Tag Archives: dating

Dating App Patterns (or Losing Hope But Trying To Stay Hopeful)

Posted on September 30, 2021 | Comments Off

Since I put myself out on dating apps again, my dating life seems to have a few different patterns it typically follows. And none of these patterns are really that great and it’s really frustrating.

The first (and most common pattern): I match with someone on a dating app. Either they message me if they can or I send the first message. If they message me, often it’s just “Hi” or an emoji and I respond and don’t hear back from them again. Or if I send the first message with an opening line that usually asks a question so they have something to respond to and I never hear from them (or if it’s Bumble, the match goes away after 24 hours). This is annoying, and I never understand why they would keep a match that they have no interest in talking to. Being unmatched after matching isn’t fun, but at least I can understand that behavior more.

The next pattern I see a lot is that I match with someone and we have a great back and forth messaging for a while. Sometimes this is for a day, sometimes it’s for a few days or a week. Occasionally, there is discussion about meeting up in person since I’d rather meet in real life over texting. And then, the next day I might message them to continue the conversation and I never hear from them again. I think some of these guys are using dating apps as something to boost their egos and only want to know that someone might be interested in them. I hate that I can’t figure out who might be this type of person before I have some hope that I might be able to meet them, but there aren’t necessarily signs leading up to this. Everything seems normal until it doesn’t.

And the most annoying pattern is when I’m messaging someone and all of a sudden the conversation takes a hard turn. This can be within the first day of messaging or even weeks later (if I’m messaging someone that long before I have the chance to meet them). And the turn usually goes from a normal conversation into them sending me a nude picture or their attempt to turn the conversation really sexual when it wasn’t like that at all before. I’ve had guys who have responded to my opening line, ask me something in return, and then their response to my answer is a naked photo. I will never know why guys do that, I highly doubt that many women have responded to a nude photo with something positive. Maybe they think they just need to keep trying and eventually someone will react the way they hope?

Of course, not every guy I match with on dating apps falls into these patterns. I think the main reason I still use apps is because of the ones that are different. They don’t happen often, but often enough that just when I’m feeling hopeless I get a new burst of hope and keep going. And I know that I don’t need every guy I match with to respond or be a person I want to meet. While it is a bit of a numbers game, it’s not a numbers game that way. I don’t need dozens of perfect matches. I just need one.

I wish that knowing these patterns happen so frequently would make it not as bad when it happens. But it does still bother me, especially when I’ve been talking to someone for a few days and they either stop responding or turn the conversation into something I’m not ok with. But I am not going to give up just yet and I just have to keep going. And I have to hope that pattern changes sometime soon.

Comments Off on Dating App Patterns (or Losing Hope But Trying To Stay Hopeful)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating

Sometimes I Have To Be The Bad Guy (or At Least This Isn’t Really About Pandemic Dating)

Posted on August 4, 2021 | Comments Off

I know I just wrote about dating the other day. But honestly, it’s one of the few things I do that isn’t just about me being isolated at home. It’s still not super easy to figure out how to go out and date, but doing virtual dates or phone calls at least makes me feel a bit less isolated. And I know that this past year and a half has really taught me what I’m looking for in another person because I know my limits for being alone. I have always known I didn’t need a boyfriend or husband, but I wanted one. But now I know more about how I could fit someone into my life and what type of support I would want from another person. And I think being clearer on what I’m looking for is one of the things that keeps me going on dating apps when it can be so overwhelming and upsetting.

Before the pandemic, I would always try to meet up with someone as soon as possible. You can have amazing chemistry over text and not have it in person. There are some people who are only on dating apps just to text and get an ego boost. So meeting in person can help eliminate those who have no interest in meeting at all and those with who you don’t have great chemistry with.

And it is a little easier now to feel ok meeting up in person. Especially with people very happy to share that they are vaccinated (I wouldn’t meet with someone who said they weren’t vaccinated right now). And so many have their vaccination cards on their profiles which is nice. And even though I don’t feel safe going to a lot of places, I know I can still find places to have dates. And that’s what I did this week.

I matched with someone last week and we were texting for a few days before having a phone call. And it was a really great call and we ended up talking for hours. I try to not get too excited before meeting in person, but I was thinking he could be a really great match for me. A lot of what we talked about were more intense topics than you’d normally discuss with someone new, but it also allowed us to know we were on the same page with a lot of things. He agreed to come to my part of LA and we decided to meet up in downtown Culver City where there are a lot of nice places to sit outside and talk.

I knew I’d get there first because it’s so close to my house. So I found a nice picnic table to sit at and wait for him to arrive. It’s been really hot in LA, but I was in the shade and it was starting to cool down. So I was just enjoying the view and being outside while waiting.

And he ended up being about an hour late. It wasn’t really his fault and we were texting while he was late. But where we met has a similar name to another location and his rideshare driver convinced him that he was going to the wrong place. He wasn’t, but he didn’t know so the driver took him to a different location that was about a mile or two away. He was confused about where I was and I told him he went to the wrong place. So he walked over to where I was. I can’t fault him for being late since he really didn’t know and if his rideshare driver didn’t think they knew better, he would have been on time. And I was enjoying the people watching so it didn’t seem like I was waiting that long.

