Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Vaccine Envy Is Real (or Trying To Stay Positive)

Posted on February 25, 2021 | Comments Off on Vaccine Envy Is Real (or Trying To Stay Positive)

The other day on the news, they were talking about people experiencing vaccine envy. This is when you are upset that you haven’t been vaccinated when others have and you may do things that aren’t the best to try to get vaccinated sooner. Some people have tried to lie about their age or job in order to be vaccinated in a higher-risk group. Others have tried to bribe doctors to let them cut the line.

And there are some legitimate ways to jump the line if you have the time and ability to do so. Most places will have leftover doses at the end of the day. They have to use up all the doses in a vial because they cannot be put back in the freezer. So different states have organized different ways to be on a waitlist or standby list for those extra doses at the end of the day. Los Angeles doesn’t have a great system for this, but it’s still possible to be lined up for the chance at an early vaccine. A friend of mine did that and waited outside in a line all day and was one of the lucky few toward the front of the line that got a vaccine that day.

I have no problem with the standby lines since it is better to see the vaccine go to someone who wants it than to throw doses away. But I do see that it can be a privilege to be able to wait in line all day. Other states have online lists you can join and you are notified if there are extra doses. And maybe LA will do that soon. But for now, I can’t take a day off work to wait in line and I’m ok waiting my turn.

Hopefully, my turn for a vaccine will be soon. There are two ways I should be eligible for a vaccine in March. But getting an appointment for a vaccine is still tough to find here and because one is based on a medical condition, there aren’t a lot of things out there about how to get an appointment. I called my hospital and they don’t have a policy in place just yet. But they told me to keep checking the recorded phone line and to call when I hear of a way I could get my appointment set up. I don’t blame anyone for the confusion about the next round of appointments for people who are eligible. It’s confusing for everyone and I know everyone involved is trying their best with the information they have at the moment. And that information changes often.

And while I don’t have vaccine envy the way that some people do with trying to find any way to get a vaccine, I know I do have a form of vaccine envy. Or maybe it could be a lack of concern about the pandemic envy. For almost a year, I have rarely left my house and rarely seen anyone in person. I have been taking so many precautions to not get sick. And while I’m so grateful I have physically stayed healthy, mentally this time has been so hard on me. And I wish I could be someone who wasn’t always in fear of getting sick. I wish I didn’t stress out about seeing friends because they might not be taking the same precautions as I am. I miss having a life outside of the walls of my house. And in a way, I’m jealous of people who don’t care. I know that caring about being safe is important and if more people did that then maybe things wouldn’t be as bad. But it’s still hard to not be jealous of those who don’t care and haven’t had to give up their life for almost a year.

But I know this time is temporary. I will get a vaccine. Hopefully, it’s next month, but even if it isn’t, I will be getting one eventually. And I am luckier than most because I will be eligible in one of the next groups. It’s just a matter of time for when I get an appointment. And I know that getting a vaccine won’t fix everything or make it completely safe for me. But it will take the edge off of my fear and I won’t have to worry as much about COVID killing me. And having even a little of my fear go away is something I can’t wait for and is giving a little hope even when I’m having darker moments.

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Thoughts Almost A Year Into The Pandemic (or Things Still Seem So Weird)

Posted on February 19, 2021 | Comments Off on Thoughts Almost A Year Into The Pandemic (or Things Still Seem So Weird)

In a month, it will be 1 year since things shut down in California. I know the pandemic didn’t necessarily start when things shut down, but that’s the date most people seem to be using. I remember before things shut down how we knew about COVID and that it was starting to appear here, but we didn’t think it was going to get that bad.

I remember very clearly being at the baby shower for my nephew and how we were talking about cases but there weren’t any thoughts about it getting severe here. Nobody was wearing masks, we were crowded into a small room, and there was a big crowd. The idea of it almost makes me anxious thinking back at what we were doing and how little we were worried. That was only 11 months ago. And shortly after the baby shower, everything changed.

While I never thought of this weird time as something fun or interesting, it was a bit of a novelty at first. I think everyone who used to work in offices was getting a kick out of working from home. I was happy to share any tips and tricks I had learned from working from home for years. People who lost their jobs didn’t seem too worried at first because they seemed like temporary layoffs. I remember when my Orangetheory studio shut down, they were saying it would probably be open again in a month. We all assumed this time would be a brief blip and we’d be back to what felt normal to us before we knew it.

