Tag Archives: help

My 2021 Goals (or Preparing For A Year With Lots Of Unknowns)

Posted on January 1, 2021 | Comments Off on My 2021 Goals (or Preparing For A Year With Lots Of Unknowns)

Happy New Year! I hope that you all had a great New Year’s Eve, even if you were home alone like I was. I’ll be writing more about my New Year’s, but for now, I wanted to kick off the year with my 2021 goals.

Setting goals for this year was a little different from what I normally do. I have no clue when things will be more normal and we won’t have to be isolating ourselves. I hope that by the summer, things will start reopening again, but we have no clue. So I had to create goals that wouldn’t be affected if a majority of the year is spent at home and isolating myself from others.

The first goal shouldn’t be a surprise since it’s one that I’ve had a lot. I want to do at least 200 workouts in 2021. My plan is for these workouts to mainly be Orangetheory workouts, whether it’s in the studio or at home. Once I can go work out with others, I plan on the workouts all being at Orangetheory. But at home, I’m a bit more open to trying other workouts that are available online. I do love the Orangetheory at Home videos, but I also want to allow for some flexibility in case I feel in a rut or that I need a bit of a change. It’s still not easy for me to work out at home by myself. But I know I can do it and I feel confident that I will be able to do at least 200 workouts again this year.

My next goal is another repeat and one I’ve talked about recently. I want to work on my budget this year. I know that this won’t be easy because my job situation isn’t as stable as it’s been in the past, but I cannot let that be an excuse anymore. My hours with my new job are going to be pretty stable starting next week. And I should know soon about my hours with my data entry job, and once those are figured out they should be stable as well. The only big unknown for my income is my box office job. I don’t know when I’ll be asked back or how many hours I might get. But I still need to budget with what I do know and start making a plan so that I have things in order when I do have more steady income and I have things I want to use my money on.

Next is something that I’ve been doing a lot since I’ve had to isolate myself at home. I want to keep my house organized and continue to find the best way to maximize the space that I have. 2020 was a year that I discovered that I have a lot of things I don’t use or don’t have in the best spot to make sure I use them. I have things in my kitchen that I know I don’t use, and they are taking up space. And I have gotten new things for my kitchen and nowhere to put them. I’m looking at storage solutions for inside my house, but with space being limited I have to be careful what I bring in. The same goes for my bathroom. I don’t have any counter space, so I have to keep things on a shelf I have and in my medicine cabinet. The space is limited and I know I have things there that I don’t use or need. Organizing my house will be an ongoing project throughout the entire year, but I’m excited to see what my house will look like as I continue to work on this.

The next goal is a combination of a few ideas. I want to try more, take more risks, and be ok with accepting possible failure. Now, this doesn’t include my health or safety so I will not be taking risks by going out until it is safe to do so. But this is more about not limiting myself to things that only make me comfortable. If I want to take a chance in my acting career, I should go for it so I don’t wonder “what if?”. If I want to take a chance with online dating and say how I really feel to a guy, then I should do it without worrying that I might scare him off. If I want to try cooking something new, I don’t want to be afraid that I will ruin it because that might happen and that’s ok. It’s not easy to accept failure, but it’s a part of life and I want to be better at dealing with it.

And my last goal is a bit more about whatever time we are still isolating at home. I want to be ok with asking for help and support. There is no question that 2020 was a difficult year for me in so many ways. Being lonely and isolated is something that I’ve never dealt with to this degree. And I wasn’t as open about how much I was struggling as I could have been. I never reached out to a friend saying I needed a phone call or video call instead of just texts. It’s not easy for me to do this for a few reasons. One is that I don’t want to feel like a burden, even though I know that isn’t how my friends feel about me. But the bigger problem is that I haven’t been good at recognizing when I need to ask for support. Sometimes I don’t realize I could have used the help until I get over that feeling. I need to be a bit more aware and mindful about this and make sure I reach out when I need it.

I feel like these are some good goals for 2021. I feel confident that I should be able to make progress on all of them. I might not end this year saying I was successful in all of them, but I don’t think that I will be a total failure in them either. Hopefully, these goals help me to make 2021 a good year for me. Whether the entire year is spent in isolation or if I am able to go out and be social for a part of the year. I feel like I’m prepared for almost any possibility of what this year might look like, and that I will find ways to continue to better myself and grow as a person.

