I wrote recently about how I got unexpected closure from someone I went out with several years ago. When things left off with him, I had been very clear about what I was looking for through dating and what standards I had for a potential relationship. I know that putting expectations on people isn’t always a good thing, but I felt like I had to share what my bare minimum was so he could at least attempt to match what I am looking for. If I don’t explain how I like to have regular communication such as texting, how can I expect him to know that’s what I am looking for him to do? And when we said goodbye, I knew I had put it all out there, but I also knew that he might not be able to be the person I’m looking for.
And my hesitation was accurate because I quickly figured out that this wasn’t going to work. He quickly reverted back to old patterns which were the reasons why we didn’t work out years ago. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me or respecting what I had said I wanted. I understand that it might have been more than what he wanted, but that’s why I said I didn’t think we should see each other again if he couldn’t do those things. I wouldn’t have had hard feelings if he ended it because he couldn’t match what I needed. I honestly would have respected him for hearing me and knowing he couldn’t do that.
But instead, he was trying to get me to compromise. And at first, I was willing to compromise on some things with him. But as we talked, the more it sounded like he wanted me to compromise to what he wanted, not to meet in the middle. And I had to call him out on it. And I don’t know if I have a clearer head now or if it’s just from having a few more years of life experience, but I started to recognize behaviors that didn’t sit right with me.
He was dismissing some of my feelings about things. I would say that it felt like he was treating me one way, and his response was just that he didn’t feel that way so I shouldn’t feel the same. When I called him out for only wanting me to compromise to be what he wanted and not meet in the middle, he kept asking me if I was sure that I didn’t want what he was looking for. He knew things that I wanted and was looking for, and was trying to use that to convince me to agree with him on things. And I probably would have fallen for this before and just accepted whatever I could get and not held out for what I wanted or knew I deserved.
But even though I’m proud of myself for being strong in what I want, it wasn’t easy. I have been severely touch-starved for the past few years. I had more isolation than almost anyone else I know since I don’t have roommates or pets. I went almost 100 days without any physical contact from another person. I never would have imagined being able to do that, and I think I am still feeling some of the effects of that. In the back of my head, I wonder if I should just accept what I can get because that’s better sometimes than being lonely. But I also know that if I’m accepting something that isn’t what I want, I will be more lonely in the end because it will just feel unfulfilling. Both situations aren’t ideal, but I think not having something that is half-ass is the lesser of the two evils.
As much as I would have liked to have seen if something could have worked out with this guy, I think we’ve officially hit our end. I’m sure he will still reach out to me eventually to see if I’ve changed my mind, but I know I won’t unless he has grown to the standard that I am looking for. But he seemed pretty clear that he couldn’t see himself changing for several years. And I have no plans on waiting to see if or when he changes. I need to find the person who is right for me at this point and not the idea of what someone might be in the future. But it still felt like this was a test and I had the chance to go against my best interests. I’m sad that things probably will never be more than what they were, but I’m still proud of myself for not falling for things I fell for before and continuing to stay strong for what I know I want and deserve.
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