Tag Archives: isolation

Mental Health Lessons From The Pandemic (or I’ve Gained New Empathy Over The Past Year)

Posted on June 23, 2021 | Comments Off on Mental Health Lessons From The Pandemic (or I’ve Gained New Empathy Over The Past Year)

I think most of us around the world have an odd time regarding mental health since March 2020. Some gained new anxieties and fears. Some learned how we really are introverts or extroverts. Some gained new coping mechanisms (both healthy and unhealthy). And some learned to prioritize their mental health for the first time. Even though I have been very aware of my mental health and mental health issues, so many things have changed how I think about things because of what we all went through.

I have had some real low points, and I have learned to appreciate the little things that make me happy. And yes, I have picked up some coping mechanisms that aren’t the healthiest and I’m working to fix things so I don’t rely on those as much. And while I do wish we didn’t have to go through all this, it has been interesting to see what things I have learned regarding mental health for myself and for what others experienced.

For example, when things shut down and so many of us were numb, I learned a lot about how our brains protect us when things are too overwhelming and that’s why we might be numb. We might not understand how bad things are even if we have the information and facts. Some people might have been acting like things weren’t as bad as they were because of this. But some people just refused to believe it and were defiant. Most of the people who were numb didn’t speak out too much about feeling that way because they didn’t know that’s what they were experiencing.

And right now, with so many of us hesitating about going back out in the world, there have been discussions and posts online about how some trauma takes time to show in our lives and we might be reacting to the trauma of the shutdown now. Some of the fear and anxiety might have not been felt before if we were numb and now we are seeing how serious things really are. And when you see so many people out there not caring about wearing a mask or being vaccinated, it can make things worse when there are so many unknowns about what happens there is a new surge.

And besides learning about current mental health issues and how they connect with me, I have learned a lot about how this experience relates to things that I had no clue about before. The best example I saw was discussing how the time we are in right now is only a fraction of what people who were in prison and getting out experience.

For a while, we have lived condensed lives. We haven’t seen many people, had to make that many choices about what to do, and we have stopped being social. When someone is leaving prison, they experience so much of the same but also so much more. And I know that I never gave too much thought about how long it might take someone to reenter the world after prison. I know I’ve thought about things from a technology standpoint and thinking how overwhelming it might be if someone went to prison when cell phones were basic and now they are handed an iPhone. But also, now I can understand wanting to stay isolated even when that’s what they’ve been experiencing for so long. Not wanting to be in big groups or around a lot of people makes a lot more sense. When you go from such a limited life to a full life, everything seems like a lot.

And I don’t think I could have truly understood this feeling without experiencing it a bit myself. Even though I do get burnout and overwhelmed, this is a different level of it. It’s almost like sometimes I can’t focus on things because there are so many possibilities for me. There aren’t things I’m necessarily trying to do to overcome this feeling besides be gentle with myself and not feel like I have to go out to do things just because I can.

I’m sure that one day, looking back at this time I will have more lessons I’ve learned and things I appreciate. But for now, I’m just grateful for the little bits that I’ve learned, the new skills I have, and being more aware of situations others may be experiencing.

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Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailMental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never) Default ThumbnailMental Health Month (or There Is No Shame In Therapy) Default ThumbnailWeird Health Issues (or I’m Just Falling Apart) Default ThumbnailFiguring Out Some Self-Care (or Working On My Physical And Mental Health) Default ThumbnailTrying To Have A Normal Workout Week (or I Need OTF For My Mental Health)

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Friends Are Living All Over (or Another Thing Because Of The Pandemic)

Posted on May 19, 2021 | Comments Off on Friends Are Living All Over (or Another Thing Because Of The Pandemic)

Over the past year, so many people have moved. Some moved home to be with family so they didn’t have to be alone. Some moved in with roommates or someone they were dating for the same reason. And some people moved away because of work or other opportunities.

I was very lucky that I wasn’t in a spot where I had to worry about moving. While paying my rent wasn’t easy when I was out of work, I had the money I could use even if I wanted to save it for another reason. To me, staying in my place was important because I love where I live. I toyed with the idea of seeing if I wanted to go stay with family or see if someone wanted to be temporary roommates. But that didn’t happen. I just didn’t find a way to make it work and be a good idea when things were a bit more normal again.

