Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Getting Sick Again (or Extending Some Of My Anxiety)

Posted on November 23, 2022 | Comments Off on Getting Sick Again (or Extending Some Of My Anxiety)

I had a bit of a cold before I went to my family’s Fake Thanksgiving, but I made sure that I was feeling better before I went. I took multiple Covid tests, even though I was pretty confident that wasn’t it. It felt like a basic cold, and fortunately, I was doing much better before going on my trip. I knew I wouldn’t be contagious by that point, so that was good. All that I had left for symptoms by the time I went to Portland was a bit of congestion, which I know can take some time to get rid of.

After my trip, I was feeling ok for a few days outside of some nausea and other symptoms that I knew were unrelated to having a cold. But then I started to feel sick again. It seems like a few people in my family got sick after we were together, but I’m not sure who was the person who got us sick. I don’t think it was me because I was feeling better at that point, plus I got sick again. It doesn’t really matter who got us sick, I just know that a week later I was feeling worse than I had with the cold I had before the trip.

Before I knew that others in my family got sick, I was worried it could be Covid. So I did do more Covid tests once I had symptoms again and they all were negative. Now that I know it’s several of us, I feel certain that it’s another cold. It seems like a lot of people are getting sick right now and some bug is going around. This is just a regular part of life that wasn’t a big part of life recently because of how we were all isolating and wearing masks.

Being sick is really frustrating because I don’t always have the same mental fatigue as I do with physical fatigue. This time, I really was only out of it for a day or so and those days happened to be when I didn’t have much work. But even though I’m feeling a bit better, there were other things I had to consider for this past week.

I was supposed to go to the dentist this week. Because I knew that appointment was coming up, I was starting to have some panic and anxiety. This started pretty much right after my trip, so I had anxiety from flying that led right into anxiety about the dentist. But because I had gotten sick after my trip, I knew I should reschedule going to the dentist. I think even before the pandemic, I would have rescheduled if I felt like this. But with how things are now, it wasn’t even a thought that I should go. If it was an appointment where I could wear a mask, I might go if I was feeling better since I wouldn’t be contagious anymore. But being around people unmasked for an hour or so seemed really irresponsible. So I called my dentist to reschedule for next month.

As much as I don’t like going to the dentist, I wish I had gotten it over with. My anxiety is still here even though I have time before my appointment. I don’t think it will go away until after it’s done, so that means I will be anxious for a few weeks. I might hate having extended anxiety more than the dentist at this point. But changing the appointment was really the only option for me and I rescheduled for the soonest appointment that they had that worked with my schedule. So I did the best that I could.

I’m glad I’m feeling better after getting sick a second time back to back. I still have a few symptoms to deal with and I know I sound pretty sick because my throat is scratchy. But I think I’m at the tail end of this cold so I should be fine soon. And hopefully, I stay healthy until after my dentist appointment so I don’t have to push it back again and extend my anxiety any longer.

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I Guess Not All Doctor Appointments Can Be Good Ones (or I Don’t Think I’ll See This Doctor Again)

Posted on November 10, 2022 | Comments Off on I Guess Not All Doctor Appointments Can Be Good Ones (or I Don’t Think I’ll See This Doctor Again)

After having a lot of pain in my back and hips that seemed to not end, I knew it would be smart to see an orthopedic surgeon. I’m still sad that my original orthopedic surgeon isn’t with my insurance anymore because I did appreciate how he never talked down to me and really worked with me to make a plan. I’ve had a few appointments with other orthopedic surgeons since then, but I’ve never really worked consistently with another doctor. So I had to get a new referral, which fortunately was a very simple process. And I got everything all set to see this new doctor.

It turned out that this wasn’t a new doctor to me. I had forgotten that I had an appointment with them a few years ago. If I had remembered that, I might not have gone since I now know I didn’t have the best impression of him. But since I didn’t know that until I was in my appointment, I went into this appointment hoping that I would like this surgeon and that maybe they would be the newest member of my medical team. But instead, I left that appointment feeling pretty certain that I will never see this doctor again and knowing I need to submit a complaint about them.

I know that going in for a random check for an ongoing medical condition isn’t the most normal thing, but when I set up this appointment I was still in a lot of pain. I’m glad the pain is gone now, but I would like to know what was causing it since you really can’t get diagnosed post-pain. Because of how it happened and ended, I feel like it must have been a back issue and not a hip issue. And it might have been something as simple as pulling a muscle. I know there isn’t anything wrong with my spine (based on information I got in this appointment) and there’s nothing else that is obvious. So while I started this appointment explaining that’s why I made the appointment, it was really only for a few moments before we moved on.

