Tag Archives: pandemic

Taking Acceptable Risks (or Feeling Odd About This Stage Of The Pandemic)

Right now, things are so odd in the world. I have said that a lot over the past 2 years. I never thought everything would shut down the way they did at first. I never thought things could last as long as they have. Even though I know success isn’t a straight line, I didn’t think things would go back and forth as often as they have. And I never realized how much things would affect me as they change.

In some ways, we are better off than we were 2 years ago. We have vaccinations that seem to be keeping most people out of the hospital and alive. We have treatment options that look more and more promising. Most of us knew that vaccines weren’t a perfect fix, just like how any vaccines aren’t perfect, but I think many of us thought more people would be vaccinated so there wouldn’t be as many unvaccinated people getting severely sick.

And even with the advancements and advantages we have now, we are also doing worse than the rest of the time we’ve been in a pandemic. The number of people testing positive is higher than they ever have been. Right now, hospitalizations where I am aren’t as bad as they were at the peak, but we know that can be a bit delayed. I know that the number of people testing positive isn’t always the best thing to judge by, but it’s still not a good sign when we went from under 1,000 people a day to 30,000 people a day.

But with things seeming so bad right now, it’s weird because we aren’t shutting down the way we did before. I honestly don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I haven’t made a lot of changes in my life since the pandemic started. I haven’t been inside a restaurant to eat, I wear my mask everywhere, I rarely do any type of shopping in a store versus online, and I don’t go out and do much. I have done more since being vaccinated such as going to Orangetheory and eating at restaurants outdoors, but I’m still really limiting what I go and do.

And everything that I go out and do has to be an acceptable risk for me. Especially with the variant right now, you never know when you might be exposed to someone who will test positive. But whatever you choose to do, you have to be ok with that risk. And what you are ok with is such a personal choice. I have several friends who have gone to movies in the past few months. They are trying to take precautions like picking times that aren’t as crowded and they usually don’t get snacks so they are keeping their masks on the entire time. But one of my friends was alerted that they were in close contact with someone who tested positive and they know based on the timing that it was from when they went to a movie. Fortunately, they tested negative and are fine, but it’s still one of those personal risks that we have to be ok with.

I recently went to get my hair done. I’ve been pretty good about being able to keep a regular schedule with my hair, even if I haven’t been able to do the same with any other beauty routines. I do want to get back to the other things that make me feel more confident in how I look, but it seems like every time I’m ready to do it there is another reason why I shouldn’t. Maybe I’m about to go see someone who is at a higher risk and getting my eyebrows done isn’t as important as making sure I’m safe around them. More recently I put it off because of this new variant and how close someone would be to my face. Even with both of us wearing a mask, it seems a bit too risky right now for me. When I get my hair done, we are both masked and she doesn’t have to be too close to my face. So in my mind, that feels safer. I have no clue if it really is safer, but again, this is a personal choice with what risks I’m willing to take.

I really can’t wait until I don’t have to keep thinking like this and I can just go and do something because I want to. But that time isn’t here just yet. And until it is, I just have to keep considering each thing that I do and making sure that I’m comfortable with doing it and I accept the risks that may be involved. It’s not an easy or carefree way to live (and I miss how that was my life before), but it’s keeping me safe and healthy. And even though this is a longer time than I think anyone predicted, I have to remember that this is a temporary time and soon we will be past it.

A Chill New Year’s Eve (or Getting To Have A Little Celebration)

Most of the time for New Year’s Eve, I’m at a party with friends. I don’t like to go out to big events, but celebrating with my friends is the perfect way to celebrate with others but also have a low-key evening. There is no pressure to dress up, things are casual, and I always have fun. When the pandemic started, I don’t think any of us thought it would last through the end of the year. But it did, and I spend the end of 2020 home by myself and alone. I didn’t like spending a night that is normally a celebration alone, but that’s what needed to happen so everyone could stay safe and healthy.