And I know there are people out there that haven’t had too many changes in their lives. There are some people who didn’t really have a choice and still had to go to work even if they didn’t feel safe, like grocery store employees. And there are others who either didn’t believe this was as bad as people said or they didn’t care and they continued living their lives normally with no concern about safety.

While I thought of the lockdown as a bit of a novelty at first, I was also terrified. I hated that I was alone and so far from family. I didn’t have a way to have someone come stay with me and the options for me to stay with others weren’t ones that would work with me. I know I thought about maybe going to Tahoe to be with my parents for a bit of time, but I kept thinking I didn’t want to be gone once things opened up in LA and I could get back to my regular life again. Plus, it’s a long drive to do and I wasn’t going to fly.

After I lost my job, I had some time where I felt lost. I didn’t have much keeping me to a schedule. I had nothing I had to do at specific times and could just do whatever I wanted. I know I wasted a lot of time then doing nothing productive and getting into some bad habits. Some of those bad habits are still things I’m trying to break right now. But I am grateful that I have something to do most days and I have to be forced to create a schedule for myself again. It’s still a struggle, but I’m getting better at it (and that’s why it’s my challenge this month).

But the main thing I think about when I think back on the past 11 months is that I feel like I just wasted a year of my life. I know I didn’t do that, but it really does feel that way. I spent the past 11 months feeling stuck in time. And yes, I got a new job and had some changes to an old job that will be very good for me in the future, but that’s all I feel like I’ve accomplished. I haven’t made any movement forward in my fitness and weight loss goals (and I’ve really gone backward). I know my eating disorder is in a worse spot because of how we have to limit going to the grocery store so I have to keep more food in my house than I’d like to. I haven’t experienced anything new or exciting. And I feel like I’ve lost a year of trying to date and find my person. And because I still got a year older while I was trapped at home, that could possibly cause issues for me if I want to have kids in the future. My fertility didn’t pause like everything else in my life did.

I’ve joked that it’s not fair that any of us had birthdays last year. None of us should have to be a year old. I want to get my year back. But at the same time, I worry about how long it will take for me to feel safe and comfortable again even when this pandemic is done. How long will it take before I can trust that going out won’t make me sick? Will I be hesitant to go meet up with friends or go on a date if I don’t know if they’ve been out with a lot of other people? The only thing I’m not too worried about getting back is going to my workouts, but even that makes me nervous because of how I’m not worried. I don’t want to go back to working out and then that’s the reason I get sick.

I know we still have a ways to go before we can say this pandemic is over. Some estimates say this summer, some say by the end of the year. So there is a chance that I will lose almost 2 years of my life to being isolated due to the pandemic. I hope that’s not the case, but I also know that I can’t do anything to make this end faster besides staying at home so I’m not the reason others get sick.

Sorry if this was a random and rambling post. While I’m doing better mentally than I have in the past in many ways, I’m also still struggling with thinking about how long I’ve been doing this and what I haven’t been able to do. I hate feeling trapped in time, but that’s exactly how I feel. And when you live alone, it’s hard because sometimes it feels like you are the only one trapped and everyone else is out and living their lives like normal.

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Going In For A Doctor Appointment (or Making A Plan With My Dermatologist)

Posted on February 3, 2021 | Comments Off on Going In For A Doctor Appointment (or Making A Plan With My Dermatologist)

I had mentioned before that I had a really bad flare-up of my autoimmune disease. I’ve dealt with flare-ups since I was a teenager, but the one that I had recently was the worst it’s ever been. And despite hoping I could be prescribed something over the phone to help it, I also knew that there was almost no chance that would happen and I’d have to go in for an appointment. I was right and I had the appointment this past week.

In the past year, the only times I’ve been to the hospital were for urgent care, getting my flu shot, and picking up prescriptions that couldn’t be mailed. I don’t want to have to be there if I can help it right now. And of course, when I had to go, we were experiencing some of the worst numbers we’ve ever had. Fortunately, where my dermatologist is located is a side building next to the main hospital. So it wasn’t that crowded and I only saw one other person in the waiting room.

Even though my dermatologist has seen me before (he’s the one who did the small surgery on my face) and he technically confirmed I had this condition, he still wanted to make sure that he evaluated me correctly and properly put in a diagnosis from him. The autoimmune disease I have is called Hidradenitis suppurativa (or HS). Basically, it’s an inflammatory condition that causes me to have these bumps under my skin that can be extremely painful. Sometimes, they can come to the surface of my skin and it can look like acne or ingrown hair. So a lot of people are misdiagnosed for a long time. I wasn’t properly diagnosed for about 8 years. For me, it’s always been somewhat minor. I didn’t have severe flare-ups as some people have. And I still don’t have it nearly as bad as most. But it can still be extremely painful and I feel like when I have a bad flare-up I usually have other issues like fatigue.

