Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Really Being Grateful (or I’m Lucky To Have Support)

Posted on November 5, 2021 | Comments Off on Really Being Grateful (or I’m Lucky To Have Support)

While I am a pretty independent person in a lot of ways, in many ways I need to have support. Sometimes that is emotional support and sometimes that is something concrete like financial support. And even while I’ve had a lot of time being isolated for a while, having support and help has really been essential for me.

I am very lucky that I have a lot of friends that I can reach out to when I need help with something. Not all of my friends are able to help with everything, but I have different friends who can help with different things. Some friends are good for helping me figure out a serious situation. Other friends are good for supporting me when I’m really low and need a boost. I have a lot of friends who are great to turn to when I have something annoying happen with me in the dating world and can either give advice or laugh at the ridiculousness that I encounter. Honestly, my friends keep me sane when I feel like some things are out of control. Most of them don’t live near me, but knowing I could text or call someone at any time is reassuring.

And even if I just need a friend to listen to me while I rant and talk something out, that can make a huge difference when I’m having a tough time. Sometimes I just need to say things out loud and know someone is listening to figure out what I want to do. And I’ve learned since the pandemic that I also sometimes just need a reminder that I’m not on my own planet all alone and there are other people around me even if they aren’t in the exact same space as me. I do prefer to hang out with friends in person, but this time has taught me how to find support in other ways and I know that I wasn’t using those skills before.

But for some of the more concrete support I get, I rely on my parents a lot. And I’m aware that I am coming from a place of privilege and this is not something that everyone has. But I am so grateful for all the support they have given to me lately. With the condo search, while they were not able to look at most places with me, they still helped a lot. My mom made sure she was available on FaceTime if I wanted her to see a place that I was looking at. Once we started to do paperwork, they helped me understand a lot of what I was signing (my realtor helped too, but I also didn’t want to bother him with all of my questions). And now that we are planning potential renovations, my mom is helping me plan what I want to do and interviewing contractors.

Honestly, if I was doing this without my parents’ help, I think it would be impossible. Even taking out the financial aspect of it, I have no clue what I’m doing. I’ve only been a renter and even finding a new rental hasn’t been something I always do alone. But with buying a place, there are a million more things to think about and plan for. And if I didn’t have help from my parents, I can see so many ways things could go wrong or that I could make a mistake. Even planning for things like property taxes isn’t something I fully understood. I knew enough to know they happen, but planning for the timeline for the payments and the options for payment aren’t things I thought about before. There are some things that I know I’m doing in a slightly more complicated way than other friends who have bought property, but there are reasons that this will work out better for me in the long run. So I know I could have done this in an easier way, but it might not have been the best way for me.

For all of the times since March 2020 that I have been upset that I feel so alone and isolated, I don’t know if I appreciated the support that I do have. While most people didn’t have the same type of isolation that I had with no physical contact with other people for months at a time, there are people who had total isolation who didn’t have the support that I was lucky enough to have. And I need to remember how lucky I am. It’s not always easy to remember that when things are so low, but I’m getting back into a better time where I can reflect on the positives that I do have in my life. And when I think about it, the luckier I realize I am.

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More Health Work (or An Afternoon Of Dealing With Needles)

Posted on October 27, 2021 | Comments Off on More Health Work (or An Afternoon Of Dealing With Needles)

I’ve been slowly catching up on the health things I didn’t do last year when things were a lot scarier with the pandemic. It’s a process to catch up, but I think I finally am seeing the end of what I need to do. And some of the things that were on my catch-up list were things that I put off for a bit so I could combine appointments. I especially wanted to do that when it came to doing blood work.

I knew I would need to have my blood drawn now so I could get my liver MRI (they have to check kidney function before an MRI since I have to be able to process the contrast they use without issues). But when I went in for my regular check-up recently, my doctor mentioned that I hadn’t done just the regular check-up blood work in several years. In fact, the last time I did it was right before my liver tumors were found. The blood work showed something wrong with my liver and I was about to do another blood draw when the tumors were found and we realized that was the reason. So along with some of the specific blood work I needed, she added in all the regular tests too.