By the end of 2021, things were better and worse at the same time. There are vaccines and treatment options to help, but the numbers are very high and people are still getting sick and dying. So being at a big party with friends wouldn’t have been a safe or smart choice. Fortunately, I was invited to a very small gathering with friends for New Year’s Eve and this group was all people who take things seriously. For example, one person invited found out they were in close contact with someone who tested positive the day before. Even though they didn’t test positive, they didn’t come because they didn’t want to risk getting everyone sick. Knowing that we all were taking the pandemic that seriously made me feel better about meeting up with a few people.

It was a very low-key night. We hung out and played some silly card games. And of course just talked and enjoyed being with other people. Most of us are staying pretty isolated or with very limited contact with friends in real life, so it was a nice break from that. There was still a sense of needing to be careful and cautious while we were together, but we did relax a bit more than I normally would around other people. And I needed this after not seeing many friends for so long. While the state of the world and pandemic never left my mind, I didn’t think about it as much as I usually do and that was a nice break for me.

However, I was dealing with a lot of pain and nausea over New Year’s Eve, so I wasn’t sure how long I’d be staying at the gathering. I was hoping I would make it until midnight, but I also knew that if I was feeling horrible that I might have to leave sooner. And I also thought that leaving before midnight would probably be safer when thinking about crazy drivers on the road. So I went to see my friends knowing that I might leave early and that’s exactly what I did. I tried to stay as long as I could, but I really wanted to just lay in bed and try to feel better after a few hours. I left just after 11pm and was home in bed when it was midnight and 2022 officially started.

Somehow, having half of a party night and half of a night at home alone seemed perfect to spend this past New Year’s Eve. We are not back to the old normal, but we are not in the same place we were in 2020. We are somewhere in the middle and that’s what my evening was. It was between what my normal is like and what the last year was like. Maybe by the start of 2023, we will be able to have a party the way we normally do. I want to be hopeful and think that, but I’ve also thought that so many times and have been wrong before. But at least things are slowly progressing toward normal and I didn’t have to spend the entire evening alone again.

Continuing To Try To Stay Safe (or Making Sure I Don’t Panic Too Much or Too Little)

For so long, I think all of us were being hopeful that we were coming to the end of the pandemic. People were getting vaccinated. Some were getting boosters. Case numbers were going down and so were hospitalizations. I really was starting to feel a bit safer even though I was still taking a lot of precautions and didn’t go too many places. There were still people getting sick, but it seemed to mainly be those that were not vaccinated. And if someone who was vaccinated got sick, they were not having that many symptoms and rarely went to the hospital.

But we had been warned that things might be bad again this winter as more people are indoors and there is the chance of having a higher risk for both Covid and the flu. But what we didn’t expect was also having a new variant that seems to be the most contagious yet.

I’m trying to not overreact, but this is feeling very similar to what things were like in March 2020. I know it’s not the same because we have treatment options we didn’t have then and people are not being hospitalized or dying at the same rate they were before, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t making me feel a bit panicked. But I am trying to take what I have learned in the past year and a half to make sure I stay safe.

Most of the things I started to do in March 2020 haven’t changed since then. I still limit where I go and try to avoid crowded places. And I still wear a mask when I’m around others indoors. I don’t always wear a mask when I’m outdoors, but if there are a lot of people near me that I don’t know I do wear one. And since I always keep a mask in my purse and car, it’s easy to always have one with me.

But with this variant, I know that there is a chance that I could still catch it. I’ve had a few friends get sick in the past week, and all of them have been vaccinated and wear masks in public. Most of them have had very mild symptoms and have recovered quickly. One friend had more symptoms and I was worried about them for a bit, but they seem to be getting better now. But I know that even a mild case can have long-term side effects, so I know things might not be over for them yet. But I do hope that they all have easy recoveries and they don’t have issues later.