There’s no real cure for HS, but there are treatment options. And the one I was most familiar with was an injectable medication that can help. But it can also make you immunocompromised, so I knew I didn’t want to try that (at least not now). But my dermatologist is one of the few doctors who is very familiar with HS and how to manage it. So I was ready to hear what he had to say when we discussed this more seriously.

He quickly confirmed my diagnosis (which I knew would happen) and talked to me about a few different treatment options. He knew my issues with the injectable medication for now, so we didn’t really talk about that. But he did discuss some surgical options. I didn’t realize I would be a good candidate for surgery, but it was interesting to hear how it can be a permanent solution for a specific area. I don’t want to do surgery just yet, but I’m glad he brought it up so I could do some research on my own so I can be more familiar with it if it comes up again as a good option for me.

There are a few things I already do, like using specific soaps, but I knew there were other topical options as well as medications I could try. And my dermatologist decided that trying a daily pill would be the best one for me to start with. This isn’t a cure and it won’t make it go away forever, but it has the possibility to make my flare-ups not as frequent or severe. There’s no guarantee it will work, but I’m willing to give it the time to work. So for the next 3 months, I’m testing out this medication and will go back in for another appointment when I’m done. Then we will take it from there.

Maybe this medication will work and maybe it will fail. I will say that it’s almost been a week and my pain isn’t as bad. I still have a lot of flare-ups, but they are getting smaller. But that could just be the regular lifecycle of them. I’m trying to stay optimistic because at least I’m trying something. And if this doesn’t work, I’m just grateful that my doctor is going to keep working with me on this. I’ve had doctors in the past who didn’t understand how HS worked and the treatment options and they were offering solutions that I knew wouldn’t work. Having someone on my team who gets it is a huge victory on its own.

All I can do for now is continue to take the medication and hope for the best. And in 3 months, we’ll see what the next step will be. But it’s still more of a plan than I’ve had in a long time, which is giving me a lot of hope.

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The End To One Political Era (or This Is Still Just The Start Of My Involvement)

Posted on January 20, 2021 | Comments Off on The End To One Political Era (or This Is Still Just The Start Of My Involvement)

Today, Joe Biden goes from being the President-Elect to being the President. I’m still shocked that he won because historically an incumbent wins the election. But I’m so excited to have Biden as our President and to see what happens with this country. And I don’t think it’s a surprise that I’m glad that Donald Trump will not be our President anymore.

I’ve never really hid my unhappiness with him. He liked to spread half-truths (or complete lies) and found that dividing the country worked to his advantage. He didn’t see how to help the entire country but how to help himself and those in his inner circle. And yes, I did benefit from some of his tax cuts because I’m considered a business owner, but the benefits I personally got weren’t worth all the financial penalties other people I knew got. I’d rather things be much more equal (which would mean I owe money) than for my friends to owe extra money and for me to get some bad.

And his mishandling of the pandemic continues to make me mad. We have seen how other countries have gotten things under control. Or if they aren’t totally under control, they have a fraction of the cases and deaths that we have. If Trump hadn’t been talking for months about how this is all a hoax and discouraging ways we could stay safe, who knows how many lives could have been saved. Things didn’t have to be like this. And if we had politicians who were setting better examples for us, maybe we wouldn’t be in such bad shape a year into this.

And I know that with Biden being President, things won’t just change immediately (although some Republicans did claim that nobody would be talking about the pandemic after the election and it would miraculously end). But I do have hope that things will be turning around and getting better in the near future. I hope that we will have a better plan for vaccine distribution and more guidance on ways we can stay safe while we wait. So many countries got this under control without a vaccine, so maybe we will do the same and the vaccine will just be extra protection.

While I’m not really grateful for much about the Trump Presidency, there is one thing I am grateful for. Because of him running and understanding the risks 4 years ago, I became much more involved in politics. I don’t know if I would have been involved if another Republican was running. If Trump lost, I don’t know if I would have kept things up as much. But now, I have seen how politics is something I need to be involved in. I will not be unaware because something doesn’t personally affect me. I will not hide my political views to try to be polite. Being politically involved is something I feel like I have to do. I need to do it for everyone, not just the people in my life. And I have seen what happens if our elected leaders do not feel the same push to be working for everyone.

