Tag Archives: isolation

Trying To Prevent Zoom Fatigue (or Not Sure If This Is A Pandemic Problem Or Not)

Posted on September 4, 2020 | Comments Off on Trying To Prevent Zoom Fatigue (or Not Sure If This Is A Pandemic Problem Or Not)

When the pandemic started, so many aspects of life changed quickly. Not all the changes were things that were unfamiliar to us, they might have just been slight changes to things we are used to. For example, standing in line at a grocery store is a change, but not a drastic change. Same with trying to only go to the grocery store once a week (I guess there are some people that always did that, but I wasn’t one of them). Those little changes were odd, but not things that threw me off too much. I might have had a bit more stress and felt panicky over things, but there was enough familiar with it that I felt better. I’m sure a lot of people had to adjust to working from home, but that was the easiest thing for me since I always worked from home. But for my friends who never did, they still had enough familiar things that it didn’t feel that different.

But then there were a lot of things that we never used or didn’t use that often that are now things we use a lot. Netflix Party did exist as a browser extension before the pandemic, but I never used it until we were all isolated. Now, it’s a weekly part of my life and I love it! I can see myself using this for a long time, even after the pandemic is over. And I have only seen Netflix Party as a positive thing. I guess there is a negative with not being able to watch on my tv and having to use my computer, but that’s not a huge negative to me.

And while I have used different forms of video chat in the past, I have never used it as much as I am right now. It is funny how Zoom became the default video chat service when there are so many others that have been used before. But Zoom is now almost the generic name for doing a video chat, no matter what the platform is (Zoom is like Xerox now). I know I’m not on Zoom calls as often as many people are, but I’m on them at least once or twice a week. And honestly, being on video calls that often does stress me out a bit. I have no clue how my friends who work 9-5 jobs that have to be on Zoom calls the entire time do it.

A friend of mine who was posting about Zoom fatigue (which is a real thing) was explaining why Zoom calls are so much more exhausting than in-person meetings. When you are on a Zoom call, you have no clue if someone is watching you. You don’t know if someone has their screen in speaker view or gallery view. You don’t know if they are focusing on your video or someone else’s. And always feeling like you might be watched but never knowing is so tiring and a big reason behind Zoom fatigue.

For a long time, I have covered up my webcam. I do this for a few reasons. I don’t want to accidentally turn on my webcam if I don’t want to be on video. I know that some people can hack into them (although I do have security measures on my wifi, you never know), and covering my webcam was something I saw in paperwork for my business insurance. I used to just use a little piece of a post-it note to cover it. I never really used my webcam so the post-it was on there for a long time. And if I did use my webcam, I would just cut down a new piece to replace it. Before the pandemic, I think I would use my webcam maybe once every 2-3 months.

But now, I use it all the time. And I wanted to be able to cover my webcam for the security measures that I was worried about before but I also wanted to cover it for Zoom calls. I know you can turn off video on Zoom, but if I’m going to be jumping in and out as a speaker in a call, it’s just easier for me to cover my camera and not to turn it on and off a lot. So I started looking into better ways to cover the camera than a piece of paper. And fortunately, my search was over almost as soon as it started when I saw there was a cheap and simple solution.

I didn’t realize that webcam slide covers were common and popular. On Amazon, there are dozens of listings for them. And they are pretty much all the same. The differences seem to be either if they are black versus color or how many sliders are in a package. I picked one that had a few sliders in it in case I made a mistake putting it on my laptop or if I ever had to take it off and put a new one on. But so far, I have only needed to use one of them. It was super easy to put on my computer and it doesn’t affect being able to close my laptop or anything else.

So now, when I’m on Zoom calls and don’t want to be watched (like if I’m eating or moving around my house), I can just put the slider over my camera and my screen on Zoom is dark. I’m still listed as a video call, but you don’t see any video. It’s such a simple solution for this problem and I’ve found that it makes my Zoom calls much easier to tolerate. I don’t feel like I’m being watched or that someone is judging me when I’m not the speaker. I feel like I have a bit more privacy while on calls. And it does all the security protections that I had with a post-it note but is much easier to use.

I have no clue if Zoom calls will be this popular for longer than the pandemic, but I know that I’ll be dealing with them for a long time. So I’m glad I have something I can use to try to keep Zoom fatigue to a minimum.

