Posted onFebruary 15, 2019|Comments Off on Pain Distracts From Other Pain (or The Rain Isn’t Too Bad This Time)
LA is pretty spoiled with our weather, but lately we have had multiple storms hitting us with several days of rain. I know the rain is a good thing and LA and the entire state needs it, but I also miss our normal sunny weather. It is true that so many LA drivers have no idea how to drive in the rain and the roads can be scary with people driving crazy. I also don’t love having to do my errands in the rain like my laundry because I don’t want to get an umbrella out just to cross my driveway nor do I like being wet. I’m aware that this is not a great quality that I have, but I blame it on not having to deal with rain often while growing up. I missed creating good rainy weather habits and skills.
But the main thing I dislike about the rain is that is usually causes me quite a bit of hip pain. I’ve been dealing with this since I had my hip surgery, and I was expecting it to happen after the surgery. I know that people who have broken bones have issues with pain during the rain, and my hip surgery basically caused a broken bone on the top of my femur. The pain can be pretty bad sometimes and make me even less motivated to get out of my house and do anything.
Fortunately, with how infrequent the rain is here, I don’t deal with this too often. And when I do, I’m usually grateful to have a day that is requiring me to slow down and be lazy. I know I can forget to take time for myself sometimes, and having this days of pain are a reminder to take care of myself and that sometimes it’s ok to not do anything. I also continuously am grateful that I work from home because my days of pain don’t affect my ability to work. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to be in an office for work and how I would deal with the pain. I remember it occasionally being an issue at past jobs, but I also think I was taking painkillers more often than I do now.
Sometimes the pain isn’t too bad and I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had a lot of horrible days with all the recent storms. Maybe it’s because there have been so many storms back to back so my body doesn’t have to deal with as many weather fluctuations. Or maybe with the back to back rain it just gets easier to deal with (or I’m getting more used to it). But the other idea I have is that right now it isn’t as bad because I have other pain going on and it’s distracting me.
The pain in my face has been getting better every day, but it’s still not great. My jaw looks and feels very swollen and it’s not easy to do a lot of things. I’m slowly introducing soft foods back into my diet after being on liquid things only for a few days. I also am starting to notice some bruises around the incision and I think that’s probably a good sign of this healing nicely. I’ve got a few more days with the stitches in and I’m ready for them to be out. They are weird and I am very paranoid that things aren’t going right with them. But I know I’m fine and just acting crazy.
Pain is never fun for me, but it is a regular part of my life. I don’t know if that will ever change and I don’t expect it to. I just get to learn how to be better at managing it. And this time, my pain management is other pain and I am getting a kick out of that. I don’t know how often I’d be hoping for pain, but it’s a nice thing for me right now. And hopefully by next week, I’ll be out of pain because both the rain is done and my face will be more healed. I’m a little worried about pain after the stitches come out, but I know that it will probably be much easier than the pain I had when they went in. And then I can focus on making the scar fade as quickly as possible!
On Monday this week, I had the little surgery with my dermatologist to remove the wart on my face (or whatever it is). This has been something I have been dealing with for so long, and it’s crazy to think that I just had a surgery to take care of it. I’m still in a bit of pain from it all, but I am glad I did it.
I haven’t gotten the results from the biopsy yet, but I’m going to assume that it was a wart. That’s what every doctor has told me it was. When I first got it when I was 18, the dermatologist I saw did 1 freezing treatment and it went away within a few days. It was so easy and simple and I thought it was done forever. But when it grew back, it seemed to come back with a vengeance.
I’ve done so many freezing treatments with so many doctors and that was always their first choice with treatment. When one doctor finally said it might need to be surgically removed, I went to a plastic surgeon to discuss it and was pretty much told it was a bad idea. I just kept going to new doctors and having them try to freeze it. And it never worked.
If it was just a boring wart, I don’t think I would have cared as much. But this was painful and causing issues and I wanted it gone. So when the newest dermatologist I met (for an unrelated issue) said that it would be a quick and easy surgery, I decided to go for it.
I knew that this would involve some shots since they had to numb my skin. And I knew it would probably hurt after the numbing medication wore off. But those negatives would be worth having this done with and not a problem in my life anymore. I did ok with the numbing shots, but they weren’t fun. My doctor understood that I hate needles and he really tried to be nice about it all. He kept apologizing when they had to do more just to make sure I’d be good and numb before he started.
The actual biopsy procedure was so quick. He used a tool that punched out a circle of my skin and that was it! I didn’t feel the punch at all but I was warned I might feel some pressure. But I was so numb and it was so quick that it was over before I knew it! The longest part was getting the stitches, and there were a few complications.
My doctor knew that there would be blood because he was cutting a hole in my skin. And I know that certain medications can make you bleed more so I didn’t take any of my medications that I could skip for the past week. The only thing I took was my Vyvanse and my anti-nausea medications. However, after my doctor asked if I took any blood thinners, I remembered that I also had taken some Motrin to ease my cramps last week. It wasn’t that recently, but it was still in my system and it was making me bleed more than expected.
