Posted onFebruary 15, 2019|Comments Off on Pain Distracts From Other Pain (or The Rain Isn’t Too Bad This Time)
LA is pretty spoiled with our weather, but lately we have had multiple storms hitting us with several days of rain. I know the rain is a good thing and LA and the entire state needs it, but I also miss our normal sunny weather. It is true that so many LA drivers have no idea how to drive in the rain and the roads can be scary with people driving crazy. I also don’t love having to do my errands in the rain like my laundry because I don’t want to get an umbrella out just to cross my driveway nor do I like being wet. I’m aware that this is not a great quality that I have, but I blame it on not having to deal with rain often while growing up. I missed creating good rainy weather habits and skills.
But the main thing I dislike about the rain is that is usually causes me quite a bit of hip pain. I’ve been dealing with this since I had my hip surgery, and I was expecting it to happen after the surgery. I know that people who have broken bones have issues with pain during the rain, and my hip surgery basically caused a broken bone on the top of my femur. The pain can be pretty bad sometimes and make me even less motivated to get out of my house and do anything.
Fortunately, with how infrequent the rain is here, I don’t deal with this too often. And when I do, I’m usually grateful to have a day that is requiring me to slow down and be lazy. I know I can forget to take time for myself sometimes, and having this days of pain are a reminder to take care of myself and that sometimes it’s ok to not do anything. I also continuously am grateful that I work from home because my days of pain don’t affect my ability to work. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to be in an office for work and how I would deal with the pain. I remember it occasionally being an issue at past jobs, but I also think I was taking painkillers more often than I do now.
Sometimes the pain isn’t too bad and I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had a lot of horrible days with all the recent storms. Maybe it’s because there have been so many storms back to back so my body doesn’t have to deal with as many weather fluctuations. Or maybe with the back to back rain it just gets easier to deal with (or I’m getting more used to it). But the other idea I have is that right now it isn’t as bad because I have other pain going on and it’s distracting me.
The pain in my face has been getting better every day, but it’s still not great. My jaw looks and feels very swollen and it’s not easy to do a lot of things. I’m slowly introducing soft foods back into my diet after being on liquid things only for a few days. I also am starting to notice some bruises around the incision and I think that’s probably a good sign of this healing nicely. I’ve got a few more days with the stitches in and I’m ready for them to be out. They are weird and I am very paranoid that things aren’t going right with them. But I know I’m fine and just acting crazy.
Pain is never fun for me, but it is a regular part of my life. I don’t know if that will ever change and I don’t expect it to. I just get to learn how to be better at managing it. And this time, my pain management is other pain and I am getting a kick out of that. I don’t know how often I’d be hoping for pain, but it’s a nice thing for me right now. And hopefully by next week, I’ll be out of pain because both the rain is done and my face will be more healed. I’m a little worried about pain after the stitches come out, but I know that it will probably be much easier than the pain I had when they went in. And then I can focus on making the scar fade as quickly as possible!
Posted onFebruary 7, 2019|Comments Off on Another Virtual Doctor Appointment (or Planning Some Next Steps)
Things have changed a few times for me since I started back in therapy. With my old therapist, my appointments started much more frequent but eventually went to twice a year. But those appointments were always in person and that’s what I expected them to be. When I got my new therapist, she offered the option to do virtual appointments. I’ve done a phone appointment with her before and that worked really well for me. I’m not doing therapy now to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. I know what my issues are and I know the steps I need to take. It’s more about implementing those ideas now. My appointments are check-ins that are almost exclusively about my medication.
When I did my last appointment over the phone, my therapist let me know that at least once a year she has to be able to see me for an appointment. That can mean a regular in person appointment, but it can also be a video chat appointment. We both agreed that a video appointment would be best as it’s easiest and we knew the check-in wasn’t anything too serious.
I’m very happy with these alternative appointment options. First, it seems like those appointments are free (I know the phone one was, and I haven’t gotten a bill or anything for the video one) which is nice considering the regular appointments are about $80. I also get to save money on parking because there are no good free parking options by the office so I have to pay to use their parking lot. And these appointments are much faster for me since I don’t have to drive over there and wait for my appointment time.
This video chat appointment was my first time using the Kaiser video system. I was planning on using it on my computer, however the versions of different web browsers I have are too good for the system (I was shocked that the web browsers had to be 2 versions older than what I use). But I was able to use the video chat through the Kaiser app on my phone. It felt a bit like a Skype call when I was looking at the screen getting things set up.