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Default ThumbnailVirtual Memorial Day (or Doing The Best We Can For Now) Default ThumbnailFriends Are The Best Mood Booster (or The Difference A Day Makes) Default ThumbnailAnother Virtual Friend Hangout (or Trying Not To Miss A Summer Tradition Too Much) Default ThumbnailOfficially Getting A New Cousin (or A Zoom Wedding) Default ThumbnailStill Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things) Default ThumbnailDealing With Heat And Humidity (or I’m Very Lucky The Pandemic Didn’t Happen A Few Years Ago)

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Still Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things)

Posted on September 2, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things)

My last “normal” date was at the beginning of this year. I actually don’t remember what my last date was before the pandemic really hit here, but I know that it had to be before March. Everything changed in LA in the middle of March. And since then, I’ve been trying to figure out what it means to be single and dating during this time.

Even though I wouldn’t say I’m an expert at dating (nor do I really want to be considered one), I had a pretty great routine that I had when I matched with someone. I had no fear of asking to meet up for coffee or a drink quickly. I had a lot of places that I felt safe to go for a first meeting. And I’ve slowly gotten better at not tolerating bad dates and finding a way to leave if I really had no interest in talking to the guy anymore. And then when everything changed, I had to figure out what to do if I was going to still try to be active on dating apps.

I’ve been trying lots of new things like doing video dates or trying to have socially distant dates. I’ve been messaging with guys significantly longer than I’m used to. Before, I liked to try to set up an in-person date quickly as figuring out if there is chemistry in person is so important. I don’t like days or weeks or texting only to be disappointed that when I meet them I don’t want to date them. And I only remember one guy that I spoke to on the phone before meeting him for the first time before the pandemic. I’m not a big phone person, and I don’t like to give out my number before I meet someone in real life (now, most apps have voice calling within the app so that solves that problem).

There have been a few guys that I have been talking to for a little bit of time. Some of them I know that I am only talking to them because of the current situation and I don’t think I would want to date them (some of them I have been honest with this about and we both agree that we are just being pen pals for now). Some of them seem to have potential and then they fade away. Usually, I get annoyed when I’m messaging with a guy and he stops messaging back, but I’m a bit more patient now. I’m not necessarily unmatching with guys as quickly as I used to for lack of communication. I know that it’s a weird time and maybe dating has to take a bit of a backseat.

And if there is someone I actually would want to meet with in person, there are so many things to consider now that I never had to think about before. I have to figure out good places to meet up with them that are not only in public but also open (since bars aren’t open) and allow us to be a bit distant but still able to have a real conversation. Parks seem to be a safe option, but some parks have been getting crowded since it’s one of the few places that are open and outdoors so a lot of people go there.

And even after deciding to meet up with someone in person and finding a safe place to go, it can all be brought to a halt if they discover that they have been around someone who is a suspected COVID case. And that’s what recently happened with a date I was planning. We had everything set to meet up, and then that day he let me know that he just found out that he had been around someone who might have been exposed to COVID. Even though it was not a direct exposure, he had been distant around that person and not right next to them, and nobody had been diagnosed; it still seemed best to cancel our meeting. I don’t want to put myself at risk and he didn’t want to get me sick either. So the hangout was canceled and that was that for the day. Fortunately, the suspected COVID case did not have COVID. Everything is ok, but it was still a huge reality check.

I don’t know how to be safe and date these days. I guess the safest thing would be to not date, which is what I’ve been doing since March. And I have said that this is the lost year so maybe I just won’t be able to date until things are safe again. But that might be a year away still, so I have to figure out what I can do and still be safe. I don’t think anyone really knows the answer to this because you can be super safe and it’s not a guarantee that nobody will get sick. You really have to trust the other person to be safe and not around other people without a mask, and that trust is hard to have when it’s with someone you don’t really know.

Figuring out how to date these days is something a lot of my single friends have been trying to do. For the first few months, I think all of us were ok with the idea of taking a break from dating until things are safe. I doubt any of us expected to still be in this situation 6 months later. There are so many things about being safe during this time that are so hard, so I understand the desire to want to still date and try to find your person. But nobody has dated during a pandemic prior to this time so figuring out how to do it is something that is a big unknown that all of us are figuring out together.

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I Feel Like Every Monthly Challenge Is The Same (or Will This Be The Month I Get Back On Track?)

Posted on September 1, 2020 | Comments Off on I Feel Like Every Monthly Challenge Is The Same (or Will This Be The Month I Get Back On Track?)

The longer we are told to stay at home, the harder I’m finding it to figure out new monthly challenges. My life seems stagnant. I don’t feel like anything in my life is moving forward. I’m trapped in this moment of time and nothing is changing. I know I’m not alone in this feeling, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with. I’ve said that this year is going to be the lost year. I have to understand that I might not accomplish much at all this year. But if not accomplishing much means I stay safe and healthy, it’s worth it.

Most of my monthly challenges lately have been about trying to stay positive in this difficult time. And that’s exactly what last month’s challenge was all about. I wanted to try to focus on the good and track good things that happen to me each day. I know I need to remember that even on my worst day, there is something that was good about it. It might be something as small as eating something I like or being able to watch a good show on tv. But no matter what, there is always some good every single day.

