Category Archives: Health

Another Isolated Therapy Session (or My Anxiety Is Normal)

Posted on August 7, 2020 | Comments Off on Another Isolated Therapy Session (or My Anxiety Is Normal)

Yesterday, I had my regular appointment with my therapist. Like my appointments often are, it was another virtual appointment. I’m always grateful that I can have my appointments over the phone or video chat because it saves me the drive (and the cost for parking). And nowadays, it’s pretty much a requirement to have virtual appointments to be safe. I have other doctor appointments that I need to do soon that cannot be virtual, so having one where I feel safe at home is really nice.

The main point of these appointments is to confirm my medication is ok and to make sure I’m doing alright. At my last appointment, we added a new medication but I stopped taking that already. It was something I started right when the pandemic started and my anxiety was getting really bad. I even started to notice some of my OCD tendencies were coming back. I don’t know if the medication was the only reason why I had those, but it was a variable that I could easily take out. My OCD seems to have gone back to where it was before, but my anxiety is still higher than normal. But in these times, I think being a little extra anxious is normal.

And after I confirmed with my therapist that my medication is still a good dosage and that I’m doing ok, I did mention that I’m a little anxious but I also understand that it’s normal. There was a post I’ve seen on social media a few times that says something like “I feel like I hallucinated the pandemic. I’m staying home, scared of getting sick, and taking precautions. And other people are just out there living their lives like normal.” And that’s really how I feel. Combining that idea and the idea that I’m alone on my own little planet with nobody around me is the best way to explain what isolation has felt like for me. I know that I’m doing the right thing and making small sacrifices will pay off in the long run, but it’s not easy when I’m in the middle of it.

But just like before, my therapist completely understood how I am feeling and reassured me that this is normal. I know that there are options for medications that I could take to make these feelings go away, but I’m really not feeling like trying medications right now. The last medication was stopped because I couldn’t be sure what was causing the side effects. I feel like trying something new would do the same. Maybe I would feel better, but I also won’t know when I could come off the medication because the world isn’t making me anxious and not the medication. I know right now I can work through these feelings. If anything changes, I can reach out and get help. But for now, I know that I’m not to the point where I need more help to be ok. I have been in that place before and am able to recognize if I get there again.

Just like so many of my recent appointments with my therapist, this was an easy one and it confirmed that I’m doing the right things for myself right now. I know that my eating disorder is a bit harder to deal with right now and I’m really working hard at that, but I also am going a bit easy on myself because I am going through something that none of us have ever experienced in our lifetimes. I can’t expect to have normal reactions in an abnormal situation.

I hope that by the time I have my next appointment, things will be starting to get better in the world. I will still be grateful to have a virtual appointment, but I would love it if I could feel like I have a bit more control and power over what I can do each day. I want to get back to the routine that I had been working on and helped to keep me on track. I have no clue if that will be possible by my next appointment. I keep hoping that something will change in this country so we can get the pandemic more under control and that will be a huge step forward. But for now, I just have to keep doing what I know will be keeping me safe, and working through the feelings being isolated brings up.

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Default ThumbnailAn Easy Therapist Check-In (or Virtual Appointments Make Things Easier) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress) Default ThumbnailA Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In) Default ThumbnailAnother Quick Therapy Appointment (or Video Appointments Make Things Easy) Default ThumbnailSome More Virtual Therapy (or Trying Another Medication) Default ThumbnailMoving Forward With Therapy (or Educating Myself)

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Doing A Health Check-In On Myself (or Seeing Where I’m Slipping)

Posted on July 30, 2020 | Comments Off on Doing A Health Check-In On Myself (or Seeing Where I’m Slipping)

I think it’s a pretty common thing right not to be struggling. We are going through a pandemic and life is so uncertain. People are scared of getting sick or being a carrier and getting someone they love sick. They are lonely at home or if they live with others unable to take time for themselves. Our routines are completely different and it’s hard to figure out a sense of normalcy. Almost everyone I know (at least in the US where the pandemic is still hitting us hard) is struggling with food or weight. I don’t know anyone who says they are doing just as great as they were before.

Struggling sucks. Even when you know that you aren’t alone in the struggle, it doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. And I know that I’m struggling right now. There’s no question about it. I’ve written about different struggles I’ve been having and I think that having an outlet to write about it has helped. But it hasn’t made it go away.

