Category Archives: Dating

I’ve said over and over again that I have learned so much about myself through my dating adventures. Sometimes I have learned good things and sometimes they are really difficult lessons that I have to work through. But I think that most of the time, even the difficult situations lead to positive changes and I feel like every experience that I’ve had in my past has led me to where I am today. It’s not an easy thing to go through, and I feel like anyone who is actively dating would say the same thing, but I also know that I’ve grown quite a bit and that I have been able to be better at a lot of different life skills through what has happened while dating.

One of the big things I’ve learned through dating is making sure that I really do speak up for myself. In the past, I have tried to not be a problem or be someone who doesn’t go along with others. That hasn’t gotten me what I wanted, but for whatever reason, I think I believed that I didn’t deserve what I wanted. It’s not easy to speak up in any situation, but I think with dating there is a little extra fear for me. I don’t want to scare someone off, but it’s taken time for me to understand that if I scare someone off by saying what I want, they aren’t the right person for me.

In a weird way, the pandemic helped me with doing this more because I had to be more selective with who I met. I had to make sure I wasn’t taking unnecessary risks, and if someone asked me to meet them somewhere that didn’t feel safe for me, I had to turn it down for my safety. I got really good at explaining why I wanted to meet someone outside versus in a bar and that was good practice for me since that didn’t feel as scary. But over time, I got better at explaining what I wanted with dating. I explained to the guys I was matching with that I wanted to go on dates with someone that wanted to go and do things, not just sit at home and watch tv. I want to find a partner to enjoy life with, not just someone to be around while I did my normal daily things. And while I was good about saying that’s what I wanted, I wasn’t good about enforcing that idea with the guys I was matching with. Someone might plan a fun first date, and then after that, they start saying they are tired and just want to come over and watch tv. And when I ask for more, nothing happens and that’s the end of me seeing them.

I don’t know if I’m getting better at enforcing what I want or if I’m meeting people who actually respect me more, but I’ve been having more luck recently with actually going on dates. I’ve had some really fun dates planned in the past week or so and it’s exactly what I’ve been hoping for. I have explained to them that I have been having fun going out and exploring LA, so I have expressed that I want this to continue. But it feels like for the first time I’m being heard when I say what I want.

And I’m also being heard in another way that I appreciate. I struggle with the fear that I’m going to be ghosted. I’ve been ghosted enough by guys that I have liked and thought I’d get to see again, and I always fear that someone will change their mind without telling me and they will disappear. I said that to someone that I went out with recently and explained that one way for me to be less anxious is for somewhat regular communication. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but just checking in via text every day or so can make me feel so much better. I worried by telling this guy that he would think I’m too much to deal with and he wouldn’t want to do this. But I’m pleasantly surprised that he completely understood and we’ve been having regular text conversations between dates. I spoke up about what I needed to not feel anxious and worried about what will happen, and now I don’t have to have a nagging fear in the back of my head that something has ended without me knowing.

I’m sure this sounds so basic to so many people and that I should have done this sooner. And I agree that I wish I had started speaking up sooner and also enforcing what I have asked for. But it’s scary for me to do that and I still always worry that someone will think I’m more trouble than I’m worth. But I’m glad that for now, I’ve been able to do that and I’m seeing some really positive results from my efforts.

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When I was setting up my profiles on dating apps several years ago, I was very careful about what photos I added to them. I wanted to make sure they were good photos of myself, but also photos that really represented who I am and what I look like. I know some people might say to not do full-body photos since you might get more matches, I’d prefer to represent my authentic self so nobody is surprised if we meet up. I’ve gone on plenty of first dates where I didn’t see my date at first because they look nothing like their photos. I didn’t want anyone to accuse me of doing that.

I tried to change up some of the photos from time to time, especially if I got a new photo that I really loved. I don’t think I’ve changed how I look too much in the last few years, but I still want to keep more recent photos in my profile if possible. I didn’t always change all the photos, but I would change one or two at a time if I had a new favorite. But I did always try to make sure I had at least one full-body shot and that any closer photos or selfies didn’t have weird angles where I looked drastically different.