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Default ThumbnailOne More Mid-Year Check-In (or Preparing For The Second Half Of The Year At Orangetheory) Default ThumbnailAn Almost End Of The Year Review (or Looking Back At My Goals) Default ThumbnailMy 2017 Goals (or I Know This Year Will Be Amazing!) Default ThumbnailMy 2016 Goals (or I’ve Got Some Big Ideas This Year) Default ThumbnailHow Is This Year Almost Over? (or Doing A Check In On My Goals) Default ThumbnailLooking Back At My 2020 Goals (or Some Wins and Some Not Wins)

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Appreciating The Little Things (or I’m Lucky To Have Awesome Friends)

Posted on April 9, 2020 | Comments Off on Appreciating The Little Things (or I’m Lucky To Have Awesome Friends)

I want to believe that I typically appreciate the things I have in my life. I know there are some things that I take for granted, but I also am aware of how lucky I am in my life. I don’t think I have a lot of things in my life that would make others jealous, but I do have things that I know others would like and I am very grateful for those. And right now, it’s easy to forget how lucky I am sometimes because it feels like there is so much against me right now.

I have to remind myself that I’m not the only person going through isolation and that almost everyone is dealing with the same things that I am. But it’s hard to remember that when I am alone at my place and I don’t really see others struggling the same way that I am. I have been working on being more open about my struggles because maybe I am not seeing others struggle because they don’t want to share that. So by me being open, I can hopefully make someone else feel alone.

And I am lucky that I have friends who I can be open with and can turn to for help when I need it. I’m not good about asking for help, but I know right now that it’s something I need to get better at doing.

For example, I haven’t been to the grocery store in several weeks since I have been sick. I have been getting grocery delivery, but there are a few things that I either can’t get through grocery delivery or don’t want to get. For example, I needed some dried pasta and it’s not easy to tell grocery delivery that I would prefer this type of pasta but any would be fine. I could be ok with what I was able to get through delivery, but I also wanted to get a few more ingredients so I could make some more tasty and unique recipes.

So I texted my friend Liz who lives a few blocks from my house (and down the street from the grocery store) and asked her if she would mind helping me out. I told her that I wasn’t in desperate need of supplies, but if I could give her a list the next time she went to the store that it would be amazing. And she agreed right away. It wasn’t easy to ask for help, but having her agree to help with no hesitation helped me feel better about it.

She was able to get to the store earlier this week and I gave her my list. I had some things that I felt pretty certain she could find and a few that were harder. And I told her that I knew that she probably couldn’t find everything so it wasn’t a big deal if she could only get some things. And she was able to get everything for me except the 2 that I thought might be impossible to find!

Even though she lives only a few blocks from my house, I drove to her place to pick up the groceries. I had some extra alcohol that I didn’t need taking up room in my place so I brought that for her as a thank you for getting me supplies (I also paid her back for all the groceries, the alcohol was a bonus). I put that in the trunk and figured that if she put the groceries in the trunk that would keep us about 6 feet apart so that should be safe.

The grocery exchange went well and I’m going to remember using my trunk that way for any future help that I might need or if I can help others get supplies. And Liz hung out for a few minutes next to my car (but still a good distance away) and we had a quick catchup chat. It was the most in-person conversation I’ve had with a friend in weeks. Even though I’ve had phone calls and video chats, there is something so different compared to an in-person talk. I really needed to have those few minutes of feeling like I’m in the same space as another person. There really aren’t ways to do that too often right now. Hopefully, there will be some public spaces that I can have some physical distances with friends open soon. Like a park where we can all sit 6 feet apart and just hang out. I am craving those moments right now and it has made me realize how lucky I am that I typically do have those.

It was so nice to feel support from a friend in real life and not just online. I need to be reminded that I do have friends that would do that for me if it was possible. Right now, it’s just not possible unless it’s for a specific purpose. I can’t ask for help for things that are not essential (both for my health and my friends’ health). But this time is temporary and soon things will be able to be a bit more normal. And I will hopefully be able to repay the favor to friends who did help me with so many things, both in-person and virtually.

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Remembering A Year Ago (or Still So Grateful My Friend Got Help)

Posted on September 5, 2019 | Comments Off on Remembering A Year Ago (or Still So Grateful My Friend Got Help)

About a year ago, I wrote a post about a friend who I had to force to get help because I felt they were a danger to themselves. That night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I have shared a lot of what happened with my friend because he doesn’t remember much about it (which I’m grateful for because I said some harsh things to him to force him to get help). When I wrote that post a year ago, I had no idea what my relationship would be like with my friend. Now, I’m so grateful that it hasn’t changed. If anything, we have gotten closer.

That night will stick out in my mind for so many things. I feared what would happen if my friend didn’t listen to me. I had threatened to call the police to get him if he didn’t go to a hospital, but I was so worried he would drive somewhere else and I couldn’t call for help for him. I didn’t think he would do anything to hurt himself while he was in the car, but I was still scared he would get in an accident because he was acting very irrational. I had no clue if my friend would talk to me again but I had to realize I was willing to sacrifice our friendship if that meant his life would be saved.