I was logged in and ready to go 10 minutes before my appointment, so I set my phone down next to me and did some work while I waited for my therapist to log in. I figured it wouldn’t be right at my appointment time, but it was only a few minutes after which is much better than most in-person appointments are.
As expected, the check-in was pretty basic. She asked me if I was doing ok on my current dosage, which I am. I shared some issues I have been having such as sometimes taking it a bit too late if I’m having a lazy morning (I’m working on not doing that and if I have a lazy morning at least get up to take my meds early). I also shared how I think taking both pills in the morning is helping my anxiety because I’m not worried about remembering to take my dose in the middle of the day. I’m much happier with all my medication in the morning and I find that it is working just as well as it was when I was splitting them up. It’s still not a miracle medication and I do struggle from time to time, but that’s normal and expected.
I think my therapist was pretty happy with everything I was saying. I know that she doesn’t usually prescribe Vyvanse because she hasn’t seen a lot of success with it, and I know that I really am not a success story yet. I wish that my weight was down more than it is right now and I know that she was expecting that too. So she brought up the idea of adding other medications that might help with both weight loss and mental health.
I would love to be on something that would make me lose weight. But I am also hesitant to add anything else to my routine that is a mood stabilizer. I am having the least amount of anxiety and panic in my life that I can remember and I don’t want to mess that up. I know that my anxiety should have gotten worse, but for some reason it got better for me. And I don’t know what adding another medication may do to that.
I told my therapist exactly that and explained that I really don’t know if I want to try anything new. She really thinks it would be beneficial for me, but she agrees that if I’m not feeling on board with the idea that we shouldn’t do it now. But she gave me the name of the medication so I can do some research on my own and I can go into my next appointment with her understanding more about the medication so we can talk about it more. I know that some of my hesitation was not knowing anything about the medication and wondering about it, so having time to do some research will probably help. And I’m guessing if she still feels like it would benefit me when I see her again, that I’ll agree to go on it.
But for now, everything is staying the same with my plan. I am not changing any medication and I need to keep working on what I’ve been working on. I haven’t made all the changes I should have, but I am trying to get there and that’s the path I need to keep going down. And most likely in 6 months when I have my next appointment, there will be some changes made. But at least I know what is coming up and I can prepare for it.
I said last week in my post about my workouts how I didn’t want to keep making excuses for why I was using the bike over the treadmill. And of course, this week I feel like I do need to explain myself a bit. But at least it’s not because of my normal reasons. This past week, my workouts were a struggle because of weird issues with my body. Over the weekend leading up to this past week, I hurt my neck. I think I slept on it funny, but it was causing me a lot of pain through the week. I know it’s nothing too bad, but it still affected me. And once that was starting to feel better toward the end of the week, I did something to my hips and quad muscles. It might have been another weird sleep thing, but I knew I had to go easy on my body. I guess I should be grateful that I am used to working with limitations because I was still able to get some good work done this past week.
Monday’s workout was a very interesting class. When you were on the treadmills you had cardio/floor work and the other half of class was doing rowing and cardio work. The pacing of things were determined by the person who started each block on the cardio side. We had 3 blocks on each side, but since we switch stations during the block it really felt more like 6 blocks on each side.
When you started on cardio, every time you started with a distance run (I was on the bike). There was a time limit 3 minutes for getting to the distance, but most of us were done in 2 minutes or under. After completing the distance, you headed to the floor. The first block had single arm neutral full thrusters and burpees. The second block had skater lunges and push ups. And the last block had hip hinge reverse flys and lunges. Everything in that block seemed to go by so quickly, but we made up for cardio time when we were doing the other half of the workout.
When you started on the rower, you rowed until the person on your treadmill was done with their distance. Then you switched to the treadmill (or bike) to be at base pace until the last 3 minutes of the block. Those last 3 minutes were a push pace, base pace, and all out pace. We repeated that for all 3 blocks we started on the rower. This workout was much more cardio and strength work, but it was a nice challenge to have and it felt very different from what I’m used to which made it fun.
Wednesday’s workout was an endurance day and we stayed in each section of the room for 15 minutes before switching so we had 1 lap around the room. For cardio, we had push paces to base paces for a few rounds. The push pace and base pace matched each time and we started with 2 minutes each and went down to 60 seconds each ending with a 30 second all out pace. I stuck with my normal resistance levels for the bike but tried to work with the speed a little. It wasn’t anything amazing, but I was able to just keep going which is sometimes all I can ask for in a workout.
