Tag Archives: diet

It’s Been A Weird Food Week (or Trying Not To Think Too Much About This)

Since I had the procedure last week, I have been on a weird diet. I was prepared that I might be in a lot of pain the day or so after and that I probably wouldn’t want to have to chew food. I wasn’t expecting to have my jaw hurt for so many days as well as have difficulty opening my mouth all the way because of where the stitches are. I haven’t been able to chew food properly since getting the stitches in and I’ve pretty much been on a liquid diet for a week.

I’ve done different forms of liquid diets in the past. I had the medically supervised one I did over 10 years ago when I lost a ton of weight. I’ve occasionally had to do liquid diets when I have different dental issues or when I was sick. I try to have some sense of variety in it, but I’m usually just having different types of smoothies or protein shakes and soup. It’s not the most ideal thing to do, but when it’s not easy to eat solid food it’s what I have to do.

I know there are a bunch of ways I could make a liquid diet unhealthy or how someone could gain weight from it. That’s not usually the case for me. This past week, the first few days were actually a struggle to eat because of the pain I was in. Once my appetite came back, things were a bit easier for me but I was still limited in what I could have. I still was eating pretty much the same thing I was having before and I was trying to be cautious about the quality of what I was eating.

I know that I was not getting enough calories in each day and because of that I lost weight. Losing weight is a good thing for me, but I don’t want to lose weight this way. This is how I lost it when I was on the medically supervised diet and I know it’s not a sustainable lifestyle. Eating how I’ve been eating for the past week isn’t sustainable either. But it’s hard not to be a little optimistic about losing weight this easily and to be swayed that maybe I should do this.

Even though my eating disorder is not about restriction, I do think that all eating disorders are related and that it might be easy to switch from one to another. I don’t want to get into a restrictive mindset and form a different set of bad habits. It’s hard not to want to keep doing this when I see results, but I know that eventually the results won’t keep happening and that I might think I need to restrict even more to keep going. I can see the slippery slope of how things can get really bad and I’m actively thinking about avoiding that.

But on the other hand, I do want to at least maintain the progress I’ve had this past week. I have had other times where I had to be on restricted food for one reason or another and then when I could eat normally again I gained back everything I had lost. I am currently doing one of the Orangetheory Transformation Challenges and while I’m not doing anything too crazy diet-wise I also don’t want to gain weight during this challenge. I always struggle with finding the balance in my food and I know that balance is also finding the middle between this restricted diet and what I normally eat. I wish that my stomach would shrink super easily and it would be difficult to stretch, but I think I’m the opposite.

I am trying to celebrate the weight loss I had while not putting too much thought into how I got them and putting too much on what I did to see the results. I would love if this time is the time that I am able to make the change, but I’m also realistic. I hate that there is a very high chance that I will gain back what I lost and that I will be back to my old diet and have binges again. One day things will click in my head and will change and maybe that’s now. But I’ve also learned enough from this happening multiple times before that I can’t get too down if that doesn’t happen and I can’t be too focused on the results from this weird food week.

Learning Lessons (or What Being Sick Taught Me)

I’m finally feeling almost 90% better now. This past week seemed to drag on as I felt off, but I’m glad that I almost feel like myself again. I’m questioning if the residual uncomfortableness is related to my liver, but I won’t find that out until I meet with the surgeon in a week and a half. And I think that going to Disneyland was good for my mental health and that helped me to feel better.

I’m still being very careful with what I’m eating and trying to take things easier than I normally do. I don’t want to do anything that will make me feel horrible again and being cautious makes me feel a bit in control in a situation that feels very out of control to me right now.

Now that I’m almost over whatever stomach thing I had, I’ve been reflecting a bit on what good things came out of this. Obviously, discovering that there may be a cyst on my liver is something good to learn about. If I didn’t have the stomach pain, I wouldn’t have known until it was worse and it may have been a more urgent situation. And I’m starting to wonder if my stomach pain was my body telling me to get checked out. I know when my mom found out she had cancer, it was because of a suspicious bruise that wouldn’t go away. The bruise had nothing to do with cancer, but it was what got her to the doctor and to do all the medical testing. Maybe my body was doing the same thing.

I’ve been on a pretty restricted diet since last Wednesday. At first, it was just clear liquids (chicken broth and jello) and has moved to soft foods. I’m starting to eat more normally now, but I’m still keeping things a bit restricted. This doesn’t feel like a weight loss diet, but that’s what it is. I’m eating mainly fruits and some vegetables with very little meat. This is not the most restrictive diet I’ve been on, but it’s up there.