And unfortunately, we just didn’t click and connect in person the way we had on the phone or over text. I know he was upset about being late, but I told him that it was fine and I wasn’t upset. And if I wasn’t ok waiting, I would have left. I don’t know what was making our meeting so awkward for me, but it wasn’t the usual awkwardness from a first date or meeting. It was just more of a sense of knowing this isn’t someone I’m meant to date. I tried to give him a chance, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I ended up staying later than I originally planned to since I wanted to see if my feelings changed. And when I said goodbye, I didn’t imply that I felt the way I did (but I didn’t say anything about seeing each other again either).

I hoped after that, he would message me saying he didn’t think we clicked so I could know we felt the same way. I know how much it can hurt when you think you are on a good date and then find out from the other person they didn’t feel the same way. But I also didn’t want to wait too long and leave him thinking something different. I hate to be the one to reject someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I have the little voice in the back of my head saying to me that I have no right to reject someone because I don’t deserve anything good. But I knew I had to say something.

I sent him a message saying that I was grateful we could meet and thanking him for coming to my side of town, but that I didn’t think we clicked in person the same way we did on the phone. And I wished him luck and told him that I hoped he found someone amazing because I know he deserves that. And I don’t know if he felt the same way or what, but his response back to me was very low key and just thanking me and saying that sounds good. After his messages, I unmatched with him since I knew he saw my rejection. And I can move on.

Even though I know he and I weren’t a good match, I still have that annoying voice in my head making me question it. I hate being the bad guy, but I had to. I know more than ever now the type of person I deserve and what I want, and this guy just didn’t match that. He’s not a bad person or anything, he just wasn’t what I’m looking for. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I just have to keep telling the voice in my head that same thing.

Comments Off on Sometimes I Have To Be The Bad Guy (or At Least This Isn’t Really About Pandemic Dating)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating

Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different)

Posted on July 27, 2021 | Comments Off

For the majority of my life, dating was pretty normal. I know some people might not think of online dating as normal, but it’s common enough that it’s not weird. And until March 2020, I would say that for the most part, my dating life might have been crazy and filled with lots of stories, but it was what I was used to and nothing seemed that strange as far as finding dates and going on them.

As we all know, the pandemic changed so much of that. Meeting in person became risky. Doing virtual dates started to be more popular and the apps created new ways to date without having to leave your home, not just to find dates. And I started to do a lot of phone calls with dates, something I rarely did as an adult. And some of these things are things I’ll probably keep in my dating life because they made some things easier (virtual dates are nice when you don’t have to deal with driving or looking cute below what the camera sees). But it wasn’t perfect either.

Dating needs to involve in-person meetings too. I’ve had too many experiences where things seemed great over text, phone calls, and virtual dates. The conversation flowed and it felt like there was a lot of chemistry. But then when you meet in real life, the chemistry just isn’t there. This isn’t about attraction or something that I might think would grow. There’s just something about chemistry and I can tell if I have an interest in dating someone or not. And it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes the chemistry is platonic and they are just meant to be someone I’m friends with and not someone to date. But it’s still tough when you are so hopeful before a date and then you realize that it’s not what you wanted.

And even in a pandemic, there have been plenty of the same things I’ve always dealt with. I’ve had text conversations with guys and they either unmatch with me without saying anything or just stop responding (and I’ll usually delete those matches after a bit of time). I’ve been ghosted by guys I’ve had in-person dates with. And getting ghosted still hurts. The last guy who ghosted me was someone I was only seeing for a few weeks, but we had fun dates and great conversations. We actually discussed how horrible ghosting is and said that we would tell the other if we didn’t want to see each other again. There were some things about him that I was hesitant about, nothing bad but I know I held back a bit. But after texting to plan our next date, he stopped responding to me and I’m officially ghosted again. I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, but I’ve started to build a bit of a thick skin when it comes to getting ghosted and I have learned how to move past it a bit faster than before. And if someone who ghosted me shows up again (which happens), I know that things can’t just pick up and I can’t guarantee I’d give them another chance.

I had hopes that dating might return to more normalcy now with things reopening. But we know that didn’t really happen since cases are increasing again. And while I’m still more willing to meet in person than I was a year ago, it’s not always easy since a lot of my usual places are closed or have limited availability. And meeting somewhere inside means masks have to be worn, which does make getting to know someone harder. I still wear a mask for safety on dates (although most people now openly share their vaccination status). But it’s been nice when I meet someone outdoors and someplace not too crowded so we can take our masks off if we both feel safe.

And who knows. Maybe dating will never go back to the way it was before 2020. Maybe it will be good and maybe it won’t. All I know is that I will continue to find ways to date (and date safely) because I know more than ever now that I don’t want to always be alone.

Comments Off on Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating, pandemic

Dating App Whirlwind (or I’m Glad I Only Wasted 15 Minutes)

Posted on June 16, 2021 | Comments Off

I know that I often write about negative things about dating or dating apps. And this is going to be another negative story. But I also want to say that it’s not all horrible and bad. But the good stories tend to not be as interesting to share. There are plenty of guys I’ve gone out with and had a nice date but it didn’t go any further. Sometimes I’m the one who declines a second date and sometimes it’s the guy. And yes, sometimes they tell me by ghosting me and that’s not fun. But for the most part, the dates I go on are either good or neutral. They are rarely really bad.