But throughout the past year, several of my friends have moved away from LA. Some of them had these moves planned out before the pandemic started. The timing just happened to be after things shut down. But it was unfortunate because they couldn’t really say goodbye to people. Since they couldn’t have a goodbye party, some people moved and shared that they moved after the fact. And as much as I would have liked to have said goodbye, I knew there was no way I could have done that so I understand why they decided to move that way.

For most of the past year, having friends moving away didn’t really hit me. I wouldn’t have seen them even if they lived down the street while things were shut down. But as things are starting to reopen, I’m missing those friends who moved away more and more. I’m not making plans to see them at workouts or go out to do the things that are finally open again.

And while everyone says making friends as an adult is tough, making friends as an adult while we are coming out of a pandemic is even harder. I’ve had to find new friends before as an adult, and the friends I gained were people I met at different social events or parties. I have no idea how to make new friends who live in LA now (I have made some amazing friends who aren’t local through my Movie Club group on Teleparty).

I know I will find ways to make new friends eventually, and I really am excited for my friends who moved away because they all have moved somewhere that has made them happy or allowed them amazing opportunities that they couldn’t have in LA. But it’s hard not to be sad as this is another part of my old life that is over because of the pandemic. I do try to focus on the excitement of my friends with their new lives in their new cities. And seeing them happy makes me happy. I hope that I can visit some of them when I feel like travel is a bit safer, and I love knowing I have friends all over the country that I could see and explore new cities with.

I know that things always change throughout life. And having friends move away is just a part of that. But I think having it happen with so many friends and combined with the isolation and other issues of the pandemic, it just hit me harder this time. But one thing that this pandemic has taught me is how to stay in touch with people when I can’t be face to face with them. I did that for people who lived down the street when we were all isolated and I can continue to do that for people who are no longer local. I have built the skills to stay virtually connected and I will just have to keep using these skills to stay in touch with my friends.

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Getting Outside A Little More (or I’m Still Hesitant)

Posted on April 23, 2021 | Comments Off on Getting Outside A Little More (or I’m Still Hesitant)

I am sure I sound like a broken record about talking about how even though I’m vaccinated I’m being very cautious. I’m not going out that much. While I’m doing more than just essential errands and appointments, I’m still not doing that much. I have limited which friends I have seen in person, and when I do see people it tends to be in their home. Even when I see family, we are staying in a home and not going out that much.

And I know doing this is still one of the safer options, but I also know I need to push myself to get out there more. I’m not feeling isolated or pandemic fatigued necessarily. It’s more of my fear of isolating myself unnecessarily when things are safe. It’s hard to feel like it’s ok to go do things that for a year we have been told to do. And it’s hard to find the balance between what are safer risks to take and what is just too much. In some ways, we are lucky here because not everything is open again and they are limiting people so they aren’t too crowded. And everywhere pretty much requires masks unless you are eating or drinking.

I haven’t been to a restaurant yet (although that is actually coming up soon!), and any meals I’ve gotten that I didn’t make myself have either been takeout or delivery. But this past week, I went to a coffee shop and had a coffee in public for the first time in over a year!

I know this doesn’t sound like much, but for me, it was a bit weird and I was worried about things. But I felt like it was a safe way to push myself to be out and about more and feel like I’m easing myself into life again. And fortunately, it wasn’t as weird as I was afraid it would be.

I went to a coffee shop that wasn’t that close to my house because it was for a first date. Going to coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink coffee or alcohol) used to be my go-to first date since it’s casual and easy enough to leave if it is a bad date. Any dating I’ve tried to do in the past year has been tough to find where to meet up with someone, so being able to have a first date like I’m used to was nice. And the coffee shop we went to had a large patio in the back that wasn’t crowded, so we weren’t sitting close to anyone else.

The guy I met was also fully vaccinated, which made me feel a bit better about things too. Since we were sitting there without our masks on for a while, I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about if he might be sick but asymptomatic. And after going on dates where we had to be masked the entire time, it was nice to have a date where I could see his entire face and not feel like I’m not really seeing who he is. I was worried for a little while that it might get more crowded on the patio and that I would feel like I was too close to others and would feel like I needed to wear my mask more, but that didn’t end up happening.