I want to say that I am ok and nobody should worry about me. I’m safe, I’m healthy, and I’m going to be ok. I am not worried about myself or if I’ll be ok because I know I will be. I just sometimes struggle randomly or my brain doesn’t want to remember that this time is temporary and eventually it will be done.

But even though I’m ok, that doesn’t mean I’m ok every day. I don’t believe that I have depression, but I know I have symptoms of being depressed. I am not enjoying some of the things that I know make me happy. There have been days that I wished I could just sleep away the day and thought maybe somehow the next day would be more interesting (even though my days don’t have much variety). I deal with loneliness a lot. The lack of physical contact or touch with others is a big struggle. I crave some of my normal life back and that’s just not possible.

I am working on being more social with friends and family in ways that I can be safely social. But even when I’ve had weeks where I was talking to someone on the phone or had a Zoom hang out almost every day, I still feel lonely. Being alone in my house isn’t easy. If I lived somewhere bigger, I might have asked a friend if they wanted to stay with me during this time so we didn’t have to be alone. But that’s not exactly an option for me right now. And I don’t know if seeing a friend from a distance is going to be enough for me. I know it helps because it has given me a boost when I have done it. But I also wonder if I won’t get the same boost now as I did before because I’m struggling more.

And I know my physical health is struggling too. This time is exceptionally hard for anyone with an eating disorder. I know I’ve gained weight in the past few months. Some of it is possibly stress-related, but I also know that I haven’t been eating the way that I should and my workouts aren’t as hard as they normally are. So it would make sense that I would gain weight. But I hate it. I feel really uncomfortable in my body right now. I want to get my weight back to where it was. I would prefer to work on losing weight again, but just to get back to where I was in March would be so nice. I’m trying to do the right things to get myself back on track, but then I slip up. This feels so much harder than any other time with my eating disorder and I wish I could figure out what I need to do to start getting back to the old me.

I remember seeing something on social media about how we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves now to ourselves before the pandemic started. We aren’t the same people that we were before. We are dealing with things that we never have had to go through. We are trying to live our lives through a pandemic and it’s a mix of normal life and everything being crazy. Struggling right now is normal. And it’s also normal to reach out for help. I have reached out to my therapist to make sure that I shouldn’t be worried about how I’m struggling. And I’ve been told that I’m doing ok, but if I feel like I need some help then we can discuss medication. I don’t want to go that route yet (just because of how often I deal with side effects), but I’m glad it is an option I can explore if I feel like I need it.

Hopefully writing this all down is going to help me feel a bit better about things. I can tell that it does feel like a bit of the weight holding me down has been lifted. I don’t know if this post will help me find a way back to the old me or a way to get back on track, but right now all I want to get to is to feel like I’m not struggling as much. It’s a small goal, but it would make me feel so much better.

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Needing To Take Care Of Myself (or Not Ignoring All Pain)

Posted on July 29, 2020 | Comments Off on Needing To Take Care Of Myself (or Not Ignoring All Pain)

Pain is a daily thing for me. It’s not fun and I wish my life wasn’t this way, but I have learned to deal with it. Most of my pain is related to either my hips or monthly cramps. I know what to take to try to make them better and I know that it’s nothing to worry about. Pain is just a way of life for me and I have accepted it.

But because I deal with pain every day, I also think that I ignore some other pain my body has from time to time. I don’t want to obsess over every ache and pain that I have and I’m pretty good at not paying attention to it. But at the same time, when I have pain that doesn’t go away, I don’t want to ignore it and realize things might be getting worse. And that’s something that I have been dealing with for a little while.

I had some weird pain in my elbow for the last month or so. And it just started out feeling like I might have bruised something or pulled a muscle. I didn’t think too much about it and figured it would go away. But it hasn’t been going away and it’s been getting worse. Now, there is a constant pain in my elbow and forearm. And when I wake up, my arm is hurting so much that it takes a few minutes before I can really move it.

I know this probably sounds a lot worse than it is, but it’s also not something to ignore. And based on my symptoms and where the pain is located, I’m pretty sure it’s tennis elbow. This is good because it’s not serious but not so good because there really isn’t much you can do to make it go away.

But there are some things I can do to make it better and easier to deal with while it gets better. So I’ve ordered some things like an arm brace that is supposed to support the tendons in my arm better so they don’t hurt. And a supplement that was recommended by people I know who have had the same issue. These things are supposed to arrive today so hopefully, they start to make things feel a bit better soon. But I also know it might take a month or so before I really feel like things are improving.