Seeing friends of mine get sick when they do similar precautions to what I do really worries me. I have been thinking about what other things I can do to keep myself safe or think about any things that I plan on doing to see if I need to do them or if I can wait. I am trying to order things online if I can, but some things are only in stores. Right now I have plans to get my hair done, but if things seem really bad when it’s closer to my appointment, I might see if I can reschedule. But I picked a time that shouldn’t be as crowded and it’s somewhere that everyone wears masks and there is no need to take them off, like at a restaurant.

I saw a joke online that said something like everyone more scared than me is crazy and everyone less scared than me has their head in the sand. And in a way, I do feel like this. I wonder if I’m panicking too much or not enough. I worry that I am not doing everything I should because I’m tired of living during a pandemic. I know everyone wants life to feel normal again, whatever that means. I just don’t want to have to think about the risks of getting sick every time I decide to do something outside my house. But at the same time, I know I’m taking more risks than I did over a year ago and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

I don’t know if anyone knows what is the right way to live now and what is being too risky. I know being vaccinated and wearing masks are key and I’m doing that. But beyond that, I just have to do what choices I can live with if I do end up getting sick in the future.

Having More Virtual Movie Nights (or Still Trying To Be Social)

The movie club group I started has been going for almost 2 years. It’s crazy to think we’ve been doing this for that long. But then again it’s crazy to think we are almost at 2 years of this pandemic. And this movie club group has been something that kept me sane during this entire time. The group started as just movies one day a week. Then it became tv shows one day and movies another day. And over these 2 years, I feel like I’ve gotten to know the group that joins in each week.

We have a pretty small group with only about 20 people, but there’s also a smaller group of us who seem to have really clicked. Even though none of us have met each other in real life, I feel like I know them. And we are always randomly texting each other and filling the others in on our lives. Honestly, they have become really close friends and I think that this would have only happened during a pandemic. All of us lost bits of our lives over the past 2 years, and that’s how we found each other and clicked.

Most of the time, we text about positive or silly things. But we also share things we struggle with. And a lot of us have been struggling lately with feeling a bit down. I think a lot of this has to do with the weather and how short the days are. When I’m done with work, it’s dark. I’m out in the mornings to go to my workout, but I don’t really see much daylight each day since I work all day long. I’m not the only one feeling like this, and so my text group decided that we would add in another movie night for our group.

We already had a 3rd night of watching together with a few of us watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor In Paradise together each week (since it’s so much more fun when you are doing commentary with friends during the episodes). But for the past few weeks, we also have been having one random night with cheesy holiday movies. They typically are the type of movies that are so bad they are good and watching them together makes it more entertaining.

I know that I’m still home alone and looking at a screen, but it’s still time for me to be social each week. I don’t really go out too much. I try to go out when I can, but unless I have something already planned, I find it hard to feel motivated. Once I’m done with work, I don’t really feel like leaving my house. I know this is also a bit of burnout, but I think it’s more about not wanting to go out in the dark and still being hesitant with Covid. So if my social life has to be a screen for a bit longer, I don’t think that’s the worst thing. It’s better to do this than to watch things alone and feel like I’m on my own little planet again. At least this way, I feel like I’m spending time with others and not isolated.

I don’t think this extra movie night will be something we keep up for too long. When the days start to get longer again, hopefully things will be easier for us all to plan outside of our homes. But for now, I’m just grateful that I have a group I can rely on to be there for me virtually as I still try to figure out how to have a life while staying safe during a pandemic.

Finally Getting My Booster (or Feeling A Little Safer)

I’ve been eligible for my Covid booster for a little bit. It’s been debatable when I became eligible because things have changed and I didn’t look into it too much right away. But I knew that I would want to do the booster shot since I still am considered at a higher risk for getting sick.

