Category Archives: Tough Stuff

This Doesn’t Feel Like Almost The End Of The Year (or Time Feels Frozen)

Posted on December 18, 2020 | Comments Off on This Doesn’t Feel Like Almost The End Of The Year (or Time Feels Frozen)

I was working on my planning for what blog posts I want to write in the near future, and it almost shocked me how close we are to the end of the year. This year has been the weirdest one of my life for sure. It has felt endless and like we have been stuck on the same day. I’ve said how this feels like the year that never happened, and that feeling still describes how I think about 2020.

I’ve had some moments of feeling low and like I almost lost a year of my life since I couldn’t do much. I’ve said how I feel like I have nothing that could be an accomplishment or an achievement this year. I know that isn’t true, but it’s hard not to feel like that. If someone asked me what I did in August, I honestly don’t know if I could share something productive that I did. I know that staying home and staying safe is a big accomplishment and something to be proud of, but it’s hard when I am very goal-focused and my goals have been not what I would expect them to be.

Even my monthly challenges have been tough for me. So many of them have been about just dealing with what we are all going through. I want to make the challenges about doing something that I can be proud of or feel like I have bettered my life in some way. Again, just like with general goals, I know that challenging myself to be ok with staying home and not being around others was likely the most important thing I have done. But it’s hard to celebrate avoiding things or a lack of progress even though that is what was best for me.

I know I’m not alone in my feelings. Many people have said similar things about this year not counting. Funny enough, as I was writing this post, I was listening to a podcast and they joked that none of our birthdays should have counted this year because it was a year we couldn’t really go out and live. I feel like once we can be together again, so many of us will share how we felt this past year and we will feel better about our own feelings. It’s not easy to not feel alone when you aren’t really able to share with others.

I’m continuing to try to be gentle with myself with what I’m doing these days. I will still do a recap of my year on here and cover the goals I had because it is important to recognize what I was able to do even under these circumstances. And I’m trying to focus on what goals I can set for next year. I am cautious about my goals for next year because I don’t know when I will be able to do things again. Even after I get the vaccine, I don’t know if it will be totally safe to be out and about. And who knows when different things will finally start reopening. But I can still set goals for myself that are somewhat under my control. And having a few goals that I might not be able to do because of the pandemic isn’t the worst thing. I will have to remind myself that not everything can be controlled and not reaching a goal isn’t a sign of failure. I am doing the best that I can and I have to be ok with that.

I don’t know when it will feel like it’s the end of the year. It might not. It might not even feel like a new year is here when it’s January. But eventually, I know it will feel like time is moving forward again. And I will appreciate that feeling even more when it’s back.

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Default ThumbnailA New Year Of Workouts (or Finally Starting To Feel Like Myself Again) Default ThumbnailFeeling Weird About Blogging Other Stuff (or Posting Silly Posts Just Feels Wrong) Default ThumbnailLooking Back At 2013 (or Where Did The Year Go?) Default Thumbnail5K Update (or Why It’s Not A Goal For This Year) Default ThumbnailOne More Mid-Year Check-In (or Preparing For The Second Half Of The Year At Orangetheory) Default ThumbnailUnder 90 Days Left In The Year (or Doing A Bit Of Reflecting)

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Having My Story Out There (or Welcome To Any New Readers!)

Posted on December 15, 2020 | Comments Off on Having My Story Out There (or Welcome To Any New Readers!)

Back in July, I wrote a post about how I was a guest on a new podcast. I was invited to be on Brianne Davis-Gantt’s Secret Life Podcast. It was a podcast that hadn’t come out yet, but I heard about it through Brianne’s husband. He had posted about the new podcast and invited anyone who has a secret in their life to submit their story. Even though my eating disorder isn’t really a secret anymore, it was a big secret in my life for a long time. And I know that it is a secret for so many people.

I had the best time recording this podcast episode over the summer. Brianne was wonderful and she made me feel so at ease. This was the first time we had met, but she was so open and friendly and it felt like I was just sharing my story with a friend. I didn’t feel judged at all, which is so important when sharing a secret. And I felt like we had an amazing conversation.

