Category Archives: Tough Stuff

More Medical Stuff (or My First Biopsy)

Posted on September 5, 2018 | Comments Off on More Medical Stuff (or My First Biopsy)

Heads up to everyone: Just like with my IUD post, this post is a frank and honest discussion about a biopsy I had done. If the idea of reading about medical procedures or female health makes you uncomfortable or squeamish, you might want to skip this post.

Over the years, I’ve had a lot of random medical conditions and medical tests. I joke to my parents that this has happened to me because I was raised in a family that worked in the medical field so somehow everything seems to happen to me. More often than not, I’m not that concerned about what I find out because I can talk to my parents and get a lot of answers. The only thing that really scared me recently was my tumor, but everything else has been something I just viewed as something new to experience and not something to be fearful of what I will find out.

Last year at my annual appointment with my OB/GYN, I had all the regular tests run as I try to stay on top of all health things including my reproductive health. Everything came back fine, but my OB/GYN let me know that I tested positive for high-risk HPV. For those of you who don’t know that is, here’s some quick information about it (for more information, check out this page). High risk HPV is not the type that can give you warts (that’s low risk HPV). High risk HPV is something that approximately 90% of women will get at one point (currently there is no test for men to see if they have it, but I’d bet numbers are similar). It is contracted by skin to skin contact and a majority of people will fight it off on their own in 1-3 years. If you can’t fight it off, it can lead to cancer but HPV only causes about 3% of cancer in women.

I have no idea who exposed me to this, but it really doesn’t matter. It’s not that big of a deal and it’s normally not something to worry about. I did have the HPV vaccine when I was 24, but that doesn’t protect you against all strains of high risk or low risk HPV. That’s why it’s so important to get checked every year to make sure you are fine. When I was told about this last year, I also knew my Pap smear came back normal so it wasn’t something we had to take action on immediately. My OB/GYN let me know that if my body didn’t fight it off in a year then we would have some more steps to take.

And as much as I would have loved for my body to fight it off within a year, I knew that with my history and the odds I seem to have that it wouldn’t be the case. And I was right. I tested positive for it again with another normal Pap smear. But because my OB/GYN wants to make sure that everything is fine with me and I want to do what I need to do to make sure I’m healthy, I had my first biopsy last week.

I was very fortunate that not only do I have an amazing OB/GYN who is super open and honest with me and could tell me everything I needed to, I was able to talk to my parents about this as well as some friends who have had it done. I knew that this was not being done because my doctor was worried about me but as a precaution to make sure there is nothing we need to watch (kind of the same reason I get mammograms). I still was nervous that this would hurt, but I had been told by friends that getting an IUD was worse so I knew I would be fine with just some painkillers and I could drive myself.

While I wasn’t scared for the results, I was nervous about the procedure and the room I was in for it seemed a bit scarier that the normal exam room to me.

But there wasn’t really anything too scary. I think it was more of being in a room that I hadn’t been in before and the unknown factor. I joked to my doctor that of course she put me in the scary room but she calmed me down quickly and we got started with the biopsy.

The procedure only took a few minutes and it wasn’t that bad. After getting the speculum in, my cervix was washed with a vinegar solution that helps make the cells easier to see. This didn’t hurt and wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just a bit cold. Then my doctor used a colposcope to see my cervix better. The colposcope is a machine that helps to illuminate and magnify things for your doctor. That was also when my doctor decided which biopsies I would need. She determined that I would not need the biopsy where they take a sample from the bottom of my cervix to check the cells as everything looked normal. Then we moved on to the biopsy I did have done.

The biopsy I had took cells from the inside of my cervix where you really can’t see the cells during the exam. There was a small tool used to scrape some of the cells off, similar to what is done during a Pap smear. But this was a little bit longer so I was prepared for it to be more than a tiny pinch. I knew it probably wouldn’t hurt, but of course I was worried that it would. But my friends were right and it didn’t hurt. I did feel it and it was a bit uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t say it was painful. I described it to my doctor as almost like a headache or scratch happening inside my body. It was about 10 seconds long and then that was done. I did feel a bit of a cramp when I sat up after the biopsy and I had some cramps for the next few days, but it wasn’t bad and I didn’t really need painkillers for that long.

Because my Pap smears have been normal and everything looked normal with the visual exam, my doctor is expecting my biopsy to come back normal as well. And if that happens, I go back in a year for my normal exam and hopefully my tests will show that my body has fought off the high risk HPV. And even if the biopsy shows that there are mild abnormality in the cells, I don’t have to go back for a year. It’s only if they appear severely abnormal that I would go back soon for another test. But again, that is not something my doctor is expecting because of all the normal test results I have had.