After I got home from my date (which went well, but I don’t have much more to share than that), I realized how nice it was to be out in public with others again without worrying as much as I have over the past year. I’ve said before that the isolation has felt like I was on my own little planet and everyone else was living their lives. But just being at the coffee shop was a nice reminder that I’m a part of the world too. I needed to be a part of the public again. Even when I have friends come over to my house, it still feels a bit isolated. I might not be alone, but we are isolated at home. So going out made me feel like I was a part of the world again.

There are still limited places that I think I’d be open to going to because I need to still be safe and cautious. But just going to this coffee shop reminded me that there are options for places I could go and not feel like I’m taking that much of a risk. It’s not something I will be doing all the time, but it is something I should try to do when I have a chance. Even if I met a friend at a park instead of at my house or theirs might help me feel a bit more involved in the world.

I haven’t built up the skills to figure this out too much. For my entire life until the pandemic, I never had to think about what I could do in public that feels safe. For the past year, I was more focused on how to stay healthy and isolated. I’ve written about how I needed to be more social and to find ways to not isolate as much, but in my head so many of those things didn’t involve too much in public. Now, this is just something else to think about when I’m trying to think of what I can do. And hopefully, I’ll continue to be more comfortable with the few things I’m going to be ok with doing and I keep pushing myself to find the little bits of normalcy that I can get back.

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Taking More Steps Back Out Into The World (or Isolation Feels Like My Normal)

Posted on April 2, 2021 | Comments Off on Taking More Steps Back Out Into The World (or Isolation Feels Like My Normal)

We are almost 13 months into the pandemic. There are so many things that we have been different for over a year and just feel normal to us now. Wearing a mask is something I don’t love because it makes me feel a bit claustrophobic, but is a habit to me now. The few times I’ve been around others without a mask almost feel weird. Shopping for some basics before I run really low is another thing that I used to not do but is normal to me now. I don’t hoard things, but I also don’t let myself get to where I really need to get something within a day or two. For example, I used to not care if I ran out of contact lens solution because I’d just go to the store the next day. Now, when I see it’s getting low, I plan a trip to get that and other things within the next week. I’m not necessarily scared of not being able to get something, but I like to not feel like I really need it immediately.

But there are a few things I’ve gotten used to that I’m not as ok with. I have become a bit more of a germaphobe in the last year (just like so many others). I’m not fearful to the point of not leaving my house ever, but I do plan when I’m going to be out in public so I don’t have to do it as often and I can combine errands so I do a lot in one day and not one thing each day. I do miss having my errands more spread out since it’s a great way to feel like I’m done with one part of my day and moving on to the next (like what I want in my challenge this month). And maybe soon I will feel better about going out more often. I’m considered fully vaccinated this weekend, so that’s making me feel a little more protected even though I will still be doing a lot of the same precautions.

But I am taking a few more chances that before seemed like unnecessary risks. They are silly things that I’m doing, but it’s helping me ease back into what my life was like and not always feeling like I need to be as isolated as I’ve been. For example, it had been a while since I took my car to the mechanic. I wasn’t worried about it at all last year. I didn’t really drive that much the entire year. And I probably wouldn’t have worried about it just yet except that I got an alert on my car about my tire pressure. This is something I know I can do myself, but I’m also going to be going to Santa Barbara this weekend and I wanted to make sure my car didn’t have any other issues before I drove (I have too much history of car issues in my old car on longer drives). So earlier this week, I went to the mechanic after work.

My plan originally was to wait there for my car to be done since I could just wear a mask and read my book. But they thought it might take a bit longer so they offered to drive me home and they’d come to get me when it was done. While I have been in cars with friends and family over the past year, this was the first time I was in the car with someone I didn’t know. Not something I thought about too much before, but something I also wouldn’t have done even a month or two ago. Even though we were both wearing masks and had the windows open, it only felt ok to me since I’m almost considered fully vaccinated. I know I’m probably overcautious and paranoid, but that’s how my thinking went.