We did discuss this blog a bit (which is why I might have some new readers) and how I originally wasn’t going to write about my eating disorder on here. Before starting this blog, I had another one that was going to be anonymous where I thought I could be open and honest about what was happening. But by hiding who I was, I wasn’t being open. And that was a big reason why my first blog failed. And with this blog, I wasn’t going to share that part of my life because I was terrified about how people would react. But sharing my story on here was the best decision I made for myself and it has only benefitted me. I have received a little negativity after sharing my story, but it has been so out there that it hasn’t bothered me (like someone blaming my eating disorder on not praying every day). Sharing has been such a good thing and I’m so grateful that I had another chance to do it.

I will admit, I was a little nervous between recording the episode and it when it was released. Mainly, I was nervous that I sounded dumb or said something I didn’t mean the way it sounded. I’m aware that I can sound dingy at times, and my vocal inflections don’t help that. But I hoped that I sounded the way I wanted to. And even though I felt pretty certain that the reaction to the episode would be positive, you never know. But it’s only been out for a day, and it’s already getting good feedback! And I am so happy about that!

And I would love for you all to listen to it as well! I hope that you find that it’s a slightly different take from how I share about my eating disorder here. And I highly recommend subscribing to the Secret Life Podcast and listening to the other episodes. I have been subscribed since the beginning and every episode has been incredible. I almost don’t feel worthy to have my story on there because I don’t know if it’s as good as the others. But I am trying to shut that little voice down and remind myself that my story is important too.

And if you are new here, as I mentioned in the episode, I have some resource links available if you are looking for help. It’s hard to start getting help, but as long as you are ready to receive the help you get it can be amazing. I know for me, I had the information way before I was ready. Before I was ready, I couldn’t really take it in and I wasn’t able to implement the things I needed to. But once I was ready to start my journey toward recovery, I’m so glad I had a lot of information I could use and it has been a great tool for me.

Thank you again to Brianne and Mark for letting me be a part of the podcast! I really am so grateful that you gave me this chance. And by putting myself out there in a different way and being honest to more people, I think this might help me just as much (or more) than it helps people who listen to it. I know that keeping a secret can only make things worse. So being more and more honest hopefully will only make things better.

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Default ThumbnailContinuing To Find Ways To Be Creative (or Podcasts and Online Shows) Default ThumbnailHaving To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others) Default ThumbnailBeing As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward) Default ThumbnailBinge Eating In The Media (or More Help Might Be On The Way) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike) Default ThumbnailFeeling Normal Again (or Happy To Be Back In Control)

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Just A Bad Workout Week (or I Need To End The Year Better Than This)

Posted on December 14, 2020 | Comments Off on Just A Bad Workout Week (or I Need To End The Year Better Than This)

This past week of workouts was just bad for me. There’s no real way to make it sound better. I can say that I at least did something, but I don’t know if I can say anything more positive than that. And honestly, I wonder if doing nothing would have been better for my mood. I know it wouldn’t have been better physically for me, because something is better than nothing. But mentally, maybe I wouldn’t be so down if I didn’t work out at all compared to feeling really horribly about how I did.

I knew this past week was going to be tough. My nausea wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past, but it was still affecting me a lot. I really worried that I would throw up several times in the middle of the workout. I’m glad I didn’t, but it really made me hesitant. So I was already not doing my full ability and then this gave me a mental roadblock too. I wanted to try to push myself, but I was terrified to do so. And it felt like whenever I did push a bit more, that’s when nausea kicked in. It felt like an endless battle and at the end of each workout I was feeling pretty defeated.

I also had a bit of a weird schedule this past week because I was working around the schedule for my new job. Right now, my schedule isn’t the same every day because I am training and working at different times lets me see different parts of the job. This is only temporary and once I’m fully working on my own I will have a schedule that should be the same every day. It will still change when I’m used to working out unless I find a way to work out a bit earlier than I’m used to. That might be possible, I just have to see how it goes.

But I’ve gotten so used to having my workouts be one of the first things I do each day. Even if it’s not as early as I like to work out, I try to get it done first before moving on to other things with my day. But once I’m working my new schedule, there is a chance that I will be working and then working out after. Again, I may be able to work out before I work, it just depends on a few things. But that also may change if I end up doing the outdoor workouts because I will need to take driving time into account. But I’m not going to worry about that just yet.