I should be getting my biopsy results back in the next few days (things were delayed because of the weekend and holiday). And hopefully next year all my tests will come back normal so I don’t have to do another biopsy. But if I do, at least I know what it’s like now and I don’t need to be scared. And I know that for most people hearing a test result isn’t normal or negative can be scary. I wanted to share my experience so others can know it doesn’t need to be. While I don’t love having random medical things happen to me, I’m glad that I can share on here so hopefully someone else going through it can see what I went through and can stop feeling as scared.

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Default ThumbnailHoping For Some Normal (or Fingers Crossed That This Was This Easy) Default ThumbnailFinding A Way To Be High Risk (or Playing The Insurance Game) Default ThumbnailA Medical Afternoon (or Getting In All My Regular Checkups) Default ThumbnailAnother Medical Afternoon (or At Least This Was Easy) Default ThumbnailSome Random Medical Tests (or At Least Getting Blood Work Was Entertaining) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike)

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Learning From Listening (or Another Great Podcast)

Posted on August 31, 2018 | Comments Off on Learning From Listening (or Another Great Podcast)

I’ve shared on here before that I’m a big podcast person. I don’t listen to the radio or to music that often so podcasts are the main thing that I do listen to. While I’m working, I’m almost always listening to one because I have so much downtime between customers. A bunch of the podcasts I listen to are fun or silly, but there are some more serious ones that I listen to as well.

I’m in a Facebook group that is almost like a support group for women who are dating. We share stories, get advice, and just be there for each other online when we need it. Sometimes I will end up posting a rant on there because I need to get it out and I know that at least one person in the group can relate and understand. And I always get amazing advice when I need it from the others. Sometimes, women in that group will share articles they think we will like or have recommendations for books that have helped them. And this week, someone also recommended a podcast.

It’s called Where Should We Begin and it is an unscripted series about couples working through their relationship. The episodes are audio recordings of appointments with Esther Perel, who is a therapist. The podcast takes a 3 hour appointment and condenses it down to under an hour and each episode focuses on one couple so they are standalone episodes. And they are edited down to keep certain details anonymous, but that doesn’t make it feel censored. These episodes are honest and can be a bit brutal to hear sometimes. But when a couple is working through an issue, being that brutal can be necessary. Sometimes the issue really is the issue they need to work through and sometimes that issue is covering for something else deeper that is causing the issue between them.

At first, I was a bit hesitant to listen since I’m not in a couple and I wasn’t sure how I felt about listening to someone else’s therapist session (all of the people on the podcast have consented to this so it’s not like they don’t know that their story is going to be shared with the world). But the woman who recommended it as well as others who commented that they love the podcast shared how listening to it has helped them in many ways. Sometimes it helps them avoid issues that can come up in dating or to work through an issue with someone they are on a date with. And sometimes the lessons learned can be applied to their work life or to their friends.

So I downloaded all the episodes in the first 2 seasons (the third season will be coming out on Audible in October but I don’t know when it will be available for Apple Podcasts) and I quickly went through all the episodes in the first season this week while working. It really has been interesting to listen to these therapy sessions and hearing bits and pieces of their stories that are so similar to mine or things that I connect with. While some of the problems these couples are working through are ones that I’m not familiar with, I can still learn about how to work through issues that I have with some of the tools that Esther Perel has them use. And while I do still feel like a bit of a voyeur listening in to someone else’s therapy session, it’s not as weird as I thought it would be. I don’t think I would ever want my therapy sessions recorded and shared, but that’s just me. These couples are happy to share their stories and it’s wonderful that we can all learn from them.

It’s weird to say that I’ve enjoyed listening to the episodes since they aren’t necessarily happy to listen to. I do like hearing how they can work through their issues, but it is a serious podcast and the issues they have are serious ones. And it is good to have a more serious podcast in my regular listening since I do listen to a lot of more frivolous ones. It’s like with my reading, I like to mix serious books with my fluff. I’m the same way with my podcasts. And I did try to alternate one episode of Where Should We Begin with one of my sillier ones as I listened through the first season.

I’ll probably start working through the second season next week or the week after (I have so many podcasts I listen to so I try to stay on top of them as they come out) and hopefully the third season is released not too long after they start in October on Audible. I don’t know if listening to this will help me in my future relationships, but I know that it can’t hurt. A lot of the issues they are working through are things that I have had in the back of my mind from time to time (mainly about cheating or lack of communication about being unhappy). And hearing these couples work through those issues has helped me realize that if I do end up having to worry about it in the future, there is a way to work through it and not have it end things if that’s not what is wanted.

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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Working Through General Panic Issues (or Dealing With Lack Of Control)

Posted on August 30, 2018 | Comments Off on Working Through General Panic Issues (or Dealing With Lack Of Control)

It’s been a while since I’ve had a panic attack. I’ve had moments of panic and anxiety like when I go to the dentist, but those are different from panic attacks. Those seem to be a duller feeling and even though they last longer they aren’t as bad as an attack. And I still haven’t been having panic attacks, but I’ve been dealing with a lot more of the general and duller anxiety issues.