But some positives came out of that night. First of all, my friend got the help he needed. He has told me since that night that his doctors believe he might have harmed himself that night, so he needed to get help and he did. He has done some amazing work with his doctors and in therapy in the past year and I’m so glad that he has taken those steps. If that horrible night was what needed to happen for him to get the help and medical care he needed, that’s a good thing. I also witnessed so many friends coming together to help, both that night and for the days after it. We pulled together to help our friend with things like moving his car to a place where it won’t be towed, picking him up when he was coming home, making sure he had things he needed, and looking into options for paying for his medical bills.

My friend has also become much more open regarding this since this happened a year ago. I think that’s a good thing because more people can learn from what he has gone through and that can support him if they are going through something similar. I’ve shared on here several things that I battle with, and I have only seen positive things from being open. I hope that that’s what my friend is experiencing as well. From what I’ve seen, he has only gotten good things from his openness.

I know that my friend has been a bit anxious about this anniversary and I can understand that. He has gone through so much in the past year and I have only seen a fraction of it. I have tried to remind him that this is also an anniversary of him getting help and starting a new phase of his life. I’m sure he is remembering things from before and it’s not always easy to see the difference in your own life sometimes, but I see the difference. I know he isn’t the same person he was a year ago. I don’t worry about him the way I used to because I know he is in a much better headspace than he was before. I know that he is more comfortable reaching out and asking for help if he needs it. He has more resources than he had before and can manage things differently. I’ve only seen positive changes in him and that makes me hopeful that things are just going to continue to get better.

A year ago, I had no clue what would happen or if my friend would be ok. I’m so glad that things turned out the best that they could. I know that not everything is perfect, but they are being worked on. And seeing all these positive changes in my friend makes me feel better about forcing him to get help because that was something I really did struggle with. But now, there’s no question that it was the right thing to do and I hope that anyone who knows of someone who is at serious risk of harming themselves would do the same. It’s not easy to do, but it was the right thing to do.

And if you are struggling and want help, there are many resources out there. Going to an emergency room is an option if you don’t feel safe. They will help you and make sure that you are safe or get the help that you need. But I know that some people can’t or won’t do that for a variety of reasons. So if you don’t want to do that or are not sure if you need help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are available 24/7 and can offer resources or just be someone to listen to you. Getting help isn’t easy, but hopefully, you will see the good that comes out of it by hearing a little bit of what my friend accomplished since he got help.

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National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem)

Posted on February 28, 2019 | Comments Off on National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem)

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I know the week is almost over, but I decided to write something about this. I wasn’t going to originally, but I realized that even though I am pretty open about my eating disorder it would be wrong not to write about this week.

I don’t know exactly when my eating disorder started, but I honestly feel like I’ve had it my entire life. I remember binge episodes when I was a kid, I just didn’t know that they were anything other than me liking food. I’ve had issues with food as long as I can remember. I used to just think that it was a willpower issue or that I was weak and not able to control myself. It doesn’t help that there was very little information about binge eating disorder when I was growing up and I couldn’t really just go online to research about it. I was very educated in anorexia and bulimia and I knew that I didn’t have either of those. I recognized signs of my issues in bulimia and I actually was frustrated with myself that I couldn’t be strong enough to find a way to get rid of the food I ate.

My eating disorder wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was in my 20’s, but I already knew I had a binge eating disorder before that. I needed the official diagnosis for medical purposes, but it was just a technicality. I already knew what I had and I knew that it wasn’t just about me liking food or being fat. I had an eating disorder and I shouldn’t consider myself weak because of it.

There isn’t a lot of information yet about genetics and eating disorders. I have seen studies that show that people can have a tendency toward an eating disorder because of how they were raised, but I honestly feel like it is a genetic thing for me. If it was about how I was raised, then I don’t think it would have started so early for me. But even if it’s genetic, that doesn’t mean I can’t conquer it one day. There are people with a genetic marker for addiction and they are able to get sober. The difficulty for me is that I cannot be totally sober from food since I still have to eat to live.

These are all things I’ve written about on here before. I was terrified the first time I posted about having an eating disorder because I hadn’t been open about it with many people. I didn’t know what people would think about me once they knew I had an eating disorder. Obviously they knew I struggled with weight, but not everyone struggling with weight has an eating disorder. But I was relieved to discover that once I was open about it I was getting support from my friends. Some of my friends shared with me about their struggles with food or said they had a loved one with a binge eating disorder and didn’t know it had a name.

