Posted onOctober 11, 2018|Comments Off on World Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open)
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. Throughout the day, I saw a lot of posts on social media with people sharing their stories of mental health struggles or trying to get treatment. And for the friends who don’t have personal experiences with mental health issues, they were sharing notes of support or saying that they could be there for anyone who needed it. It was really amazing to see it all.
For so many years, it seemed like nobody was talking about mental health. It was a private thing someone dealt with and a lot of time that also meant that there was shame as well. But people have been more and more open about their own issues and I feel like the stigma of mental health issues is not nearly what it used to be years ago. I know that some people still are embarrassed that they need help with something that others don’t think twice about, but almost everyone I know has said that things felt more normal when they shared their story and realized that so many people have the same issue.
I haven’t been shy to share my issues with mental health. I went through a long time of being misdiagnosed and I think that made my situation worse than what it was on its own. And now that I’m in a better place with treatment and working on self-care, I’m doing better than I ever remember feeling. But I also remember how dark it can feel when you feel alone or misunderstood. Or when you are being told you should be feeling better and you aren’t. I remember wondering what was wrong with me when I was being told that a medication would make me feel better but in fact it made me feel worse and more upset about the little things in life.
I try to be there for as many of my friends as possible. Sometimes that means just being a supportive ear and listening and sometimes that means forcing a friend to get help. I have learned that I can’t be there for my friends 24/7 because that actually makes things harder on me, but I try to be there as much as I can. My phone is always near me and I’ll pick it up in the middle of the night if someone calls and I hear my phone vibrating (I don’t leave it on to ring since that means all other notifications would make noise too). And if someone needed to come over to not be alone, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them to come over.
I have put a bit too much pressure on myself to be there as much as I can be for others, but just like with other mental health issues as soon as I was public about that others told me that they had the same problem. That’s why I’ve been doing more self-care things and trying to prioritize myself. I’m still working on finding the balance between being there for those who need it and being there for myself, but it’s getting there. But I’ve also learned to help my friends find others who can be there just like I can and so many of them have created their own mini-support groups with different friends so they have a bunch of people they can reach out to when they need support of any kind.
I think that while it is still important to have a day like World Mental Health Day so that people are sharing their stories, since so many people talk about mental health year round that it feels like it’s just World Mental Health Day every day! And that’s the way it should be. People need help and support every day and it’s important that when that happens they don’t have to feel alone. So by sharing stories year round when they happen it will be helping someone out there who needs to hear that story that particular day.
The busy season at my day job should have started a few weeks ago. When it’s the slow season I might only have a few customers over an entire shift. But when the busy season kicks in, I can be on a phone call, have 2-3 customers in the chat system, and still be missing a call so I’ll have a voicemail to return later. When it’s the slow season, I feel bored sometimes and miss the craziness of the busy season. But when it’s busy, I can wish that it just would calm down so that I can catch my breath.
For some reason, we aren’t having the same busy season that we normally do. Ticket sales are similar to past seasons, but I think more customers are using the website and not calling in to ask things that are on the website. We do still get customers calling in and sometimes we get funny questions. My favorite recurring funny question is when a customer calls and says “I see the show this weekend is sold out. How many tickets left does that mean?”. There are only so many ways I can say a sold out show means that tickets are sold out. But I think more customers are realizing that our website is very accurate so they aren’t calling in to ask that as often or they see that our website has the menu and location so they don’t call us to ask.
It’s been a bit boring with the slow season continuing later than normal, but this week I’m actually grateful for it. I knew this week would be the week that I’d be nauseous, but it’s taking it out of me more than normal. My nausea isn’t necessarily worse than other months, but it’s affecting more parts of my life. I’m dealing with bloat which makes clothes not feel right and just makes me uncomfortable. And I’m very fatigued even though my sleep hasn’t changed from my normal schedule. I’m just feeling off and not like myself. So I’m happy that I don’t have to stay upbeat while juggling multiple customers.
I’ve gotten very into working on self-care lately and I have noticed so many positive changes in my life. But normally self-care feels like I’m doing something for myself like reading or doing different beauty routines. But right now, self-care for me is literally to do nothing. Being lazy and napping if necessary is my self-care this week. I don’t necessarily want to be in a habit of being lazy because I have worked hard to beat that in the past. But I also know that right now this is the right thing for me to do for my body and mind.
I know that I need to take advantage of this right now because any day the slow season can switch over to the busy season. I have noticed it has picked up a bit in the past week, but it is still much slower than I was prepared for. And hopefully I don’t need to be lazy for that long. I know when my nausea typically ends and I would expect these other issues to go away at the same time or sooner. I’d love it if I was only dealing with nausea by the end of the week. I never thought I would be hoping for nausea, but I guess it’s the lesser of two evils right now in my life.