As much as I want to do the outdoor workouts and I know that I will probably feel so much better about my workouts if I did those, I just don’t feel ready to do them yet. It’s not just not feeling like I’m ready to get back to hard workouts (which I don’t feel like I am), but it’s about how the number of cases is going here. I know that working out outside where everyone is spaced apart and people are required to wear masks is one of the safer things you can do. With contact tracing, they have shown that most cases are coming from people having gatherings in their homes. But I’m still a bit hesitant. And if I’m nervous about that, I don’t feel like I should force myself to go. It’s not like I’m trying to get myself to work out at all. I am still doing them (even this past week when it felt like I didn’t). I just need to feel like it’s safe enough for me to be able to focus on the workout and not be panicking while I’m there.

At this rate, I don’t think I’ll be doing any outdoor workouts before the new year. This means I will likely be ending my 2020 workouts by doing them at home. And I don’t want to end my 2020 workouts the way I feel now. I want to feel proud of myself for what I did. I want to be happy that I didn’t let a pandemic stop me from trying to achieve my goals. Working out from home for 9 months of the year wasn’t my plan, but it was my reality. And I want to make sure that is a positive memory and not a negative one.

I don’t know if I’ll be feeling better this week or not. I’m guessing at least part of this week will still be days I’m dealing with nausea. But I’m hoping that at least toward the end of the week I will be feeling better. And then I can work on finishing out the year with some of my best workouts at home of the year. I would love to end this year feeling really awesome and how I used to feel doing workouts in the studio. I know that might be possible, but it’s what I’m hoping for and I want to at least try to make it happen.

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Default ThumbnailI Hate Having A Hard Workout Week (or Not My Usual Workout Recap) Default ThumbnailNot My Usual Workout Recap Post (or I Survived A Bad Week) Default ThumbnailA Bad Workout Week For A Different Reason (or I Guess I Was Too Optimistic) Default ThumbnailRinging In The New Year With Workouts (or A Rare 5 Workout Week) Default ThumbnailNot The Workout Week I Planned On (or Starting To Prepare To Go Back) Default ThumbnailAnother Hard Workout Week (or A Repeat Of The Last Week In More Ways Than One)

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Feeling Like I’m Catching Up (or A Month With Vertigo)

Posted on December 4, 2020 | Comments Off on Feeling Like I’m Catching Up (or A Month With Vertigo)

It’s been about a month since I got sick with vertigo. Even though it was more severe than I ever had experienced, I thought it wouldn’t take too long to get over it. I had never had vertigo last a day, so I thought I just needed to recover the day it hit me and the next day it might be better. I had no idea how bad it would get (since the second day was actually worse than the first) or how long it would take to recover.

I don’t know if I’m completely over it. I still have moments where I need to catch or steady myself. I still feel like things are a little harder for me than they used to be. Most of the time, I’m not feeling dizzy, but occasionally it does hit me and I need to let it pass. But those moments are becoming rare and they pass quickly.

It felt like it took forever to recover and things progressed slowly. It took almost a week before I felt like I could walk without holding onto a wall. For over 2 weeks, I would have to sit down from time to time in the shower because I would get hit with vertigo. My workouts are still a bit tough, but I’m noticing a difference. For example, for a while, any exercise on my back made the room spin (like doing crunches). Now, I notice a little bit of swaying when I do floor exercises or get up off the floor, but it’s not as constant as it was.

Now that I’m finally feeling better, I’m starting to do all the things that I had been putting off. Most of it is related to cleaning since I wasn’t keeping up with cleaning my house. But I also have been working on little projects that I had to put on hold. Some of these projects are more idea-type things and not physical projects, but I still stopped working on them when I wasn’t feeling ok. When you are dizzy a lot, you don’t feel like you can focus on writing stuff down or researching. And it took a while before I felt comfortable spending a lot of time sitting at my computer. Even when I could sit at my computer, I was taking a lot of breaks to rest. Now, I feel like I can do a full day of working if I had to.