I haven’t changed my photos that much in the past few years because I haven’t felt like I’ve had many photos that I loved. But that was also because I just wasn’t taking photos when I was isolated at home. I would take some random ones from time to time to send to friends, but they weren’t photos that I would want to put onto a dating app. I don’t think a photo of me in my tiny living room while attempting to work out would be the best representation of myself. They did show my personality, but they weren’t flattering because I didn’t really care how I looked in those photos.

But earlier this week, I just was starting to get sick of the endless cycle I feel like I’ve gotten into with dating apps. I will match with people, message them for a while, and they will either ghost me or we’ll go on a date or two and that’s where it ends. It’s hard to not be frustrated when it seems like the same things happen over and over again. I have tried to change things that are within my control, such as not tolerating messaging that crossed a line instead of just trying to see what happens.

I changed up a profile a bit, but since I actually really love what it says I didn’t make a lot of changes. But I tried to make things a bit clearer. And when I went to try to change out photos, I started searching back in my photos for which ones I could include instead of the ones I already use. And I just don’t have many photos of myself from the past year. I have a few, but most of those have already been added to my profiles before. Or I have group photos, but they aren’t the most flattering or easiest to see me in and I don’t want someone seeing a photo but they can’t find me in it or it will turn them off.

I used to take more photos when I would do things out with friends like go to Disneyland. And since I’m not doing stuff like that anymore, I just don’t feel like taking photos when I’m out that have me in them. I have a lot of photos of going out to fun dinners or shows, but they don’t have me in them. I need to get better about asking friends to take photos of me or I need to just stage a little photo shoot in my place using a tripod and setting up my phone. I want to be able to replace more of the photos that I’ve been using for a while. I know that changing up a dating app profile can help more people see you, but it’s not just for that reason. I just want it to feel like it accurately represents me now and not just what I was like a few years ago.

Of course, I still think in the back of my mind that maybe I’ll meet the right person before I go through this effort and change things up, but I also know that sitting back and hoping for things to happen isn’t the best way to go about life. I need to make an effort, and hopefully taking more photos and changing up my profiles will be a good enough effort for me to have some different results.

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My journey with dating has taught me so many lessons over the past few years. I’ve learned to stand up for myself a lot more, which has really helped me to not waste as much time as I did in the past. I don’t try to play cool about things and speak up if I want something that doesn’t seem to be happening. I might not have as many dates now as I did a few years ago, but they tend to be better dates. Or at least they are dates with guys who claim to be looking for the same thing as what I’m looking for. They aren’t always good dates and there have been guys who have lied to me, but I’m very upfront about what I want and I’m not worried I’ll scare someone away. The right person will not be scared off.

I’ve also learned that I don’t have to tolerate bad dates or bad messages on apps. If someone starts to send me messages that are inappropriate or make me uncomfortable, I don’t have to see if things will get better unless I think that maybe there is some miscommunication. I will unmatch with someone without worrying that could be rude when I’m not ok with messaging with them anymore. Because I don’t give out my phone number until I meet someone in person, I haven’t had to block too many people from being able to call or text me, but I’m starting to be more ok with that and I have had to block one person from my past. But fortunately, since I don’t give out my number too quickly, I don’t think I will have to do that too often.

But it’s much easier for me to end bad or unwanted messages than it is for me to end a bad date. I’ve walked away quickly from a handful of dates, but it tends to be when something pretty extreme happens that makes me feel very uncomfortable or worried about my safety. For other bad dates where I might just be uneasy, I usually end up looking at my watch and trying to find a graceful way to leave. If it’s been an hour, that seems like a reasonable amount of time to leave a first date. Or if my phone is buzzing, I might lie and say that something came up and I needed to go. But I still try to be polite when possible even if I’m leaving a date very quickly.

Over this past weekend, I had a first date with someone new. It was during the day, which is a rare first date for me but I was happy to not be out at night when it’s been a lot colder. We were going to meet at my usual first date spot, which is an outdoor seating area near where I live. I like that location since it’s in public and there are always people around. Plus there are options to get something to eat or walk around if we decide to do so. I do prefer to meet closer to where I live so I don’t have to drive that far. And this time, my date was driving somewhat far to meet me. I usually try to only meet someone who lives a reasonable distance from me, but this guy was willing to come to my side of LA which was about an hour-long drive.