I want to feel ok doing things like going to stores for clothes and other errands instead of doing deliveries. I’ve only gone into a few stores in the past year (I can honestly only think of 1 CVS, 1 Vons, and 1 Trader Joe’s). I know it will take time for me to feel ok going to restaurants or movies again, but I still want to find things that push me out of the isolation bubble I’ve been in. Once I go back to Orangetheory (which hopefully will be soon), I think that will help me a lot. It’s going to be slow steps forward to getting back into being in the public again. A stark contrast when compared to how suddenly everything shut down.

I’m grateful that I’ve had the ability to stay home and isolated for the past year. I know not everyone could do that and many were not able to stay healthy. And I’m also lucky that I live in a state that seems to be having fewer cases and not seeing an increase (at least for now). And while I do still need to be careful and safe because things aren’t back to normal yet, I’m also making sure that I get out of the habit of being so isolated and start getting used to the possiblity of being out and about again.

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A Year Into The Pandemic (or This Is Still Such A Weird Time)

Posted on March 16, 2021 | Comments Off on A Year Into The Pandemic (or This Is Still Such A Weird Time)

We marked 1 year of this pandemic recently. The past week or so has been a lot of 1-year markers for many of us. 1 year since people went to their office. 1 year since they went to a gym. 1 year since they’ve socialized with friends and family. 1 year since things seemed “normal”.

I’ve had a lot of those thoughts recently. I remember the last normal feeling day. I just wrote about the last time I went to Orangetheory in the studio. The last musical that I went to was just over a year ago. The last big social event I went to was over a year ago and I remember us all talking about COVID and being grateful that it wasn’t affecting us too much. If only we knew what was coming for us.

And I remember when everything shut down. I was terrified about what was happening and I didn’t know what to do. There was so much fear in those first few weeks of the pandemic. And while I wasn’t trying to hoard supplies or anything like that, I know that I did a little bit of panic buying. But I also was hoping to find a way to only need to get groceries every 2 weeks. That didn’t last too long for other reasons and now I’m doing grocery delivery about once a week and then going to Trader Joe’s maybe once or twice a month for other things I can’t get delivered.

Even though things are a bit calmer with grocery shopping, I do still have some anxiety from over a year ago. When I’m running low on something that was harder to get a year ago, I start to worry. I am buying refills for things sooner than I used to because I want to allow time in case I can’t get what I need. Going to the grocery store still makes me anxious. I’m grateful that at least there aren’t big lines at the stores anymore, so I can do my errands a bit quicker. But it’s still an errand that I am not always happy to do because of the anxiety.

So many of my friends have been sharing recently about how a year ago their work life was so different. This is one thing that doesn’t feel too different for me. I did lose one job and get another one, but I’ve been working from home for a long time now so it doesn’t seem like a huge change. I have had more changes recently with work because of some new responsibilities and other things connected to my work, but these are also things that I was hoping would happen so it feels much more like I’m finally getting closer to where I want to be with work.

So much has changed in my life when I look back at a year ago, but I think the biggest change has been the feeling of isolation. I still struggle so much with feeling like I’m on my own little planet and that there’s nobody out there doing what I’m doing. I know that isn’t true, but the isolation makes me feel that way. And I have been working on being a little less isolated. I still am not really going out or seeing that many people, but I have allowed myself to see friends who I know are taking the same precautions that I am. I’m less than 3 weeks away before I can feel safer seeing friends one on one, even if they aren’t vaccinated. And I can’t wait for that time. A year ago, I never really knew how lonely I could feel. I was fine having alone time, but loneliness is so different and something that I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for.

I know we are getting closer and closer to the end of this pandemic. More people are being vaccinated every day. Case numbers are going down and hospitalizations have been going down even faster. I know there is a goal to have an almost normal 4th of July this year, and that would be amazing.

A year ago, I know that we were told that we were going to be isolating for 2 weeks to make things safe. I had a feeling it wouldn’t just be 2 weeks. But if someone told me a year ago that we’d still be doing this a year later, I wouldn’t have believed it. I also don’t know if I could have handled it knowing I had a year of loneliness ahead of me. But I have made it through this past year, and I’m very lucky to be able to say that. And I will make it through whatever time left we have to do this.