I hope to be more involved in the future. I know that I didn’t do as much as I wanted to in this past election. But I also have learned of more ways I can be involved in the future and I am on a lot of different email lists to be notified when there are opportunities for me. I want to take advantage of them as they come up and continue to be more and more involved.

Today, I’m celebrating our country having a new president. And yes, he is the candidate I voted for, but I also believe that he feels he needs to work for everyone. He is not going to divide the country into those who voted for him and those who didn’t. There may still be a division with people who believe he was fairly elected or not, but that division is not because of Biden but because of other politicians. And if they want the unity they claim they want to see, they know they need to let their followers that Biden is the president and that he was elected fairly. We cannot have unity until those who have worked hard to divide us make things right. And I don’t know if that will happen, but I hope it will. I am so sick with how some people have believed some extreme conspiracy theories and that they cannot see beyond it. I have people in my life who do believe this pandemic was created to get Trump removed from office (they don’t believe it matters that other countries were affected too). I know people who believe that somehow, Biden will be removed and Trump will be president again, even though that’s not how it works. I have tried to reason with them and explain how certain policies and rules work, but some people still won’t listen or believe that the rules have to be followed that way.

But I do have hope that in the future, some of those people will start to see what happened and that they were misled. I don’t think they will become Democrats or huge fans of Biden, but I do hope that they understand how he was elected (and not claiming it has to be fake because Trump had bigger crowds). I want there to still be a debate within the country, but not the violence and hate that we have seen recently. We don’t all have to agree on everything, but we need to agree that everyone deserves a voice and that our elected leaders represent everyone and not just those they voted for.

And hopefully, as I become more and more involved in politics, I will find ways to help bring things together and to get others involved, and trying to help this country heal from the past 4 years.

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Having Weird Reminders (or Needing To Remove Some Things From My Calendar)

Posted on January 19, 2021 | Comments Off on Having Weird Reminders (or Needing To Remove Some Things From My Calendar)

Even though I have a planner, I don’t use it for scheduling out my day. I use my Volt Planner for goal setting and things like that. My schedule can change a lot so I like using digital calendars to have appointments and plans. Plus, it’s easy to have things that recur set to appear automatically each time (like when I have to submit timesheets for work).

I use the Mac calendar app on my devices and one of my jobs uses Google Calendar (but I can import my personal schedule into my Mac calendar). I’ve used this for a very long time and it’s an easy system for me to use which is why I haven’t tried to find a different app.

And the simplicity of the app also meant I got a bit lazy with entering things into my calendar. I had my work for my old customer service job in there even though my schedule didn’t really change each week. I put my OTF workouts in there even though those were very consistent. I didn’t need to have reminders to not schedule other things then, but I just put it in there to have an accurate schedule somewhere.

When the pandemic started, I didn’t remove things from my calendar. My work schedule didn’t change at first and I figured OTF would be opening again soon so I didn’t feel the need to remove it. But as we all know, that didn’t really happen. But I still kept all those things in my calendar. It didn’t really bother me for a long time because I didn’t have to look at my calendar for anything. I had nothing scheduled and nothing to work around in my day.

But now that I have a job that I need to check my schedule for (not for my normal work hours, but for any meetings I have to attend), I’ve realized I need to get rid of the other things on my schedule. It was actually starting to upset me when I thought about the things I was missing. It was bad enough thinking about my old job and my workouts. But this past weekend was also supposed to be the weekend my parents were going to be in LA and we were going to see “Hamilton”.

This wasn’t the first time we had tickets for “Hamilton”. We had some in the spring last year that were canceled. We figured scheduling them for January this year was a safe bet for things to be better. And they were going to be on my dad’s birthday, so I was so excited to get to spend my dad’s birthday with him. I know that it’s for the best that things are still canceled, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be a little upset about it.

So over the weekend, I worked on removing all my old recurring things in my calendar. It will be easy enough to add them back in when things start back up again. But it’s important for me now to have things on my schedule that I really have and not things that are reminders of what I was supposed to have and not getting to do.

I know it’s a bit silly to be upset about things like this, but when I have so little happening in my life and so much that I feel like I’m missing, every reminder of what my “normal” life was like hurts a bit. I’m glad it was an easy fix for me to make and that it didn’t take me a long time. And hopefully, now I can focus on making plans going forward and not looking back at what I was hoping to do.