Being open and honest has been the best thing for me. I have gotten so much support and love from the people in my life and I don’t have to feel like I need to cover up for anything. When I am having a bad day, I can tell a friend about it. When I am out to eat and have obsessive thoughts about food, I don’t have to hide it and I can talk through the thoughts with the person I’m with. While I have been working toward recovery in many different ways, the one that I feel has made the biggest difference is not feeling alone. Finding other people going through the same thing as well as having friends who know what is happening makes me feel like this battle is not just me against the world.

So when I was debating whether or not to write about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I realized that not writing about it would possibly prevent someone else not feeling alone. While I have written about this multiple times, maybe this is the first post that someone else is reading. Or it could be toward the top of the search results when they are searching for something. I want to allow opportunities for someone to know that this is not their fault and they can get help.

If you are battling an eating disorder of any type or have someone in your life batting one, this does not have to be a solo battle. There are so many ways to get help and support and not being alone in this seems to bring the most success. You don’t have to be strong on your own to get over this. Allow yourself to accept help and know that the more people you have on your side supporting you the better off you will be.

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Asking For Help Again (or Trying Not To Feel Desperate)

Posted on December 19, 2018 | 2 comments

Job hunting has been a part of my life for a long time. Even when I had regular jobs, I’m always looking for other things I can do because it never hurts to make more money. I figure the more money I make, the quicker I can pay off my credit card. This has been my game plan for a long time because I want to have no debt in my life, but it just hasn’t been my reality yet. For a while, I was doing pretty well at making dents into what I owe, even if I wasn’t going at the pace I wanted to. But it was amazing to see the total owed go down and I felt hopeful that I would reach my goal eventually.

But lately, that’s not what has been happening. I’m down to one day job right now, and that job doesn’t pay enough for me to live off of it. It basically pays enough to cover my rent and maybe one of my cheapest utility bills. I’ve been looking for a new job for a while and looking for a job is almost like a full time job for me. When I started job hunting, I mainly focused on remote positions that I could do around my current job schedule. That worked out really well with my last job and it would be amazing to find something like that again. Then I started looking at remote jobs that would be replacing my current job. Even though I enjoy my current job and it’s easy, I can’t keep it if there is something else out there for me that can pay me enough. And now I’m just applying for anything and everything I’m right for.

On average, I’m guessing I’m applying for 50-60 jobs a day. It’s a lot and it’s a bit ridiculous, but I have to do whatever it takes to find another job. I hate feeling so hopeless and stressed, but I honestly don’t know what else to do. I know I am very lucky and privileged that if it comes down to it, my parents can help me out a bit. But I don’t want to ask for their help. They already do so much for me and it’s so embarrassing that I can’t be an adult and take care of my financial stuff myself. I hate feeling dependent on someone else and even though I’m grateful to have them there if I need it, I don’t want to have to ask. I’ve already spoken to my parents about my current situation and they know what’s going on, but I’ve also said over and over that I don’t want to have to ask for help from them. I am just trying to stay hopeful that something will come my way.

And like with the other job hunting type posts I’ve written on here, I’m asking you all for help. If any of you know of any jobs, can you please comment on here, use the contact form to reach me, or message me on social media? I’d love a remote job and that would allow me to work for companies anywhere in the world, but if they are non-remote jobs I’m looking for something in LA (preferably on the westside of LA but I can’t afford to be picky right now). I have found jobs through my friends so many times and I have a feeling that my next job will be through a referral again since that seems to be the most common way people are finding work these days.

And I’m looking at lots of random side jobs that I could do. I’ve gotten my availability back up for babysitting again on the apps I’m registered with since that can be really good money. I’ve looked into doing dog walking which is something I did years ago (I stopped because the company I worked for was being weird about paying their employees). I’ve looked into working for the scooter companies for charging scooters. And I’m signing up with different temp agencies because I know that maybe I’ll find something good that way.

I’m really doing whatever I can right now and it’s just hard when things aren’t happening for me. I have gotten some rejections from applications I’ve been doing online and at least that proves that someone is seeing what I’m sending out. And I have gotten some responses back regarding some of the jobs, but when I looked into them they appear to be more of a scam than a job (like having to pay to work for them or the point of the job is to get friends to sign up). As much as I want to believe I will find something soon, I know right now is a weird time to get a job with the holidays. I won’t stop applying for things because of that, but I’ve also had to be realistic and realize that I might not be able to find something until the new year.

All I can do is keep applying for everything I can, keep asking if anyone knows of any jobs, and hope for the best. I know eventually I will find something, but I really thought that eventually would have happened by now.

