Tag Archives: normal

Feeling Normal and Less Anxious (or Sorry I Keep Writing About The Same Thing)

Posted on May 7, 2021 | Comments Off on Feeling Normal and Less Anxious (or Sorry I Keep Writing About The Same Thing)

A year ago when the pandemic started, I worried so much about what I would blog about. I wondered if I would have to cut back on how many days I’d have posts to go live. I wondered if every post would be the same and I’d have nothing to write about. I’m still surprised that I was able to maintain my regular blogging schedule even at the worst points of the pandemic.

But what I didn’t think about as much is how often I would write about things being normal again and how happy it makes me. Maybe it’s because things shutting down was such a shock that it seemed so different and the idea of things coming back seemed normal and boring. But I feel like I’m constantly writing about how happy I am as things come back into my life and things start to feel more like my life before.

Of course, I’m still being very cautious about what I do and where I go. I do have some anxiety as I go into a new place or am around a new person because I have to judge how safe things are. I know I’m pretty safe between being fully vaccinated and staying masked (except the few moments I am not masked in certain places). But I still need to be careful with my own safety and the safety of those around me.

But that anxiety about staying safe is easing as I get to do more things in my life. It’s not that I forget to be anxious or I don’t care. But my anxiety isn’t the primary emotion in my life anymore. I have other things to focus on so my mental health is in a much better place. My baseline isn’t where it was before, but it’s much closer to that than how low I was feeling during the worst of it. And as I add more and more back into my life, my baseline is getting to a better place.

I think having Orangetheory back into my life is a big thing that has made me feel better about everything. That routine and that workout helps me in so many ways. Even though it’s still tough to struggle with things I didn’t struggle with before, I’m feeling so much better about myself. I don’t even mind that I have to wake up so early to go to class. I’ve always appreciated Orangetheory and what it did for my body and mind, but I appreciate it at a whole new level now. And as I go to each class, I notice that working out in the studio is helping me feel better and better. I’m sure at some point that will level off, but for now it’s making a huge difference in my life.

Going out to eat was another big thing that has helped make me feel more normal and less anxious. This was a little harder for me to do since going out to eat means you aren’t wearing a mask. But going to Wood & Vine felt a lot safer than so many places I’ve been going in the past year. I knew I could trust the management and staff to be doing the right things to keep people safe, and I was right. I have seen some restaurants doing outdoor dining and the tables seem really close together. But Wood & Vine really was careful with how they set up the space, even when that meant they couldn’t have as many people there as they wanted.

Just going out to eat with a friend felt so normal and even though we were very aware of things, it also allowed us to forget that we were still in a pandemic for a little bit of time. And having any time where the pandemic isn’t dominating my thoughts is a nice escape. I spent far too long since last year thinking of nothing but my safety and health. And just like how Orangetheory is helping my mental health, having another focus is doing the same. Going out to eat is going to have to be a rare treat because I do want to be careful how much I go out, but it’s nice that it’s an option again in my life.

And even my dating life is starting to feel a bit more normal again! I’m still doing some video/virtual dates, but meeting up in person is getting a bit easier to do. Coffee dates are much easier now than they were for most of last year. I feel safer hanging out outside with someone new. Being on a date without a mask is still something I think I’m only ok with if the other person is vaccinated (and most people who are vaccinated are happy to show their vaccination cards to prove it) and there are still not a lot of options to have creative dates. But as things reopen again, there will be more places I can go on dates. And hopefully, just like with so much else, things will continue to feel safer for me and I won’t be as worried about my health.

My life is still not fully back to normal, but in the past month I have been able to have a lot of things back. And I’ve been feeling more calm and relaxed and home, which is having a lot of positive effects. I’m able to sleep better. I’m more focused. I am enjoying silly little things again. I feel like the doom and gloom feeling is still in the background, but it’s not taking over my life. And I needed this happiness back.

Just like with so many other posts where I have written about things being closer to normal, I had no idea how much I needed this until I had it. I knew I wasn’t doing great last year, but I had no clue how bad it had gotten for me until it got better. And I’m trying to stay hopeful that it is only going to continue to get better from now on.