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Remembering To Stay Calm (or Trying To Not Let The Little Things Get To Me)

Posted on January 15, 2021 | Comments Off on Remembering To Stay Calm (or Trying To Not Let The Little Things Get To Me)

Right now, it feels like there is very little that I can control. And the few things I can control aren’t the healthiest things (like how much/little I eat or sleep). And with so much that is out of my control, I almost want to have more control just to feel like it’s not as crazy. And when I can’t do that or if things don’t go the way I hope, it can be really tough to tolerate since I have so little happening in my life.

A good example is getting my groceries delivered. I very rarely go to the grocery store myself. I try to limit it to going to Trader Joe’s once a month or so because there are some things I can only get there. Most of the things I need I can get from another grocery store that delivers to me. I might have to make some changes to that because the grocery store I’ve been using fired all their union drivers to use non-union drivers, but that’s a separate issue (although maybe firing all the old drivers is what caused this issue).

The grocery delivery I have been using gives you different options when you select what time you want it delivered. There are 1 -hour, 2-hour, and 4-hour windows. The 1-hour ones are the most expensive and the 4-hour ones are the cheapest (none are free). I will usually pick a 4-hour window unless there are no other times coming up in the next day or two. And that’s something I encountered over the weekend when I tried to get some groceries delivered. The only option was a 1-hour window, so I paid for that and figured I’d have my groceries soon.

But they never arrived. I still don’t know what happened, but they “forgot” to have someone pick up my order to deliver it to me. And since the day ended, they canceled my order. I was fine and didn’t need the groceries at that moment, but it was still frustrating because I was hoping to make something for dinner that night that I couldn’t. And I was looking forward to knowing I was done with my grocery shopping for the week. Since my order was canceled, I placed another one for another day and was able to get a 4-hour delivery window.

Then that delivery never arrived on time. It did finally arrive about 5 hours late, and I guess late is better than never. But my frustration just kept building. I know that this is a service that there are human errors and delays that can happen, but it was one of the only things in my control and even that was no longer that way. I know it’s not a big deal, but it just felt that way to me. And I had to remember to not let this be a bigger thing than it really is.

I know staying calm these days is so important. Stress isn’t good for us at any time, but right now I know it can be even worse because our baseline stress levels are so much higher than normal. And I can feel in my body when I’m too stressed. My autoimmune conditions tend to get really bad, and I’m in the middle of a really bad flareup that I know is likely due to stress. Staying calm won’t necessarily resolve and fix everything, but staying stressed isn’t going to allow it to get any better.

I’ve let lots of little things get to me in the past 10 months that I’ve been isolating at home. Some of my go-to stress relief things aren’t an option for me right now, so even my normal stress has to be taken care of in different ways. And sometimes, I can handle things just fine. But to have a little freakout at home is probably to be expected. All of us are dealing with so much and if we were handling it fine, that would almost be a sign that something is wrong because this isn’t normal and fine.

Fortunately, I didn’t get upset or frustrated with anyone else like the customer service reps for my groceries. I kept it to myself and managed it on my own. And I was able to get over it pretty quickly and move on. I know it’s ok to be frustrated and stress and recognizing that and allowing myself moments to feel that way helps. And then I can move on with my day and hopefully try to stay calm and relaxed when dealing with other things in my life.

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I Don’t Know What To Say About This (or What Happened Doesn’t Feel Real)

Posted on January 8, 2021 | Comments Off on I Don’t Know What To Say About This (or What Happened Doesn’t Feel Real)

Like so many people, I spent a lot of my time on Wednesday watching the breaking news of the Trump supporters storming the Capitol and breaking in. I spent most of the day in shock watching what was happening. I found out because some members of a message group that I’m in started talking about how they were in shock. I asked what was going on, and once they told me I immediately turned on the news.

I had the news on my phone sitting next to my computer so I could listen as I worked. There were a few times during my work shift that it was quiet so I could watch and not just listen. And that made things even more unbelievable. It didn’t feel real. It felt like a scene from a movie or a news story about another country. This didn’t feel like it could be here and actually happening.

I couldn’t believe I was watching our Capitol being broken into and damaged. The number of people who were able to get in without any attempt by the police to stop them was shocking. We have all seen what has happened during various Black Lives Matter protests. When Trump wanted to walk to a church for a photo op, tear gas was immediately used to clear a path in the middle of a peaceful protest for him. But when people were committing crimes and waving guns around, authorities acted like they were helpless. They didn’t stop anyone from climbing the walls or breaking windows. We have all heard how police feel like they have no option but to shoot if they feel threatened. And they seem to feel threatened when someone raises their voice or walks away. But it’s ok with them and they feel safe when people are running at them with guns? It’s disgusting.

