Tag Archives: weight loss

Letting Go Of The Old Me (or This Was Very Overdue)

Posted on November 11, 2021 | Comments Off on Letting Go Of The Old Me (or This Was Very Overdue)

For quite some time, I have said I needed to go through my closet and dresser and get rid of clothes I don’t wear anymore. I also needed to see what things might have holes or other things that needed to be repaired so I could decide if they should be tossed or fixed. I’ve gone through my clothes from time to time and have gotten rid of a lot that was just taking up space, but I know I need to do more work with this because there are things that I’m convincing myself I will wear again.

But there is one part of my wardrobe that I didn’t look at any time I did a closet clean. I think a lot of people who have lost a significant amount of weight do this, but I had a small collection of my favorite skinny clothes. This wasn’t in my closet but in a storage bag under my bed. So I didn’t have to look at them and be reminded of my skinny clothes that often, but I always knew they were there.

When I lost weight, I was more than happy to get clothes that fit me better. I would try smaller sizes as soon as my current clothes felt even a little baggy. When I gained weight, I held on to those smaller sizes until it was painful to wear them anymore and then I would size up. I haven’t been my skinny size in well over a decade, but for some reason, I still held on to my favorite pieces.

So the other day, when I was doing a big clean to really look at what I want to move and what I don’t need, I decided to finally open up those storage bags and see what I could get rid of. Most of the items in there were things I kept for sentimental reasons. There was one thing that wasn’t skinny clothes, but only sentimental. I had my high school prom dress in that storage bag. I did like my prom dress, but it wasn’t like it was a dream dress or anything. I struggled to find something in my size but I was glad I found something that fit me and was pretty. I only wore it one other time for a costume party, but I was holding on to it. And I figured it was time to let it go so it went into the pile of things to get rid of (which was going to be donated).

And then I started going through the rest of the clothing from the bag. I had 2 pairs of jeans that were the smallest jeans I wore as an adult and they really fit me well when I was that size. I had a few different dresses that I kept for random reasons. One was a cocktail dress that I lucked into finding and wore quite a bit when I was that size. Another I never wore but I bought because it fit perfectly, was a color I loved, and was on clearance when I found it. The only way I knew it was on clearance was because the tags were still on it. I also had a few different shirts that were a mix of fancy dress shirts and silly t-shirts that reminded me of something specific. I thought I had a lot more in that storage bag, but it was under a dozen things.

I thought about keeping a few of my favorites, but honestly, there isn’t really a good reason to do that. I will have more closet space at my new place, but I don’t need to hold onto these things. Even if I fit into them again, they aren’t really in style or my taste anymore. And while they do remind me of a good time when I felt much better about my body than I do now, I don’t need to be reminded of what I used to have. I try not to think about how my life might be different if I never gained weight again. And looking at that clothing did make me wonder about the alternative life I could have had. And while my life would likely be different if I was still skinny, I have no way to know if it would be better than my current life. So I’m choosing not to think like that too much. And the easiest way to do that is to not have any of my skinny clothes in my house anymore.

It was a little tough to get rid of things I have held onto for over a decade, but I did feel a sense of relief when they were gone. I don’t have a reminder of the old me anymore and I don’t need to reflect on my past in terms of my body, weight, or size. I know that I have some clothes in my closet now that probably don’t fit and are the wrong size, but they are things that might just be a size or two off. So I’ll need to do a day where I try on what I own and consider getting rid of what I don’t want to hold onto even if it’s almost the right size.

One day, I might be that skinny size again and I’ll need to buy clothes if that happens. But for now, I want to focus on my size right now and make sure I have clothes that fit who I am now and not who I used to be or who I might be in the future.

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Default ThumbnailA Major Cleanup (or Saying Goodbye To The Old Me) Default ThumbnailHolding On (or When Is It Time To Donate Old Clothes?) Default ThumbnailAnother Rut In My Life (or Time For Some Shopping) Default ThumbnailRenting A Dress (or Testing Out Gwynnie Bee) Default ThumbnailIs It Too Early To Be Spring Cleaning? (or Out With The Unused) Default ThumbnailGetting Rid Of Extras (or Cleaning House)

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Posted in Fun Stuff, Shopping, Weight Loss

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Skipping A Transformation Challenge (or This Was An Easy Choice For Me)

Posted on January 21, 2020 | Comments Off on Skipping A Transformation Challenge (or This Was An Easy Choice For Me)

Yesterday, Orangetheory kicked off their transformation challenge. I’ve done the transformation challenge several times, and I’ve even got second in one! I like how OTF does the challenge because it’s not based on total weight loss but the percentage of weight loss. So it’s a bit fairer for everyone who is doing it no matter how much weight they are looking to lose.