I wasn’t sure how I would track these things, but it ended up just being easiest to combine it with my gratitude list that I made each night. I made sure that at least one thing listed on the gratitude list was something that made the day good. And there were some days that I had really good things like being able to see a friend or having an amazing workout. And there were plenty of days where the only good thing was that I slept ok or that I didn’t do something destructive. August wasn’t a horrible month for me, but it was still a tough one and I needed to make sure that I didn’t make things worse for me by forgetting the good that I had.

I’m planning on continuing this idea because I know that with each month that passes with the pandemic still being a huge concern, I’m feeling more and more disconnected from my life and what I have liked to do in the past. And I need to be reminded that things are not all bad and that there are some things from my life that I am still enjoying or that are good.

My monthly challenges for the past 6 months have all been along the same line. My motivation to do a lot of things isn’t that high right now, so I am trying to find challenges that aren’t too difficult to accomplish. And I try to find things that I know I need to do, especially with the setbacks that I’ve been encountering while staying at home.

And this month’s challenge is no different. I know I’m not on track with so many aspects of my life. I have been letting things go, ignoring stuff I should focus on, and haven’t been caring enough about things that I used to care about. Some of this is about my health and weight. My workouts haven’t been what I know they should be. My food is much worse than it’s been in a while. My sleep is still tough at times and I’m sometimes having a week or two with under 4 hours a sleep a night. And some of these things about my physical health is taking a toll on my mental health so I’m not focusing on doing things that I know will make me happy.

So this month, I want to work on getting back on track. I need to figure out a schedule for myself, even if I don’t have much to do. I need to prioritize myself more and to make sure that I’m setting myself up for things that will be positive for me. I need to get my food under control (or at least more regular). And I need to push myself harder in my workouts when I can.

I have gained weight in the past 6 months. I’m not happy about it. I don’t feel like myself. I hate that my clothes don’t fit me correctly. I feel like I have ruined so much that I have worked so hard for. I know that weight is not everything, but I want to get back to a place where I feel like myself, and I know weight is something holding me back. And hopefully getting myself back on track with other things will result in at least a little weight loss. I’m not too concerned about getting back into weight loss more than getting myself back to where I was at the beginning of the year. If I lose more than that, then I do. But that’s not the goal I’m giving myself right now.

Hopefully, focusing on the things that have been getting out of control will result in a lot of good things for me. And maybe it will make things easier for whenever we start transitioning back to what life was life at the beginning of the year. I know that eventually, that will happen and I want to make that as easy as a switch as possible. And if I can get my life to feel close to what it used to feel like, then I think that will be an easy change for me when it happens.

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Getting Ready For A Fun Rewatch (or More Netflix Parties)

Posted on August 27, 2020 | Comments Off on Getting Ready For A Fun Rewatch (or More Netflix Parties)

I’ve been running a Netflix Party for one of the Facebook groups for a while now. Like I’ve said, having these twice a week have been a great thing for me. They are helping me feel like I’m being social and doing a communal thing with others. It’s helping me keep a regular schedule and have things to look forward to. And I also have gotten to know the women from this Facebook group even better now that we have this mini-group and we are texting with each other for a few hours a week.

It’s pretty simple to run the group. The only thing that can be tough is to make sure we have enough movies to vote on for our Saturday movies. But I just take a little bit of time each week to do a search on Netflix for any new movies that might be available and then another member from the group checks to make sure they are also available in Canada (since we have a few Canadian members). Picking movies is easy once we have the list since we have learned how to do polls directly in our message group. And just like having these Netflix Party nights is adding a routine to my life, so is working on the movie list and selecting the next movie.

On Wednesdays, we watch a tv show. It started as movies on Wednesdays, but we quickly switched to working through a tv show as it seemed like a lot of people wanted to do that. We decided to watch “Schitt’s Creek” as our first tv show and we finished the first 5 seasons last week. The 6th and final season isn’t going to be on Netflix for another month or so, but we will be watching that season when it is available.

Since we finished a tv series (or as much of the series that we can watch now), we had to do a vote for a new show. So I spent a few days collecting nominations for shows that the group wanted to watch, we did our Canada check, and we put it up for a vote. And while there were a lot of shows that people seemed to be excited about, the clear winner was “The Good Place”.

I love “The Good Place”. It was a show that I watched every week while it was on tv. I thought it was one of the best shows that I’ve seen and it was written so beautifully. There are twists in the show and those twists made things even more amazing. Nothing in the show seemed to be done to get ratings or attention. Every episode was deliberate and thought out, and that’s why I think they ended after only 4 seasons. That was the story that the creator of the show wanted to tell and they didn’t add more just to make more episodes (and make more money). I respect that idea a lot and it just added to what I loved about the show.

