Tag Archives: recovery

Just A Bad Day (or Focusing On Good)

Posted on April 8, 2016 | Comments Off on Just A Bad Day (or Focusing On Good)

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I really have no clue what started it. I was feeling fine when I went to bed the night before. I got a decent night sleep and didn’t have any issues waking up with my alarm. I didn’t even hit the snooze button a million times so I wasn’t groggy when I got out of bed. It really should have been a great day, but it wasn’t in the cards for me.

I usually don’t do errands outside the house before work, but I had to go to the grocery store to get a couple of things for meals the next couple of days. I think the first mistake was not eating anything before going to the store (it was 8am and I wasn’t hungry get). I bought a couple of things that I probably shouldn’t have gotten. And then I ate some of those things as my breakfast.

When I’ve eaten “bad” foods before, I sometimes feel off and a little sick. I have felt pretty sick on occasion, but that’s pretty rare and it usually doesn’t happen until that night or the next day. But this time, I was feeling sick about 10 minutes after I ate. I won’t get too graphic, but my body was basically rejecting what I had eaten.

This took me by surprise. Obviously, I don’t want to like the “bad” foods so feeling awful afterward was not the worst thing ever. But I don’t know why this time my body reacting so badly and so quickly. While I have been doing better with my food, it’s not a huge difference like it has been in the past. So I would expect that my body would have had worse reactions when I had been “good” for a week or more and then had a binge. But that wasn’t the case this time and I think this was the worst I ever felt.

I felt pretty bad all day long, but the worst was over before my work shift started. I was feeling pretty low and depressed all morning. There was no reason why I had a binge and it made it mad that I had done it. I wish that I had more control, and I’m getting there. But yesterday was just out of my control in the morning and my body (and mind) was paying for it.

Instead of focusing on how badly I felt, I tried to find some positive motivation online to get me into a better mindset. I found a bunch of sayings that I liked and since I couldn’t pick just one I made a collage of them.

Motivation

The most difficult part of recovery for me really isn’t the recovery part of it. It’s getting over setbacks and relapses quickly. It’s so easy to think that you just ruined everything and you might as well wait until Monday/next month/next year to start over. I’m happy to say that after my bad morning I was back on track for lunch and dinner. I wasn’t feeling hungry for either meal, but I made myself eat because I knew if I didn’t that I would get very hungry either late at night or by breakfast today and that’s when I make some of my worst choices. So I ate small healthy meals for both lunch and dinner. I know I’m still over my calories for the day because my morning was so bad, but at least I’m a bit more on track now.

Even though I got back on track by my next meal, my morning did affect how I was feeling the entire day. Part of it was the physical sickness which was a reminder of what I did. But despite my best efforts I was still thinking about what I had done and was mad at myself.

I’m hoping that today will be a better day and maybe I learned something from this (and will handle it better if/when it happens again). All these little lessons will one day build up to help me be in recovery and I just need to keep reminding myself that baby steps are better than no steps at all.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Set Back (or Why Can’t I Just Learn My Lesson) Default ThumbnailCounting Every Calorie (or Seeing Things In Black and White) Default ThumbnailYup, I’m Sick (or Trying To Take Care Of Me) Default ThumbnailHaving Bad Days (or Did I Make Myself Sick) Default ThumbnailWith The Good Comes The Bad (or My Vyvanse-Free Weekend) Default ThumbnailAnother Attempt At A Reset (or Feeling Sick Got Me Into A Bad Routine)

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A Year On Vyvanse (or Help Is Expensive)

Posted on March 22, 2016 | 2 comments

I’ve been taking Vyvanse for just about a year now. It’s crazy to think that a year ago I started my journey with this medication and my therapist. And while I’m still struggling, I’ve made some significant progress over the past year.

When I started Vyvanse, I had so many hopes that this would make all my binge feelings go away and I would be “normal”. And for the first few days that was exactly what it felt like. But then my body adjusted to the medication and while it does help quite a bit, it’s not the miracle drug that I secretly hoped it would be. Over the past year, we’ve adjusted my medication a few times. I started at 20mg a day and right now I’m at 50mg a day (30mg in the morning and 20mg at lunchtime). There is a chance that things will be adjusted again when I see my doctor in a couple of months, but for now I’m happy where I am.