But because of these restrictions I’ve been rediscovering foods that I love or that I forgot could be just fine for a meal. I’ve rediscovered cream of wheat (although the exact packets I loved before don’t seem to be in stores anymore). I make it with water and have a banana with it and it’s a pretty filling breakfast or lunch. I’ve had cheese and crackers for dinner one night when I was feeling a bit full and knew I still needed to eat something. And I’ve been looking at making the sautéed vegetables again that I used to have a lot when I was on the cleanse I did last year.

All of those foods are things that I could have had before, but I either forgot I enjoyed them or was so focused on other things that I wanted to eat that they just didn’t come to mind. These are all good and healthy things for me to eat and I need to work on keeping them in regular rotation. While I’m still a believer that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie, there is a difference in how you feel when your calories are from a variety of foods versus a binge of one food.

I’ve also learned how to be gentle with myself. It’s not easy to take things easy, especially when you know you have so much you need to get done. I don’t want to be lazy and sit on the couch all day because that reminds me of myself when I wasn’t working hard at bettering myself. But sometimes, you need to have those days on the couch doing nothing. It was important for me to do that so I could get better and if I had pushed myself I know I wouldn’t be feeling as good as I do now.

And finally, I’ve learned to accept the out of control feeling again that I really hate. Right now because my liver isn’t healthy, I can’t take any painkillers. I hate the idea that I might be in pain and can’t take something to make it better. But I have to deal with that now and it’s been a good thing for me. I may have been taking too many painkillers for what I really need (I usually took 3-4 a week so it wasn’t close to what the maximum I could take would be). I’ve had to tolerate a bunch of needles lately. In the last month I’ve had 3 blood draws, 3 shots, and 1 IV for an MRI. And I’ve got at least one more IV coming up next week. It’s not fun, it’s not easy, and I can’t do anything to change it. So I have to learn how to accept something I can’t fix and make it the best situation I can.

While I wish I could have learned all these things without getting sick, at least knowing something good came out of it makes me feel a bit better about the situation. I know that I may need this positive thinking to continue as I do more tests on my liver and find out what a surgeon thinks needs to happen. Maybe I will learn more lessons from this whole liver situation to make it even seem more worthwhile that I had to go through something that isn’t that great. I know how easy it can be for me to get sucked into feeling sorry for myself (I had that happen when I got sick last week) and I am refocusing my energy on learning what I can from the circumstances I’m in.

Finishing Up The Cleanse (or Some Lessons I’ve Learned)

If you are considering doing this cleanse, Nykki has decided to do another flash sale for my readers! Just go to her website, pick out which cleanse you want to do, and enter the promo code: LOVE 

Today is the final day of the cleanse! These 28 days have gone by super quickly, but at the same time it seems like forever ago that I started.

This past week was a breeze compared to the two weeks before. Not having to do any detox drinks or tonics made everything seem so simple. Although it was weird not having to get up all the time during work to take a shot of a tonic. I’m also glad that I’m not drinking orange juice all the time anymore. As much as I love orange juice, I don’t like drinking it all the time. Plus, it’s just extra calories in my day.

While I did make a few new dishes this week, most of my meals were pretty basic. A banana for breakfast, apples with nut butter or veggies and bean dip for lunch, and rice bowls for dinner.

I also made my new favorite meal, sautéed potatoes and onions. It’s not the prettiest dish, but it is so yummy and so filling!

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I think after today when I can add dairy back into my life, this dish will be improved by a scoop of greek yogurt (which I prefer over sour cream).

I’ve really loved having all my meals prepared by me so I can make them exactly how I want them. And it’s nice to see so many pretty colors in my fridge.

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And my plan is to keep going in a very similar way that I’ve been doing on the cleanse. I am not going to stay vegan. I feel no need for that, and I know that I need more protein in my diet to continue pushing myself in my workouts.

But I’m not going to go crazy starting tomorrow either. For a while, I said that my plan was to eat a steak on my first non-cleanse day. I’ve pretty much changed my mind on that. I will be going to a very nice steakhouse in 2 weeks with my mom and sister-in-law, and I think I can wait until then to eat a steak.

I still have about 2 weeks left in the Orangetheory weight loss challenge. And while I don’t believe that I could win the national challenge, I think that I might be able to place in it and maybe even win the local challenge. So the idea of going crazy with food right away isn’t appealing to me.

