Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Keeping My Calm (or So Much At Once)

Posted on July 30, 2021 | Comments Off on Keeping My Calm (or So Much At Once)

Even though I just have posted about new job stuff and how I will be working more hours, this post has nothing to do with that even if it seems so. I actually haven’t made any changes just yet, so it’s probably better that I’m having this happen before it does.

I have a problem with being overscheduled, busy, and stressed and then swinging hard in the other direction and being bored. And right now, I’m in a time of being busy. And it’s just the way that everything happened to fall and not something I could have prepared for. I’m trying to stay calm and remember that I don’t have to do everything myself and it’s ok to ask for help. But it’s hard to do that when I want to feel capable and not held back.

Work stuff has been crazy lately, but that might actually be easier when I’m working more hours. I try to clear all the work before my shift ends, and soon I will have twice the time to accomplish that. I don’t want to rush because that’s where mistakes can be made, but I always feel bad if there are things I didn’t get a chance to take care of when my shift ends and someone else’s begins. And I’m aware that I take on a lot more of the work because I handle all the overnight stuff, but I still don’t want the person doing the second half of the day to have anything left when we switch even though they have said it’s ok if that happens.

At my other customer service job, things have been crazy just because that’s how this time of the year goes. We also are almost fully open with about half the staff. So that’s tough for us all and I only am working minimal hours there. So I know I’m lucky but at the same time I still want to get everything done since I am not the person in the morning and don’t want the others to have to do work I couldn’t get to.

And I’m in the middle of election season for my union. This is stressful to go through but so rewarding. And in the past I had a bit more free time to work on things. There’s also the added change with not doing anything in person and having much more done online, which makes my job a bit more than in the past. But I’m working on my time management as much as I can so I have the time to do all my responsibilities or realize early enough that I need help so someone else can jump in.

And I’m sure the fact that it’s been very hot here recently and I’m pretty isolated in my house isn’t helping. I’m not going out and being social outside of my workouts and the rare hangout with a friend. I know I need to take mental health breaks, even if they are just something inside my house. I need to make sure I don’t hit burnout because I know that it will affect me harder than normal when I don’t have ways to mentally escape.

I know that this is temporary and I will likely be feeling bored again. But until that happens, I just have to take care of myself and make sure that these extreme moments don’t become too hard for me to get through.

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Default ThumbnailTrying To Go With The Flow (or Staying Calm And Remembering To Breathe) Default ThumbnailBack To Normal (or Catching Up On Life) Default ThumbnailMissing Out On Some Fun (or Flexible Time Management) Default ThumbnailProductive One Way And Slacking In Another (or Working On Finding Time) Default ThumbnailFiguring Out My Pain (or Staying Calm While Stressing Out) Default ThumbnailStaying Calm In The Crazy (or Is This Month Over Yet?)

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Posted in Acting, Tough Stuff, Work

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Making And Cancelling Plans (or I Know We Are All Trying To Stay Safe)

Posted on July 23, 2021 | Comments Off on Making And Cancelling Plans (or I Know We Are All Trying To Stay Safe)

It’s been a very slow transition back for me, but I’ve slowly been trying to make plans. Some things are not very soon, so I’ve been feeling ok about having plans that aren’t for another month or two. I know that there has been discussion about the fall being worse, but maybe the increase of cases now will get more people vaccinated so the fall won’t have another surge. But nobody can predict what will happen. I honestly thought we wouldn’t have a surge like we are having now. But it only took a few weeks and things are now what they were like when things were much more restrictive all over California. So even when I’ve been making plans lately, they are being made with the assumption that they might have to be canceled.

And that’s exactly what’s happening right now. I had plans for tonight, but those have been postponed since we want to not have to worry as much about if anyone feels unsafe. It’s unfortunate, but I have been starting to think more and more about what risks I would be willing to take. I know that breakthrough cases are rare and when they happen they tend to be mild, but it’s not a guarantee. That can change and breakthrough cases could get worse. And I’ve worked hard for over a year to not get sick and stay healthy. As much as I’m ready for regular life again, it’s not regular times yet and we can’t forget that things aren’t great right now.