There aren’t a ton of things I need to do since there isn’t much going on in my life. But it still feels good to be able to get things accomplished and feel like I’m doing something with my day. I’m still a bit cautious to not do too much in case that makes me have vertigo again, but I am pushing myself to get more and more each day. And that means I get to feel more and more accomplished each day. That’s a feeling I have been missing and it’s nice to have it back again.

A month ago, I had no clue vertigo could be as bad as it was. I only had experienced short bouts of it and to me, those were horrible enough. It’s awful when the world is spinning around you and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. But it has always stopped just as quickly as it started and I was able to move on with my day. I had never experienced this slow recovery from vertigo and having to learn how to deal with whatever it is like each day. It’s been a learning process, not just how to deal with vertigo but how to be patient with recovering. I still am impatient and not good at letting myself take time to get better. But I’m working on it. I hope that I never experience vertigo like this again, but if I do I hope that I am more prepared to deal with it and I can have an easier recovery than I have had this past month.

And hopefully, in another week or two, this will all be a memory and I won’t be thinking about vertigo at all. I’m ready to be over it and feeling completely normal again. I know that I won’t be living a completely normal life when I’m over it because things are still weird here with safer at home orders, but I’m ready to be dealing with only 1 weird thing at a time.

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Default ThumbnailStill Dealing With Vertigo (or This May Take A While To Recover From) Default ThumbnailAlmost Missing An Entire Week Of Workouts (or Another Issue With Vertigo) Default ThumbnailDealing With A Small Setback (or At Least I Can Manage Vertigo A Bit More) Default ThumbnailAnother Thing Vertigo Screwed Up For Me (or Wrapping Up My 2020 Challenges) Default ThumbnailAll My Plans Didn’t Happen (or Vertigo Knocked Me Down) Default ThumbnailFinally Able To Drive Again (or Feeling Like I Have Some Freedom)

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Being Emotional At OTF (or It’s Weird Seeing The Studio Like This)

Posted on November 27, 2020 | Comments Off on Being Emotional At OTF (or It’s Weird Seeing The Studio Like This)

I’m going to do a recap of my Thanksgiving next week (as I am writing this post, I haven’t had Thanksgiving yet). But I wanted to share something from a bit earlier in the week. After completing Hell Week, my Orangetheory studio let us know that they would notify us when we could come and get our shirts. There was no question about me going to get my shirt, so I was very excited to find out when I could pick it up. Unfortunately, the first pickup date was during the worst of my vertigo, so there was no way for me to drive over there.

But they had told us there would be more pickup dates and there was one earlier this week. I knew I’d be able to drive over to the Culver City studio (where the pickup was going to be) and I was excited to get to see the studio again. My last workout there was about 8 1/2 months ago, and I’ve missed it so much. I miss the workouts a lot, but even just being at the studio was something I missed too. Being in that space is something that makes me so happy. The same with the Brentwood studio (where I actually have done more workouts than Culver City). There’s something special about the studio and I was happy I’d get to be there, even if it was only to pick up a shirt.

What I didn’t expect was how emotional it would be for me to be in there. As soon as I walked in the door, it hit me so hard how long it had been since I was there and how much I miss things. The studio didn’t look that different, but it was different. It was dark, quiet, and nobody was there except the staff who was there to help give out our shirts. It was sad to see a space that means so much to me not feel the same.

But even though it didn’t feel the same, it still made me happy to be inside the lobby. I only stood in the doorway, but that was enough to remind me that the studio is still there. During a time when it seems like the world isn’t there anymore, it’s reassuring to see that the studio is going to be ready to be back as soon as it is safe. We can’t be there now, but we will be there again. I know it sounds crazy to need a reminder that something still exists, but that’s exactly what it was and what I needed.

Of course, I was also sad about how much I have been missing the workouts. I joked to my friends that I wish I could have found a way to borrow a rower so I could have almost the OTF experience at home. I’m still hoping that I can do the outdoor workouts in Marina del Rey soon, but I need to be feeling a bit better to be able to do that. I want vertigo to not be an issue anymore and I know I need to work on my endurance. But more than going to the outdoor workouts, I just want my regular studio workouts back. It has been a huge part of my life for so long and I miss it. I miss the routine of going there 4 days a week. I miss feeling sore after a good workout. I just miss my old life.