It’s not coming as a big surprise that I’m dealing with this now. I’ve got a few different things going on in my life that feel out of control and would probably cause someone with no anxiety issues have anxiety. I’ll get into some of these issues more next week, but having my dentist appointment this week as well as the news about my job are big causes of this.

I really hate feeling out of control. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. This is a feeling I have even with fun things. When a new roller coaster opens up and I know I’ll be going on it, I like to watch an on-ride video so I can know what to expect. So being in a situation now where there are multiple things that I cannot control or know what will happen is just bringing me down.

I haven’t taken my panic medication in quite a while. I actually don’t know if I have any left because I don’t know where I stored the bottle. I rarely took them before (usually only before the dentist or flying), but once I started taking Vyvanse I’ve found that I don’t need them for those situations any more. And I’m glad to not need them anymore because I did use them as a crutch. I probably could have gotten through my panic attacks without them, but it was just easy to take them so I didn’t have to deal with it.

Since I don’t know if I have any more medication nor do I want to take them, I have been trying to work on finding ways to make myself feel better this week. When I feel out of control, I know that I need to find ways to be in control. I’ve heard that multiple times in therapy when I was getting help for my panic attacks. You reach for whatever you can to have control over and use that to calm down. Sometimes that has to do with what you choose to schedule in your day or how you spend your free time. Unfortunately for me, a lot of time this control came from controlling food.

I don’t want to use food as a way to control things again. I know I don’t do it in a healthy way and it will always backfire on me. If I use not eating as much as a form of control, that is bad because it can result in a binge episode. If I eat whatever I want as a form of control, then I feel sick and that makes me feel worse about myself. It’s my go-to when I look for control and I’ve been using this week as a way to try out other methods to see if I can find something that makes me feel the same peace and feel as relaxed as I have been when I use food that way.

I haven’t found anything that works as well as food does, but I have found things that do help. I’ve been doing a ton of cleaning in my house this week. I don’t know if I’ve ever cleaned this much, but it is helping me feel some control. I’m also cleaning out things in my house that have been piling up. I’m lucky that tomorrow will be trash day because I have been throwing out a lot of things. I probably have been needing to do this for a while and it does feel nice to have a very clean house. There are also some things that I’m debating about getting rid of so I am putting them in bags and storing them in my house until I know for sure that I don’t need them. The last thing I want to do is get rid of too much stuff and then need to spend money to buy things I really did need to keep.

I know that this uncertainty can come back any time, but I think next week will be better for me. There are a few things that will probably still be an issue next week, but a majority of the things that have been out of my control will be done after this weekend. And hopefully the more I work on good habits to find ways to feel in control, the easier it will be even if it does last through next week.

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Being More Stressed Than Necessary (or Not The Best Dentist Visit)

Posted on August 28, 2018 | Comments Off on Being More Stressed Than Necessary (or Not The Best Dentist Visit)

Even though I really hate going to the dentist and it has caused me lots of panic attacks over the years, I never skip going to an appointment. And lately things have been much better for me and the panic and stress I feel before an appointment have gone down. I don’t think I’ll ever say I enjoy going to the dentist, but it’s not as bad as it has been in the past. But this month, I was supposed to go to the dentist a few weeks ago and I had to change my appointment the morning of.

Unfortunately, my dentist appointment happened to land on a day that was an exceptionally bad nausea day. I was hoping that morning that things would get better, but about 2 hours before my appointment I realized that I couldn’t go. I didn’t want to risk throwing up at the appointment, especially since my head is the lowest part of my body when I’m in the dentist chair. Usually there is a fee for rescheduling the day off, but since I never do this the office was able to waive it for me. And they also were able to reschedule the appointment for this week when I knew it was very unlikely to have a bad nausea day.

While I was grateful for getting the appointment moved, it actually ended up causing me so much anxiety. I always am worried I will get horrible news about my teeth at the appointment and in my head I was thinking that waiting the extra 2 weeks for my appointment would make things so much worse. In reality, I know this really couldn’t be true. If there was something wrong with my teeth, 2 weeks wouldn’t make a huge difference. And if it would make a huge difference, it probably would have been something that was seen when I was there a few months ago. But still, knowing that my anxiety was a bit crazy wasn’t helping me and making it go away. So the past 2 weeks I was on edge about it all.

When I went in for my appointment yesterday, I was a huge bundle of nerves when I arrived. I was shaking and couldn’t get all the anxious thoughts out of my head. I am so lucky that the hygienist I work with understands my anxiety so she does things to help make them better. She checked my teeth first to see if there was anything that concerned her and she was able to tell me that there was nothing there that seemed like something to monitor. That helps the anxiety go away a bit. It’s still not fun while my teeth get cleaned and I’m always pinching myself or doing something else to distract me from what’s happening. It doesn’t necessarily hurt, but I still have the feeling that something is going to go wrong.