This doctor asked me what else was going on and I tried to explain my history with my hips. That’s when the doctor said that they had seen me a few years prior. I then moved on to explain that the pain I had worried me and I knew that I still needed a few surgeries for my hips and that I’ve gone longer than my original surgeon expected me to be able to go. As soon as I said that, this doctor said that they didn’t agree with anything my other doctor said and that I might be in a worse situation because of my first surgery. That really didn’t sit right with me. I knew how much pain I was in before and how that surgery helped. To be told that surgery wasn’t a smart thing to do really contradicts my experience.

And things just continued to get worse. Basically, the rest of the appointment was this doctor telling me I need to lose weight. They implied that if I was in pain now, they wouldn’t even recommend doing any diagnostic testing as they would not treat me until I was at a weight they felt was right for me. I know that there is a fat bias in the healthcare field and I have experienced that from time to time. But it’s usually been from doctors who I won’t see again. For example, once at Urgent Care, the doctor I saw asked me about losing weight when I was there for strep throat. Weight has nothing to do with strep. But with my regular doctors, I usually don’t get weight lectures because they understand that my problems don’t necessarily connect to my weight. But this doctor seemed to not want to discuss anything else.

They could see that I am working on my weight and am working with someone in bariatric medicine, but they were almost hounding me and asking over and over again what I am going to do to lose the weight they think I need to lose (which is also 40 pounds more than what any of my other doctors recommend for me). I kept explaining what I was doing and they just wouldn’t listen or understand that I am working on it. I don’t know what answer they wanted me to give them. They asked what I was going to do and I told them and their response was to ask me what I’m doing. It was so frustrating and I really was ready for the appointment to be over because I could tell that this was going nowhere.

Finally, they did review my x-rays with me and said that I do still have some hip dysplasia on one side (which is a birth defect and completely unrelated to weight) and that there is no sign of arthritis or any other issues. But then it got back to them asking me about my weight and what I would do before they felt like it was too late. I was feeling just over this appointment and was so glad when they ended things with me by saying that if I do have any more pain that I would need to be at the low weight they want me at before they would consider helping me.

I have never had a doctor say that they wouldn’t help me if I didn’t meet their weight requirements. I’ve also never had a doctor who could see what steps I was taking toward losing weight and just ignore them or dismiss my previous efforts. I think that was not right of them. What if I had a lot of pain right now and they refused to help me because of my weight but it ended up being something they could have fixed if they had listened to me before? I follow someone on social media who was dismissed by a doctor when they went in to discuss their pain because of their weight and when they got to another doctor who was willing to work with them, it was discovered they had stage 3 colon cancer. Refusing to help patients because of weight isn’t right. I would have understood if this doctor said that they wouldn’t recommend a hip replacement until I was at a different weight or if they discussed why weight can cause issues with that surgery. But to say they wouldn’t do anything for me unless I lost weight was just awful.

I am working on writing up a complaint about this doctor. I know I wasn’t treated fairly and that they wouldn’t have cared what my complaint was because they wouldn’t see me as a worthy patient until I was at their goal weight. And to have a doctor ignore what I’ve been doing and see that I’m working on weight isn’t fair either. They knew what medications I’m on and what doctors I’m seeing, yet they didn’t care because they wanted me to do something other than what my other doctors recommended and what their plan is for me. I have lost some weight since starting my new medication. I’m down about 3% of my body weight, which I think is pretty good for it just being a month so far. But it could have been 50% of my weight and I feel like this doctor would have been just as dismissive of me.

I’m grateful that the pain I was experiencing is gone for now so I don’t have to worry about seeing this doctor again. And I do want to find a different doctor to work with me because I don’t feel comfortable with this doctor at all. Even if I was at the weight they want me to be, I would still know that they wouldn’t want to help me if I gained weight and got out of the range they want me to be in. I don’t need someone helping me who only wants to help if I match specific things.  Unfortunately, this doctor is the only hip specialist at the hospital I go to. So I would need to find a different medical center to meet someone else. But honestly, I think the drive would be worth it so I’m not treated like this again.

