Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Not Feeling Like I Belong (or Way Out Of My Comfort Zone)

Posted on August 28, 2015 | Comments Off on Not Feeling Like I Belong (or Way Out Of My Comfort Zone)

A few weeks ago, one of the blogger groups I’m a part of offered tickets to a fitness event happening in Orange County. Since it wasn’t going to be that far of a drive for me (and the tickets would be free), I decided that I would check it out. There were a bunch of different fitness classes that I could sign up for, and I signed myself up for a bunch.

Then, I tore my calf muscle.

I knew that I was still going to check out the event, but going to the fitness classes really wasn’t a possibility for me. So I headed down to Orange County right after work on Saturday. I didn’t get off to the best start. The parking lot that was used was a Disneyland lot. I thought that since I have a parking pass on my annual pass that I would be able to park there for free (instead of paying $15). Sadly, that wasn’t the case. After giving the parking attendant my money, I realized that it was going to be a bit of a walk to get to the event. Normally, it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but with the injury it was.

Once I got inside, I had some issues with checking in (there were 2 different names to the event and I was trying to check in at the stand for one name when I had to be at the other name). Finally, I got my wristband and headed inside.

Honestly, I hated it. There were a couple of stage areas where different demonstrations were happening, but besides those it was just booths where things were being sold. There were dozens of protein powders, drinks, recovery foods, gear, and other workout related things being sold. And while I would have loved to try some of them, it was so crowded at each booth that I didn’t stick around to wait in line (some lines were 40 people long, I counted).

The group that got me the tickets had arranged for us to have a room to use for meeting up, relaxing, and picking up our swag bags. Nobody was in there (I think only 2 people from the group were at the event that day) and the swag bag was just a juice drink. I know that I shouldn’t be looking for a big swag bag, but there was one email that mentioned getting a VIP swag bag. I don’t think a nylon drawstring bag with one juice inside is really a VIP swag bag.

Since there was nobody in our reserved room, I tried heading back out on the floor again. I just felt so awkward and out of place there. I’m sure that I’m paranoid, but I felt like everyone was staring at me and looking at me like I don’t belong. Most of the women there were super fit, wearing very little clothing, and had a spray tan. I’m just me.

After walking around for about an hour, I decided that it was time for me to go home. The crowds were overwhelming me and there really wasn’t anything for me to do there.

I don’t think that it is the fault of the event or the blogger group that I had a bad time there. I think that the blogger group wasn’t quite aware that it was mainly an expo and not more of an event. And the event might have been great if I could have gone to the classes and if I wanted to buy a bunch of stuff. I think I just went in with the wrong expectations and it wasn’t right for me.

I’m not sure if I would attend another fitness expo (or any expo really) in the future. They aren’t for me and I hate feeling like everyone there is trying to get me to try or buy things. I like to look at what is offered, but there’s always pressure from the people working the booths to sign up for something or purchase an item.

But I’m glad I went to get out of my comfort zone and see what it was all about. I do need to push myself from time to time and see what is right for me and what isn’t. And now that I’ve realized that this type of thing isn’t for me, I’m ok with that.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Try At The Fit Expo (or Finding My Place) Default ThumbnailBusting Out Of My Comfort Zone (or I Bought Skinny Jeans) Default ThumbnailWorkout On The Beach (or Meeting The TIU Trainers) Default ThumbnailClassPass (or Attempting To Workout While Hurting) Default ThumbnailFeeling Jet Lag Without A Time Zone Change (or Back To Home) Default ThumbnailFeeling Better About My Progress (or Coming Back From The Dri-Tri)

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Learning How To Maximize My Injury (or Feeling More Normal)

Posted on August 24, 2015 | Comments Off on Learning How To Maximize My Injury (or Feeling More Normal)

It’s been another interesting week of workouts. I’ve had some setbacks with my injury, but it has been getting better. I’m still using compression bandages most of the time (yesterday was my first day trying to get around without a bandage and it was pretty painful) and I’ve ordered a couple of different compression sleeves to wear for my workouts soon. The bandages get loose during the workout and I’m finding that I’m having to adjust them a lot. So hopefully the compression sleeves will help.

Since I’m still recovering (and will likely still be recovering for another week or so), I’ve been working really hard at getting better at the bike at Orangetheory. It’s very different from using the treadmill and I still find that I’m not getting quite as good of a workout on it. Part of the reason it isn’t as good of a workout is the pain from the injury, but I also know that I’m scared to push myself because I don’t know what my limits are on it yet like I do on the treadmill.

