I’ve been making more of an effort to try to be social over the past month. I know that I’m very isolated at home and I can’t keep doing that. But it can be hard to find the balance between being social and being safe. I don’t want to go out where there will be a lot of people and I really don’t want to be out somewhere that a lot of people aren’t wearing masks. And I keep being fearful that I will take a slightly higher risk than I have and that’s what will get me sick. So I have to make sure that whatever I choose to do, I pick things that are safe.
I think that’s one reason why I’m happy to go see my family. I’m sure I would have seen them just as often without a pandemic. But when I’m with my family it’s the one time I can be social and not scared. Before we see each other, we take precautions to make sure that we aren’t going to get each other sick. When I’m around my family, I do still have a little hesitation because of the new fears in my head, but I know I don’t have to worry as much. If anyone in my family thought for a moment that they had been exposed, we wouldn’t be seeing each other.
My social time outside of my family has been very limited. Most of the time, it’s virtual socialization. I’ve rarely seen a friend in person and when I have it’s been at a distance and wearing masks. And thinking about that has been making me sad and I couldn’t figure out exactly why. But earlier this week, I finally was able to put a word to the feeling.
All the social interactions I’ve had (outside of my family) have been very cold. You can’t hug your friends. You can’t be completely comfortable because you have to be cautious. With very few exceptions, you have to be wearing a mask. And wearing a mask almost takes away some of the human element of being social. It’s hard when you can’t see the bottom half of someone’s face. It is like a barrier between you and your friends (and yes, I know it literally is) that keeps you from connecting the same way you are used to. There is a degree of separation that we aren’t used to having when we are out with people.
I think having virtual hangouts has the same issues. There is something that isn’t quite right and feels normal. You aren’t getting the same connection that you get when you hang out together in person. I know that everyone is trying to make it feel like it’s not weird, but there’s something that will never feel the same when you are looking at someone on a screen and you aren’t in the same space.
I don’t know how to fix this feeling. I know that some of my friends have been working on creating bubbles where they know that they are only seeing each other. Many of my friends don’t have the luxury of not having to go out to work, so it’s not easy for me to find someone that I could be in a bubble with. I know that we could try to find things we could do outside and if we sit far enough away we wouldn’t necessarily have to wear masks, but that still feels a bit too risky for so many of us. Again, it’s all about finding what risks we are willing to take. And I know that my group of friends is probably more cautious than most, but it’s for good reason. I’ve known too many people who got sick. One of my friends had only been leaving their house to go to the grocery store (where everyone is wearing a mask) and they still got sick. Fortunately, most of my friends have made full or almost full recoveries. But some are still dealing with issues months after they were told that they were over it.
We’ve been in this pandemic for about 8 months now. I am still learning so much about how to survive in such isolation and what I feel like I need to feel better. New things are discovered all the time. A month or two ago, I probably would have said that I didn’t care if I was seeing people in masks because it was being social. Now I know that doing that helps but it still leaves me feeling sad and like I’m not fully experiencing my time with my friends. But I don’t know if I can do anything to change that for now. I just have to continue to find ways to manage right now and hope that soon enough we will be through this pandemic and I won’t have these concerns anymore.
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