I guess this isn’t the worst thing or the worst timing. I’m not doing much so at least the pain isn’t affecting my life too much. And I have the time to rest and take it easy. But it still is unfortunate that I’m in pain because even though I’m used to it it’s never a fun time.

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Sleeping Away The Day (or Sometimes The Pain and Nausea Are Just Too Bad)

Posted on July 22, 2020 | Comments Off on Sleeping Away The Day (or Sometimes The Pain and Nausea Are Just Too Bad)

Every month, it’s not a surprise for me when I have to deal with pain and nausea. It’s not fun and I wish I could change this about my life, but there aren’t really any options for me that are reasonable at this moment. I could try birth control pills again, but those will likely make my tumors grow again. There’s a small chance that it won’t do that, but it’s not worth the risk for me right now. The other option is to have a hysterectomy. I’ve actually thought more seriously about this lately, but I’m not ready to take that step just yet. So until then, I just have to deal with the pain and nausea every month.

I’ve said to many people that I feel like there is a set amount of pain and nausea I have to have each cycle. Just to explain it, let’s say I have to get 100 points of pain and nausea. Sometimes, it’s 10 points for 10 days. Sometimes it’s 20 points for 5 days. But that’s a general idea. But sometimes, I feel like I get almost all the pain and nausea in just one or two days and it’s close to unbearable.

That’s exactly what happened on Monday. I had mild nausea for the few days leading up to Monday, but Monday was just the worst. The pain was making my vision go white from time to time (like what my hip pain can do at times). The nausea made me want to live on my bathroom floor all day. I honestly don’t remember having a day that bad ever, but I’m also sure that if I have my mind blocked it because it was so bad. I tried to work out and that kind of failed (more about that in my workout recap next week). I had to get some work stuff done and I did it, but it took me significantly longer than it should have because I had to keep stepping away.

And when I was done with all the stuff I had to do, I went to lay down to try to feel better. And I ended up sleeping away almost the entire day. At least when I was asleep, I wasn’t feeling the pain or nausea. I’m sure I needed some sleep because I haven’t been sleeping well lately, but this was mainly sleeping to make the day go by faster and easier. And it did do that, so I’m grateful for it.

I’m writing this post on Tuesday and I’m still pretty miserable. It’s not as bad as Monday was, but it’s still pretty bad. I’m planning on resting in bed for most of the day while medicating myself and having heat pads. I might end up sleeping the day away but I also know doing that can mess up my sleep schedule a bit. But sometimes, that’s all I can do for the day, and the best self-care that I can do is to not have to deal with the day.

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Social Media Reminders (or Another Thing To Celebrate)

Posted on July 17, 2020 | Comments Off on Social Media Reminders (or Another Thing To Celebrate)

I try to keep track of anniversaries, birthdays, and other things I want to celebrate in my calendar. I like to know when things are coming up so I can buy presents or cards. And I like having fun things on my calendar. It’s like why I like getting random fun things in the mail. It adds something positive to my life. Getting a card in the mail when I normally just get bills is so nice. Same with knowing a friend’s birthday is coming up when my calendar is usually just filled with work and appointments.

But I don’t remember to track everything or I don’t think all things need to be in my calendar. And things that I probably wouldn’t have thought about as much in normal times mean so much more to me now. I want to celebrate everything and anything I can. I even am finding myself celebrating when I don’t see a line at the grocery store or everything I want is in stock. I never thought that would be something to celebrate, but these days it really is!

I’m glad I can find little things to celebrate most days. And sometimes, I figure out what to celebrate because of social media and an alert about a memory that I posted. And earlier this week, I got a reminder about a memory that means so much to me.

This wine party was something that I was invited to attend, and even though I’m not a big drinker I totally wanted to go. I have always wanted to learn more than wine (even now when I’m not drinking I wish I knew more) and this party was being held at a bar I love. So my friend Kate and I made plans to go. And when I wrote the post about it and posted this photo on social media, that’s what I wrote about.

But the story behind this photo is a lot more. The day I went to the party and took this photo was also the day my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She called me a few hours before the party to tell me. And I broke down hard after that call. I remember calling Kate to tell her and she asked me if I still wanted to go to the party. I said that I would because it would be a good distraction. It was, but I also know that I was still in shock and a bit numb because I don’t remember much about that night.

