now, things are so odd in the world. I have said that a lot over the past 2 years. I never thought everything would shut down the way they did at first. I never thought things could last as long as they have. Even though I know success isn’t a straight line, I didn’t think things would go back and forth as often as they have. And I never realized how much things would affect me as they change.

In some ways, we are better off than we were 2 years ago. We have vaccinations that seem to be keeping most people out of the hospital and alive. We have treatment options that look more and more promising. Most of us knew that vaccines weren’t a perfect fix, just like how any vaccines aren’t perfect, but I think many of us thought more people would be vaccinated so there wouldn’t be as many unvaccinated people getting severely sick.

And even with the advancements and advantages we have now, we are also doing worse than the rest of the time we’ve been in a pandemic. The number of people testing positive is higher than they ever have been. Right now, hospitalizations where I am aren’t as bad as they were at the peak, but we know that can be a bit delayed. I know that the number of people testing positive isn’t always the best thing to judge by, but it’s still not a good sign when we went from under 1,000 people a day to 30,000 people a day.

But with things seeming so bad right now, it’s weird because we aren’t shutting down the way we did before. I honestly don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I haven’t made a lot of changes in my life since the pandemic started. I haven’t been inside a restaurant to eat, I wear my mask everywhere, I rarely do any type of shopping in a store versus online, and I don’t go out and do much. I have done more since being vaccinated such as going to Orangetheory and eating at restaurants outdoors, but I’m still really limiting what I go and do.

And everything that I go out and do has to be an acceptable risk for me. Especially with the variant right now, you never know when you might be exposed to someone who will test positive. But whatever you choose to do, you have to be ok with that risk. And what you are ok with is such a personal choice. I have several friends who have gone to movies in the past few months. They are trying to take precautions like picking times that aren’t as crowded and they usually don’t get snacks so they are keeping their masks on the entire time. But one of my friends was alerted that they were in close contact with someone who tested positive and they know based on the timing that it was from when they went to a movie. Fortunately, they tested negative and are fine, but it’s still one of those personal risks that we have to be ok with.

I recently went to get my hair done. I’ve been pretty good about being able to keep a regular schedule with my hair, even if I haven’t been able to do the same with any other beauty routines. I do want to get back to the other things that make me feel more confident in how I look, but it seems like every time I’m ready to do it there is another reason why I shouldn’t. Maybe I’m about to go see someone who is at a higher risk and getting my eyebrows done isn’t as important as making sure I’m safe around them. More recently I put it off because of this new variant and how close someone would be to my face. Even with both of us wearing a mask, it seems a bit too risky right now for me. When I get my hair done, we are both masked and she doesn’t have to be too close to my face. So in my mind, that feels safer. I have no clue if it really is safer, but again, this is a personal choice with what risks I’m willing to take.

I really can’t wait until I don’t have to keep thinking like this and I can just go and do something because I want to. But that time isn’t here just yet. And until it is, I just have to keep considering each thing that I do and making sure that I’m comfortable with doing it and I accept the risks that may be involved. It’s not an easy or carefree way to live (and I miss how that was my life before), but it’s keeping me safe and healthy. And even though this is a longer time than I think anyone predicted, I have to remember that this is a temporary time and soon we will be past it.

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Default ThumbnailFeeling A Bit More Like Me (or A Little Bit Of Pampering) Default ThumbnailThoughts About The Reopening (or Feeling Safe And Scared At Once) Default ThumbnailBeing Organized and Stylish (or Working On Getting Into A Post-Pandemic Life) Default ThumbnailFinally Getting My Booster (or Feeling A Little Safer) Default ThumbnailBeing Social Feels A Bit Cold (or Another Realization About The Pandemic) Default ThumbnailFeeling Refreshed (or Looking Good While Babysitting)

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Enjoying A Bit Of A Half Week (or This Week Is Always Odd)

Posted on December 29, 2021 | Comments Off on Enjoying A Bit Of A Half Week (or This Week Is Always Odd)

I think most people agree that the week between Christmas and New Year’s is always weird. It’s almost like a week that doesn’t necessarily happen since many people have odd schedules and routines may not be what they normally are like. And I think this year it’s even more weird than normal. The week is actually a full week and not split up with a weekend in the middle. And we are dealing with all the weirdness with the pandemic and those fears around that. So this week seems far from normal.