One of the reasons I was feeling that way is because I’ve been dealing with some odd things with my teeth and gums. Usually during the time that I have PMS symptoms, my gums bleed when I brush my teeth and occasionally there is a tooth that feels not right. Sometimes it feels like I have a tooth that is loose, but when I feel it the tooth feels normal. I brought this up during my dentist appointment and it turns out these things are not uncommon. Hormonal changes can do weird things and having bleeding gums or teeth that might feel loose are a symptom of some inflammation that can happen due to hormones. I was relieved to know that it was not a sign of something wrong, but I know that each time it happens I will be a bit paranoid that it’s the sign of something else besides hormonal inflammation.

Once my appointment was done, I finally felt normal again. I was not shaking and I could get the panicky thoughts out of my head. It was weird to have such a panicky dentist appointment since they have been much better lately. I’m glad that my panic was all in my head and nothing was wrong, but I also know that delaying my appointment might have contributed to this as well. So I’m going to try not to have to change my appointment that close to the date again. I am hoping that the timing of when I scheduled my next appointment will work, but I also know now to take a look at things a month ahead to make sure it should be fine with when I feel nauseous.

I hate feeling anxious, panicky, and stressed going to the dentist; but it’s also not the worst thing either. As my hygienist mentioned at my appointment, this also means I’m very aware of what is happening with my teeth. I know that genetically I don’t have great teeth and that I have to be on top of taking care of them. I have a good electric toothbrush, floss pretty much every day, and use the toothpaste and mouthwash that my dentist recommends. And I go every 4 months to make sure everything is fine. This is a much better situation to be in than if I was ignoring problems or not paying attention to what’s happening until it’s too late.

I’m just glad I made it through this appointment and I’m hoping that maybe my anxiety level will go back down to where it was last time before my next appointment.

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It Sucks To Say Goodbye (I Don’t Like It When My Friends Move Away)

Posted on August 17, 2018 | Comments Off on It Sucks To Say Goodbye (I Don’t Like It When My Friends Move Away)

I’ve lived in LA for almost 17 years (more on that next week when it’s my anniversary of moving to LA), and in those 17 years most of the friends I’ve made here have stayed here. In college, I didn’t have a ton of friends who were in school with me. And a few of them have moved away from LA after college or after a few years of working in LA. And the friends that I have met outside of school have almost always stayed here.

I understand it can be tough to live in LA. It’s not easy for me. If I wasn’t pursing acting and didn’t love LA I could have a much better financial quality of life living somewhere else. The money I make at 1 job would possibly be enough to support myself on instead of having to hustle and find random jobs to fill in the gaps. But I love living here and the struggle is worth it. But I’m also single and don’t have kids so I only have myself to think about. And when my friends have had to move away, it has always been for a reason that makes perfect sense and I know they are doing the best thing for themselves and their family.

Because it’s not that often that I have friends who move away, it is tough when I have to say goodbye to a friend who is leaving. And unfortunately, that was the case this past weekend. 2 of my friends (who I know through the group that I attend all the epic parties with) and their kids are moving back east. They  have family there and it will be awesome for their kids to be raised near family. I know they don’t want to leave LA, but they have to do what is the best thing for their family and right now moving away is the best thing.

Of course, there was a party to say goodbye to them. It was a smaller gathering than most of them because they wanted to focus on saying goodbye to each person who attended. And it was nice to have time to talk to them and the other friends of mine who were there. We were all enjoying watching their kids play with all the other kids at the party (one day kids are going to outnumber the adults there!) and we were saying how there are so many ways we can stay in touch even though they will be living far away.

Social media has made it easier when people move away. You can stay informed on what is happening in their lives and still feel connected. And since karaoke is such a big part of these parties, we realized we could do Skype karaoke while they are back east! We could project them on Skype on the wall of the garage (where the karaoke lyrics are usually projected) and they can participate. I brought that idea up to Marie and Chris and I think they love it. I can’t wait to see the first party that involves Skype karaoke and I think that maybe more people who can’t attend the parties in person are going to take advantage of it!

Everyone was trying to stay upbeat, but you could tell there was a bit of sadness with everyone not wanting to say goodbye. Like I said, it’s not something I have to do that often and it’s not an easy thing to do. I cherish my friends so much and it’s never easy to know that I won’t be seeing one of them as often as I like to. But I also am happy that they are going to be moving to be closer to their family and that their kids are excited about it (although I wonder if they understand it since they are little). And I also know that a move doesn’t have to be forever and there is a chance they will move back to LA one day.