And it’s even rarer when I don’t even make it on a date and it turns out really bad. I have gotten a lot of messages that have taken a turn really quickly and they went from seeming nice to writing something really dirty or gross. And that’s annoying, but it’s easy enough to unmatch with someone and block them or report them if I feel like that’s necessary. I no longer have a lot of tolerance for messages that feel inappropriate and I’ll admit that I’m quick to unmatch. But I also don’t feel like I need to entertain someone’s bad behavior. If they seem like they made a bad joke, I might see if things change back. But I don’t have to keep giving strangers multiple chances, especially when they should be on their best behavior when they are just starting to message with me.

And then sometimes, things take a turn for the worst so quickly that I am completely shocked. And that’s what happened to me the other day.

I matched with someone new the other day. This match was on Bumble, so I had to message him first. I have a few different go-to opening lines that hopefully will start a conversation, so I asked him what question he wished someone would ask him on Bumble that he is never asked. He wrote back saying he’d like to know how his matches like to take care of others. It was a bit of an odd answer, but nothing too bad. We exchanged another message or two and then he called me. You can make voice and video calls through Bumble (which I like because I’d prefer not to give out my number until I meet someone in real life), but most people don’t make calls. This guy’s profile did mention he required a call before meeting (which I don’t require but can respect), but I wasn’t expecting him to call him so quickly.

And the call got off to a weird start. I know I was awkward. I was in the middle of doing some work around my house and not in the best headspace to talk on the phone (but I also felt weird declining the call). He said that he requires calls so I should be surprised, but I would have expected him to ask me if I could talk at the time or try to set up a good time to talk later. Then he went into what felt like a very rehearsed introduction. He said his name, what he does, how he doesn’t live in LA but is moving here soon, and a few other details about himself. He sped through saying it all so it was hard to catch everything he said, but I tried to listen. And then I told him a little about myself, but not quite as much as he shared with me.

He asked me about being an actor and joked how I was just another struggling actress in LA. I was really taken aback by that statement and said that while I might not make my living as an actor right now that I wouldn’t call myself struggling (I might consider myself that a bit, but he doesn’t need to know that). Then he asked me why I swiped right on him. Honestly, I was wondering that myself at that point. I said something like how he seemed interesting and I’m trying to give more people chances. And then I asked him why he swiped right on me.

He said he didn’t. He pays for Bumble and when you pay you can see who has already swiped right on you (I pay for this as well and have access to do the same, but I swipe through the feed too). He said that he doesn’t swipe himself, he only approves of the women who already swiped right on him. And he doesn’t look at their profiles or photos. He approves everyone and then decides if they are worthwhile when he talks to them. He went on and on about how he gets 400 matches a day and that he doesn’t have time to look at any profiles so he needs the women to explain why they are good matches to him. Basically, he wanted me to sell myself to him to try to convince him to want to date me. And I don’t need to do that.

I don’t need to be a living breathing version of my profile when someone claims they can’t waste time reading my profile. I have no interest in talking to someone who only matched with me because I swiped on them and that they have no interest in me until I prove it to him. I have nothing I owe someone or need to prove to them. If they want to date me and I want to date them, then awesome. But I’m not going to fawn all over someone just because they matched with me to get a date with them.

I’ll admit that I called this guy a few choice names before ending the call and unmatching and blocking him. I also reported him for a few things he called me that were inappropriate. From the time that he and I matched to the time that I blocked him was only 15 minutes. It felt like it was so much longer and I also couldn’t believe how much happen in that short of time. But I am grateful that I didn’t waste more time on someone who didn’t seem like a decent person.

I know that his profile got removed (I doubt I was the only one to complain about his behavior), but I have seen a new profile by him so I blocked that as well. And hopefully I’m able to block any future profiles he might create. I don’t have any desire to talk to this guy again. Even if he’s changed his ways and now acts more normal on apps, I gave him a chance and don’t feel the need to give him another chance.

And I was mad and annoyed at the time when this all happened because it is frustrating when I waste time and find out a match isn’t someone I’d really want to talk to. But it also gives me another funny and crazy story to share about my adventures in online dating. And at least others can get some entertainment out of what happens to me.

Comments Off on Dating App Whirlwind (or I’m Glad I Only Wasted 15 Minutes)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating

Believing I’m Worthy Of Effort (or Still Learning More While Dating)

Posted on May 27, 2021 | Comments Off

I’ve written so many posts about dating on here. Sometimes my posts are about crazy dating stories from either things I see on dating apps or things that have happened on a date. And a lot of posts have been about lessons I’ve learned through my experience of dating. Life lessons from dating have been a big theme for me. This is why the book I’m working on about dating is all about things I’ve learned through dating. And I know that this is something that will continue to be a big part of my dating life. I will never stop learning about myself through what happens with other people.