I know that as soon as it is safe to reopen, the studio will do just that. Things might not be exactly the same for a little while, but it will be more like what I’m used to than what I’m experiencing now with my workouts. And there’s no question that I will appreciate those workouts more than ever. I never thought about how much I would miss it if I couldn’t be there for a long time. Even when I thought I needed my liver surgery, I was assuming I would only be out for maybe a month. And with that, I was mentally preparing myself for it. I wasn’t prepared for this. I never thought it would be so long with me doing the home workouts.

All I can do is to continue to work out at home and keep myself safe and healthy. So when the studio is open again and full of life like I’m used to, I’ll be here to experience that and I’ll be ready to get back to my normal workout routine.

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Default Thumbnail6 Months Of Home Workouts (or I Still Miss OTF All The Time) Default ThumbnailMaking Home Workouts Feel A Bit More Like Studio Ones (or I Do Still Wish I Was In-Studio) Default ThumbnailA Routine Workout Week (or The Multiple Studio Life) Default ThumbnailTrying Other Types Of OTF At Home Workouts (or Adding More Variety) Default ThumbnailFeeling Like I Worked Hard (or At Least I’m More Used To This) Default ThumbnailAnother OTF Hangout (or Discovering A New Local Wine Bar)

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Finally Able To Drive Again (or Feeling Like I Have Some Freedom)

Posted on November 25, 2020 | Comments Off on Finally Able To Drive Again (or Feeling Like I Have Some Freedom)

When I came down with vertigo, there was no question that I couldn’t drive. I mean, for the first few days I couldn’t even stand. I was barely moving from beyond my bed. So there was also no reason for me to think about driving or doing anything. And for the first week of vertigo, I pretty much felt the same way. I wasn’t doing much at all and I didn’t even think about anything outside my door. Even just going across my driveway to do laundry seemed like a journey.

The second week with vertigo, I was making more and more progress. I still knew I couldn’t drive because of how often I was experiencing dizziness. I was feeling a bit more stir crazy that week because I wasn’t going anywhere and I hadn’t really been going anywhere for the few weeks before I got sick because I was quarantining to prepare to see my family. I wanted to get out and just do something. Even driving around aimlessly for a little while seemed like a treat that I wanted. But I couldn’t do it until I felt confident enough that I could drive.

Finally, over this past weekend, I was starting to feel almost normal again. I still occasionally experience moments of swaying, but it’s very different from the dizziness I was having for the two weeks prior. So I decided it was time to push myself a bit more. I wanted to be cautious with driving, so my first time driving again was only 3 blocks to run to the store for some things. I knew that I could always pull over and turn off my car if I had to. But I was not really experiencing much vertigo when I was sitting still. It was pretty much only when I was standing up.

And that first outing was a success! I did have a few moments of swaying while I was in the store, so I just leaned on the shelves for a moment to let it pass. But it was almost nothing compared to what I had been dealing with. And driving back was just as easy as driving there. So I finally felt more confident about driving.

On Monday, I did some more driving again. My phone has been dying lately. It’s pretty old in terms of how smartphones age, but the biggest issue I was having was a lack of battery power. I would charge it and unplug it at 100% and it would be dead within an hour. While I’ve been home, it’s not a huge deal because I can always charge it, but it’s been an inconvenience when I wanted to do something on my phone and not have to be next to a wall charger. And I had been wanting to get a new phone for a while. I know it’s not the most financially responsible thing to do, but at the same time I use my phone for work stuff and I think having a small thing that makes me happy is worth spending a bit more than normal. This isn’t something I do often. I try to use technology until it’s really dead. So I got a good phone in the hopes that this one will last me several years.

Driving to get the phone was a bit further than the store, but it was just as successful as my other drive. Again, I was driving on surface streets and not freeways so I knew I could always pull over if I needed to. But I’m glad I didn’t. I did have some moments of swaying at the store getting my phone, but I was also there for 2 hours (there were some weird things on my account that made take a bit longer to finish the purchase) so standing for 2 hours is a pretty long time considering what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks.

