Tag Archives: worthy

Reflecting On My Word For 2022 (or I Think I Proved I’m Worthy)

Posted on December 29, 2022 | Comments Off on Reflecting On My Word For 2022 (or I Think I Proved I’m Worthy)

I can’t believe that this is the second to last blog post for 2022! It feels like this month just started and we are already at the end. And since it’s the end of the year, I’ve been reflecting on the things I declared at the beginning of the year. Tomorrow, I’ll go over the goals I set for the year. But for this post, I just want to look back at my word for the year.

For 2022, I decided the best word for the year would be worthy. I don’t think I realized at the beginning of the year how much I needed this to be the word to use to guide how I got through a few things over the last 12 months. I know that I still am dealing with some confidence issues and standing up for myself, but I also think that I did better at that this past year than I did in the past.

The biggest place I think I used the word worthy was in my dating life. For far too long, I believed that I wasn’t worthy of what I wanted or thought I deserved. I had been told I should be grateful that anyone would consider me in any way, and that I should accept what is presented to me without complaints. I think I started to really rethink this during the start of the pandemic and think about who I was considering having in my life, both as friendships and as dates. I needed to make sure that I put my health and safety first and that meant setting boundaries that I wouldn’t back down from. That was great practice for me to set boundaries for things that weren’t about safety.

It would have been very easy for me to fall into old patterns and try to play cool while dating instead of stating what I wanted. But I also know that if I did that, I would be getting something that doesn’t fulfill me. I think being alone and not dating is a better place to be than being in a situationship that makes me question where I stand or what is going on. And unfortunately, there are guys that I went out with who only wanted what they wanted and didn’t want to consider what I wanted. But I know better now that I am worthy of having the type of relationship that I want and I stood my ground about this. I had to end things after a few dates with different guys because they weren’t looking for the same thing that I was looking for. Or they wanted to keep things casual for a long time and then maybe they would consider something more serious. I know that things can’t be serious right away, but I’m also not going to date someone who might not ever want something serious. If I’m going to date someone, I need to know there is a reason we are dating other than just having someone you can call when you are lonely or bored.

Making sure I knew my worth and being strong about that meant I didn’t date as many people this past year as I did before, but I’m ok with that. I’ve always wanted to find quality over quantity, and this was the first year where I think I really implemented that idea. It was frustrating at times when I was hopeful about someone only to find out they couldn’t meet what I wanted, but I also know it would have been worse if I let things go on for months before saying I needed to end them.

I think I also showed my worth with my job. I have been in a new job position for a while now and getting to that position required me to show the executive team why they should create this position for me. I didn’t have to necessarily prove myself, but I did need to show them where as a company we were lacking and how I was the right person to fix that. I’m not someone who likes to brag about myself, but I had to do it in this case because it was the only way to prove to the team why this was the right move for the company. And I’m so grateful I was able to do that and didn’t just hide in the shadows. The work I’m doing now uses my skill set a lot more now and I’m much happier in my day job than I was before.

And I think the last big place I had to show I was worthy was the condo renovation. I know the contractor wasn’t trying to take advantage of me or anything like that, but there are things that aren’t exactly right and I had to stand up to say that these things needed to be fixed. There are still some things that aren’t perfect and they will need to come back to correct them. In the past, I probably would have accepted something that was less than perfect. But this is my home and we paid them to do this work. And if there are things that don’t seem right, I want them fixed before we sign off saying the project is over. My parents pushed me with making sure I spoke up about these things, and I don’t know how I would have done things without them pushing me. But I know it’s for the best and they are right because a renovation shouldn’t require us to fix things after they are done to make sure the work is perfect.

I’m so glad I picked worthy as my word for 2022. It really was the perfect word to help me have the best year possible this past year. I had to get out of my comfort zone, but it paid off. And I know that just because this year is over it doesn’t mean that I won’t be using this as a guide going forward. It’s just going to continue to help to guide me as I interact with others and make sure that I don’t forget that my worth is considered in decisions.

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Finding My Worth (or My Word Of The Year)

Posted on January 6, 2022 | Comments Off on Finding My Worth (or My Word Of The Year)

With the beginning of the year, it’s also time for me to plan my word for the year. Like I mentioned before, I see the word of the year as a theme for me and I like to pick positive words that can also challenge me.

Last year, my word for the year was patience. I think that was pretty self-explanatory with why I picked it and I think it was a good word to have last year when patience was something I needed to have and remind myself to be better about. But when I was going through ideas for words for 2022, I was really stumped. I do try to find words I can get on a bracelet from MantraBand, but this year I was also considering getting a ring. And since you can customize things too, I knew I didn’t need to pick something they already had. But I still like using their options as inspiration for me.