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Stress Is Hitting Me Hard (or A Lot Of Things Are Coming At Once)

Posted on November 9, 2022 | Comments Off on Stress Is Hitting Me Hard (or A Lot Of Things Are Coming At Once)

I know that stress will always be a part of my life. I will never be stress-free, but I have gotten used to a certain level of stress as my baseline. And while I do struggle sometimes with that baseline stress level, it’s usually pretty manageable with different tricks and tools that I use. But this week, a lot of stress is hitting me at the same time and it’s really starting to affect me.

The first thing related to stress isn’t one that I can control. We are having some weather that causes me extra pain. This isn’t anything new for me, but it’s always frustrating when it happens. I can manage this with painkillers and other over-the-counter things, and as you are reading this I have already had an appointment with a new orthopedic surgeon so I might have some new information about how my hips are doing. I’m always open to trying different things to make this pain easier to deal with. But it’s also something that just adds to my life that I have to work through.

I’m also stressed about getting on a flight very soon. I haven’t been on a plane in quite some time. I already don’t like to fly and I know that it can cause me anxiety or bring on panic attacks. And flying now, even though the pandemic isn’t as bad as it was before, is still a higher-risk thing to do. I know that masks aren’t required on planes anymore, but I will be wearing a high-quality mask myself to make sure that I am staying as safe as I could. I know that plenty of people have gone on planes, both with and without a mask, and have been fine and didn’t get sick. But with all the precautions I’ve been taking for so long, this is just one more thing that is adding a bit of worry to my week. And because I’ve got my regular anxiety as well, it’s more than I’m used to dealing with for flying.

Traveling is a bit exciting since I haven’t really gone anywhere since 2019 other than places that are within about a 90-minute drive. But it’s also something else that is taking up time that I have to get ready for. I need to pack and see what I still need to get, especially since I don’t have many travel-sized toiletries. I don’t think doing that is too stressful, but it’s still time in my day when I don’t have a lot of free time to begin with. I’m trying to focus more on being excited for my brief escape from LA so it’s more positive stress than negative stress.

And because of all this extra stress this week, I’m dealing with a very minor cold. I have done a few Covid tests already to make sure it’s not Covid, and it might actually be dealing with allergies and not a cold. I don’t necessarily feel sick, just a bit congested and I’m sneezing a bit more than normal. No matter what the reason why I’m feeling this way, I know that having extra stress causes your immune system to be a bit weaker than normal so it’s easier to catch something. I’m going to test again for Covid before I have to fly to double check, but since I’ve already tested negative a few times and I don’t have too many symptoms, I feel pretty certain that it’s something else right now.

I know that usually when I have stressful things happening they do tend to pile up. And that’s exactly what’s going on right now. But all of these new stresses are very temporary and hopefully, within a week or two, I’ll be back to my normal baseline stress levels.

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A Recurrence Of Pain (or I’m Not Sure If I Should Worry Now)

Posted on October 7, 2022 | Comments Off on A Recurrence Of Pain (or I’m Not Sure If I Should Worry Now)

The back pain I was dealing with last month was pretty awful. I’ve had back pain from time to time, but it was nothing like what I dealt with recently. The scariest moments for me were when I realized the pain was preventing me from being able to turn in my sleep and I would wake up in pain because I was moving in my sleep. I’ve only experienced that one time before and it was right after my hip surgery. That feeling of not being able to move terrified me back then and I still remember how helpless I felt. So having a similar feeling to that scared me as well.

The pain was more severe than any other time I had dealt with back pain and it lasted longer. I really started to worry that it was more about my hip than my back and that I might need to see a doctor. Fortunately, the pain was getting better over time even though it took a lot longer than I would have liked. But it felt like it was finally gone last week. I was still being cautious and careful because I didn’t know if the issue was still there even if the pain was gone. And I didn’t want to injure myself again if that was the case. Even though I’m used to dealing with pain, this was more than I’m used to and I didn’t want to experience it again.

And unfortunately, since Wednesday evening I’ve been dealing with very similar back pain again. As of right now, it hasn’t been as severe as it was before. And I’m doing all the same pain management things that I did last time. I have no clue if it will get worse and feel like it did last time or if it’s just going to be another slow process to get better. And I also don’t know if this is technically a new injury or if I aggravated the old one. I don’t know if those really matter that much, but my guess is that I aggravated the old one. I had a crazy workout on Tuesday and then that evening I went out to a place that had very uncomfortable seating where my legs dangled. And I know when I can’t rest my feet properly, it can bother my hip. So by having those two things back to back, I think I would have been shocked if I didn’t have a little pain. But I wasn’t expecting something like this.

