Tag Archives: dating

I wrote recently about how I got unexpected closure from someone I went out with several years ago. When things left off with him, I had been very clear about what I was looking for through dating and what standards I had for a potential relationship. I know that putting expectations on people isn’t always a good thing, but I felt like I had to share what my bare minimum was so he could at least attempt to match what I am looking for. If I don’t explain how I like to have regular communication such as texting, how can I expect him to know that’s what I am looking for him to do? And when we said goodbye, I knew I had put it all out there, but I also knew that he might not be able to be the person I’m looking for.

And my hesitation was accurate because I quickly figured out that this wasn’t going to work. He quickly reverted back to old patterns which were the reasons why we didn’t work out years ago. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me or respecting what I had said I wanted. I understand that it might have been more than what he wanted, but that’s why I said I didn’t think we should see each other again if he couldn’t do those things. I wouldn’t have had hard feelings if he ended it because he couldn’t match what I needed. I honestly would have respected him for hearing me and knowing he couldn’t do that.

But instead, he was trying to get me to compromise. And at first, I was willing to compromise on some things with him. But as we talked, the more it sounded like he wanted me to compromise to what he wanted, not to meet in the middle. And I had to call him out on it. And I don’t know if I have a clearer head now or if it’s just from having a few more years of life experience, but I started to recognize behaviors that didn’t sit right with me.

He was dismissing some of my feelings about things. I would say that it felt like he was treating me one way, and his response was just that he didn’t feel that way so I shouldn’t feel the same. When I called him out for only wanting me to compromise to be what he wanted and not meet in the middle, he kept asking me if I was sure that I didn’t want what he was looking for. He knew things that I wanted and was looking for, and was trying to use that to convince me to agree with him on things. And I probably would have fallen for this before and just accepted whatever I could get and not held out for what I wanted or knew I deserved.

But even though I’m proud of myself for being strong in what I want, it wasn’t easy. I have been severely touch-starved for the past few years. I had more isolation than almost anyone else I know since I don’t have roommates or pets. I went almost 100 days without any physical contact from another person. I never would have imagined being able to do that, and I think I am still feeling some of the effects of that. In the back of my head, I wonder if I should just accept what I can get because that’s better sometimes than being lonely. But I also know that if I’m accepting something that isn’t what I want, I will be more lonely in the end because it will just feel unfulfilling. Both situations aren’t ideal, but I think not having something that is half-ass is the lesser of the two evils.

As much as I would have liked to have seen if something could have worked out with this guy, I think we’ve officially hit our end. I’m sure he will still reach out to me eventually to see if I’ve changed my mind, but I know I won’t unless he has grown to the standard that I am looking for. But he seemed pretty clear that he couldn’t see himself changing for several years. And I have no plans on waiting to see if or when he changes. I need to find the person who is right for me at this point and not the idea of what someone might be in the future. But it still felt like this was a test and I had the chance to go against my best interests. I’m sad that things probably will never be more than what they were, but I’m still proud of myself for not falling for things I fell for before and continuing to stay strong for what I know I want and deserve.

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I just wrote about how someone from my past was chatting with me again. This happens from time to time, but rarely does it lead to anything. I try to be open-minded and give people second chances if they didn’t do anything that hurt me, but it’s not always easy. I haven’t always allowed someone that second chance if I see behaviors from the past happening again or if I realize that I just don’t have the same interest in them again as I did before. It’s tough to tell someone that you just don’t want to try again, especially with some of my anxiety around dating. But I’m getting better about doing that for myself.

I can only think of one other person that I gave a real second chance. And after I did that, he ended up ghosting me again and it showed me that he was not the person I hoped he would be. And while it did hurt when he ghosted me the second time, it felt very different than the first time. It hurt less and somehow it felt more settled and I was at ease. I couldn’t figure out how to put words to my feelings, but I finally figured it out after this past weekend.

I gave the guy I mentioned last week another chance and saw him this past weekend. There were a lot of things we needed to talk about because we hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years. There were misunderstandings from our past that we never discussed with each other. And I was very hesitant to see him because I didn’t know if he could be the type of guy that I am looking for. But I wanted to hear what he had to say, and I think we did have a good discussion about what a future could be.