And the people who were attacking the police are the same ones who scream that blue lives matter and who tell people that they wouldn’t be shot if they just listened to the police. But they don’t feel like they have to listen and they didn’t seem to care that they were trying to physically harm the blue lives they claim matter. I guess they only matter to them if the police aren’t on the opposite side as them.

All of this was because some politicians refused to believe that they lost. They created ideas that fraud was occurring. They claimed that counting ballots that were received on time but being counted past midnight due to the number of ballots they had to count were somehow no longer good. According to them, it doesn’t matter if you voted legally, if it took too long to count them and an arbitrary deadline wasn’t met, they weren’t legal anymore. They made up a rule that the counts had to stop at midnight even if they weren’t done. They believed that because of the size of a crowd, there was no way they didn’t win. Crowd size doesn’t equal votes. I didn’t go to any rallies (I wouldn’t have gone even if there wasn’t a pandemic), and that doesn’t mean that my vote wasn’t real. They were making up so many false claims that they knew were false but that their followers would believe. And because of that, they created the mob that tried to break democracy.

There may be some politicians that believe in what they were saying, but I know many of them didn’t. If they did, they wouldn’t have changed their minds just because of what happened. So many politicians who said they were going to protest the count didn’t do so. So either they knew they were lying and were feeling like they should stop, or they believed what they said and they were ok with ignoring fraud. Considering how much noise they made trying to claim any fraud, I doubt they would ignore fraud.

I want to be hopeful for our future and our government, but after what happened on Wednesday it’s really hard. I know that a new administration is coming in, but that will not stop the supporters who have been attacking anyone they feel is against them. The supporters are turning on the people who they thought were the greatest because they no longer work with the narrative they want to believe. I can’t see how this will stop as long as Trump lies and makes up things to feel like he is adored by some people.

I am grateful that he has been banned from social media sites. Some of the bans are permanent and some are temporary. But even if they were all permanent, it’s a little too late. The people who made groups online to organize this mob weren’t Trump directly. They are people who feel empowered and emboldened by what Trump has said and they have taken things up on their own. They will not be stopped because the person they look up to most is silent. They will still talk among themselves and I am worried about what they might try to do next.

As I am writing this post, very few people have been arrested after attacking the Capitol. I hope that this will change. Anyone who broke in should be arrested and punished for what they do. They should personally pay for the damage that they created. And they should not be allowed to be anonymous. They shouldn’t be allowed to hide what they did. They should have to own up to what they did and what they believed in and accept that they will be judged by many for it. This was not a small mistake or lapse of judgment. This was planned. They knew what they were doing. And they didn’t stop until they were forced to. This was all their choice to do, they cannot be dismissed as confused about what they did.

The next few weeks will possibly be a very trying time for our country. I hope that we will come out of it ok and we will be able to rebuild. This country should be for all and our government should be fair and for everyone. And we need to work back toward that. I don’t know if we can get there soon or if it will take a while. But we cannot continue going the way we are going and expect that everything will be ok. This will be a challenge, but I hope that many people are up to that challenge. I know I am and I will not stay quiet when I see injustice and wrong as I did on Wednesday.

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Default ThumbnailThings Feel Like They Are Too Much (or Being Informed Might Not Be The Best For Me) Default ThumbnailWhat Is Happening? (or Why I Support Black Lives Matter) Default ThumbnailBlack Lives Matter (or Working On Being A Better Ally) Default ThumbnailStill Taking Action When Overwhelmed (or We Cannot Stop) Default ThumbnailTrying To Make The Debates More Fun To Watch (or Group Chats Make Things Better) Default ThumbnailOverwhelmed By The Election (or Politics Time)

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How I Ended 2020 (or A Night Alone At Home)

Posted on January 7, 2021 | Comments Off on How I Ended 2020 (or A Night Alone At Home)

Most of the time, I spend New Year’s Eve with friends. I usually will go to a party where things tend to be pretty casual. I’m not a big fan of elaborate plans for New Year’s because things can be overpriced and very crowded. I like just having a relaxed night with friends where we celebrate but everything is pretty low-key.

When the pandemic started, I never thought we’d still be dealing with it by New Year’s Eve. I really thought things would be safe again by the 4th of July. Then maybe by  Halloween. I fully expected to be able to spend New Year’s Eve with my friends at a party and didn’t think too much about things.