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Scheduling And Joy (or Continuing To Plan For When Things Are Coming Back)

Posted on March 2, 2021 | Comments Off on Scheduling And Joy (or Continuing To Plan For When Things Are Coming Back)

Last month, my monthly challenge was to work on writing a schedule for each day so I wouldn’t forget to do things I need to do. It’s been a rough adjustment from being out of work to being back to a full day most days. And even though I didn’t have a ton of stuff to do outside of working and my workouts each day, I was still noticing where my days were being wasted doing things I didn’t need to do and where I was forgetting to do things I wanted to get done. So creating a schedule for each day seemed to be a good challenge.

I had an old notepad that was designed for doing daily schedules on, so that’s what I used. It had a few sections on the page that I didn’t really need or wanted to use, but it was easy enough to use it. And for the most part, it worked. I started off strong with doing the schedule every day. Then I realized I only felt like I needed it when I had other things to do in my day. If I just had my work and workout and nothing else to do, then I didn’t do them. But when I had work meetings, things to make sure I was watching, or other tasks like doing my taxes; then it was perfect.

And I think that’s exactly how I want to keep using this idea. I don’t always have to create a daily schedule (although I am getting better at setting alerts for things that go into my calendar app so that’s helpful). But when I have something different or extra in my day, this is the best way to make sure I get it done. Even if I just make a to-do list with tasks, that’s helping me to remember to do things. And I know that as my schedule starts to fill up in the future, doing this is going to help keep me on track and not let things slip my mind.

And connected to the idea of my schedule filling up, I want my monthly challenge this month to be about finding more joy in my life. I’m still pretty isolated and lonely, but last month ended up being my most social month in almost a year. My parents were here for the day. I got to spend time with a friend (who is being as safe and isolated as I am). I did a few other fun things that I haven’t written about just yet. I felt like I was starting to have a life again. And even though I have known how badly I needed this, I don’t think it really hit me until I allowed myself to have more joy in my life again.

It’s still going to be hard to find ways to do this. I have very few friends that I could see in person right now because many of them have jobs that require them to be around a lot of people. Or they have someone in their household who is extremely high risk and they can’t risk seeing anyone. I am not going to take too many risks these days because I know we are getting so much closer to the end of the pandemic. I don’t want to slip and then get sick. People are still getting sick and dying every day. But at the same time, I have seen how much better I feel when I have things that feel much more like my old life back.

I’m going to look into more online events that my friends and I can all watch together. I might look into outdoor things too, but that might be a bit more of a risk than I want to do just yet. I have been wanting to do this for a long time, but this is the first time I have this push after experiencing a small bit of my old social life back again. And I think knowing what I’m missing and not being so separate from it is going to help motivate me to try harder.

I do still want to be hopeful that it won’t be that much longer before things are safer and I won’t have to work as hard to find ways to have joy, but I’m not going to depend on that hope. I’ve done that for almost a year now and I know that for my mental health, I can’t keep putting it off any longer.

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Vaccine Envy Is Real (or Trying To Stay Positive)

Posted on February 25, 2021 | Comments Off on Vaccine Envy Is Real (or Trying To Stay Positive)

The other day on the news, they were talking about people experiencing vaccine envy. This is when you are upset that you haven’t been vaccinated when others have and you may do things that aren’t the best to try to get vaccinated sooner. Some people have tried to lie about their age or job in order to be vaccinated in a higher-risk group. Others have tried to bribe doctors to let them cut the line.

And there are some legitimate ways to jump the line if you have the time and ability to do so. Most places will have leftover doses at the end of the day. They have to use up all the doses in a vial because they cannot be put back in the freezer. So different states have organized different ways to be on a waitlist or standby list for those extra doses at the end of the day. Los Angeles doesn’t have a great system for this, but it’s still possible to be lined up for the chance at an early vaccine. A friend of mine did that and waited outside in a line all day and was one of the lucky few toward the front of the line that got a vaccine that day.

I have no problem with the standby lines since it is better to see the vaccine go to someone who wants it than to throw doses away. But I do see that it can be a privilege to be able to wait in line all day. Other states have online lists you can join and you are notified if there are extra doses. And maybe LA will do that soon. But for now, I can’t take a day off work to wait in line and I’m ok waiting my turn.