And with plans I have coming up being canceled, it’s making me wonder about my birthday this year. It’s coming up and I originally wanted to have some sort of gathering since I miss my friends. I wasn’t going to plan anything too crazy, but maybe a hangout somewhere so people could come and go. And I know I could do something in a park or another public place, but I’m starting to lose a little motivation to plan something this year. It feels weird to be celebrating when it doesn’t feel like a very celebratory time. The 4th of July was different because things were still looking good. Now, I don’t feel the same hope and joy that I felt only a few weeks ago. I’ll still do a few of my usual traditions, but they might be slightly different as they were last year. But right now, I’m really hesitant to plan for much more than that.

I’m not planning for total isolation again and I’m going to have some social time since (at least for now) I’m still able to go to my workout classes. But I’m also not really making the same plans I was trying to make earlier this month. I still have done very few things with friends, but I was at least trying to figure out what we could go do. Now, I feel more like I want to wait and see and make sure I’m not taking risks that seem like just too much right now.

And I know there is no way to predict if things are going to be getting better or worse now, but it’s hard not to fear it will be getting worse. I just have to be hopeful that something will change, people will get vaccinated, and we can really get back to normal and having normal plans again. I know it will happen eventually, but I hope that eventually doesn’t take that much longer. And while we are waiting, I will just have to keep evaluating things and hope that I find enough things that feel safe and allow me to see the people that I’ve missed for way too long.

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Default ThumbnailA Phone Call Can Change My Future (or Making Plans) Default ThumbnailAn Unexpected Family Visit (or Making Plans, Canceling Them, And Making Plans Again) Default ThumbnailEnjoying A Mini-Splurge (or Sometimes The Best Plans Are The Simplest Plans) Default ThumbnailWhat I Do To Stay Safe (or This Conversation Needs To Change) Default ThumbnailGetting Another COVID Test (or Making Sure I’m Safe To See My Family) Default ThumbnailThoughts About The Reopening (or Feeling Safe And Scared At Once)

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It’s Nice When Things Turn Around (or Having A Better Day Helps So Much)

Posted on July 22, 2021 | Comments Off on It’s Nice When Things Turn Around (or Having A Better Day Helps So Much)

With having such a horrible day earlier this week, I was prepared for having some tough days the rest of this week. And things haven’t gotten completely better and I’m still struggling a bit, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was. And while I would love for things to be perfect and amazing, that’s not realistic. So I’m happy with the few changes that have happened in only a day or two.

I’m still dealing a lot with the heat and all the issues that I have from that. But I’ve been focusing on staying as hydrated as I can since I know that can help when I feel overheated. I do still have to be careful because I can drink too much water, but I know I can be ok drinking a little bit more than normal since I’m also sweating more than normal. And while my a/c unit isn’t perfect, I know it makes a huge difference and if I feel really sick from the heat I can take a little break and stand right in front of it. Again, it’s not perfect but it helps and makes me feel better for a while.

I’m also still dealing with pain and nausea, but the first few days of the week were the worst and now things are getting easier each day. My medications are helping a lot and that’s a huge relief. I also know I’m past the halfway point of what is usually the length of time I deal with this. And knowing I’m almost done makes the really tough moments easier because I know I’m almost done. And while I would have loved to have things to distract me so I wouldn’t always focus on how I feel, I’m glad I had nowhere to go because I spent a lot of time laying on my couch or bed just trying to feel better. And I had the ability to do that after work and not miss out on things I was looking forward to.

And even though this wasn’t something that was upsetting me earlier this week, I did get my new contract for my job sent to me. I knew it was coming, even if it was only for 6 months and not a year (hopefully the extension will come soon). But waiting still made me nervous and afraid that I would hear that something happened and they couldn’t offer me a contract. But I have it now, it’s all signed and done, and I know how many hours I’ll have for the rest of the year. It’s close to what I thought it would be and I’ll be doing some training on my new tasks next week so I can start doing that and not just the social media work I’ve been doing the past few weeks.

But honestly, I think one of the things that helped me get over my bad day was to allow myself to have a bad day. I didn’t pretend that things were fine and if I ignored it that I would believe it. I allowed myself to be upset and do what I needed to do to get through the day. Laying in bed isn’t the best way to spend my time, but it’s what I needed to do. I didn’t stress too much about anything I didn’t have to do. And just getting through the day was helpful and didn’t make me feel bad about what I was able to do or not do that day.