I know that sounds a bit bad, but I don’t necessarily take what others think of me as a guideline. It’s more about how I feel around them or seeing how I am treated and deciding if I’m ok with that or not. And for a long time, I didn’t allow myself to consider how I felt about things while dating.

If there was a guy that I was interested in, I would focus on figuring out what he wanted. Did he see me as just a friend or was he interested in more? Was he looking for something casual or something serious? I really wanted to know what they wanted and until the past few years, I didn’t think about what I wanted. There were guys that I wasn’t sure if I really liked them but I was still focused on seeing what they wanted. I didn’t allow myself to really think if I wanted things to continue or not be serious. Fortunately for me, I have been much better about this over the last few years. There are some guys that I have gone out with and have known quickly that I would consider dating them casually but never wanted to be with them seriously for one reason or another. If they wanted something serious, I had to turn them down. And that’s not easy for me because I do still worry if I will ever find another person who will want to be with me. But I’m glad this is something where I have taken some power back.

And more recently, I have realized that I am worthy of someone willing to make some effort to date me. This doesn’t mean I play hard to get or make it difficult for them to do things. I have 2 examples of how this has been playing out in my life recently.

First, there is someone from my past who has reached out to me again. They said they wanted to see me again and I was open to that. The reason we stopped seeing each other years ago wasn’t for anything bad, we just weren’t in the same place in life and it didn’t work out. But one issue I had with this guy was that he wasn’t always reliable. He would ask me out for the weekend and then I wouldn’t hear from him until after the weekend and he didn’t seem to understand why I was upset that I didn’t get to see them when I thought I would.

So when he reached out to me again, I said that I’d be open to trying to date again. But that if he wanted to do that he had to communicate with me over the phone. I wasn’t going to wait to see if he texted me back. I wanted phone calls so we could make plans and not have texting games. I didn’t think this was a big ask and he agreed to it. And for a week or two, he was calling me to talk and we were starting to make plans. But then, he went back to his texting routine. Saying he wanted to see me that weekend and then not texting me until the weekend was over. I texted him back once to say that I would like to plan a date but he would have to call me to do that. And he hasn’t been calling. He continues to text and I am no longer responding. I don’t think I’m making him do anything too difficult, but if he cannot follow through with phone calls to start, I have trouble believing that his reliability will be better if we did start dating again. If he finally called and made plans, I would give him a chance. But from the way he’s been acting, I don’t think this will be happening.

Another situation where I am trying to let someone make some effort is someone who I matched with more recently. We’ve gone out a few times and so far things have been really fun and nice. But I feel like I’ve been pushing for that next date a lot. I have been reaching out to see when he’s free and he hasn’t been giving too much of an answer. Mainly that he’s busy and will let me know when he’s free. And I’m not going to push more. If he really wanted to see me again or talk to me, he will do so. I don’t need to be bothering him asking if he’s free since he said he would follow up with me. This is a bit more of an uncomfortable one for me because I hate to think that maybe I won’t see him again since I’m not pushing for another date. But I also know that I don’t want to date someone that I have to push to see me. I want someone who wants to see me and is going to make it happen. That’s what I do, but now I’m not letting myself be the only one doing that.

It’s not always easy for me to believe that I’m worthy of someone making an effort, but I’m getting better at that. People like to say “if they wanted to make it happen, they will find a way”. And as much as I don’t like that statement, there is some truth to that. If these guys wanted to date me, they know what they have to do. I’m not going to push them into doing it or lower my standards just so I have someone to date. And maybe one of these guys will change and they will be the person I am meant to be with. Or maybe they won’t and I’ll find the person who makes as much effort as I do.

Comments Off on Believing I’m Worthy Of Effort (or Still Learning More While Dating)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating, worthy

Trying A New Type Of Virtual Date (or Having A Trivia Night)

Posted on May 11, 2021 | Comments Off

For most of last year, it was very difficult to try to date. There were so many concerns about the pandemic and needing to trust someone who you don’t necessarily know to make sure you were being safe. I rarely met anyone in person, and the few time I did, it was usually outside while wearing masks. It’s not easy to date that way and get to know someone. There is a weird disconnect when you can’t see someone’s full face.

So I tried a few different virtual dating options. I did virtual movie nights using Netflix Party (now called Teleparty). I did phone calls and video dates and was grateful that so many of the apps incorporated these features into the apps so I didn’t have to give out my phone number to someone I haven’t met. And at least with video dating, I could see what someone looks like outside of just the photos they post. Seeing someone move around on the screen shows a better idea of their look.

And recently, I’ve been venturing into in-person dating again. It’s still something that makes me a little nervous as far as pandemic safety goes, but as things are getting better I feel better about going out to date. And as more places start to open up, it at least gives me some options for where I can go for a date. It’s still not easy, but I’m glad it’s an option now when I didn’t have it before.

But there are still plenty of reasons to do a virtual date before an in-person date. I do look forward to when I can quickly and easily suggest to someone that we should meet up for a drink or coffee since in-person chemistry is so important to me. But there are still people who are high risk for getting sick or haven’t gotten the vaccine yet. And there are other guys that I’m matching with that aren’t super close to where I live. I don’t mind having to go to the valley for a date, but it’s not something I always want to do if I’m unsure about a person. So I continue to do virtual dates.