OTF doesn’t focus on weight loss other than doing these challenges. The focus on the workouts is about getting stronger and being healthier. I like that that’s what the focus is because I think I would be getting frustrated if the focus was more on weight. My weight fluctuates so much throughout a month so the number on the scale can be annoying. But seeing that I can lift heavier weights is something that I take pride in and see a more linear path. But I know that so many people (myself included) do work out so that they can lose weight. But it’s just not the main focus for me anymore.

Between my fluctuations each week and me still trying to recover from my eating disorder, my weight journey is just crazy right now. For example, I gained about 15 pounds right before I had my period last time and it slowly came off over a week. That’s not too weird for me, but I know it’s weird. And I have been working on not getting down on myself when it happens because I’m always worried that the gain was due to food and not hormones. And even though I haven’t really been able to lose any weight recently, I know that I’m smaller than I was a few months ago. I know people say that muscle weighs more than fat, and I’m guessing that’s what happened, but it’s still a hard thing to believe in my head.

So for me, weight isn’t really something I’m trying to think about. I do have a scale so I can check in with myself or keep myself accountable or realistic when I need to, but I’m not obsessed with the scale as I used to be. When my last scale broke, I didn’t even think about replacing it for almost a month. And I didn’t care what scale I bought, even though in the past it has caused me to almost have a panic attack when I’ve had to get a new scale. It’s really nice to have that stress out of my life. I do still worry about weight from time to time, but it doesn’t control my thoughts as it did before.

I’m not sure what brought this change to me, but I think it has to do with struggling for so long to try to lose weight and not see any results. I have wanted to give up so many times on trying, but at the same time, I know that I have to continue to make good changes in my life as I am right now. Even if the number on the scale doesn’t go down, I know I am living a healthier lifestyle than I was before. And being healthier is what I need to focus on, even if my appearance doesn’t make it look like I’m doing that.

Because of my current thoughts about weight and weight loss, I didn’t even think about doing the transformation challenge. I love what the challenge is about and if I was in a different headspace I would do it. But right now, I know signing up for the challenge isn’t because I think I could win or that my weight would be any different at the end. I would basically be signing up to prove that my weight fluctuations are still there and that it doesn’t matter. And I don’t need to do that for myself.

I know some people use the challenge as a way to motivate them to go at least 3 days a week to OTF. If I needed that motivation, I think that would be a great way to get into a regular workout schedule. But I’m already going 4 days a week almost every week, so I don’t need the challenge to push me to do that. And I’m sure for most people, the prizes are enough motivation to make major lifestyle changes that can last beyond the challenge. But for me, that doesn’t work and I have felt bad when I did make a change for the challenge that I couldn’t maintain.

I am super excited for all my friends who are doing the transformation challenge and I’m going to be cheering them on to win. But for me, I just didn’t see a reason to sign up considering what my life is like right now. I didn’t feel guilty or bad about not doing it, I just have come to the realization that this type of challenge isn’t right for me right now. But maybe in the future, I will be in a better place with my eating disorder and my weight and I will sign up for a challenge and win!

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Default ThumbnailWeight Loss Challenge Time (or Not Worrying About Winning) Default ThumbnailAnother Weight Loss Challenge (or Getting Back On Track) Default ThumbnailIt’s Not Really A Transformation Challenge Fail (or Trying To Be Less Competitive With Myself) Default ThumbnailDoing A Transformation Challenge (or Maybe I Need To Change Things Up) Default ThumbnailGuess Stopping The Medication Was The Right Choice (or Maybe I Should Have Read More Into The Side Effects) Default ThumbnailGetting Weighed In (or A New Orangetheory Challenge)

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Posted in Fitness, Health, Weight Loss

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Guess Stopping The Medication Was The Right Choice (or Maybe I Should Have Read More Into The Side Effects)

Posted on August 27, 2019 | Comments Off on Guess Stopping The Medication Was The Right Choice (or Maybe I Should Have Read More Into The Side Effects)

I wrote last week about how I was stopping the new medication that I was on for my eating disorder. I was a little disappointed to be stopping it because I wanted to see if it was going to work, but I was just not happy with the side effects that I was having and they were starting to affect my life more than I was ok with. At first, they didn’t seem that bad. But they started to get worse and the benefits I was seeing weren’t worth the issues I was having.

I’ve been slowly decreasing my dosage and it will still be another week before I’m off it completely. And technically the medication can be in my system for another 6 weeks so there is a chance I will still experience some of the side effects for a while once I am done. The thing that bothered me the most and got me to want to stop was the vertigo. And fortunately, that has pretty much stopped. I still have a few moments of vertigo, but they are mild and brief. It’s nothing like what I experienced a week ago when I wasn’t able to sit without falling over. I have a feeling the pins and needles feeling in my hands and feet will take a long time to go away. But that is more of an annoyance to me than an issue so I’m ok with that taking longer.

