I’ve said over and over again that I have learned so much about myself through my dating adventures. Sometimes I have learned good things and sometimes they are really difficult lessons that I have to work through. But I think that most of the time, even the difficult situations lead to positive changes and I feel like every experience that I’ve had in my past has led me to where I am today. It’s not an easy thing to go through, and I feel like anyone who is actively dating would say the same thing, but I also know that I’ve grown quite a bit and that I have been able to be better at a lot of different life skills through what has happened while dating.
One of the big things I’ve learned through dating is making sure that I really do speak up for myself. In the past, I have tried to not be a problem or be someone who doesn’t go along with others. That hasn’t gotten me what I wanted, but for whatever reason, I think I believed that I didn’t deserve what I wanted. It’s not easy to speak up in any situation, but I think with dating there is a little extra fear for me. I don’t want to scare someone off, but it’s taken time for me to understand that if I scare someone off by saying what I want, they aren’t the right person for me.
In a weird way, the pandemic helped me with doing this more because I had to be more selective with who I met. I had to make sure I wasn’t taking unnecessary risks, and if someone asked me to meet them somewhere that didn’t feel safe for me, I had to turn it down for my safety. I got really good at explaining why I wanted to meet someone outside versus in a bar and that was good practice for me since that didn’t feel as scary. But over time, I got better at explaining what I wanted with dating. I explained to the guys I was matching with that I wanted to go on dates with someone that wanted to go and do things, not just sit at home and watch tv. I want to find a partner to enjoy life with, not just someone to be around while I did my normal daily things. And while I was good about saying that’s what I wanted, I wasn’t good about enforcing that idea with the guys I was matching with. Someone might plan a fun first date, and then after that, they start saying they are tired and just want to come over and watch tv. And when I ask for more, nothing happens and that’s the end of me seeing them.
I don’t know if I’m getting better at enforcing what I want or if I’m meeting people who actually respect me more, but I’ve been having more luck recently with actually going on dates. I’ve had some really fun dates planned in the past week or so and it’s exactly what I’ve been hoping for. I have explained to them that I have been having fun going out and exploring LA, so I have expressed that I want this to continue. But it feels like for the first time I’m being heard when I say what I want.
And I’m also being heard in another way that I appreciate. I struggle with the fear that I’m going to be ghosted. I’ve been ghosted enough by guys that I have liked and thought I’d get to see again, and I always fear that someone will change their mind without telling me and they will disappear. I said that to someone that I went out with recently and explained that one way for me to be less anxious is for somewhat regular communication. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but just checking in via text every day or so can make me feel so much better. I worried by telling this guy that he would think I’m too much to deal with and he wouldn’t want to do this. But I’m pleasantly surprised that he completely understood and we’ve been having regular text conversations between dates. I spoke up about what I needed to not feel anxious and worried about what will happen, and now I don’t have to have a nagging fear in the back of my head that something has ended without me knowing.
I’m sure this sounds so basic to so many people and that I should have done this sooner. And I agree that I wish I had started speaking up sooner and also enforcing what I have asked for. But it’s scary for me to do that and I still always worry that someone will think I’m more trouble than I’m worth. But I’m glad that for now, I’ve been able to do that and I’m seeing some really positive results from my efforts.
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