Even I don’t have a fully normal schedule this week. I’m working my regular hours at my box office job for most of this week, but those are pretty limited hours so they rarely would be affected by holidays. And at my other customer service job, I’m working half days. And they are half days in the middle of the day (so I’m working 11-3 instead of 9-5). I did keep my workouts early so I have a bit of a time gap between my workouts and starting work, which is nice to have since I usually rush a bit in the mornings. And I have my afternoons free which is nice to get some errands done. Especially for some errands that have to be done during business hours and I struggle to find time to do them in a normal week.

I’m glad I have a bit of a schedule to go by this week so I don’t just waste my time each day. I know how easy it is for me to get into a very lazy routine. I noticed that this past weekend when I had 3 days off. I try to not sleep in too much because it can be tough to be back onto a sleep schedule. But getting up early when I don’t have anything I have to do for several hours does leave me a lot of time to do a lot of nothing. But I am trying to enjoy the freedom I have in my schedule this week since I know things will be crazy again before I know it and I’ll be missing having this extra free time.

And having this odd week is letting me reflect a bit on how this past year went. I’ll be doing recaps the next few days on how my 2021 went and then also posting my plans and goals for 2022. I know this past year wasn’t what anyone expected, but that is both a good and bad thing. And having time to think about what I was able to do even when it seemed impossible is a nice boost when I’ve been a bit low lately.

Hopefully having this weird week gives me the time to rest and recharge a bit before kicking off the new year and hopefully accomplishing some awesome things. And it lets me remember that I earned a bit of rest right now because I did get quite a bit done this past year even if it doesn’t feel like that at times.

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Default ThumbnailScheduling Life (or Trying To Remember What Day Of The Week It Is) Default ThumbnailA Very Low-Key Holiday Weekend (or Enjoying A Real 3 Day Weekend) Default ThumbnailThe Longest Week (or Having A Regular Work Week Again) Default ThumbnailJust A Bad Workout Week (or I Need To End The Year Better Than This) Default ThumbnailGetting Myself Back On Schedule (or At Least This Is A Slow Transition) Default ThumbnailAn Up and Down Workout Week (or a Weird Week and a Weird Milestone)

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Posted in Celebrations, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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Continuing To Try To Stay Safe (or Making Sure I Don’t Panic Too Much or Too Little)

Posted on December 22, 2021 | Comments Off on Continuing To Try To Stay Safe (or Making Sure I Don’t Panic Too Much or Too Little)

For so long, I think all of us were being hopeful that we were coming to the end of the pandemic. People were getting vaccinated. Some were getting boosters. Case numbers were going down and so were hospitalizations. I really was starting to feel a bit safer even though I was still taking a lot of precautions and didn’t go too many places. There were still people getting sick, but it seemed to mainly be those that were not vaccinated. And if someone who was vaccinated got sick, they were not having that many symptoms and rarely went to the hospital.

But we had been warned that things might be bad again this winter as more people are indoors and there is the chance of having a higher risk for both Covid and the flu. But what we didn’t expect was also having a new variant that seems to be the most contagious yet.

I’m trying to not overreact, but this is feeling very similar to what things were like in March 2020. I know it’s not the same because we have treatment options we didn’t have then and people are not being hospitalized or dying at the same rate they were before, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t making me feel a bit panicked. But I am trying to take what I have learned in the past year and a half to make sure I stay safe.