I put off doing my blood draw until I knew I needed to do my kidney function test. There’s no point in me doing those on different days. And I also figured I might as well get my flu shot and torture myself with more needles (I couldn’t get my Covid booster at that time, or I might have done that too). And I did it on a day that I knew I’d have lots of time since I never know how I will react to needles. I’ve been doing better lately, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t faint in the future.

Fortunately, when I went, the hospital was pretty empty so I didn’t have to wait a long time to get my blood drawn. Unfortunately, between all the blood work I needed to have done, I needed 6 vials to be drawn. That’s just a long time to make sure I don’t faint. I got very lightheaded and I was worried a few times I was about to pass out, but I made it through. But I must have looked horrible because the doctor who did my blood draw didn’t want me to leave right away and asked if I needed to be seen by anyone. I knew I’d be fine (plus if I had doctors come to look at me, it was probably going to be expensive and take several hours). But I waited about 10 minutes before I left so he knew I’d be ok.

After that, I had to go to urgent care to get my flu shot because the tent they do flu shots in was already closed that day (I didn’t think about it having reduced hours on the weekend). But that was pretty quick too since they were able to get me into a room within a few minutes. That went a bit better than the blood work and I didn’t have any moments I felt like I was going to faint. I just had to deal with the reaction I usually get from flu shots (just feeling a bit run down and a sore arm, but it’s worth it).

Spending my day doing work with needles isn’t my ideal way to spend a day off, but I needed to do this. And I’m glad I did because almost all my blood work has improved since the last time I got it done! There are a few things that are a little out of the ideal range, but they were out of the range in the past and I’m much closer to normal now. There’s nothing in my blood work showing I’m at a higher risk for anything. I know some people might assume I’m pre-diabetic or have high cholesterol, but both are in the normal range and everything seems to show that I am healthy! Even though I was pretty certain that would be the case, it’s nice to have real concrete proof of that too.

Now I just have 2 more things involving needles that I know I need to do: get the IV for my MRI and get my booster shot. And I hope both of those go as smoothly as this all did.

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Really Trying To Stay Calm (or Things Just Piled Up This Week)

Posted on October 8, 2021 | Comments Off on Really Trying To Stay Calm (or Things Just Piled Up This Week)

This week has been a really rough week for me. I was prepared for feeling awful this week, but I wasn’t really prepared for much more than that. But it seems like this week, everything just decided to make life more stressful.

Not counting having Instagram being down while I was trying to work, this week has been exceptionally stressful at work. There is someone new being trained, so things won’t be dependent on me as much. But right now, I’m working full time and I’m pretty much the only one covering the work that 2 of us used to cover. And there have been a few extra things that needed to be done this week that aren’t normal tasks. So I had to cover my usual work plus the extra stuff. And since this wasn’t a part of my normal work, I didn’t have a great way to be efficient. I needed to pull data from different places, and I’m sure there was a way to do it faster than I did. But I didn’t want to waste time trying to figure that out. So I just did it the way that made sense.

And feeling bad this week was expected, but it’s also always really rough on me. I never know how I will feel or how I will react to my medications. This time they are working better than most times, but I still just have this general feeling of uneasiness and sickness. I’m glad I don’t feel really horrible and spend a lot of time in pain, but it’s weird to feel just bad enough that I don’t want to do a lot of things but not so bad that I feel like I need to relax. It’s a weird middle ground. I also am dealing with a lot of hip pain this week (I think it’s due to the weather), and that just makes it even harder on me. I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself and not feel like I should do more just because I’m not feeling as bad as I expected, but I still keep putting pressure on myself that I should be getting things done.

And going along with the idea that I should be doing more and getting stuff done, I am stress about the idea of moving soon. I have lived in my house for so long and I have a lot of stuff I’ve collected. I have stuff stored in my garage that I don’t use and either need to sell, give it away, or throw it out. I’m slowly working through things and seeing what I need to have a plan to do. And of course, it’s never as simple as it sounds. For example, I can’t get into my garage as the door broke. I know my landlord will come to fix it, but when I had set aside time to work on it I wish I could have done what I planned.

All of these things are manageable and I know they aren’t things I need to add extra stress about. But it seems like the more stressful things in my life, the more stress each thing has. And this week, my stress management is really being tested with having so much happening. But maybe this means that soon I’ll have a nice break from stress in my life.