I did do a lot of research before starting this medication and I was aware of a lot of the side effects. Of course, there are hundreds of potential side effects with any medications so I try to just look at the big ones that people have and not the little random ones. But I guess I should know better than that because I have a history of being the person who gets the one in a million side effects. But I also know that reading all of the random things can be scary and I don’t want to freak myself out before starting something.

I mentioned in my workout recap post that my workouts were not that great last week because I was dealing with horrible nausea again. I also mentioned that I expected that it was going to be an easier week for me because it was supposed to be the week that I got my period so things would be getting better. But I didn’t have my period that week. I knew I wasn’t pregnant and I knew I was under a ton of stress so I didn’t worry too much about it. But when my stress level went down and I still didn’t have my period, I started to worry a little bit since I usually am not late. For some reason, I was looking at the side effects of this medication and happened to see that one of the random and rare things can be irregular or changes with menstrual cycles. And I knew that there was a good chance that the medication was the cause of this.

Irregular cycles could be a good thing if I could guarantee that I would have fewer cycles a year, but it could also make PMS or periods longer (like what I dealt with recently with two weeks of PMS). I don’t want to risk having longer PMS or periods for the off-chance that I will have fewer cycles a year. I want to keep my cycles regular so I know when to expect things and to be able to plan things out. I can’t do anything now since I’m working at coming off the medication now, but I’m so glad I’m doing that because I don’t want to have to deal with this any longer. It’s a side effect I wish I knew about because I might not have taken the risk with taking it knowing how bad things already are for me.

I know that this isn’t my therapist’s fault. She warned me about the major side effects and gave me information on the other side effects. I probably should have been a better advocate for myself and looked into the side effects before taking it, even if that meant going down the rabbit hole and looking at the one in a million ones. I was just so excited to see if this medication was going to work and I didn’t want to look into the problems. But now I’m dealing with the issues with it and I’m just hoping that it’s out of my system soon.

I guess I just have to be grateful that I did decide to stop the medication last week so I already started working on decreasing the dosage so that I am almost done. I didn’t let the idea of success cloud my head and make me ignore the pain I was in. And now I just have to work through this and hopefully, I’ll be back to my normal self again soon.

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Default ThumbnailA Quick Vyvanse Update (or I Guess Forgetting Helps Time Pass) Default ThumbnailAlmost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early) Default ThumbnailAnother Quick Therapy Appointment (or Video Appointments Make Things Easy) Default ThumbnailNo More Late Nights? (or Is My New Medication Making Me A Party Pooper?) Default ThumbnailSome More Virtual Therapy (or Trying Another Medication) Default ThumbnailSkipping A Transformation Challenge (or This Was An Easy Choice For Me)

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Almost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early)

Posted on August 20, 2019 | Comments Off on Almost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early)

When I had my appointment with my therapist, one of the things that we talked about was a new medication that I was going to start. The medication was being prescribed off-label for me. Normally, it’s for headaches and sometimes for seizures. But it has also been found to have some side effects that work as benefits for people. Specifically, it has been found to cause people to lose weight and lose their appetite. So if I had those side effects, it would be a very successful medication for me.

It is a strong medication and there was no way to know how my body would react. So I had to do a very slow dosage increase over 4 weeks. The plan was that I was going to try this medication for 6 weeks and then I was going to have a phone check-in with my therapist to discuss how I feel and see if I liked how things were going and if the dosage seemed right. 6 weeks seemed like a good trial period to me and I was excited to see how it went.

Immediately, I noticed side effects that were not the ones I wanted. I noticed tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. For some reason, this was bothering me the most when I was rowing in my workouts. It got worse as I increased the dosage but then got better. So I was thinking that maybe I got over the hump of getting used to this medication.

I didn’t talk about any other side effects from this medication other than the tingling feeling because that was the only one that really affected me a lot in my day to day life. But I did have other things that I noticed and I wasn’t sure if they were side effects or not. I was trying to think maybe they were just feelings of stress or being tired because I am dealing with both of those a lot right now. And I wanted this medication to work. While it’s not suppressing my appetite the way I was thinking it would, I am losing some weight. I’m not the incredible shrinking woman, but I am down about 12 pounds in a month which is pretty impressive considering I don’t think I’ve made a huge difference in my food.

