I was working on my planning for what blog posts I want to write in the near future, and it almost shocked me how close we are to the end of the year. This year has been the weirdest one of my life for sure. It has felt endless and like we have been stuck on the same day. I’ve said how this feels like the year that never happened, and that feeling still describes how I think about 2020.
I’ve had some moments of feeling low and like I almost lost a year of my life since I couldn’t do much. I’ve said how I feel like I have nothing that could be an accomplishment or an achievement this year. I know that isn’t true, but it’s hard not to feel like that. If someone asked me what I did in August, I honestly don’t know if I could share something productive that I did. I know that staying home and staying safe is a big accomplishment and something to be proud of, but it’s hard when I am very goal-focused and my goals have been not what I would expect them to be.
Even my monthly challenges have been tough for me. So many of them have been about just dealing with what we are all going through. I want to make the challenges about doing something that I can be proud of or feel like I have bettered my life in some way. Again, just like with general goals, I know that challenging myself to be ok with staying home and not being around others was likely the most important thing I have done. But it’s hard to celebrate avoiding things or a lack of progress even though that is what was best for me.
I know I’m not alone in my feelings. Many people have said similar things about this year not counting. Funny enough, as I was writing this post, I was listening to a podcast and they joked that none of our birthdays should have counted this year because it was a year we couldn’t really go out and live. I feel like once we can be together again, so many of us will share how we felt this past year and we will feel better about our own feelings. It’s not easy to not feel alone when you aren’t really able to share with others.
I’m continuing to try to be gentle with myself with what I’m doing these days. I will still do a recap of my year on here and cover the goals I had because it is important to recognize what I was able to do even under these circumstances. And I’m trying to focus on what goals I can set for next year. I am cautious about my goals for next year because I don’t know when I will be able to do things again. Even after I get the vaccine, I don’t know if it will be totally safe to be out and about. And who knows when different things will finally start reopening. But I can still set goals for myself that are somewhat under my control. And having a few goals that I might not be able to do because of the pandemic isn’t the worst thing. I will have to remind myself that not everything can be controlled and not reaching a goal isn’t a sign of failure. I am doing the best that I can and I have to be ok with that.
I don’t know when it will feel like it’s the end of the year. It might not. It might not even feel like a new year is here when it’s January. But eventually, I know it will feel like time is moving forward again. And I will appreciate that feeling even more when it’s back.
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