I am worried that this isn’t my back and it’s really my hip, but I’m trying to be optimistic. I guess I will need to wait and see if this pain gets better over the next few weeks or if it doesn’t have much change. If it stays the same, then I might need to schedule an appointment to try to get a referral to orthopedics again. I know that the timeline for me to get my hip replacements done was to be at least when I’m 40. And even if that still feels a million years away, in reality, it is less than a year away for me. This pain is on the side that wasn’t operated on yet, so I haven’t really experienced what a slow uptick in pain is like yet. The side that was operated on wasn’t in pain one moment and I was in extreme pain the next. It was a very different process and maybe this is what things are like when it’s not drastic like that.

I’m trying to not keep thinking of the worst-case scenarios, but it’s hard to not think of them when I know that my body has a lot of issues that still need to be fixed. And I’ve almost hit the goal of when my orthopedic surgeon wanted me to wait to have the surgeries he knew I would need one day. But I’m just going to take this one day at a time again and hope that the pain decreases a bit each day so I don’t have to think about making plans for some sort of medical intervention. And hopefully, it’s just bad luck that I had this happen two months in a row and after I get over the pain this time, I won’t have to worry about it again for quite some time.

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Following A Bit Of Online Gossip (or The Weirdness Of Having A Parasocial Relationship)

Posted on September 30, 2022 | Comments Off on Following A Bit Of Online Gossip (or The Weirdness Of Having A Parasocial Relationship)

I’ve never really been much of a gossip person. I think I’ve only bought a tabloid a few times when I was hanging out with friends and we wanted some magazines to read. I don’t follow online gossip sites or social media pages. I don’t know if it’s because so many stories are about people working in the same industry as me or what, but I’ve just never understood reading gossip about the lives of celebrities. Of course, I do follow celebrities on various social media sites so I see what people share that they got married or had a kid, but I don’t really seek out that information.

So when I first heard the idea of a parasocial relationship, I didn’t think I could relate to it. I never viewed people I saw online or through social media as friends or more than someone who is presenting their life online. I know that there are people who are big fans of people on YouTube or social media who know so much about them, but that just hasn’t been my experience online. But I realized that I just didn’t see that I had a parasocial relationship with people online until this past week.

I have watched the Try Guys videos pretty much since they started. I used to watch them on Buzzfeed and then continued to watch them when they created their own channel. I also listen to some of the podcasts that their company produces. I haven’t purchased their merchandise or bought tickets to see them live, but I would consider myself a fan of their work. I have enjoyed their videos and I think that they put out really great content.

And when the news about one of the stars of the channel having an affair with one of his employees, I realized that I had been having a parasocial relationship with the group. I think a lot of people had the same realization as I did because so many people who said they never cared about a celebrity break up were really sad about this situation. I think most of the gossip was hard to miss if you were online at all this past week. It seemed like everyone posted about it and it was unavoidable. I didn’t really seek out the information, but I got a lot of it through just being online. And watching some people experience the same emotions as I did was interesting.

I have never met anyone in the Try Guys, but because they all put their lives out there and many of their families have been in their videos, it does feel like you have gotten to know them a bit. People knew that this star had a wife and kids and was very known for always talking about how much he loves his wife. So everyone was immediately feeling sad for his family since we had seen them for a few years in videos. I think people also were feeling sad for the group since they were a group of friends who created this company together and have always seemed to get along in the videos. And when the announcement came that this person would no longer be a part of the channel or company, people were sad about what this could mean for the group.

It felt kind of weird to be having all these feelings about a group that I have never met personally, but I guess it makes sense since I’ve been enjoying their videos for so long. It’s similar to being sad when a character in a tv show is killed off or when the series ends and you are saying goodbye to al the characters. Even though the Try Guys are not actors, they are playing a role in their videos. We don’t know everything about them, just the side that they choose to share. But it does feel like we know them because they the line between their real self and online persona is very blurred.

I hope that the group finds a way to work through this time, whether they find a replacement for the person who was removed or not. I do want to continue to watch their videos and listen to their podcasts and that’s only possible if they can get past this time. And I also remember seeing videos about how hard they worked to build their company, so I guess the parasocial relationship side of me hopes that they do not lose everything that they have worked so hard for. Whatever happens to the group, I know that it won’t affect my life since I’m not directly connected to them. But I can still hope for the best for the people that I have watched online for years.