I also did some more errands yesterday. These were things I needed to do like go to the grocery store (I do use grocery delivery, but there are some things I have to get in person). I’m not planning on driving every day, but that’s how things worked out for the past few days. Although the more I think about it, maybe doing a little driving or outing each day would be good for me. I don’t have to do anything that involves me getting out of my car to keep it safe, but not feeling trapped in my house is nice.

And besides not feeling trapped, I feel much more free knowing I can drive again. It’s not just the freedom of being able to drive, but the freedom of being able to do things for myself. I have gained a little independence that I didn’t have while I couldn’t drive. I can go out and do errands myself and not depend on others. I don’t like having to ask other people to do things for me. It’s a little bit of pride and a little bit of not wanting to be a hassle or problem. I know it’s not a big deal to ask people to help me and I’m always happy to help my friends. I just struggle with letting myself ask. And while I do want to work on that, I’m glad for now I can do things for myself again and I can feel a bit more normal.

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Missing Family (or Things Hit Harder This Year)

Posted on November 20, 2020 | Comments Off on Missing Family (or Things Hit Harder This Year)

Today is my grandma’s birthday. It’s not the first birthday to happen since she passed away. But it still feels fresh in a way in my mind. I forgot to turn off the reminder alarm on my phone to buy my grandma a birthday card, so I got the alert a week ago. I think before that happened, I almost forgot that her birthday was coming up.

I didn’t completely forget because I know her birthday is around Thanksgiving, but this year has been so odd that in a way I forgot that Thanksgiving is next week. So that reminder to buy a birthday card (which I have now removed), just brought things back to reality to me. And it hit me with a double punch. First, missing my grandma so much, and second, realizing again that I will not be seeing my family this year for Thanksgiving.

When the pandemic first hit, I know a lot of us tried to stay optimistic about Thanksgiving. It was half a year away so we thought that this might be done by then and we could have a family Thanksgiving. I remember when flights went on sale and I talked to my mom about if I should buy tickets. She told me to wait to buy them because things were still a bit unsure. I think it was over the summer that we finally said as a family that Thanksgiving wasn’t going to happen. I was supposed to have a small family Thanksgiving meal early with just my immediate family, but I missed that last week since I was sick. My parents did bring me some leftovers so I had Thanksgiving food, but it wasn’t exactly the same.

Even though I don’t see my family too often, I feel pretty close to them. I talk to my aunts and cousins throughout the year. Sometimes we are able to see each other more than once a year, but even if we can’t it doesn’t feel like any time has passed when we get together. I know if I needed something, I could call anyone in my family and they would help me. And seeing everyone once a year has been something that I have done for every year of my life. So missing out on it this year is hitting me really hard. It’s the only big tradition that my family has, and we can’t do it. I know that missing it this year is the right thing to do and it will keep us all healthy and able to have many more Thanksgivings in the future, but it doesn’t make it easier.

I am very lucky that everyone in my family is healthy and able to be safe. Even though I have a few family members who work in hospitals, they have what they need to protect themselves. I know that so many people can’t say that, so I am so grateful that is the case with my family. And while I loved my grandma so much, a few of us have said how we feel a little relief that we don’t have to worry about her right now. If she was still alive, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be for my family to be worried about her constantly since she was in a nursing home. And with the type of dementia that she had, I don’t know if she would have understood why nobody could visit her, and she might have been very upset with us all.

And at least my family has been able to be together once since my grandma passed away. We were able to have a little time to celebrate her life and share memories last year at Thanksgiving. I don’t know if you ever feel closure with someone’s death, but it did help me feel a little more closure that we were all together and remembering my grandparents. I think it also helped me come to terms with things because it almost felt like a fever dream when I found out my grandma passed away. I needed that time as a family and I’m so glad we were able to do that. But I still wish we could continue to have that time together this year.

By my grandma’s birthday next year, I hope that I will be having an easier time with it. I know that with other people who have passed away, each year their birthday is a little easier and a little less sad. I still miss them like crazy, but the day is more about remembering them and not mourning them. And hopefully by Thanksgiving next year, my family will be able to be together again and this missed Thanksgiving will just be a blip in our lives.