Also, I have a feeling that eventually they will come back to LA for a visit since they have so many friends here. And if it’s around a party that normally happens they will be at the party like normal. And if it’s not around a party, I know that a party will be created for them because having them back in town will be a reason to celebrate! And when we have a reunion of our party group, it’s going to be an epic party and I can’t wait until that happens!

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So Grateful To Work From Home (or Just Getting Through The Day)

Posted on August 15, 2018 | Comments Off on So Grateful To Work From Home (or Just Getting Through The Day)

Despite the fact that I have had to deal with my horrible hormonal nausea issues for almost 2 years, it still takes me by surprise many times when it hits me. Sometimes it’s because I thought maybe I’d be escaping the issues that month and sometimes I think I forget how bad things can get for me. I have multiple remedies and prescriptions to help me, but it doesn’t always work. I’m continuing to work with my doctor to find what other things I can do, but since the best remedy (any form of hormonal birth control) is not an option for me it can be tough to figure out what I can do. It’s a lot of trial and error and it can be a long process to find what will work.

I knew this week was potentially going to be a bad week for me, but since it wasn’t that bad for me last week I was optimistic. I am grateful that I track things so that I am aware when I might feel horrible, and it’s always a pleasant surprise when I feel completely normal. I woke up on Monday not feeling so great and tried my best to do what I could. But I was getting sick and in a lot of pain and just had to suffer through it. I was able to reschedule a dentist appointment I was supposed to have then because I was terrified to get sick there (so I guess that’s one good thing my nausea got me). It wasn’t the worst I had felt but it was also not nothing and I just had to take it easy and hope I would feel better the next day.

When trying to sleep on Monday night, I was miserable. Nothing I had was helping me and I know that I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I was tossing and turning and getting up every 30 minutes or so to try to stretch out or take some painkillers. Tuesday morning I needed to work and I don’t know if I’ve ever been more grateful to work from home. We are at the end of our slow season so there was a bit of downtime between customers. I spent that downtime laying on my couch or on the floor to try to feel better. I was moving my body around to find how to make the pain go away and I know I looked crazy.

If this had happened at any of my old day jobs, I don’t know what I would have done. This pain is the exact reason I was put on the pill to begin with. I didn’t want to have to suffer while in school or trying to work and have to miss several days of whatever I was doing to stay home. I’m so grateful that I’m at home while I work so I can do all the crazy things I might need to do to try to feel better. All of my remedies are here so I can try whatever I need to. And worst case, I can bring my computer and phone with me into my bed and I can work from there. But I try not to do that since it is so much easier to type on a desk than on my bed.

I hate feeling like I’m complaining about this because I know that some people have it much worse than I do. But I’ve also noticed that when I have written about things like this that people reach out to me saying they have the same issue. Sometimes they find something in my post that helps them and sometimes they have something to recommend for me to try.

I am cautiously optimist that things might get better from me. When I starting dealing with this all again, I was averaging almost 2 weeks a month of pain and nausea. The last few months it’s been closer to a week or a week and a half of issues. And last month was just a week. I don’t think it will ever go away completely but if it could stay just a week or be more mild than it has been in the past I would be so happy. I hate the feeling that I’m missing out on things or not able to do what I need because of something that happens every month for me.

But for now, I’m just trying to make it through however many days I will feel like this and will try to figure out any other things I can do while working to try to feel better.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff, Work

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A Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In)

Posted on August 8, 2018 | Comments Off on A Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In)

It’s been a while since I’ve seen my new therapist. I actually have only had 1 in-person appointment with her when she started treating me. A month after that appointment I had a phone call appointment with her to check-in about my new medication dosage and to discuss any issues. After my phone call, I was supposed to have a video chat with her for my next appointment, but I had to change that. The time I originally set up for that was no longer a time I could be at my computer and when I called in to reschedule I was only given the options to do an in-office appointment or another phone call. I figured it was easier to do a phone call so I went with that.

My call with my therapist was this week and I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect out of it. Since my other phone appointment was more about checking in with the medication, we didn’t discuss much else beyond that. And I’m used to my appointments with my other therapist where medication wasn’t really something we discussed beyond that I was doing ok. I was much more used to discussing everything else in life and getting homework. This new therapist is still new to me and I don’t feel like I know her as well as I knew my old therapist, so I just was trying to stay open-minded and keep plenty of time open for this new phone call.

The first thing my therapist asked me about on the call was how I was doing on my medication. I told her how the adjustment period was much longer than expected but that I was feeling pretty normal now. I do still feel like it is helping me although I wish it helped even more. But I realize that it is just an aid to help in binge eating and not a cure so I still have to do work on my own. But even knowing that, it would be amazing if it was a cure and it would fix everything for me.