After looking on their website a few different times, I finally settled on a word that seems perfect but also a bit scary. This year, my word of the year is worthy.

And yes, I made a new computer background for this year with my word on it so I’m always reminded of it.

Being worthy is something I know I haven’t been good about in the past. I have allowed others to treat me in ways I know I didn’t deserve to be treated. I have made myself smaller and not spoken up. I have let others dictate too much about my life and my self-worth. And when I challenged myself to speak up more for myself, part of that idea is also knowing my own worth and that I am worthy of things I want.

In some aspects of my life, I am still figuring out what I want and what I’m worthy of. Or I question what I have believed for a while because it may have been influenced by what others have told me. But at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with thinking I’m worth something and then changing my mind. Maybe I think too little of myself and maybe I think too much of myself. But growth and self-improvement are all about recognizing where things need to change. But the most important thing is to stop being scared of asking what I want because I am afraid of how others might react. If they react negatively about something I really feel like I’m worthy of, then that can speak more about them than about me. I have put myself last on the list for too long and I want to work on fixing that.

I don’t know what positive changes will come this year as I remember my worth and remember to not settle, but I know that it will allow me to be more honest with those in my life. And maybe asking for what I want will also bring those things into my life more. I don’t need to waste time putting energy into things I don’t want or that are less than I want. I want to focus on moving forward with the life I want to have and the things and people I want to have in that life.

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Believing I’m Worthy Of Effort (or Still Learning More While Dating)

Posted on May 27, 2021 | Comments Off on Believing I’m Worthy Of Effort (or Still Learning More While Dating)

I’ve written so many posts about dating on here. Sometimes my posts are about crazy dating stories from either things I see on dating apps or things that have happened on a date. And a lot of posts have been about lessons I’ve learned through my experience of dating. Life lessons from dating have been a big theme for me. This is why the book I’m working on about dating is all about things I’ve learned through dating. And I know that this is something that will continue to be a big part of my dating life. I will never stop learning about myself through what happens with other people.

I know that sounds a bit bad, but I don’t necessarily take what others think of me as a guideline. It’s more about how I feel around them or seeing how I am treated and deciding if I’m ok with that or not. And for a long time, I didn’t allow myself to consider how I felt about things while dating.

If there was a guy that I was interested in, I would focus on figuring out what he wanted. Did he see me as just a friend or was he interested in more? Was he looking for something casual or something serious? I really wanted to know what they wanted and until the past few years, I didn’t think about what I wanted. There were guys that I wasn’t sure if I really liked them but I was still focused on seeing what they wanted. I didn’t allow myself to really think if I wanted things to continue or not be serious. Fortunately for me, I have been much better about this over the last few years. There are some guys that I have gone out with and have known quickly that I would consider dating them casually but never wanted to be with them seriously for one reason or another. If they wanted something serious, I had to turn them down. And that’s not easy for me because I do still worry if I will ever find another person who will want to be with me. But I’m glad this is something where I have taken some power back.

And more recently, I have realized that I am worthy of someone willing to make some effort to date me. This doesn’t mean I play hard to get or make it difficult for them to do things. I have 2 examples of how this has been playing out in my life recently.

First, there is someone from my past who has reached out to me again. They said they wanted to see me again and I was open to that. The reason we stopped seeing each other years ago wasn’t for anything bad, we just weren’t in the same place in life and it didn’t work out. But one issue I had with this guy was that he wasn’t always reliable. He would ask me out for the weekend and then I wouldn’t hear from him until after the weekend and he didn’t seem to understand why I was upset that I didn’t get to see them when I thought I would.

So when he reached out to me again, I said that I’d be open to trying to date again. But that if he wanted to do that he had to communicate with me over the phone. I wasn’t going to wait to see if he texted me back. I wanted phone calls so we could make plans and not have texting games. I didn’t think this was a big ask and he agreed to it. And for a week or two, he was calling me to talk and we were starting to make plans. But then, he went back to his texting routine. Saying he wanted to see me that weekend and then not texting me until the weekend was over. I texted him back once to say that I would like to plan a date but he would have to call me to do that. And he hasn’t been calling. He continues to text and I am no longer responding. I don’t think I’m making him do anything too difficult, but if he cannot follow through with phone calls to start, I have trouble believing that his reliability will be better if we did start dating again. If he finally called and made plans, I would give him a chance. But from the way he’s been acting, I don’t think this will be happening.