Most of the things I started to do in March 2020 haven’t changed since then. I still limit where I go and try to avoid crowded places. And I still wear a mask when I’m around others indoors. I don’t always wear a mask when I’m outdoors, but if there are a lot of people near me that I don’t know I do wear one. And since I always keep a mask in my purse and car, it’s easy to always have one with me.

But with this variant, I know that there is a chance that I could still catch it. I’ve had a few friends get sick in the past week, and all of them have been vaccinated and wear masks in public. Most of them have had very mild symptoms and have recovered quickly. One friend had more symptoms and I was worried about them for a bit, but they seem to be getting better now. But I know that even a mild case can have long-term side effects, so I know things might not be over for them yet. But I do hope that they all have easy recoveries and they don’t have issues later.

Seeing friends of mine get sick when they do similar precautions to what I do really worries me. I have been thinking about what other things I can do to keep myself safe or think about any things that I plan on doing to see if I need to do them or if I can wait. I am trying to order things online if I can, but some things are only in stores. Right now I have plans to get my hair done, but if things seem really bad when it’s closer to my appointment, I might see if I can reschedule. But I picked a time that shouldn’t be as crowded and it’s somewhere that everyone wears masks and there is no need to take them off, like at a restaurant.

I saw a joke online that said something like everyone more scared than me is crazy and everyone less scared than me has their head in the sand. And in a way, I do feel like this. I wonder if I’m panicking too much or not enough. I worry that I am not doing everything I should because I’m tired of living during a pandemic. I know everyone wants life to feel normal again, whatever that means. I just don’t want to have to think about the risks of getting sick every time I decide to do something outside my house. But at the same time, I know I’m taking more risks than I did over a year ago and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

I don’t know if anyone knows what is the right way to live now and what is being too risky. I know being vaccinated and wearing masks are key and I’m doing that. But beyond that, I just have to do what choices I can live with if I do end up getting sick in the future.

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Default ThumbnailThoughts About The Reopening (or Feeling Safe And Scared At Once) Default ThumbnailMaking And Cancelling Plans (or I Know We Are All Trying To Stay Safe) Default ThumbnailPlease Wear A Mask And Stay Home If You Can (or This Shouldn’t Be Political) Default ThumbnailRequiring Masks Again (or This Doesn’t Change Too Much For Me) Default ThumbnailFeeling A Bit Less Stressed At The Dentist (or Just Having Normal Panic) Default ThumbnailGetting Another COVID Test (or Making Sure I’m Safe To See My Family)

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Having More Virtual Movie Nights (or Still Trying To Be Social)

Posted on December 16, 2021 | Comments Off on Having More Virtual Movie Nights (or Still Trying To Be Social)

The movie club group I started has been going for almost 2 years. It’s crazy to think we’ve been doing this for that long. But then again it’s crazy to think we are almost at 2 years of this pandemic. And this movie club group has been something that kept me sane during this entire time. The group started as just movies one day a week. Then it became tv shows one day and movies another day. And over these 2 years, I feel like I’ve gotten to know the group that joins in each week.

We have a pretty small group with only about 20 people, but there’s also a smaller group of us who seem to have really clicked. Even though none of us have met each other in real life, I feel like I know them. And we are always randomly texting each other and filling the others in on our lives. Honestly, they have become really close friends and I think that this would have only happened during a pandemic. All of us lost bits of our lives over the past 2 years, and that’s how we found each other and clicked.

Most of the time, we text about positive or silly things. But we also share things we struggle with. And a lot of us have been struggling lately with feeling a bit down. I think a lot of this has to do with the weather and how short the days are. When I’m done with work, it’s dark. I’m out in the mornings to go to my workout, but I don’t really see much daylight each day since I work all day long. I’m not the only one feeling like this, and so my text group decided that we would add in another movie night for our group.

We already had a 3rd night of watching together with a few of us watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor In Paradise together each week (since it’s so much more fun when you are doing commentary with friends during the episodes). But for the past few weeks, we also have been having one random night with cheesy holiday movies. They typically are the type of movies that are so bad they are good and watching them together makes it more entertaining.