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Another 20 Year Mark (or Some Thoughts On The Idea Of #NeverForget)

Posted on September 14, 2021 | Comments Off on Another 20 Year Mark (or Some Thoughts On The Idea Of #NeverForget)

This past weekend marked 20 years since 9/11. I’ve written before about what 9/11 was like for me. It was the beginning of college and I was asleep during most of the attack. I was woken up and told if I had family on the east coast they might all be dead. I’m very lucky that all of my family was safe, but that day marked the end of one part of my life and the start of another. I thought going to college was how I would think of my time growing up versus my time as an adult. But it was the 9/11 attacks. That marks the end of the innocence of growing up for me and so many people.

In some ways, it feels like it was a lifetime ago. In other ways, it feels like I was just learning the news and that very little time has passed. But as each year passed, it seemed like things were being remembered differently. And this year, I heard a lot of people talking about how the idea of #NeverForget has been lost in the recent past. At first, I didn’t understand it because it seemed like there was so much in the news and online about how it’s been 20 years. And then I saw someone in a video explain it in a way that really hit me.

There was so much loss on 9/11, but there were also so many acts of heroism. So many people ran into buildings to try to save others only to lose their lives. People came together to do whatever they could to help people and didn’t hesitate about it. And the passengers on Flight 93 voted and decided to do whatever it took to make sure that no other buildings were hit.

Those passengers knew through phone calls with others on the ground about what had happened in New York and DC. They knew the plane was going to be used as another target and it was suspected at the time that it would be either the White House or the Capitol. And they voted and made the decision that they would not let that happen, even if that meant crashing the plane into the ground. From what some of the phone call records say, it does look like they were hoping they would be able to land the plane. But I also think they knew that it would be difficult to land and their main goal was to protect democracy by protecting the buildings. And they made the ultimate sacrifice to do just that.

While I knew what those passengers did was heroic and that they saved so many people, I never thought about the idea of saving democracy as a part of what they did. And after this past January with such a severe attack on democracy, I wonder how many other people remember what the passengers on Flight 93 sacrificed their lives for. And that’s the exact same thing this person online said too. If we are saying to #NeverForget, shouldn’t we also remember and respect what those passengers gave their lives to save for the rest of us? Shouldn’t we think about how they did whatever it took to save other Americans and shouldn’t we honor their lives by doing the same instead of complaining about wearing masks and getting vaccines? How are we remembering and honoring them if we are not honoring what they saved?

I really never thought about it that way, but it’s so true. So many ordinary people did extraordinary things in order to preserve what we have built this country upon. They knew the power of what they were trying to save and how coming together that they could do something that seemed impossible. And right now, it feels like so many in this country are doing the opposite. And to me, that feels like we are forgetting and not remembering.

I thought a lot about this idea on the anniversary of 9/11. I thought of what we should be doing to remember the heroes and the lives lost that day. I wish that we would be acting more like how this country was acting 20 years ago when we came together and did what we had to do to protect each other. I wish that we weren’t as divided as a country right now when we know we can be unified. I wish that more people thought about how to make sure we remember what that day meant and not just what happened. I am guilty of not remembering what it meant. While I have never forgotten that day 20 years ago, I don’t know if I really remembered it either. But I made sure to do that this year and I will work hard to do that from now on.

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Short Weeks Can Feel Really Long (or I’m Glad It’s Almost The Weekend)

Posted on September 10, 2021 | Comments Off on Short Weeks Can Feel Really Long (or I’m Glad It’s Almost The Weekend)

For a while, whenever there was a holiday on a Monday I would joke how it didn’t feel like a holiday week for me. My box office job is Tuesday-Saturday, so having a Monday off is normal for me and nothing special. I used to not be a huge fan of Monday holidays because the things I would normally do on Mondays would be much more crowded with everyone else having the day off too. But I also knew that was just how things worked for me. And in some way, having Mondays always off allowed me to have a pretty regular schedule even when there is a holiday. And I do like routine in my life when I can have it.