But as it got closer and closer to the end of the year, reality set in and I knew there was no way that there would be any party or gathering with friends. Even trying to figure out a way to be safe with one friend didn’t seem to be possible. I know that I have pretty much been in quarantine for a while, but most of my friends don’t have that same luxury. So it just wouldn’t be safe to try to meet up with even one friend. So my New Year’s Eve was spent the way I have spent so much of 2020. Alone in my house.

It wasn’t the worst thing to be alone for New Year’s Eve, but it was still sad. It was sad to think about how things didn’t have to be this way with the pandemic. It was sad to think that there are people who I know aren’t dealing with the isolation as well as many of us are. It was sad to think that things were looking up because of the vaccine but they were still not looking that great.

My night was not really that exciting. I spent a lot of time watching tv and catching up on my DVR and streaming shows. I made some dinner. I sat around and texted with a few friends. And I was in bed by 11 pm. I did stay up until midnight, but I spent the last hour of 2020 reading in bed. And pretty soon after midnight, I went to sleep.

This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my New Year’s Eve. This wasn’t how I liked to spend my night. But it was how I needed to spend my night to stay safe and healthy and to do the right thing.

In some ways, it did seem fitting to end the year the way I spent so much of it. But at the same time, I would have loved to have ended the year in a happier and more fun way. I hope that this will be the only New Year’s Eve that I have to spend this way. I might choose to spend one like it, but I want it to be my choice. This was not what I wanted, but it was the only option I could have without taking a lot of risks that I’m not ok with taking.

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Default ThumbnailNew Year’s Eve In PJs (or I Think This Is Finally My Last NYE Post) Default ThumbnailRinging In 2018 (or Being Festive While Being Lazy On The Couch) Default ThumbnailNew Year’s Eve Fun (or Making Sure 2014 Is A Lucky Year) Default ThumbnailWelcoming 2017 (or The Start To My New Year’s Eve) Default ThumbnailA Very Low-Key NYE (or I’m Glad I Don’t Have To Impress My Friends) Default ThumbnailRinging In The New Year (or Fun With Glow Sticks)

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Making The Month A Little Less Lonely (or Still Trying To Find Challenges To Do While Isolated)

Posted on January 6, 2021 | Comments Off on Making The Month A Little Less Lonely (or Still Trying To Find Challenges To Do While Isolated)

I got another Volt Planner for 2021, so I’ll be doing another year full of goal setting! I love using this planner for setting weekly, monthly, and annual goals as well as monthly challenges. I also use it to track my daily intentions and my gratitude list. It is a planner so I can track other things, but that’s what I mainly use it for. When I was able to work out at the Orangetheory studios, I would also use it for some workout tracking. But since I’ve been working out at home, I don’t really do that.

It really is the perfect planner for me and I’ve been using them for several years now. I keep all my old planners because it’s interesting to see what I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come. My collection is pretty decent so far.

My monthly challenges used to be much more excited. But since we’ve had to isolate at home, they are not as grand and much more personal. For December, my challenge was to get myself ready for 2021. And I did a fair amount of preparation with things I wanted to do like getting different parts of my house organized. But the plan to prep was sidetracked a bit by getting a new job. I think that’s a very good excuse to be sidetracked. And in a way, getting a new job was preparing me for this year. I needed a new job so I wouldn’t be struggling as much. But there was some other stuff I wanted to do that I didn’t get a chance to, like doing some rearranging of things in my kitchen. But nothing I didn’t do was urgent so I can get them done this month.

And for this month’s challenge, I was a bit inspired by the idea of how we’ve all been isolated for so long. And being isolated at home doesn’t have to mean being completely isolated from the people you love. I know that I have been isolating myself more than I’d like to, but it’s what happened to me when I was feeling low. It’s so much easier for me to ask a friend to get dinner or hang out if I’m lonely compared to asking if we could have some sort of virtual hangout. But virtual hangouts are really all we can do (with few exceptions).

So my challenge for this month is to not isolate myself from my friends completely and to make sure that I connect with someone that I care about every day. This means I can’t go run an errand like go get groceries and count seeing people in the store or talking to the cashier as a connection. This has to be with a friend or family member.

And I know there are different levels of being able to connect with someone. Right now, the thing that would make me happiest is seeing someone in person (outdoors and keeping a distance between us). This isn’t the easiest thing to do, and also not necessarily the safest for now. If I can make this happen, awesome. But I also understand that for now, I might not be able to do this at all this month. But it’s something to hope for. Next, would be doing a video call. These are totally safe, but so many people have Zoom/video chat fatigue. I get that. Then I would put phone calls next on my list and texts/message groups last.