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Job Hunting (or You Never Know Unless You Ask)

Posted on October 19, 2018 | Comments Off on Job Hunting (or You Never Know Unless You Ask)

I’ve written about my job situation on here a few times. It’s been up and down over the years, but I have been lucky that for the past few years things have been relatively steady. I’ve had 2 main day jobs and even though one of them varied in the number of hours it was still something. But since one of my day jobs is a government contract job, it’s always been a bit of an unknown what each year would be like for me.

My contracts for that job are renewed each September and it was looking like this contract was actually going to be a much bigger contract than what we thought. I was so excited about that because money is always tight for me and I can use more money to pay off more debt. But then things changed and there was no new contract for me this September. This is not due to my work performance or even what my job wants. It literally is a government contract that is decided way above all of our heads. My boss felt horrible that there wasn’t a new contract right away, but she was hopeful there would be a new one soon.

I thought maybe there would be a month or two delay before the new contract was ready to go. And it’s still possible that I’ll be signing my new contract soon, but there’s no date estimate yet. It could still be a few more months or it could be tomorrow. But right now there is no way to know when it will happen until it happens.

I do expect that I will be working for that job again soon, but at the same time I need to figure out something else to help supplement my income right now. Even though I didn’t make a ton of money at the job during the past contract, it was money that paid my bills and I need it. I did just get a small raise at my other day job, but that only covers about 25% of what I was making at the contract job. So while I have been a bit lazy about job hunting (because I was hoping that I would be on a new contract soon), I can’t do that anymore. I need to find something that I can do that will cover what I’m not making right now.

I’ve had a lot of luck with finding jobs through people I know or people I previously worked for. My current box office job is through a friend who worked for the company. My contract job is through an old boss of mine. And my will call job (which is usually one day every other month or so) is also through an old boss of mine. Even the random temporary jobs I have had in the past few years have been from friends knowing I’m looking for work and knew of a job that fit what I can do.

So I’m putting it out here again. I need another part-time job. Ideally it would be a remote position so I could work from home like I already do and that I could do it between my customers at my box office job. I have a lot of downtime and would prefer to use it productively instead of watching lots of random things online or searching different Internet forums. I know that I’m asking for something very specific, but I know what type of work would work best in my current situation. And hopefully there would be something that fits that and is looking to hire.

It would be amazing if someone reading this knows of a job that I could apply for. I am always so grateful for people who are willing and able to help me out or consider me for jobs they know about. It’s not easy finding a job, especially a job that is flexible enough for me to continue pursing acting. It’s a hustle to make it doing what I love, but it’s so worth it to me. I know that one day my hard work will pay off and I look forward to that day. But for now, I need to find another day job to help support me in pursing my dreams. And hopefully putting this out there will help me find that job and will be the next amazing story of all the day jobs I’ve had.

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Friends Helping Friends (or Not Being Afraid To Ask For Support)

Posted on September 19, 2018 | Comments Off on Friends Helping Friends (or Not Being Afraid To Ask For Support)

This is a bit of an update on my friend, but it goes a lot further. My friend who was getting inpatient treatment is now home and all of us who knew what was happening are so happy for them. There are still a lot of uncertain things and some things that are stressing them out about the help that they need, but it is moving forward and I have a strong feeling that things will work themselves out. A lot of things are still in the works and are not necessarily a straight path to success, but they have gotten so much help so far and so many things are much better than they were before.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was able to share what happened with a small group of friends so they could help me out. Doing that was such a huge relieve for me because I could feel like not everything was dependent on me. As much as I always want to help friends and see what I can do, I know I can’t do it alone. I do feel like I show people how much I care by helping them when I can and being there for them. It’s not the only way I show that I care, but it is a bit one. And it also makes me feel needed when I can help someone. So passing it off to another person makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. But I’ve been trying to get better about asking for help because I know that most of the time it is the right thing to do.

But at the same time, asking for help is a difficult thing for me. And it’s a difficult thing for my friend as well. I completely understand the feeling because you don’t necessarily want to put yourself out there. If you ask people for help and nobody gets back to you or can do it, what does that mean about you? What does that mean about your friendship? I understand thinking that you aren’t important enough to people if they can’t help you, even though I know that it’s not the truth. But putting yourself out there is also opening yourself to rejection which is a very scary thing.

After my friend came home, I talked to them and we decided to create a new message group that included all the people from before as well as my friend. That way, they could ask for help from people who know what happened (they have not told everyone yet and I didn’t want them to feel like they needed to do that to ask for help). So we have our new message thread going on where my friend can ask if people have recommendations for things or if they can bring them food. People have been able to step up and help out and I know that my friend really has appreciated it all.