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Default ThumbnailA Return To Wood & Vine (or Feeling Even More Like Things Are Normal) Default ThumbnailFeeling A Bit Less Stressed At The Dentist (or Just Having Normal Panic) Default ThumbnailFeeling Normal Again (or Happy To Be Back In Control) Default ThumbnailGetting Outside A Little More (or I’m Still Hesitant) Default ThumbnailMore Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems) Default ThumbnailMaking It Through The Week (or Going From Feeling Horrible To Feeling Normal)

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Still Wondering About The New Normal (or Baby Steps Back)

Posted on June 26, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Wondering About The New Normal (or Baby Steps Back)

I’ve written several posts about my curiosity about what the new normal will be like or my fears about things reopening. It’s a very weird time and I think many people have the same thoughts that I do. In some ways, I want things to be back to feeling normal, and in other ways, I’m terrified about it. I think I was feeling a bit better about it before we started reopening things in LA because it did seem like the number of cases each day was doing down. Now, we are increasing again and that’s not what should be happening.

I know that they said that there may be an increase in cases as things open and that there are other numbers to consider. Some people say the number of people hospitalized is a better thing to track. Some say to only look at the number of people who passed away. I have been watching all the numbers because I really don’t know what is best and I’d rather have a good overall idea of what is happening. And even though I am staying informed, I still am very confused about things and really can’t tell if I should be more or less worried than I am right now. So for now, I’m pretty much not changing what I’ve been doing for the past few months. I don’t really leave my house for anything except essential errands and I try to limit those to once a week. I will have a few other outings happening, but I’m not doing a lot (I’ll write more about those outings soon).

Staying home is really the safest thing, but I know I can’t do this forever. And since I will have to start living my life again eventually, I’ve been trying to plan how to live a bit more normally. I have gotten a lot of masks in different styles because I expect masks to be a part of normal life for a while. I do have some that I think I can use for workouts if I do go back to Orangetheory. I might look into some that seem to be designed for working out. I have some that I feel are cute because I don’t want to just have boring masks. If I’m going to wear them for a long time, I want to make it as fun for me as possible.

For a while, going to get groceries was very stressful for me. Seeing the lines at the stores, worrying about what I would or wouldn’t be able to find when I get inside, and just feeling like I’m experiencing something very weird made me so uneasy. I have been doing a lot of grocery deliveries because it made things a bit easier for me. But I can’t get all the stores I might shop at delivered to me. So I’ve been doing a bit more grocery shopping on my own. And while sometimes I have still had to wait in line, the last 2 times I went to one store I was able to just walk right in. And they had everything in stock so I was able to get everything I wanted. It’s odd that being able to get things I want feels so special. I need to stop thinking like things are scarce and I might not be able to make a plan for shopping. I want to get back into making real shopping lists to work on making meals and not just shopping to see what I can find.

I haven’t done a lot of stuff outside of my house so I don’t know what it’s like to go shopping in stores or eating at a restaurant. I don’t need to do either of those things so I’m fine waiting. But I have been paying attention to the new rules and policies so that I have a better idea of what might be expected if I do venture out to something like that.

Things do change a lot and quickly, so the steps I’m seeing now to the new normal might not be the steps that happen. Being an observer of these policies does help me feel better and since I’m not directly worried about them the changes don’t bother me too much. I just stay on top of knowing what is going on so I am prepared. The new normal is starting and I have no clue how long it will take until I feel like things are really normal again. It might take years until I feel like I can be as comfortable being out of my house as I used to. I hope it doesn’t take that long, but then again I never thought I’d be staying in my house like this for over 3 months.

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Default ThumbnailSome Of The New Normal (or I’ll Need To Get Used To This) Default ThumbnailFaceTime Repair (or Baby Steps To Prepare Me For Home Ownership) Default ThumbnailBaby Steps (or Trying To Be Proud Of The Little Victories) Default ThumbnailBaby Steps Progress (or Surprising Myself) Default ThumbnailBaby Steps Back To Cooking (or My Check In Kicked My Butt Into Gear) Default ThumbnailBeing A Bit Of A Show-Off (or More Baby Steps)

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Finally It Feels Like Things Are Normal (or A Week Of Various Self-Care)

Posted on May 25, 2018 | 1 comment

I feel like I’ve been writing about being sick for months now! But I have been sick for almost a month now which is a pretty long time. I have a feeling it may take another month before I’m totally back to normal, but I am noticing a little bit of progress every day. I’m having fewer coughing fits each day (but still having a bunch) and I have less congestion in general. I am still a bit shocked about how hard I went down with this cold and how long it has taken me to even feel this much better.