While I’m so grateful that I was approved to be on this medication, I know how lucky I am. Not everyone does get approved even if they have a history of binge eating disorder. I think you need to prove to the doctor that you are working on things yourself and not expecting the medicine to do all the work for you (similar to getting approved for weight loss surgery). I think the fact that I was doing a regular workout routine helped show my doctor that I am working toward a healthy lifestyle and one of the things holding me back from achieving what I want is my eating disorder.

I’m also grateful that my parents have been willing to help me with the expenses related to the medication. I do have health insurance (which got so much cheaper after the Affordable Care Act since I have so many pre-existing conditions), but I still have to pay for prescriptions. My medication co-pay is $50 a month. And I have to pay that for 2 different strengths of Vyvanse, so each month costs $100. And on top of that, I have a deductible for my prescriptions. Thankfully, I maxed when I refilled 1 strength of Vyvanse the other day. But it still made it extremely expensive ($250 for the deductible and another $150 for the prescription). It will be just the co-pay for the rest of the year, but $100 a month for a medication that isn’t required for my health is something to really think about.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor when I see him in a few months about either going back down to 2 20mg pills a day or up to 2 30mg pills a day. That way, I only have 1 prescription per day and it will be half the price I have now. Money isn’t the best reason to ask for a prescription to be changed, but I at least want to bring up the concern to my doctor.

Outside of the help that I’ve gotten from the medication, there have been so many positive steps I’ve made in the past year toward my recovery. Before, my recovery was a passive effort. I tried, but I wasn’t trying that hard. Now, I have changed how I track my food. Not having to see the calories has allowed me to have 100% accurate food tracking with no stress. I’ve been listening to podcasts about recovery and reading books to help me. These are things that I should have done years ago but haven’t. While the books I’ve got aren’t free, I wait until they are on sale to buy them. And of course, the podcasts are free to that saves some money.

It’s sad that for me to get help it costs as much as it does. But I’m spending a lot less than many people do. For people who don’t have prescription coverage (or as good of coverage as I do), Vyvanse can cost significantly more than what I’m spending. I’m lucky that my appointments with my doctor only require my co-pay and nothing extra. And I’m not in an in-patient facility (which can be thousands of dollars a day). It’s not making my money issues worse because my parents are helping, but that’s also a lucky break I have. I wish that more things were available and free (or cheap) to help with recovery from a binge eating disorder. I feel in the next few years that maybe there will be more offerings as more people are diagnosed or aware of this eating disorder.

For now, I’m happy where I am a year into this new plan and hopefully the next year will bring even more progress toward recovery and hopefully an idea of how to maintain the progress I have made so far.

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Default ThumbnailMoving Forward With Therapy (or Educating Myself) Default Thumbnail1 Week On Vyvanse (or Hoping To Answer Some Questions) Default ThumbnailOver A Month On Vyvanse (or A Meeting With My Therapist) Default ThumbnailFollowing My Doctor’s Instructions (or Days Off From Vyvanse) Default ThumbnailWith The Good Comes The Bad (or My Vyvanse-Free Weekend) Default ThumbnailA Quick Vyvanse Update (or I Guess Forgetting Helps Time Pass)

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Being As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward)

Posted on February 11, 2016 | Comments Off on Being As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward)

I’m pretty open about my life on here. I try not to hide things from all of you and I don’t see the point in doing that (unless I’m waiting to share news for a specific reason). I’ve spent so long not being honest with myself to others (and to myself) that I don’t want to lie or share half-truths if I can avoid it. There’s just no reason to do that and I’m glad that I’ve found an outlet that I feel safe sharing on.