In the past, I did play cool and was scared of scaring someone off if I came off too strong. I don’t know if it’s age or experience, but I don’t care if I scare someone off anymore. I’m not trying to rush anything, but I’m also not scared to say what I want long-term. I’m not avoiding the question or just saying that I don’t know what I want. I do know and I’m looking for someone who wants the same. And with this guy before, I wasn’t always just playing cool but there was some confusion about what I wanted. And I might not have been as clear to him at the end as I should have been. But this time, we were both very clear about what we wanted and what a relationship would look like to us. It was a really good conversation and some of the things we discussed were things I never really have talked about with other guys I’ve dated. So I was happy where things left off because I said exactly what I would need from him to be ok pursuing something further.

And I really don’t know if he could be the guy that I need. I think he is still uncertain about some things for his future and how he sees dating. I told him that he knows exactly where I stand and what I need, so it’s up to him if he wants things to move forward. I don’t want to have to force someone to make plans with me. I know he wants to see me again, but I’m not someone’s backup plan or just waiting for when they tell me they are free so I can drop everything to see them. I want plans. I don’t need to be someone’s first priority in life, but I should be a bit of a priority. And I don’t know if he is willing to plan things in advance since before he preferred to make plans only a few hours in advance.

Before I saw him again this past weekend, I had a lot of “what if” questions in my head. We didn’t end because of anything bad, it just fizzled out when we were looking for different things. And I always wondered if there could have been more. And now looking back at that time, I think I wondered that because I was never upfront and honest about what I wanted or how I like to date. I was letting others dictate how dating looked and just went along with it instead of asking for what I felt it could be.

And now, I feel so much more settled about how things left off. I might see him again and I might not. But I’m not wondering anymore because I was very clear with him about my feelings and I didn’t hold anything back. And as I was thinking back on this past weekend and the guy last year who I gave another chance, I realized what the feeling was getting after seeing these guys again was closure.

I know that you can’t necessarily get closure on a past relationship. There are ways to get a bit of closure, but there are usually things left unsaid or unanswered. But the closure I got last year and this past weekend wasn’t from the guys I saw. This was the closure I got from my past self who was scared to stand up for herself. I got closure from the past when I didn’t do what I should have done the first time. I have closure about wondering if these guys could be the guys I would need in my life without wondering if I gave them the chance to rise to that expectation. I wasn’t looking for closure with either of them, but it appears that’s what I got and probably what I needed.

Even if I continue to see the guy from this past weekend, I still got closure on our past and that would allow us to move forward. I know I’m a different person than I was 5 years ago and wouldn’t want to be judged based on my past self. And I shouldn’t be judging him on his past self. I can still expect and want something different from before, but I shouldn’t be judging the past and assuming he couldn’t be different now. He would still have to show me some things that prove he has changed, but I’m looking at it as asking someone new if they could be that type of person.

I never really understood how my past was so unfinished and I know I can’t change the past. But I guess I found a way to finally close the chapter from years ago and potentially start a new chapter with someone. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens with him. But I do know that if we don’t move forward, I finally feel like I have made myself heard in a past relationship and that is a powerful feeling.

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It was only a few weeks ago that I wrote about how I rematched with guys from my past. Those were guys I matched with on dating apps for the second time, but I do think that for both of them I had messaged with them outside of the dating apps. So I think they both had my number, but they never reached out again until we rematched on the app. And I wrote about how I was open to seeing what would happen, but I was cautious.

For both of them, I ended up unmatching with them. For one guy, I knew it couldn’t lead to anything serious because of his work situation. I was open to seeing him again because our date before was really nice, and it seemed at first that he was open to that as well. But things just didn’t happen and it seemed like he either lost interest or was only willing to message me when he had free time and not plan. So I unmatched with him because I don’t want to be someone’s backup plan and there’s no reason for me to continue something without a future.