But I have realized these other little side effects can’t be ignored anymore. Yesterday, I had the worse bout of vertigo that I could remember. It was terrifying. I was holding to the ground to try to stay still. I couldn’t sit up without falling over. It started when I was sleeping. I woke up and the room was spinning. I tried to sit up and I couldn’t do that. The next thing I knew, I fell out of bed and was on the ground and couldn’t get my head up. I finally was able to get back to bed and sleep some more, but the entire morning I was dealing with vertigo (including in my workout which also was while I was nauseous).

The vertigo got a bit better in the afternoon, but I was still having moments when the room felt like it was spinning around me. I know that anything could have caused this, but I need to take variables out of my life. I already have had other weird issues with this new medication and I don’t want to be paranoid that anything wrong with me is caused by this medication. Right now, that’s the thought I have any time something seems off and I just want to get that variable out.

But because the medication is so strong, I can’t just stop it. I emailed my doctor and we came up with an ease off plan. Fortunately, I can ease off it quicker than I got up to this dose. But I will need to be working on it for 2 weeks before I can stop completely. I don’t know if my side effects will lessen as I lower the dose since most of them started even at the lowest dose, but it would be nice if they were a little easier on me. And I don’t know if when I am off the medication if they side effects will end right away or if they will linger.

I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to give the medication the full 6 weeks that I was planning on, but at the same time, I have to prioritize my health and how I feel. And I just don’t feel right and I don’t think it’s going to get better. It really has only been getting worse and I don’t know if I want to give it more time to try to get better. Maybe if I sucked it up a few more weeks I would be over a hump, but I don’t know if I want to suffer through a few weeks. But I am glad that at least I tried and know I know that it’s just not the right thing for me so I can move on and keep trying other options.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Doing More Tracking (or Finding Out Some Data Is Just Too Emotional)

Posted on May 1, 2019 | Comments Off on Doing More Tracking (or Finding Out Some Data Is Just Too Emotional)

Last month, I had a goal to work on tracking a few things in my life. I knew that things were getting a bit out of control and tracking is a way to gain control again. All of the things I was planning on tracking were things I have tracked before so I figured it should be a relatively easy challenge. And of course, since I thought it would be easy it wasn’t.

It was easy for me to track my spending and income. This was a habit that I had been doing for a while and it was pretty easy to get back into it. There were a few moments where I forgot to track something or had to spend more time than I would have liked double checking things, but it’s been relatively easy. It helps that right now I have more money coming in than I’m used to so I’m not seeing everything in red. But I want to get this habit back to where it was so I’m ready when things aren’t as great.

I also wanted to do accurate tracking of my weight and food. And this is where I struggled last month. Tracking my weight wasn’t too horrible, but I’ve realized that it’s not something I want to keep up as regularly as I was. I have some big weight fluctuations due to hormones and even when I know that my weight gain isn’t real it feels that way. It’s not easy when the scale says you are up 10 pounds overnight and all your clothes don’t fit. I know that it’s due to swelling and water weight, but I still hate seeing that. I need to figure out a better way to track weight because I need to do it, but I can’t do it as often right now. I’m not sure if weekly would be right and mostly doesn’t seem often enough, so this is something I will have to play with.

And tracking my food was kind of a disaster. Food tracking is such an emotional thing for me and I thought doing tracking would help take that away a bit. But instead, it made it more emotional and I could sense my moods being affected if I had a good day or bad day. I know I do need to do some tracking, but I’m not sure how to do it without the emotional tug I was feeling. It may have just been harder for me this time because of where I am in my life and outside factors, but whatever it was I know I failed at tracking food last month.

And for this month, I have another tracking related challenge. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am not sleeping enough. I have had several days of only getting 4 hours of sleep. Part of this problem is how well I have trained myself to get up at the same time every day. Even if I go to bed really late, I’m still up at 7. If I sleep in, it’s only until 7:30 or 8 and that’s not that late if I get to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning. It’s not always that I am out late, sometimes I am in bed at a reasonable time and I stay up reading. Before I know it, it’s 2am and I’m still awake.

I know in a perfect world I would be asleep by 11pm so that I will get at least 7 hours of sleep even if I wake up in the middle of the night. That’s not totally realistic since there are some times that I’m just getting home at 11. But I think setting a goal to be in bed by midnight on those late nights and by 11:30 on not late nights isn’t too hard. And I need to set a limit on my nighttime reading to make sure that my lights are being turned off by midnight. It probably sounds weird to have to limit how much I read at night, but sometimes I just get so into a book that I forget that I need to put it down.

I think working on having a set bedtime also relates to better time management in general. I don’t have to get everything done in the evenings that I make myself do. I can save some for the next day or if I was better with how I use my time I could probably get them done during the day. Procrastination is my enemy when trying to get better about when I go to sleep.