Fortunately, it ended quickly and my doctor was able to start working on the stitches. This was the part I hated the most. I could feel him stitching my skin and pulling on it even if it was painless. But it was the weirdest sensation and I really didn’t like it. It wasn’t painful, but it just bothered me. I also could hear random things since this was happening close enough to my ears and that was freaking me out a bit too. But I tried my best to stay still because that would help my doctor do his best work. With this scar being on my face, I wanted to do whatever I could to minimize it.
The entire thing took a little under an hour. It did take time to get everything ready and for the numbing shots to kick in. Plus it took longer than expected because of the bleeding issue. I only got 2 stitches in my face, but my doctor wanted to make sure they were perfect so the scar would be the best it could be. I will always have a scar there now, but it should be better than what it looked like before.
I got to look at the stitches before they covered them up, and I was a bit surprised how tiny they were. I don’t know what I was really expecting, but I thought it would be much more than what it looks like. Right now, it almost looks like a hashtag or pound sign on my chin. I feel like it looks worse now, but when the stitches come out and the scar is healing it will be better.
And in the long run, a scar is going to be much easier to cover with makeup and won’t cause me pain or the other issues I’ve been dealing with. I’m so glad that this is done and while I hate the pain I’m in now I know in the long run I will be glad I did this.
Now, I just have to rock the stitches look for the next week before they come out. Not sure if I’m going to put a bandage on it while I’m out in public (I know I will when I go to my workouts), so it will be interesting to see the reactions of others.
Posted onFebruary 7, 2019|Comments Off on Another Virtual Doctor Appointment (or Planning Some Next Steps)
Things have changed a few times for me since I started back in therapy. With my old therapist, my appointments started much more frequent but eventually went to twice a year. But those appointments were always in person and that’s what I expected them to be. When I got my new therapist, she offered the option to do virtual appointments. I’ve done a phone appointment with her before and that worked really well for me. I’m not doing therapy now to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. I know what my issues are and I know the steps I need to take. It’s more about implementing those ideas now. My appointments are check-ins that are almost exclusively about my medication.
When I did my last appointment over the phone, my therapist let me know that at least once a year she has to be able to see me for an appointment. That can mean a regular in person appointment, but it can also be a video chat appointment. We both agreed that a video appointment would be best as it’s easiest and we knew the check-in wasn’t anything too serious.
I’m very happy with these alternative appointment options. First, it seems like those appointments are free (I know the phone one was, and I haven’t gotten a bill or anything for the video one) which is nice considering the regular appointments are about $80. I also get to save money on parking because there are no good free parking options by the office so I have to pay to use their parking lot. And these appointments are much faster for me since I don’t have to drive over there and wait for my appointment time.
This video chat appointment was my first time using the Kaiser video system. I was planning on using it on my computer, however the versions of different web browsers I have are too good for the system (I was shocked that the web browsers had to be 2 versions older than what I use). But I was able to use the video chat through the Kaiser app on my phone. It felt a bit like a Skype call when I was looking at the screen getting things set up.
I was logged in and ready to go 10 minutes before my appointment, so I set my phone down next to me and did some work while I waited for my therapist to log in. I figured it wouldn’t be right at my appointment time, but it was only a few minutes after which is much better than most in-person appointments are.
As expected, the check-in was pretty basic. She asked me if I was doing ok on my current dosage, which I am. I shared some issues I have been having such as sometimes taking it a bit too late if I’m having a lazy morning (I’m working on not doing that and if I have a lazy morning at least get up to take my meds early). I also shared how I think taking both pills in the morning is helping my anxiety because I’m not worried about remembering to take my dose in the middle of the day. I’m much happier with all my medication in the morning and I find that it is working just as well as it was when I was splitting them up. It’s still not a miracle medication and I do struggle from time to time, but that’s normal and expected.
I think my therapist was pretty happy with everything I was saying. I know that she doesn’t usually prescribe Vyvanse because she hasn’t seen a lot of success with it, and I know that I really am not a success story yet. I wish that my weight was down more than it is right now and I know that she was expecting that too. So she brought up the idea of adding other medications that might help with both weight loss and mental health.
I would love to be on something that would make me lose weight. But I am also hesitant to add anything else to my routine that is a mood stabilizer. I am having the least amount of anxiety and panic in my life that I can remember and I don’t want to mess that up. I know that my anxiety should have gotten worse, but for some reason it got better for me. And I don’t know what adding another medication may do to that.
I told my therapist exactly that and explained that I really don’t know if I want to try anything new. She really thinks it would be beneficial for me, but she agrees that if I’m not feeling on board with the idea that we shouldn’t do it now. But she gave me the name of the medication so I can do some research on my own and I can go into my next appointment with her understanding more about the medication so we can talk about it more. I know that some of my hesitation was not knowing anything about the medication and wondering about it, so having time to do some research will probably help. And I’m guessing if she still feels like it would benefit me when I see her again, that I’ll agree to go on it.