I admire my friend for being strong enough to ask for help when they are in such a vulnerable state. It’s also something that they have struggled with in the past so working on it is such a big step. I hope that asking for help and receiving it will help them know that they are loved and that asking for help can be a good thing, but I also know that feeling that can take a long time. I don’t have the same worries that my friend has, yet I still worry about asking for help because of the feeling of needing something and not getting it. I don’t like to feel like I’m not able to get what I need so I don’t like to rely on someone else.

I should take a note from my friend and work on doing steps to being better about asking for help. I could probably use the same message group that we created for my friend to ask for help for private matters. And I’m trying to be more active about asking for help on social media, even if it’s a silly thing. For example, I needed a tripod holder for my phone and I knew I could easily buy one. But because I’m working on not shopping online, I didn’t just go to Amazon and get one. So I put it on Facebook to my friends to see if anyone could loan me one, and a friend reached out and said I could borrow theirs when I needed it. It was such a simple ask, but it also isn’t what I normally would have done before.

While I continue to encourage my friend to ask for help and to work on being there for them when they need it, I really also want to work on taking my own advice and doing the same thing for myself. I know I have friends who wouldn’t mind helping me if I just asked them to. And if they feel the same sense of being needed by helping others that I do, I should allow them to help me.

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I’m So Glad My Friend Called Me (or Forcing Someone To Get Help)

Posted on September 11, 2018 | 1 comment

As I shared yesterday in my workout recap, something happened in the middle of the week. I have previously written about how I have had some personal experience with depression and some friends who have considered or attempted suicide. These are not easy things to talk about, but it is important to talk about them. There is no reason to be embarrassed if you are struggling and reaching out to get help. But I also know that reaching out to someone to ask for help is not easy. And on Wednesday night, I had a friend reach out to me for something else that turned into me forcing them to get help.

The story of what happened to my friend is not mine to share so I will not be very detailed in what happened. But they called me saying how frustrated they were with work and they actually walked out of work that evening. It was very impulsive and not the behavior I was used to from my friend. A few minutes later in that call, they said they kind of wanted it all to end and to cut their arms.

While this friend has had suicidal thoughts before, I have never heard them share a specific plan they had in mind. They also recently got a new therapist and I didn’t think they would be able to reach them (plus it was late at night). I honestly went into a bit of a panic. Was this someone just being frustrated and venting or was this a cry for help that I needed to take seriously. I realized that I had to do something and I got very forceful with my friend.

I told them that they had 2 options. Either they would drive to a hospital right now and go to an ER or I would call the police on them to have them taken to a hospital. I got very mean to my friend and said I didn’t care which they picked but they were going to have one or the other. And I told them if they picked the hospital that they had to keep me on the phone so I could have proof they went to an ER. I realized after saying that if they decided to hang up on me and go somewhere other than their home, I couldn’t do anything. My friend didn’t talk for a few moments and then told me they were driving to the hospital.

While they were driving, we didn’t talk much. I was trying to stay strong on the phone, but I was crying hysterically. I kept thinking that things could turn so wrong in a moment if my friend decided to do so. I just had to have some faith and trust that they were really driving to the hospital and that I would soon hear the voice of someone in the ER confirming they were there.

After my friend parked, they found a security guard to help them find the ER. I was on the phone, but there was no talking happening. And what felt like forever later I finally heard the voice of a woman in the ER confirming my friend was there and safe. My friend had to hang up the phone to check in, and when the phone call ended I completely lost it.

I knew that this was a risky time for my friend and I’m so lucky that not only they called me and admitted what they were thinking but I am lucky I didn’t miss their phone call. I have been thinking of the alternative scenarios in my head and I know they are all bad. I tried reaching out to friends to talk to but it was very late at night and most people were asleep. My friend called me from the ER asking if I could drive to where they were to move their car because they parked in the wrong area. Fortunately, before I had to make that drive, another friend got back to me and was able to do it. I didn’t feel like I could drive 30 minutes each way with how upset I was. I am so grateful for the friend who lived closer to the hospital to do it.

Even though I knew I did the right thing, I still questioned it. What if my friend wasn’t really going to harm themselves and I was overreacting? What if I just forced them to do something they didn’t need and they will have a huge hospital bill to deal with now? I was able to talk to a friend that night to talk this out with and they just tried to keep telling me that I will never regret helping someone if they didn’t need it but I would regret not helping if they did need it.

I didn’t sleep much that night because I just couldn’t stop thinking. But I had to come to the conclusion that my friend might be very upset with me for various reasons but I would be ok having a friend alive and angry with me and not ok with a friend who was dead. I knew intellectually that I made the right decision, but emotionally I struggled with it.