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Doing Another Podcast (or Sharing Some Of The Less Fun Parts About Dating)

Posted on September 28, 2022 | Comments Off on Doing Another Podcast (or Sharing Some Of The Less Fun Parts About Dating)

I’ve been on a few podcasts to talk about my dating experiences before. I love getting to share stories, especially since I seem to have so many crazy ones! Some of the crazy stories are positive and some aren’t so great, but there is usually some comedy involved in my stories since I try to make the best of a situation as much as I can. I think because things could be so negative with what has happened on dates, I would be overwhelmed if I didn’t see the silly side of what has gone on before. For example, when I was walking from dinner to a movie with a date, he decided to unzip his pants and pee on the street. I was shocked and speechless, but I just decided to walk straight to my car and ignore him. I could talk about how disgusting that was and how horrified I was, but instead, I share about how ridiculous it was that a guy thought that was appropriate behavior.

But despite how I try to turn things into positive situations, there are some situations with dating that really can’t be made into something good or a funny story. I think most people, especially women, have stories that aren’t always easy to share or talk about. I hate that this is the reality for so many people, including myself, but it is. And some people choose to talk about those situations and others don’t. Whatever someone decides to do is the right decision and I would never pressure anyone to share a story that they don’t feel comfortable sharing.

I have shared some of the more negative stories before, both here and on social media. I just don’t like to always focus on them. But sometimes it is important to share so others know that they aren’t alone in what may have happened to them. And I recently had that chance on a podcast where I discussed dating again. I’m not going to share too much about this podcast since it was done anonymously. I wouldn’t have minded putting my name to my story, but it wasn’t done that way and I’m totally ok with that.

I’m lucky that I haven’t had more really bad experiences with dating. Or maybe I’m a bit jaded and don’t always realize some experiences are as bad as they are. Either way, I know that most of the time, dating isn’t too horrible. I might not love being ghosted or having guys tell me one thing and do another, but those are small annoyances compared to some of the bad things that could happen on dates. I do take a lot of measures to be safe, but that doesn’t always protect someone. One of the bad experiences I had was while sitting in a public bar with people around me. The other time was someone who I had met up with multiple times and thought I could start to trust, but I was wrong. I know that in those situations, I didn’t do anything wrong. There is nothing I did to cause things to happen to me. These men chose their own actions and behaviors and they are not a reflection of me and my behaviors. And that’s the main point I wanted to get across when I was interviewed for this podcast.

There are some things that I blame myself for, but I know I’m not really to blame. Maybe I could have tried to leave the situation sooner, but I can’t see the future so I had no way of knowing what was ahead. There are times when I know that trying to leave would make a situation worse, so I have had to be careful about my choices. But I never felt like my choices were to blame for someone else’s behavior. There have been times I have put more blame on myself than others or I start to go over every detail to see what I could have done wrong, but every time I do that it just confirms that I didn’t do anything that would make something my fault.

Hopefully, when people listen to this podcast, they will not feel alone. Too many people have had similar stories, but because not everyone shares about it, people can feel like it might just be something that affects them. But I also hope that people listening will also know that these experiences are not representative of dating as a whole. Most of the time, the guys I go out with are decent people. I might not want another date with them, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Sometimes you just don’t click with someone or you realize you don’t have chemistry or things in common. And that’s totally fine and doesn’t make me think differently of them in any way more than maybe a superficial level.

It’s never easy to share stories that aren’t positive, but I also do feel empowered and a bit more in control when I’m able to share what happened to me because it is my story to tell and I have every right to do so.

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Trying To Help A Friend Again (or I Know I Made The Right Decision)

Posted on September 20, 2022 | Comments Off on Trying To Help A Friend Again (or I Know I Made The Right Decision)

4 years ago, I wrote a post about how I had forced a friend to check into the ER for their own safety. That was a very tough thing to do back then, but I don’t regret doing it. I worried after making them go to the ER that they would stop being friends with me. I know a lot of the mean things they said to me on the phone that night were due to their mental state and they weren’t things they really meant. But I still remember how stressful that night was and how upset I was at the moment. I’m glad that everything turned out ok and my friend has since thanked me for doing what I did. And because it had a positive result and from knowing what my friend said to me after, I did the same thing for a friend this past week.