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Default ThumbnailFeeling Like Something Is Missing (or I Guess This Is Part Of The Grief Process) Default ThumbnailNot The Family Visit I Planned On Having (or An LA Afternoon) Default ThumbnailSkipping Over An Anniversary (or Forgetting But Not Forgetting) Default ThumbnailGrandma’s Birthday Dinner (or One Of Our Thanksgiving Traditions) Default ThumbnailThe Rest Of Thanksgiving (or Getting In Lots Of Family Time) Default ThumbnailHappy Birthday Grandma! (or Double Birthday Celebrations)

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Dealing With A Small Setback (or At Least I Can Manage Vertigo A Bit More)

Posted on November 19, 2020 | Comments Off on Dealing With A Small Setback (or At Least I Can Manage Vertigo A Bit More)

After all my talk about trying to prevent a setback, I had one yesterday. It wasn’t bad, but I did have more vertigo than the day before. It wasn’t anything like when I first got it, but it still scared me. I don’t want to get any worse, and even a small setback makes me fearful that is exactly what is happening.

I noticed that I was experiencing more vertigo from the moment I woke up yesterday. When I got out of bed, I almost fell forward. I was able to catch myself and stand up, but I was much less stable on my feet. I was holding onto the walls to walk, but at least I could walk. And as my morning went on, I was getting a little better but still not as good as I had been doing.

This vertigo was a bit different from the initial vertigo. When I got sick, it was like the world was tilted or spinning around me. I couldn’t tell up from down and I felt like everything was constantly moving. This time, it was more like being dizzy when I moved too quickly. It was almost like my eyes couldn’t keep up with my head. If I turned to the side, my vision took a second to get there. And the time it took to focus made the world sway back and forth. But once my vision caught up, it didn’t sway as much. And by the end of the day, I was able to walk without holding on to the walls. It’s a little sad when that is what I consider a victory, but I had to think that way. I woke up not able to walk without holding on and I ended the day unsteady but not needing to always hold on.

I took things very easy yesterday because of this. I still attempted to do my workout. But beyond that, I spent most of the day resting and not moving around too much. I wanted to do more, but I knew that clearly I had overdone it before and that’s why I was experiencing the setback. So I needed to be resting even more so I could stop the setback and not have another one.

As much as I told myself that this recovery was not going to be as easy as I wanted it to be, it’s still frustrating to have a setback. I’m better at managing vertigo now that I’ve been having it for almost 2 weeks. I know things I can do to feel a bit better or to make my life a little easier. And hopefully, this is the only setback I have and from now on I’ll just have progress forward until I get over this completely.

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The Week That Didn’t Happen (or Last Week Was A Mini 2020)

Posted on November 17, 2020 | Comments Off on The Week That Didn’t Happen (or Last Week Was A Mini 2020)

I have joked for a few months now that 2020 is the year that didn’t happen. It seems like this year doesn’t exist. Nothing is progressing forward (or it’s progressing a fraction of what it should be). It seems like I’m just moving along this year but not doing anything. So it really does feel like until the pandemic is over and it is safe to get back to life, everything is on hold and time isn’t really happening. I know it sounds weird, but that’s the best way to explain how this stagnation feels to me.

Well if 2020 is the year that didn’t happen, last week was the week that didn’t happen. I know that it’s ok that’s how my week went because I was dealing with vertigo and had to take care of myself. But it’s still weird to think back to last week and not really know what I did with all my time.

I have some things that I know that I did. I know when I was trying to work. I know when I was doing a virtual movie hangout with friends. I know when I tried to do some cooking. But for a lot of the week, I was in a bit of a cloud. I tried to read sometimes but gave up when it was too difficult to focus on the words. I know I took a lot of naps. Some of those naps lasted hours and I slept away the majority of the day. I tried to watch tv from time to time, but it wasn’t easy to keep my eyes on the screen when things were spinning or swaying.

Maybe I slept away more of the week than I remember. That’s the easy explanation for why I don’t remember how I passed the time. But I know that I probably also just zoned out from time to time and that’s what occupied my time. It’s weird to feel so confused about what I did, but there’s nothing to show me what I did since I spent all my time alone in my house. I guess it’s a good thing that I was safe and had everything that I needed in my house.