I’ve also had some “ah-ha” moments while on this cleanse (mental clarity is one of the effects of doing this cleanse). I realized that obviously I don’t have to live the rest of my life with these food restrictions. But if I keep these restrictions (or something similar to these restrictions) at home, that means I can go out and splurge on meals without it having as much of an effect on me. In the past, I’ve allowed myself cheat meals and treats at home. I really think I need to limit those and make my cheat meals out. That way there is only one serving and I don’t have to deal with any leftovers at home.

This may seem like a silly or stupid realization, but as someone who has always been all or nothing, it’s a big deal. I’m hoping that I will be able to maintain this new mindset, and with the new mindset I will continue to see results.

It’s so funny how much I learned from this cleansing process. When I went into it, I mainly did it for the weight loss (and I did lose a good amount of weight). But I really gained so much more out of it that I never could have expected.

The End Of The Cleanse Tonics (or Time To Start The Transition Back)

It’s almost the end of the 3rd week of the cleanse! As this post goes up, I have just today left on the 3rd week. Then I go back to a schedule very similar to the first week, which means no more tonics or detox drinks.

I really have not minded the detox drinks at all. The stuff I put into them have pretty much no flavor, so they just taste like the orange juice I put in it. The tonics, on the other hand, have extremely strong flavors. Maybe if I loved those strong flavors, it would have been a bit easier. But I managed to drink all the tonics without having issues by holding my nose (therefore not being able to taste them).

While of course I’m loving the weight that I’ve lost so far, I’m even enjoying the other results I’m getting more. I’m having an easier time falling asleep and I have had more energy in the morning. And I’m experience a mental clarity that I don’t know I’ve ever had before. It’s almost like I had smeared glasses on before and now they are clean. Things just seem so obvious and simple to me now when before I might get overwhelmed by them.

I’ve been able to be more proactive in getting things done including errands and chores I’ve been putting off and scheduling doctor’s appointments that I’ve been worried about. I already have an appointment with a new potential hip surgeon next month and I’m working on meeting with a doctor regarding the new medication for binge eating.

I’m also loving that my groceries have been much cheaper than usual. I think that this is due to the lack of dairy and meat, so the reduced price won’t last forever. But if I reduce the meat/dairy that I bring back into my life (or at least into the thing that I cook at home), I can keep my weekly grocery spending down. But as an example, this week, I spent just over $30 on groceries for the entire week! I used to spend closer to $80!

Plus, my grocery cart looks so nice and colorful now!

TJ Grocery Cart

I do eat pretty repetitive foods (I guess that would be a food rut), but I’m not bored with them yet. And I did make my hash brown like potatoes with onions the other night. Potatoes are allowed on the cleanse but only in limited amounts. So I’ll probably make this again next week, but I can’t make it again this week.

Now that I’m going to start the transition phase for the next week, I’m planning ahead to what I want to eat when I’m done with the cleanse. I’m going to work really hard to maintain the cleanse plan for next week, but it might be a bit tough.

I will be going to an event on Monday evening where I really can’t bring my own food. I’m hoping to eat an early dinner and maybe I won’t get hungry there. And I’m supposed to start my new temp job next week which will have me at work during dinner time for Tuesday and Thursday. So I can see potential issues coming up for me, but I’m hoping that I’ve learned enough by now that I will be able to get through them with few issues. The event on Monday is a one-time thing and the temp job is supposed to only last 2 or 3 weeks. Then I’m back to my usual schedule.

I’m getting excited to being able to add back in some foods that I’ve missed (like eggs, cheese, and Greek yogurt), but I’m also excited to see how closely I can maintain my plan as it is now since I’m getting such great results!

A Day Of Being Vegan (or What Do I Actually Eat On The Cleanse)

I’ve had lots of people ask me what exactly I eat (or what I’m allowed to eat) while I’m on this cleanse. While I do share pictures online of some foods that I’m enjoying, I figured I would break it down meal by meal.

This breakdown doesn’t include the tonics or detox drinks I’m having. Those are spread throughout the day. At the phase I’m in now, I have a detox drink when I wake up, a liver tonic between breakfast and lunch, another detox drink 2 hours after lunch, another liver tonic about 90 minutes after my last detox drink, and my bowel tonic about 2 hours after dinner. I mix all the drinks and tonics with orange juice, so that’s something I’m consuming over the course of the day that I’m not including on this meal breakdown.

For breakfast, we are supposed to have fresh fruit of smoothies. While I’m getting much better about being lazy in the kitchen, I don’t want to bother with making a smoothie in the morning. It’s too much effort for what I want. My old breakfast was toast with peanut butter. I’m not a huge breakfast person normally and while I’m being careful on the cleanse, I’m keeping that pattern.