But for now, everything is staying the same with my plan. I am not changing any medication and I need to keep working on what I’ve been working on. I haven’t made all the changes I should have, but I am trying to get there and that’s the path I need to keep going down. And most likely in 6 months when I have my next appointment, there will be some changes made. But at least I know what is coming up and I can prepare for it.
I am not a fan of changing doctors. I like having a medical team that knows me and understands whatever issues I’m going through. I’m a medical weirdo so it can take a while to update a new doctor on my current situation and I’d rather avoid doing that. I’ve been lucky that many of the doctors I see on a regular or semi-regular basis are doctors that I have had for years, but occasionally I have to switch doctors for one reason or another.
I mentioned that my body is starting to show signs of stress. Some of the stress was showing up as odd bumps on the back of my neck that I didn’t know what they were. I tried not to freak out about them, but they weren’t getting smaller and they were sore so I knew I needed to make an appointment to see my dermatologist. Unfortunately, this time of year seems to be very popular with all dermatologists and the doctor I have been working with for a while wasn’t available for at least a month. I didn’t want to wait that long, so I asked if I could see a new doctor and I was able to get an appointment for earlier this week.
By the time I had my appointment, the bumps on my neck were almost gone. But I still wanted to get them checked out along with a few other skin issues I wanted to ask about. I don’t like to stack up medical issues, but this time that’s just what happened naturally.
Fortunately, the bumps I had on the back of my neck were nothing bad. It was more to do with my hair follicles than my skin and I got a recommendation for a new soap I could use that would help prevent them and make them go away if they return. I also asked if my recent hair loss in the spot that I had the bumps was related, but they weren’t. I just happened to have a bald spot in the same spot and that may have been the reason I noticed the bumps. If they had been covered by my hair, while I might have still had a bit of pain I wouldn’t have noticed them or realized they were bumps instead of a bruise.
And since I was seeing a new dermatologist, I also wanted to ask about the wart that I’ve had for over a decade. My last dermatologist considered doing a biopsy because she questioned if it could be a wart (typically even without treatment they will go away within 6 months), but it got postponed and I honestly forgot to do a follow-up to schedule it. I haven’t done anything to treat it recently and it’s been bothering me just as much as it always has.
This new dermatologist had the same hesitation as the last one about whether or not I have a wart on my face, but he didn’t hesitate on what we should do. He suggested that I come back for an in-office surgical removal. This is what I had discussed with a plastic surgeon a long time ago and that doctor made it seem like it would be a very difficult process with a very horrible scar. I didn’t want to disfigure my face, so I didn’t pursue the surgery with the plastic surgeon further.
And my last dermatologist never felt like it was the right option to take. I don’t know why I didn’t push the issue further and see what she felt would help this go away since all the treatments she had been trying had failed, but I know what hasn’t worked for over a decade. And while there are a few other options that I know I could ask to try, I also know the success rate of those other options are usually under 50% and most of them are painful.
This surgery is super minor and will be done with just a numbing shot. I will have stitches in my chin for about a week before they are removed and I will have a scar. The scar might be very obvious at first, but the dermatologist feels like it should be faded within 6 months and it will be easy to cover with makeup. And even with having a scar there, it will be less noticeable than what I have now. But to me, it’s not about how I will look. This wart has been painful for years and I want that pain gone.
I know it sounds like a rash decision and that I’m just hurrying things along. But this is something I have considered for a very long time and every doctor I have brought it up to has hesitated and told me that they didn’t feel this was a good option. This doctor was very confident in being able to make it work and to make the scar as small as possible. And for me it is so important to work with doctors who feel confident. I don’t always need my doctors to have all the answers, but they need to be confident in what they say even if they are saying they don’t know the answer at the moment. And I like the confidence of this doctor and I am ready to take the leap and finally get rid of something that has bothered me for years!
I said last week in my post about my workouts how I didn’t want to keep making excuses for why I was using the bike over the treadmill. And of course, this week I feel like I do need to explain myself a bit. But at least it’s not because of my normal reasons. This past week, my workouts were a struggle because of weird issues with my body. Over the weekend leading up to this past week, I hurt my neck. I think I slept on it funny, but it was causing me a lot of pain through the week. I know it’s nothing too bad, but it still affected me. And once that was starting to feel better toward the end of the week, I did something to my hips and quad muscles. It might have been another weird sleep thing, but I knew I had to go easy on my body. I guess I should be grateful that I am used to working with limitations because I was still able to get some good work done this past week.
Monday’s workout was a very interesting class. When you were on the treadmills you had cardio/floor work and the other half of class was doing rowing and cardio work. The pacing of things were determined by the person who started each block on the cardio side. We had 3 blocks on each side, but since we switch stations during the block it really felt more like 6 blocks on each side.