After letting her know that I’m doing ok and I think that this is a good dosage for me, my therapist let me know that she was a bit hesitant about things because in her experience most patients don’t have positive results or feel like it helps enough. She kept me on it before because I was on it from my last therapist and just wanted to do what she felt would be an appropriate dosage to have me really see if it helps. I don’t know if she was expecting me to say it’s not helping or I’m not happy, but I’m glad that it does work for me and that she is willing to work with me on things.

We really didn’t discuss too much outside of the medication or my eating disorder. We didn’t discuss any new or old stresses in my life, but I honestly feel like I have been dealing with them in better and healthier ways than I have in the past. Even with the bad things that have happened lately I feel a bit more calm and rational when dealing with them. Or if I don’t feel rational and calm, I’m not as rash to act on them and I usually let it sit until I can deal with them in a better way. I know my medication has nothing to do with this, but it still is a positive change in my life that I’m happy with.

My call with my therapist was very brief and I was surprised by that. I’m sure if I had more to talk about with her I could have had a longer call, but I didn’t feel like that was necessary. I discussed the few things I needed to with her and she feels comfortable with keeping me on my medication and at the dosage I’m at right now. She ordered my next refill for when I need it and will approve the refill after that (those refills will get me through the next 6 months). It’s what I wanted out of the appointment and I’m glad it was very simple to get that.

My next appointment with her will be in 6 months. Because that will be a year after the last time she saw me, it has to be either an in-person appointment or a video chat. It was easier to schedule the video chat, plus it saves me the drive and the parking costs, so I’ll be doing the video chat I was supposed to do this time. That will be my first video chat with my therapist so just like with this call I honestly don’t know what to expect out of it. I’m not worried about what will happen or think that she will think anything is wrong with me, but it’s still a bit of an unknown.

But for now, I’m just happy I got this super quick check-in done and it went well. I wanted to make sure she felt ok with me continuing with my plan and that’s exactly what I got out of it. I know that I’ve done a lot of work on myself outside of therapy and I don’t feel like it’s stuff I need to go into super detail about with my therapist because it is going well. But it’s good to know that I do have someone I trust and feel is really looking out of me if I did need more than what I am getting now or if things take a turn that I’m not ok with.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Virtual Doctor Appointment (or Planning Some Next Steps) Default ThumbnailSome More Virtual Therapy (or Trying Another Medication) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress) Default ThumbnailAnother Quick Therapy Appointment (or Video Appointments Make Things Easy) Default ThumbnailA Good Therapy Check In (or Focus On The Good) Default ThumbnailAn Easy Therapist Check-In (or Virtual Appointments Make Things Easier)

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Is This A Year Of Being Selfish? (or A Month Of Saying No)

Posted on August 1, 2018 | 1 comment

It’s so weird when I look back at my monthly challenges as they rack up throughout the year. This year and last year I didn’t really have challenges planned out the way I did the first time and many times I’m picking a challenge out at the last minute. And as I’ve been looking back at some of the challenges I’ve been doing this year, it seems like the common theme has been that I’ve been doing more selfish challenges. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing as I’ve been realizing that I’ve been putting myself last quite a bit, but I do think I want to work on other types of challenges in the future. But this month won’t be the month to change.

First, a quick recap on last month’s challenge. I did not use my pressure mat every single day, but I did use it more often than not last month. I do want to get into a better habit of using it because I do feel the difference when I take the time to use it. I’m still looking at guides online for ideas of ways to use it and lay on it, but most of the time I just like laying on my back letting it work on my neck, shoulders, and back. It feels really good and I have enjoyed not having some of the back and neck pain I’ve been dealing with for a little while. I’m working on a system of when would be a good time each day to use it or maybe a plan for what days I will use it in different ways, but it’s a work in progress.

Last month’s challenge wasn’t my most successful one as far as consistency goes, but that’s what inspired this month’s challenge. About 2 1/2 years ago I read the book “Year Of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes and it was so inspiring! It made me realize how often I was saying no to opportunities that I really should have taken advantage of. I was scared for a variety of reasons to say yes to things and I knew that I needed to stop letting that hold me back. While I didn’t say yes to everything that came my way, I was saying yes much more often.

I’ve tried to keep doing that whenever possible and when I had to turn down an invitation or couldn’t do something I wanted to I felt so guilty about it. I hated to let someone down and even though I know that I wasn’t letting people down if I couldn’t attend something, it still was in my head that I was. It’s a tough habit to break but I’ve been working on this feeling for a while.

But then this year I’ve been doing some more things to put myself first and not feel like I have to say yes to everything. My first challenge this year was related to that with allowing myself to be selfish. But that didn’t connect with me as much as it should have and I have been back in the habit of saying yes more often that I probably would like to and feeling guilty when I say no. I am not trying to be totally selfish and that is something that I don’t think I could ever do, but I do want to feel ok saying no when I want to and not have the feelings of guilt.