Most days, I just eat a banana for breakfast. After having my detox drink in the morning, I’m pretty full so a banana is perfect. Sometimes I get a little fancier with my fruit.

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I really like cantaloupe and strawberries and when I find some good ones, I love to add them to my breakfasts. But lately the selection is pretty bad, so I’m just eating my bananas.

For lunch, it’s supposed to be something that is not cooked (I like this since normally I am preparing lunch between working with clients on the phone or on chat for my box office job). I started out making broccoli slaw salads, but I quickly tired of broccoli slaw. Now, I’m eating either an apple with cashew butter and a little salad or a big salad.

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I’m not a big lettuce person (I try and unless it’s got some sort of dairy on it I just don’t love lettuce), so my salads are pretty much tomatoes, onions, cucumbers, avocado, and walnuts. Then I top it with balsamic vinegar (I use good vinegar so I don’t feel the need to add oil). I also eat some dried apricots with my lunch most days. I forgot how much I love them and they add a perfect sweet touch to my lunches.

On days that I work out, I eat a small handful of cashews before going to my workout to add little extra protein and energy. I really need it on my workout days and even though I’m not supposed to snack on this plan, I have to do what allows me to work out and not feel sick and light-headed.

Dinners are a cooked meal. I’m eating a lot of rice and beans bowls. I think of them almost as my own version of Chipotle (which I love!).

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Most dinners have sautéed onions, zucchini, and squash. Sometimes I add mushrooms or red peppers to the mix. I just sauté them down in the pan with a tiny spray of Pam (no oil). I cook them until they are pretty brown (I don’t mind them if they are overcooked). Then I put them onto a bowl of brown rice and black beans. Most of the time, I top this with avocado.

Last night, I tried a new dinner (it wasn’t the prettiest thing so I didn’t take photos). Potatoes are allowed on this plan, but when I made a baked potato earlier in the cleanse I didn’t like it. I’m used to using greek yogurt with some spices as a sour cream substitute and I missed that. So last night, I diced up a potato and cooked it in the microwave for about 4 minutes to soften the pieces up. Then I added the almost cooked potato to a pan with an entire sweet onion in it. I cooked it down until the potatoes were nice and browned and the onions were almost caramelized. It was so yummy and reminded me of hash browns!

That’s pretty much my meal breakdown! It’s a little boring and I’m figuring out how I will start adding things back into my diet in about 2 weeks (I think dairy will come first). But as you can see, I’m not starving or just drinking shakes on this plan. It is all “real” food and I’m eating quite a bit to make sure my calories don’t dip too low.

A lot of what I’m eating now will continue to be meals for me. I’m finding out that the amounts that I’m eating are working for me and while I want to add some things back (mainly dairy and eggs), I don’t feel deprived. It’s so funny how this cleanse has changed my mindset on what my body really needs to have each day. Things that I thought I had to keep in my diet (like my toast in the morning so my stomach didn’t get too upset) are no longer important to me.

One of the reasons that people go on this cleanse is to get clarity in their life (weight loss is just a bonus). I’m getting to see the results that this clarity brings to me and it’s really awesome!

Finding A Community (or Online Motivation)

For a long time, my weight issues were a solitary thing. Even though clearly people could see that I have an issue with food by looking at me, it wasn’t something that I openly shared.

When I did the RFO diet at UCLA, that changed a bit. I started attending group therapy (instead of solo therapy) and I found people who I could somewhat relate to. But even with my group at RFO, I never fully fit in. I was very much the youngest one there. And almost everyone else had a husband and family to worry about and have to cook for. I, on the other hand, was just me and didn’t have to focus on anyone else in my life eating food on a daily basis.

I’m still in touch with several of the women I met through RFO, but I haven’t been a part of that program for years.

Then, when I started my blog, I realized that sharing my issues was allowing me to be more open with the people I love and I found out how many other people were hiding their issues. It really helped me realize that I’m not alone.

And then this year, I found another community to share and be open with. My Orangetheory family. I never realized how connected I could be to workout friends. At SoulCycle, while I did have friends who came with me to the workout, I never made friends in class (except with a few of the instructors). But at Orangetheory, I’ve not only made friends with the staff and coaches, I have friends that I’ve made in the workout class as well!

It has been so helpful to have someone there to cheer me on on the next treadmill (and save my favorite treadmill for me when I’m not there first). Also, it’s nice to have someone there to chat with before class starts or to vent with when we are in the middle of a tough class.

I never knew how much I needed this support until I had it.