I know the show pretty well and there won’t be any surprises for me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy it less. I think knowing how the show ends will make me watch all the episodes in a new light. And there are members of the group who will be watching that have not seen the show and I’m so excited to see their reactions to things that shocked me.

This Netflix Party group has become a big part of my quarantined life. I know that even if the pandemic ended by some miracle tomorrow that we would still figure out how to watch movies or a tv show together. We might not do it as often as we do now, but I have a feeling that this routine will be a part of our lives for a while. And maybe one day in the future, we will find a way to all meet up somewhere and we can do a movie night together in person.

I never thought a virtual movie/tv viewing group would be so important to me. But I guess that’s one of the things that this pandemic is making us realize. We are seeing what we don’t miss from our old lives, what we miss a lot, and what new things can bring a lot of happiness and joy to our lives.

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Default ThumbnailSo Many Virtual Movie Nights (or Thank Goodness For Technology) Default ThumbnailEnjoying Movie Nights (or Watching My Screeners) Default ThumbnailFinding A Social Life Where I Can (or Virtual Parties and Distance Hangouts) Default ThumbnailAnother Netflix Night (or A Comedy Panel) Default ThumbnailNetflix Luncheon (or Rebels and Rule Breakers) Default ThumbnailAnother “Gilmore Girls” Adventure (or Netflix FYSee)

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Dealing With Heat And Humidity (or I’m Very Lucky The Pandemic Didn’t Happen A Few Years Ago)

Posted on August 25, 2020 | Comments Off on Dealing With Heat And Humidity (or I’m Very Lucky The Pandemic Didn’t Happen A Few Years Ago)

Every summer, LA has at least 1 heatwave. Lately, it’s been a heatwave that also is muggy weather. We don’t have humidity like a lot of the country does, but it gets a lot muggier than normal (for example, the past week or so has been 70% humidity). It’s not comfortable weather to be outside in. Fortunately, right now I’m not doing a lot outside. I’m staying home as much as I can and only leaving on a rare occasion. Most of those times going out of my house is to run an errand (like this week I need to get a prescription at the hospital that can’t be mailed). I’ve only had a few fun outings in the past 5 or so months.

I am glad I’m not outside working or doing anything too crazy. I know this weather makes me pretty miserable. My body hates it a lot too. I’m going back and forth on if I’m happy that I’m pretty much stuck at home and going out isn’t really an option. I do wish that I could go out to do some things because in a normal heatwave I usually go to a few places that have a/c. Like going to the studio to do my workouts. I miss that so much, and I miss it more and more as time passes. They have a/c during the workouts so going out to do that is always easy. Same with going out to dinner at a restaurant. Even sitting outside is sometimes not as hot as the normal weather because you have some of the a/c from inside coming out to a patio.

I’m lucky while dealing with this weather. For a long time, I didn’t have a/c in my house. I only got it a few years ago. And that was a game-changer for me. My house likes to hold in heat, and even when it was cool (and not muggy) outside in the summer, my house didn’t like to cool down. There were so many nights I went to bed and inside my house, it was 90 degrees. And working from home during the summer was miserable. I had a lot of fans going, I would be sitting on ice packs, and I still would feel sick from how hot it was. There were days where I know it was over 100 degrees inside, and one time I remember it was about 110 while I was working inside my house.

My a/c doesn’t work as well as central air would or if I had a/c in more rooms. It does make a huge difference but there are still several nights I go to bed and my bedroom is 85 degrees. But I know it would be so much worse without it. And even when it’s not super hot, with the mugginess the a/c does an amazing job with make things more comfortable inside. I know I could get a dehumidifier, but I also don’t need to get a new thing in my house. 75 degrees with 70 humidity feels a lot worse than 77 degrees with significantly less humidity. So I will run my a/c to get the mugginess out of the house.

Even though I normally am home a lot, I have never run my a/c quite this much. I am a little worried about how my electricity bill will look next time, but I also know that I’m not doing this for silly reasons. I do try to turn it off when I can. I have started to sleep with the a/c on (which is something I used to never do) because I was waking up and it would be almost 90 degrees in my house. My house just has the weirdest insulation that makes it retain heat like no other place I have lived.

But I am grateful for the little a/c unit. I can’t imagine being stuck at home without a/c. I don’t know how my neighbors do it. Maybe they aren’t as sensitive to the heat as I am. But I feel like if I’m going to be stuck at home, I at least want to be comfortable. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I hope that we aren’t still struggling to overcome this pandemic as much when it’s winter, but I do know I can deal with the cold a lot more than I can deal with the heat. But I hope that when the weather cools down and it’s nicer to be outside that I can be outside a bit more and do some things outside of the walls of my home.