So when this memory came up on Facebook, I immediately thought that that night. But then I remembered something else. My mom told me that when people say they’ve been cancer-free for a certain number of years, that number is based on when they were diagnosed (I’m not sure why, but that’s how it is). So this memory coming up from 7 years ago also meant that my mom has been cancer-free for 7 years!

I know that 7 years cancer-free isn’t a huge milestone like 5 years cancer-free is, but it’s still a huge thing to celebrate! I called my mom after I saw that memory pop up so I could tell her congratulations on being cancer-free for so long. Doing that was a highlight of my week. I’m so glad that my mom had amazing doctors and got the treatments that she needed so she could stay cancer-free for this long. I know she stays on top of monitoring things and it’s a relief to us all when she gets a clean bill of health.

I’m so grateful that Facebook reminded me of one of the weirdest nights of my life because it also allowed me to celebrate something else this week. I really appreciated the reminder because I don’t know if I would have remembered on my own and this is something that I for sure what to celebrate!

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LA Is Shut Down Again (or Somehow This Makes Me Feel Better)

Posted on July 15, 2020 | Comments Off on LA Is Shut Down Again (or Somehow This Makes Me Feel Better)

On Monday, it was announced that California was going to be shutting down some public spaces again. And several counties, including Los Angeles, were going to shut down even more things than what was being done throughout the state. A lot of things on the shutdown list were things that I didn’t know if they had opened at all in LA (like movie theaters or indoor restaurant seating). But there were some things that I know had reopened that were closing again. Mainly gyms and personal care places (nails, waxing, hair salons).

I haven’t been going to any of the places that are being shut down. For the most part, the only places I have gone in the past 4 months have been grocery or drug stores to get things I need or to doctor and dentist appointments. I haven’t gone anywhere for fun or entertainment. I haven’t been out and enjoying the city even as things reopened. And I’ve been having very mixed feelings about pretty much being a shut-in inside my house.

I know that the virus is serious and needs to be taken seriously. This is not something that isn’t a big deal or as simple as the flu. Even if you have a mild case or no symptoms, there is nothing known about the long-term effects. And from what the research has shown so far, it does appear that there are long-term effects and people might have health issues in the future. But we won’t know until it happens. So I am staying home to stay healthy and make sure that I don’t get sick. For me, it is more about keeping myself safe than protecting others since I don’t really interact with anyone else. But to keep me healthy is a good reason to be home. And I do take every precaution when I go out in public. I wear a mask. I stay away from others. I keep a distance. I don’t do anything that isn’t necessary.

But as things were reopening, I was starting to worry that I was using the virus as a reason to isolate myself from others for another reason. I don’t know why I would be isolating myself, but it was starting to feel like I was doing that. I saw people posting about going out still keeping a distance from others while being out of their homes. People have been going to parks, doing more than just the essential errands, and starting to live their lives again. I was worried that I was too scared to do all of that and what it meant for me. I don’t want to pick up new habits that make me not want to go out and be around others when it seems safe to do so.

And I still don’t know if that was the right choice or not then, but now I feel a bit better about my decisions since things were shut down. Nobody is really going out and doing much anymore. I know we need to do this because the numbers are rising again and we cannot just sit around and hope we don’t get sick. We need to take steps to make sure we aren’t getting sick and a big part of that is having a safer at home order. Things aren’t as strict as they were in the beginning, but they are stricter than what they were a week or two again. To me, it doesn’t really make much of a difference unless they decide that dental offices have to fully close because I still need to go back to finish my appointment.

With things shut down, I no longer have to think about if I want to try to leave my house and do something. I am just going to stay home and keep myself safe. And hopefully either this closing will bring the numbers back down or something else will happen that will help keep us safe and healthy. I am ready for things to be open again and to be able to feel safe to be out and around others. But we are not there yet and I’m not willing to rush things and take a chance. Waiting until things are safe isn’t easy or fun, but it does seem to be the right decision for me.

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Another Hip Surgery Anniversary Down (or I Wonder What The Pandemic Means For My Hip Issues)

Posted on July 7, 2020 | Comments Off on Another Hip Surgery Anniversary Down (or I Wonder What The Pandemic Means For My Hip Issues)

Today marks another anniversary of my hip surgery. It’s been 14 years since my surgery, and I still am amazed that it has been my only hip surgery so far. I was sure that by this point I would have had at least one more. The goal is still to not need a hip replacement for either side for a few more years (the original goal was to be at least 40 when I get them), and I am glad that I have been able to meet that goal so far.