I do have a bit of guilt because I know that I should be doing other things, but I’ve been working on understanding that maybe a bit of guilt is going to be a part of my self-care. I have other friends who struggle with self-care because they have that same feeling and knowing that has actually helped me. I thought it was a problem for just me and that maybe it meant that self-care wasn’t doing what it should be doing. But knowing that other friends feel the same way made me realize that it might just be something that many of us will deal with. Girls are raised to be accommodating and pleasant (which can bring up so many other issues), and taking time for yourself almost goes against that. But so many of us are retraining our minds to think differently about it.
So for now, my self-care practice will be a lot of doing nothing, and that’s absolutely fine and perfect with me.
Posted onOctober 5, 2018|Comments Off on A Bit Of A Brain Dump (or Not Much To Write About)
I usually have some really fun things to write about each week. It’s not necessarily every day, but I usually get some inspiration for the days I don’t have something awesome to write about. This week has been one that was pretty much figured out since last week with the exception of today’s post. That’s not unusual and I was expecting to have something figured out to write about. But that inspiration never came to me before I needed to get this done so I’m doing a bit of a brain dump.
I’m wondering if I haven’t been inspired because the political situation going on has been taking up too much brain power. I know that I’m probably paying attention to too much between podcasts, news online, and tv; but I also don’t want to be uninformed. I’ve said before how I’ve never been as politically involved as I am now and I do feel a bit of pride in that fact. But I also know that it has been overwhelming and affecting my mood a bit. I have been trying to add more frivolous podcasts in-between the political ones so my mind isn’t on politics 100%. And I’m doing the same thing with my reading. I have gotten some books from the library that are about politics but skipped reading them because I wanted to read chick-lit. I’ll eventually get back to those books, but I knew I needed to read something else at that time.
Another thing that I have been thinking about a lot is traveling. It’s been quite a while since I’ve traveled. And most of my traveling recently has been for family things. And I know that it counts as traveling, but it’s not the same as planning a trip and exploring a new place. The last time I was on a plane was 2 years ago to see my parents. I’ll be on a plane again next month to travel to Thanksgiving. And I know that not everyone gets to take a plane on a trip and that it is still a bit of a luxury, but it’s weird to think about for me. When I was growing up I traveled a lot with my family. I want to travel more and my list of places I want to go keeps growing. But I don’t have the money to travel (or the savings so I can take time off of work unpaid to travel), but there are some ideas I have that won’t be too expensive that might be able to happen next year. But I still wish I had the funds to do more exotic travel and to go to places I’ve been dreaming about going to.
It’s the fall tv season and I’m back into watching all the new shows. I don’t know if it’s because of all the time I’ve been spending on paying attention to politics, but I haven’t really been connecting to many of the new shows. I am trying to not make a decision if a show is going to be one that I watch regularly or not right now because I know that in a month I might feel differently about it. But it’s still something that is so weird to me because it seems like every other year I am overwhelmed by how many new shows I’m loving!
Since it seems like the previous 3 things in this brain dump aren’t the most positive things, I’ll end on a high note. I’ve been getting more and more comfortable with prioritizing my needs lately. I’ve been working on more self-care things even if I know they are silly. I have been using sheet masks regularly because they make me happy. I have no clue if they are helping my skin and I know they don’t benefit anyone but me, but they bring me joy so I do them. I’m also not worrying about attending every event or pleasing other people if it makes me stress too much. I don’t get mad if a friend can’t do something and I know that they feel the same if I can’t do something. But I still have always stressed on myself that I need to be more available to my friends and I know that it’s not the truth. I’ve been doing more nights at home reading or watching some tv and not feeling guilty or that I’m missing out. It’s nice to be comfortable with putting myself first, especially since that was a recent challenge of mine.
So that’s a bit of a brain dump for me of things that are taking up my thoughts. Sorry if this post wasn’t the most interesting one, but I hope to have some more fun posts about awesome things next week!
Posted onOctober 4, 2018|Comments Off on Am I In A Rut? (or Not Sure What To Do About Work)
I’ve had several friends that have been in ruts lately. Sometimes they realize this on their own, and sometimes they have something dramatic happen in their lives and then they realize they can’t just keep doing things the same way anymore. Either way, I’m always so proud of my friends when they are able to make positive changes for themselves. They always seem so much happier and all I want for my friends is for them to be happy.
I’ve been in a couple of ruts in the past before. Sometimes it’s a rut with my day job and sometimes it’s a rut with my fitness or health. It’s not easy to change things up, but when I do I always feel so much better and I feel like the change was necessary. These ruts have led me to some new and fun things and I’ve never really had any regrets. I just see these changes as positive moves in my life and even if they don’t work for me I am glad I just tried to see if they would.
I don’t necessarily feel like I’m in a rut right now, but because I have so many friends going through them I’ve been questioning it. Things have been pretty stable and boring for me lately, but I like that. I have things in my life that are hectic or dramatic, so I like having other aspects of my life normal and routine. But I also know that sometimes when I feel this sense of comfort in my life that means I do need to make a change.