And it seems like some of the apps are trying to make virtual dates more than just a phone or video call. Having something to do on a virtual date makes it a little less awkward (which is part of the reason why I like doing virtual movie nights). A little while ago, I noticed that Bumble added a new virtual date option for a trivia game called Night In. I hadn’t had a chance to use it when it was released, but I did finally have a virtual date with it over this past weekend.

Night In is a trivia game that has 3 rounds and each round has 5 questions. You are in a video call with the other person and you work together to answer each question. You both have to press on the answer to see if you are right or not. You aren’t competing against anyone else, it’s just a way to have an icebreaker for a virtual date.

And I have to say that it was a really fun way to move beyond just texting with someone and getting to know them a bit. You learn about what random things they know about or how they try to solve a question they don’t know the answer to. We didn’t do that great with the trivia. We usually got either 2 out of 5 or 3 out of 5 right. There were a few that we disagreed on, but the answer the other person wanted was right. But again, it wasn’t a competition with anyone else, so it was ok that we didn’t get that many correct.

The only downside to using this for a virtual date was that there was a time limit to answer each question. I think it was about a minute for each one. So there wasn’t a ton of time to chat while we were playing or to discuss why we thought an answer was right. But after we completed all 3 rounds, we did continue our video call and got to know each other a bit more. I’m not sure there will be an in-person date or not, but I did get to know him better than I had over text. And there wasn’t a long time waiting for an answer to a question like there is with text.

I know that eventually, I might not do any form of virtual dating. I do see the benefit of a phone or video call before meeting in person because I have decided I didn’t want to meet someone from a call. But at the same time, I usually just prefer to meet in person. I know it has the potential to be a waste of time, but I don’t have such a crazy schedule that wasting an afternoon messes too much up for me.

But at least for now, I’m grateful for the options I have. Dating is hard to begin with, but it’s been so much harder since last year. So anything that gives me options and the ability to feel safe while dating is appreciated and something I’m glad I have to use if I feel like it’s the right first step.

Comments Off on Trying A New Type Of Virtual Date (or Having A Trivia Night)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating, pandemic, virtual

Feeling Normal and Less Anxious (or Sorry I Keep Writing About The Same Thing)

Posted on May 7, 2021 | Comments Off

A year ago when the pandemic started, I worried so much about what I would blog about. I wondered if I would have to cut back on how many days I’d have posts to go live. I wondered if every post would be the same and I’d have nothing to write about. I’m still surprised that I was able to maintain my regular blogging schedule even at the worst points of the pandemic.

But what I didn’t think about as much is how often I would write about things being normal again and how happy it makes me. Maybe it’s because things shutting down was such a shock that it seemed so different and the idea of things coming back seemed normal and boring. But I feel like I’m constantly writing about how happy I am as things come back into my life and things start to feel more like my life before.

Of course, I’m still being very cautious about what I do and where I go. I do have some anxiety as I go into a new place or am around a new person because I have to judge how safe things are. I know I’m pretty safe between being fully vaccinated and staying masked (except the few moments I am not masked in certain places). But I still need to be careful with my own safety and the safety of those around me.

But that anxiety about staying safe is easing as I get to do more things in my life. It’s not that I forget to be anxious or I don’t care. But my anxiety isn’t the primary emotion in my life anymore. I have other things to focus on so my mental health is in a much better place. My baseline isn’t where it was before, but it’s much closer to that than how low I was feeling during the worst of it. And as I add more and more back into my life, my baseline is getting to a better place.

I think having Orangetheory back into my life is a big thing that has made me feel better about everything. That routine and that workout helps me in so many ways. Even though it’s still tough to struggle with things I didn’t struggle with before, I’m feeling so much better about myself. I don’t even mind that I have to wake up so early to go to class. I’ve always appreciated Orangetheory and what it did for my body and mind, but I appreciate it at a whole new level now. And as I go to each class, I notice that working out in the studio is helping me feel better and better. I’m sure at some point that will level off, but for now it’s making a huge difference in my life.

Going out to eat was another big thing that has helped make me feel more normal and less anxious. This was a little harder for me to do since going out to eat means you aren’t wearing a mask. But going to Wood & Vine felt a lot safer than so many places I’ve been going in the past year. I knew I could trust the management and staff to be doing the right things to keep people safe, and I was right. I have seen some restaurants doing outdoor dining and the tables seem really close together. But Wood & Vine really was careful with how they set up the space, even when that meant they couldn’t have as many people there as they wanted.

Just going out to eat with a friend felt so normal and even though we were very aware of things, it also allowed us to forget that we were still in a pandemic for a little bit of time. And having any time where the pandemic isn’t dominating my thoughts is a nice escape. I spent far too long since last year thinking of nothing but my safety and health. And just like how Orangetheory is helping my mental health, having another focus is doing the same. Going out to eat is going to have to be a rare treat because I do want to be careful how much I go out, but it’s nice that it’s an option again in my life.