Even though I’m not totally better now, I think the little improvements I’ve had are helping me feel better. I still have things to deal with and push through, but they are more tolerable now. And having one or two horrible days and then being almost better is a nicer situation than to have a week of somewhat bad days before things turning around. And I’m grateful that this time they were horrible days but they were over quickly.

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Default ThumbnailAccepting Some Help (or Hope This Helps The Pain) Default ThumbnailJust A Day Can Turn Things Around (or Things Are Getting Better) Default ThumbnailHaving A Busier Routine Is Nice (or This Feels Even More Like Normal) Default ThumbnailFeeling Like I’m Catching Up (or A Month With Vertigo) Default ThumbnailTrying A New Recipe (or I Forgot How Nice It Is To Bake From Scratch) Default ThumbnailI Guess This Makes Me Feel A Bit Better (or A Physical Explanation For My Emotional Symptoms)

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It’s Another Short Post Type Of Week (or Sorry About This)

Posted on July 21, 2021 | Comments Off on It’s Another Short Post Type Of Week (or Sorry About This)

I wish I had an amazing post to share today, but I’m really not doing so great right now. My mental health is fine, so that’s good. Although I guess exhaustion can count against mental health. But for physical health, I’m having a hard time.

It’s like right now everything is working against me. It’s very hot here in LA, so I’m dealing with those issues and I’m trying to stay as cool as I can. It’s oddly humid here, which we aren’t used to and makes the heat worse. But I think it’s also affecting my hip because I’ve been in a lot of hip pain lately. And I’m dealing with my monthly pain and nausea. And while it wasn’t so bad last week when I thought it might be, this week has been brutal. My medications don’t seem to want to work right now. The pain is maybe dulled a bit, but I still have horrible cramps that stop me in my tracks. And the nausea is always tough to push through. It’s a general feeling of seasickness all the time and I don’t get relief even if I do get sick. And because of the nausea, I’m not sleeping much. I wake up a lot in the middle of the night afraid I’m about to get sick. And it takes me forever to get back to sleep.

Even though I try to go to bed early, I’m averaging under 2 hours of sleep when I’m in bed for 6 1/2 hours. I’m not doing much else besides work and dealing with how I’m feeling because I don’t feel the need to take more on. I can’t avoid all responsibilities, so I limit them where I can.

So as much as I’d love to have a nice and well-thought-out post on here, right now I just want to share how I’m feeling and then go lay down since I’m done with work for the day (I’m writing this on Tuesday).

Hopefully, this is the peak of it all and I start getting better tomorrow.

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Default ThumbnailSorry For A Short Post (or Hopefully I Feel Better Soon) Default ThumbnailI Didn’t Think I Was This Sick (or This Will Be A Short Post) Default ThumbnailJust Dragging On (or Another Apology For Another Short Post) Default ThumbnailSorry For A Quick Post (or Going Through A Tough Day) Default ThumbnailI Guess This Makes Me Feel A Bit Better (or A Physical Explanation For My Emotional Symptoms) Default ThumbnailAnother Sick Day Post (or Sorry For Two In A Row)

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More Heatwave Annoyances (or I Hate That This Seems To Always Surprise Me)

Posted on June 18, 2021 | Comments Off on More Heatwave Annoyances (or I Hate That This Seems To Always Surprise Me)

I have written multiple posts about being annoyed with the heat. It used to be much worse in my house when I didn’t have my window a/c unit. Back then, I was getting very sick from the heat and I didn’t have a great way to escape it other than to be in my car. With my a/c, it’s not perfect in my house, but it’s significantly better. And considering how many hours a day I am in my house at my computer, I’m so grateful that I can make it tolerable in my house. But since it is still warm, I do still deal with the side effect of the heat.

This shouldn’t be a surprise to me. I’ve been experiencing this for as long as I can remember. But it always does shock me when it’s hot out and my body is having weird reactions. And right now, we are in a big heatwave and my body reacted immediately.