When you started on cardio, every time you started with a distance run (I was on the bike). There was a time limit 3 minutes for getting to the distance, but most of us were done in 2 minutes or under. After completing the distance, you headed to the floor. The first block had single arm neutral full thrusters and burpees. The second block had skater lunges and push ups. And the last block had hip hinge reverse flys and lunges. Everything in that block seemed to go by so quickly, but we made up for cardio time when we were doing the other half of the workout.
When you started on the rower, you rowed until the person on your treadmill was done with their distance. Then you switched to the treadmill (or bike) to be at base pace until the last 3 minutes of the block. Those last 3 minutes were a push pace, base pace, and all out pace. We repeated that for all 3 blocks we started on the rower. This workout was much more cardio and strength work, but it was a nice challenge to have and it felt very different from what I’m used to which made it fun.
Wednesday’s workout was an endurance day and we stayed in each section of the room for 15 minutes before switching so we had 1 lap around the room. For cardio, we had push paces to base paces for a few rounds. The push pace and base pace matched each time and we started with 2 minutes each and went down to 60 seconds each ending with a 30 second all out pace. I stuck with my normal resistance levels for the bike but tried to work with the speed a little. It wasn’t anything amazing, but I was able to just keep going which is sometimes all I can ask for in a workout.
On the rower, we started with a 250 meter row and then had arm raises using the mini-bands. Each time we were back on the rower we decreased the row but kept the arm raises the same. I decided to try using the medium mini-band for the arm raises to see if I could do it. Normally I would use the lightest one, but I was able to use the medium one without too much trouble. I could really feel the difference in how hard I was working, but it wasn’t so hard that I struggled with completing them. We don’t use the mini-bands that often, but I think I need to start using harder mini-bands with my arms.
For the floor, we had a really challenging workout. Normally, we do all the exercises in a block one after another so we don’t feel too exhausted or burned out. The idea of this workout was to get burned out. For all exercises we had 12, 10, 8, 6, and 4 reps; but we had to do all those rounds of each exercise before moving on to the next exercise. We had one leg squats using the bench, lunges, sumo squats, lunges with weights, and single arm shoulder presses. I sometimes would just try to do as many as I could in a set before a break and just made sure that they all added up to 40 reps (the total we had to do), but I also tried to split them up properly when I could. It wasn’t easy, but it was such a relief when we got to move on to the next exercise.
Friday’s workout was a power day, and even though we only had 1 lap around the room we had 4 little blocks on cardio and the rower which helped the time go by quicker. The blocks were the same length on both sides. We started at 2 minutes and then had 2 1/2, 3, and 3 1/2 minute blocks to follow.
For cardio, we started with a 1 minute push, 30 second base, and 30 second all out. Then we had a push before the all out. Then the base pace got longer for the last two blocks. My legs and hips were feeling the worst this day so it was a struggle to use the bike. I used my normal resistance levels but I was pedaling very slowly. Even my base pace resistance level felt like a hill to me and it was hard not to feel frustrated. I know that I didn’t pick to feel this way and doing something is better than nothing and I tried to focus on that as much as I could.
On the rower, every block started with a 200 meter row and then we had exercises with weights to finish out the block. First we had front raises and then each block we added on something else. We added hip hinge low rows, sumo squats to front raises, and shoulder presses. I might have gone a bit too heavy with the weights for this work but I really felt like I had to make up for what I didn’t get to do on the bike. And on the floor, we had one long block that had all medicine ball work. We started with woodchoppers and then had 3 rounds of lunges to tricep extensions and sit-ups to shoulder presses. Then we had more woodchoppers and rounds of side lunges to front presses and sit-ups to torso rotations. While my legs didn’t hurt too bad with this block, it wasn’t easy on my neck. I know that I have to go easy when my neck is feeling weird because it would be very bad to hurt my neck more. I took breaks when I needed them and tried to be very aware of my posture and how I was holding my body.
Saturday’s workout was a 3 partner workout and it was a special workout for Australia Day (although I don’t know how the workout connected to that). Also, while my neck was still a little sore my hips were feeling better so I was excited to work with partners and not scared I’d be holding them back.
We started with 3 minute blocks on each section of the room before we partnered up. We had a 3 minute run (or bike) for distance, 3 minute row for distance, and 3 minutes doing floor work ending with burpees until time was called. We had to remember our distances and how many burpees we did and then we got into groups of 3.
For a majority of the workout, we were doing the partner workout. Each of us was trying to match what we did in those 3 minute blocks and whoever finished first started the switch. So it could be the person on the floor, rower, or bike who finished first. I was lucky with my partners that we were all using the bike so that made things a bit easier. And I think we were equally matched so we all had our turn finishing first. The other exercises on the floor were lunges, bicycle crunches, plank punches, and full burpees. Since I use the bench for plank work, I did lose a little time getting that set up and put back each round (I didn’t want to keep it out as my partners needed that space to work). But on average we were switching every 3 minutes and it was a good amount of time to work hard before feeling exhausted.