The main thing I have been debating about is my day job situation. I’m fine with my box office job right now. I would love if I got paid a bit more, but I should be getting a small raise around the new year. But my other day job hasn’t been able to tell me yet when they can bring me back. I haven’t worked for them since the end of September. I thought a month or two off wouldn’t be too bad since that job didn’t pay me that much. But even missing that little bit of income is affecting me and I know I need to figure out something.
I’m going to try to wait it out a bit more because I do want to keep working that job. It’s really an ideal situation because I can do it between the customers at my box office job and my boss knows me well so she doesn’t have to micromanage me. Plus, I actually enjoyed the work. It wasn’t that tough to find events to add to the calendar, but it was fun seeing what different things were happening around LA and different organizations that I might be interested in doing things with in the future.
I think waiting it out really is the right choice because I’m so unsure if I need to make a change. I don’t want to stress too much about when I will be working with them again, but I also know that eventually if they can’t add me to a new contract that I will need to find a new job. So I have casually looked at jobs online to see what is out there. It’s tough because I have requirements that aren’t always compatible with all jobs, but at least I’m not under a time crunch right now.
I think that this uncertainty with my job is just something that I feel from time to time. I have felt it with almost all jobs I’ve had as an adult. I wonder if I am doing what I should be doing or if I will be blindsided one day by losing my job. I want to be a step ahead so that if I do lose my job I am not at a disadvantage. I’ve been in jobs where I had no clue I was going to be let go and I hate that feeling. But I also know that this situation I’m in now isn’t that. As soon as my boss has a better idea of what will be happening she’ll let me know. It has nothing to do with me or my job performance. It’s just the downside of working a contract gig that depends on government funding.
I have said this a million times before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but just getting all that out has made me feel so much better. I needed to rant and typing it out has helped me get into a better mindset. This blog seriously is one of my best forms of therapy.
Like many people, yesterday I was watching Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh testify regarding the sexual assault allegations. This is history being made and I felt like I needed to watch. I know some friends didn’t watch because it was all too triggering, but I didn’t have that feeling (at least at first) so I tried to watch as much of it as I could. I did miss a few moments because I was watching while I was working and had to actually do work from time to time. But I watched almost all of it.
Obviously I had some bias going in because I do believe that women who make accusations of sexual assaults tend to be telling the truth. False allegations do happen, but they are extremely rare. Some people were saying Dr. Ford was doing this for money or fame, but that’s not what she is getting from coming forward. She is getting death threats and is unable to be in her home safely. Coming forward doesn’t benefit her in any way other than being able to tell her truth and have a clear conscious.
And once Dr. Ford started speaking, I think it was obvious to so many people that she was telling the truth. Even some of my friends who are Trump supporters and want Judge Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court started sharing that she was a believable witness and that maybe something did happen. Politicians on both sides of the spectrum were saying she was credible. Some were saying that even though she is credible it shouldn’t affect the confirmation, which is a bit unbelievable to me.
When they had their break between the testimonies, I was reading social media and it seemed like a majority of people (both Democrats and Republicans) believed Dr. Ford and that gave me some hope. But then some Republicans were saying that just because they believed her that it isn’t important because of various reasons. Some believed that this happened too long ago to matter anymore. Some believed that just because he did something wrong it shouldn’t outweigh good things.
When Judge Kavanaugh started his testimony, you could tell there was as change of how people were feeling and reacting. Again, with my bias it felt like he was being angry and annoyed by this entire process. I know some Republicans agreed with my opinion and some felt it was justified because they didn’t think that this should have happened. I don’t personally think his reaction to the questions helped his case and made him look even-tempered and ready for the job of being on the Supreme Court. But it’s not up to me to decide and we will just have to wait and see what happens.
This entire thing has been crazy to watch. I know that this is history making, but I also have never been as involved in politics as I am now so I am extra aware of everything going on. I’ve been trying to read information from sources that are non-partisan or to read sources that are on both sides to get an honest and full view of what’s happening. And there is one thing that is extremely clear about all of this.
This is something that doesn’t need to be as political as it has been. Someone being appointed to the Supreme Court is not supposed to be on one side or the other. We know that it’s not the case, but it’s supposed to be like that. If it really wasn’t about political party, then when President Obama was trying to appoint someone to fill the vacancy it would have been considered. But instead, the majority in control said it was not right to appoint someone before an election. If we are using that as an example, then it would not be right to appoint someone now as we are so close to another election. But I also don’t want this to continue for any appointment when there is an election happening at any point in time.
And someone accusing another of assault or any other crime shouldn’t be political. I’m saddened that people are saying just because Dr. Ford didn’t come forward sooner that it is somehow a political move. I know that people don’t always come forward with assault allegations immediately. I am one of those people. Dr. Ford came forward before Judge Kavanaugh was announced as the official nomination. Things moved too quickly for her statements to be known before he was the nomination and the time she could speak up was while he was being questioned. That timing is not political with the exception of possibly how quickly things have happened. But her timing of coming forward doesn’t mean that it’s politically motivated or some sort of conspiracy theory.