And even my dating life is starting to feel a bit more normal again! I’m still doing some video/virtual dates, but meeting up in person is getting a bit easier to do. Coffee dates are much easier now than they were for most of last year. I feel safer hanging out outside with someone new. Being on a date without a mask is still something I think I’m only ok with if the other person is vaccinated (and most people who are vaccinated are happy to show their vaccination cards to prove it) and there are still not a lot of options to have creative dates. But as things reopen again, there will be more places I can go on dates. And hopefully, just like with so much else, things will continue to feel safer for me and I won’t be as worried about my health.

My life is still not fully back to normal, but in the past month I have been able to have a lot of things back. And I’ve been feeling more calm and relaxed and home, which is having a lot of positive effects. I’m able to sleep better. I’m more focused. I am enjoying silly little things again. I feel like the doom and gloom feeling is still in the background, but it’s not taking over my life. And I needed this happiness back.

Just like with so many other posts where I have written about things being closer to normal, I had no idea how much I needed this until I had it. I knew I wasn’t doing great last year, but I had no clue how bad it had gotten for me until it got better. And I’m trying to stay hopeful that it is only going to continue to get better from now on.

Comments Off on Feeling Normal and Less Anxious (or Sorry I Keep Writing About The Same Thing)

Posted in Fun Stuff

Tagged dating, dinner, friends, fun, normal, online dating, Orangetheory, pandemic

Working On Speaking Up For Myself (or Finding A Balance Between Confident and Bossy)

Posted on April 30, 2021 | Comments Off

I think a lot of women were raised to be polite or demure. We aren’t supposed to make a lot of trouble for people and try to go with the flow. We are called bossy if we do speak up and that’s used as an insult. Men are called assertive and that’s a good thing, but women are bossy and it’s bad. I wasn’t raised to not speak up for myself, but I was raised to be kind and polite. And sometimes being kind and polite means being quiet because speaking up could cause issues. And this is a mindset that I’ve had for a long time even when I wanted to fight it.

A big place this has been a problem for me in the past has been in jobs. I know that having a job isn’t always a given. There are a lot of times that I know I’m lucky to have a job or opportunity and I don’t want to lose it. But this also means that I’ve tolerated a lot of bad workplaces in the past. There’s one job where I was harrassed by my manager, but I never spoke up because I was worried about being fired. I did speak to HR, but they didn’t seem to take it seriously. My manager would call me fat or make fun of my personal life in front of others and I just stayed quiet. There was another job where my boss was verbally abusive to all the employees. I was a receptionist and when I asked for a raise (which was a part of my contract) he screamed at me saying that I was an awful person for not appreciating what I had. The one time that I did speak up a bit was at one job that wanted me to take some continuing education classes and then I found out the only places I could take them that they would be ok with would be through their religious headquarters. But even then, I didn’t speak up that much. I just said that the job wasn’t a good fit for me and not that it was illegal for them to require me to pay for classes from a religious group.

And I think from my posts on here it’s clear that another place I have struggled with speaking up is with dating. I don’t think this one is as gendered, but I do think a lot of women want to be the cool girl who doesn’t push too hard. You don’t want to be the one to bring up where your relationship is going because you don’t want to seem like you are pushing for marriage and scare the guy off. I’m slowly starting to learn that if the guy is the right guy, discussing the tough stuff won’t scare them off. But I still am always worried that I will scare a guy off and for some reason they are the last person who will ever be interested in me. It doesn’t help that I have had some relationships end when I had the “what are we” conversation and another relationship end because a guy claimed he didn’t believe me enough when I said I wasn’t pushing for us to be in a relationship. But I also can look back at those past relationships and realize that even if I didn’t have that conversation, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted for other reasons.

But I’m noticing that I am getting better at speaking up lately.

I’ve spoken up at all of my jobs now to make sure that things are working out for me. I’ve spoken up about asking for a raise when it was in the job offer that one would be coming. I’ve spoken up about my schedule and what would work best for me. And I’ve spoken up about job responsibilities and what seems reasonable.

And with dating, even though it’s still tough to date during the pandemic, it is getting easier as things get safer. And that means I have more chances to speak up and advocate for myself. I’m not pushing hard for anything that feels unreasonable, but I am setting boundaries and expectations. For example, someone from my past reached out to me and I had some hesitation about trying things again with them. They had some issues with being reliable and being an infrequent texter. So I told them that if they wanted to start talking again, it had to be on the phone and not over text. And I’m holding them to that. They still are texting, but I am not responding most of the time. And when I do respond, I say the same thing again about how if they want to talk to me they need to call. I don’t have to just go with what they want when it’s not what I want. And if there is someone that I have talked to that I want to see again, I am getting more comfortable with being very upfront and asking them out again. I’m not waiting on them to ask me out. If I want to see them again, I am clear about that so they know where I stand.

I do still worry that sometimes I seem bossy or demanding, but I’m working through that more and more. And the more that I do speak up for myself and see the positive response I get in return, the more comfortable I feel doing this. I know that it’s not always going to work out for me and I do have stories of where it didn’t work, but more often it either works or opens up the conversation to discuss things more so I can make sure that I’m getting what I want out of life, work, and relationships.