The one aspect of my life where I have been more successful with this has been with dating. And I’m not taking about saying no if a guy is pressuring me to do something (if they try that they will regret it). I mean not going out with a guy just because they asked me out. I’ve realized that I have been having dates with more quality guys lately. There still have been some duds, but they are not as often as they were when I started back on the various apps. As someone else pointed out to me, I’ve been getting more selective and willing to block or unmatch with someone who I don’t want to talk to anymore. I don’t have any guilt over doing that and I’m more than happy to stop wasting my time with someone who I don’t want to meet.

Obviously it’s different to say no to something a friend is inviting you out to compared to blocking a guy online that you’ve never met and is starting to bother you. But it’s still the same idea and I need to take some of the lack of guilt and fear I have with guys and apply it to other parts of my life. I need to find the balance with putting myself first and still being a good friend to others and taking chances on things that I might not automatically think I should do or attend.

I think that the reason this has been so tough for me to do has been that I’ve worked hard on saying yes more often and now I’m out of the habit of saying no. And I’ve had a lot of fun saying yes to things when I originally felt like I should turn down. I also like having fun and random things to do because it gives me things to write about.

I’ve realize in the past month or so that I do need to be more selfish. I don’t think saying yes got me sick, but I think stressing about doing things might have made my cold thing last longer. I also think that feeling down had a lot to do with trying to force myself to do things I wasn’t sure about and the guilt I felt if I didn’t go. I have spent so many times making my monthly challenges about being selfish and reconnecting to myself, but I haven’t really been able to accomplish it the way I needed to.

So this month, I’m working on saying no more often. There will be a lot of fun things to do this month (it’s my birthday month!) so I’ll have lots of things I want to say yes to. But I also know there should be plenty of time to work on saying no or at least allowing myself time to debate if I want to say yes or not. I’m not sure if I’ll be successful in this challenge or not, but I am giving myself a much more measurable challenge and something that has action steps to it.

I’m not exactly sure what I am hoping this month will result in for me, but I’m excited to see how it goes and what happens. If nothing else, it will give me some more self-reflection and permission to focus on doing what I want to instead of what is offered to me.

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Default ThumbnailRecapping A Few Challenges From Last Month (or Getting Ready Stop Going Easy On Myself) Default ThumbnailA Challenge For A Weird Month (or French And Deep Breaths) Default ThumbnailFirst Monthly Challenge Of The Year (or Setting Up For The Year And Self-Improvement) Default ThumbnailMy August Challenge (or Being Selfish To Be Happy) Default ThumbnailFirst Monthly Challenge Of 2018 (or Time To Be A Bit Selfish) Default ThumbnailHow Is This Month/Year/Decade Almost Over? (or I Think Everyone Is Shocked It’s Almost January)

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Just A Day Can Turn Things Around (or Things Are Getting Better)

Posted on July 27, 2018 | Comments Off on Just A Day Can Turn Things Around (or Things Are Getting Better)

First of all, thank you to those of you who reached out to me after reading my post yesterday. Like I said in the post, I have had a rough month and it was getting tough but I was ok. I knew things would turn around eventually and being honest and open that life isn’t always amazing is something I strive to do. Normalizing shifts in moods helps others understand that they don’t always have to be perfect or happy. But I still appreciated those of you who checked in with me to make sure I was ok and to see if I needed anything.

Just getting that response really did help me feel better. While I know that I have people in my life who love me and care about me, sometimes when you are in those negative places you can think otherwise or that they are only superficial friends. It doesn’t help that I also had someone in my life who liked to tell me when I was growing up that nobody loved me and that anyone who claims to care about me was lying or only after something. But seeing messages from friends reminded me that I am important to people and that they do care about my well-being.

Many times when I write posts on here that are a bit more negative they are very cathartic and therapeutic for me. I need to get whatever is bothering me off my chest and the easiest way for me to do that is to write about it on here. There are times where those negative things are occupying my thoughts so much that it’s the only thing I can write about. But even when I don’t like writing about it because I like to keep this blog fun, I know they are important posts to write. And it’s always a relief when I finish the post and get it out into the world because in a way it allows me to move it out of my thoughts.

After I wrote that post, things finally started to get better and I was getting out of the funk I was in. It wasn’t just getting the post out and the outreach from my friends that turned it around, but that was a big part of it too. I forgot to mention in my post that I was also stressed due to some job things. One of my day jobs is a contract job and it was up in the air if I would be getting another contract when my current one ends this fall. Even though that isn’t my main day job, I depend on that money. And to think that I might be out of that paycheck soon was terrifying and I had been putting off looking for a new job. But I found out that it is looking good that I will be getting another contract. It may still be at the reduced hours I’m currently working at, but that’s better than nothing.