I did take some time to be lazy and do nothing since that’s what you really need to do to get better. But I get so antsy and restless and felt like I needed to do more. I worked hard at ignoring that feeling and just lying low and the past 10 days or so were when I was really getting back to full force and just trying to make my life as normal as possible again.

I did some fun things like getting my hair done. Just feeling refreshed physically can do wonders mentally as well. I’ve also been practicing other beauty self-care things like using the nicer products that I have or using sheet masks to make my face look better. It can feel so special and luxurious to do beauty things at home that you don’t do on a daily basis. While I have my everyday body lotion, I’ve also got a nicer one that I rarely use. So when I do use something other my my normal products it feels like a real treat for myself. It’s the little things like that which help make things feel fancier even if they are still cheap things. I’ve been wanting to get a pedicure too, but that keeps getting put off so eventually I’ll be doing that too. I just don’t want to spend the money on a pedicure yet because I like to save them for when I have a good reason to get one.

I have gone out for fun things like the Lena Hall show. Even though while I was at the show I was dealing with several coughing fits and my nose was running the entire time, I still had an amazing time and that show was just incredible! It was a form of self-care by getting me out of my house and doing something. Sometimes you just need an excuse to get out to get yourself together and then you force yourself to feel better. I also had a date this week. The guy I met was nice, but not the guy for me. He was in LA because he’s in town for work (he may be moving here for his job) and we just had a pleasant night out. I could see him and I being friends if he moves here, but there was nothing romantic between us and neither of us felt chemistry. But again, it was just nice to get out and have some time outside of my house.

And I did some cooking which helped me feel extra productive. I know how important it is for my physical health (as well as my financial health) to be cooking at home as often as I can. And knowing that I can make an amazing meal and not need to spend all day cooking and cleaning is a nice confidence boost and another way self-care can just make me feel less sick. And now I have a ton of new recipes that I want to try so I’m going to work on some meal planning stuff so I can make sure I try things more often. Plus, if I feel like I’m getting sick again, I have better ways to make soup at home instead of having to rely on canned soup (which is nice, but not the most nutritious option).

I’m sorry that so many of my posts lately have been about me being sick. It really did dominate my life for so long and I’ve been working hard lately to turn that around. I’m working on adding things back into my calendar instead of making sure I have more time at home to relax and work on getting better. I need to move on with my normal life again and I think I’m finally getting to that. It’s nice to feel like even if I didn’t do a ton of stuff this week as far as big events that I still was getting out and doing things for myself. Even if those things are little things to help me take care of myself, I’m doing what I can to just be back to regular life again. This cold took over my life for far too long and I’m done with letting that happen.

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Default ThumbnailYup, I’m Sick (or Trying To Take Care Of Me) Default ThumbnailWhy Can’t I Just Have A Normal Week? (or Another Bad Week Of Workouts) Default ThumbnailTrying To Avoid Holiday Burnout (or Staying Home For Self-Care) Default ThumbnailFinally A Normal Workout Week (or I Love Having Nothing Crazy) Default ThumbnailFeeling More Back To Normal (or A Good Week Of Hell Week Prep) Default ThumbnailAnother Week In Workouts (or Finally Able To Do Some Jumping Jacks)

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Feeling More Back To Normal (or A Good Week Of Hell Week Prep)

Posted on October 23, 2017 | 1 comment

After having weird workout weeks the past few weeks, I’m happy that this past week was almost back to normal for me. I’m finally feeling almost better from this cold that I’ve had for a few weeks and I was able to push myself more in my workouts. It wasn’t always back to what I know I can do, but it was much more normal. And that’s good because this week is going to be a crazy workout week (but more on that in next week’s post).

Monday’s workout was a power workout. Normally I would work on my running, but I wasn’t feeling ready to get back to running that day. But I was finally back at my normal treadmill speed for power walking. It still felt a bit fast to be back at that speed, but it was something I could do for the shorter segments that we had on the treadmill. Everything on the treadmill was a push pace to an all out pace and the longest segment was 2 minutes total. All of the all out paces were 30 seconds long and the push paces varied. While I wished I had been able to run, I was just so happy to be back at my normal treadmill speed.