But I didn’t rush to schedule my booster shot right away. I had a few things happening and I didn’t want to risk having some bad side effects. And I didn’t feel the same rush to get it done as I did with the original shot. When I got my first vaccine, I was trying to find how to book an appointment as soon as possible. And I’m so glad I did it then because things were getting really stressful for me and getting the vaccine was one way I could try to keep myself safe. Even after being vaccinated, I haven’t done a lot of things differently when it comes to staying safe. I still stay home a lot and don’t go out. I wear a mask when I’m out. I am around more people than before, especially because I go to my workouts, but I’m really limiting my interactions with other people. And maybe because I’m not going out a lot, I didn’t feel like I had to get my booster shot immediately. I know that there is a chance the original vaccine was keeping me safe, but I knew I couldn’t chance it. So I got my booster shot scheduled for this week.

I was able to do this vaccine at Kaiser again (I know I could have done it at CVS or another drugstore, but it was easy to schedule it through my insurance). But it was a bit different from my other 2 vaccination appointments. It was at a different office, but they also had the registration different from my other appointments. I had an appointment and then had to go and check-in. After checking in, I had to go to a line where everyone was waiting their turn. There wasn’t a place to sit down, we were just lined up outside the building. And there were only 6 vaccination chairs in the room (I think at my other appointment, there were at least 20). So the line moved pretty slowly. From the time I checked in to the time I was finally in a chair was over 30 minutes. I was already nervous since I don’t do well with needles, but I was also in a lot of pain from standing in line for so long (I debated sitting on the ground, but it didn’t seem like the smartest idea). But at least once I was seated, things went quickly.

I had to do the usual confirmation of my name and what I was there for. And they confirmed what vaccine I previously had. I was given the option to change which brand I had for my booster shot, but I went with the same one as before since I knew what my reaction would likely be from it. The booster dose isn’t as much as the regular dose, so I’m hoping I won’t have too many side effects.

And as I almost always do, I had a moment I blacked out when getting my shot. It’s more of an annoyance than anything these days because I do need to warn people I’m a faint risk. I try to explain it’s not a big deal but I know I need to tell them. But they always worry I’m going to pass out and hit my head or something.  But at least this time I was only out for a few seconds before I felt normal again. They did monitor me a bit closer than most people because I said I was a faint risk, but I spent that time playing games on my phone and getting some work done. And after my waiting period was over, I was on my way back home.

I know that I’m lucky that I had the ability to get a booster shot when it’s not available for everyone. And there are some people who haven’t had a chance to be vaccinated at all yet. But I try not to feel guilty about this. I know I’m at a higher risk for getting sick, and if I protect myself that means that I hopefully won’t take up space in a hospital bed if I do get Covid. And that hospital bed could go to someone who needs it, whether they need it due to Covid or for something else that would require medical attention.

I really wish we were past this pandemic. We have been given tools to make it end, but not everyone is doing what we need. So I have to do what I can for now and I just have to hope it will be enough to keep me and those around me safe.

Even More Pandemic Dating Adventures (or Getting Out Of The House)

Just like so much in my life, my dating life is somewhere between what it was like before the pandemic and what it was like during the worst of the pandemic. I am able to go out and meet people I match with on apps, but the locations I feel ok going to are limited. And most of my usual go-to places haven’t reopened yet. I also am still doing voice calls through the apps, which is something I started during the worst of the pandemic. I still don’t love phone calls, but it’s better than texting and it allows me and them to feel more comfortable with meeting in person after we have spoken. Maybe doing calls before meeting is something I will continue to do even when I can meet someone quickly? I’m not sure, but at least it’s something to do to make sure I want to meet up with someone in real life.

I do miss how easy and carefree it felt before to go and meet someone. There was always a place to meet up that was open, being in crowds was actually better and felt safer, and I could find out quickly if the person I had matched with was a good match for me or not. It’s so hard to tell if there is chemistry or a connection over text or the phone. You really can’t replicate in-person chemistry any other way, and that’s what made dating during most of last year so hard. But at least it is a little easier now, especially with so many people being very open and excited to share they are vaccinated (my photo of me with my vaccine card is on my dating profiles since I feel like that is a good picture of me).

