Today should be my grandma’s birthday. Her birthday was something that I celebrated with her almost every year because it is so close to Thanksgiving. The tradition in my family used to be celebrating her birthday either the day before or the day after Thanksgiving with a nice dinner out. Those dinners are so clear in my memory because they were such a big tradition. I loved having that extra time to celebrate with my family since we only really get together for Thanksgiving as an extended family.
Both of my grandparents passed away about a month before their birthdays, so I went through this with my grandpa’s death as well. But because I didn’t really celebrate his birthday with him, it didn’t hit me as hard as this is hitting me. I really feel like I’m forgetting to do something and that I will need to somehow catch up. Fortunately, I remembered to turn off the alarm on my calendar to buy my grandma’s birthday card so I didn’t have that alert about a week ago. But I still feel like I should be going to the store to find the perfect card for her.
My grandma loved butterflies so almost every single card I ever got for her had butterflies on them. I tried hard to always find birthday and Mother’s Day cards that were themed with butterflies or had one on there somewhere. It seems like it’s a common thing to find on cards, so I always seemed to be able to find them. Sometimes I would find the perfect card for her birthday months in advance and I’d get it and save it. I know that my grandma loved those cards and cherished them. I don’t know if any of my cousins ever got my grandma the same card, but I’m guessing that since there aren’t a ton of grandma cards with butterflies that it happened at least once.
I missed my grandma’s birthday dinner last year because it was done the night I flew in for Thanksgiving. It was sad to miss that dinner, but I understood why it had to be that night. That felt weird enough for me, but I knew I’d get to spend some time over the next few days with my grandma to make up for it. And she understood why I wasn’t able to fly in earlier for it. I was thinking that maybe this year would be similar to last year and I would just have a feeling of missing out. But it’s harder than that for me.
I’ve shared how grieving the loss of my grandma has been taking me time to get through. I’m not trying to rush myself through the grieving process and I’m allowing myself to take the time I need and not feel weird that it’s not over. There are things that are very different for me with this death compared to other deaths in my life.
When comparing this loss with the loss of my grandpa, I was much closer to my grandma. I knew I could depend on her and it’s a loss not to have that. I also have watched my grandma decline for several years, compared to my grandpa passing away a bit more suddenly. I would think watching someone decline would make it easier to accept, but I think I just assumed she would continue that path for a bit longer. Even though it was hard to watch her become a shadow of who she used to be, there were still moments where I could see the person she was before and it was a nice reminder of who she was when I was little. And I think the way I found out about my grandma’s death has made this a long process. I had to push the sadness away for a few days because I was busy working at the convention.
I’m sure that I’m going to struggle a bit for a little longer. I’m already expecting Thanksgiving to be tough for me and my family. And I’m a bit more prepared now for having random moments of sadness and grief when I can’t figure out what exactly caused it. When I had those last month, they really took me by surprise and I didn’t exactly know what to do with them. Now that I’ve experienced it, I still will be a bit unsure what to do but they won’t be as shocking or surprising.
Being sad on my grandma’s birthday was something I was more prepared for. There are a few other dates in the future that I’m ready to struggle through. But knowing that they are coming doesn’t necessarily make them easier. I just hope that time will help the sadness be a bit less and allow me to celebrate my grandma’s incredible life on those days and not focus on the loss.
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