I’m so much more irritated right now than I normally am. The heat makes it hard for me to sleep and I know that I’m also less hydrated than normal (but I’m not really dehydrated since I drink so much water every day). I also just feel uncomfortable in general between the air feeling heavy and feeling a bit gross because I get sweaty. And the worst side effect from the heat is having my body swell up. I know others have it worse than I do and I’m lucky that most of my swelling isn’t extreme. But it’s so frustrating and annoying when the swelling makes it so my clothes either don’t fit or don’t fit the way I am used to.

I think the swelling also probably adds to my irritation, but overall the swelling is the reaction or side effect I hate the most. I hate the feeling like I’ve gained weight overnight without knowing when it might be better (unlike PMS swelling which is somewhat predictable). It really messes with my mind and puts me in a really negative headspace with recovery efforts. I feel like I’ve screwed up somehow and that all the efforts I’ve made so far are worthless. I know in reality that isn’t true, but it’s hard to convince myself of that sometimes.

I don’t think there is much I can do about the swelling. Even if I had a better a/c unit, I think whenever I would leave my house I would experience it. I am looking at maybe getting a little fan or a mini a/c unit to put on my desk because that might help to make me a little more comfortable while I’m working. I also have cooling towels that I could put on me while I work if I need to. But I don’t think it will do much more than provide comfort. For the other issues, I just have to wait until it cools down a bit.

And I know it will cool down eventually and hopefully things will be a bit easier on me for a bit before the next heatwave. And I’m sure there will be at least one more big heatwave this summer since summer has only begun. Hopefully, at the next heatwave, I won’t be as surprised when this all happens to me or I have a better way to manage it and react.

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Default ThumbnailHeat Wave In LA (or Another Post About The Heat) Default ThumbnailI Hate Complaining About The Heat (or Can It Be Fall Now?) Default ThumbnailAnother Post About The Heat (or I’m Not Getting As Upset This Time) Default ThumbnailDealing With Heat And Humidity (or I’m Very Lucky The Pandemic Didn’t Happen A Few Years Ago) Default ThumbnailHeat and Hormones (or Not Letting Cravings Take Over) Default ThumbnailHating The Heat (or Again, My Body Is Lying)

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Really Tired of Feeling Awful (or For Some Reason This Month Is The Worst)

Posted on May 28, 2021 | Comments Off on Really Tired of Feeling Awful (or For Some Reason This Month Is The Worst)

I write about having monthly pain and nausea on here all the time. It’s an unfortunate and annoying occurrence in my life that I deal with every single month. Sometimes I will have a better month, but I haven’t had a month without dealing with this since I had to stop taking continuous birth control. And while I have medications and other things to make me feel better, sometimes it’s just not enough. And this month, it’s one of those months where things just aren’t getting better.

Most months, I deal with this for about 10 days. Sometimes it’s a little less because I feel almost normal earlier than I expect. When I first got off the pill, it would occasionally last for 2 weeks, but that rarely happened and almost never happens now. But of course, this month looks like it may be a month I have pain and nausea for at least 2 weeks.

I’m still in the middle of things, so there is a chance it will get better sooner. But honestly, I’ve been pretty miserable since the middle of last week. The pain can be unbearable at times, even with being on constant painkillers. The nausea isn’t as unbearable, but it is more annoying because I never can tell if I will end up throwing up or not. I’m lucky that my body seems to know when I am in public and not able to be sick, but that’s still a fear I have all the time.

But besides the pain and nausea, I just hate not feeling like me. The bloating is bad, but it’s worse when none of my clothes fit and I have to convince my brain that it’s not because I really gained a ton of weight. Being crabby and irritated isn’t my natural state and I sometimes have to work hard to not take that out on other people. I’m trying to be more social now that it’s possible, but right now I just want to curl up on my bed and nap. I try to force myself to not do that, but sometimes I just can’t find the motivation to do anything else.

And even though this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want to, I hate that I’m complaining about this. I know that things can be better (and they were for so long and I miss that time), but I also know that things could be worse. Having regular cycles is a sign that my body is still working the way it should. I know there are a lot of issues that I might not know about even with a regular cycle, but it is still a good sign. It would be worse if I was constantly going through medical tests to figure out what is wrong with my hormones or body, and I have several friends who have to do that. Hearing their stories of various tests and procedures does make me grateful that my issues can be planned and scheduled around.