And it is nice to get to meet someone new, even if the date isn’t perfect. I don’t get out of my house as often as I would like to, and having a date is a good excuse to dress in clothes that aren’t yoga pants and tank tops and be out in the world again. Mostly, I have done dates outside somewhere since that is still safer than being inside. But with my work schedule the way it is now and it getting dark so early, it’s not always the best option to meet outside. So for a date that I had this week, we were trying to find where to meet up that was easy and casual but also open after work. We ended up finding a Starbucks that didn’t close at 7pm like most of them do and met up there.

If this guy is reading this (he mentioned when we met that he had read a little bit of my blog), don’t worry. I’m not going to say it was a horrible date or anything. It was an okay date. We weren’t a great match for each other and that’s fine. But I did go inside my first Starbucks since the pandemic which was an odd adventure in itself. And it was really nice to meet someone new, talk for a bit, and feel like things are almost normal. I know they aren’t, but it didn’t feel as abnormal as so many things do these days either.

And soon, things might change again to be even more like normal. At least when it comes to feeling safe being out. In about a week, vaccines will be required for most things around LA. I know that a vaccine doesn’t provide full protection, but it will be nice to know that at least everyone in a space has been vaccinated and less likely to be sick or contagious. I will still be cautious about where I go and who I meet up with, but anything that can make me feel safer is a positive change. And maybe with a positive change in one part of dating I’ll have a positive change with the dates that I have too!

Getting Ready For A Booster (or I’m So Glad Vaccines Are Starting To Be Required)

When I finally got my COVID vaccine about 8 months ago, it was honestly such a huge relief. I knew that it didn’t mean the pandemic was over, but it would allow me to have just a little less fear over having a severe case. As much as I hate shots, I couldn’t wait to get this done and I was even looking forward to it. I knew that the original 2 shots might not be enough and that I might need a booster, but at that time I wasn’t too worried about it. I really thought that maybe enough people would be vaccinated that the risk factor would be down significantly by the time boosters were needed.

I may never understand those who refuse to get vaccinated (unless their doctor has told them it is too dangerous to get it). But because the pandemic has continued, booster shots have started to be available. I am in one of the groups that can be vaccinated due to being high-risk and I’ve been eligible for a booster for a little bit now. I’m not really putting it off due to fear, but because I wanted to make sure I didn’t have to worry about work or other conflicts I haven’t gotten it just yet. But I’m working on scheduling a time for my booster soon and I’m glad that I will have even more protection, especially since we are getting into flu season.

And possibly even more than getting a booster, I’m excited that vaccine requirements are starting to become a thing here in LA. My gym is going to start requiring them in 2 weeks. I know there will be people who cannot work out because of the requirement, but those who can’t be vaccinated due to medical reasons understand that. I know there are other people saying this is discrimination and illegal, but if someone chooses to not be vaccinated a business can choose not to serve them. It’s the same idea with masks. I have never understood the accusations that it’s illegal to require masks when businesses have required shoes for as long as I know. Or how they have banned smoking inside. Choosing what you would like to do may have consequences and it’s always been like that.

There are still places I haven’t returned to just because I’m a bit nervous being out in groups if I don’t have to. Once I know that they are requiring vaccines too, I think I’ll start to see what I want to bring back into my life. Having over a year and a half without some of my routines has made me reevaluate what I regularly do. But it also has made me realize how important some things are and how I want to continue to make them a regular part of my life.

To see more and more places understand why requiring vaccines can help their clients makes me so happy. I have never really been fearful working out since returning, but knowing that everyone there will be vaccinated will be just one more thing to make me feel a bit more comfortable. And I know that as soon as I get my booster shot I will feel that way too.

I’ve said this so many times since everything shut down in March 2020, but I do feel like this is another step to normalcy. I know that every time I say this, something else happens so I hope that maybe this time it’s different. But even if it’s doesn’t change the entire world with the pandemic, but maybe at least within my section of the world I feel a bit safer than I do now. And maybe soon other places will be the same and we can finally be past the time where we are all hyper-vigilant with this virus.