I know that I’m still home alone and looking at a screen, but it’s still time for me to be social each week. I don’t really go out too much. I try to go out when I can, but unless I have something already planned, I find it hard to feel motivated. Once I’m done with work, I don’t really feel like leaving my house. I know this is also a bit of burnout, but I think it’s more about not wanting to go out in the dark and still being hesitant with Covid. So if my social life has to be a screen for a bit longer, I don’t think that’s the worst thing. It’s better to do this than to watch things alone and feel like I’m on my own little planet again. At least this way, I feel like I’m spending time with others and not isolated.

I don’t think this extra movie night will be something we keep up for too long. When the days start to get longer again, hopefully things will be easier for us all to plan outside of our homes. But for now, I’m just grateful that I have a group I can rely on to be there for me virtually as I still try to figure out how to have a life while staying safe during a pandemic.

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Default ThumbnailSo Many Virtual Movie Nights (or Thank Goodness For Technology) Default ThumbnailEnjoying Movie Nights (or Watching My Screeners) Default ThumbnailFinding A Social Life Where I Can (or Virtual Parties and Distance Hangouts) Default ThumbnailGetting Ready For A Fun Rewatch (or More Netflix Parties) Default ThumbnailCraving Social Interaction (or Staying Away And Staying Online) Default ThumbnailWorking In A Social Media Outage (or There Were Some Good Things That Happened)

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Doubling Up With Panic Attacks (or I’m Really Getting Tired Of This)

Posted on December 3, 2021 | Comments Off on Doubling Up With Panic Attacks (or I’m Really Getting Tired Of This)

Having a panic attack at the dentist is pretty much a guarantee for me. This has happened for the majority of my life and I don’t see it ending any time soon. I can manage my panic attacks better now than I could before, but they still happen and still affect me. So when I was going in for a dentist appointment this week, I knew I was going to have an attack and just tried my best to stay calm when I could.

But going to the appointment caused me to have an unexpected panic attack. I’m typically a very prompt person. Often, I arrive at places too early and I just sit and wait in my car until the right time. I overestimate how long it will take to get somewhere, but I would rather be early than late. And for appointments, I know if you arrive late they can sometimes refuse to see you. So I really try to be on time. My dentist isn’t too far from where I live, but I also know the areas I have to drive through can have some weird traffic holdups. So I gave myself double the time it normally takes to get there, so I figured I would arrive early.

I don’t know what was going on with traffic, but it was just not moving while I was driving. I was terrified I would get to my appointment and they would turn me away, which would be awful because that would mean I would have the nerves leading up to another appointment date. I tried to call in to explain what was happening, but they must have been busy at the office because it went to voicemail. I was already struggling with panic feelings about an appointment, but now I was dealing with panic feelings about being late too.

I guess it was a good thing I gave myself double the time to get there because I only ended up being 1 minute late, so it worked out ok. But I was still so stressed and my heart was racing about getting there on time. And as soon as I arrived, my regular panic that I get at the dentist kicked into high gear.

I’m lucky that my dentists understand that I just don’t do well there, so they do try their best. But the hygienist they have was taking longer than I’m used to with her work. And she noticed my panic and kept stopping so I could have a break. I told her that taking a break doesn’t help me since I just need to get through the appointment, but she kept checking in with me. My dentist did check in too and let the hygienist know that I do best when we can get through it quickly (but also thoroughly so I don’t have issues later).

Fortunately, after that things picked up in my appointment and they moved quickly. I had one moment with a really bad panic attack when my dentist was inspecting a spot on one tooth. Even though she had already told me there were no cavities or issues, I was so worried that she discovered something after telling me that. I really tried to keep my breathing under control, but I was starting to really freak out. I’m glad it ended up being nothing (basically it was a weird shadow), but it was still a pretty bad moment for me.