I wish I had something nice to end this post with, but I don’t. I am glad I watched things yesterday but it also left me feeling unsettled and sad. The questioning made me sad, the answers made me sad, and the reactions from elected officials and citizens made me sad. And all of it was making me feeling uneasy and concerned about what will happen politically in the future. This time of everything being accused of being political isn’t going to go away. It’s going to continue for a long time. I am hoping that one day it will go back to how it was even just a few years ago when people on both sides worked together and didn’t think party first.
My personal belief is that Dr. Ford is telling the truth. I also believe that even if she wasn’t truthful that Judge Kavanaugh’s attitude during this all has shown that he might not have the temperament to be on the Supreme Court. I think that he showed that he was quick-tempered and not happy with the repetitive questioning which is something common when dealing with politics and legal issues.
But again, it’s not my decision on what happens.
I just wanted to share that I do believe her. And I believe other survivors who have been coming forward even though years have passed since they were attacked.
Posted onSeptember 21, 2018|Comments Off on Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)
As an actor, you deal with rejection all the time. Actors get rejected for more jobs than they are offered. Every single day, I submit myself to various projects and my agents submit me as well. A majority of the time, I never hear back from those submissions so I was rejected for even an audition. And when I do get an audition, I don’t usually book the job. I don’t see that rejection as anything bad since everyone deals with it. And I know that not every part is right for me. My job when I audition is to do the best job I can in the room so the casting director wants to bring me back when there is another part I might be right for.
But even though I am very comfortable with rejection in my acting career and it doesn’t bother me one bit, I can’t say the same about dating. There are some times that I think everyone would agree that I am right to be upset over rejection or someone lying to me. I don’t think anyone expects someone to be ok with being hurt that way, especially when it’s someone who you cared about and you thought cared about you. I also know that those situations are sometimes inevitable and are a part of life. Dating has always had some rejection or heartache, that’s not just something that started with online dating.
And I guess ghosting could have been a thing before as well, but it seems like it really picked up with dating apps. I’ve had a couple of guys ghost me, but more recently there have been 2 that really got to me. One guy I had 2 dates with and then they were out-of-town (this was something we had discussed on our first date). From before our first date through their time out-of-town, we were texting at least once a day. We were making tentative plans for when they were back in LA. And once they were back, they stopped texting. They never unmatched with me on the app we matched on, but all communication stopped. I reached out one more time, they responded, but then ghosted me again. That really bugged me because there was nothing that made me feel like things weren’t going to move forward with another date. But I guess he didn’t care to see me again and he didn’t feel like he should say something to me.
And more recently, there was someone who seemed like a real great guy. We got along, could talk about a ton of different subjects without awkward silences, and he was planning creative dates for us. On our last date, something just didn’t seem right to me. I mentioned it hoping that would make things better (sometimes it’s better to bring up a weird feeling than ignore it and hope it goes away) and he said everything was fine but he was just tired from working long hours. That could have been it, but I still had a gut feeling that something was off and he wasn’t telling me. We made plans for the next day, and I haven’t heard from him since. I honestly have no clue what happened, but again I was ghosted by a guy who didn’t have the manners to end things like an adult.
Those ghosting situations are the standard ones because I had met these guys in person and we had been talking and dating. I don’t know what to call the guys who disappear before I even meet them since I don’t know if it’s really the same thing as ghosting. But a new trend I’ve been seeing is a guy who is messaging with me on whatever app we connect with (I don’t give out my number until I meet a guy in person to protect myself from scammers and catfish) and we make plans for a date. Sometimes everything is planned, sometimes it’s just the date and time and we are going to figure out a location later. And then the day of the date I go to the app to message them to either finalize plans or say that I’m excited to meet them, and they are no longer listed in my matches. They could have been scammers or had their accounts blocked, but more often than not they just unmatched with me.
I know that there are some guys on the apps who are in relationships that use dating apps to get an ego boost. They don’t consider it cheating if they never meet someone in person, but they message as if they wanted to meet up just to get the validation that a woman likes them. I think it’s stupid and if I ever figured out in advance that a guy was doing that with me I’d unmatch with them first. But of course, most of these guys give no clue that they are doing that so I just feel rejected because I had been excited about the date that won’t be happening.
I’ve gotten much better with dealing with dating rejection in the past year, but it’s still not easy for me. I think a lot of the rejection I struggle with comes from when I meet a guy (or am messaging with a guy) who seems genuine and kind. I don’t try to imagine what a future could be with them, but I think everyone thinks about stuff like that when they meet someone they are interested in. The rejection is almost more of feeling hurt that a potential future isn’t going to happen anymore. And while I have the same feeling with auditions (whenever I go out for a big role I have to stop myself from imagining how it could change my life), but I have had so much more practice with acting.