Comments Off on Working On Speaking Up For Myself (or Finding A Balance Between Confident and Bossy)

Posted in Dating, Tough Stuff, Work

Tagged confidence, dating, work

Getting Outside A Little More (or I’m Still Hesitant)

Posted on April 23, 2021 | Comments Off

I am sure I sound like a broken record about talking about how even though I’m vaccinated I’m being very cautious. I’m not going out that much. While I’m doing more than just essential errands and appointments, I’m still not doing that much. I have limited which friends I have seen in person, and when I do see people it tends to be in their home. Even when I see family, we are staying in a home and not going out that much.

And I know doing this is still one of the safer options, but I also know I need to push myself to get out there more. I’m not feeling isolated or pandemic fatigued necessarily. It’s more of my fear of isolating myself unnecessarily when things are safe. It’s hard to feel like it’s ok to go do things that for a year we have been told to do. And it’s hard to find the balance between what are safer risks to take and what is just too much. In some ways, we are lucky here because not everything is open again and they are limiting people so they aren’t too crowded. And everywhere pretty much requires masks unless you are eating or drinking.

I haven’t been to a restaurant yet (although that is actually coming up soon!), and any meals I’ve gotten that I didn’t make myself have either been takeout or delivery. But this past week, I went to a coffee shop and had a coffee in public for the first time in over a year!

I know this doesn’t sound like much, but for me, it was a bit weird and I was worried about things. But I felt like it was a safe way to push myself to be out and about more and feel like I’m easing myself into life again. And fortunately, it wasn’t as weird as I was afraid it would be.

I went to a coffee shop that wasn’t that close to my house because it was for a first date. Going to coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink coffee or alcohol) used to be my go-to first date since it’s casual and easy enough to leave if it is a bad date. Any dating I’ve tried to do in the past year has been tough to find where to meet up with someone, so being able to have a first date like I’m used to was nice. And the coffee shop we went to had a large patio in the back that wasn’t crowded, so we weren’t sitting close to anyone else.

The guy I met was also fully vaccinated, which made me feel a bit better about things too. Since we were sitting there without our masks on for a while, I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about if he might be sick but asymptomatic. And after going on dates where we had to be masked the entire time, it was nice to have a date where I could see his entire face and not feel like I’m not really seeing who he is. I was worried for a little while that it might get more crowded on the patio and that I would feel like I was too close to others and would feel like I needed to wear my mask more, but that didn’t end up happening.

After I got home from my date (which went well, but I don’t have much more to share than that), I realized how nice it was to be out in public with others again without worrying as much as I have over the past year. I’ve said before that the isolation has felt like I was on my own little planet and everyone else was living their lives. But just being at the coffee shop was a nice reminder that I’m a part of the world too. I needed to be a part of the public again. Even when I have friends come over to my house, it still feels a bit isolated. I might not be alone, but we are isolated at home. So going out made me feel like I was a part of the world again.

There are still limited places that I think I’d be open to going to because I need to still be safe and cautious. But just going to this coffee shop reminded me that there are options for places I could go and not feel like I’m taking that much of a risk. It’s not something I will be doing all the time, but it is something I should try to do when I have a chance. Even if I met a friend at a park instead of at my house or theirs might help me feel a bit more involved in the world.

I haven’t built up the skills to figure this out too much. For my entire life until the pandemic, I never had to think about what I could do in public that feels safe. For the past year, I was more focused on how to stay healthy and isolated. I’ve written about how I needed to be more social and to find ways to not isolate as much, but in my head so many of those things didn’t involve too much in public. Now, this is just something else to think about when I’m trying to think of what I can do. And hopefully, I’ll continue to be more comfortable with the few things I’m going to be ok with doing and I keep pushing myself to find the little bits of normalcy that I can get back.

Comments Off on Getting Outside A Little More (or I’m Still Hesitant)

Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff

Tagged dating, fun, isolation, online dating, pandemic

Changing Some Of The Stories In My Book (or Even More Ghost Stories)

Posted on March 10, 2021 | Comments Off

The book I wrote about online dating has been a work in progress for a long time. I’ve written several versions of it over the past few years. And even now that I have the version and style that I want to stick with, I’ve been making edits and changes from time to time.

Most of the time, those changes are due to having new stories to add. For example, I’ve added stories about dating during a pandemic and how to make it happen. I’ve written about how I’ve been doing phone dates, video chat dates, and virtual dates with apps like Netflix Party. And I just had a story to add about the first time I was stood up for a virtual date. I was supposed to watch a movie with a new guy over Netflix Party. But when I went back to the app to message him the link for our movie, he had unmatched with me. While I don’t understand standing someone up at all, this was a new level. All he had to do was watch a movie from home with me, and he couldn’t even do that. But it was fine, I watched the movie on my own that night and it was not a big deal. It was a little annoying, but almost funny how I find new ways I am disappointed by the guys I meet on the apps.

But very rarely, I have an update on a past story that took a new twist.

At the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, I met someone on one of the apps and we started seeing each other. We didn’t go out that many times or for that long (it was under a month), but it still felt very different from other guys I had dated before. There was something comfortable and made me feel at ease when I was out with him. We seemed to be really good intellectual matches for each other. He followed through when he said he’d text me or when we made tentative plans for a date. Neither of us were scared to talk about our feelings and be very open and honest.