My group did 3 rounds around the room (9 total switches) when the partner part of the workout was done. Then we had 3 blocks similar to how we started the workout, except this time we had 90 second blocks. The goal was to get half of what we were able to do when we had the 3 minute rounds at the beginning of the workout. I didn’t quite make it there on the bike, but I did make it there on the rower.
I’ll be honest, this recap was a bit of a struggle because I tried to do it without making excuses with my neck and hip issues. But I realized that those excuses were not to explain away why I was using the bike but why I might have had a tough time in the workouts. I still pushed through and was very proud of myself and I think that is what is most important to me.
Posted onJanuary 18, 2019|Comments Off on Just Being Lazy In The Rain (or Not Much To Write About)
We’ve been getting a lot of rain in LA lately. It’s a good thing since we need the rain so much right now. It is a bit bad due to all the fires we’ve had recently because of the mudslide risks, but overall it’s a good thing. And as much as I’ve been trying to think positively about the rain (free car wash), I’m not a huge fan of rain. And even more, I’m not a fan of a week of rainy weather. We’ve had rain almost every day over the past few days. The timing has been funny because the past few days it didn’t start raining until I was done working so all the non-rain time was when I couldn’t leave my house. And once I was free, I didn’t want to go out in the rain for a few reasons.
My hip always feels bad when the weather is like this. I usually start feeling it a day or two before it starts and it ends once the weather clears up. I’ve been dealing with this type of pain since I had my hip surgery so I’m somewhat used to it. I know that it will happen and I’ve got a few things I can do to make the pain a bit more tolerable. It’s never a great time for me, but rain is not a very frequent occurrence so I’m lucky that I don’t have to worry about this too much.
The best thing I can do for myself when I feel like this is to take things easy. I have to stretch out a lot and I end up sitting or laying down in weird ways to make things feel better. The best way to explain the pain I have is that it feel like there is a huge air bubble caught inside my hip that is causing a ton of pressure. I imagine that if I could take a big needle and put it into my hip, it would release the pressure immediately and the pain would be gone. I know that it’s not really that, but that’s the only way I can think of how to explain it. I know that there are a bunch of people who have a similar issue with various body parts when the weather is like this, so at least I know I’m not a total weirdo.
Since the rain has been happening all week and I usually lay low when it’s raining, I haven’t really done anything this week. I’ve worked, worked out, read, watched tv, and looked for a new job. This isn’t necessarily something I did this week, but the video about the collaboration I’m doing with Andrew Coleman Smith came out this week. If you haven’t seen that video, I highly recommend checking it out!
I hate when I have nothing interesting to write about in these posts, but I really don’t have much to say. The rain has been keeping me inside most of the time and I just having had the motivation or energy to do much. Even my normal errands have been getting postponed because I don’t feel like leaving my house. I am trying to make the most of my time and being productive when I can, but there’s also the feeling of wanting to be lazy when the rain is falling outside. There’s something about this weather that makes you want to wear sweats, get under a bunch of blankets, and watch trashy tv or cheesy movies. I’ve done some of that, but I’m also being mindful of my time so that I don’t waste an entire day;
The weather is supposed to be clearing up so hopefully I can get back to my normal life of going out and doing things. I do enjoy being lazy from time to time, but I know this round of laziness has been too much and I’m ready to move past it. It’s not easy to do that when I hurt, but I’m hoping the pain will be over by the weekend.
I know this sounds like a whiney and complaining post, and it kind of is. But I’m also aware of having issues with weather like this and that’s why I don’t live somewhere that I have to deal with the rain all the time. I couldn’t imagine how much pain I’d be in if I lived in Seattle or Portland where rain seems to be all the time. I love the sunshine of being in LA and I’m ready for the weather to be back to what I’m used to.
Sorry for the boring post today, but honestly my life has been pretty boring this week.
Posted onJanuary 16, 2019|Comments Off on Making Small Investments In My Health (or Trying To Not Be Anxious Or Paranoid)
I’m seriously a broken record about some things in my life. I guess I should be happy to have a routine and know what will happen, but I’m so tired of having a lot of anxiety prior to going to a dental appointment. I hate that even a cleaning will cause me to get all worked up and I can’t relax until the appointment is done. Even when I am having the cleaning done, I’m still paranoid that things are going to turn for the worst. I’m always asking the dental hygienist if everything looks ok or if she sees anything that looks suspicious. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to see something horrible with my teeth.