I know that some people have alarms to remind them to go to sleep, and I’m going to look into those options. I might just add something to my daily reminders to remind me that I need to start winding down. I already have my phone and computer set to reduce the blue light I see in the evening, but I don’t have that for my tv. I know that they have blue light blocking glasses so those might be a good investment for me (I just don’t know how they would work if I was also wearing my regular glasses if I took my contacts out). I also am going to look at what parts of my evening routine I can do earlier so that it’s not a lot of self-care work at the end of the day and I’m tired.

I’m ready to not feel as tired anymore. This has been a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while but it has gotten significantly worse in the past few months. I know that getting more sleep will benefit so many aspects of my life and I can’t wait to see those benefits. And hopefully it will have some benefits I’m not expecting and my life will be even better when I’m well-rested a majority of the time.

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It’s Been A Weird Food Week (or Trying Not To Think Too Much About This)

Posted on February 20, 2019 | Comments Off on It’s Been A Weird Food Week (or Trying Not To Think Too Much About This)

Since I had the procedure last week, I have been on a weird diet. I was prepared that I might be in a lot of pain the day or so after and that I probably wouldn’t want to have to chew food. I wasn’t expecting to have my jaw hurt for so many days as well as have difficulty opening my mouth all the way because of where the stitches are. I haven’t been able to chew food properly since getting the stitches in and I’ve pretty much been on a liquid diet for a week.

I’ve done different forms of liquid diets in the past. I had the medically supervised one I did over 10 years ago when I lost a ton of weight. I’ve occasionally had to do liquid diets when I have different dental issues or when I was sick. I try to have some sense of variety in it, but I’m usually just having different types of smoothies or protein shakes and soup. It’s not the most ideal thing to do, but when it’s not easy to eat solid food it’s what I have to do.

I know there are a bunch of ways I could make a liquid diet unhealthy or how someone could gain weight from it. That’s not usually the case for me. This past week, the first few days were actually a struggle to eat because of the pain I was in. Once my appetite came back, things were a bit easier for me but I was still limited in what I could have. I still was eating pretty much the same thing I was having before and I was trying to be cautious about the quality of what I was eating.

I know that I was not getting enough calories in each day and because of that I lost weight. Losing weight is a good thing for me, but I don’t want to lose weight this way. This is how I lost it when I was on the medically supervised diet and I know it’s not a sustainable lifestyle. Eating how I’ve been eating for the past week isn’t sustainable either. But it’s hard not to be a little optimistic about losing weight this easily and to be swayed that maybe I should do this.

Even though my eating disorder is not about restriction, I do think that all eating disorders are related and that it might be easy to switch from one to another. I don’t want to get into a restrictive mindset and form a different set of bad habits. It’s hard not to want to keep doing this when I see results, but I know that eventually the results won’t keep happening and that I might think I need to restrict even more to keep going. I can see the slippery slope of how things can get really bad and I’m actively thinking about avoiding that.

But on the other hand, I do want to at least maintain the progress I’ve had this past week. I have had other times where I had to be on restricted food for one reason or another and then when I could eat normally again I gained back everything I had lost. I am currently doing one of the Orangetheory Transformation Challenges and while I’m not doing anything too crazy diet-wise I also don’t want to gain weight during this challenge. I always struggle with finding the balance in my food and I know that balance is also finding the middle between this restricted diet and what I normally eat. I wish that my stomach would shrink super easily and it would be difficult to stretch, but I think I’m the opposite.

I am trying to celebrate the weight loss I had while not putting too much thought into how I got them and putting too much on what I did to see the results. I would love if this time is the time that I am able to make the change, but I’m also realistic. I hate that there is a very high chance that I will gain back what I lost and that I will be back to my old diet and have binges again. One day things will click in my head and will change and maybe that’s now. But I’ve also learned enough from this happening multiple times before that I can’t get too down if that doesn’t happen and I can’t be too focused on the results from this weird food week.

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Posted in Food, Health, Tough Stuff

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It’s Not Really A Transformation Challenge Fail (or Trying To Be Less Competitive With Myself)

Posted on April 6, 2018 | Comments Off on It’s Not Really A Transformation Challenge Fail (or Trying To Be Less Competitive With Myself)

I wrote previously about how I had signed up for the Transformation Challenge at Orangetheory but how I was debating about continuing it. I was at a pretty low point with my weight loss journey where I had been taking on lots of water weight and my body was puffing up. I was thinking about going to get some blood work done to see if it was my thyroid, but many of the symptoms I experienced (feeling cold, more hair loss than normal, the water weight gain) finally started to go away so I’ve postponed going to the doctor.