I really thought things were going great until he ghosted me.

Being ghosted by this guy hurt a lot. It wasn’t the first time I was ghosted (and I wouldn’t be the last), but there was something about him that made it hard for me to believe that he would be someone who would ghost. He had been so open about things before that I thought if he didn’t want to see me again, he would be open and just tell me. It didn’t help that not long after he ghosted me, the pandemic started. He was the last guy I dated before the pandemic. And when I wrote his story in my book, a lot of it was about how he ghosted me and how it hurt differently from other times I was ghosted.

But then the other day, he and I matched again on an app. I was a little shocked to match with him. I had swiped right almost out of curiosity, not expecting he would swipe right on me as well. We matched on an app where either of us could start the conversation, and I decided to wait to see if he would message me. I wondered if it was a mistake. Maybe he swiped right on everyone and then looked at his matches to be more selective (there are plenty of people who do that). But to my surprise, he messaged me pretty soon after we matched.

And he did refer to our brief past and how it was nice to see me again. So we messaged back and forth a bit before I decided to be a bit bold. I asked him if he was messaging with me just to chat or if he was interested in me again. I honestly didn’t know. And he said he was interested and asked me how I felt. I said that we had a lot to talk about, but it would be good to see him again. So we made plans to see each other the next day.

It was a bit weird to see him again. I never expected to see him again after he ghosted me, but I always told myself that I wanted to confront him if I did. I know that people say that being ghosted has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person who is the ghoster. But it’s hard to believe that at times. So I wanted to ask him why he did it. I didn’t necessarily care as much as why he didn’t want to see me again, but I wanted to know why he chose ghosting as the method.

We had some small talk when we saw each other. It was a little awkward. I could feel the elephant in the room and decided to be gutsy again and just ask. So I did. And I was blunt about it. I didn’t hold back in my question or act coy. I flat out asked, “Why did you decide that ghosting me was the best method to end things with me a year ago?”. And I wasn’t expecting a real answer from him, but I did kind of get one. Without revealing too much about what he said, he realized he wasn’t over a past relationship and tried to work on that. And then the pandemic hit so dating took a backseat. I still think he could have texted me to say something, but I also understand a bit. While this doesn’t excuse his behavior, it does explain it.

And we had a really nice time seeing each other again. We still seem to click the way we did a year ago. It seemed like we were both being honest and open with each other. And we both said that we would like to try seeing each other again. So I was hopeful that I could turn the story I had written about him into a more positive thing.

But because the plot twists never seem to end with me, it looks like he has ghosted me again. I’m still hoping maybe he will reach out and explain himself, but it’s almost been a week. No matter how busy you are, you can at least manage a simple text saying that things are busy and you can’t really respond right now. Not communicating at all isn’t something that I’m ok with or comfortable with. And if he does reach out to me again, that’s something that will have to be discussed. But I’m not expecting to hear from him again. I guess ghosting might just be his thing and not a random occurrence when it happened a year ago.

I don’t like that I sound so pessimistic, but at the same time, I don’t want to date someone that I feel so unsure about or that I have to chase down or wonder if they will contact me. I know that there could be a valid reason why this happened, but unless he tells me, I will never know. Maybe in another year, he will reach out again and try to explain himself. At least this time, I feel like I got some closure from the past ghosting, and this time it doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t want to say that I expected it, but it wasn’t as shocking.

So it’s back to the apps for more swiping and matching. And while I’d love to say that I won’t be ghosted again, I know that might not be true. But one day, I’ll find the guy who I click with, feel like I’m a good match with, who follows through, and won’t ghost me.

Comments Off on Changing Some Of The Stories In My Book (or Even More Ghost Stories)

Posted in Dating

Tagged dating, online dating

Tag Archives: dating

Dating App Patterns (or Losing Hope But Trying To Stay Hopeful)

Like this:

Sometimes I Have To Be The Bad Guy (or At Least This Isn’t Really About Pandemic Dating)

Like this:

Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different)

Like this:

Dating App Whirlwind (or I’m Glad I Only Wasted 15 Minutes)

Like this:

Believing I’m Worthy Of Effort (or Still Learning More While Dating)

Like this:

Trying A New Type Of Virtual Date (or Having A Trivia Night)

Like this:

Feeling Normal and Less Anxious (or Sorry I Keep Writing About The Same Thing)

Like this:

Working On Speaking Up For Myself (or Finding A Balance Between Confident and Bossy)

Like this:

Getting Outside A Little More (or I’m Still Hesitant)

Like this:

Changing Some Of The Stories In My Book (or Even More Ghost Stories)

Like this:

Follow me on Twitter

Like Me On Facebook

Follow Me On Instagram

thejenlevin

Recent Posts

Archives

Tag Archives: dating

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Share this:

Like this:

You Might Also Like

Connect With Me!

Subscribe To Finding My Inner Bombshell!

Follow me on Twitter

Follow Me On Instagram

thejenlevin

Recent Posts

Archives