My goal is to not just do texts every day with friends, but I know that there will be days where texts are the best I can do. I hopefully can have more phone and video calls with friends and family this month and continue that beyond this month until we can all safely meet in person.

I’ve been isolated at home for almost 10 months now, and it’s really getting to me. It’s easy to avoid people, but I know that it’s not the best thing for me to do. So hopefully this challenge this month will get me back to being more social in whatever ways I can and I can feel much better about the current situation. I need to figure out how to be happier while I wait for things to be safer. And I know having time with friends and family will help do that.

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Default ThumbnailRecapping A Few Challenges From Last Month (or Getting Ready Stop Going Easy On Myself) Default ThumbnailAlmost Through A Year Of Monthly Challenges (or Picking A Good Challenge For November) Default ThumbnailNot Perfect This Month (or Challenged With The Monthly Challenge) Default ThumbnailStill Trying To Get Back To Normal (or Isolation Monthly Challenges Really Are Not Easy) Default ThumbnailGetting More Productive (or More Monthly Challenges) Default ThumbnailAnother Reminder That It’s Ok To Be Struggling (or We Might Be Isolated But Not Alone)

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My Usual Christmas Routine (or Somehow This Felt Lonelier Than Normal)

Posted on December 29, 2020 | Comments Off on My Usual Christmas Routine (or Somehow This Felt Lonelier Than Normal)

I pretty much spent Christmas the way I expected to. I did work out that morning, which normally isn’t part of my routine on Christmas, but besides that everything was pretty normal. Most years, since I’ve lived in LA, I spend Christmas watching movies and ordering Chinese food. Sometimes I go out for dinner or for a movie and sometimes everything is at my house. But it’s pretty much the same deal every year.

The one big issue I discovered doing that this year was that it seemed like everyone was ordering Chinese food! I thought I’d eat early so I went to place my order online at 4pm. When I did that, the next available delivery wasn’t until 7! I thought I was beating the rush, but I guess not. And my food didn’t arrive until almost 9. I was actually worried that the delivery driver had gotten into an accident or something so I called the restaurant to make sure everything was ok, It was, they were just way busier than they expected. Christmas is always a crazy night for them, but this was another level of craziness! Several of my friends tried to order in food from their local restaurants and were told they weren’t accepting orders anymore! So I guess I was lucky even with a 5-hour delay between ordering and getting my food. Next year, I’ll plan better and maybe place an order in the morning with a set later delivery time.

But it worked out just fine for me in the end. I had my food and I watched my movie. Exactly what I expected to do and that made me happy.

But things felt different for me this year. I almost always spend Christmas alone. That’s fine with me and it usually doesn’t bother me much. But this year, it was a lot harder to be alone. I know that is probably because I have spent most of the last 9 months alone and isolated, so it just hits me harder. But knowing why doesn’t necessarily make the feelings any better. I just tried to accept that was how I was feeling and be ok with maybe not being in the best mood. I did try to cheer myself up with little things, but if they didn’t work I wasn’t hard on myself.

I know a lot of my friends struggled with being lonely at Christmas. I imagine it was even harder for them because they are used to be around their family and it was possibly the first time they weren’t together for the holiday. I know that feeling well since that’s how my Thanksgiving was. But we all know and accept that this is the way things have to be for now so that there are more holidays to celebrate in the future. And there is an end in sight with all of this.

I think the combination of winter holidays being bunched up together plus the days being so short make it a little extra tough in general. Adding in a pandemic and the isolation from it is something I couldn’t have imagined before this year. And I’m already preparing to have a bit of a tough time on New Year’s Eve since that’s a night I’m normally celebrating and surrounded by friends. But I know I will get through this time. I know I’ve written that multiple times, but I have to keep reminding myself often that I will be ok.

And next year when I’m having my usual Christmas alone with my movies and Chinese food, hopefully it won’t feel as lonely as it did this year and it will just be a nice day to myself.

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Default ThumbnailA Very Low-Key Christmas (or Not Spending My Day Off Doing My Usual Stuff) Default ThumbnailA Christmas Lunch (or The Levin-Levin-Levine Summit) Default ThumbnailMerry Christmas (or I’ll Be Enjoying My Movies And Chinese Food) Default ThumbnailMerry Christmas! (or I Hope You Are All Finding Ways To Celebrate!) Default ThumbnailMy Christmas Eve and Christmas (or A Late Night Target Run) Default ThumbnailMerry Christmas! (or I’m Good With Whatever Happens Today)

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