But because I was dealing with those medical issues, I pretty much gave up on the transformation challenge. I was feeling a bit depressed about how high the number on the scale was even though I knew that it wasn’t all “real” weight. But when you are a part of a transformation challenge that is based on weight loss, there’s no way to determine what weight I might have lost when the scale is actually higher than where I started.

I’m so competitive with myself and I thought it would be difficult to give up on this challenge. But the timing worked out well for me because the last part of the challenge was when I already started working out at the Culver City studio. And that studio wasn’t doing the challenge (new studios don’t do challenges right away) so I wasn’t facing it all the time and that helped keep it out of my mind. In fact, when the final weigh-ins happened for this challenge, I wasn’t at the Brentwood studio any of those days. I could have gone in just to weigh in, but I didn’t worry about it. And the staff there understood my reason and nobody there made me feel bad about it.

Of course, even though others didn’t make me feel bad about it, I still did. I know that I didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, but I still blame myself a little bit. And I would have loved to have won or placed in the challenge because I could always use that boost of confidence. But this time just wasn’t my time and I am working on understanding that. My stubbornness and competitiveness can be good things, but they can also cause me to be upset when there is no reason for me to feel that way.

So while I am feeling a bit down about not completing (or kicking butt in) a challenge, I am trying to think about what various therapists have said to me and focus on the positives. I knew that I wasn’t in the best place mentally or physically and made the smart decision to not continue the challenge. I think that if I did continue the stress may have made a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing worse. I also didn’t use the setback as an excuse to not work as hard. In fact, I think I was working harder to prove to myself that I wasn’t giving up in general but just giving up on this temporary challenge.

Being kind and gentle to myself isn’t something that comes naturally to me. It’s a skill that I’ve been working on for so long and it may be a struggle the rest of my life. Whenever something doesn’t go my way or the way I hoped, I automatically assume it is my fault or I was not worthy of something. It’s rarely the case that it is and I want to try to work on not having the negative reaction as my default. I’ve had enough good stuff happen to me that I should believe that I deserve good and I don’t deserve the bad, but as I’ve said before I think some of the things I heard as a child are just stuck in my mind and will always be demons I need to fight.

But for now, I’m not mad at myself for not completing the challenge. And for me, not being mad is a pretty big victory. And I am choosing to focus on that victory as the big win I had for this transformation challenge.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Weight Loss Challenge (or Getting Back On Track) Default ThumbnailWeight Loss Challenge Time (or Not Worrying About Winning) Default ThumbnailDoing A Transformation Challenge (or Maybe I Need To Change Things Up) Default ThumbnailSkipping A Transformation Challenge (or This Was An Easy Choice For Me) Default ThumbnailGetting Weighed In (or A New Orangetheory Challenge) Default ThumbnailEnding My Challenge Early (or I Guess I Made A Mistake)

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Doing A Transformation Challenge (or Maybe I Need To Change Things Up)

Posted on February 20, 2018 | 1 comment

I’m currently in the middle of a transformation challenge at Orangetheory. This time, the challenge is 8 weeks long instead of 6 weeks and it is the same as how the weight loss challenges worked. You have to work out a minimum of 3 days a week during the challenge and there are official weigh-ins at the beginning, middle, and end of the challenge. Sometimes the winners are based on fat percentage lost, but I think this challenge is based on weight loss (I’m not 100% sure).

I pretty much always sign up for challenges. Most of the time it’s pretty much what I would be doing normally and there is the potential to win. I was in 2nd place during one challenge. And I love having a goal in mind to work toward and having the support of others. Whenever there is a challenge there is always some camaraderie between those in the challenge and we encourage each other.

But this challenge things seem to be different for me. I still get the camaraderie between people in the challenge and I love to support others who are doing in. But my heart doesn’t seem to be in it this time.

I’m definitely struggling with food and weight loss right now. My new medication dosage is helping a lot, but there are other factors I have to consider now. I do still have binge episodes even though they are less severe and less frequent that before. But I also am not able to work out as hard as I used to because of the medication. Also, while I am adjusting to things I am being a bit easier on myself and indulging from time to time on foods I love. I’m not necessarily going crazy, but I’m not on a strict plan either like I have tried during other challenges.

I’m also dealing with massive weight fluctuations right now. I’m guessing these have to do with hormones but I had one week were my weight went up almost 20 pounds and then I went pretty much back down to where I was. That is frustrating when I am trying to see if I have made any progress. And when I try to use things that aren’t the scale to see progress, like clothing, I have issues when I am bloating and none of my clothes fit. I wanted to have a breakdown the other day when everything in my closet was too small even though I know it shouldn’t be that way. But then a few days later the bloat went away and everything fit again.