On the rower, we started with a 250 meter row and then had arm raises using the mini-bands. Each time we were back on the rower we decreased the row but kept the arm raises the same. I decided to try using the medium mini-band for the arm raises to see if I could do it. Normally I would use the lightest one, but I was able to use the medium one without too much trouble. I could really feel the difference in how hard I was working, but it wasn’t so hard that I struggled with completing them. We don’t use the mini-bands that often, but I think I need to start using harder mini-bands with my arms.
For the floor, we had a really challenging workout. Normally, we do all the exercises in a block one after another so we don’t feel too exhausted or burned out. The idea of this workout was to get burned out. For all exercises we had 12, 10, 8, 6, and 4 reps; but we had to do all those rounds of each exercise before moving on to the next exercise. We had one leg squats using the bench, lunges, sumo squats, lunges with weights, and single arm shoulder presses. I sometimes would just try to do as many as I could in a set before a break and just made sure that they all added up to 40 reps (the total we had to do), but I also tried to split them up properly when I could. It wasn’t easy, but it was such a relief when we got to move on to the next exercise.
Friday’s workout was a power day, and even though we only had 1 lap around the room we had 4 little blocks on cardio and the rower which helped the time go by quicker. The blocks were the same length on both sides. We started at 2 minutes and then had 2 1/2, 3, and 3 1/2 minute blocks to follow.
For cardio, we started with a 1 minute push, 30 second base, and 30 second all out. Then we had a push before the all out. Then the base pace got longer for the last two blocks. My legs and hips were feeling the worst this day so it was a struggle to use the bike. I used my normal resistance levels but I was pedaling very slowly. Even my base pace resistance level felt like a hill to me and it was hard not to feel frustrated. I know that I didn’t pick to feel this way and doing something is better than nothing and I tried to focus on that as much as I could.
On the rower, every block started with a 200 meter row and then we had exercises with weights to finish out the block. First we had front raises and then each block we added on something else. We added hip hinge low rows, sumo squats to front raises, and shoulder presses. I might have gone a bit too heavy with the weights for this work but I really felt like I had to make up for what I didn’t get to do on the bike. And on the floor, we had one long block that had all medicine ball work. We started with woodchoppers and then had 3 rounds of lunges to tricep extensions and sit-ups to shoulder presses. Then we had more woodchoppers and rounds of side lunges to front presses and sit-ups to torso rotations. While my legs didn’t hurt too bad with this block, it wasn’t easy on my neck. I know that I have to go easy when my neck is feeling weird because it would be very bad to hurt my neck more. I took breaks when I needed them and tried to be very aware of my posture and how I was holding my body.
Saturday’s workout was a 3 partner workout and it was a special workout for Australia Day (although I don’t know how the workout connected to that). Also, while my neck was still a little sore my hips were feeling better so I was excited to work with partners and not scared I’d be holding them back.
We started with 3 minute blocks on each section of the room before we partnered up. We had a 3 minute run (or bike) for distance, 3 minute row for distance, and 3 minutes doing floor work ending with burpees until time was called. We had to remember our distances and how many burpees we did and then we got into groups of 3.
For a majority of the workout, we were doing the partner workout. Each of us was trying to match what we did in those 3 minute blocks and whoever finished first started the switch. So it could be the person on the floor, rower, or bike who finished first. I was lucky with my partners that we were all using the bike so that made things a bit easier. And I think we were equally matched so we all had our turn finishing first. The other exercises on the floor were lunges, bicycle crunches, plank punches, and full burpees. Since I use the bench for plank work, I did lose a little time getting that set up and put back each round (I didn’t want to keep it out as my partners needed that space to work). But on average we were switching every 3 minutes and it was a good amount of time to work hard before feeling exhausted.
My group did 3 rounds around the room (9 total switches) when the partner part of the workout was done. Then we had 3 blocks similar to how we started the workout, except this time we had 90 second blocks. The goal was to get half of what we were able to do when we had the 3 minute rounds at the beginning of the workout. I didn’t quite make it there on the bike, but I did make it there on the rower.
I’ll be honest, this recap was a bit of a struggle because I tried to do it without making excuses with my neck and hip issues. But I realized that those excuses were not to explain away why I was using the bike but why I might have had a tough time in the workouts. I still pushed through and was very proud of myself and I think that is what is most important to me.
Posted onJanuary 24, 2019|Comments Off on Feeling A Bit More Luck (or Hopefully This Was Just A Bad Phase)
I’m aware that several of my posts lately have been a negative lately. I hate when they are like that, but I also believe in being real and honest on here. When I’m going through a tough time, I don’t want to lie and pretend that everything is great. I know that people do that on social media by only showing the best parts of themselves and that can actually make other people worse. If you are only seeing amazing things from other people and you are struggling, you can feel alone. I know that feeling and I don’t want anyone to ever feel that way because of something I’ve posted.