And I’ve been pretty open to my friends and family since being honest on here. Obviously, anyone who reads this blog knows about my eating disorder. And while some family and friends knew about it before I shared (or had guessed that I had it), not everyone did. But now that they do, we can talk about things without fear if we want to. Not everyone does want to talk about it, but I’m glad that people feel ok discussing things with me. I’ve been pretty open with my parents (I usually call them after seeing my therapist so I can update them on my medication dosage or what he has to say about my progress). And I’m glad that no matter if I want to share what’s going on or not, nobody has issues with it. There’s no question in my mind that since being open and honest that recovery is something that is a real possibility. When I was hiding things, there was no way that I could get the help that I needed or realize how deep into things I was. But now, I recognize my good moments and bad moments and have hope that the good will outweigh the bad in the future.

But I’ve become more open and honest outside of the blog lately. I’m sharing more on Facebook (not everyone I’m friends with on Facebook reads the blog). I’m commenting on posts I see about binge eating disorder and trying to answer some of the questions that some people have about it (or defending it when people claim it isn’t real and it’s an excuse people make for their weight issues). I’m even sharing my story on other blogs I write on.

So far, I’ve gotten a very positive response to my honesty and people have been very cool with what I’ve had to say. I used to think that people would see me as weak if I shared my issues with them, and I’m happy that I was totally wrong about it. Some people consider it strong to be honest, but to me I had to be honest for myself and not for others. But even random people who I end up sharing this news with have seemed to be interested in hearing my experience and my story.

But despite pretty much having a positive response, there have been some negative responses that makes me question if I should hide or lie about my eating disorder. I was sharing with someone about how much I love working out at Orangetheory and I had mentioned how much I love the heart rate monitors we wear. I have to be careful with my heart rate because of Vyvanse and wearing a heart rate monitor is the perfect way to make sure my heart rate isn’t getting too high (I can usually feel when it does, but it’s nice to have a backup too). The person I was talking to asked me why I like the heart rate monitors and I mentioned that I take medication that elevates my heart rate and I have to be careful. They asked what medication it was and I told them. Then they asked what it’s for and I told them.

Obviously, I could have kept this all private (and it could be seen as prying but I was fine answering things). And once I shared I have an eating disorder, this person got super weird and started to look at me like I was crazy. They asked the questions and I answered them, but it seemed like after saying my answers they regretted asking.

I know that it’s not my place to make people feel comfortable about my eating disorder (or anything for that matter). And if someone is going to ask me something about it I’m going to answer with as much truth as I can. If that makes them feel bad or awkward it is their problem and not mine. But it still made me question for a second if I was being too open about myself when I got that reaction from that person. It put doubt in my mind that I should be sharing what battles I’m facing.

I’m aware that this was all in my head and that I don’t need to change. I have tons of friends who are brave and honest about their depression, suicide attempts, eating disorders, alcoholism, and other addictions. Knowing the truth about them only makes me feel closer to them, so me sharing the truth hopefully does the same for them. But that self-doubt part of my brain is loud and sometimes I need to tell it to be quiet so I can move on and keep making progress the best way I can.

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Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailPutting Myself Out There (or No Time For Fakery) Default ThumbnailPeople Don’t Get It (or My Comment On The Dear Fat People Video) Default ThumbnailThis Month Hasn’t Quite Gone The Way I Thought It Would (or Just Being Honest) Default ThumbnailWhat Will Be Sobriety (or A Friend Making Me Think About What I Want) Default ThumbnailFeeling So Much Love (or Embarrassed By People Complimenting Me)

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Moving Forward With Therapy (or Educating Myself)

Posted on December 24, 2015 | Comments Off on Moving Forward With Therapy (or Educating Myself)

I saw my therapist the other day. It had been a while since I had seen him and there were several things I wanted to discuss with him. First, I wanted to make sure that none of the pain that I’ve been dealing with lately have to do with my medication (they don’t). I also wanted to show off the happiness checklist that I had worked on since our last session. I think that he’s still shocked that I am keeping this up, but he’s encouraging me to keep going.