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Default ThumbnailHeat and Hormones (or Not Letting Cravings Take Over) Default ThumbnailHating The Heat (or Again, My Body Is Lying) Default ThumbnailOut Of The Heat (or Finally Getting A/C!) Default ThumbnailTen Years Ago (or Another Big Milestone) Default ThumbnailA Disney Morning (or Dealing With The Heat For One Ride) Default ThumbnailHeat Wave In LA (or Another Post About The Heat)

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Trying To Not Let My Stress Get To Me (or Continuing To Find Ways To Cope With Isolation)

Posted on August 14, 2020 | Comments Off on Trying To Not Let My Stress Get To Me (or Continuing To Find Ways To Cope With Isolation)

I feel like I keep repeating myself with how hard it is to be isolated. I’m 5 months into this and I’ve probably seen friends/family only 5 times since then. Even though I’m not the most social person, I need more social time than just once a month. I am trying to use this time to understand how my personal mix of being an introvert and extrovert works. But I’m done with that experiment in my mind and I’m ready to apply what I’ve learned.

I want to go out and do more, but I’m so terrified of getting sick. I’m stuck in this weird space of not wanting to put my life on hold but also not wanting to risk my life. I have had friends get sick and are still dealing with health issues months later. I have friends who have lost friends, family, and significant others. This is a serious virus and it should not be taken lightly. And for a while, I have been doing everything I can to never leave my house. I’m still rarely leaving my house, but I’m trying to get out at least once a week just to feel like I’m not trapped inside 24/7.

I’ve done a lot of things over the past 5 months to try to make this time as low-stress as possible. And I know that some of those things have worked because I believe I would be doing much worse now if I had done nothing. And I try to continue doing those things like having a regular schedule and trying to do some tasks every day. But I also know it’s not enough.

I’ve seen several articles about low-grade depression, especially after Michelle Obama said that she has been dealing with it during the pandemic. The more I read about it, the more I think so many of us are experiencing that right now. Low energy or motivation, sleep issues, fatigue, trouble focusing or concentrating, lack of enjoyment with things that used to bring joy. Those all sound very familiar to me. And along with low-grade depression, I know that can bring extra stress. You can be stressed about the symptoms. You can be stressed about how to make yourself feel better. You can be stressed about if you need to get more help or not.

I’m not letting myself stress about if I need more help or not. That is the one I have a clear idea of. But I have been stressed about my symptoms and how to make myself better. And it’s an evil cycle because I want to feel better and then it’s frustrating when something doesn’t work and I have to keep trying to figure out new ideas. But that’s the cycle I’m stuck in for now. I need to find ways to be happy and bring joy into my life right now. When something doesn’t work, it brings me down. Fortunately, it’s not always testing things that don’t work and I have found a few things that have helped. But I know now that I will keep having to find new things the longer this goes on. What brought me joy in March and April might not be doing it for me anymore. This is a continuous thing I have to work on and that’s exactly what I have been doing. Hopefully, soon I’ll figure out the next thing so I can bring my stress down a bit again.

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Default ThumbnailTrusting It Will Be Ok (or Dealing With Stress In A Healthy Way) Default ThumbnailShowing My Stress (or Hoping Things Will Get Better Now) Default ThumbnailAdding A Little Control In My Life (or Finding Little Ways To Be Helpful) Default ThumbnailContinuing To Support My Friend’s Place (or Learning New Ways To Help Others) Default ThumbnailFinding My Strength (or Continuing To Find New Ways To Push Myself) Default ThumbnailContinuing To Find Ways To Be Creative (or Podcasts and Online Shows)

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A Quarantine Birthday (or Just A Normal Sunday)

Posted on August 12, 2020 | Comments Off on A Quarantine Birthday (or Just A Normal Sunday)

My birthday was this past Sunday. I’m a big birthday person and love to be able to celebrate my birthday and other’s birthdays. I’m not always great about planning birthday parties for myself, but I usually do at least something around my birthday to celebrate. And this year, I was hoping to do the same.

When the safer at home orders started, nobody expected it to last this long. I remember earlier this summer they were saying that things would start reopening up and being safe by the 4th of July. And when I heard that, I started thinking about what I might want to do for my birthday. I wasn’t thinking of planning anything big, but I started to think about if I wanted to do another night at a bar or something like that. But I didn’t start planning anything because I knew things could change and I didn’t want to plan something that wouldn’t be able to happen.