I’ve had to be ok with not meeting my splat points goals during the workouts. It’s very tough for me to get my heart rate up high enough on the bike. But on Wednesday I tried really hard to increase the resistance and to sit up on the bike instead of using the handlebars. And that effort really did pay off.

Workout Summary

It wasn’t easy getting my heart rate up, but I proved that I could do it. So while I know that this might not happen for every workout on the bike, I know that it is possible and that I can try my hardest to get to that point.

I also had a pretty great bike day on Friday. We didn’t switch between the blocks the entire workout (only once to switch from cardio to strength) so I was on the bike for a long time without a break. I did take little breaks on my own to drink water or to adjust my compression bandage, but I did ride for 25 minutes (the timer on the bike stops when I stopped pedaling so there really was 25 minutes of riding).

PR Bike

I was also pretty proud that I passed 10 miles on that cardio block. I had it in my head that it would be amazing if I got to 10 miles. So getting that extra .1 was a nice surprise.

Besides making strides with my cardio on the bike, I’m also getting better at rowing. I’m still not totally able to do a full row, but I’m getting closer and closer and I think that once I’m wearing compression sleeves and not the bandage that I should be able to (I feel so much pressure when my leg is bent and I think the pressure is the bandage and not the injury). We had a lot of rowing this past week, and while my wattage and distance isn’t close to what it used to be, it’s much better than last week.

And while cardio and rowing aren’t the best with the injury, it’s not really hurting my strength workout. Some things I can’t quite do, like lunges, but pretty much everything else is stuff that doesn’t bother me. I’m focusing on my form right now and not increasing the weights (I figured that’s probably the best right now) and I am totally feeling the difference! Even with the same weights (or sometimes even lower weights) that I was using before, I’m feeling the burn in my arms and legs during the workout more. And some of the weird aches that I had post-workout in my back and shoulders aren’t there anymore so I think the form improvement is a good thing.

This week I should be getting my compression sleeves in time for 1 or 2 of my workouts. So I should be able to see if those make enough of a difference to feel more normal. And Wednesday marks 2 weeks since the injury and I may try seeing how the treadmill feels. I’m a little nervous to test the treadmill since when I did it at the first workout post-injury it was horrible. But obviously that was way too soon to test out my calf. Maybe with over a week of treadmill rest it will feel different.

I know I said this before when I’ve had other pains or when I was sick, but in a weird way I’m glad I had this injury. I’m proving to myself that I’m not using it as an excuse to be lazy and not try. I’m just finding new workarounds for things and continuing to try to kick butt as much as possible.

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Default ThumbnailWorkouts With Modifications (or Dealing With A New Injury) Default ThumbnailAlmost Back To Normal (or Making Progress) Default ThumbnailTrying To Be Patient (or Did I Re-Injury Myself?) Default ThumbnailAlmost Normal (or Guess I’m Definitely Missing The Dri-Tri) Default ThumbnailAnother Normal Workout Week (or Getting Back To Everything Feeling Routine) Default ThumbnailMaking It Through The Week (or Going From Feeling Horrible To Feeling Normal)

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A New Alarm Clock (or Letting Go Of A Little OCD)

Posted on August 20, 2015 | Comments Off on A New Alarm Clock (or Letting Go Of A Little OCD)

I’ve blogged about my alarm clock before. I know that some of you must think that I’m crazy, but that alarm clock meant so much to me.

That alarm clock was a gift for my high school graduation from one of my dad’s coworkers. That means that I got it over 14 years ago (I’m shocked it lasted so long). When I was in high school, I was horrible getting up in the morning for school. I would have multiple alarm clock is going off, and I would still sleep through them. My mom or dad would always have to come and get me up for the day. When I graduated high school, I was worried about how I would get up for class every morning. And that alarm clock saved my butt.

I never unintentionally overslept for a class the entire time I was in college (sorry Mom and Dad that there was a class or two that I intentionally slept through). That alarm clock was so annoying that I had to get up every morning just to turn it off. I continue to use that alarm clock after college. With the exception of one time, I never missed a morning.

This alarm clock has been dying on me the past couple of years. I’ve managed to revive it multiple times, and every time I get it back I’m glad that I don’t have to look for a new alarm clock. For some reason in my head, I feel like no other alarm clock will be good enough for me.