As much as I try to be positive and think that maybe I’m being dramatic and my body will surprise me, I have to be prepared for it not to be that way. And even if I felt completely normal again tomorrow (unlikely, but you never know), the past week has still been one of the worst times I’ve had and it’s been a real issue in my life and trying to be able to do anything.

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Default ThumbnailI Guess This Makes Me Feel A Bit Better (or A Physical Explanation For My Emotional Symptoms) Default ThumbnailSorry For A Quick Post (or Going Through A Tough Day) Default ThumbnailFeeling Like I’m Catching Up (or A Month With Vertigo) Default ThumbnailSleeping Away The Day (or Sometimes The Pain and Nausea Are Just Too Bad) Default ThumbnailSo Grateful To Work From Home (or Just Getting Through The Day) Default ThumbnailAnother Attempt At A Reset (or Feeling Sick Got Me Into A Bad Routine)

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Friends Are Living All Over (or Another Thing Because Of The Pandemic)

Posted on May 19, 2021 | Comments Off on Friends Are Living All Over (or Another Thing Because Of The Pandemic)

Over the past year, so many people have moved. Some moved home to be with family so they didn’t have to be alone. Some moved in with roommates or someone they were dating for the same reason. And some people moved away because of work or other opportunities.

I was very lucky that I wasn’t in a spot where I had to worry about moving. While paying my rent wasn’t easy when I was out of work, I had the money I could use even if I wanted to save it for another reason. To me, staying in my place was important because I love where I live. I toyed with the idea of seeing if I wanted to go stay with family or see if someone wanted to be temporary roommates. But that didn’t happen. I just didn’t find a way to make it work and be a good idea when things were a bit more normal again.

But throughout the past year, several of my friends have moved away from LA. Some of them had these moves planned out before the pandemic started. The timing just happened to be after things shut down. But it was unfortunate because they couldn’t really say goodbye to people. Since they couldn’t have a goodbye party, some people moved and shared that they moved after the fact. And as much as I would have liked to have said goodbye, I knew there was no way I could have done that so I understand why they decided to move that way.

For most of the past year, having friends moving away didn’t really hit me. I wouldn’t have seen them even if they lived down the street while things were shut down. But as things are starting to reopen, I’m missing those friends who moved away more and more. I’m not making plans to see them at workouts or go out to do the things that are finally open again.

And while everyone says making friends as an adult is tough, making friends as an adult while we are coming out of a pandemic is even harder. I’ve had to find new friends before as an adult, and the friends I gained were people I met at different social events or parties. I have no idea how to make new friends who live in LA now (I have made some amazing friends who aren’t local through my Movie Club group on Teleparty).

I know I will find ways to make new friends eventually, and I really am excited for my friends who moved away because they all have moved somewhere that has made them happy or allowed them amazing opportunities that they couldn’t have in LA. But it’s hard not to be sad as this is another part of my old life that is over because of the pandemic. I do try to focus on the excitement of my friends with their new lives in their new cities. And seeing them happy makes me happy. I hope that I can visit some of them when I feel like travel is a bit safer, and I love knowing I have friends all over the country that I could see and explore new cities with.

I know that things always change throughout life. And having friends move away is just a part of that. But I think having it happen with so many friends and combined with the isolation and other issues of the pandemic, it just hit me harder this time. But one thing that this pandemic has taught me is how to stay in touch with people when I can’t be face to face with them. I did that for people who lived down the street when we were all isolated and I can continue to do that for people who are no longer local. I have built the skills to stay virtually connected and I will just have to keep using these skills to stay in touch with my friends.

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Default ThumbnailReflection (or I’m Totally Living My Dream) Default ThumbnailBeing Social Feels A Bit Cold (or Another Realization About The Pandemic) Default ThumbnailIt Sucks To Say Goodbye (I Don’t Like It When My Friends Move Away) Default ThumbnailA Year Into The Pandemic (or This Is Still Such A Weird Time) Default ThumbnailMaking Friends As An Adult (or Am I Weird?) Default ThumbnailThoughts Almost A Year Into The Pandemic (or Things Still Seem So Weird)

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Mental Health Month (or There Is No Shame In Therapy)

Posted on May 14, 2021 | Comments Off on Mental Health Month (or There Is No Shame In Therapy)

May is Mental Health Month. Mental Health Month is all about sharing how help with mental health can be for everyone and that there is nothing wrong with getting help. And I strongly agree that mental health help and therapy are for everyone. I feel even stronger about this now because I have seen how my own mental health has fluctuated during the pandemic. Even someone who was completely stable before could be having worries now that they could get help with. And there are so many ways to get help these days.