And from the beginning of that date, I knew it wasn’t going well. He said things that made me very hesitant. I tried to not judge him too quickly and thought maybe it was just nerves on his end that made him say things like that. But he continued to say things that made me realize quickly that we weren’t a good match. But because he drove over an hour to meet me, I really felt guilty ending the date quickly and tried to see if I could make it for about an hour. If he hadn’t driven that far, I probably would have ended things a lot sooner and that’s really what I should have done. But I guess I was lucky that he ended up storming off after about 15 minutes because when he asked me if I thought the date was going well I was honest and said I didn’t think we were a good match. He wanted me to explain why, and I was starting to feel more uncomfortable and I tried to just say it seems like we don’t have the same interests. I’m glad he ended up walking away so I could leave too.

I know that he drove a lot longer than the date lasted, but I’ve been in situations where I drove a lot longer than a date as well. I know it’s been a long process of learning how it’s ok to not always be polite, and I guess I found another of my weaknesses because I wanted to not feel bad about how long he drove. But at the same time, I was willing to waste an hour of my day on someone who wasn’t worthy of it. And that should have been important to me. I should have valued my time (and I guess his as well) and ended the date soon after I knew that it wasn’t going to work.

I don’t want to say that I will be able to do that the next time something like this happens to me, but I hope that I will remember what my time is worth and that I shouldn’t have to waste it.

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I wrote recently about how I got unexpected closure from someone I went out with several years ago. When things left off with him, I had been very clear about what I was looking for through dating and what standards I had for a potential relationship. I know that putting expectations on people isn’t always a good thing, but I felt like I had to share what my bare minimum was so he could at least attempt to match what I am looking for. If I don’t explain how I like to have regular communication such as texting, how can I expect him to know that’s what I am looking for him to do? And when we said goodbye, I knew I had put it all out there, but I also knew that he might not be able to be the person I’m looking for.

And my hesitation was accurate because I quickly figured out that this wasn’t going to work. He quickly reverted back to old patterns which were the reasons why we didn’t work out years ago. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me or respecting what I had said I wanted. I understand that it might have been more than what he wanted, but that’s why I said I didn’t think we should see each other again if he couldn’t do those things. I wouldn’t have had hard feelings if he ended it because he couldn’t match what I needed. I honestly would have respected him for hearing me and knowing he couldn’t do that.

But instead, he was trying to get me to compromise. And at first, I was willing to compromise on some things with him. But as we talked, the more it sounded like he wanted me to compromise to what he wanted, not to meet in the middle. And I had to call him out on it. And I don’t know if I have a clearer head now or if it’s just from having a few more years of life experience, but I started to recognize behaviors that didn’t sit right with me.

He was dismissing some of my feelings about things. I would say that it felt like he was treating me one way, and his response was just that he didn’t feel that way so I shouldn’t feel the same. When I called him out for only wanting me to compromise to be what he wanted and not meet in the middle, he kept asking me if I was sure that I didn’t want what he was looking for. He knew things that I wanted and was looking for, and was trying to use that to convince me to agree with him on things. And I probably would have fallen for this before and just accepted whatever I could get and not held out for what I wanted or knew I deserved.

But even though I’m proud of myself for being strong in what I want, it wasn’t easy. I have been severely touch-starved for the past few years. I had more isolation than almost anyone else I know since I don’t have roommates or pets. I went almost 100 days without any physical contact from another person. I never would have imagined being able to do that, and I think I am still feeling some of the effects of that. In the back of my head, I wonder if I should just accept what I can get because that’s better sometimes than being lonely. But I also know that if I’m accepting something that isn’t what I want, I will be more lonely in the end because it will just feel unfulfilling. Both situations aren’t ideal, but I think not having something that is half-ass is the lesser of the two evils.

As much as I would have liked to have seen if something could have worked out with this guy, I think we’ve officially hit our end. I’m sure he will still reach out to me eventually to see if I’ve changed my mind, but I know I won’t unless he has grown to the standard that I am looking for. But he seemed pretty clear that he couldn’t see himself changing for several years. And I have no plans on waiting to see if or when he changes. I need to find the person who is right for me at this point and not the idea of what someone might be in the future. But it still felt like this was a test and I had the chance to go against my best interests. I’m sad that things probably will never be more than what they were, but I’m still proud of myself for not falling for things I fell for before and continuing to stay strong for what I know I want and deserve.