Posted onSeptember 19, 2018|Comments Off on Friends Helping Friends (or Not Being Afraid To Ask For Support)
This is a bit of an update on my friend, but it goes a lot further. My friend who was getting inpatient treatment is now home and all of us who knew what was happening are so happy for them. There are still a lot of uncertain things and some things that are stressing them out about the help that they need, but it is moving forward and I have a strong feeling that things will work themselves out. A lot of things are still in the works and are not necessarily a straight path to success, but they have gotten so much help so far and so many things are much better than they were before.
I mentioned in my previous post that I was able to share what happened with a small group of friends so they could help me out. Doing that was such a huge relieve for me because I could feel like not everything was dependent on me. As much as I always want to help friends and see what I can do, I know I can’t do it alone. I do feel like I show people how much I care by helping them when I can and being there for them. It’s not the only way I show that I care, but it is a bit one. And it also makes me feel needed when I can help someone. So passing it off to another person makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. But I’ve been trying to get better about asking for help because I know that most of the time it is the right thing to do.
But at the same time, asking for help is a difficult thing for me. And it’s a difficult thing for my friend as well. I completely understand the feeling because you don’t necessarily want to put yourself out there. If you ask people for help and nobody gets back to you or can do it, what does that mean about you? What does that mean about your friendship? I understand thinking that you aren’t important enough to people if they can’t help you, even though I know that it’s not the truth. But putting yourself out there is also opening yourself to rejection which is a very scary thing.
After my friend came home, I talked to them and we decided to create a new message group that included all the people from before as well as my friend. That way, they could ask for help from people who know what happened (they have not told everyone yet and I didn’t want them to feel like they needed to do that to ask for help). So we have our new message thread going on where my friend can ask if people have recommendations for things or if they can bring them food. People have been able to step up and help out and I know that my friend really has appreciated it all.
I admire my friend for being strong enough to ask for help when they are in such a vulnerable state. It’s also something that they have struggled with in the past so working on it is such a big step. I hope that asking for help and receiving it will help them know that they are loved and that asking for help can be a good thing, but I also know that feeling that can take a long time. I don’t have the same worries that my friend has, yet I still worry about asking for help because of the feeling of needing something and not getting it. I don’t like to feel like I’m not able to get what I need so I don’t like to rely on someone else.
I should take a note from my friend and work on doing steps to being better about asking for help. I could probably use the same message group that we created for my friend to ask for help for private matters. And I’m trying to be more active about asking for help on social media, even if it’s a silly thing. For example, I needed a tripod holder for my phone and I knew I could easily buy one. But because I’m working on not shopping online, I didn’t just go to Amazon and get one. So I put it on Facebook to my friends to see if anyone could loan me one, and a friend reached out and said I could borrow theirs when I needed it. It was such a simple ask, but it also isn’t what I normally would have done before.
While I continue to encourage my friend to ask for help and to work on being there for them when they need it, I really also want to work on taking my own advice and doing the same thing for myself. I know I have friends who wouldn’t mind helping me if I just asked them to. And if they feel the same sense of being needed by helping others that I do, I should allow them to help me.
Posted onSeptember 13, 2018|Comments Off on I Feel Like My Body Is Playing Tricks On Me (or Trying To Beat My Nausea)
I’ve been dealing with hormonal nausea for almost 2 years now. It’s not fun and I’m still trying to find a plan that works for me. I’ve got a couple of different things I can do when I’m feeling awful, but none of them make it go away completely and not everything works for me every month. So each month when my nausea comes back, I have to start testing things to see what is going to work and what will be useless that time.
Right when I had to start dealing with this nausea again, it’s been pretty regular. I know when to expect it to start and I know when to expect it to end. Of course, things do fluctuate and sometimes it starts later or doesn’t last as long, but it always happens. And sometimes I get overly optimistic if my nausea doesn’t happen as early as I’m used to and I’ll think that maybe this month won’t be as bad. But sadly it does happen and sometimes those months are the worst ones. It’s like I have a set amount of nausea I always have to have and it can be spread over 2 weeks at one level or be only for 1 week but it’s twice as strong.
And this month was a month where it tricked me. I was feeling pretty decent even on my more nauseous days at the end of last week. I was thinking this could be the month that things turn around and that they will be good. I do not know why I believed this when it never turns out to be true, but I guess I’m just trying to be hopeful that maybe I will outgrow the nausea. I’ve had people tell me that it’s possible, but I don’t know if I will. I had this problem as a teenager (although it wasn’t this severe) and now I have it again as an adult. By the time I think I might outgrow it, I don’t think it will be an issue for me anymore.