The floor work was 2 blocks. The first block was push ups, chest presses, and single arm snatches. And the second block was pull ups on the straps, skaters, plank work, and crunches. Most of the floor work was uneventful for me (which was actually a good thing because it meant I was back to normal), but my skaters were significantly better than they ever have been. I had much better balance than I could remember and I was able to jump to the side further. I have no idea how that got better, but it was pretty exciting. And on the rower we had 2 blocks. The first block was decreasing rows with squats between each round and the second block was increasing rows with lunges between each round.

Wednesday was the workout that made me feel the most like myself this past week. It was an endurance run/row day and the run/row started with a 1 mile run. I know that I’ve run for a mile without stopping before, but I hadn’t really done any running for a few weeks so I didn’t want to push it that much. But I still wanted to push myself so I decided to go for longer intervals that I normally do. I did 3 minutes of running and then 1 minute of walking. Sometimes the 3 minutes were tough to get through, but I just tried to zone out and not think about it too much. I increased the speed for the last minute because I really wanted to see how fast I could get the mile done in. I had a goal originally of just being under 14 minutes, but I ended up beating that by quite a bit.

It wasn’t my best mile time, but it was one of the better ones I’ve had. After the mile run, I went to the rower for a 400 meter row. Then I was back on the treadmill where I was going to do the rest of the run segments as a power walk. I was only partially through that run segment when time was called to switch to the floor. I know that I would have gotten further through the run/row if I had power walked the first segment (it would have only been .5 miles instead of a full mile), but knowing that I was able to run like that again was worth the limited run/row work I did.

The floor was 3 blocks that all had a focus on shoulder work. That was nice after my legs were feeling pretty tired from the run/row. The first block was front raises, triceps, and biceps on the straps. The second block was ground to press with weights, plank leg raises, and tricep work on the straps. And the last block was strap Ys, strap roll outs, and crunches.

Friday was a power day, but it felt like an endurance day to me. So I didn’t do any running on the treadmill even though I probably could have done some. The treadmill work had 3 blocks. The first block and second block were similar with a 3 minute push pace to an all out pace plus a stand alone all out pace. Because it was a longer push to all out pace, I knew walking would be the best option for me. But again I was back to my normal treadmill speed and inclines so I was happy with that compared to the slow treadmill work I had been doing the week before. The last block on the treadmill was all shorter push to all out paces and I probably should have tried to run those. Something was holding me back, but I think it was just a mental block.

On the floor, we had a mix of floor work and rowing. The first block was on the floor and had goblet squats and single arm swings. Most of the time I will do both of those moves with a 20lb weight, but this time I pushed myself and used a 25lb weight. The second block was on the rowers where we had 200 meter rows with squats using the medicine ball in between each row. The goal was to get faster each time we rowed, and I managed to take about a second off each time I did a 200 meter row. And the last block was strap rows, squats, and plank work. While I left that workout regretting not working on my running, using heavier weights made up for that in my mind.

And I made it to my Saturday workout so I was back to my 4 workout week! This workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power. I started on the treadmill where we had 2 blocks. The first block had a 3 minute push pace, a 90 second push pace, and a 30 second all out pace. I ended up walking all of these because I was feeling a bit off when I started the workout. Fortunately, by the second treadmill block I was feeling more like myself because it ended up a good block to do some running. For that block we had a 30 second all out pace and after we did that we did frogger squats. After the squats, we went back to the treadmill for another 30 second all out pace but we increased the incline by 1%. In that block, I was able to run a 30 second all out pace at 1%, 2%, 3%, and 4%. I rarely run on inclines but 30 seconds is short enough to feel ok doing it.

After the treadmill, my group moved to the floor. On the floor we started with strap work, lunges with uppercuts using weights, and ab work. And on the next block we had chest presses, triceps, and walk outs to plank jacks. The floor work was a bit tough for me, but I used heavier weights than normal for my chest press and triceps so that might have been making things difficult. And finally I was on the rower where we had decreasing rows with squats between each round and timed rows at the end.