But the other day, the alarm clock died. There was no saving it. It’s totally dead. I think that the speaker inside the alarm clock died. That’s not something that can be fixed by changing the batteries, and I’m sure however much it would be to fix is too much money. This alarm clock was made by Sharper Image, and it’s not for sale anywhere anymore. I even checked eBay with no luck. I did find a friend who has the exact same alarm clock at her parents’ home and promised to sell it to me the next time she traveled home and got it.

Since I can’t wait for forever for a new alarm clock, I finally had to suck it up and get a new one. I managed to find one with similar features on Amazon, and it was shipped to my house the other day.

New Alarm Clock

I also use my phone and my Fitbit as alarm clocks, so I wasn’t just relying on the new untested alarm clock. But this new alarm clock works just fine. I woke up in the morning without oversleeping, and I was able to start my day just like I was with the old alarm clock.

So why am I writing about this?

Because I think my fear of getting a new alarm clock has a lot to do with other things in my life. Maybe it’s related to my panic anxiety disorder or maybe it’s part of my OCD. I know that I did have OCD related to the alarm clock. I had to test it every night by pressing the snooze button (which would make a noise) and I needed it to sound “perfect” twice in a row before I could go to bed. I’m aware how that is obviously OCD, but since it wasn’t really harming anyone I never felt like I needed treatment for it.

But whatever issue was holding me back from getting a new alarm clock is gone now that I have a new one in my home. I was forced into this change and it was a good thing for me. I feel a sense of relief now that I’m not scared about my old alarm clock dying anymore. It’s very strange sensation.

The new alarm clock is still relatively new in my life, so I don’t know how this relief will relate to other things in my life. I do feel a sense of calm and lack of anxiety that I didn’t have before.

It’s strange how something as basic as an alarm clock can cause so much fear in so many parts of your life. I’m hoping that this letting go can be a new trend my life and perhaps lead me to other positive things.

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Posted in Fun Stuff, Shopping, Tough Stuff

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Trying To Be Patient (or Did I Re-Injury Myself?)

Posted on August 19, 2015 | Comments Off on Trying To Be Patient (or Did I Re-Injury Myself?)

This torn calf is really a pain in the butt! I’ve been doing ok with my workouts because I’m super cautious, but I’m having a lot of trouble outside of Orangetheory.

While I’m at home, I’ve been trying to keep my leg elevated when I can and icing it throughout the day. I’m also wrapping it up in a bandage for compression a good majority of the day (I have to take it off to shower, sleep, and when my skin starts to get irritated). I’ve also bought some compression sleeves for my legs that I can start wearing at home or while working out to help.

But even with being that careful, several times a day I have a pain that is very similar to what the original injury felt like. I’m not seeing any additional bruising so I don’t think I’m tearing my muscle more, but it’s definitely not good. Every time it happens, I have a quick moment of panic and then try to just be more carefully with how I’m walking.

I do feel progress and that I’m getting better. And it’s only been a week since the injury and it says online that it can take a month to recover. I’m just not patient with things like this.

I was the same way with my hip surgery. After my surgery I had to be on crutches for 6 weeks (I had 2 weeks on crutches before surgery). For the first month after surgery, I wasn’t able to go without my crutches. Those last 2 weeks, however, I was rarely using them inside my house (I’d still use them outside where the ground wasn’t as even). I felt so guilty about doing that when I did, but a couple of years after my surgery the rules were changes where patients only had to spend 4 weeks after surgery on crutches. So I technically did was the future policy would be.

I know that many people with a torn calf would be on crutches while it heals, but since others have not done so and have been able to recover I’m ok with no using them. I’d rather try to push myself a little bit every day instead of doing nothing for a few weeks and then trying to rebuild my strength.

Until I don’t have any pain left I’m going to stay with restrictions. I won’t walk unless I have to (it makes getting 10,000 steps in a day tough but I’m just making it each day) and I’m only going to use the bike for cardio in my workouts. I’ll continue to do the R.I.C.E. method and hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be back to normal.

I know that some people might say that this is a sign that I need to slow down. I don’t see it that way at all. I just see it as a challenge to get past and prove that I don’t have to stop my momentum to get through it.

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Workouts With Modifications (or Dealing With A New Injury)

Posted on August 17, 2015 | 14 comments

This was an interesting week of workouts for me. I was feeling great from doing 4 workouts the past week and had every intention of doing the same this week. But then everything changed for me.