And then this past weekend, I’ve joined what will hopefully be another community to motivate me and support me. I signed up for the Tone It Up plan. I had heard about this plan before and was pretty intrigued. It’s a one-time fee for the plan (and all the updates that they do) plus being a part of their online community. I didn’t have the money for a while, but I got some money for Hanukkah and I spent some of it on this.

There are Facebook groups for this plan and I’ve joined the groups that are local to me. And I put out a message to the other group members that I work out at Orangetheory and would love some more workout friends.

Instantly, everyone in the group made me feel so welcome and many of them are going to work out with me in the coming weeks.

It’s so funny that for so long I thought that I needed (and wanted) to be alone while dealing with all my food issues. But now that I have people who are supporting me along the way, I can’t imagine not having my own personal cheering squad with me every step.

Finding A Balance (or Eating Healthy And Fun At The Same Time)

I’m struggling a bit with food again. As someone with an eating disorder, I guess I should be prepared to deal with this for the rest of my life. I just hope one day it gets easier.

I’m really working hard at staying under my calorie goals every day, but there keeps being something that prevents me from doing that. And part of it is because so much of my social life revolves around food.

Now, I don’t want to make my friends who have gone out to meals with me feel bad. That’s not what this is about. I just don’t understand how they can eat the same things as me (or more) and not have issues with it. I’m feeling insane guilt and sometimes feeling like I screwed up my whole day.

It’s hard to find the balance with healthy and fun foods, but I know it’s possible. I see people do it all the time.

And maybe I do have some sort of health issue causing problems again. I’ve met with an endocrinologist many times and some of my test results have come back suspicious. But whenever they re-test me, everything is fine again. Maybe I have to go through that process again (although it does involve blood work and I’d rather avoid dealing with needles if I can help it).

I know that a big part of what keeps me on track certain days is working out. If I work out in the morning, I have more calories to play with during the day (although I normally don’t eat my exercise calories). And if I work out at night, I feel like I have to be good all day so I feel ok to exercise after those meals. I can’t work out every evening right now because of my work schedule, but I’m looking into doing that when I’m (f)unemployed again.

I also have to think back to the time I was on the RFO Diet. For those months, I literally could not eat when I went out for meals with my friends. Sometimes I would bring my supplements with me and have them there, but more often than not I just sat there and enjoyed the company. I might start doing that again so I don’t eat foods that I regret later.

And trying restaurants I’ve never been to before is another way to prevent my guilt eating. At restaurants that I’ve been to when I’ve not worried about my weight, there are some very bad choices that I used to love to eat. And if I go back there, I’m tempted to have those things again because my memories of them are that they were delicious. There’s one sandwich at Jerry’s Deli that I used to always get. I still think about it from time to time, but I don’t go to Jerry’s anymore because I don’t want to have to deal with how many calories it is.

Sorry for the little rant today. I’m getting frustrated with my weight loss (it’s stalled right now) and I don’t know what else I can change. But I promise tomorrow will be a very exciting and positive blog post. I can’t tell you why yet, but make sure you read here tomorrow to see what happened!

My Current Diet (or I Miss Food)

I’ve been on a weird diet lately. And I don’t mean that I’m on Atkins, the Zone, Paleo, or the HCG diet. I mean the food I’m eating is weird.

I had the start of my dental adventure, and next week, it finally ends. I’ve had one permanent crown repaired and I’ll have my temporary crown replaced with a permanent one next Tuesday. For a while, I could not have any food that needed to be chewed. My meals pretty much all looked like this:

 

Not too exciting. I can now  have “regular” food, but I can only chew on one side of my mouth until next week. So I’m being safe and only having soft foods. So a lot of overcooked pasta and soup everyday.

This makes me miss food.

It also brings back memories of the times I was on the UCLA RFO Diet. Basically, it’s an all liquid diet. Everyday, I had 6 shakes that were each 100 calories. I was constantly monitored by doctors (appointments every week, blood draws and EKGs twice a month). I also went to therapy classes there. The first time I did the diet, I did it for 9 months without cheating. The second time, 10 months without cheating. I lost 100 pounds both times.

I missed food so much when I was on the RFO program. All the shakes where so sweet and I craved salt. Eventually, I just got a spoonful of Kosher salt once a week and ate it.

The diet worked while I was on it, but obviously, I wasn’t able to maintain the loss. That’s one reason why I’m trying to do it this time in a “normal” way. I can’t keep bouncing back and forth.

Right now, while I’m not really eating, I keep having dreams (or nightmares) that I’m back on the RFO program. I wake up panicked about it.

I’m so glad that by Wednesday next week, I won’t have to miss food anymore.