I don’t think it is bad for my mental health to be in this challenge, but it can’t be great that I am currently focused so much on the challenge. If I just tried my best and wasn’t focused on numbers and food, I think I would be a lot happier. And now that I’m halfway done with this challenge, I think that’s exactly what I’m going to try to do. I will still track food like I have in the past because the way I track food isn’t numbers-based. And I’m still going to make my best efforts to do what I know I should be doing.

But at the same time, I’m not going to be tracking my weight anymore. I’m taking a vacation from the scale. This will only be a temporary vacation because I do like having the scale to help keep me accountable, but right now I don’t think it is the best thing for me. If I feel like I need to step on the scale to see what it says, I will do it. But I’m not going to obsess about weighing myself every day and tracking it. Eventually I will be tracking my weight again, but I think I want to start over with a fresh slate on weight tracking so I don’t see the recent fluctuations.

I really doubt this plan will help me win the transformation challenge, but that’s not really a focus of mine. The only time I thought I might win is when I was doing the cleanse at the same time as the challenge. That was awesome and I’m glad I did it, but I can’t put myself into that same obsessive mindset again. There are so many other things I need to focus on right now outside of this challenge and I need the mental freedom to do so. And if I happen to place in this challenge, that would be awesome. But I think I’ll be much happier assuming I won’t place and just seeing what I can do over these last 4 weeks.

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Default ThumbnailWeight Loss Challenge Time (or Not Worrying About Winning) Default ThumbnailIt’s Not Really A Transformation Challenge Fail (or Trying To Be Less Competitive With Myself) Default ThumbnailSkipping A Transformation Challenge (or This Was An Easy Choice For Me) Default ThumbnailStarting The Year With A Lot Of Transformation (or Who Will I Be By Next Year?) Default ThumbnailGetting Weighed In (or A New Orangetheory Challenge) Default ThumbnailEnding My Challenge Early (or I Guess I Made A Mistake)

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Fitness and Nutrition (or Reminding Myself Of The Basics)

Posted on February 6, 2018 | Comments Off on Fitness and Nutrition (or Reminding Myself Of The Basics)

About 2 months ago, I shared how I was invited to be a part of the Runner’s Fit and Fueled course. I was so excited to be starting my year off the right way and to learn more about proper nutrition when it comes to fitness. I have studied nutrition a lot (many people with eating disorders know a ton about nutrition and food) but I was worried about how I would do when my fitness level was likely lower than what the others in the group were at.

But now that the official course time is over, I can say that I had nothing to worry about! The others in our private Facebook group were very supportive and most of the focus was on nutrition and not fitness. That was a big relief because I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t do what was being taught because of my fitness level.

And I had every intention of doing this 4 week course exactly as it was set out and reading each of the lessons and watching the videos as soon as they came out. But of course, best intentions don’t always happen that way. Life took over and I wasn’t able to do the 4 week course when it was all released. I was feeling a bit frustrated because I wanted to do this as my first month of the year, but if I had done that I wouldn’t have been able to give it my full attention and I knew that I needed to do that.

Fortunately, this course wasn’t restricted to just the 4 weeks that it was happening. The Facebook group is still there and I can view any of the videos whenever I want. And I know that I will be wanting to go back to the videos a few times because I know that things will connect with me at different times. And I have all the handouts downloaded on my computer as well. And I have a feeling those handouts are going to be something I use for a while.

What I loved about the way this was taught was something I wasn’t expecting. Because this is a course for runners, there are days that are your hard run days and days that are your easy run days. And of course you also have rest days. And the nutrition was broken down into what to eat for each of those days to maximize what you are doing. For example, what to eat before and after a long run to help your body work at its most efficient. Or what to eat on a rest day to not mess up all the hard work that you put into things on the other days.

While I don’t necessarily have hard or easy run days, I do have days where I have a workout and days when I don’t. And I can look at workout days as hard days and days off as easy or rest days. Each of those types of days has sample meal plans to use with different options. And as someone who struggles with meal planning, this is an amazing resource for me! Some of the things in the meal plan are things I already eat, some are things I have eaten in the past and kind of forgotten about, and others are things I wouldn’t think of as a meal option. So I’ve been going through the meal plans and seeing the best way to implement them in my life.

While the plan has some elements of carb cycling, it’s not necessarily that. It’s more about eating what will make your body work the most efficient way possible and making sure that all your nutrition needs are met. There are so many diet ideas out right now and I’ve been checking out a few of them. But it’s been overwhelming. The Runner’s Fit and Fueled course seems to be more about the idea of getting back to good and wholesome foods and not fitting into a certain diet plan or hitting certain macros each day.