So this week I’m back to testing out all my different things to see what is going to work for me and what things I won’t bother with. It seems like by the time I figure out the best combination for that particular month, the nausea is almost over and I don’t have to worry about it. I’ve been trying to take some notes on the different combinations because maybe I can try those combinations each time instead of trying to figure out what to add it or not use. But I really don’t know if that will make things easier or faster.
There is one thing I haven’t tried yet for my nausea. When I was at my doctor recently, she prescribed me a new anti-nausea medication. It may help when my regular anti-nausea medication isn’t working but there’s no guarantee it will help since there are so many factors that determine if a medication will or won’t work. But I haven’t been able to try it even though I’ve had it for 2 months.
This new medication usually makes people very drowsy. While most medications that typically make you drowsy don’t do that for me, I still have to be careful before I take any new medications. So I really can’t take this new one before I have to drive and I don’t want to risk it before I work because I don’t want to accidentally fall asleep working. So I really need to take it when I’ll be home doing nothing important to see what it does to me.
And because my body is being mean to me, all of the times that I’ve had the extreme nausea have been before I’m driving or while I’m working. And by the time I don’t have to worry about driving or working, the horrible nausea has ended and it’s manageable with other things. I know I can just try taking it when I don’t need it, but my prescription isn’t for that many pills and I don’t want to waste one. Plus, to see if it helps my nausea I really need to try it when I am feeling nauseous. So the timing for me to try it just hasn’t been in my favor.
It’s weird to hope to feel nauseous, but I really want it to happen when I can test out the new medication so I have an answer if it will work or not. And it would be amazing if it did work and continued to work the next month as well. I know that there are so many worse things to deal with, but I just want the nausea to not affect my life as much as it does right now. And it is frustrating that I know exactly how to make it stop, but I can’t take hormonal birth control because it will make my tumors grow.
Even with all my complaining, I do try to find moments of positivity and being optimistic. I am grateful that even though my nausea tricked me this month, I didn’t have to deal with it for several days that I was expecting to have to. And while it’s not fun right now, I know it will be done soon and I will have 2-3 weeks of not being nauseous that I can enjoy. But I do juts want to beat this and figure out how to make it a much smaller issue for me every month.
As I shared yesterday in my workout recap, something happened in the middle of the week. I have previously written about how I have had some personal experience with depression and some friends who have considered or attempted suicide. These are not easy things to talk about, but it is important to talk about them. There is no reason to be embarrassed if you are struggling and reaching out to get help. But I also know that reaching out to someone to ask for help is not easy. And on Wednesday night, I had a friend reach out to me for something else that turned into me forcing them to get help.
The story of what happened to my friend is not mine to share so I will not be very detailed in what happened. But they called me saying how frustrated they were with work and they actually walked out of work that evening. It was very impulsive and not the behavior I was used to from my friend. A few minutes later in that call, they said they kind of wanted it all to end and to cut their arms.
While this friend has had suicidal thoughts before, I have never heard them share a specific plan they had in mind. They also recently got a new therapist and I didn’t think they would be able to reach them (plus it was late at night). I honestly went into a bit of a panic. Was this someone just being frustrated and venting or was this a cry for help that I needed to take seriously. I realized that I had to do something and I got very forceful with my friend.
I told them that they had 2 options. Either they would drive to a hospital right now and go to an ER or I would call the police on them to have them taken to a hospital. I got very mean to my friend and said I didn’t care which they picked but they were going to have one or the other. And I told them if they picked the hospital that they had to keep me on the phone so I could have proof they went to an ER. I realized after saying that if they decided to hang up on me and go somewhere other than their home, I couldn’t do anything. My friend didn’t talk for a few moments and then told me they were driving to the hospital.
While they were driving, we didn’t talk much. I was trying to stay strong on the phone, but I was crying hysterically. I kept thinking that things could turn so wrong in a moment if my friend decided to do so. I just had to have some faith and trust that they were really driving to the hospital and that I would soon hear the voice of someone in the ER confirming they were there.
After my friend parked, they found a security guard to help them find the ER. I was on the phone, but there was no talking happening. And what felt like forever later I finally heard the voice of a woman in the ER confirming my friend was there and safe. My friend had to hang up the phone to check in, and when the phone call ended I completely lost it.
I knew that this was a risky time for my friend and I’m so lucky that not only they called me and admitted what they were thinking but I am lucky I didn’t miss their phone call. I have been thinking of the alternative scenarios in my head and I know they are all bad. I tried reaching out to friends to talk to but it was very late at night and most people were asleep. My friend called me from the ER asking if I could drive to where they were to move their car because they parked in the wrong area. Fortunately, before I had to make that drive, another friend got back to me and was able to do it. I didn’t feel like I could drive 30 minutes each way with how upset I was. I am so grateful for the friend who lived closer to the hospital to do it.