The main thing we discussed of course was my experience so far on Vyvanse. It’s a mixed feeling for me. I feel that it is making a little bit of difference, but it’s not as much difference as I would like or expected. And while I do have prescription coverage on my health insurance, it’s not cheap to be on daily medication. The main thing I told my therapist is that I don’t feel like I’m ready to give up on it yet, but I’m still torn on my feelings. He knows my hesitation with upping the dosage because there’s only so much you can take in a day, but his recommendation was to increase the dosage a little.

Before, I was taking 20mg twice a day (morning and lunchtime). Now, I’ll be taking 30mg in the morning and 20mg at lunchtime. So far, it’s going really well. But that’s how it is every time I start a new dose. My body loves the feeling of it because it’s an increase, but I can’t keep increasing it forever. I’m hoping that this dose will continue to work past those first few days, but I’ll have to wait and see what happens. I am having other positive side effects from the medicine, so that’s good. My panic/anxiety disorder has gotten much better and more manageable (the opposite of what usually happens on Vyvanse). I also have more focus and can concentrate on work without being distracted as easily.

The other thing I discussed with my therapist is that I’m really working on taking a more active approach to battling my eating disorder. I don’t think I’ve really been passive, but there is so much more that I can do and I’m going to make an effort at it. I’ve downloaded some apps that are designed for people with eating disorders to be able to focus on the disorder and keep things objective and not subjective. Part of these apps is a reminder to eat. While you’d think that I wouldn’t need a reminder to eat, forgetting to eat is a big part of my problem. It’s mainly lunch that I forget and by the time I remember I’m starving and want to eat everything in sight. So having a reminder to eat is helpful.

I’ve also started listening to a podcast about binge eating disorders. I’ve only listed to a few episodes so far, but I’m really enjoying it. While some of the stories aren’t exactly stories that I can relate to, it’s helpful to hear what other people have done that may or may not have worked. It gives me ideas of things to try to help myself.

I’ve also gotten a couple of books about binge eating disorder to read. I’ve had some of them for a while but never felt motivated to read them (I only felt motivated when I bought them). So I’m starting with “Brain Over Binge”. I’ve heard lots of good things about this book, so I’m hoping that it will help me a bit.

With all these new things that I’m doing to work on my eating disorder, my therapist has decided that unless I feel like I need to see him sooner I don’t need to be back for six months. This is definitely a big step and even though I know that I can see him sooner if I need to, I’m hoping that I can make it through six months on my own and feeling ok about things. I’ve already scheduled my appointment for six months from now so I don’t accidentally schedule something else that day. And I’m going to be continuing my with happiness checklist so I’ll have six months of tracking to bring to my next appointment.

I have no idea if after six months I’ll continue with the Vyvanse, but I have to say that I feel more positive and that getting my eating disorder under control is closer to me now than it ever has been.

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Default ThumbnailAn Easy Therapist Check-In (or Virtual Appointments Make Things Easier) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapist Check In (or Showing Off My Happiness Checklist) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress) Default ThumbnailFirst Weekend Of Freedom (or Looking Back Before Moving Forward) Default ThumbnailA Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In) Default ThumbnailIn Person Therapy (or Changing Some Things Up)

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Recovering From A Bad Day (or Making Sure I Fill In My Checklist)

Posted on August 5, 2015 | Comments Off on Recovering From A Bad Day (or Making Sure I Fill In My Checklist)

After my bad day, I knew that I would have to wake up the next morning with a better attitude. I didn’t want a bad day to turn into a bad week. In the past, I would just try to do random stuff to cheer me up. But now, I have a record of things that make me happy.

So my Monday was focused on my checklist and seeing what I could get done. I have never gotten all 10 items in a single day, nor do I think that that is really possible, but I wanted to get a bunch off.

My day started with a workout. Even though workouts aren’t my favorite thing in the world, that is a great start to a day. Between the workout and marching in place while watching tv, I managed to get my 10,000 steps in for the day.

After my workout, I had some time to kill at my house. I wrote a blog post for one of the blogs I freelance on. Since it was so hot in my house I took advantage of the speech to text feature on my phone and wrote the post in bed in front of a fan. So that was much better than typing at a hot computer (this post is typed at my computer, but I’m going to start taking advantage of the speech to text feature more often!). Getting blog work done always makes me happy because I’m always stressed about what I will write about. Fortunately I had some inspiration for that article.