And some restaurants are open for outdoor eating and other public places that are open outdoors, but for the most part, things are still closed. And I didn’t want to do a distant hangout at a park with a lot of friends or something like that. So I realized by July that I most likely wouldn’t be doing anything for my birthday. I do have something still planned for later this week (and hopefully that won’t change), but nothing really like I’m used to.

So on my actual birthday, things weren’t that different from most of my Sundays. I did laundry. I cleaned my house and did other chores. I wrote a blog post. I tried to make a plan for things for the week. Nothing exciting at all. I did order delivery food, which is something I’m trying to do less often, so that was something special. And of course, I got a lot of texts, messages on social media, and phone calls from family and friends.

I think my favorite call was from my brother and sister-in-law because it was a FaceTime call with Rory! He seemed very interested in the phone and I think he could tell it was a person on the screen. He kept coming really close to the phone and it felt like Attack of the 50 Foot Baby!

That was so much fun and I loved getting to see my nephew! It made me smile and made the day feel special. And it did help to break up a day that didn’t feel that different from most of my Sundays. And my Sundays don’t feel that different from most of my days except for some of the chores I do on Sundays only. So anything to make the day feel different is a big treat and makes me very happy.

I had a friend ask me if I feel any different being 37 than I did being 36, and honestly, I don’t. I don’t normally feel different, but this year feels even more the same as always. I joked that I feel the same as I did back in March because it doesn’t seem like life as moved since safer at home started. I feel like my life has paused and nothing has progressed. And in some ways, that’s true. I don’t hate getting older, but in some ways, I do wish that I could have paused my age this year too.

For about half of being 36, I couldn’t do much of what I wanted to do with my life. I feel like that was lost and wasted time. I know I can’t judge myself against who I used to be before the pandemic, but it’s still hard. So I’m trying to just appreciate what I did get done while I was 36. And as far as what I plan on doing while I’m 37, my main focus is staying healthy. And that probably means staying home by myself a lot. But losing this time means I will be alive in the future. And that’s what’s most important. And hopefully, things will be better before I turn 38 and I can accomplish some great things this year.

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Default ThumbnailAlmost The End Of A Decade For Me (or The Birthday Countdown Has Begun) Default ThumbnailAlmost Getting My Lazy Birthday (or Staying In And Staying Busy) Default ThumbnailGoing Back To Normal (or An Early End To My Birthday Adventures) Default ThumbnailAlmost Free Birthday Dinner (or Spending My Birthday With My Birthday Twin) Default ThumbnailBirthday Beauty Discounts (or Making My Birthday Last The Entire Month) Default ThumbnailContinuing The Birthday Celebrations (or A Birthday Twin Adventure)

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Doing A Health Check-In On Myself (or Seeing Where I’m Slipping)

Posted on July 30, 2020 | Comments Off on Doing A Health Check-In On Myself (or Seeing Where I’m Slipping)

I think it’s a pretty common thing right not to be struggling. We are going through a pandemic and life is so uncertain. People are scared of getting sick or being a carrier and getting someone they love sick. They are lonely at home or if they live with others unable to take time for themselves. Our routines are completely different and it’s hard to figure out a sense of normalcy. Almost everyone I know (at least in the US where the pandemic is still hitting us hard) is struggling with food or weight. I don’t know anyone who says they are doing just as great as they were before.

Struggling sucks. Even when you know that you aren’t alone in the struggle, it doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. And I know that I’m struggling right now. There’s no question about it. I’ve written about different struggles I’ve been having and I think that having an outlet to write about it has helped. But it hasn’t made it go away.

I want to say that I am ok and nobody should worry about me. I’m safe, I’m healthy, and I’m going to be ok. I am not worried about myself or if I’ll be ok because I know I will be. I just sometimes struggle randomly or my brain doesn’t want to remember that this time is temporary and eventually it will be done.

But even though I’m ok, that doesn’t mean I’m ok every day. I don’t believe that I have depression, but I know I have symptoms of being depressed. I am not enjoying some of the things that I know make me happy. There have been days that I wished I could just sleep away the day and thought maybe somehow the next day would be more interesting (even though my days don’t have much variety). I deal with loneliness a lot. The lack of physical contact or touch with others is a big struggle. I crave some of my normal life back and that’s just not possible.

I am working on being more social with friends and family in ways that I can be safely social. But even when I’ve had weeks where I was talking to someone on the phone or had a Zoom hang out almost every day, I still feel lonely. Being alone in my house isn’t easy. If I lived somewhere bigger, I might have asked a friend if they wanted to stay with me during this time so we didn’t have to be alone. But that’s not exactly an option for me right now. And I don’t know if seeing a friend from a distance is going to be enough for me. I know it helps because it has given me a boost when I have done it. But I also wonder if I won’t get the same boost now as I did before because I’m struggling more.