My Monday workout was fine. I was a bit tired from my birthday fun the night before. I swear that I was sweating out cake during the class. I might have been a bit sluggish, but nothing too extreme. I continued working on increasing my weights and my treadmill speed and felt like I was finally getting into a good groove of taking my workouts to the next level.

Then on Wednesday, my right calf was bugging me all morning. I thought maybe I slept funny because it felt like a bruise or that my calf muscle had been squeezed all night (like a charley horse). I didn’t think too much of it because I figured a workout would help get things stretched out.

I gave the coach for the class a heads up that I was feeling sore, and she said to take it easy. I got on the treadmill to warm up at 3 miles and hour, and after maybe walking for a minute I felt a pop in my muscle and my vision went white.

I was terrified that I did something horrible, but the pain decreased a bit when I stopped walking and my vision returned to normal after a second. So I hopped off the treadmill and went over to the bike for my cardio. I told the coach what happened and she noticed that a bruise was forming on the back of my leg. She said that I needed to not push myself and to not do anything that would hurt me.

I stayed on the bike for the entire cardio portion and really took it easy with the weights. By the end of the workout, the bruise on my left was from my calf down to my foot and I was still in pain when walking.

After consulting with my mom and dad, we figured that I must have torn my calf (the bruise is from the blood from the torn blood vessels). There’s nothing you can really do for this type of injury besides rest, ice, and elevation. So that’s what I did all evening.

Busted Calf

Even with the pain, I knew that I wasn’t going to skip my Friday workout. I decided against doing a 4th workout for the week, but I was going to get my 3 in for sure.

By Friday, the pain was about half as bad as it was on Wednesday. I wrapped a compression bandage on my calf and went to my workout. I tried the treadmill but it was just too painful for the speed that I would need to get my heart rate up. So I moved back to the bike again (guess my birthday bike ride was getting me ready to work out on the bike at Orangetheory). The bike hurt a little, but I was ok. I had lots of issues rowing because I couldn’t bend all the way, so I did little half rows. And I used lighter weights for the lower body work, but that meant that I increased the weights for my upper body.

I’m so used to working out with my hip issues or when I get sick, but this is an entirely different thing. With the type of tear I have, I should be close to 80% better either today or tomorrow and fully recovered in a week or two. This sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. I just have to continue with extra modifications and remembering that it’s all about consistency.

Hopefully this week will be a bit better with my workouts, but if not, I know that soon enough that I will be back to my normal self.

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Needing To Get Back Into The Kitchen (or Can I Blame The Heat?)

Posted on August 6, 2015 | Comments Off on Needing To Get Back Into The Kitchen (or Can I Blame The Heat?)

I’ve gotten pretty bad about making my own meals lately. Part of it is because of the heat, part of it has been a laziness thing (I’m embarrassed to admit that). The heat doesn’t look like it will be getting much better anytime soon, so I do need to look up some alternative solutions. I know that eating frozen and already prepared meals is not the answer.

So many of the things I know how to cook do require either the stove or the oven, so I know I don’t want to do those. I’m not a big salad person, but I’m trying to remember some of the salads that I liked to make during the cleanse so I can make those for my meals. I’m also looking at some alternative kitchen gadgets that can help me make healthy meals without having to use any heat appliances.

I recently purchased a spiralizer, which can help me turn vegetables like zucchini and carrots into pasta-like strips. This is very new purchase so I have not had a chance to use it yet. But it didn’t come with a free cookbook and I’m starting to get excited about some of the recipes inside there.

I’ve also been looking at some free cookbook downloads. I don’t have the money to spend on cookbooks right now, so these downloaded cookbooks are really great option for me. I’ve found quite a few of them and I’m keeping them on my computer desktop instead of printing them (maybe I’ll print one or two recipes, but I don’t want to print the entire book).

Cookbook Downloads

I think part of the reason I haven’t been cooking for a while is I feel like I’ve lost some of my inspiration I had in the kitchen. I enjoyed cooking when I was doing it. But now that I’ve stopped, it feels hard to start up again. It’s like workouts. When I was in a groove before, everything was fine. But when I took a break, I always found it very difficult to get back to a regular workout schedule. This may be one of the reasons I’m so scared to do fewer than three workouts a week at Orangetheory. I don’t want to lose the momentum that I’ve worked so hard to get.