Even though I knew I did the right thing, I still questioned it. What if my friend wasn’t really going to harm themselves and I was overreacting? What if I just forced them to do something they didn’t need and they will have a huge hospital bill to deal with now? I was able to talk to a friend that night to talk this out with and they just tried to keep telling me that I will never regret helping someone if they didn’t need it but I would regret not helping if they did need it.
I didn’t sleep much that night because I just couldn’t stop thinking. But I had to come to the conclusion that my friend might be very upset with me for various reasons but I would be ok having a friend alive and angry with me and not ok with a friend who was dead. I knew intellectually that I made the right decision, but emotionally I struggled with it.
I heard from my friend later that day. They were being released from the ER and being sent to a mental health facility for a few days to get treatment. They didn’t go into the specifics of what was happening and I don’t know if they knew them at the time. They just sounded scared and confused but called me to update me. They also told me of some other things they might need help with and gave me permission to talk about it with a few of our mutual friends to see who could help.
Being able to tell other people what was happening helped me a lot. The weight of everything was no longer on my shoulders and I could talk things through with others. I know that what my friend was going through was much more intense than what I experienced, but I was surprised how drained I felt. You think that making a friend get help when they are in trouble would make you feel good. But for me, I felt good and awful at the same time. But being able to talk to others really helped me feel more reassured that I did the right thing.
I felt even better about it when my friend reached out to me to update me on when they were thinking they would be coming home and in their text message to me they thanked me. I also got a message from my friend’s mom who said I saved my friend’s life and they were grateful for me. I know I shouldn’t have to hear it from outside sources, but hearing my friend’s mom say that really solidified in my mind that I did the right thing and that there was no other option that would have had as positive of an outcome.
As I’m writing this, my friend isn’t home yet but should be soon. Another friend of ours has talked to them on the phone and said they sounded good. And I am hopeful that my friend will be ok and not angry or upset with me. But I have also accepted the possibility that they might be distant or not as friendly to me for a while. I will have to wait and see what happens, but as long as they are alive I am ok with whatever happens.
Even though I have had to talk friends down before when they were not in a good mindset, this was so different. But even though this was a tough thing for me to do and I was very upset about what I had to make my friend do, I don’t regret it for a second. I could not imagine my life without this friend and I would be devastated if they weren’t here. And if they harmed themselves after talking to me on the phone and I didn’t make them get help, I would never forgive myself.
But this isn’t about me. This only had this result because my friend was brave enough to share what was happening with me. They could have lied and said they were fine even though they weren’t. They felt like they needed help and knew they needed to say something. And I was just the person who happened to be listening and telling them what to do. Â I cannot say how unbelievably proud I am of my friend for getting the help they needed. It is not easy, but hopefully in the long run they will be grateful for it.
While my friend felt comfortable enough to tell me what was happening, I know that isn’t always the case for everyone. I know some people don’t want their friends to know what is going on. And if that is the case for you and you are struggling or having thoughts of harming yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are people there 24/7 who can help you find help. And if you hear someone you care about expressing thoughts of harming yourself, you can also call the Lifeline to get advice on what to do.
I know that when someone is in the depths of depression it can feel like you aren’t worth getting help. Please know this isn’t true. Everyone is worthy of getting help and being able to be happy in their life. Please reach out to someone if you feel helpless. There is always hope.
Posted onSeptember 10, 2018|Comments Off on An Emotional Workout Week (or Just Making It Through)
This past week of workouts felt like it was almost split in 2. I hate feeling like I’m teasing a future post, but something happened in the middle of the week that really affected my workouts. I was dealing with a lot of emotions and I know that it changed how I worked out. I had 2 workouts before that and 2 after so it really was a split week.
Monday’s workout was a 3 group workout because they had fewer classes for a holiday schedule. And it also ended up being a partner workout so it was a 3 partner workout. The workout was supposed to be endurance based, but it didn’t really feel that way because of how often the partners were switching around.
We had 2 blocks and in each block the person on the floor controlled the switching. In the first block the person on the treadmill ran for distance and we didn’t reset the treadmills as we switched. The person on the rower had a 150 meter row and then 10 squats and repeated that until they were tagged by their partner. And the person on the floor had lunges, bicycle crunches, and toe touches.
For the second block the treadmill person ran for distance without resetting the treadmill and the rower did 150 meter rows with bicep curls using the row handles between each row. And on the floor we had overhead tricep extensions, weighted hip bridges, and weighted torso twists.
I was feeling fortunate that I was in a group with 2 people who I know and didn’t care too much about the distance challenges on the treadmill. We all worked hard, but we didn’t stress out over things either. On average we were switching every 2-3 minutes which was nice for the treadmill. I was dealing with a bit of nausea (not sure if it was still from my biopsy or I was starting to deal with hormonal nausea early) and I wasn’t going fast on the treadmill. And I was struggling with the rower a bit too. I didn’t struggle as much on the floor but I think that was because I used lighter weights because I didn’t want to let my group down and take too long to switch. But even with the struggles it was a good workout and I liked not having to worry about being at any part of the room for too long.