Hopefully, my turn for a vaccine will be soon. There are two ways I should be eligible for a vaccine in March. But getting an appointment for a vaccine is still tough to find here and because one is based on a medical condition, there aren’t a lot of things out there about how to get an appointment. I called my hospital and they don’t have a policy in place just yet. But they told me to keep checking the recorded phone line and to call when I hear of a way I could get my appointment set up. I don’t blame anyone for the confusion about the next round of appointments for people who are eligible. It’s confusing for everyone and I know everyone involved is trying their best with the information they have at the moment. And that information changes often.

And while I don’t have vaccine envy the way that some people do with trying to find any way to get a vaccine, I know I do have a form of vaccine envy. Or maybe it could be a lack of concern about the pandemic envy. For almost a year, I have rarely left my house and rarely seen anyone in person. I have been taking so many precautions to not get sick. And while I’m so grateful I have physically stayed healthy, mentally this time has been so hard on me. And I wish I could be someone who wasn’t always in fear of getting sick. I wish I didn’t stress out about seeing friends because they might not be taking the same precautions as I am. I miss having a life outside of the walls of my house. And in a way, I’m jealous of people who don’t care. I know that caring about being safe is important and if more people did that then maybe things wouldn’t be as bad. But it’s still hard to not be jealous of those who don’t care and haven’t had to give up their life for almost a year.

But I know this time is temporary. I will get a vaccine. Hopefully, it’s next month, but even if it isn’t, I will be getting one eventually. And I am luckier than most because I will be eligible in one of the next groups. It’s just a matter of time for when I get an appointment. And I know that getting a vaccine won’t fix everything or make it completely safe for me. But it will take the edge off of my fear and I won’t have to worry as much about COVID killing me. And having even a little of my fear go away is something I can’t wait for and is giving a little hope even when I’m having darker moments.

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Thoughts Almost A Year Into The Pandemic (or Things Still Seem So Weird)

Posted on February 19, 2021 | Comments Off on Thoughts Almost A Year Into The Pandemic (or Things Still Seem So Weird)

In a month, it will be 1 year since things shut down in California. I know the pandemic didn’t necessarily start when things shut down, but that’s the date most people seem to be using. I remember before things shut down how we knew about COVID and that it was starting to appear here, but we didn’t think it was going to get that bad.

I remember very clearly being at the baby shower for my nephew and how we were talking about cases but there weren’t any thoughts about it getting severe here. Nobody was wearing masks, we were crowded into a small room, and there was a big crowd. The idea of it almost makes me anxious thinking back at what we were doing and how little we were worried. That was only 11 months ago. And shortly after the baby shower, everything changed.

While I never thought of this weird time as something fun or interesting, it was a bit of a novelty at first. I think everyone who used to work in offices was getting a kick out of working from home. I was happy to share any tips and tricks I had learned from working from home for years. People who lost their jobs didn’t seem too worried at first because they seemed like temporary layoffs. I remember when my Orangetheory studio shut down, they were saying it would probably be open again in a month. We all assumed this time would be a brief blip and we’d be back to what felt normal to us before we knew it.

And I know there are people out there that haven’t had too many changes in their lives. There are some people who didn’t really have a choice and still had to go to work even if they didn’t feel safe, like grocery store employees. And there are others who either didn’t believe this was as bad as people said or they didn’t care and they continued living their lives normally with no concern about safety.

While I thought of the lockdown as a bit of a novelty at first, I was also terrified. I hated that I was alone and so far from family. I didn’t have a way to have someone come stay with me and the options for me to stay with others weren’t ones that would work with me. I know I thought about maybe going to Tahoe to be with my parents for a bit of time, but I kept thinking I didn’t want to be gone once things opened up in LA and I could get back to my regular life again. Plus, it’s a long drive to do and I wasn’t going to fly.

After I lost my job, I had some time where I felt lost. I didn’t have much keeping me to a schedule. I had nothing I had to do at specific times and could just do whatever I wanted. I know I wasted a lot of time then doing nothing productive and getting into some bad habits. Some of those bad habits are still things I’m trying to break right now. But I am grateful that I have something to do most days and I have to be forced to create a schedule for myself again. It’s still a struggle, but I’m getting better at it (and that’s why it’s my challenge this month).