I’m glad that I got back to my 4 workout week. I needed this sense of normalcy back in my life. And it’s still crazy to me to think that having a good workout schedule gives me a sense of normalcy. This week and the beginning of next week will be Hell Week and I’m as ready as I can be for it! But it’s not only Hell Week, this week will be my first attempt at a 5 workout week and next week I will be hitting a milestone workout. But that will all be shared soon.

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Default ThumbnailJust A Normal Workout Week (or Being Ok With Being Ok) Default ThumbnailA Week Of Progress (or Feeling More Like Me) Default ThumbnailLots Of Running (or Dri-Tri Prep Week) Default ThumbnailFinishing Hell Week (or I Need To Get Back To Running) Default ThumbnailGetting Back To Normal (or Finishing Hell Week and Race Prep) Default ThumbnailMaking It Through The Week (or Going From Feeling Horrible To Feeling Normal)

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Feeling Normal Again (or Happy To Be Back In Control)

Posted on May 5, 2017 | 1 comment

My last few posts have been about getting back to my usual self. While I haven’t been writing about that too much, I think this is something that I’ve been struggling with for a while. It’s easiest to say that I’ve been struggling since I found out about the tumors because it seems like I’m splitting my life into before tumors and after tumors.

As soon as I knew about the tumors, my life got crazy. There was the scheduling of tests and planning for surgery, but that wasn’t what really got to me as much. It was the disconnect I felt with my body and life because I couldn’t understand how I could have massive tumors and not know about them. I felt out of control and not in charge of my own body and life. It’s such an odd feeling and I wasn’t able to express myself properly.

Control is a weird thing for me. Eating disorders are usually all about control. I question if mine is a control thing since I’ve likely had my eating disorder since I was a kid, but maybe it has a little to do with that. I control what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat. While I do feel like I’m in a trace while I’m having a binge episode, maybe there is an element of control in that. So to feel out of control isn’t the best thing for my eating disorder.

And when I found out the surgery was cancelled, my first feeling wasn’t one of relief but one of feeling out of control even more. Now, not only did I have tumors and not know about them but they were able to shrink and there’s no way to know why and I can’t control the shrinking. Also, I didn’t know my tumors were shrinking so I was not able to control anything about that.

I really do feel like my soul and body have healed a lot in the past few days. I don’t know what triggered it, but getting back to my regular life is probably a lot of it. I’m a creature of habit and routine and being able to get back into my routine from pre-tumor time is nice. I haven’t had that since October (when we found out there was something wrong with me) and now that I’ve had a few days in my old routine it’s been very reassuring for me. There are still tumor related things in my life (no birth control pill, needing more medical tests, the possibility of surgery in the future), but this is the closest I’ve been to my old routine in a long time.

I’ve been having such a feeling of calm while doing things that I’m used to doing. Being back to a normal work schedule (and not having to work extra hours to bank them for time off) is so nice. I have free time 2 work mornings a week so I can do errands or just take my time getting ready for the day. I’m adding fun things back into my calendar and not stressing about how I’m spending my time after work (before, I was worried if I should be doing something to prepare for surgery instead of having fun). I’m able to get back to auditioning when opportunities come up and not worry about when the shoot dates are. And I can put the idea of my tumors in the back of my mind when I can.

I’m sure that the tumors are going to be something I worry about the rest of my life. Even if at my next MRI they appear to be completely gone, I will still be at risk for them to come back with any hormonal changes I will have in my life (pregnancy and menopause are the two biggest ones I’ll have to worry about). And if I am pregnant in the future, I will have to be monitored a bit more than most women. But I’m lucky that I have an awesome OB/GYN who has been doing so much research on the tumors and how to take care of patients with them. So I think I’m going to be fine as long as I have her as my doctor.

It’s weird how nice it is to feel like I have control again in my life, but I’m glad that I figured out what was making me feel off and how I could fix it. I’ve been wanting to feel normal again for so long and I guess it just took some self-discovery to figure out what it would take to make that happen.

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Default ThumbnailA Non-Surgery Anniversary (or Another Year Of Being A Medical Miracle) Default ThumbnailExplaining Myself (or It’s Not Disappointment) Default ThumbnailBack To Focusing On Health (or Back To Back Doctor Appointments) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike) Default ThumbnailAnother Attempt At A Reset (or Feeling Sick Got Me Into A Bad Routine) Default ThumbnailGetting Back To Normal (or Friend Hangouts And Doctor Appointments)

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