Even with the heat making me lazy, I’m still trying to make the best choices that I can even with using frozen foods. I’m not getting the usual low-calorie frozen foods I used to get. There are so many chemicals and things I don’t want to eat in those. I’m focusing on the all-natural frozen foods that I can get at the grocery store (I like Amy’s), mainly those that have ingredients that I can pronounce. That seems to be a guideline that many health websites seem to use for which frozen meals are ok to have.

The one thing that I haven’t slipped back into doing is getting delivery food as often as I have in the past. There are those rare times that I realize that I haven’t eaten in a while, my fridge is a bit empty, and I need to get some dinner. And I don’t want to go to the grocery store with at empty stomach because then I will buy everything I see. In those circumstances, it’s almost safer for me to get delivery food than it is for me to go to the grocery store. But those situations are becoming less and less frequent because I’m getting better about going to the grocery store on the regular and finding things that are good choices to keep in my house.

I hate using the heat as an excuse, but that really does feel like the thing that is the setback for me. I want to believe that when it cools down, I’m going to get back into my routine of cooking at home. But I also know that it’s possible to get into the habit of not cooking at home again. That’s what I’m trying to prevent now.

Hopefully I can break out of my cooking rut (again) and get back on track with preparing my own food and eating as healthy as I can.

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Recovering From A Bad Day (or Making Sure I Fill In My Checklist)

Posted on August 5, 2015 | Comments Off on Recovering From A Bad Day (or Making Sure I Fill In My Checklist)

After my bad day, I knew that I would have to wake up the next morning with a better attitude. I didn’t want a bad day to turn into a bad week. In the past, I would just try to do random stuff to cheer me up. But now, I have a record of things that make me happy.

So my Monday was focused on my checklist and seeing what I could get done. I have never gotten all 10 items in a single day, nor do I think that that is really possible, but I wanted to get a bunch off.

My day started with a workout. Even though workouts aren’t my favorite thing in the world, that is a great start to a day. Between the workout and marching in place while watching tv, I managed to get my 10,000 steps in for the day.

After my workout, I had some time to kill at my house. I wrote a blog post for one of the blogs I freelance on. Since it was so hot in my house I took advantage of the speech to text feature on my phone and wrote the post in bed in front of a fan. So that was much better than typing at a hot computer (this post is typed at my computer, but I’m going to start taking advantage of the speech to text feature more often!). Getting blog work done always makes me happy because I’m always stressed about what I will write about. Fortunately I had some inspiration for that article.

After writing I read for a long while. I just finished one book and had fun choosing what I would read next. So of course I got sucked into my book and read probably longer than I should have.

My evening ended with meeting up with a friend and going to see “Ant Man”. We had been meaning to see it for a while, and we finally both had some time free. I go see comic book movies with this friend because he knows everything about the comic book world and was able to explain things I didn’t get after the movie. I really enjoyed the movie, even more than I expected! The only thing that bugged me was I knew that I knew the actor who played the bad guy from somewhere. I didn’t want to be an annoying theater patron so I didn’t try to slyly look it up on my phone. As soon as the credits came up, I looked and realized I knew him from a Lifetime movie! Super random.

Overall, it was a pretty great day. I checked 7 things off of my happiness checklist which I think is pretty amazing. And I really got out of my bad day funk. Things from that day are getting better. My schedule is back on track, I’m sleeping better, and the new chain for my necklace should be delivered in a day or two.

I guess you really do have to just accept sometimes that a day might suck but know that the next one doesn’t have to.

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Just A Bad Day (or This Time It Wasn’t A Bad Hour)

Posted on August 4, 2015 | 3 comments

I wrote just the other day about my panic/gallbladder attack that made me have a really bad hour in what was otherwise a relatively good day. That wasn’t so bad. But this past Sunday, I just had a bad day. And instead of trying to feel better (and in turn then feeling worse because it wasn’t getting better), I just let the bad day play out.

The bad day actually starting with my sleep. I had a horrible night sleeping. It was a combination of the heat and having some heartburn issues (those are rare) so I kept waking up and staying awake for a long time. Over the course of the night, I think I got about 4 hours of sleep. I usually need between 6-7 to feel rested.

Not only did I have a bad night sleeping, I overslept because I was so tired in the morning that I didn’t hear my multiple alarms going off (or I managed to turn them off in my sleep). I ended up oversleeping about 3 hours so the start of my day ended up being rushed.