My hip issues have been a roller coaster since they started. I’ve had lots of good days, lots of meh days, and some really bad days. Sometimes it’s the side that was operated on that hurts and sometimes it the side that hasn’t had surgery yet that is causing the issues. When it’s the side that was operated on that is hurting, I’m terrified that I have caused enough damage that I can’t put off a hip replacement. When it’s the other side, I’m scared that I finally tore the cartilage and will need the first surgery. I have seen a doctor that told me that I was doing fine, so I know that when I have those fears that it’s unlikely to be the real issue. But I can’t help but be scared since the original issue seemed to come on so quickly.

With the pandemic, I’ve noticed some good and bad things for my hips. The good is that I’m not doing as much so I don’t have some of the pain I get from being active. I’m not getting tired, which can cause my posture to suffer and I stand funny. And when that happens, my hip that was operated on can almost slip around in my hip socket. I describe it as dislocating my hip, but it isn’t really that. It just can pop out of place and I have to pop it back in. I know it sounds gross, but I’ve been doing this for so long so I’m used to it. And in the past few months, I’ve rarely had to do it since I’m not moving around as much (which I know has its own problems).

But there has been an unexpected issue that is making things harder for me. I rarely leave my house, but when I do it’s usually to go to the grocery store. I try to do grocery delivery when I can, but there are some stores that don’t have delivery options or I need something and can’t get a delivery time. And when I go to the grocery store, there are lines both outside and inside. Standing still in line is really hard on my hips. It can make walking and moving extremely painful. When I’m lined up inside to pay, it’s not as bad because I can usually lean on the shopping cart. But when it’s outside, I just have to tolerate it. I try to keep shifting my body weight to make it better, but there have been times that I got home from the grocery store and needed to take my strongest painkillers to continue on with my day.

I do have a cane, but I don’t like to use it. I probably need to get over that and bring it with me to the store. Or I need to look at the lines at stores and maybe only go when there isn’t a line. I know there are solutions for this issue, I just haven’t really worked on it yet. And even with the bad days I’ve had recently, it’s still better than the mix of good, meh, and bad days that I normally have. I have had significantly more good days than normal. Overall, I think I’m doing better than normal even if it doesn’t feel like that when I’m having a bad day.

I’m probably overdue to see an orthopedic surgeon again to get some x-rays and an exam. Maybe when things are safer and more normal again I will look into making a new appointment. I’m not too worried about it now because I know that even if the worst-case scenario is happening, nothing is urgent and needs to be dealt with immediately. I can wait a bit to make sure I do things when they are best for me.

Hopefully, in a year things will be normal again and I can celebrate the 15th anniversary of my hip surgery feeling a bit more confident about how my hips are doing. Hopefully, I will have a better idea of what my pain issues are really like and not just what they are like during a pandemic and isolation. It’s not easy to celebrate much these days, but I am celebrating making it 14 years since my hip surgery without needing another one. That’s not something I expected to happen and it’s amazing that it did.

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I Can’t Avoid Everything Right Now (or Of Course I Would Have A Dental Issue)

Posted on July 3, 2020 | Comments Off on I Can’t Avoid Everything Right Now (or Of Course I Would Have A Dental Issue)

For the most part, I have been not scheduling appointments that I typically would have right now. I do need to schedule some things, like some annual doctor appointments, but I’m really trying to wait it out until I feel like things are safer. For my doctor appointments, I’m lucky because they are at a medical office and not the main hospital (so no COVID patients are there), but I still don’t want to go in until things feel safer since I would be around sick people.

Even with the appointments that I have that are not fun, I typically don’t avoid them or put them off. I hate blood work, but I will do it when I have to. I hate going to the dentist, but since I usually have to go 3 times a year I will do it. I don’t skip appointments. I know things will get worse if I do skip them.

I was supposed to go to the dentist in April. Everything was shut down then, so I didn’t have my appointment. I think they might have been open for real emergencies, but a cleaning isn’t an emergency. When they re-opened for normal appointments in May, I hesitated to go back. I knew I needed to, but there is obviously no way to wear a mask while at the dentist. So I said as long as it was ok with them, I wanted to wait until the summer or things felt safer. They said it would be fine. And that was my plan until last week.