I heard from my friend later that day. They were being released from the ER and being sent to a mental health facility for a few days to get treatment. They didn’t go into the specifics of what was happening and I don’t know if they knew them at the time. They just sounded scared and confused but called me to update me. They also told me of some other things they might need help with and gave me permission to talk about it with a few of our mutual friends to see who could help.

Being able to tell other people what was happening helped me a lot. The weight of everything was no longer on my shoulders and I could talk things through with others. I know that what my friend was going through was much more intense than what I experienced, but I was surprised how drained I felt. You think that making a friend get help when they are in trouble would make you feel good. But for me, I felt good and awful at the same time. But being able to talk to others really helped me feel more reassured that I did the right thing.

I felt even better about it when my friend reached out to me to update me on when they were thinking they would be coming home and in their text message to me they thanked me. I also got a message from my friend’s mom who said I saved my friend’s life and they were grateful for me. I know I shouldn’t have to hear it from outside sources, but hearing my friend’s mom say that really solidified in my mind that I did the right thing and that there was no other option that would have had as positive of an outcome.

As I’m writing this, my friend isn’t home yet but should be soon. Another friend of ours has talked to them on the phone and said they sounded good. And I am hopeful that my friend will be ok and not angry or upset with me. But I have also accepted the possibility that they might be distant or not as friendly to me for a while. I will have to wait and see what happens, but as long as they are alive I am ok with whatever happens.

Even though I have had to talk friends down before when they were not in a good mindset, this was so different. But even though this was a tough thing for me to do and I was very upset about what I had to make my friend do, I don’t regret it for a second. I could not imagine my life without this friend and I would be devastated if they weren’t here. And if they harmed themselves after talking to me on the phone and I didn’t make them get help, I would never forgive myself.

But this isn’t about me. This only had this result because my friend was brave enough to share what was happening with me. They could have lied and said they were fine even though they weren’t. They felt like they needed help and knew they needed to say something. And I was just the person who happened to be listening and telling them what to do.  I cannot say how unbelievably proud I am of my friend for getting the help they needed. It is not easy, but hopefully in the long run they will be grateful for it.

While my friend felt comfortable enough to tell me what was happening, I know that isn’t always the case for everyone. I know some people don’t want their friends to know what is going on. And if that is the case for you and you are struggling or having thoughts of harming yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are people there 24/7 who can help you find help. And if you hear someone you care about expressing thoughts of harming yourself, you can also call the Lifeline to get advice on what to do.

I know that when someone is in the depths of depression it can feel like you aren’t worth getting help. Please know this isn’t true. Everyone is worthy of getting help and being able to be happy in their life. Please reach out to someone if you feel helpless. There is always hope.

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It Can Be Tough To Get Help (or Trying To Be A Good Friend To My Friends)

Posted on June 14, 2018 | Comments Off on It Can Be Tough To Get Help (or Trying To Be A Good Friend To My Friends)

It wasn’t that long ago that I wrote about depression and how a few of my friends were going through very tough times. I had some friends who had tried to kill themselves and fortunately they were no successful in it so they could get help. Even though I always have made myself available to my friends if they need someone to talk to, they didn’t necessarily reach out to me before they tried to end their lives. I know this is a very selfish thought, but I was angry at them for not calling me so I could help them.

With the recently celebrity suicides in the news, a lot of people are wondering why Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain wouldn’t have asked for help. They had so many people in their lives who cared about them and would have been there for them. Everyone is always saying that if you need help that you should ask for it. But I’ve learned from what my friends experienced that it’s not that simple. If they are in a head space to ask for help, they will do that. But because mental illness can make you think untrue things are fact, they sometimes have said that they believed that they weren’t worthy of getting help or that none of their friends would have helped.

As much as I want to convince them that those statements aren’t true, I know that I can’t necessarily change their minds. I can tell my friend every day that they are a worthy and amazing person and they might still have the voice in their head saying that I’m lying to them and that they’re worthless. I can’t force mental illness to go out of someone’s mind by my positivity, despite how hard I try to do that. I wish I could make that true, but it can’t always be true when someone is in a deep depression.

It can feel like there is no way to help a friend if they won’t reach out to you when they need the help. I have struggled with figuring out how to be a good and supportive friend when it feels like the support isn’t enough or doing the trick. But after the suicides last week, more and more people are being open about their battles with mental illness and there have been some commonalities with the stories with what has helped.

So many people have shared how they were very close to killing themselves when a friend randomly called or texted them. Sometimes people were reaching out to them to make plans, and sometimes it was just to share a stupid story or meme they found online. Whatever it was, that contact was enough to snap them out of the mental illness fog they were in and realized that they needed to get help because they weren’t safe. I’ve personally experienced that with a friend. They were about to kill themselves when they got a text from another friend. I don’t know what the content was of that text, but my friend ended up calling me while they were driving to the hospital to be checked in. They snapped out of it and were able to be admitted to the hospital to get the help they needed.