I do still work that job Tuesday-Saturday, but I have my other customer service job Monday-Friday so Mondays off do now give me an extra day off. And I did take advantage of that time off this past week when my parents were visiting me. Because we were busy all weekend, it didn’t feel like the usual time off, but I did enjoy having more time to be with family.

So it should seem like this week would feel short since I had an extra day off. But this week was also a week filled with dealing with pain and nausea. So each day seemed to drag on and take a long time. Having a 4 day work week ended up feeling like a 7 day work week. I hate feeling awful like I’ve been feeling this week and I hate that it makes time drag on so much longer.

But I’ve been trying to do things this week to try to make time go by a little faster. I’ve been focusing on doing what I can to feel better and staying on top of taking medications that help and doing other things that can make my symptoms not as extreme. I’ve been making sure I schedule time to relax each day and if relaxing means just laying in bed then I will do that. I haven’t been planning much outside of work and my workouts because I never know how I will feel each day. And I’ve been trying to keep my weekend pretty open for the same reason. I know I will have more time to take care of myself over the weekend and I’m looking forward to that. And maybe within the next few days, my pain and nausea will decrease. Sometimes when it’s really bad at the beginning it gets better before I expect it to be over.

I know that I should be grateful for the work that I have and having any time off from work, but sometimes I feel like any change in my schedule throws off my week. I think the combination of the weird week and how I feel just made this week seem really bad for me. But my plan is to work on resetting as much as I can over the weekend and hopefully I will go into next week feeling better and ready to get back to a regular and full work week.

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I Got To Practice My Monthly Challenge Early This Month (or Still Working On Not Worrying About Job Things)

Posted on September 3, 2021 | Comments Off on I Got To Practice My Monthly Challenge Early This Month (or Still Working On Not Worrying About Job Things)

When I set my monthly challenge this month to be about not thinking too much in the future about things that may go wrong or right in my life, I assumed a lot of what I would be using that for would be related to things I already know are going on. I didn’t want to stress about moving. I didn’t want to worry more about the pandemic. I didn’t want to overthink dating. But because my life is like this, I had an unexpected curveball right at the start of the month!

Things at my customer service job have been crazy lately, but most of the crazy has been good. I’ve been working more hours, taking on more responsibilities, and helping with projects that will help the company continue to grow. But whenever things change in a job, mistakes can be made too. And while I haven’t made any really bad mistakes, there have been things that weren’t communicated as clearly as they could have or procedures that are in the process of being changed and it’s unclear what is supposed to be done now.

So on Wednesday, my manager asked me if I could have a Zoom call with her the next day (which was yesterday). There weren’t any specifics on why we were having the call, so my brain went to all the horrible things it could be. Because of my work history, I am always terrified that I’m about to be fired. I know that’s now what would be happening this time (right after this meeting was set up I was invited to 2 other meetings that are for my entire department). But I couldn’t stop thinking about all the negatives that it could be. I hate that that’s how I think and that’s exactly why I set my challenge to be this for September.

So for the time between knowing about my meeting and when it started, I really worked on focusing on what I did know and what was not speculation. And I went into my meeting a bit nervous, but not nearly as stressed as I might have been if I wasn’t working on not overthinking the future.

And of course the meeting wasn’t a bad thing. There were some communication things to work out so we had a better line of communication when discussing clients so there wouldn’t as many back and forth emails and texts. And we clarified some things that led to the miscommunication that both of us weren’t able to realize in written communication. Those things needed to be worked out and will only make work better for me going forward.

And then we started to discuss things that aren’t happening yet that we might want to change. I can’t go into too many details about it, but we discussed how to manage client communication better so anyone could help clients without needing access to as many things as we have right now. Also, how to make sure all new clients have everything they need in order to understand the company. Some of this would be about what my role might be like in the future, which is good to hear when I was worried earlier that I had done something really wrong and wondered if I was going to lose my job.

I’ve said this so many times before, but I wonder when I will stop worrying that I will be losing my job every time I have a meeting about something. I’ve gone a significant portion of my life since I have had that happen to me. And I haven’t had any quick turnaround with jobs like I did the year that things were the worst for me. I’ve been with my customer service job for about 9 months, and that’s the shortest time of any of my jobs right now. I’ve been working with my box office job for 7 years already! But I still have this stupid irrational fear of being fired for no reason.