After writing I read for a long while. I just finished one book and had fun choosing what I would read next. So of course I got sucked into my book and read probably longer than I should have.

My evening ended with meeting up with a friend and going to see “Ant Man”. We had been meaning to see it for a while, and we finally both had some time free. I go see comic book movies with this friend because he knows everything about the comic book world and was able to explain things I didn’t get after the movie. I really enjoyed the movie, even more than I expected! The only thing that bugged me was I knew that I knew the actor who played the bad guy from somewhere. I didn’t want to be an annoying theater patron so I didn’t try to slyly look it up on my phone. As soon as the credits came up, I looked and realized I knew him from a Lifetime movie! Super random.

Overall, it was a pretty great day. I checked 7 things off of my happiness checklist which I think is pretty amazing. And I really got out of my bad day funk. Things from that day are getting better. My schedule is back on track, I’m sleeping better, and the new chain for my necklace should be delivered in a day or two.

I guess you really do have to just accept sometimes that a day might suck but know that the next one doesn’t have to.

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Default ThumbnailWorking On Self Care (or Going Back To My Checklist) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapist Check In (or Showing Off My Happiness Checklist) Default ThumbnailChecking In With Myself (or I Need To Find New Things That Make Me Happy) Default ThumbnailUpdate On My Checklist (or Working On Being Happy) Default ThumbnailJust A Little Bit More Reflection (or Evaluating My Happiness Checklist) Default ThumbnailRecovering At Disneyland (or A Never-Done List)

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Back To Back Workouts (or It’s Hell Week)

Posted on November 3, 2014 | 3 comments

This past week, my workouts challenged me in more ways than one. But they were all awesome challenges!

First challenge was when I worked out. I’ve been doing Monday, Wednesday, and Friday pretty much every week since I started at Orangetheory. I have done an occasional Saturday instead of Friday when there was a conflict. But I’ve never worked out 2 days in a row.

That is, until this past week. I didn’t want to work out on Friday evening because I had Halloween plans. And the only morning class that would have worked for me would have been around 6am (too early!). Saturday wasn’t an option either because I had other plans. So I decided to try doing Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I was really scared to not have a rest day between my workouts, but it actually worked out pretty well (I did take painkillers prior to working out just in case). It worked so well that I’m planning on repeating that schedule this week. I have a 5K on Saturday morning and I don’t think a workout on Friday afternoon/evening would be the best plan for me.

The second challenge I encountered this past week was the fact that Orangetheory (in all locations around the country) make the week leading up to Halloween Hell Week. So all the workouts were extra tough and had a specific focus. There was also a prize if you did all 5 Hell Week workouts, but I knew I couldn’t do that.

Monday’s Hell Week workout was all about burpees and rowing. First, I had 28 minutes of various burpees and short sprints on the treadmill. After the first round of burpees, my body decided that it was not happy. Getting my feet near my hands to get back up from the burpees is extremely tough for me (and something that I’m working on getting better at). So I ended up doing modified burpees by using the weight bench to put my hands on (instead of having them on the ground). After that, it was 28 minutes on the rowing machine! I’ve never done more than a few minutes of rowing at a time, so trying to go 28 minutes with minimum breaks was very tough and my legs felt very wobbly afterward. But I did manage to row over 3300 meters in that time.

After my Monday workout, I was so proud of myself that I did a quick post-workout selfie.

IMG_3941

I’m still not seeing changes in myself, but others are seeing it so I have to trust them.

Wednesday’s theme was Leg Day. It was not as bad as Monday, but it was still another killer workout full of squats (I must have done close to 1000 squats in the workout) and I thought that I wouldn’t be able to sit down and get back up afterward. Thankfully, the painkillers that I took before and after my workout helped a lot and allowed me to recovery easily.