I was talking to a friend on the phone and I could tell that they had been drinking. They had previously talked about trying to get help because they were realizing they might have a drinking problem, so I was a bit harsh with them on the phone. I might have been too harsh, but I was upset because they said they were going to try to get help and they did the exact opposite thing. But then, they got upset with me and admitted that they were drinking because it was a better destructive behavior than harming themselves.

As soon as they said that, everything around me blurred and I became hyperfocused on the phone call. I knew they wouldn’t say something like that to me without really meaning it. And I couldn’t just ignore what they said. So I was very straightforward and said they needed to get to the hospital now to stay safe. I didn’t give them any options or even an ultimatum. I just said that now they had to go to the ER and that was that. They seemed to hesitate for a second, but I think they recognized that they were not going to be safe at home and they needed to be monitored so they got into their car to head to the hospital. I did realize much later that evening that I should have told them to get into a ride-share and not to drive themselves, but fortunately, nothing happened when they drove. I was on the phone with them the entire time and stayed on the phone until I heard them check in with the nurse.

While I was staying on the phone while we were driving, I could tell something in their attitude had changed. They seemed a lot calmer, but that didn’t change my mind that they needed to be watched. But they were acting a lot more reasonably and not as rash as they did before. So I had some hope that maybe this wouldn’t be as severe of a situation as things were several years ago.

And that feeling was right. They were monitored and checked by doctors, but after a few hours, it was deemed they were able to go home and be safe. And I agree with the assessment. Even as they were getting to the hospital, I started to wonder if I was overreacting and maybe I was thinking of what happened in the past and misjudged this situation. But I also knew that I would rather be overly cautious and ask someone to go to the hospital to be looked at than to find out that they did something irreversible because they were alone and not safe.

I think because of what happened in the past, any time I have that gut feeling that someone isn’t safe being home, I’ll probably react this way. Maybe other people wouldn’t immediately think that their friend needs to go to the hospital, but I know I made the right choice in telling them that. I’m glad that everything ended up ok and my friend is alright, but it was a pretty scary and upsetting night. And I’m glad that again I could be there for a friend who needed help and that they were open to hearing what I said and took the steps to get help for themselves.

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Working On Setting Boundaries (or I Just Have To Be Ok With Ending Things With People Who Can’t Respect Me)

Posted on September 15, 2022 | Comments Off on Working On Setting Boundaries (or I Just Have To Be Ok With Ending Things With People Who Can’t Respect Me)

On top of all the physical stuff I’ve been going through this week, this week has been emotionally draining on me as well. I guess it’s good that everything so far has been on a single day, but that made Tuesday this week so much tougher for me to get through.

The day started off with a text from the guy that I had written about recently who I tried to date again. I really thought things were finally done. I pointed out that we want different things in life and that there would not be a compromise. And honestly, even if he changed his mind and said he would be all in for a relationship if I’d consider it at this point. He has already said things that make me feel like he doesn’t respect me and has been saying things to trick me into believing things about him. But once he showed his true colors, I no longer was interested in continuing things and made that very clear.

One of the things that was so frustrating about him is that he would always text me in the middle of the night to see if I was still up and if we could meet up. He knew I hated this but he continued to do it. I assumed after our phone call when I was clear and said there was no point to continue things that those texts would stop. But I got one at 1am on Tuesday morning and it didn’t have an apology for his behavior or anything else. It was like he was acting that nothing happened and he thought I would just forget about what we said and would just change my mind about what I wanted. I debated about not responding, but I decided to tell him that we were not going to play this game anymore and that we were done. His response was that we were going to keep playing this game.

And I can’t explain why this triggered me so much, but it was a glass-breaking moment for me where I could see that it was so much more than just him having a lack of respect for me. It felt like he was saying he knew better and that he was going to keep trying to get me to change to be what he wants with no regard for my feelings. And I felt more than ever that there was no chance for anything positive to happen in my life from knowing him or texting with him. So I told him that I would be blocking him and I said goodbye.

I really haven’t blocked many people I knew on my phone. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to block people, but it’s always been something that I don’t want to do to anyone. But in this case, I knew he was going to keep texting and trying to get me to go along with him. And I didn’t want to see those texts coming up on my phone. He might not believe that he’s blocked and I know that he might still think his texts are going through, but I won’t have to see them again and I feel a bit better about that.

And if that wasn’t enough for the day, later in the afternoon a guy who was a friend of mine accused me of fearmongering because I posted online about how some Republicans are pushing for a nationwide abortion ban and how dangerous that could be. I knew he wouldn’t believe it if I showed him that CNN reported on that story, so I sent him the Fox News article.