And I know my physical health is struggling too. This time is exceptionally hard for anyone with an eating disorder. I know I’ve gained weight in the past few months. Some of it is possibly stress-related, but I also know that I haven’t been eating the way that I should and my workouts aren’t as hard as they normally are. So it would make sense that I would gain weight. But I hate it. I feel really uncomfortable in my body right now. I want to get my weight back to where it was. I would prefer to work on losing weight again, but just to get back to where I was in March would be so nice. I’m trying to do the right things to get myself back on track, but then I slip up. This feels so much harder than any other time with my eating disorder and I wish I could figure out what I need to do to start getting back to the old me.

I remember seeing something on social media about how we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves now to ourselves before the pandemic started. We aren’t the same people that we were before. We are dealing with things that we never have had to go through. We are trying to live our lives through a pandemic and it’s a mix of normal life and everything being crazy. Struggling right now is normal. And it’s also normal to reach out for help. I have reached out to my therapist to make sure that I shouldn’t be worried about how I’m struggling. And I’ve been told that I’m doing ok, but if I feel like I need some help then we can discuss medication. I don’t want to go that route yet (just because of how often I deal with side effects), but I’m glad it is an option I can explore if I feel like I need it.

Hopefully writing this all down is going to help me feel a bit better about things. I can tell that it does feel like a bit of the weight holding me down has been lifted. I don’t know if this post will help me find a way back to the old me or a way to get back on track, but right now all I want to get to is to feel like I’m not struggling as much. It’s a small goal, but it would make me feel so much better.

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Default ThumbnailHealth and Not Weight Loss (or My Current Game Plan) Default ThumbnailHope And Health (or I Don’t Have The Motivation To Do A Bigger Challenge) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress) Default ThumbnailMental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never) Default ThumbnailA Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In) Default ThumbnailAn Easy Therapist Check-In (or Virtual Appointments Make Things Easier)

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Feeling Like I Have Nothing To Say (or I Can’t Let This Isolate Me More)

Posted on July 28, 2020 | Comments Off on Feeling Like I Have Nothing To Say (or I Can’t Let This Isolate Me More)

I’ve written on here about not having much to say. I have worried about running out of ideas for blog posts and if I should take a break. Fortunately, I haven’t run into that problem just yet, but I have come close. There have been plenty of times I have worried about what I would write until the last minute. Or I just write about not having anything to say. My life is pretty boring these days. Some days I work for an hour (although I might be getting a few more hours soon). Some days I exercise. Some days I watch movies on a streaming service. I don’t have much else going on in my life. I don’t think many people who are single and living alone have a lot of other stuff happening, so I know I’m not alone in this.

I really thought running out of things to write on here would be the biggest issue about being bored or not having much going on in my life. I don’t like being bored, but it doesn’t really affect anyone else as long as I’m safe and healthy. But I didn’t think of other things that being bored and having nothing happening could lead to until recently.

We are over 4 months into things and I think some things are only just hitting me now. When the safer at home orders started, I think we all had a few reactions right away. Most of us probably thought this would be over within a month or two. I know I thought that. I was so sure that by the start of summer things would be somewhat normal again. And the other thought a lot of us had was a sense of fear or panic and we were just very worried about what would happen. I had that feeling too. The stress of what would or could happen was a bit overwhelming. Now that things are a bit more routine or normal (or as normal as isolating at home can be), I don’t have that same fear any more. I do still worry about what would happen if I got sick because I do live alone. But that’s also why I am being extra cautious and really don’t leave my house at all.

Now, I have no clue how much longer this safer at home idea will last. If I’m being realistic, I think we will be doing this until there is a vaccine (so until next year at least). I think there is a chance that it will take until next summer for things to be somewhat normal. And while that does suck, sacrificing one year of my life for being alive for hopefully another 50 years is worth it. So I’m just dealing with this and taking things day by day.

I’m not used to physical isolation and I think this will always be a struggle. Humans are not meant to be without any touch. But I have accepted that this is going to be this way for a while. But I have tried to not isolate myself socially. There are so many ways to stay in touch with people while not being with them. I’ve been doing a lot of Zoom hangouts and virtual movie nights. And those help some. Especially the virtual movie nights because that does give me something to talk about. But I’m starting to realize that running out of things to say isn’t just limited to this blog.