I have had a lot of dental work done and I know that nothing will last forever. But I don’t want things to need to be redone and I work hard to make sure my teeth and all the work that has been done is in good shape. But sometimes you can do everything right and you still need work. Last week, I was eating dinner and one of my crowns felt loose. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, I could just tell something was not right. I bit down and it seemed to get the crown back in place. But I knew that I had to get that looked at because it could mean a lot of different things that aren’t good.

So I called to make an appointment to get my crown looked at and figured I would do my cleaning as well since I would be going in. I have had a loose crown before and they were just able to reglue it. I was hoping that would be the case, but I was prepared for something worse. And unfortunately, it was something worse.

I’m lucky that this happened because the reason my crown got loose was that I had a tiny cavity on my gumline. That cavity made my tooth not be the same shape, so the crown didn’t fit perfectly anymore. And the glue was getting a bit loose too because it was shifting. There is no way to make the original crown work, so I had to get everything done for a new one. But since I already had a crown, most of the hard work was already done. They had to do a little drilling to remove the cavity, but it was so fast that I didn’t need to be numbed for it. Then they made a mold of my tooth for the new one. And because the original crown was close to fitting correctly, they were able to clean it and reuse it to be my temporary crown. It doesn’t fit perfectly, but it’s good enough for now.

I’ll be going back in about a week for my permanent crown and for my teeth cleaning. I didn’t get the cleaning done since it’s better to do that once the new permanent crown is in. Right now, things are just too temporary and loose to do a good cleaning. But at least going in for that appointment I know that they won’t be finding anything wrong with me. I had a full exam and full x-rays while I went in for this first appointment. So the next one should be easy enough.

Just like my afternoon at urgent care, I guess this is a way to add some variety in my life. It’s not exactly something fun to do, but it was necessary. And I do feel better knowing that I’m not putting off my dentist appointment anymore. I know things will still be crazy when I’m there in a week. But maybe by the time I have my next appointment after that in 4 months, things will be a bit more normal and my only stress about going to the dentist will be the dentist and not how to stay safe from COVID.

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Still Wondering About The New Normal (or Baby Steps Back)

Posted on June 26, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Wondering About The New Normal (or Baby Steps Back)

I’ve written several posts about my curiosity about what the new normal will be like or my fears about things reopening. It’s a very weird time and I think many people have the same thoughts that I do. In some ways, I want things to be back to feeling normal, and in other ways, I’m terrified about it. I think I was feeling a bit better about it before we started reopening things in LA because it did seem like the number of cases each day was doing down. Now, we are increasing again and that’s not what should be happening.

I know that they said that there may be an increase in cases as things open and that there are other numbers to consider. Some people say the number of people hospitalized is a better thing to track. Some say to only look at the number of people who passed away. I have been watching all the numbers because I really don’t know what is best and I’d rather have a good overall idea of what is happening. And even though I am staying informed, I still am very confused about things and really can’t tell if I should be more or less worried than I am right now. So for now, I’m pretty much not changing what I’ve been doing for the past few months. I don’t really leave my house for anything except essential errands and I try to limit those to once a week. I will have a few other outings happening, but I’m not doing a lot (I’ll write more about those outings soon).

Staying home is really the safest thing, but I know I can’t do this forever. And since I will have to start living my life again eventually, I’ve been trying to plan how to live a bit more normally. I have gotten a lot of masks in different styles because I expect masks to be a part of normal life for a while. I do have some that I think I can use for workouts if I do go back to Orangetheory. I might look into some that seem to be designed for working out. I have some that I feel are cute because I don’t want to just have boring masks. If I’m going to wear them for a long time, I want to make it as fun for me as possible.

For a while, going to get groceries was very stressful for me. Seeing the lines at the stores, worrying about what I would or wouldn’t be able to find when I get inside, and just feeling like I’m experiencing something very weird made me so uneasy. I have been doing a lot of grocery deliveries because it made things a bit easier for me. But I can’t get all the stores I might shop at delivered to me. So I’ve been doing a bit more grocery shopping on my own. And while sometimes I have still had to wait in line, the last 2 times I went to one store I was able to just walk right in. And they had everything in stock so I was able to get everything I wanted. It’s odd that being able to get things I want feels so special. I need to stop thinking like things are scarce and I might not be able to make a plan for shopping. I want to get back into making real shopping lists to work on making meals and not just shopping to see what I can find.