Another situation where I am trying to let someone make some effort is someone who I matched with more recently. We’ve gone out a few times and so far things have been really fun and nice. But I feel like I’ve been pushing for that next date a lot. I have been reaching out to see when he’s free and he hasn’t been giving too much of an answer. Mainly that he’s busy and will let me know when he’s free. And I’m not going to push more. If he really wanted to see me again or talk to me, he will do so. I don’t need to be bothering him asking if he’s free since he said he would follow up with me. This is a bit more of an uncomfortable one for me because I hate to think that maybe I won’t see him again since I’m not pushing for another date. But I also know that I don’t want to date someone that I have to push to see me. I want someone who wants to see me and is going to make it happen. That’s what I do, but now I’m not letting myself be the only one doing that.

It’s not always easy for me to believe that I’m worthy of someone making an effort, but I’m getting better at that. People like to say “if they wanted to make it happen, they will find a way”. And as much as I don’t like that statement, there is some truth to that. If these guys wanted to date me, they know what they have to do. I’m not going to push them into doing it or lower my standards just so I have someone to date. And maybe one of these guys will change and they will be the person I am meant to be with. Or maybe they won’t and I’ll find the person who makes as much effort as I do.

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Blogging Led To A Breakthrough (or I Need To Believe I’m Worthy)

Posted on April 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Blogging Led To A Breakthrough (or I Need To Believe I’m Worthy)

Yesterday I wrote about how I was putting off doing an elimination diet to hopefully discover what triggers flares of one of my autoimmune conditions. I was honest about why I’ve been scared to do it and what I might or might not find out. Writing that all out did help me sort through my feelings a bit, but when I was done writing I wasn’t done thinking.

I kept wondering why I was so scared of something that will lead to answers one way or another. Even if I don’t find any foods that cause flares, I will learn that I don’t have trigger foods. That won’t be the result I want, but it’s more information than I have right now. But I knew that there had to it than just that. I thought maybe I was scared that it would trigger disordered eating behaviors, but I’ve done so many random diet plans and I know how I behave on them.

Then I realized something that I don’t know why I hadn’t connected before. Part of the reason I am hesitant to do this elimination diet that might help me is that I don’t necessarily believe I deserve to find out.

I’ve written about how in my past someone in my life liked to tell me that I wasn’t lovable or worthy of things. I’ve always thought of that in connection to dating and friendships. Whenever I get ghosted by a guy, I have to work through the thought that I was an idiot to think I deserved a guy that great. I was just ghosted by someone recently who I thought was a really great guy and I was looking forward to seeing him again. It sucks to be ghosted, but I know it has nothing to do with me. There are women in my life that look like supermodels that get ghosted. It’s a numbers game and since I put myself out there a lot I have the risk of being ghosted a lot.

But this false narrative I have about not being worthy does go beyond relationships. Maybe I’ve never connected it before or I never had the reason to connect it before. For years, I have said that I was unlucky with health related things because I always have weird stuff. But I never felt like it was my fault those things happened. They usually had a reason I could pinpoint that took the blame off of me somehow. But with an autoimmune condition, there’s nothing I can blame it on. Even if I discover what my triggers are, those didn’t give me this problem. It just makes it worse.

And I know that I didn’t do anything to deserve this issue or anything else health related. I know that it’s just a genetic issue or mutation that I had no control over. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been putting blame on myself.

Part of it is because I was misdiagnosed for a while and some people believe the skin flares caused by my condition are due to weight or bad hygiene. While weight can make some of the flares worse, weight doesn’t control whether or not I get this or get flares. And hygiene has nothing to do with it, but I do take a lot of care of my skin where I get flares so I don’t have any secondary issues. But when I was told that this was something I could have controlled and it wasn’t getting better, I did blame myself for not doing more. And when I couldn’t make it better, I figured I was doing things wrong and I couldn’t figure out what to do.

Now that I know that this is an autoimmune condition, I don’t have the same blame on myself. But I do wonder why I had to have this bad luck and what I did to deserve this. And the answer is that there’s no explanation for the luck and I didn’t do anything to deserve it. But in the back of my head, there is still the voice that says that I’m not worthy of good things.

And one of the good things that I feel like I don’t deserve is to get answers and to have fewer flares. It’s such a weird back and forth in my head about whether or not I deserve it. I know I do because everyone deserves to have whatever control they can over their body and medical conditions. But that little voice keeps telling me that I’m crazy to think that.

I have been working on quieting that mean voice through therapy and it has gotten better in the past few years. But it seems to pop up every so often and sometimes it’s in very unexpected ways. I never thought that it would be one of the reasons I have been avoiding working on my autoimmune condition. But the more I think about it the more I feel like that makes sense.