Wednesday’s workout was a power day and it ended up being a great day for me to work on my running. I wasn’t totally feeling like running, but once I saw what the workout would be I knew I had to make it a run day.
The treadmill work started with a 1 minute push pace followed by a 30 second base pace. I ran the push and walked the base as a power walker. And then we had 11 rounds of 1 minute all outs. I knew I had to run all of them and that was my goal for the class. After each of the all outs we had a walking recovery. We started with them being 30 seconds long and they increased by 15 seconds every other round. I thought with the longer walking recoveries that I would be able to do all of the 1 minute all outs as a run with no issues, and for the first 6 of them I was doing fine.
But starting with the 7th round, my legs were feeling very tired and heavy. I could feel my running form getting sloppy and I didn’t want to risk hurting myself. So while I started each of the all outs as a run, I sometimes had to short myself a bit. I usually was able to do at least 45 seconds as a run before bringing it back down to a walk. And that also gave me a bit more recovery time as well. I think because I did the extra recovery time, it helped me so that for the final 2 all outs I was able to run for the full minute. It was a lot of running and it wasn’t easy, but I’m so glad I did it.
The floor was 1 long block but it was broken down a bit into slightly different blocks. All of the blocks within the block had the same 4 main exercises: chest presses, bicep curls, shoulder presses, and reverse chest flys. But between each of the exercises we had different things. The first time we went through the exercises we had bench hop overs in between, the second time we had squats, and the third time we had pop jacks. Also after completing each round we had a 250 meter row. I was using heavy weights and did my best for all the exercises. My rowing was a bit slow, but I think that was because of all the running I did. I didn’t quite make it through all 3 rounds we were supposed to try to do, but I was almost to the end of the third round when class ended.
Wednesday night was a very tough night for me (again, more on that tomorrow) and I really thought I was feeling much better by Friday morning. But my body was feeling exhausted due to those events so I decided to go on the bike for my cardio. But since it was a 3 group class I wasn’t on the bike that long.
The class was an endurance one and the cardio portion was increasing push paces. We started with a 2 minute push pace, then had a 3 minute push pace, and finished with a 4 minute progressive push pace. Even though I was feeling exhausted I tried to do all of my bike resistance levels like I normally would. I even increased it every minute for the progressive push pace. We ended with a 1 minute all out pace before heading over to the rowers.
On the rower, we had some work that was timed on our own and some work that was timed as a group. We started with a 2 minute row and then we had some medicine ball work. After that we had a 1 minute row with more medicine ball work and we did that until it was time to do a 4 minute progressive push row as a group with the treadmills. I wasn’t able to get my rowing wattage up as much as I would have like to, but I was very proud to see that I did increase the wattage a little bit each minute that we were supposed to. We ended with another round of a 1 minute push row and more medicine ball work.
The floor work was 1 long block, but all of the exercises had 12 reps so I didn’t do many rounds of them. We had Y raises on the straps, tricep extensions on the straps, hip bridges using weights, hip bridge tricep extensions using weights, and lateral raises using weights. I was able to use heavy weights for my hip bridges, but I had to go a bit lighter for the arm work.
I thought I had done pretty decently in class considering how I was feeling, but as soon as class was done I burst into a real ugly cry. It was a release of all the emotions I had been dealing with and while I was a bit embarrassed to cry at my workout I really didn’t care either. I knew that I needed it and I needed that workout and I was glad I got both in.
Saturday I was doing better, but still physically a bit exhausted so I had another day on the bike. And I’m glad I picked the bike because it ended up being a strength based workout and I think I do better on strength days on the bike than I do on the treadmill. I can do more resistance work on the bike than I can do incline work on the treadmill.
We had 3 blocks for cardio and each block had a longer incline/resistance section. The first block had 1 minute, the second block had 2 minutes, and the last block had 3 minutes. I was using my normal resistance levels for the regular base, push, and all out paces but I was using higher resistance levels for those incline/resistance sections. Some of the resistance levels were probably higher than I should have used, but I wanted to push myself.
On the floor we had 3 blocks that all had 2 exercises and if we finished those we rowed until the block was done. And for almost all the exercises, we did 2 rounds of 10 reps and 2 rounds of 6 reps. The first block was side lunges with bicep curls and plank low rows. The second block was deadlifts and squats and in that block I had about a minute on the rower at the end. And the last block was lunges and bicycle crunches, but for the bicycle crunches we had 16 reps of those every time. I could have made it to the rower for maybe 30 seconds at the end, but I just did more ab work to not waste time.
At the beginning of this past week of workouts, I thought it was going to be a normal week. At the end, I really found out how much I needed these workouts for my mental wellbeing. I’ll share tomorrow what I was going through, but I am so grateful that I had my workouts to help make me feel better.
Hope And Health (or I Don’t Have The Motivation To Do A Bigger Challenge)