A lot of my negativity has been around my job situation. It’s horrible when you feel like things are finally going your way and then the rug gets pulled out from you. And I’m aware that I was not setting myself up for this possibility and was not in a good financial place to lose about half of my income. I don’t know if anyone is really ready for that, but I do know that most people at least try to have  an emergency fund to tide them over. I didn’t have that since any extra money I have goes to my credit card.
While I have been offered a new temporary job, it hasn’t started just yet. Originally it was supposed to start at the beginning of the week, but it’s been a bit delayed. I’m trying to not think anything horrible like the contract has been canceled because I have seen my contract (it’s just not the version to sign, it only has the terms on it), but it’s hard not to slip back into that mindset. But I know that soon enough I will have everything ready so I can start that job and I will be making the money that I need to cover my bills.
I haven’t slowed down on my job hunting because I know that job is only for a few months, but it’s been tough finding legitimate jobs that are what they claim to be. There was one job to be a virtual assistant for a company that I was referred to by a friend. It seemed like the perfect job for me and my phone interview ended up being over an hour because the owner and I really connected and enjoyed talking to each other. When I didn’t get that job, I was a bit sad because it seemed so perfect for me. But I knew that it must not have been meant for me.
But I did hear back from the owner saying that she wanted me to reach out to her again to discuss things. She told me that she did hire someone else for that job who had a bit more experience with the specific things she needs, but she enjoyed talking to me as much as I enjoyed talking to her. And while she doesn’t have a job for me right now, she wants to hire me for something in the future. It may just be temporary jobs or a few hours here and there, but I would be so grateful for anything I could get!
Obviously, I would have been so happy to get the job I interviewed for and that would have been incredible. But to know that I impressed the owner enough in my interview that she wants to find a way to work with me really gave me a confidence boost that I needed. I was feeling so down after encountering so many scam job posts and it was hard not to feel hopeless. And when I didn’t get this job that feeling was coming back. But knowing that she does see a future where we could work together gave me that hope back and we have a plan to check in with each other soon when she thinks she may have work for me.
I know I can’t rely on temporary or unreliable jobs, but anything I can get right now helps. I still have to work on job hunting until I have another job that has some stability, but there is a chance that one of the temporary jobs will become that job. I want to leave myself open to that possibility but also to make sure that I don’t get myself into the same situation that I’m in right now again.
There is no question that things have been stressful in my life lately. There are lots of different things that have causing me stress, but the biggest one has been my job hunt. Finding a job has been surprisingly difficult for me. I’ve applied for so many jobs and most of them have turned out to either be scams or misleading. Companies will post that their job is a remote position but then when you have an interview they tell you that it’s not and the pay rate is significantly lower than what they posted. I don’t know if they figure that since you went to the interview you would be ok with any changes or what. But it’s been very annoying to be spending time on interviews that are for jobs that aren’t what I believe them to be.
I’ve had several breakdowns while doing this job hunt. There have been days where I can’t stop thinking about my situation and will be calling different friends or family members crying hysterically. I’ve had to limit how much time I spend job hunting because when I didn’t limit myself I would feel so much worse about things. I’ve tried to keep thinking positively about things, but it’s not easy when it seems like you can’t make any progress or have even the smallest of victories or wins.
Stress is never really that good for anyone. I’m sure having minor stress in your life is good for something, but not having the type of stress I have been dealing with for the past few months. But I also have a few different auto immune diseases and I know that stress makes them so much worse. I was lucky that things hadn’t been that bad for me until recently, but it’s definitely hit me now and it’s showing on my body.
My auto immune diseases have different physical symptoms, but only one is really obvious when I’m out and about. I have alopecia which means I have patches of hair loss. This started when I was 14 when we discovered that behind both of my ears I lost a lot of hair. My parents took me to the doctor where I was diagnosed and we did some different treatments to make my hair come back. I’ve had patchy bald spots from time to time on my head and in my eyebrows, but it’s never been as bad as that first time. Most of time, it’s been weird little patches that are hidden by my hair. I sometimes see them and my friend who does my hair will see them. But when the bald spots aren’t on my hairline they aren’t as obvious.
But a few weeks ago, I started to notice my hair falling out more than normal. I would wash my hair and have handfuls of hair coming out. I didn’t find any bald spots so I assumed it was just all over hair loss (something else I have to deal with). But then I noticed a big patch on the back of my head where I lost my hair. I think I’m lucky because the way it fell out it looks more like that’s my natural hairline. But I can tell the difference and it’s very obvious to me. It is on my hairline on the back of my head, so there is a chance that it had been a bunch of smaller bald spots that just got worse recently. But all I know is that I only discovered the bald spot about a week ago.