If I wasn’t rushing around enough that morning, I had a major delay with my first chore I was trying to get done. I have laundry on-site where I live. We have one washer and one dryer and while they do break down from time to time, it’s usually pretty obvious when they aren’t working (like they don’t turn on). I did my load of laundry and when I got it out of the dryer, the dryer had been turning but there was no heat or warmth. So my clothes were just slightly less wet but they were still cold and wet.

I wasn’t going to waste more money in a broken dryer so I put a note on it for my neighbors to see and threw all my wet clothes in my car and drove to a laundromat that is in a strip mall near my house.

Laundry

I paid again to dry my clothes but instead of being able to do other things while my clothes dried, I was stuck there watching. I did have a book with me so I did read. But I felt like my time was almost wasted.

The reason I was rushing around so much was because I had to work that evening. I got my clothes dried and dressed into work clothes in time to drive to work. I was prepared for another long shift so I had my book and was looking forward to getting paid for reading (the best thing ever!).

Only to find out that my shift was going to be less than 4 hours instead of 6 hours like I thought it would be. Yes, it was good I wouldn’t have to be there as late. But I really could have used the extra money and if I had known I would be done so early I might have tried to make some plans for the evening.

Then toward the end of my work shift, I felt my necklace slide down my neck. I caught it only to discover that the chain had broken toward the middle.

Broken Chain

I couldn’t find a broken link (I’m now thinking that maybe one link totally broke and fell to the floor) and there was no way to put it back on. So I put the chain and the charm in my wallet and continued on with my work shift (although my neck felt naked from then on).

After my shift ended, I went home to end my day. Honestly, this day kind of stunk for me from beginning to end. I know I try to always think positively, but sometimes you just have to realize that you are going to have to suffer through the day and hope that the next day is better (it was). I still tried to get things done even though I felt like the world was against me. And while it wasn’t my most productive day, I still did what I needed to do. I just didn’t get everything done.

I hate having a bad day and not being able to reduce it to a bad hour or bad morning. But I have to know those days do pass and it will be back to normal happy days quickly.

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Default ThumbnailOne Last Work Happy Hour (or I Guess I Really Am Unemployed Now) Default ThumbnailMy New Favorite Happy Hour Place (or Free Hot Dogs) Default ThumbnailMy Birthday! (or Laundry, A Bike Ride, and Dinner!) Default ThumbnailAwake for 40 Hours (or I Guess All-Nighters Aren’t Just For College) Default ThumbnailTurning Myself Into A Morning Person (or Continuing On My Productivity Kick) Default ThumbnailAnother Meeting of Mentees (Social Hour and Not Business Hour)

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One Bad Hour (or Hating Panic Attacks And My Gallbladder)

Posted on July 31, 2015 | 2 comments

I’ve been doing pretty well lately as far as my panic attacks go. I still have my “expected” ones when I’m going to go on a plane or have to go to the dentist. Those aren’t fun, but I’m able to prepare for them the best that I can. But I haven’t had to deal with an unexpected one in a while.

When I saw my therapist, he had asked me about my panic attacks. I had told him that I still had my expected ones, but no unexpected ones. I thought he was asking because it’s in my medical record. But it turns out that Vyvanse can make panic attacks worse. I didn’t know that, but fortunately I hadn’t experienced any issues on my original dose. And my therapist had no reason to believe that on this increased dose I would have issues.

But the other evening, not only did I have an epic unexpected panic attack, I had a horrible gallbladder attack as well.

I’ve had a history of gallbladder issues. It’s something that is in my family history and I used to have attacks every few months or so. I had an ultrasound and I don’t think they found gallstones. I was just told that if my attacks became more frequent or painful to come back and we would reevaluate. I may need my gallbladder out, but as of right now it’s staying.

But I haven’t had a gallbladder attack in a while. And I’m not sure if the panic or gallbladder attack came first, but having them together was pretty horrible. I was in incredible pain. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to be in and I was sweating like crazy. I also might have been crying but I really don’t remember. I may have passed out too because time passed that I don’t remember.

This episode lasted about an hour and honestly it was one of the worst hours I’ve had possibly ever (even worse than recovering from hip or tonsil surgery). I really debated calling 911 at times because whenever I have an unexpected panic attack I question if it is that or if it is really a heart attack or something worse. It doesn’t help that a gallbladder attack can feel similar to a heart attack as well.