Looking Forward To Another Shot (or Ready For A Booster)

As soon as the vaccinations for Covid were announced, I know people were starting to ask if the two shots we’d be getting would be enough. Would there need to be a third shot? Would this become something similar to the flu shot where we get them each year? There were so many questions and I know that there weren’t a lot of answers right away. And I think there were a lot of other things to consider if we would need additional shots, but we were all just so happy to be able to be vaccinated. And even though I hate needles, getting my Covid vaccine was a really happy day for me.

I don’t know how to explain the relief I felt when I got my first vaccine. I knew I wasn’t 100% protected and I still needed my second shot, but just knowing that I was getting closer to the end was the most amazing feeling. And when I got my second shot and was past the 2 weeks of waiting before I was considered fully vaccinated, I was even more hopeful. Because so many people were getting vaccinated so quickly, I thought this summer would be normal. I think so many of us had that thought.

What I didn’t expect was the number of people against the vaccine. I have always known there are people who can’t or don’t vaccinate themselves or their families. But with Covid, since so many people were against masks, I thought they would want to be vaccinated so they could be done with masks. But as we all know, that is not how it went and now we are having a new surge. And even people who have been vaccinated are at risk. Fortunately, it seems like those who are vaccinated are not getting as sick as those who are not, but it doesn’t matter. Being at risk is a scary thing and I think that increased the questions about needing another shot.

And now we all know that people are getting booster shots. And I honesty am so happy to know there is a timeline for getting the next shot. I still hate shots and I know it’s not going to be a fun day for me, but I really want to make sure I stay safe and healthy. I want to feel that same feeling I had earlier this year when I was so relieved and ready to get back to my life. I’m not in the same fear that I was in before getting vaccinated, but I also am limiting what I go out to do and who I see. So I’m just waiting until I can get my next shot. Based on how it is right now, I should be getting my booster in November, so it’s still a bit away. But it’s something to look forward to and hope that maybe the time between now and then will not be as bad as they are now.

Just like how sometimes I surprise myself with how dedicated I am to working out when it was such a struggle for me, I now surprise myself with how much I’m looking forward to getting another vaccine. I don’t care if I pass out hard or just black out a bit like it has been recently. I just want to make sure I do everything I can to not get sick and make sure I can get back to a time where I don’t have to worry about this.

Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different)

For the majority of my life, dating was pretty normal. I know some people might not think of online dating as normal, but it’s common enough that it’s not weird. And until March 2020, I would say that for the most part, my dating life might have been crazy and filled with lots of stories, but it was what I was used to and nothing seemed that strange as far as finding dates and going on them.

As we all know, the pandemic changed so much of that. Meeting in person became risky. Doing virtual dates started to be more popular and the apps created new ways to date without having to leave your home, not just to find dates. And I started to do a lot of phone calls with dates, something I rarely did as an adult. And some of these things are things I’ll probably keep in my dating life because they made some things easier (virtual dates are nice when you don’t have to deal with driving or looking cute below what the camera sees). But it wasn’t perfect either.

Dating needs to involve in-person meetings too. I’ve had too many experiences where things seemed great over text, phone calls, and virtual dates. The conversation flowed and it felt like there was a lot of chemistry. But then when you meet in real life, the chemistry just isn’t there. This isn’t about attraction or something that I might think would grow. There’s just something about chemistry and I can tell if I have an interest in dating someone or not. And it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes the chemistry is platonic and they are just meant to be someone I’m friends with and not someone to date. But it’s still tough when you are so hopeful before a date and then you realize that it’s not what you wanted.