There are some treatment options for me to try, but I’m not too sure if I want to do them. The best option that has worked for me is to get a bunch of shots in the bald spot. If it was worse looking, I probably would do it. I think I’m the only one who is really noticing it now and I don’t want to have to do all of the shots I know I’d need to do.
And the other reason I’m not going to do treatments now is that my stress has been lessened quite a bit. I still don’t have another job that I can count on, but I did get an email from my old boss last week. There is not a contract for my old job, but she was able to offer me a contract for a temporary job! I will be working for about 4 months and it will be more hours per week than I had on my old contract. It’s not enough in those 4 months to cover an entire year, but it will give me some time to breathe and figure out my next step. I will still be job hunting like I have been doing, but now I will be able to pay my bills.
I hate how much the stress has affected me, but I also know that how my body reacts isn’t always in my control. Auto immune diseases are complicated and I have had to learn how to roll with the punches with them. I’m just glad it wasn’t worse and that there’s a chance that it will start getting better now.
Posted onJanuary 18, 2019|Comments Off on Just Being Lazy In The Rain (or Not Much To Write About)
We’ve been getting a lot of rain in LA lately. It’s a good thing since we need the rain so much right now. It is a bit bad due to all the fires we’ve had recently because of the mudslide risks, but overall it’s a good thing. And as much as I’ve been trying to think positively about the rain (free car wash), I’m not a huge fan of rain. And even more, I’m not a fan of a week of rainy weather. We’ve had rain almost every day over the past few days. The timing has been funny because the past few days it didn’t start raining until I was done working so all the non-rain time was when I couldn’t leave my house. And once I was free, I didn’t want to go out in the rain for a few reasons.
My hip always feels bad when the weather is like this. I usually start feeling it a day or two before it starts and it ends once the weather clears up. I’ve been dealing with this type of pain since I had my hip surgery so I’m somewhat used to it. I know that it will happen and I’ve got a few things I can do to make the pain a bit more tolerable. It’s never a great time for me, but rain is not a very frequent occurrence so I’m lucky that I don’t have to worry about this too much.
The best thing I can do for myself when I feel like this is to take things easy. I have to stretch out a lot and I end up sitting or laying down in weird ways to make things feel better. The best way to explain the pain I have is that it feel like there is a huge air bubble caught inside my hip that is causing a ton of pressure. I imagine that if I could take a big needle and put it into my hip, it would release the pressure immediately and the pain would be gone. I know that it’s not really that, but that’s the only way I can think of how to explain it. I know that there are a bunch of people who have a similar issue with various body parts when the weather is like this, so at least I know I’m not a total weirdo.
Since the rain has been happening all week and I usually lay low when it’s raining, I haven’t really done anything this week. I’ve worked, worked out, read, watched tv, and looked for a new job. This isn’t necessarily something I did this week, but the video about the collaboration I’m doing with Andrew Coleman Smith came out this week. If you haven’t seen that video, I highly recommend checking it out!
I hate when I have nothing interesting to write about in these posts, but I really don’t have much to say. The rain has been keeping me inside most of the time and I just having had the motivation or energy to do much. Even my normal errands have been getting postponed because I don’t feel like leaving my house. I am trying to make the most of my time and being productive when I can, but there’s also the feeling of wanting to be lazy when the rain is falling outside. There’s something about this weather that makes you want to wear sweats, get under a bunch of blankets, and watch trashy tv or cheesy movies. I’ve done some of that, but I’m also being mindful of my time so that I don’t waste an entire day;
The weather is supposed to be clearing up so hopefully I can get back to my normal life of going out and doing things. I do enjoy being lazy from time to time, but I know this round of laziness has been too much and I’m ready to move past it. It’s not easy to do that when I hurt, but I’m hoping the pain will be over by the weekend.
I know this sounds like a whiney and complaining post, and it kind of is. But I’m also aware of having issues with weather like this and that’s why I don’t live somewhere that I have to deal with the rain all the time. I couldn’t imagine how much pain I’d be in if I lived in Seattle or Portland where rain seems to be all the time. I love the sunshine of being in LA and I’m ready for the weather to be back to what I’m used to.
Sorry for the boring post today, but honestly my life has been pretty boring this week.