I’ve said so many times that writing this blog is like therapy for me. And I think that it always will feel like that because it allows me to get my thoughts out and even though I risk people judging me it is my voice and opinions uncensored. That freedom is so great for me. And having a breakthrough moment because I couldn’t stop thinking about something I wrote is a new way this is therapy for me. I’m so grateful I figured that out because now I have something new to work on and see if I can keep making that negative voice quieter in my head.

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This Might Be A Breakthrough For Me (or Trying To Believe I’m Not Unloveable)

Posted on October 25, 2017 | Comments Off on This Might Be A Breakthrough For Me (or Trying To Believe I’m Not Unloveable)

I’ve talked about how in my past I’ve had someone who told me how I was unloveable. They tried to convince me that nobody would ever want to be with me and that anyone who claims to love me is lying to get something out of me. They tried to tell me how my friends didn’t love me and that my family was embarrassed by me. They told me the only way to change this was to stop being fat because being fat was being a 3rd class citizen. This didn’t cause my eating disorder (I had that for years before this conversation) but it didn’t help either.

As much as I wanted to not believe what they told me, I couldn’t get the idea of being unloveable out of my head. And the fact that I had really bad luck dating reinforced this and made me believe it more. I have been cheated on several times and that made me think that I wasn’t worthy of being the only person that someone wants to be with. I have tolerated not being treated the way I should be treated. And I allowed this to happy to me because I really did think that I wasn’t worthy of something better.

I know that I am worthy and lovable but it’s tough to believe that sometimes. Even with all the luck I’ve had lately with online dating, I still don’t believe that maybe someone will like me for me right now. And because of that, I have noticed that I am putting up with things that I shouldn’t have to. I am trying to be more open-minded about things, but being open-minded doesn’t have to mean lowering my standards. And I have noticed lately that I’ve been tolerating things I shouldn’t have to and I don’t want to put up with that anymore.

There is one particular guy that I’ve been seeing very casually for a little while. I hadn’t mentioned it really on here because we weren’t serious and I was still going out with other guys since I didn’t know where this would be going. I’m not a fan of casual dating because I like to know what is happening, but again I’ve been trying to be open-minded and didn’t feel like I needed to rush or push things. So we had been seeing each other on and off for a little while and it was going fine for a while.

But then things changed. He seemed to be flaking on me and then reappearing like nothing happened. I think if you are texting someone every day for a while and then you don’t text for a week or two you should probably apologize. But he didn’t and I didn’t want to push anything so I never really asked about it. I gave him another chance and he did it again. And again I thought that maybe I would give him another chance because I didn’t want to end something that was fun.

I’ve never been the person to end a relationship. Even when I was cheated on, it was more of a mutual decision than me ending things. And I’m sure that a part of the reason why I’ve never been the person to end things is because I’m terrified that the person I’m going to end things with is the last person who would want me. I don’t want to end something and risk being alone the rest of my life. I know how crazy that sounds, but that’s really how I was thinking.

But with this guy, I knew that I was pretty much done with him. I understand casual dating doesn’t mean you hear from them every day, but that doesn’t mean you can be a flake or fail to follow through with plans you have been making. So I decided to end things with him. But even though I knew that is what I wanted to do, I couldn’t get the courage to do it. I didn’t want to just send a random text to him saying that I thought we should both move on. So I waited for him to send me another text so I would have something to reply to.

It took about a week between when I had decided I wanted to text him and when he texted me next. And he texted me to ask what I was up to for the weekend and I was honest. I told him that I had fun seeing him but that I thought that this thing had run its course and ended. I was shaking when I sent the text because I couldn’t get the voices out of my head. But when he texted me back, I knew it was the right choice. Because his text back to me was something about how he was busy watching football. Not really the response I was expecting and I don’t think he actually looked at what I sent to him. About 3 hours after he responded, he responded again asking what I was doing for the weekend. And I sent my text back to him saying how I thought we shouldn’t see each other again. That was a few days ago and I haven’t gotten another text from him.

I still feel terrified that I will never find another guy to go out with, but I’m trying to keep those thoughts quiet compared to what I know is true. I am lovable and I will find someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I don’t have to tolerate something that isn’t right because of a fear of being alone.

I really feel like this was a huge breakthrough in my life to prove that I am worthy of things that I want. I don’t have to settle in any sense of my life. And I’m hoping that this breakthrough will have the potential to lead to more breakthroughs in other parts of my life where I know that I haven’t felt worthy before. I need to get that voice out of my head telling me that I don’t deserve things because that was just one person’s opinion of me and not the truth.

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