Thursday was a Hill Day. I was seriously dreading this workout because I thought that it would be hills on the treadmill without breaks. And the incline on the treadmill is one of those things that really irritates my hip. But I was very happy to see that the hill workout was being done in sprints. Everything was in 1 minute increments. 1 minute at 15% incline and then some squats, then 1 minute at 14% incline and more squats, and so on. I made it down to 9% incline within the workout. The second half of Hill Day was all about using the TRX straps and rowing.

After I was done with my 3 workouts, I was exhausted. I had pretty high calorie burns for all my workouts and for 2 of them, I spent more time in the Orange Zone (the zone that helps you burn calories after the workout) than in the Green Zone (the standard fat burning zone). That was an awesome accomplishment and helped me realize that I really have come a long way since I started.

This week is back to more “regular” workouts but I know that they will still be tough. And this weekend will be my first 5K since I started at Orangetheory and I’m excited to see what this training translates to on race day!

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Default ThumbnailSurviving Hell Week (or I’m A Liar) Default ThumbnailChecking Things Off The List (or 4 Workouts In 1 Week) Default ThumbnailRecovery and Preparation (or Back To A 3 Workout Week) Default ThumbnailSecond Week Of My Orangetheory Challenge (or I Guess I’m Tougher Than I Thought I Was) Default ThumbnailBack To 4 Workouts (or More Rowing!) Default ThumbnailGetting Closer To The Leaderboard (or I’m Almost In The Top 5)

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Posted in Celebrations, Fitness, Fun Stuff, Health, Weight Loss

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7 Years (or Time Really Does Fly By)

Posted on July 8, 2013 | Comments Off on 7 Years (or Time Really Does Fly By)

Yesterday marked an anniversary for me. It had been 7 years since my hip surgery. I can’t believe it’s been that long!

The hip surgery had marked the end of a pretty long ordeal for me. Things started in September of 2005. I had collapsed in the Portland airport and had trouble walking. After that, I was misdiagnosed for several months. Finally, I got my proper diagnosis and had my surgery.

I can remember that day like it was yesterday. The nurse in pre-op hated me because I wanted my mom to be in pre-op with me with they put the IV in (I knew I had a high probability of fainting). I also remember having to sign my leg in pre-op to show that they had the correct leg to operate on. And I remember joking to a friend afterwards how I thought it was funny that I had to take a pre-surgery pregnancy test (it was negative, of course).

This had been my first surgery as an adult, so I was worried how I would react to the anesthesia. Turns out, I wake up very quickly and very lucid after surgery. In my surgery, they put my right foot in a boot to keep things stable. When I woke up, my foot was still in the boot and I asked my surgeon if they had screwed up my pedicure in the surgery (they didn’t).

Recovery was not as horrible as I thought it would be. I had been in so much pain before that I was so happy with the minimal pain I felt after. I’ve since discovered that I have a new type of pain, but again, it is significantly less than what I felt before.

I remember in one of my post-op appointments (after my surgeon discovered that I have the same defect in my left hip), that it was expected that my other hip would have to be corrected within 5 years. I’m pretty damn proud of myself that I’ve made it this long without needing surgery.

Even though my surgery wasn’t necessarily fun, I look back at it with happy memories. Both my mom and dad came to LA to take care of me (my dad took some of the only sick days he ever used in his 30+ years at his job to help me). While I was recovering, my mom and I went to Warner Bros. to take a tour (I used to be a tour guide there). And we took some fun pictures that I still love to look at.

File0031 IMGP0211_1

I still am in shock how many years ago the surgery was. It really feels like it was only maybe a year ago. And hopefully it will still be many more years before I have my other hip done.

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Default ThumbnailTen Years Ago (or Another Big Milestone) Default Thumbnail10 Years Later (or A Good Memory and A Bad Memory) Default ThumbnailMore Hip Problems (or Thinking Out Of Order) Default ThumbnailHip Surgery Anniversary (or This Feels Like A Milestone) Default ThumbnailMy Hips Ruined Part Of My Weekend (or Maybe I Should Pay Attention To The Weather) Default ThumbnailMy LA Anniversary! (or 13 Years Have Gone By Quickly)

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