I don’t know how many therapists are doing in-person appointments unless someone is having severe issues. But those will be coming back if they aren’t back just yet. But there are other ways to get help. I personally have used phone and video chat visits with my therapist, even before the pandemic. And those visits are so easy to do and require less time than going to an in-person appointment.

I’ve been in therapy for quite a while. While I haven’t continuously been in therapy since I was a teen, that is when I did start going. And I’m pretty open and honest about being in therapy for various issues. I have no shame in the fact that I’m working on getting help and I’m always happy to share what I’m going through.

So when I saw my friend Amir post this tweet, I knew I would have to tweet about it and wanted to go further in sharing my therapy journey.

When I started going to therapy when I was a teenager, I was a little embarrassed that I was going, but I also didn’t necessarily hide it. I also wasn’t as outspoken as I am now. I went mainly for issues like mild depression and anxiety, but I also know now that there is a chance that I was misdiagnosed. This isn’t the fault of the therapist I saw, I know I was misdiagnosed by more than one therapist. But I think it was how I presented at the time and what I was willing to share. I also didn’t go to that first therapist that much, so they really didn’t get to know me.

When I was in college, I had a different therapist that I started to see the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. That was the second therapist that looking back misdiagnosed me. But I know why I was misdiagnosed and I think I gave up on that therapy sooner than I should have because I wanted more immediate results.

I did group therapy for my eating disorder in my early 20’s for a few years. That group was great and I learned a lot about myself and what coping skills I could use. And I still stay in contact with many of the people from that group through social media. I might have stuck with that group longer, but life got in the way and I couldn’t attend. I’ve thought about maybe going back, but I also know the people I knew from the group aren’t there anymore and I don’t know if I want to start with a different group. At least not right now (or when it would be safe to go to a group therapy thing again).

There were several years I wasn’t in any form of therapy until I started again to more specifically discuss my eating disorder. And while I specifically started therapy again to get on Vyvanse (since you had to be seen by a doctor to get it), I also discussed other issues with that therapist. That’s where I really learned more about the mental health issues I have and why I might have been misdiagnosed in the past. I know now that my mild depression and panic issues are related to other things like having OCD. I also understand why some of the medications I was taking in the past might not have worked for me and why sometimes it made me feel worse. And while I didn’t go on any medications besides Vyvanse (I actually stopped taking some), I felt like I was getting much better.

That therapist that I saw to get on Vyvanse moved away, so I have a new therapist working with me on things. But we also both understand in a way that I have reached a stopping point with getting mental help with my eating disorder. Now, it’s more about managing my reactions to setbacks or other tough moments. And I am working on a few other things still, such as managing my OCD and overcoming emotional abuse in my past. But even as I work through these things and feel at times that I’m stuck, I know that I’ve made a lot of progress.

But one of the biggest things that I think has helped me over the years is being open and honest about getting help. Having others in my life know what I’m struggling with allows them to be there for me when I need it. I don’t feel like I have to hide a part of myself or watch everything I say or do. And being open about therapy has also helped to connect me with others going through the same thing. Having people who understand some of the quirks with a specific mental health issue is so helpful. Being able to share resources or have a sounding board is something I know I needed. And while my friends are great about supporting me, sometimes you just want to talk to someone who is going through the same situation. But I wouldn’t have that support from anyone if I wasn’t getting help myself or being open about it.

If you are struggling with any mental health issues, please find someone to talk to. Even if you don’t think things are that bad, you have a chance to make them better. There is no shame in getting help. If you had a broken leg, would you feel shame if you had to go to a doctor and couldn’t fix it yourself? No. Getting help for physical health issues is accepted by everyone. And hopefully, soon enough help for mental health issues will be viewed the same way by anyone and everyone.