For the other guy, I was willing to hear out why he ghosted me before, but he never seemed to want to answer that question. And there were other issues with him that made me feel less certain about him. I didn’t like that he was lying about his age. Whenever someone does that, it makes me wonder what else they might be lying about. I know that they might only be lying about their age to get different results in the app’s algorithm, but I still feel that’s weird. Also, this guy doesn’t live that close to me. When we went out a few years ago, he mentioned possibly moving more toward my part of LA, but he hasn’t done that. So I figured between not getting answers from what happened before and the other issues, there was no point in moving forward. I did tell him that it was nice to chat again but I don’t think we are a match this time, so at least I didn’t ghost him.

And again, another person from my past has come back. This time, it wasn’t from matching on an app again. He and I went out years ago and we had each other’s phone numbers. And he has texted me over the years. But last year, I said that I would be willing to give him a chance if he would call me and not text because calls can get things done while texts can take a while to get a response from. And he wasn’t understanding me or didn’t believe me because he continued to just text. But we finally had a phone call this past week and I said that as long as he continued to call and not text, I would consider seeing him again.

When he and I stopped seeing each other, it wasn’t because anything bad happened. We wanted different things and he had some issues with following through with seeing me. Just like I said before, I’m not someone’s backup plan. I want someone who wants to make plans with me, not just see if I’m free when they are free at the last minute. And I told him this when we talked this week. If he wants to see me, there has to be a plan and there has to be effort. I don’t need anything fancy. Even just asking if I wanted to meet up for coffee or something simple would be fine as long as it was a plan.

And I’m trying to stay strong with this mindset. It’s really easy for me to just accept something less because I was told by people for a long time that I don’t deserve nice things and should just be happy that anyone would be interested in me. I know I deserve more than what I have gotten in the past. I know that someone should be as excited as I am about going on dates. I don’t know what will happen with this guy or if we will end up going out, but I’m really trying to hold him to the standard that I’m asking for. I know I’m not asking for much, and if he decides that he’s not ok with that then we aren’t meant to go out again.

I have been trying to be stronger with how I am with my dating life. I am not playing the cool girl or acting like I’m good with whatever I’m offered. I don’t need to put up with a situation that I’m not happy with just because the alternative is not dating anyone at the moment. The pandemic really taught me the difference between being alone and being lonely. And as long as I have time with others in my life like seeing friends or going to my workouts, I’m not lonely. And being alone can be better than being in an unfulfilling dating situation that makes me feel insecure.

It’s not always easy to remember that, especially when I want someone to like me, but I’m trying. And hopefully, whether it’s this guy from my past or someone new, they will respect that I’m standing up for myself and what I want and will be happy to meet my standards (and hopefully exceed them).

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For most of the time that I have used dating apps, I have seen guys come up in my feed multiple times. Most of the time, they are guys that I never matched with and I usually swipe the same way on them that I did the previous times that I saw them. And occasionally, I would see a guy come across my feed that I had gone out with before. If I had gone out with them and didn’t want to see them again, I usually block them but occasionally I forget to do so. So if I see them again in my feed, I’ll block them that time. But sometimes, I see someone in my feed that I had gone out with and was ghosted by. That’s always a weird thing.

Getting ghosted sucks. There’s no eloquent way to say that. Even if I wasn’t sure about seeing them again, I respect someone more who can tell me that over ghosting. And I try to do the same for guys I go out with. I have only ghosted on occasions where I feel like that is best for my safety. I hate telling someone I don’t want to see them again, but I know they deserve that respect from me.

So when I see someone who ghosted me in the past come across my feed, it’s usually weird emotions. I usually am angry about what they did and I have no interest in hearing what they might have to say. Rarely, I will swipe right to see if we will match. I don’t know what I expect if I match someone who ghosted me, but for some reason, I will have a pull to consider giving someone another chance. And it usually doesn’t end in anything good. The best example of that is when I gave someone another chance and they ghosted me again. But it did give me a sense of closure that I didn’t have before. The first ghosting hurt and made me wonder what I did wrong. The second ghosting showed me that they really are an inconsiderate person and that I don’t have any interest in being with someone who would treat me like that.

For some reason in the past few weeks, I have been seeing more and more guys from my past on dating apps. Maybe they were seeing someone and it ended and they are all getting back on the apps now. I don’t know why it’s happening so much now, but I have also been a bit more open to giving people second chances or at least trying to hear them out. So I have swiped right on a few of them and have matched with 2. One guy technically didn’t ghost me, it was more of a slow fade but I think I was more interested in continuing things than he was and he never said it.