Once the episode was done, I rested for a minute before trying to get up. I took a shower (all that sweating made me so gross) and then just hung out at my house the rest of the evening. I was supposed to go to an event that evening for Ms. In The Biz, but there wasn’t really a way for me to pull myself together in time (nor did I really feel comfortable driving).

Yes this sucked that I had to go through it. Panic attacks will possibly be a part of my life for forever (although they are getting better) and gallbladder attacks can be a possibility unless I get it out one day. But honestly, it was only one hour of my day and the rest of the day was pretty good (except having to miss that event). And there’s no point in letting one hour ruin everything else that was good about the day.

Even with the horrible hour I was still able to check off things on my happiness checklist for my therapist. I’m choosing to focus on those good hours and not the one bad one. Hopefully this won’t happen again for a long time, but if it does, I think I’m in a much better mindset to deal with it.

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Default ThumbnailAnatomy of a Panic Attack (or How I Spent My Friday Night) Default ThumbnailAn Interesting Plane Flight (or A Return Of My Panic Attacks) Default ThumbnailA Gallbladder Reminder (or Hopefully This Is A Random Event) Default ThumbnailStopping A Panic Attack (or Only One Health Issue At A Time) Default ThumbnailLess Panic At The Dentist (or Am I Finally Over This?) Default ThumbnailSurviving The Dentist (or Testing My Panic Meds)

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Another Therapist Check In (or Showing Off My Happiness Checklist)

Posted on July 23, 2015 | 5 comments

I had another appointment with my therapist this week. Last time I was there, he gave me homework to do over the next 90 days (the number of days between my appointments). I was to make a checklist of 10 things that make me happy and track how many I do each day. The goal wasn’t to do all 10 every day (I don’t think I ever did that), but it was to try to make sure that I at least do some every day.

I did this for 90 days (my appointment ended up being on day 89 so I finished it the day after my appointment). And my checklist looked pretty full.

Old Happiness Checklist

I brought my (almost) completed checklist with me to my appointment to show my doctor. It was the first thing we discussed and honestly I think he was pretty surprised that I did it. He said that many patients start one and only keep it up for a couple of days and others never actually do it. But I wanted to prove that I’m taking this seriously and I’m not just going to therapy to get medication (although that is what started this process).

He told me to continue my checklist for the next 60 days (again, it’s the length of time between my appointments). I had to make a new checklist and I was allowed to keep any or all of the previously happiness items on the list. I decided to keep all but one of them. I changed shopping/beauty because while that does make me happy, my financial situation prevents me from doing it as often as I’d like. Nothing else on my list is restricted by money so I figured that that one was meant to go. In place of shopping/beauty I put binge free day. It’s a bit controversial that I listed lack of eating disorder symptoms as something that makes me happy, but hopefully my therapist will be ok with this.

New Happiness Checklist

After going over my checklist, we discussed how I was doing on Vyvanse. I’ve been very torn about the medication. It has helped a tiny bit (I’d say I’ve had many a 5% improvement) but I don’t want to take something if it isn’t making a significant change in my life. There are side effects that can be dangerous and I want to be in a place where the benefits outweigh the side effects.

My therapist seemed to understand my feelings and how I don’t want to give up on Vyvanse but I don’t know if continuing to take it is the right choice. So we are going to try changing up my dosage to see if that helps. I’m now going to take one pill in the morning and another pill right before lunch time. I just started this yesterday so I have no idea yet how it will really affect me or if it’s going to work a lot better. But I am very hopeful. I have to be since I know that many things can be affected if you are positive or not. So I’m going to remain positive about this and give it the best shot I can.

My therapist said that the best plan is to take the medication and forget about it. I shouldn’t make it the focus of my day (I wonder how he feels about me writing an entire blog post about it?). So if I’m supposed to forget about the medication, I’m going to focus on the happiness checklist and seeing how much I can get checked off in the next 60 days.

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Default ThumbnailUpdate On My Checklist (or Working On Being Happy) Default ThumbnailFollowing My Doctor’s Instructions (or Days Off From Vyvanse) Default ThumbnailAn Easy Therapist Check-In (or Virtual Appointments Make Things Easier) Default ThumbnailOver A Month On Vyvanse (or A Meeting With My Therapist) Default ThumbnailJust A Little Bit More Reflection (or Evaluating My Happiness Checklist) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress)

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