The vertigo is still affecting me, but it’s much less than what it was like last week. I am able to read and watch tv and it doesn’t bother me to focus on stuff. I’m doing a bit more work and trying to do more things sitting up rather than laying down. While the vertigo was at its worst, sitting up was very difficult. It’s still not normal, but I can do it more and more. And I want to get back to things that I know I didn’t do last week that I was planning on doing.

I’m still trying to apply for jobs because I do need to find work. I want to believe that my job will be back soon, but I really don’t know when it will be an option for me. I also technically don’t know if I’ll be guaranteed my job back when locations reopen, but I feel pretty comfortable that it will be offered to me. I’m only looking at jobs that are remote, but that’s more and more common now so that helps a bit. But there still aren’t that many jobs out there while things are still shutdown.

And I didn’t do any work on my book last week. I was doing really great the first week of the month, but then nothing happened the second week. I’m trying to get back into the groove of writing, but it’s hard when I fell out of that habit already. I’m not trying to make up for the time that I wasn’t working on it, but that’s ok because finishing the book wasn’t necessarily my goal this time. I would love to finish it, but there are other things that I can do that would be big accomplishments with the book other than writing the entire thing.

I’m hoping that the vertigo won’t affect my week too much this week. I’m trying to push myself a little bit more every day, but I’m also aware that if I do too much I could have a huge setback. It’s a balancing act and I’m constantly testing myself and seeing what I can do. There are a few things that I’m not even considering, like trying to drive my car or doing some jump rope work during my workouts. But for most things in my house, I’m trying to do more and more of what my normal routine is these days.

I know it’s ok to have a lost week, especially during a lost year. But I don’t want to be in the habit of not accomplishing things week to week because I know that I could do that and it won’t be doing anything good for me. I need to continue to try to be productive and find a purpose while I’m not living my full and normal life.

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Still Dealing With Vertigo (or This May Take A While To Recover From)

Posted on November 12, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Dealing With Vertigo (or This May Take A While To Recover From)

As I wrote yesterday, I have been dealing with some very severe vertigo. This is vertigo like I’ve never experienced before. I could be laying down in bed and the room would still be spinning around me. I’m used to being able to make it stop if I am not sitting or standing. But this time, even being flat on my back wasn’t enough to stop it when it was the most severe.

It started on Saturday and I would say that Saturday night and Sunday were the worst days for me. I couldn’t walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom. I wasn’t able to make it to my kitchen for the majority of that time. And when I did make it to my kitchen, it exhausted me and took a long time to make everything stop spinning.

Monday and Tuesday were a bit better, but still pretty brutal. I slept most of Tuesday away because I just couldn’t stay awake. I am writing this on Wednesday and I’m still dealing with vertigo. I’m doing a bit better than I was the day before, but it’s still not gone. I have been holding on to the walls when I’m walking from time to time. I can stand up for longer without falling over, but I still have to keep catching myself. When I did my dishes, I needed breaks because it felt like I was working out so hard. When I finally felt like my balance was enough so I could shower, that felt like a huge ordeal. I had no idea how much it can take it out of you to just stay balanced.

I didn’t go to the doctor because this is pretty standard (although severe) vertigo. And I’ve been trying different over the counter things to help. I also have started to do some exercises that are supposed to help. The exercises are mainly turning your head from side to side in different positions. The idea is that vertigo like I have is typically caused by the crystals in your ear being in the wrong spot, so your brain can’t figure out what is up or down. So these exercises are supposed to help get the crystals back into place. Most of them say that you will have instant relief when doing it, but that’s not my case. But I am seeing improvements so I’m doing them and hoping for the best.

It’s so frustrating to not really be able to do much. I can’t work out. I struggle to watch tv because I can’t focus on the screen. Reading is pretty much impossible right now. All I feel like doing is sleeping, and I’m letting myself do that because clearly, my body needs it. But I’m on day 5 of this is I’m ready to move on. My body doesn’t agree with my brain so I have to just listen to my body. I’m hoping that it will only be a few more days before I can start getting back to normal, but I also know that I might have another week of recovering ahead of me.

All I can do is rest when I need to, listen to my body, and keep trying the few things I have that are supposed to help. I know this isn’t going to last forever even if it feels like it will.

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