This friend and I have known each other for over 10 years and we have always disagreed about abortion rights. He thinks there is never a reason for an abortion and that if people stopped having sex outside of marriage that nobody would need to end a pregnancy. I am very pro-choice and believe that people have a right to end a pregnancy for a multitude of reasons. Even though we have disagreed on this issue, we have always had respectful debates with each other.

But this time was different. He was being very hateful toward me and saying that I don’t care about dead babies because I never post about that. I wasn’t in the mood to start a new debate and how allowing abortions is not the same as wanting babies to die, so I told him that I wasn’t going to continue this conversation at this time. But he continued on and was saying how nobody should have an abortion and how wrong they were. I asked again for him to please stop and to respect my boundaries about talking about this more. And he made a joke about me needing a safe space and told me to block him.

And I blocked him on all social media after that comment. It wasn’t about him believing that nobody should have an abortion even if their life is at risk. He can have that belief all he wants. But a true friend would have respected me asking to not continue a conversation. Imagine if you were talking to someone who had a family member who was killed and you kept asking for more details about their death. And when they asked you to stop asking about things, you made fun of them and told them that you would only stop if they forced you to. That’s so disrespectful to anyone, let alone a friend. And I just can’t picture myself having a friend who thinks that me asking for a conversation to end is something to laugh about and that they should push me further.

Between the blocking in the morning and in the afternoon, I felt so broken. I couldn’t understand why I was being stepped over by these people who claimed to have respect for me. Why were my boundaries ignored by them and not considered? I know that the way these two men treated me isn’t representative of how others treat me, but at that moment it did feel that way. And my heart was hurting because of that.

I talked with a friend while I was upset and she helped to calm me down and see that I shouldn’t keep people in my life who treat me this way. I have ended friendships before when we’ve drifted apart, but this just felt so much more dramatic than that. And I was struggling because I was questioning how someone could have actually respected me in the past if this is the way they treated me now. I questioned if they ever respected me or always felt like this about me. But I know that at this point, it doesn’t matter. Again, someone showed their true colors and feelings about me and I don’t have to tolerate it just because we have known each other for so long.

I think I’m going to still be working through some of these feelings for a bit longer because it hit me so hard. The end of the friendship was worse, but they both really pushed me emotionally. But I also know that I want to keep people in my life that love and support me, and the way these men acted did not show that and that means I don’t have to keep them in my life. It’s hard to set these boundaries with people, especially when I’ve been a people pleaser for a long time, but I’m glad that I did do it this time because I will be better for it.

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Sometimes It Feels Like One Thing After Another (or Having To Miss Things For My Own Good)

Posted on September 14, 2022 | Comments Off on Sometimes It Feels Like One Thing After Another (or Having To Miss Things For My Own Good)

I’m used to having a bad 1-2 weeks each month. It’s an annoying reality of my life, but it’s just what I have to deal with. The ways to avoid it are either not options for me or things I don’t want to do just yet. But it feels like since my last bad week, it’s been one thing after another and it’s not stopping. And I feel like it’s starting to affect my life a bit.

I’m glad that I didn’t throw out my back while also having a regular bad week because that pain would have been really difficult to deal with. My back is doing a lot better now, but when it started I was really worried that something serious was wrong with me. I am used to bad pain with my hips, but this was another level. And when I was trying to sleep, the pain sometimes got worse. I do move quite a bit in my sleep, and every time I moved the pain woke me up. And almost worse than that pain, sometimes I wasn’t able to move and I felt trapped and that woke me up. I don’t know how to explain my lack of ability to move, but I just couldn’t turn over the way I normally do. I needed to wake up, sit up, and use my upper body to move me. It was really odd.

I’m glad that things are better now and I’m not in severe pain and it’s becoming less frequent. I still feel pain when I move certain ways and I do still have some issues moving while I’m laying in bed. But it’s nothing like what it was just a week ago. And I think that every day things are getting a bit better and I should hopefully be back to normal soon enough.

But just as my back was doing better, I got my booster shot and had to start dealing with those issues. I’m glad that I timed it out well so the worst of my side effects occurred over the weekend when I could rest and recover. But my lymph nodes are still swollen and my arm still hurts. And I have been feeling pretty weak in my workouts, which I should have expected but I wasn’t. Feeling weak when I don’t feel sick anymore is such a tough thing to deal with.