Posted onJanuary 16, 2019|Comments Off on Making Small Investments In My Health (or Trying To Not Be Anxious Or Paranoid)
I’m seriously a broken record about some things in my life. I guess I should be happy to have a routine and know what will happen, but I’m so tired of having a lot of anxiety prior to going to a dental appointment. I hate that even a cleaning will cause me to get all worked up and I can’t relax until the appointment is done. Even when I am having the cleaning done, I’m still paranoid that things are going to turn for the worst. I’m always asking the dental hygienist if everything looks ok or if she sees anything that looks suspicious. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to see something horrible with my teeth.
I know that I take care of my teeth. I had a brief period of time right after college when I wasn’t as good about things like flossing, but now that I’ve seen what happens when I slack off just a little I know I can’t miss any step of my dental care any day. And every time I go to the dentist, I double check to make sure that I’m using all the best things for me. I’ve switched toothbrushes and toothpaste based on what I’ve been told and I trust that those are really the best things for me to use with my situation. It’s not always the cheapest, but it’s much cheaper buying expensive toothpaste than it is to get major dental work.
One of the parts of keeping my teeth in the best condition they can be in that I’m not the best at is flossing. While I floss every day, I know I don’t floss as hard as I should. When flossing hurts or is uncomfortable, you go easy on yourself. And unfortunately if you go easy on flossing it’s not effective. I’ve learned this the hard way and I’ve tried to correct myself. But I knew that I had to look into some better options for me to make sure that I don’t have more issues down the road.
For some reason, getting a water flosser seemed like a really weird idea to me. I always imagined they were giant machines and super expensive. And when I have a bathroom that has almost no counter space, it seemed like something that wasn’t possible for me to get. But I looked more into the options online and found they weren’t as crazy as I had in my head. Most of them are pretty compact, but even the compact ones are larger than the limited counter space that I have. But I did find some of the travel versions are small enough for the space I have. The only downside in most of the reviews was about the water tank only hold half the water you need to use it each time. To refill water once seemed like a really small issue so I looked into the cheapest option for buying it.
I really lucked out with timing because I got my CVS reward and a 30% CVS coupon that week. So I was able to get a flosser that normally is close to $70 for about $40. It’s still an investment and I know that I shouldn’t be spending money, but I had to think about it being an investment to save me money and pain in the long run. I only got it about 2 weeks prior to my dentist visit, so I had no idea if it would make a difference. But I knew that if my teeth were much worse than normal, that it wasn’t worth the convenience.
Fortunately, at my appointment my teeth didn’t seem that different from how they were in my past appointments, so that was a good sign. I also got some advice on how to use the new flosser better so that hopefully I can have some improvement by my next appointment. I also learned that for the best results, I still need to use regular floss too (so I should floss, use the water flosser, brush, and then use mouthwash). I didn’t love to hear that news since I was happy not using regular floss, but again I need to do what is best for my teeth. I don’t think I will ever get over my fear that my teeth will all fall out or I will be told that something horrible is happening with my teeth. But I want to feel as secure as possible about doing everything I should do to prevent that.
My next dentist appointment is the big one with the x-rays in 4 months. I’m trying to not feel nervous just yet, but I’m already feeling the anxiety. I think it might be because I just had an appointment and my anxiety hasn’t faded from it just yet. Hopefully that will go away soon and in my dream life I won’t have any anxiety at all before my appointment. But realistically, I’m just hoping I’m only anxious the week of and I can laugh about it after because everything is fine.
Posted onJanuary 10, 2019|Comments Off on Wondering How To Complete Some Goals (or I Have An Idea But Not A Plan)
Because there were so many goals in 2018 that I didn’t complete, I am working hard this year to make sure that doesn’t happen again. I always set my goals with the expectation that I will be able to complete or accomplish them. Sometimes they don’t seem that hard for me to do, but I’ve realized that is also my downfall. When I assume that I will be able to complete a goal without too much work, I can slack off on doing that. I’ve seen that happen a lot recently and I don’t want to continue that bad habit.
I think this all started when I started to do more abstract goals and challenges. When I don’t have a way to track and measure, I can tell myself that I am doing the right things even if I’m not. That’s why budgeting and tracking food and weight is important. I don’t want to ignore the signs that things are going the wrong direction. I will admit, I haven’t been great in budgeting and food tracking lately either. Budgeting is a weird one since I know that I am not making enough to support my lifestyle. I don’t need to get a bunch of alerts and red numbers telling me I’m over budgeting for my rent when I can’t reduce it. But as soon as I find a new job, I will be back on it since I know I need to.