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Default ThumbnailMental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never) Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailA Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In) Default ThumbnailAnother Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress) Default ThumbnailA New/Old Challenge (or Using An Idea From Therapy This Month)

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Working On Speaking Up For Myself (or Finding A Balance Between Confident and Bossy)

Posted on April 30, 2021 | Comments Off on Working On Speaking Up For Myself (or Finding A Balance Between Confident and Bossy)

I think a lot of women were raised to be polite or demure. We aren’t supposed to make a lot of trouble for people and try to go with the flow. We are called bossy if we do speak up and that’s used as an insult. Men are called assertive and that’s a good thing, but women are bossy and it’s bad. I wasn’t raised to not speak up for myself, but I was raised to be kind and polite. And sometimes being kind and polite means being quiet because speaking up could cause issues. And this is a mindset that I’ve had for a long time even when I wanted to fight it.

A big place this has been a problem for me in the past has been in jobs. I know that having a job isn’t always a given. There are a lot of times that I know I’m lucky to have a job or opportunity and I don’t want to lose it. But this also means that I’ve tolerated a lot of bad workplaces in the past. There’s one job where I was harrassed by my manager, but I never spoke up because I was worried about being fired. I did speak to HR, but they didn’t seem to take it seriously. My manager would call me fat or make fun of my personal life in front of others and I just stayed quiet. There was another job where my boss was verbally abusive to all the employees. I was a receptionist and when I asked for a raise (which was a part of my contract) he screamed at me saying that I was an awful person for not appreciating what I had. The one time that I did speak up a bit was at one job that wanted me to take some continuing education classes and then I found out the only places I could take them that they would be ok with would be through their religious headquarters. But even then, I didn’t speak up that much. I just said that the job wasn’t a good fit for me and not that it was illegal for them to require me to pay for classes from a religious group.

And I think from my posts on here it’s clear that another place I have struggled with speaking up is with dating. I don’t think this one is as gendered, but I do think a lot of women want to be the cool girl who doesn’t push too hard. You don’t want to be the one to bring up where your relationship is going because you don’t want to seem like you are pushing for marriage and scare the guy off. I’m slowly starting to learn that if the guy is the right guy, discussing the tough stuff won’t scare them off. But I still am always worried that I will scare a guy off and for some reason they are the last person who will ever be interested in me. It doesn’t help that I have had some relationships end when I had the “what are we” conversation and another relationship end because a guy claimed he didn’t believe me enough when I said I wasn’t pushing for us to be in a relationship. But I also can look back at those past relationships and realize that even if I didn’t have that conversation, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted for other reasons.

But I’m noticing that I am getting better at speaking up lately.

I’ve spoken up at all of my jobs now to make sure that things are working out for me. I’ve spoken up about asking for a raise when it was in the job offer that one would be coming. I’ve spoken up about my schedule and what would work best for me. And I’ve spoken up about job responsibilities and what seems reasonable.

And with dating, even though it’s still tough to date during the pandemic, it is getting easier as things get safer. And that means I have more chances to speak up and advocate for myself. I’m not pushing hard for anything that feels unreasonable, but I am setting boundaries and expectations. For example, someone from my past reached out to me and I had some hesitation about trying things again with them. They had some issues with being reliable and being an infrequent texter. So I told them that if they wanted to start talking again, it had to be on the phone and not over text. And I’m holding them to that. They still are texting, but I am not responding most of the time. And when I do respond, I say the same thing again about how if they want to talk to me they need to call. I don’t have to just go with what they want when it’s not what I want. And if there is someone that I have talked to that I want to see again, I am getting more comfortable with being very upfront and asking them out again. I’m not waiting on them to ask me out. If I want to see them again, I am clear about that so they know where I stand.

I do still worry that sometimes I seem bossy or demanding, but I’m working through that more and more. And the more that I do speak up for myself and see the positive response I get in return, the more comfortable I feel doing this. I know that it’s not always going to work out for me and I do have stories of where it didn’t work, but more often it either works or opens up the conversation to discuss things more so I can make sure that I’m getting what I want out of life, work, and relationships.