I know that I take care of my teeth. I had a brief period of time right after college when I wasn’t as good about things like flossing, but now that I’ve seen what happens when I slack off just a little I know I can’t miss any step of my dental care any day. And every time I go to the dentist, I double check to make sure that I’m using all the best things for me. I’ve switched toothbrushes and toothpaste based on what I’ve been told and I trust that those are really the best things for me to use with my situation. It’s not always the cheapest, but it’s much cheaper buying expensive toothpaste than it is to get major dental work.
One of the parts of keeping my teeth in the best condition they can be in that I’m not the best at is flossing. While I floss every day, I know I don’t floss as hard as I should. When flossing hurts or is uncomfortable, you go easy on yourself. And unfortunately if you go easy on flossing it’s not effective. I’ve learned this the hard way and I’ve tried to correct myself. But I knew that I had to look into some better options for me to make sure that I don’t have more issues down the road.
For some reason, getting a water flosser seemed like a really weird idea to me. I always imagined they were giant machines and super expensive. And when I have a bathroom that has almost no counter space, it seemed like something that wasn’t possible for me to get. But I looked more into the options online and found they weren’t as crazy as I had in my head. Most of them are pretty compact, but even the compact ones are larger than the limited counter space that I have. But I did find some of the travel versions are small enough for the space I have. The only downside in most of the reviews was about the water tank only hold half the water you need to use it each time. To refill water once seemed like a really small issue so I looked into the cheapest option for buying it.
I really lucked out with timing because I got my CVS reward and a 30% CVS coupon that week. So I was able to get a flosser that normally is close to $70 for about $40. It’s still an investment and I know that I shouldn’t be spending money, but I had to think about it being an investment to save me money and pain in the long run. I only got it about 2 weeks prior to my dentist visit, so I had no idea if it would make a difference. But I knew that if my teeth were much worse than normal, that it wasn’t worth the convenience.
Fortunately, at my appointment my teeth didn’t seem that different from how they were in my past appointments, so that was a good sign. I also got some advice on how to use the new flosser better so that hopefully I can have some improvement by my next appointment. I also learned that for the best results, I still need to use regular floss too (so I should floss, use the water flosser, brush, and then use mouthwash). I didn’t love to hear that news since I was happy not using regular floss, but again I need to do what is best for my teeth. I don’t think I will ever get over my fear that my teeth will all fall out or I will be told that something horrible is happening with my teeth. But I want to feel as secure as possible about doing everything I should do to prevent that.
My next dentist appointment is the big one with the x-rays in 4 months. I’m trying to not feel nervous just yet, but I’m already feeling the anxiety. I think it might be because I just had an appointment and my anxiety hasn’t faded from it just yet. Hopefully that will go away soon and in my dream life I won’t have any anxiety at all before my appointment. But realistically, I’m just hoping I’m only anxious the week of and I can laugh about it after because everything is fine.
Posted onNovember 29, 2018|Comments Off on Having To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others)
My eating disorder is still a big part of my life. I don’t think about it as often as I used to, but it’s still a major factor in multiple aspects of my life. I’m so grateful that I’m on medication that does help make things easier to manage at times, but it’s not a cure. But I do still have to do a lot of work on my own and it’s not easy. I struggle most days at least for a part of the day and there are days where I struggle the entire day. I often wish that this wasn’t how my life had to be, but it is the way it is and I can’t change it about myself. I feel very certain that I was genetically disposed to have an eating disorder and all I can do is work on managing it and trying to get into recovery.
I’m very open about having an eating disorder (possibly too open at times), but I find that being open is helpful to me. I don’t have to hide something about myself and when I try to explain things that my eating disorder affects it’s much easier than just speaking around it. One thing that is easier to explain is why I look the way I do when I workout 4 days a week.
If I didn’t have an eating disorder, I’m sure that I would look amazing. I don’t know if I’d be as thin and muscular as I’d like to be, but I would be in normal sized clothing and nobody would question me if I worked out or have other people in my workout class who don’t know me treat me like it was my first class ever and come congratulate me on starting to work on my health. I know that I’m much stronger than I look and I’m probably in better cardiovascular health than people who are naturally thin and don’t work out, I just don’t look like that.
And I’ve had people question me about if I really work out or if my workouts are worth it lately. Whenever I go to the doctor they do the intake questions which includes if I work out. I always say I do 4 days a week at Orangetheory and the person doing my intake usually looks shocked and tells me they are proud of me. I hate being talked down to like that, but it’s not worth me saying anything back. They don’t know me and I don’t need to explain myself because it will just happen again the next time.
But more recently I had someone who I know well ask me if my workouts were worth it because I look like I had gained weight (I haven’t, but maybe I look like I have?). They didn’t question if I was working out, but they questioned if I was wasting my time and money on something that they felt was not worth it for me.
I was speechless when that happened and I could only mumble that it’s hard to show progress when I still am battling my eating disorder and quickly changed the subject. I really couldn’t think of anything to say or a good comeback and just wanted to move past that discussion. I knew that if I had to hear them dismiss my workouts or effort any longer that I would probably start crying and I didn’t want to deal with it.