One of my goals for this year is to use my free time in a more productive manner. Â In a perfect world, a lot of my current free time would be getting used by a new job. Unfortunately the job hunting isn’t going as well as I hoped it would be and I’m still looking for a new one. I guess the job hunting could be considered a productive use of my free time, but because I was getting so burnt out from looking I’ve had to limit my job search time to 4 hours a day. I know that probably seems like a lot, but I need a job now and for some reason I’m struggling to find one.
I’ve also been doing online class stuff during my free time, but that’s not taking up as much time as I have. I’m trying to limit how much time I’m doing mindless things online or watching tv or movies, but sometimes I just don’t know what else to do with that free time. My biggest issue is while I’m working because I have to be on my computer then. I can’t go out and do things and I can’t really be doing things in different parts of my house. Even though my house is tiny, I can’t be in my kitchen cooking if my phone rings or a customer reaches out via online chat. I’m stuck at my desk and looking at a computer.
I have added a few educational apps to my phone like the New York Times crossword and I’ve gotten pretty good at it! But each of these little things I’m adding just doesn’t seem like what I need to have in mind when I’m thinking about spending my free time more productively. I’m honestly opening it up to suggestions because I don’t know where to start or what to consider.
I think realizing that one of my goals this year doesn’t really have a plan yet is a good thing. I’d rather realize it now instead of 6 months later and figure out that I have been wasting the time that I have. And with many things in my life, being hyperaware that there is something I want to fix is always a good thing and is very useful to me in making changes. I’ve been considering trying to track how I spend my free time, and I know there are apps I can use for that on my computer, but I’m not sure if that’s the right move for now. I really just want to figure out a plan for how I can change things and make them better before I try to see what my current screen time usage is like. Hopefully when I have that plan, my screen time during work will be limited to just my work stuff and perhaps whatever productive things I find to do between customers if they are things I do on my computer.
Posted onJanuary 9, 2019|Comments Off on Just A Little Bit More Reflection (or Evaluating My Happiness Checklist)
In my million posts about the new year, I mentioned how I do a lot of reflection this time of year. Even though it’s an arbitrary start date (like people who say they will start something on Monday or when the next month starts), it still feels like a start or a clean break. There’s just something about a new year that makes me want to work on myself and see what I can improve upon.
I feel like I have done a lot of reflection and so many of the things I have done recently have been good things for me. I have very few regrets about what I’ve been doing lately and even the things I regret aren’t as bad as they have been in the past. But there are still things I know I could do better and that’s something that I’ve been thinking about this week.
I’ve been doing my happiness checklist for quite a while now. I find it a very valuable tool for me to use to make sure that I take time for myself each day to do at least one thing that makes me happy. There is never an expectation for me to do everything on the list (and I don’t think I’ve actually ever done that), but it’s good for me to check in with myself. And even on my worst days, it’s nice to remember that I have done some things that make me happy in a day. It doesn’t always make me feel better, but it does take the edge off of a really bad day.
I’ve made a few changes on my checklist since I started it, but I haven’t made a change on it recently. And as I have been filling out my checklists the past few days, I’ve been feeling like they aren’t necessarily the right things to have on there. They are things that make me happy, but either I do them every day and I don’t know if they should be on there or they are a bit too specific and I don’t get to do them as often as I’d like. And then there is one or two things on the list that I know should make me happy but they don’t necessarily do so. And I’ve been having weird guilt feelings about why I don’t feel happy when I know that they should.
So it is definitely time for me to work on redoing my happiness checklist. I need to take time and really think about things that do make me happy. And maybe I need to find new categories to have on there that combine a few things. For example, I had beauty stuff on the list originally but took it off because I didn’t do it often enough nor did I want to do it more often. And now I have watching movies on the list but sometimes I don’t want to watch a movie and I feel like I should at some point in a week to be able to check it off. I don’t know if doing a general category like “self-care” would be right to do on there, but there has to be a better way for me to categorize things.
I think the problem for me in the past is I felt like if I was going to make a change on the list that I have to do it immediately and move on. That’s a bit how it started when my therapist told me to do this. I felt like I needed to get it set up so I could start working on doing a check in every day. I didn’t think about it enough and that’s why I had to make changes early on. I also probably have the issue with feeling like once I set something up that it needs to stay that way and I am not as flexible as I feel like I am. That’s something I know I am working on and this is a great way for me to do just that.
As much as I’d love to have my new checklist set up tonight, I know that doing that is the wrong move. It is causing me a bit of anxiety to not know when it will be ready and I will start using that, but I need to sit in those feelings. I hear all the time that change only happens outside of your comfort zone and I know that keeping my checklist the way it is or setting up a new one immediately is the comfortable way. I need to be in the uncomfortable space now and hopefully that time will allow me to reflect and work on it and I will be better for it in the long run.