Maybe because I am purposely working on fixing this way of thinking, things will be better for me in the future. At least now I know that some of the tools I wanted to use to test this challenge do work because this wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Just like when I set my monthly challenge, I guess I’ll see in a month how I feel. But I got a little idea now of what it could be like.

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A New Reason To Do Big Cleaning Projects (or Putting Other Projects On Hold For Now)

Posted on September 2, 2021 | Comments Off on A New Reason To Do Big Cleaning Projects (or Putting Other Projects On Hold For Now)

Over the past year and a half, I feel like I’ve done a lot of projects around my house. Sometimes I was doing them because I was getting bored while I was out of work and sometimes I was doing them because they were things I was bothered by in my house and I knew that with a small project I could fix it. And my project list seemed like it never ended because there were always little improvements I’d like to make. But because of budget, I often have to just keep them on the list and not actually do them.

But there have been a few projects lately that I was starting to get ready to do and I was doing some comparison shopping online to figure out the best thing for me. But as soon as I found out that my place was being sold, I put a stop to all the projects on my list. I know that I’m not moving out right now or even in the next month or two, but I don’t want to do improvements around my place if I’m going to be moving soon. A lot of these things would be removing something that I would have to put back when I eventually move out, such as finding a new curved shower curtain rod so things didn’t feel as cramped in my shower or bathroom. I don’t want to do things that I might have put back again soon when they aren’t urgent projects to do. And other things on the list were about buying things to fit into a specific space, mainly to provide more storage for me. But because this might not be my space that much longer, I don’t want to spend money on something that might not fit into whatever place I move into next.

All the projects I had planned were taken off my list and one big one was added on. I need to do a big clean of my stuff in my house. I used to joke about how annoying it will be when I eventually move out because I have collected so much stuff and I know that I don’t need to move it all with me. Well, that time is upon me, and now is the time to start working on seeing what I really have and what I really need. And a lot of this is stuff that I know I’ve needed to do and have just put off. For example, my filing cabinets have things that I really don’t need anymore but it’s easy enough to keep since they are in a folder. But when I will have to take that folder into a new place, I don’t know if I’ll want everything in there. Same with stuff in my closet. I know I have shoes and bags that I don’t use and there is no point in me eventually moving stuff that I don’t have a use for.

I’m glad that I will probably have a while before I’m moving because I know cleaning out a lot of stuff will take more than an afternoon or a weekend. I really need to evaluate what I have and what I use and make sure that when I move I only move things that I want to have with me, not stuff that I feel like I should keep for one reason or another.

I have made cleaning different parts of my house monthly challenges from time to time. And while I haven’t always succeeded at those challenges, I have always made at least a dent in what I was hoping to do. But now, I have a new motivation to get this done because I know when I start packing up my place it will be easier if I’m not sorting and cleaning then. Getting it out of the way now when I’m not stressing about a lot of other things will be best for me. And allowing myself lots of time to go through things will be good too. And maybe this will stress me out a bit, but I know I have to do it. And I know I will feel much better about things once I know I’ve removed things I’ve been holding on to just because it was easy to do that.

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Planning Ahead Even If It’s Stressful (or I Might Be Moving)

Posted on August 27, 2021 | Comments Off on Planning Ahead Even If It’s Stressful (or I Might Be Moving)

With all the craziness of this past year, there are a few things that have been steady and stable in my life. And I was so grateful for those few things because I needed to feel some normalcy and consistency in the world. I do like having routine and not changing too much, but I also know sometimes change is good. But when I have something that makes me happy, I stick to that as long as I can.

And one of the stable things that has made me happy for a long time is where I live. I’ve been in my house for about 11 1/2 years now. It’s not perfect and there are things that I would change if I could, but it’s pretty amazing. I have my own space, I don’t share walls with anyone, it’s safe, and even though it might not have everything I want it does have everything I need. And most importantly for me, it’s very affordable. Living somewhere this long and in a rent-stabilized building has the advantage of the price not being able to increase that much each year. And rent-stabilized buildings also have extra protections from evictions (so landlords can’t just kick you out to raise the rent for a future tenant without a lot of hurdles).