And even in a pandemic, there have been plenty of the same things I’ve always dealt with. I’ve had text conversations with guys and they either unmatch with me without saying anything or just stop responding (and I’ll usually delete those matches after a bit of time). I’ve been ghosted by guys I’ve had in-person dates with. And getting ghosted still hurts. The last guy who ghosted me was someone I was only seeing for a few weeks, but we had fun dates and great conversations. We actually discussed how horrible ghosting is and said that we would tell the other if we didn’t want to see each other again. There were some things about him that I was hesitant about, nothing bad but I know I held back a bit. But after texting to plan our next date, he stopped responding to me and I’m officially ghosted again. I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, but I’ve started to build a bit of a thick skin when it comes to getting ghosted and I have learned how to move past it a bit faster than before. And if someone who ghosted me shows up again (which happens), I know that things can’t just pick up and I can’t guarantee I’d give them another chance.

I had hopes that dating might return to more normalcy now with things reopening. But we know that didn’t really happen since cases are increasing again. And while I’m still more willing to meet in person than I was a year ago, it’s not always easy since a lot of my usual places are closed or have limited availability. And meeting somewhere inside means masks have to be worn, which does make getting to know someone harder. I still wear a mask for safety on dates (although most people now openly share their vaccination status). But it’s been nice when I meet someone outdoors and someplace not too crowded so we can take our masks off if we both feel safe.

And who knows. Maybe dating will never go back to the way it was before 2020. Maybe it will be good and maybe it won’t. All I know is that I will continue to find ways to date (and date safely) because I know more than ever now that I don’t want to always be alone.

Making And Cancelling Plans (or I Know We Are All Trying To Stay Safe)

It’s been a very slow transition back for me, but I’ve slowly been trying to make plans. Some things are not very soon, so I’ve been feeling ok about having plans that aren’t for another month or two. I know that there has been discussion about the fall being worse, but maybe the increase of cases now will get more people vaccinated so the fall won’t have another surge. But nobody can predict what will happen. I honestly thought we wouldn’t have a surge like we are having now. But it only took a few weeks and things are now what they were like when things were much more restrictive all over California. So even when I’ve been making plans lately, they are being made with the assumption that they might have to be canceled.

And that’s exactly what’s happening right now. I had plans for tonight, but those have been postponed since we want to not have to worry as much about if anyone feels unsafe. It’s unfortunate, but I have been starting to think more and more about what risks I would be willing to take. I know that breakthrough cases are rare and when they happen they tend to be mild, but it’s not a guarantee. That can change and breakthrough cases could get worse. And I’ve worked hard for over a year to not get sick and stay healthy. As much as I’m ready for regular life again, it’s not regular times yet and we can’t forget that things aren’t great right now.

And with plans I have coming up being canceled, it’s making me wonder about my birthday this year. It’s coming up and I originally wanted to have some sort of gathering since I miss my friends. I wasn’t going to plan anything too crazy, but maybe a hangout somewhere so people could come and go. And I know I could do something in a park or another public place, but I’m starting to lose a little motivation to plan something this year. It feels weird to be celebrating when it doesn’t feel like a very celebratory time. The 4th of July was different because things were still looking good. Now, I don’t feel the same hope and joy that I felt only a few weeks ago. I’ll still do a few of my usual traditions, but they might be slightly different as they were last year. But right now, I’m really hesitant to plan for much more than that.

I’m not planning for total isolation again and I’m going to have some social time since (at least for now) I’m still able to go to my workout classes. But I’m also not really making the same plans I was trying to make earlier this month. I still have done very few things with friends, but I was at least trying to figure out what we could go do. Now, I feel more like I want to wait and see and make sure I’m not taking risks that seem like just too much right now.

And I know there is no way to predict if things are going to be getting better or worse now, but it’s hard not to fear it will be getting worse. I just have to be hopeful that something will change, people will get vaccinated, and we can really get back to normal and having normal plans again. I know it will happen eventually, but I hope that eventually doesn’t take that much longer. And while we are waiting, I will just have to keep evaluating things and hope that I find enough things that feel safe and allow me to see the people that I’ve missed for way too long.