But the more I think about it, the more that conversation angers me. Beyond it just being rude, it’s disrespectful and if I was in a worse mental state it could be harmful to me. If I wasn’t feeling so good about my workouts, maybe hearing from someone else that I am wasting my time would make me stop working out because it isn’t making me lose weight right now. I might have a binge episode because I felt like all my work wasn’t worth it. Fortunately, I didn’t have either of those reactions and I almost used it as motivation to just keep trucking along.
I know that binge eating disorder isn’t as well understood as other eating disorders, but that doesn’t give anyone who knows I have an eating disorder an excuse to downplay the seriousness of it. Imagine if I was someone with anorexia and was trying to get into recovery but was still very thin and unhealthy looking. And if the person who talked to me said that clearly I was still sick looking so working on eating food is a waste of my time and effort. I don’t think anyone would ever say that to someone battling anorexia, but binge eating disorder isn’t taken as seriously by many people. They see it as a lack of self-control, lack of willpower, or just being lazy. And that’s not the case at all.
I think if this was all about willpower that I would probably have already gotten into recovery and this wouldn’t be anything I would need to worry about. But there are so many factors that make this so tough to get over and it’s not just eating less and eating healthier. Whenever I have a binge episode, it’s not something I want to do. And I always regret it immediately. Sometimes that regret happens in the middle of an episode so I can stop myself, but sometimes it’s not until it’s over and it’s too late to make it less severe.
I know that I can’t expect others to change how they treat me and that when people treat me and my eating disorder with this lack of respect that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. But it does still hurt because I work so hard every day to get into recovery. I hate having my efforts being dismissed like this and I have to remind myself that they don’t know my life or my situation. I’m just grateful that I am surrounded by so many people who treat me the way I should be treated and they have helped me realize that I am working hard. They show me that they are proud of me and I use that when I am feeling down. I’m lucky that most of the people in my life are people who work to help me and it’s only a few people who seem to want to bring me down.
Posted onNovember 20, 2018|Comments Off on Being Social and Nauseous (or Taking Some Inspiration From My Workouts)
I write about dealing with nausea in my workouts quite a bit. It’s usually about a week or two every month so I have a lot of workouts where I am nauseous. Last week was one of those weeks. And I think that I really do well when it comes to not letting that set me back too much. I do have to make several modifications to my workouts when I feel that way, but I still go. And it’s a point of pride with me that I still make it to my workouts no matter how bad the nausea gets. While I have missed class before when I’m sick, it’s never because of nausea.
But for some reason, I can’t seem to take that idea and apply it to the rest of my life. When I have my bad nausea days, I want to just hibernate in my house. I rarely will leave the house beyond my workouts and I will go out of my way to not have to leave. If I was planning on going to the grocery store, I will order delivery food so I don’t have to be outside the comfort of my own home. I will go do things if I have no alternative or if it is time sensitive, but I really do prefer to be home when I feel like that. I don’t always throw up when I’m nauseous, but I’m always terrified that I will and I’d rather be sick at home.
I do miss out on some fun things because I want to stay at home, but it’s only been lately that it’s really upsetting me that I do that. I have missed a few really fun events that I wanted to go to, including 2 different goodbye parties for friends who are moving away from LA. Fortunately, both of those friends still have time before they each leave for the cities that they are moving to, but it still sucked to miss an event that I had been excited to attend. I know that they both understood why I didn’t make it to their parties and for both of their parties they had a lot of other friends there. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about letting my nausea stop me from going.
I don’t know why I have the ability to push through the nausea to go to workouts when I don’t have the same ability to push through to go to something fun. Maybe it’s because I know a workout is only an hour long and going to a party might be longer? Maybe it’s because in a workout I don’t have to do much with other people and at a party or event I need to be social and have fun? I’m not exactly sure what the reasons could be but I know that it’s something. And I really want to figure out how to get beyond this.
I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had to miss a lot of events due to the nausea, but I know that this isn’t necessarily going to get better. I have several more years of these weeks of nausea each month ahead of me and I don’t want to have to plan my life around those weeks. I need to work on some skills that I can use to help myself not feel as awful or to hide how I do feel. I have my various medications and homeopathic options to try to make myself feel better, but I guess it’s time to explore more options beyond what I have. And I also know that being as open about this struggle as I have been has helpful as my friends don’t seem too upset if I’m at a party and not feeling my best. They understand why I might not be chatty and they don’t bug me about why I’m not acting like my normal self.
And maybe I can use the fact that I can go to my workouts while nauseous as inspiration for how I can be out and doing fun things while nauseous. I should pay more attention to my body and what I use to make it through my workouts and use that for the rest of my life. I don’t know why I haven’t done that yet, but maybe I needed something to be the inspiration for wanting to work on this even more than I have. I still have the small hope that there will be something that will end up working for me every month to either not feel nauseous or to make it tolerable. But I also have to be realistic and plan for that to not happen. So I have to figure out my own solution to work through this to stop letting it affect my life as much as it does.