I haven’t done a lot of stuff outside of my house so I don’t know what it’s like to go shopping in stores or eating at a restaurant. I don’t need to do either of those things so I’m fine waiting. But I have been paying attention to the new rules and policies so that I have a better idea of what might be expected if I do venture out to something like that.

Things do change a lot and quickly, so the steps I’m seeing now to the new normal might not be the steps that happen. Being an observer of these policies does help me feel better and since I’m not directly worried about them the changes don’t bother me too much. I just stay on top of knowing what is going on so I am prepared. The new normal is starting and I have no clue how long it will take until I feel like things are really normal again. It might take years until I feel like I can be as comfortable being out of my house as I used to. I hope it doesn’t take that long, but then again I never thought I’d be staying in my house like this for over 3 months.

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I Guess This Makes Me Feel A Bit Better (or A Physical Explanation For My Emotional Symptoms)

Posted on June 24, 2020 | Comments Off on I Guess This Makes Me Feel A Bit Better (or A Physical Explanation For My Emotional Symptoms)

The past week, I’ve been struggling more than normal. I haven’t been sleeping well. I have been feeling off. I had some body aches and pains that I couldn’t explain. And I just had a general feeling of uneasiness. I assumed that this was due to isolation and my mental health. I know a lot of people are dealing with a bit of depression right now and it made sense to me that I might be dealing with the same. I would almost be worried if I didn’t have a bit of depression right now. I don’t want the current state of the world to be normal to me.

So I had been trying to do things to make me feel better. I’ve been especially focusing on my sleep because I know when I’m tired it makes everything harder for me. I just couldn’t seem to sleep well even if I was going to bed early. I was tossing and turning a lot, and some of that was due to hip pain. I also couldn’t reach deep sleep and when I did I had some really weird dreams that made me wake up feeling very unsettled. Again, I assumed this was all due to the circumstances with the world and didn’t think too much about it.

And then, I ended up getting my period almost 2 weeks early. Sorry if this is TMI, but I write about this plenty. I write about how much pain and nausea I deal with and how much it affects my life. And usually, I deal with a lot of symptoms for 5-7 days before my period starts and I am pretty miserable. For some reason, because I wasn’t dealing with nausea, I didn’t even consider that everything I was dealing with could be this. Also, since I’m usually pretty regular I never would think that I would get my period 2 weeks early.

There are so many reasons why this happened. I am guessing a lot of it is stress and nothing more than that. I know there can be medical reasons for this, but that’s usually when you have irregularity happening more consistently and this was just random for me. Or at least I hope it’s random. I track things so I will know if it’s happening a lot before my next doctor’s appointment.

And now, I’m dealing with the pain and nausea that I usually have. That’s really annoying because I just got over nausea about a week and a half ago. I thought I would have more freedom from it. I’m used to having more time without it. But I can’t do much now except try to take care of myself with my usual remedies and medications. It’s not as bad as it has been before, so that is a good sign. Of course, it could get worse as this week goes on. But I’m going to be grateful that it’s not bad now and I didn’t have the week of nausea before this that I was expecting.

As frustrating as it is to have my period be 2 weeks early, in some ways, it’s also a relief. I never thought all these issues I was dealing with could be related to my period since I wasn’t expecting it. But now that I know my cycle was thrown off, almost everything makes sense. The weird pains I was experiencing can almost all be explained by this (except my hip pain, but that might be a weather thing). Moodiness and fatigue make sense. The issues sleeping make more sense, even though that’s not something I normally have it’s something I occasionally have. The general feeling of uneasiness makes perfect sense now. And while I can’t feel certain that everything I’ve been experiencing will end when my period does, I do have a bit of hope that it will. I don’t have to worry as much that this is just how I’m mentally doing because these issues did come on suddenly. I hope they will go away just as suddenly.

I know that if I googled irregular cycles that there can be a lot of reasons to worry (especially when you consider my age). But since this is a one-off thing for now, I’m not going to think too much about it. Hopefully, things regulate in my body for the next cycle. And if they don’t, then I can discuss it with my doctor when I go in for my next appointment. But for now, I’m just grateful that I have a better idea about why I have been feeling so off for the past few days.

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