But the second one really did ghost me and I have always wondered what happened. But after matching with him again, I question if I care to see what his excuse or explanation is. He doesn’t live that close to me so when we went out it usually was a big ordeal to figure out traffic. And after matching with him again I realized that he was either lying about his age before or now. I think he’s lying now, but 4 years ago he had his age as 37 and now he has it as 34. I know that some people lie about their age, but it always makes me wonder what the end game is for them when they do that. They will have to reveal the truth if they want to see someone more than just casually and I would always wonder what else they were lying about. But since it doesn’t take me much effort to text with him and hear him out, I will give him a chance but proceed with caution.

I know that I have learned things from everyone that I have gone out with, but sometimes there is something that makes me wonder if our story was really over. There are some people who will never get a second chance (like those who have hurt me or lied about serious things such as being married), but I am trying to be open to opportunities in dating and elsewhere in my life. So giving someone from my past a potential second chance could lead to something. But I also know that giving someone a chance doesn’t give them a free pass either. So if they want another chance beyond matching and texting, they do have to earn it.

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I haven’t written about dating for a little while, and that’s honestly because I haven’t had a lot to write about. I am getting a bit burnt out with dating apps, but I also know they are almost a necessary evil. So I’m trying to set times to make an effort but I’m not as focused on them as I was in the past. I also have so many other things happening in my life right now so finding time to go on dates isn’t as easy as it normally is.

I don’t know if I’d say we are in a post-pandemic world since the pandemic isn’t really over, but it’s not the same as it was at the beginning of the pandemic. So I guess I’ve experienced pre-pandemic, pandemic, and almost post-pandemic dating at this point. And honestly, there haven’t been a lot of things that have been different when comparing each time. The biggest difference was during the worst of the pandemic, I was trying to date before seeing someone in real life since you had to have a lot of trust in them to risk things like that. I’m glad that we are pretty much past that point in the pandemic and as long as you are meeting in an outdoor space, it’s pretty safe. I know you still have to be cautious and we can’t be quite as carefree as before, but I’m glad it’s better.

But besides that main difference, so much is still the same and it’s really frustrating. The lack of follow-through and getting ghosted are at the top of my annoyance list. Being ghosted always sucks and I hate it. I haven’t really been ghosted much lately, but that’s only because I haven’t had a lot of dates recently. And I don’t know if I count someone that I’m messaging with who stops responding as someone who ghosted me. I know some people do think of it as the same thing, and I can see why they would think that. But for me, it’s a bit different.

But messaging someone who stops responding goes along with the idea of lack of follow-through. There are so many guys I have talked to who have asked me if I wanted to meet up with them in person and I’ve agreed. But then when it comes to making plans, they just don’t say much. There was someone recently who asked me to meet them for coffee, and I agreed. They asked me when I was free and I gave them a few options. They responded that they would need to check their schedule and get back to me. Maybe I’m wrong for following up with them after not hearing back for a few days, but I try to give people chances. But more often than not, either they don’t respond to my follow-up or they give me another non-specific answer or leave things up in the air. I don’t know if they are just flakey people or if they never really wanted to meet up in person. Either way, I’m over that feeling and dealing with it. I know I have to allow for some flexibility and I can’t expect that someone wouldn’t have something that requires them to postpone (I’ve had to reschedule before), but unless there is a plan happening after we’ve made plans to meet in person, I don’t have to just sit and wait for them to let me know when they are ready for me.

I have so much other stress and frustration in my life right now, so maybe it’s for the best that I haven’t been able to make plans with anyone. My time should be spent working on moving and focusing on that. I’ve been busy pretty much every day after work for over a week now and I’m glad I used that time for stuff related to the move. If I was actually dating someone and not just going on first dates that might not lead anywhere, maybe I would feel differently. But for now, my time is better spent on stuff I know I need to do this month and not things that only have the potential to be something. But once I’m moved into my new place, I hope that I feel a bit reinvigorated and will be back to my regular dating style and maybe things will be a bit better.

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