We can’t always be constantly checking in with our friends when we know they are struggling, but we can all make more of an effort to be better friends and to remember to just say hi via text to friends every so often. That’s a good thing to do for friends with mental illness as well as friends who don’t. It helps you stay connected to friends when it’s so easy to let months go by without talking to a friend. When you see them posting on social media, it can seem like you’ve been in touch when you really haven’t. I’m guilty of this quite a bit and I’ve been working on fixing it. And now I have a bigger reason why I need to fix my bad habits.

Of course, if you need help and know you need it, there are many ways you can do that. If you have a friend you can reach out to so you can make sure that you can be safe, do that. If you don’t have that or can’t do that, you can call 911 or drive to a hospital to get help. And there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that you can call or text to talk to someone.

While this might not sound like good news, but the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has reported a significant increase in calls in the past week. But that is good news because people are getting the help that they need by a trained professional. Hopefully they are able to find all the resources that they need to continue to get help and they will be able to get through this. It takes such a strong person to not only admit they need help but are able to take action to get the help they need.

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I Know The Holidays Can Be Tough (or Trying To Give Support To My Friends)

Posted on November 17, 2017 | 3 comments

When I was younger, I was diagnosed with depression. At the time I thought that the diagnosis was correct even though no medication was helping me. Now looking back, I’m pretty sure it was a misdiagnosis and my depression was more of a side effect of my eating disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, and mild OCD. But even with it being a misdiagnosis, I understand how helpless things can feel at times. But fortunately for me, I can get myself out of that mindset before things get too bad.

But that’s not the case for several of my friends. I have many friends who have depression and other mental issues that lead to depression. I’ve had friends attempt suicide and have been the person that someone calls in the middle of the night to hear a voice of reason when things seem impossible. I’m more than happy to be that person for my friends because I don’t want to see someone harming themselves because they don’t think anyone cares or can’t get a hold of someone. I sleep with my phone on and next to my bed so I can be available for calls in the middle of my night. I’m fine sacrificing sleep if it helps someone else not do something that cannot be reversed.

Like many other mental health issues, I think depression and suicide are getting more attention in the media and that it is becoming less stigmatized. If you haven’t seen last week’s episode of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (spoiler alert), the episode is themed about this. I think that this episode was so powerful and that they will continue to be as sensitive about the subject in the coming episodes. But just because something is being discussed publicly more often doesn’t necessarily make it easier for those dealing with it.

I know that depression can hit at any time of the year, but I also know that for some of my friends it can be worse during the holidays. If you are used to being with your family and can’t do that it can be tough. If you are surrounded by happy people and you feel like an outsider, it can be tough. Anything can be a trigger and it doesn’t have to be for a reason or make sense. But when depression hits and you feel like there is no escape it doesn’t matter what else is happening in the world. You just feel like you need out and that isn’t always the right thing to do.

I’m posting this now because I’ve recently had a few friends try to kill themselves. I’m glad that all of them were unsuccessful in their attempts so they are still around and are able to get help. But it’s still hard to think that someone I love that much felt like they were unloved. And no matter how much I try to support them, I know that depression is a personal battle and they have to work on it on their own. But not everyone has the same support that my friends have and I want to make sure that everyone knows where they can get help.

One of the best ways to get help if you feel like there is no other choice is to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

There is someone you can talk to 24/7 and help is free and confidential. They can guide you to resources to get help and will listen to you without judgement. And if you are a friend or family member of someone who is suicidal, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can help you too. There are resources so that you can help someone else. I have used those before to help my friends. And I’ve also used their guides on how to report suicidal posts on social media so you can help someone who you may not know in person. Sometimes people joke about suicide and it’s tough to tell if they are being truthful or not. I’ve reported people who weren’t being serious on social media, but I’d rather be more cautious than to think someone is joking when they really are reaching out for help.

Hopefully if you are feeling helpless or know someone who is that you know that help is possible. I know that it doesn’t always seem that way, but it’s true. And when you talk to someone who has overcome depression they will tell you that there is hope and help when you need it. And once they are on the other side they are so grateful that they didn’t do something that they couldn’t come back from.

I know that for my friends battling this that many of them have a long way to go. But I love them so much and want to support them in any way I can. And I’m in it for the long haul with them. They are with me with battling my eating disorder and know how wonderful it feels to have someone supporting me on my best days and worst days and isn’t wondering how much longer it will take me to get over things. So by doing the same thing for someone else (even if it is about a different mental health issue), I’m just trying to pay forward the support I’ve been so lucky to get.

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