I know that I’m going to keep referring back to everything in this course for a while. While it may seem like basic nutritional information, for me it was almost a reminder that sometimes a meal plan doesn’t need to be something crazy or elaborate. It can just be filled with good options that will help you work out and keep you full. I don’t need to stress about getting into a certain mindset or tracking things like crazy. I just need to get back to basics and make sure that I pay attention to what my body is saying.

If you are interested in doing this course (and I recommend it for anyone who has a regular fitness routine), there will be another round starting on March 5th. I feel like this course really did help me get into a better mindset about what I want to do with food and how I feel about fueling myself. And I hope that if any of you are looking to learn more about nutrition and how it affects how you work out that you will sign up! And you can use the promo code BOMBSHELL to get $5 off!

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Default ThumbnailRunner’s Fit And Fueled Course (or Planning On Starting 2018 The Right Way) Default ThumbnailMy Fit Foods (or Looking At Some Post Cleanse Options) Default ThumbnailWhat Fitness Goals Are Next? (or Continuing To Impress Myself) Default Thumbnail3 Workouts In A Row (or Using Fitness To Beat A Cold) Default ThumbnailIt’s A Fitness Challenge (or Being Calm and Plank Time) Default ThumbnailActing Like A Duck (or Reminding Myself That Positivity Is Important)

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I Guess I Am Doing Some Cutting Back (or My Willpower Is Coming Back)

Posted on November 9, 2017 | Comments Off on I Guess I Am Doing Some Cutting Back (or My Willpower Is Coming Back)

I’ve been trying to work on getting my food back on track and it’s not going the way I was hoping. I want to get back to how things were last year but it seems like things are preventing me from doing that. Or at least that is the excuse I have been making to myself. I really want to work on this but it’s not easy and I know that the more frustrated I get about things the harder it will be.

Since this has been so difficult, I’ve wondered if I have lost the willpower I’ve had in the past. It’s never easy for me to have willpower and I know that it’s not something that I can get back easily. And of course, I know that willpower isn’t necessarily real, but it is nice when things are going easily for me and that I don’t have to think about food. I don’t think it will ever be easy for me and it’s been tough to understand that reality. But I think that knowing it is a step forward.

But while I’ve been in a bit of a funk about my lack of willpower about my food, I’ve realized that I haven’t totally lost my willpower. While I’m not a huge clothes shopper, I do like to shop and when I find things that fit and are a good price I usually get them. It’s not too often I find things that are right for me so I feel a need to get them if I do find them. I know that this is a problem and I’ve been trying to be better about not buying more stuff. I’m trying to go through my closet to see what I already own because I have rediscovered things that I forgot I owned. But there are still times that I can’t resist an amazing sale.

But yesterday I was looking at the Nordstrom Rack Clear The Rack sale online and found a bunch of things I’ve been thinking of getting in the sale. There are some dresses I’ve looked at that are down to almost $10 (they were $50 previously). I looked at a bunch of stuff and had a lot of tabs open with what I was thinking of buying. I was just trying to decide what I wanted and what I could skip on getting.

But the more I looked at what I was looking at, the less I wanted to get it. I have been wanting to get a lot of these things for months so I don’t know what changed. Maybe it was the money I didn’t want to spend (even though getting 6 things was going to only be about $60) or maybe I didn’t want to buy things until I lost more weight. But whatever the reason, I closed all the tabs with all the things I was looking at and didn’t buy anything.

It was a bit depressing for a minute thinking that I was no longer interested in things that I have been wanting for a while. But then I realized that not buying this stuff was a bit of willpower. Nothing I was looking at was something that I needed. It was all fun stuff that I liked but could live without. So by not getting them I was resisting spending money that I didn’t need to spend and getting clothes that I don’t need.

I know I’ve mentioned before that I wish my willpower could be transferred from one area of my life to another. I’m good at having willpower for things that aren’t too important, but when it comes to the big things it’s not always there. I don’t necessarily know how to find it again and it’s a mystery to me a lot when I do have it. But maybe being aware of having it in an area of my life that I’m not expecting it I can use that to try to find it where I need it.

I know that being on the right track with my food now is a tough thing. I have lots of things coming up that are going to make it easy to fall into bad habits that I’m trying to avoid. I have the holidays coming up and all the parties that happen this time of year. Again, I don’t want to use these as excuses, but I’m aware that allowing for things to not be as structured as I’d like will help in the long run. I don’t want to feel like I’ve screwed everything up and will try to start another time. I’m not putting off getting back on track because then I will never do it. But I need to find the balance I need to have in my life and the willpower that will help me not go off the rails like I have in the past.

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Posted in Food, Shopping, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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