And while I have been in other apartments before, I think this is the first place that really felt like home to me. My first apartment was when I was in college and it never really felt like home. It felt a bit like another dorm room to me. I also lived alone then and hated it, so that didn’t help. My second apartment felt a bit more like a home to me, but I shared it with a series of roomates and whenever I had to find someone else for the other room, it made my apartment feel less like it was mine. My current place has been the place I have lived the longest (except for my childhood home) and the first place that I made decor choices that took a bit more effort like putting up shelving or curtain rods. I have made this place my home and I really am happy here.

But the other day, I got a call from my landlord seeing if I’d be home next week. They are selling and their realtor needs to come in so they can make a digital floorplan. I let my landlord know that I’d be home and ended the call. And my mind started running a million miles an hour. I know that selling a building to a new owner isn’t rare, but I think we are in a unique situation. A new owner could keep things the way they are, but I really don’t think they would. There is a lot of space that could be used to build a building with double or triple the apartments. And even if they weren’t going to build a new building, I bet a new owner would want us to leave because they could get a lot more in rent. It still wouldn’t be easy to get rid of us, but it’s possible to do if they wanted to. And I really don’t question that is what will happen.

Of course, I’m thinking way ahead right now. It’s not even listed yet. I have no clue how long it will take to sell. After it sells, we can’t be kicked out right away. There will be at least a few months before that could happen, and that is if it happens. Maybe I’m wrong and nothing will change, but I can’t just think that and hope everything will be ok. So even though it does stress me out to think about moving, I’m trying to plan ahead. I know it won’t be fun to move, but it’s not the worst thing to have to do. I think I’m more stressed about finding a new place. There are a lot of ideas I’m trying to figure out for my next place, so I don’t have a lot planned. I just know I want to stay as close to my current neighborhood as possible. And I need to make sure that I don’t offset making more money right now with a huge increase in my monthly cost.

I’m glad I am starting to plan now so I don’t have to do everything last minute. That’s what I had to do when I moved the last time and I know how lucky I am that I found my current place. But I can’t believe I will necessarily have the same luck again. I have the luxury of having time now and I’m going to take advantage of that so I make sure my next move is the right one and I don’t have to settle for a place that doesn’t feel right to me.

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Default ThumbnailPlanning Way Too Far Ahead (or I Want It Now) Default ThumbnailA Free Weekday (or Planning Ahead For Fun Things) Default ThumbnailA House Anniversary (or A Decade In One Place) Default ThumbnailTrying To Plan Ahead (or Hopefully Things Will Normalize Soon) Default ThumbnailEnjoying The Now (or Not Trying To Skip Ahead To The Good Parts) Default ThumbnailFirst Weekend Of Freedom (or Looking Back Before Moving Forward)

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I Really Hate Panic Attacks (or At Least This Went Better Than Expected)

Posted on August 26, 2021 | Comments Off on I Really Hate Panic Attacks (or At Least This Went Better Than Expected)

Considering my history of panic attacks, I’ve been doing much better lately than when compared to the past. I don’t medicate myself anymore for panic attacks, which is a huge thing to me. And almost all my attacks are during predictable moments. I have noticed that new things do sometimes cause them, but then those become predictable too. For example, wearing a mask makes me feel claustrophobic at times and then that brings on a panic attack. I’ve been working on figuring out a good mask that won’t cause this, but so far it’s been tough. But it won’t stop me from wearing a mask.

One of the most common reasons I have panic attacks is when I have to go to the dentist. This has been an issue for me for almost all of my adult life (maybe as a kid too, but I don’t recall having bad panic attacks as a kid). I know going into my appointments that I will likely have a panic attack, and I do what I can to prepare for them. And I do work hard with all dental stuff I can do at home to make my appointments easier. Unfortunately, since I have genetically bad teeth, doing everything right doesn’t always mean that I won’t get bad news when I go in for a cleaning. But I at least do my part to make these appointments as stress-free as possible.

But even with doing everything I can, sometimes I just have a bad panic attack. And that’s what happened this week. I wasn’t doing that bad before my appointment. I didn’t have nightmares the same way that I usually do and my heart wasn’t racing my entire drive there. But as soon as I got out of my car, the panic hit me like a wave. It was a pretty big attack and I took some time trying to calm my breathing down and stop sweating before going into my appointment. But I still wasn’t doing that great when I walked in. I’m sure I looked horrible, but fortunately, the dentist understands that I can’t control my panic attacks and she really does try to work with me.