In normal times, I either talk on the phone or text with friends and family every day. But now, I’m not doing that too often. I do call my parents whenever I have a specific question about something or have something to update them on. But that’s not as often as I normally talk to them. And when I do have something to update them on (like the union election), they usually will ask me at some point if there is anything else happening. And the answer is pretty much no. I don’t have anything happening. And that’s ok because it’s what is keeping me safe and healthy to the best of my ability. And I know my parents are happy that I’m not going out and doing lots of stuff because they have the same fear as I do about if I got sick while living alone. And the same issue happens with my friends. I usually am trying to plan random outings and now there is nothing happening. I might do a socially distanced hangout at the park in the next week or two, but that’s still up in the air. And it doesn’t take the same type of planning as a Disney day does. So I’m not talking to my friends much right now either. Because how many times can you say “I’m bored doing nothing”?

I know I’ve been doing this for the past few months, but it’s only been hitting me a lot the past few weeks. I have realized how little I’ve reached out to my friends because I don’t have much to say. I feel bad complaining when I know I’m much luckier than some of my friends. And I worry that I will sound so negative and I don’t like being that way. That’s not an excuse to not reach out to people, but it’s the excuse I’ve been making to myself. I don’t know how to fix it, but I need to. Because I can’t isolate myself more and more.

I need to get over my fears of not having anything to say or contribute to a conversation. I need to reach out so I don’t feel more isolated than I do already. It’s not easy, but it’s something that I’m trying to work on now.

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Default ThumbnailBeing Ok With Being Bored (or This Is Harder Than I Thought) Default ThumbnailFeeling Sick Just Isn’t Fun (or I Was Already Doing Nothing) Default ThumbnailCelebrating A Friend’s Birthday (or Not Letting Feeling Gross Stop Me From Being Social) Default ThumbnailFeeling Blindsided (or Being Tricked Into Believing Some People Are Good) Default ThumbnailFeeling Like I Worked Hard (or At Least I’m More Used To This) Default ThumbnailFeeling So Much Love (or Embarrassed By People Complimenting Me)

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LA Is Shut Down Again (or Somehow This Makes Me Feel Better)

Posted on July 15, 2020 | Comments Off on LA Is Shut Down Again (or Somehow This Makes Me Feel Better)

On Monday, it was announced that California was going to be shutting down some public spaces again. And several counties, including Los Angeles, were going to shut down even more things than what was being done throughout the state. A lot of things on the shutdown list were things that I didn’t know if they had opened at all in LA (like movie theaters or indoor restaurant seating). But there were some things that I know had reopened that were closing again. Mainly gyms and personal care places (nails, waxing, hair salons).

I haven’t been going to any of the places that are being shut down. For the most part, the only places I have gone in the past 4 months have been grocery or drug stores to get things I need or to doctor and dentist appointments. I haven’t gone anywhere for fun or entertainment. I haven’t been out and enjoying the city even as things reopened. And I’ve been having very mixed feelings about pretty much being a shut-in inside my house.

I know that the virus is serious and needs to be taken seriously. This is not something that isn’t a big deal or as simple as the flu. Even if you have a mild case or no symptoms, there is nothing known about the long-term effects. And from what the research has shown so far, it does appear that there are long-term effects and people might have health issues in the future. But we won’t know until it happens. So I am staying home to stay healthy and make sure that I don’t get sick. For me, it is more about keeping myself safe than protecting others since I don’t really interact with anyone else. But to keep me healthy is a good reason to be home. And I do take every precaution when I go out in public. I wear a mask. I stay away from others. I keep a distance. I don’t do anything that isn’t necessary.

But as things were reopening, I was starting to worry that I was using the virus as a reason to isolate myself from others for another reason. I don’t know why I would be isolating myself, but it was starting to feel like I was doing that. I saw people posting about going out still keeping a distance from others while being out of their homes. People have been going to parks, doing more than just the essential errands, and starting to live their lives again. I was worried that I was too scared to do all of that and what it meant for me. I don’t want to pick up new habits that make me not want to go out and be around others when it seems safe to do so.

And I still don’t know if that was the right choice or not then, but now I feel a bit better about my decisions since things were shut down. Nobody is really going out and doing much anymore. I know we need to do this because the numbers are rising again and we cannot just sit around and hope we don’t get sick. We need to take steps to make sure we aren’t getting sick and a big part of that is having a safer at home order. Things aren’t as strict as they were in the beginning, but they are stricter than what they were a week or two again. To me, it doesn’t really make much of a difference unless they decide that dental offices have to fully close because I still need to go back to finish my appointment.

With things shut down, I no longer have to think about if I want to try to leave my house and do something. I am just going to stay home and keep myself safe. And hopefully either this closing will bring the numbers back down or something else will happen that will help keep us safe and healthy. I am ready for things to be open again and to be able to feel safe to be out and around others. But we are not there yet and I’m not willing to rush things and take a chance. Waiting until things are safe isn’t easy or fun, but it does seem to be the right decision for me.

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