I left the appointment with the usual good news that everything is good with my teeth and my next appointment would be another normal cleaning. I’m still going every 4 months since that seems to be the best setup for me, but a least they aren’t extreme appointments. But having these panic attacks really bothers me. I know it’s weird to be upset over something that I may not be able to control, but I feel that way. I’m usually emotionally and physically exhausted after an appointment. I wish I could just magically be ok and not panic even a little bit, but I don’t think that is likely to happen in my future.

So I just have to tolerate these every 4 months and hope for the best. And next time, hopefully I won’t have the extra panic with traffic making it worse.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Excitement and Speaking Up (or My Last Monthly Challenge of 2021)

Posted on December 1, 2021 | Comments Off on Excitement and Speaking Up (or My Last Monthly Challenge of 2021)

It’s so crazy that it’s already December. This year feels like it didn’t happen, but I think part of that is similar to what happened last year with the pandemic. I didn’t get to fully live my life the way I’m used to, but in other ways I created new things within my life. But still, this year is almost done and that just seems bonkers!

And since it’s the beginning of the last month of the year, it’s also time for me to review last month’s challenge and plan out this month’s challenge. Last month, my monthly challenge was to be more excited in my life. I knew I needed this challenge because I was feeling like I focused more on negatives and preparing for the worst and it was really starting to affect my life. I know I did this partially as a coping or protection mechanism because of some things happening in my life, but I knew last month I needed to move on from that feeling.

And I think I did a pretty good job with this challenge. A lot of the things that were causing me to focus on the negative were out of my life. I also worked on trying to make plans or have more things in my life that make me happy. Things are still not perfect and I do still worry about things more than I probably should, but I think the balance is much more toward the positive and excitement than to the negative. And just like with so many of these types of challenges, the biggest progress has been in my ability to recognize when my thoughts are getting this way and being able to take action sooner than I did before.

And for my last challenge this year, I have decided to do something that I have struggled with for a while but I have taken steps toward progress recently. This month, I challenge myself to speak up more for myself. This isn’t about being bossy or not listening to others, but about being a better advocate for myself.

I struggle a lot with this because I feel like speaking up could make me seem difficult or unlikeable. But I need to get over that feeling because I shouldn’t have to tolerate something that I’m not ok with just to assume the other person is going to be upset with me if I say otherwise. And this is something I struggle with in both my personal life and my work life.

For my personal life, I see this being an issue most with dating. There is the idea of being the cool girl and not pushing for things or stating you might want something more than what a situation is at the moment. I don’t think I was ever fully like that, but I know I didn’t speak up a lot in the past when I could have done so. I shouldn’t have to fear asking for what I want. If me saying I want to find something serious scares someone off, then they never would have been right for me. There is a saying that you will never be too much for the right person. I have to remember that. It would be better to stay single than to tolerate multiple half relationships where I don’t say what I really am hoping to find. I’ve been getting better at this, but there’s still a lot of work to go and fear to get over.

And for work, I’ve gotten much better about this, especially recently. There are a lot of systems at my job that just don’t make sense or work for me. And for many of them, there doesn’t seem to be a reason why things are like that other than that’s how it was done before and how we were trained. But as the company grows, there’s no reason to avoid change. But unless someone speaks up and explains why a system isn’t working, there’s no way for those in charge to know and look into alternatives.

I feel like I do have an advantage with this since one of the executives at the company is a friend of mine. And when he was sitting in with me while I worked, I was able to be very blunt and honest about systems that just make work harder than it needs to be. I know that this really is a benefit with this job that I can keep in mind when discussing ideas like this with other jobs. But it’s still the same idea about not fearing I will be fired because I bring up a concern.

I hope that I find some good ways to speak up more for myself when I need to this month. I know that I am worth asking for what I want or expressing when things don’t seem right to me, but sometimes it’s hard to believe that in the moment.

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff, Work

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