She made the appointment as easy as she could. She immediately checked my teeth to confirm I didn’t need any fillings or any other major dental work. Knowing that normally stops my attack, but this time it only brought it down a bit. I was still shaking and struggling to breathe normally. So my dentist tried to work as quickly as she could while not rushing and missing things. And she used some topical numbing gel to make sure I don’t have any pain while she was working quickly. I don’t usually have pain at my appointments, but I’m glad she was trying to make things better. And for the most part, my appointment went quickly except when they had to fix one piece of equipment in the middle that wasn’t working the way it should.

When I left my appointment, I was a bit annoyed with myself. I hate that something that isn’t a big deal can cause such big panic attacks. I hate that this attack was so bad when it hasn’t been like this for a long time. I know it’s not my fault that this happens to me, but I still blame myself. I know that sometimes I don’t have much of an attack before or during an appointment, so maybe the next time will be better. Or it might be like this appointment or worse. I really never know until it happens and I just have to get through it. I know there’s nothing wrong with having panic attacks or anything to be embarrassed about. But it’s still something I hate about myself.

But at least even with the bad panic attack this time, my appointment went well and I was back in my car headed home in under an hour. And I don’t have to worry about going in again for another cleaning for 4 more months.

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Default ThumbnailOne Bad Hour (or Hating Panic Attacks And My Gallbladder) Default ThumbnailLess Panic At The Dentist (or Am I Finally Over This?) Default ThumbnailAnother Dentist Visit (or Panicking About Panicking) Default ThumbnailAn Outing To The Dentist (or Doubling Up On The Panic) Default ThumbnailSurviving The Dentist (or Testing My Panic Meds) Default ThumbnailAn Interesting Plane Flight (or A Return Of My Panic Attacks)

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Having A Bit Of Writer’s Block (or I Really Thought More Might Happen This Week)

Posted on August 13, 2021 | Comments Off on Having A Bit Of Writer’s Block (or I Really Thought More Might Happen This Week)

I’ve started and stopped working on this post so many times. I always want to write about interesting things on here, but I don’t always have interesting things happening in my life. And for about a year and a half now, my life really has had fewer interesting things than normal.

And I will never regret staying home to stay safe and healthy. I know that I’m doing my part to try to bring this pandemic to an end. It’s really tough to feel ok all the time about doing this because I’ve been doing the right things for so long and I see people I know going out and living their lives. I wish I could do that, but I will never forgive myself if I got sick or got someone else sick. So I just have to be ok with staying home most of the time and being bored.

And when I’m bored, I usually hit writer’s block. And that’s what happened to me this week. It wasn’t just that I was staying home and not going out, I doubled my work hours this week so I didn’t even make plans for anything after work. I wanted to give myself time to adjust to the new schedule without other things making me busier. So except for leaving my house for errands or my workouts, nothing has really happened this week. So I don’t have anything to write about.

I thought this week might be more interesting because of my birthday, but I didn’t really do much for my birthday. And I’m ok with that, but it also still makes me sad because I had really high hopes that things would be normal by now and I could celebrate my birthday with all of my friends. But that’s going to have to wait for another time.

For now, I’m living a pretty boring and routine life and dealing with writer’s block. But I also know that this time will be a blip in my life and I’ll be back to enjoying life outside of my house again soon. It might feel far away now, but I know that when I’m looking back at this time it won’t feel as endless as it feels now.

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Default ThumbnailHitting Some Writer’s Block (or This Is What I Thought Would Happen) Default ThumbnailBeing Ok With Being Bored (or This Is Harder Than I Thought) Default ThumbnailI Keep Hitting Little Moments Of Writer’s Block (or Not Sure What To Say) Default ThumbnailThe Week That Didn’t Happen (or Last Week Was A Mini 2020) Default ThumbnailWhat Will Happen In A Week (or Why I’m Excited And Scared To Go Home) Default ThumbnailAnother Downside To My Bad Week (or Just Doing Nothing)

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