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I just wrote about how someone from my past was chatting with me again. This happens from time to time, but rarely does it lead to anything. I try to be open-minded and give people second chances if they didn’t do anything that hurt me, but it’s not always easy. I haven’t always allowed someone that second chance if I see behaviors from the past happening again or if I realize that I just don’t have the same interest in them again as I did before. It’s tough to tell someone that you just don’t want to try again, especially with some of my anxiety around dating. But I’m getting better about doing that for myself.

I can only think of one other person that I gave a real second chance. And after I did that, he ended up ghosting me again and it showed me that he was not the person I hoped he would be. And while it did hurt when he ghosted me the second time, it felt very different than the first time. It hurt less and somehow it felt more settled and I was at ease. I couldn’t figure out how to put words to my feelings, but I finally figured it out after this past weekend.

I gave the guy I mentioned last week another chance and saw him this past weekend. There were a lot of things we needed to talk about because we hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years. There were misunderstandings from our past that we never discussed with each other. And I was very hesitant to see him because I didn’t know if he could be the type of guy that I am looking for. But I wanted to hear what he had to say, and I think we did have a good discussion about what a future could be.

In the past, I did play cool and was scared of scaring someone off if I came off too strong. I don’t know if it’s age or experience, but I don’t care if I scare someone off anymore. I’m not trying to rush anything, but I’m also not scared to say what I want long-term. I’m not avoiding the question or just saying that I don’t know what I want. I do know and I’m looking for someone who wants the same. And with this guy before, I wasn’t always just playing cool but there was some confusion about what I wanted. And I might not have been as clear to him at the end as I should have been. But this time, we were both very clear about what we wanted and what a relationship would look like to us. It was a really good conversation and some of the things we discussed were things I never really have talked about with other guys I’ve dated. So I was happy where things left off because I said exactly what I would need from him to be ok pursuing something further.

And I really don’t know if he could be the guy that I need. I think he is still uncertain about some things for his future and how he sees dating. I told him that he knows exactly where I stand and what I need, so it’s up to him if he wants things to move forward. I don’t want to have to force someone to make plans with me. I know he wants to see me again, but I’m not someone’s backup plan or just waiting for when they tell me they are free so I can drop everything to see them. I want plans. I don’t need to be someone’s first priority in life, but I should be a bit of a priority. And I don’t know if he is willing to plan things in advance since before he preferred to make plans only a few hours in advance.

Before I saw him again this past weekend, I had a lot of “what if” questions in my head. We didn’t end because of anything bad, it just fizzled out when we were looking for different things. And I always wondered if there could have been more. And now looking back at that time, I think I wondered that because I was never upfront and honest about what I wanted or how I like to date. I was letting others dictate how dating looked and just went along with it instead of asking for what I felt it could be.

And now, I feel so much more settled about how things left off. I might see him again and I might not. But I’m not wondering anymore because I was very clear with him about my feelings and I didn’t hold anything back. And as I was thinking back on this past weekend and the guy last year who I gave another chance, I realized what the feeling was getting after seeing these guys again was closure.

I know that you can’t necessarily get closure on a past relationship. There are ways to get a bit of closure, but there are usually things left unsaid or unanswered. But the closure I got last year and this past weekend wasn’t from the guys I saw. This was the closure I got from my past self who was scared to stand up for herself. I got closure from the past when I didn’t do what I should have done the first time. I have closure about wondering if these guys could be the guys I would need in my life without wondering if I gave them the chance to rise to that expectation. I wasn’t looking for closure with either of them, but it appears that’s what I got and probably what I needed.

Even if I continue to see the guy from this past weekend, I still got closure on our past and that would allow us to move forward. I know I’m a different person than I was 5 years ago and wouldn’t want to be judged based on my past self. And I shouldn’t be judging him on his past self. I can still expect and want something different from before, but I shouldn’t be judging the past and assuming he couldn’t be different now. He would still have to show me some things that prove he has changed, but I’m looking at it as asking someone new if they could be that type of person.

I never really understood how my past was so unfinished and I know I can’t change the past. But I guess I found a way to finally close the chapter from years ago and potentially start a new chapter with someone. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens with him. But I do know that if we don’t move forward, I finally feel like I have made myself heard in a past relationship and that is a powerful feeling.

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