But the main thing I think about when I think back on the past 11 months is that I feel like I just wasted a year of my life. I know I didn’t do that, but it really does feel that way. I spent the past 11 months feeling stuck in time. And yes, I got a new job and had some changes to an old job that will be very good for me in the future, but that’s all I feel like I’ve accomplished. I haven’t made any movement forward in my fitness and weight loss goals (and I’ve really gone backward). I know my eating disorder is in a worse spot because of how we have to limit going to the grocery store so I have to keep more food in my house than I’d like to. I haven’t experienced anything new or exciting. And I feel like I’ve lost a year of trying to date and find my person. And because I still got a year older while I was trapped at home, that could possibly cause issues for me if I want to have kids in the future. My fertility didn’t pause like everything else in my life did.

I’ve joked that it’s not fair that any of us had birthdays last year. None of us should have to be a year old. I want to get my year back. But at the same time, I worry about how long it will take for me to feel safe and comfortable again even when this pandemic is done. How long will it take before I can trust that going out won’t make me sick? Will I be hesitant to go meet up with friends or go on a date if I don’t know if they’ve been out with a lot of other people? The only thing I’m not too worried about getting back is going to my workouts, but even that makes me nervous because of how I’m not worried. I don’t want to go back to working out and then that’s the reason I get sick.

I know we still have a ways to go before we can say this pandemic is over. Some estimates say this summer, some say by the end of the year. So there is a chance that I will lose almost 2 years of my life to being isolated due to the pandemic. I hope that’s not the case, but I also know that I can’t do anything to make this end faster besides staying at home so I’m not the reason others get sick.

Sorry if this was a random and rambling post. While I’m doing better mentally than I have in the past in many ways, I’m also still struggling with thinking about how long I’ve been doing this and what I haven’t been able to do. I hate feeling trapped in time, but that’s exactly how I feel. And when you live alone, it’s hard because sometimes it feels like you are the only one trapped and everyone else is out and living their lives like normal.

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Getting Hopeful About The Vaccine (or Why I’m Being Even More Careful Now)

Posted on January 21, 2021 | Comments Off on Getting Hopeful About The Vaccine (or Why I’m Being Even More Careful Now)

Since March, I’ve been very careful with what I do. I don’t leave my house that often. I try to get most of the things I need delivered to my house so I can avoid going to the store. There are a few times I do go to the store to get things, but that’s pretty rare. I usually only do that if it’s a store that I can’t get things delivered to me or if I have an urgent need to get something (like when I needed more bandages and had to go to CVS instead of waiting on a delivery).

I have seen friends and family very few times. When I do see people, it’s typically wearing masks and I’m doing a full quarantine before and after. If I can’t be outside when I see people, usually windows and doors are open. I know that even doing that isn’t as safe as it can be, but it’s better than not taking any precautions and I have tried to limit those visits as much as I can. It’s hard to not see anyone in real life, so having a few times where I can see people has helped in the very lonely moments.

I feel like in a way I have become a bit of a germaphobe and agoraphobic, but I feel like these fears are temporary and should go away once it’s safer to be out and I don’t feel like it’s a big health risk to be out and about. I’m not fearful of anything other than COVID as far as germs go. So once that isn’t an issue, I don’t see why I would still be scared. I want to leave my house and do more, but COVID is the one thing holding me back from doing that right now.

And with all the precautions and measures I’ve been taking lately, I’ve actually started to do more work to keep me safe now. This may seem odd because we now have a vaccine and people are starting to be vaccinated, but that’s exactly why I am being more careful now.

I feel very good about the vaccine. It is amazing how well it is showing to stop COVID and the technology that led to this vaccine might be able to do some great things for other diseases and conditions. I will be getting the vaccine the moment that I am able to. I still have to wait because I’m not in a group that is eligible yet, but I hope that in the next month or two I will be able to get my first shot.

My brother (who works in an ER) has already gotten both of his shots. My parents (who fit into the older age category) got their first one earlier this week and have an appointment for their second one next month. My cousin (who is a nurse) has also already gotten one vaccine. I’m so grateful that my family is hopefully going to be safe and soon I won’t have to worry about them as much as I have been worried over the past year.

