I am sure I sound like a broken record about talking about how even though I’m vaccinated I’m being very cautious. I’m not going out that much. While I’m doing more than just essential errands and appointments, I’m still not doing that much. I have limited which friends I have seen in person, and when I do see people it tends to be in their home. Even when I see family, we are staying in a home and not going out that much.
And I know doing this is still one of the safer options, but I also know I need to push myself to get out there more. I’m not feeling isolated or pandemic fatigued necessarily. It’s more of my fear of isolating myself unnecessarily when things are safe. It’s hard to feel like it’s ok to go do things that for a year we have been told to do. And it’s hard to find the balance between what are safer risks to take and what is just too much. In some ways, we are lucky here because not everything is open again and they are limiting people so they aren’t too crowded. And everywhere pretty much requires masks unless you are eating or drinking.
I haven’t been to a restaurant yet (although that is actually coming up soon!), and any meals I’ve gotten that I didn’t make myself have either been takeout or delivery. But this past week, I went to a coffee shop and had a coffee in public for the first time in over a year!
I know this doesn’t sound like much, but for me, it was a bit weird and I was worried about things. But I felt like it was a safe way to push myself to be out and about more and feel like I’m easing myself into life again. And fortunately, it wasn’t as weird as I was afraid it would be.
I went to a coffee shop that wasn’t that close to my house because it was for a first date. Going to coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink coffee or alcohol) used to be my go-to first date since it’s casual and easy enough to leave if it is a bad date. Any dating I’ve tried to do in the past year has been tough to find where to meet up with someone, so being able to have a first date like I’m used to was nice. And the coffee shop we went to had a large patio in the back that wasn’t crowded, so we weren’t sitting close to anyone else.
The guy I met was also fully vaccinated, which made me feel a bit better about things too. Since we were sitting there without our masks on for a while, I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about if he might be sick but asymptomatic. And after going on dates where we had to be masked the entire time, it was nice to have a date where I could see his entire face and not feel like I’m not really seeing who he is. I was worried for a little while that it might get more crowded on the patio and that I would feel like I was too close to others and would feel like I needed to wear my mask more, but that didn’t end up happening.
After I got home from my date (which went well, but I don’t have much more to share than that), I realized how nice it was to be out in public with others again without worrying as much as I have over the past year. I’ve said before that the isolation has felt like I was on my own little planet and everyone else was living their lives. But just being at the coffee shop was a nice reminder that I’m a part of the world too. I needed to be a part of the public again. Even when I have friends come over to my house, it still feels a bit isolated. I might not be alone, but we are isolated at home. So going out made me feel like I was a part of the world again.
There are still limited places that I think I’d be open to going to because I need to still be safe and cautious. But just going to this coffee shop reminded me that there are options for places I could go and not feel like I’m taking that much of a risk. It’s not something I will be doing all the time, but it is something I should try to do when I have a chance. Even if I met a friend at a park instead of at my house or theirs might help me feel a bit more involved in the world.
I haven’t built up the skills to figure this out too much. For my entire life until the pandemic, I never had to think about what I could do in public that feels safe. For the past year, I was more focused on how to stay healthy and isolated. I’ve written about how I needed to be more social and to find ways to not isolate as much, but in my head so many of those things didn’t involve too much in public. Now, this is just something else to think about when I’m trying to think of what I can do. And hopefully, I’ll continue to be more comfortable with the few things I’m going to be ok with doing and I keep pushing myself to find the little bits of normalcy that I can get back.
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