I know there are still a few more days left in the year, but I wanted to get my end of the year recap done before the new year started. I feel like it’s a nice transition to have a clean break from year to year and I didn’t necessarily want to spend the beginning of the new year going through the past. So I figured with a few days left I would have a good idea on where I would stand with my goals by the end of the year.
My first goal I had this year was to do 199 Orangetheory workouts. That one I accomplished and I’ll finish out the year with a few more! I should be at 206 workouts by the last day of the year unless something happens that prevents me from going to one of my planned workouts. But even if I didn’t go for those classes, I will still be ahead of the goal! I did 4 workouts a week almost every week which made it easy to make it to over 199. I thought I’d have more 3 workout weeks over the year but I didn’t have that many. I tried to look back at my schedule and I don’t think I had any 5 workout weeks (I could be wrong) which is what I thought I’d need to do a few times to make sure I made it to my goal. I’m so glad that this goal ended up being relatively easy to accomplish since it seemed like one that would be tough for me.
And I’m lucky that first goal was easy for me to accomplish because it ended up being the only goal I really did accomplish that I had set for myself. I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but for some of these goals I didn’t meet there is a reason. But I still need to hold myself accountable for why I didn’t do what I was hoping to do.
The next 2 goals I had are somewhat related. I wanted to find a 5K race to do and I wanted to get a new PR on my mile time. Neither of those happened and if I’m being totally honest I really don’t care too much that they didn’t happen. Doing 5K races was a big part of my life for a long time, but that was also a while ago. I didn’t have Orangetheory when I did a bunch of races every year and I think having a regular workout has made me not feel as motivated to find races. I had a few races that I kept doing, but once they stopped having races each year I didn’t try to find a replacement. And with wanting to get a new mile PR time, I really thought I’d be able to do much more running this year than I have been able to do. This is due to multiple factors like getting sick, my hormonal nausea, and other things that have prevented me from using the treadmill as much as I wanted to do. Getting a new mile PR used to be so important to me and a sign of my progress, but I’ve had to learn new ways to measure my progress and the mile time has lost some of the importance it used to have.
The next goal I failed on is one that I feel like I have the most excuses for. I had a number in my head that I wanted to get my debt below. I was making real progress toward this for the first part of the year and I was so excited about it. But then I didn’t have as many hours with one of my jobs as I thought I would have and then that job wasn’t able to offer me a new contract like we expected. Being down one job meant that I didn’t have the money to put toward paying my credit card that I used to and I had to start using my credit card for more things than I would have liked to. Losing a job and using my credit card to pay for regular expenses is how I got into debt. I’m trying to stop this before it gets as bad as it did before (and I’ll have more on that in my 2019 goals), but it did increase how much I owed on the card. It’s unfortunate, but it’s my reality. I wasn’t expecting to lose a job and I don’t make enough money right now to really have savings to cover a job loss. I know this is bad and I want to fix this, but for now I have to just focus on finding a new job so I can get back to paying down my debt.
And my last goal I had for 2018 was to keep doing what I’ve been doing with my eating disorder recovery. While I wouldn’t say I necessarily failed at accomplishing this, but it didn’t go the way I planned it would. I did keep doing what I was doing and I’ve found new things that do work for me and I’ve dropped things that I found weren’t working for me anymore. I had the hope that I would feel like I made more progress by this point, but I also know that recovery is a weird journey and it’s not always easy to judge progress.
Even though I really only accomplished one of my goals I set for the year, I don’t see that necessarily as a bad thing. Instead, I feel like I had a minor failure to plan with my goals which is a newer issue for me. I think I need to allow myself to alter and change my goals throughout the year. If I had that as the plan, I would have switched out my running related goals before the year was half over to something else that was fitness related. Maybe I would have had a goal to be able to use a certain weight for an exercise or I would have changed it to a goal on the rower or bike. But I felt like my goals were set for the year and I didn’t want to alter them. That is something I will be changing as well as adding to my monthly challenge planning reminder to look back at my goals for the year to see what steps I need to make and if there are any changes that should happen.
It’s so funny to think about how happy I am to have goals I failed at because it has given me a lot of insight into myself and how I can make the next year even better. And I’ve got some interesting goals in mind for 2019 that I’ll be sharing next week that have been inspired by me not reaching my goals. Sometimes you need a setback to help you think clearly and I think that’s exactly what I had this year.
Just Being Lazy In The Rain (or Not Much To Write About)