And now, I’m just about to start up another round of regular bad weeks. So I feel like I haven’t had a break. And this isn’t my normal, so it’s been hard for me to deal with this mentally. I’ve been trying to keep up with my normal plans, but this week I will have to skip something that I really was planning on.

I have done the Dri-Tri at Orangetheory almost every single time that it’s been offered since I started working out there. I missed the first one because of my schedule, and of course, I missed the ones that happened when the studios were shut down. But I did do the Dri-Tri at home, even though that’s not exactly the same. And this weekend, it’s the Dri-Tri again. I had every intention of signing up and just going for it. I know I wouldn’t get a PR or do something amazing, but that’s not the point for me. I just like to do them to prove to myself that I can.

But between how weak I’m feeling and the issues with my back, I know it wouldn’t be smart for me to try it. I have to be careful with what I do, and I know that some of the exercises wouldn’t be the best options for me to try. I do push myself, but I’m aware of my limits and what adrenaline can do. And I think that if I did the Dri-Tri, I would probably push myself too much and not realize until after it’s done that I did something that set me back with my back recovering. I wanted to wait and see how I felt and make a decision at the last minute, but I know now that there’s no way I could do it in a smart way and I just have to accept that’s what will happen.

I’m still thinking I will go to the studio to cheer people on, especially if any of my friends decide to go for it. But I also know that it will probably be a bit sad and frustrating to watch others do something I wanted to do and know I just can’t join in. I know this won’t be my last chance. They do the Dri-Tri every 6 months or so, so I just need to focus on being ready to do it then and not missing out on the one now.

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Ending Some Pain and Starting Other Pain (or At Least I’m Stocked Up)

Posted on August 31, 2022 | Comments Off on Ending Some Pain and Starting Other Pain (or At Least I’m Stocked Up)

I was just starting to feel better after dealing with monthly pain and nausea at the beginning of this week. The type of pain I feel each month is very specific pain and it’s not like any other pain that I feel. I might be lucky that I only deal with that pain for part of the month every month, but unfortunately, I pretty much deal with pain on a daily basis in other ways.

Even though my hip pain is so much better than it was before I had my hip surgery, I’m still in at least a little bit of pain every day. Some days the pain is more like a dull pressure and that’s really easy for me to deal with and I don’t worry about managing it. Other days, I worry that this could be the start of things needing to be operated on again because the pain is so severe. I’m lucky that I have been dealing with this pain for over a decade so I have some great tools I can use to manage it. I don’t always take medication as the first option because I know that doesn’t always work and often I have to be really on top of scheduling when I can take things. I have different stretches that can help and usually that will take the edge off of things. I also have some over-the-counter things I can use.

Because pain is a daily part of my life, when I’m dealing with pain every month I can try some of the methods I use for my hip pain. It doesn’t always work, but it’s good to have options. And when I have other random pain that comes up, I usually have some good ideas of what I can use and try.

And as the monthly pain was easing up at the beginning of the week, I did something to my lower back or hip and it’s pretty painful. I’ve dealt with this before and it’s likely some sort of pulled muscle or spasm. I know it’s different from my hip pain because joint pain and muscle pain feel very different to me. It doesn’t mean it’s not painful, it’s just a different type of pain. But pain is pain and I’m lucky that I’ve been working through pain for so long so I’m pretty prepared.

I am still going to my workouts, but I just have to be careful and make sure that nothing I’m doing will make me hurt worse. I’m good about paying attention to my body when it comes to pain, so this isn’t too tough for me to do. And while I’m working, I’ve been using different pain creams and heat pads to help make sure that sitting for several hours won’t cause more pain. So far, it’s only been a few days of dealing with this new back pain and I know it will probably take a few more days before it’s gone. But I’m hoping that it continues to ease through the next few days so it won’t be as severe.

But if it sticks around longer or is severe longer, I do know I’m prepared for this. If I have to take some painkillers, I have options because of what I take for my hip. Even though my hip pain is joint pain, dealing with it can cause muscle pain on the other side when I’m compensating for things so I do have a lot of over-the-counter muscle pain options. The plug-in heat pad I use for cramps is the perfect size to have against the back of my chair and I can plug it in at my desk and not worry about it losing the heat.

It does suck that I had a new pain start just as another type of pain ended, but at least I know I’m prepared to deal with this and it will pass. This is temporary and I know I can tolerate it. And hopefully, soon enough I will only have my normal pain to deal with and I can feel much better than I do now.

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