I also was doing some planning with my blog posts coming up in my editorial calendar and noticed that I do have a lot of fun things coming up in the next month or so. Even though some of them aren’t right away and I know there will be some down time between all the fun stuff, just reminding myself that I have them coming up helped to improve my mood. It’s funny how just the reminder of good things happening soon can make me feel that much better. I don’t usually review my calendar that often or look too far ahead, but maybe I should be doing that every so often.

I know that getting over this funk doesn’t mean that it won’t be happening again soon for me. I’m hyperaware of my moods and feelings and try to make sure I take care of myself before it gets too bad. This time I did procrastinate on taking care of myself which is why I think it got to me as much as it did. But I was able to use the tools I have and depend on my amazing friends to help me when it just felt really bad.

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Default Thumbnail1500 Posts (or This Really Is Just A Part Of My Life) Default ThumbnailGoing Out Because I Blog (or What Came First?) Default ThumbnailMissed Milestone (or 1,009 Posts!) Default ThumbnailWorking On Self Care (or Going Back To My Checklist) Default ThumbnailTrying To Get Past A Rough Patch (or I Know This Funk Is Temporary) Default ThumbnailThis Month Hasn’t Quite Gone The Way I Thought It Would (or Just Being Honest)

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This Month Hasn’t Quite Gone The Way I Thought It Would (or Just Being Honest)

Posted on July 26, 2018 | 3 comments

I’ve never tried to only show the good parts of my life on here. I know some people only share the good and happy things on social media (and if I’m being honest I tend to share those much more often than anything negative or sad), but I’ve always tried to be honest and upfront about where I am and how I’m doing. And the honest truth is that this month has been exceptionally rough for me.

It hasn’t been due to one thing in particular and nothing has been really bad. But I’ve had enough little things that got to me that added up and have made things a bit of a struggle lately. I’m not depressed or at any risk of harming myself, but it does make me upset that I’m not feeling as happy as I should or that things that I know make me happy aren’t really doing that for me the way they did before. I will also say that I have an appointment with my therapist soon so I will be discussing this with her and making sure I’m doing all the things I should be doing for me.

Getting over being sick and dealing with feeling nauseous has been something I’ve dealt with for a while. My energy hasn’t been as high as it usually is and I am feeling more exhausted by things. I have been working on doing more things because I know that sometimes being bored and lazy can make your energy levels low, but it’s not easy. I also have been struggling with the heat waves we’ve had lately. I know that my body is really affected by the heat and I just have to go with the flow when that happens. I tell myself that when my clothes are fitting me when I know they should and it’s very hot out that it’s not that I gained weight. But it’s hard to get the voice out of my head that says that it’s my fault and not the weather’s.

I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed by online dating. I’m still having fun and have met some nice guys, but I’m ready to be done with it. I said before how I miss not caring and that’s one of the best ways to explain how I feel. I hate that I’m feeling hurt by some of the guys I’ve met. More often that not I’m just annoyed by some of the behavior I’m encountering (like guys who unmatch with me minutes before we are supposed to meet up) but there have been some guys who have ghosted me after one or two dates and it just gets to me. Nobody deserves to be ghosted and I wish these guys could be adult enough to say that they weren’t interested in seeing me again instead of having me wonder for a little bit what happened. I’ve reviewed some of these guys in my head and I don’t think that in most cases I’ve done anything wrong. But I’m trying to learn and also trying to limit how much time I spend on the various apps because it can just be too much at times.

And despite my best efforts, my self-care has been lacking this month. I’ve had some big ideas of things I wanted to do to make sure I was taking care of myself and they just didn’t happen. I’ve tried to get back into it this week as I’ve realized that this has been something I wasn’t doing, but it’s not easy to get back into a habit that was barely a habit when you dropped it. I’m going to start working on a schedule that I can add to my reminders app so that different self-care things aren’t forgotten even if my days get crazy and I feel overwhelmed again.

Like with so many things in my life, once I realized that this was happening and that this month was getting a bit more negative that I would like I was able to start working on turning things around. That was one of the things that motivated me to go to the movies with my friends this week. Even thought this month is almost over there is still time to turn it around and end the month on a much more positive note. I also know that having some down weeks can be a normal part of life and doesn’t mean that something is really wrong with me. It can feel like I’m in a deep hole when I’m in the middle of it, but when I make it through I know that it’s not usually as bad as it seemed before. I just need to get to the other side of this and get back to the happier life that I love to have.

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Default ThumbnailJust A Day Can Turn Things Around (or Things Are Getting Better) Default ThumbnailIs This A Year Of Being Selfish? (or A Month Of Saying No) Default ThumbnailMaking It Through A Tough Week (or I’m Glad I’m Scheduling Some Fun) Default ThumbnailRefocusing And Getting Back To Me (or Doing A Bit Of The Same This Month) Default ThumbnailTaking A Month To Reset (or This Doesn’t Really Feel Like A Monthly Challenge) Default ThumbnailBeing As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward)

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