And it’s just a matter of time before I will get a vaccine and be protected. But I don’t want to be the person who takes risks before being fully vaccinated and gets sick at the end. I remember reading stories of people who died right before they could have been saved, and to me, that is one of the saddest things. In almost all of those cases, the people died at no fault of their own. But in this case, I can have a little control over whether or not I get sick. I don’t have to take risks now when we are almost at the end. The finish line is closer and I don’t need to rush anything. I don’t love being isolated, but I’m almost done with it. And being isolated for another few months is worth knowing that I am safe and healthy.

I do not want to get sick when I am so close to not having to worry about it. And hopefully, once I’m vaccinated there will be enough people vaccinated that we will see a big decrease in cases. That will protect others who won’t be vaccinated yet. There will be a snowball effect of decreasing risk. And while we don’t know if this is going to be an annual thing that we need to be vaccinated against, like the flu, I think we all need to see that we can get past this time to feel better about any times we have to battle it in the future. If we see the vaccines end the pandemic, hopefully if there needs to be an annual booster people will get it.

I know that I won’t be able to just be free and do anything once I’m vaccinated, but I think it will help take the edge off of my fear about getting sick. I will still take a lot of precautions and will probably stay isolated a little longer until more people are vaccinated and the cases are much lower than they are now. But knowing I’m almost safe and protected is giving me so much hope and I just have to keep going with that feeling.

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Making The Month A Little Less Lonely (or Still Trying To Find Challenges To Do While Isolated)

Posted on January 6, 2021 | Comments Off on Making The Month A Little Less Lonely (or Still Trying To Find Challenges To Do While Isolated)

I got another Volt Planner for 2021, so I’ll be doing another year full of goal setting! I love using this planner for setting weekly, monthly, and annual goals as well as monthly challenges. I also use it to track my daily intentions and my gratitude list. It is a planner so I can track other things, but that’s what I mainly use it for. When I was able to work out at the Orangetheory studios, I would also use it for some workout tracking. But since I’ve been working out at home, I don’t really do that.

It really is the perfect planner for me and I’ve been using them for several years now. I keep all my old planners because it’s interesting to see what I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come. My collection is pretty decent so far.

My monthly challenges used to be much more excited. But since we’ve had to isolate at home, they are not as grand and much more personal. For December, my challenge was to get myself ready for 2021. And I did a fair amount of preparation with things I wanted to do like getting different parts of my house organized. But the plan to prep was sidetracked a bit by getting a new job. I think that’s a very good excuse to be sidetracked. And in a way, getting a new job was preparing me for this year. I needed a new job so I wouldn’t be struggling as much. But there was some other stuff I wanted to do that I didn’t get a chance to, like doing some rearranging of things in my kitchen. But nothing I didn’t do was urgent so I can get them done this month.

And for this month’s challenge, I was a bit inspired by the idea of how we’ve all been isolated for so long. And being isolated at home doesn’t have to mean being completely isolated from the people you love. I know that I have been isolating myself more than I’d like to, but it’s what happened to me when I was feeling low. It’s so much easier for me to ask a friend to get dinner or hang out if I’m lonely compared to asking if we could have some sort of virtual hangout. But virtual hangouts are really all we can do (with few exceptions).

So my challenge for this month is to not isolate myself from my friends completely and to make sure that I connect with someone that I care about every day. This means I can’t go run an errand like go get groceries and count seeing people in the store or talking to the cashier as a connection. This has to be with a friend or family member.

And I know there are different levels of being able to connect with someone. Right now, the thing that would make me happiest is seeing someone in person (outdoors and keeping a distance between us). This isn’t the easiest thing to do, and also not necessarily the safest for now. If I can make this happen, awesome. But I also understand that for now, I might not be able to do this at all this month. But it’s something to hope for. Next, would be doing a video call. These are totally safe, but so many people have Zoom/video chat fatigue. I get that. Then I would put phone calls next on my list and texts/message groups last.

My goal is to not just do texts every day with friends, but I know that there will be days where texts are the best I can do. I hopefully can have more phone and video calls with friends and family this month and continue that beyond this month until we can all safely meet in person.

I’ve been isolated at home for almost 10 months now, and it’s really getting to me. It’s easy to avoid people, but I know that it’s not the best thing for me to do. So hopefully this challenge this month will get me back to being more social in whatever ways I can and I can feel much better about the current situation. I need to figure out how to be happier while I wait for things to be safer. And I know having time with friends and family will help do that.

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