On top of all the physical stuff I’ve been going through this week, this week has been emotionally draining on me as well. I guess it’s good that everything so far has been on a single day, but that made Tuesday this week so much tougher for me to get through.
The day started off with a text from the guy that I had written about recently who I tried to date again. I really thought things were finally done. I pointed out that we want different things in life and that there would not be a compromise. And honestly, even if he changed his mind and said he would be all in for a relationship if I’d consider it at this point. He has already said things that make me feel like he doesn’t respect me and has been saying things to trick me into believing things about him. But once he showed his true colors, I no longer was interested in continuing things and made that very clear.
One of the things that was so frustrating about him is that he would always text me in the middle of the night to see if I was still up and if we could meet up. He knew I hated this but he continued to do it. I assumed after our phone call when I was clear and said there was no point to continue things that those texts would stop. But I got one at 1am on Tuesday morning and it didn’t have an apology for his behavior or anything else. It was like he was acting that nothing happened and he thought I would just forget about what we said and would just change my mind about what I wanted. I debated about not responding, but I decided to tell him that we were not going to play this game anymore and that we were done. His response was that we were going to keep playing this game.
And I can’t explain why this triggered me so much, but it was a glass-breaking moment for me where I could see that it was so much more than just him having a lack of respect for me. It felt like he was saying he knew better and that he was going to keep trying to get me to change to be what he wants with no regard for my feelings. And I felt more than ever that there was no chance for anything positive to happen in my life from knowing him or texting with him. So I told him that I would be blocking him and I said goodbye.
I really haven’t blocked many people I knew on my phone. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to block people, but it’s always been something that I don’t want to do to anyone. But in this case, I knew he was going to keep texting and trying to get me to go along with him. And I didn’t want to see those texts coming up on my phone. He might not believe that he’s blocked and I know that he might still think his texts are going through, but I won’t have to see them again and I feel a bit better about that.
And if that wasn’t enough for the day, later in the afternoon a guy who was a friend of mine accused me of fearmongering because I posted online about how some Republicans are pushing for a nationwide abortion ban and how dangerous that could be. I knew he wouldn’t believe it if I showed him that CNN reported on that story, so I sent him the Fox News article.
This friend and I have known each other for over 10 years and we have always disagreed about abortion rights. He thinks there is never a reason for an abortion and that if people stopped having sex outside of marriage that nobody would need to end a pregnancy. I am very pro-choice and believe that people have a right to end a pregnancy for a multitude of reasons. Even though we have disagreed on this issue, we have always had respectful debates with each other.
But this time was different. He was being very hateful toward me and saying that I don’t care about dead babies because I never post about that. I wasn’t in the mood to start a new debate and how allowing abortions is not the same as wanting babies to die, so I told him that I wasn’t going to continue this conversation at this time. But he continued on and was saying how nobody should have an abortion and how wrong they were. I asked again for him to please stop and to respect my boundaries about talking about this more. And he made a joke about me needing a safe space and told me to block him.
And I blocked him on all social media after that comment. It wasn’t about him believing that nobody should have an abortion even if their life is at risk. He can have that belief all he wants. But a true friend would have respected me asking to not continue a conversation. Imagine if you were talking to someone who had a family member who was killed and you kept asking for more details about their death. And when they asked you to stop asking about things, you made fun of them and told them that you would only stop if they forced you to. That’s so disrespectful to anyone, let alone a friend. And I just can’t picture myself having a friend who thinks that me asking for a conversation to end is something to laugh about and that they should push me further.
Between the blocking in the morning and in the afternoon, I felt so broken. I couldn’t understand why I was being stepped over by these people who claimed to have respect for me. Why were my boundaries ignored by them and not considered? I know that the way these two men treated me isn’t representative of how others treat me, but at that moment it did feel that way. And my heart was hurting because of that.
I talked with a friend while I was upset and she helped to calm me down and see that I shouldn’t keep people in my life who treat me this way. I have ended friendships before when we’ve drifted apart, but this just felt so much more dramatic than that. And I was struggling because I was questioning how someone could have actually respected me in the past if this is the way they treated me now. I questioned if they ever respected me or always felt like this about me. But I know that at this point, it doesn’t matter. Again, someone showed their true colors and feelings about me and I don’t have to tolerate it just because we have known each other for so long.
I think I’m going to still be working through some of these feelings for a bit longer because it hit me so hard. The end of the friendship was worse, but they both really pushed me emotionally. But I also know that I want to keep people in my life that love and support me, and the way these men acted did not show that and that means I don’t have to keep them in my life. It’s hard to set these boundaries with people, especially when I’ve been a people pleaser for a long time, but I’m glad that I did do it this time because I will be better for it.
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