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Posted in Dating, Tough Stuff, Work

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A Random Panic Attack (or It’s Been A While Since This Happened)

Posted on April 15, 2021 | Comments Off on A Random Panic Attack (or It’s Been A While Since This Happened)

I’ve had a panic/anxiety disorder for a long time. I honestly don’t know how long I’ve had it since I think I wasn’t diagnosed properly at first. I remember being diagnosed with depression when I was about 18, but I actually think looking back that it was really panic/anxiety and not depression. And there was a period of time where my panic/anxiety disorder was pretty bad. It never got so bad that I couldn’t function properly, but it did affect my life a lot. I was on one medication daily and another medication as needed.

Then I went down to only taking the medication as needed and stopped the daily one. I didn’t need it that often, but often enough that I would get refills for the prescription a few times a year. Then it went down to only having panic attacks for a few situations like going to the dentist or flying on a plane. Very rarely, I’d have a random panic attack or a wave of anxiety, but I could usually pinpoint what caused it. And sometimes for me, knowing the cause helps to make it not as bad.

And for the past few years, it seems like I rarely have to think about my panic/anxiety disorder. I don’t seem to have panic attacks at the dentist anymore. I don’t even have to take medication. I do get some anxiety going to my appointments, but it’s manageable and I’m usually able to get over the anxiety around the middle of my appointment (once I know that there is nothing severely wrong with my teeth). I rarely fly, so I can’t really judge how my anxiety is with that, but I guess avoiding a trigger is a way of dealing with it. And the random attacks almost never happen to me.

I did have more anxiety than normal over this past year, but I think most people had that feeling. And it wasn’t as bad as what I’ve experienced in the past at my worst moments. So the general feeling of anxiety is just something I got used to and learned to tolerate.

But then earlier this week, I had my first big random panic attack in a while. And I honestly don’t know what caused it.

That day I did my work as normal. Once I was done with work, I went to AAA to renew my car registration. That’s usually a quick outing, but it took a very long time. They were only letting a few people inside at a time, and for some of us they didn’t let us in at all. For me, they took my check and car registration paperwork and I waited outside while they did the work. Then they came back and brought me my new registration paperwork and sticker. I was annoyed how long it took, but it wasn’t bad. And after that was done, I decided to go to Trader Joe’s for some groceries.

Going to Trader Joe’s almost feels like a treat these days. I still do a majority of my grocery shopping online and have it delivered to my house. And for a while, I was maybe going to Trader Joe’s once a month since there are some things there that I can’t get at other stores. But I’m slowly going more often. I’m still not going that much, but now I’m getting groceries there 2-3 times a month. I’m grateful that even though it is a smaller store, it’s not that crowded inside. At the beginning of the pandemic, you had to line up outside because so many people were trying to grocery shop. But now, things have calmed down enough so you don’t have to wait in line.

My grocery list was short and I got everything I needed quickly and got in line to check out. And then the panic attack hit me like a wall. It was 0 to 60 in an instant. And I still don’t know what triggered it. I just know that one moment, I was feeling fine and the next I was experiencing everything I get with panic attacks. I was having trouble catching my breath (and wearing a mask doesn’t help that feeling). I could feel my heart racing. I was shaking and sweating. My entire body felt jumpy and like I needed to not just stand still.

I thought about just leaving my groceries and going home to deal with the attack, but I ended up waiting it out since I was almost at the front of the line. I’m sure people could see that something was wrong with me, but I’m glad nobody asked me if I was ok. I couldn’t really get the words out if I wanted to. I paid for my groceries and got to my car where I tried to calm down a bit more. I was able to calm myself enough to feel ok to drive and then headed home (fortunately, the store is very close to my house). But the attack wasn’t over and when I got home I put away what I had to and went to lay down on my bed.

I tried to focus on breathing and staying calm. I tried to think about what caused this attack to rationalize it. It took just under an hour before I felt normal again. But I think about half that time was just recovering from the attack and how exhausted it made me feel. Panic attacks can really take it out of you both physically and mentally. But I was able to get back to feeling ok later that afternoon and continue on with my day.

I know that any mental health issue isn’t necessarily something you can get over, it’s something you learn to manage and deal with. But when it’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with an attack, it can be a little harder to get over since I’m out of practice. I might have a random panic attack every so often for the rest of my life, and that’s ok. I just have to remember that I can get through it and that I’m ok and safe. And in a weird way, being out of practice with dealing with them makes me a bit happy since that’s a sign that this is a rare occurrence and not a regular part of my life.

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