Posted onOctober 24, 2018|Comments Off on A Boring Tumor Check In (or Still A Miracle)
This week I had my appointment with my liver surgeon. I had my MRI about a week ago and this appointment was mainly just to confirm that everything is still ok with me. When I saw my surgeon a year ago, I was just so grateful to know that the shrinking tumors wasn’t a fluke. I was pretty nervous about things leading up to the appointment because I felt like things kept changing every appointment. But now, things seem almost routine (or as routine as they can be when you have multiple non-cancerous tumors in your liver).
Before my appointment with my surgeon, I had the text copy of my MRI report. When I first learned about my tumors, there were 3 of them. Last year, they could only see 2 of them. These tumors will never go away completely, but they can get so small that they aren’t seen on a scan anymore. And this time, I still only had 2 tumors in my report and they were even smaller! Last year, my surgeon mentioned that getting all my tumors under 3cm was a goal to have in mind because it makes some things less risky for me. And at that appointment last year the biggest one was just over 3cm. But according to this new MRI report, it was under that! So I was pretty excited to see my surgeon and hear what he had to say.
I’ve said this before, but I am so lucky with my liver surgeon. He is very upfront and honest about things with me, but my appointments also feel very casual and almost like a novelty. He’s not used to having patients who have shrinking tumors, so I think he is entertained by my case. And that’s fine with me because I’m pretty entertained by it too! And I think having these appointments feel so calm and casual has helped me relax about a medical situation that could be very scary.
He knew that I already saw the text to my MRI report so he confirmed what I read. My largest tumor, which started at about 10cm, was now 2.2cm. My smallest tumor is still not seen on the scan. And the medium-sized tumor had a little decrease in size from 1.1cm to 1cm (but that one started at 3cm). When we watched the images from my MRI, the biggest tumor looks so tiny in my liver now!
It’s also still completely inside my liver which is a good thing. When we discovered it, the tumor was half inside and half outside my liver. It was hanging off (as my surgeon likes to put it, it was hanging off like a bunch of grapes) and that was a very risky and dangerous thing. If the tumor broke off my liver, I could have had massive internal bleeding. It’s a big relief to know that not only is the tumor smaller, but that it is still completely inside my liver.
After looking at the images, we discussed the plan. There isn’t a big plan since this is still an unknown situation for my surgeon, but this is all good news. We discussed my future and what things can be riskier for me and what is now safe that the tumors are smaller. If in the future I need fertility treatments, they are an option for me now but I will need to be monitored. The same goes for if I’m pregnant in the future. I will still be high-risk, but it’s not as dangerous as it would have been before. Unfortunately, hormonal birth control is still too risky for me so I can’t go back to how things were before. But if that’s the only thing that is too risky for me, that’s not that bad.
We also discussed my future monitoring. My surgeon said if I wanted to have MRIs every other year instead of every year, we could do that. While I don’t love having MRIs, they aren’t the worst thing for me anymore. So I told him that if he wanted to do annual scans I would be ok with that. So he decided that I would have another MRI in a year and then we would reevaluate the plan in a year. And of course if anything changes or I have something happen, I can let him know and I can have a scan and appointment sooner. But I don’t expect anything to happen that would make me need to go in sooner than a year.
This seriously was such a normal and almost boring appointment. Nothing that big was said beyond confirming my tumors are shrinking. It’s so weird to think about how 2 years ago when I learned about the tumors everything seemed so crazy and hectic. I felt like a lot of things were happening quickly and was just trying to stay calm. Now, only 2 years later, seeing my liver surgeon was one of the easiest and least stressful doctor appointments I’ve had. The only weird thing we went over in my appointment was about the gallstone I currently have. It’s one large gallstone that is bigger than any of my tumors. But it’s better to have one big stone compared to a bunch of little ones. But we discussed that if I do have gallbladder issues again that he can take it out for me and take out the largest tumor as well. But I’m not expecting to need that soon. I haven’t had a gallbladder attack since the tumors shrank and that’s probably because the tumor was distorting my liver and pressing on my gallbladder. Now that the tumors are smaller, my gallbladder isn’t affected the same way.
So that’s really it from my appointment. There weren’t any big things discussed and the plan is to do another scan in a year. But there is no reason to expect that my tumors will grow again in the next year. I know there is a chance they won’t shrink anymore, but we aren’t expecting them to grow since they haven’t done that in any of my scans. Since discovering them 2 years ago, every scan has shown them getting smaller.
It’s been a crazy 2 year journey so far! I went from discovering I had tumors and needing surgery in October 2016, to finding out the tumors shrank in April 2017, to having them continue to shrink in my October 2017 scan, and now they’ve gotten even smaller!
Just Being Lazy In The Rain (or Not Much To Write About)
