Monthly Archives: September 2022

Finally Feeling Better (or Just In Time To Feel Bad Again)

I wrote earlier about how I have had some health-related things to deal with every week for the past month. I think it affected my mental health more than I wanted to admit because I really have been down this week. There were other things that caused me to be in a bad mood, but feeling sick or off always seems to make things worse. But I knew that all the physical health stuff I was dealing with would get better even if it seemed to be taking longer than I would have liked.

And finally, I’m feeling normal again. Dealing with the side effects from the booster shot seemed to be a bit more than what I’m used to, but looking back now I don’t think it was as bad as I sometimes go through with the flu shot. I think it might have just hit me harder than I’m used to, but it didn’t last as long as it can with the flu shot. Almost all of my severe side effects were gone within 48 hours. The only real things that lasted longer were my swollen lymph nodes and feeling a bit weak in my workouts. I think I’m still feeling a little weak in my workouts, but I can finally do a lot of things that I was struggling with at the beginning of the week. And I’m sure that my lymph nodes are still a bit swollen, but they are no longer swollen to the point where you could see them and it was affecting how much I could lower my arm. I know I saw reports online about not getting a mammogram for 1-2 months after getting the vaccine because a swollen lymph node could be mistaken for something else. So I think it’s very possible that I could still have them swollen for a while, but I don’t really mind if it’s not affecting what I can actually do day to day.

And my back has been an issue for a few weeks now. It was slowly getting better, but it also felt like I was taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back every day. I would see improvement one way but then discover another way that things might have been worse. I have just been doing everything I could to take care of myself. I was making sure I was taking pain medication when things were getting worse so I didn’t compensate for pain with bad posture and have more issues later. I used topical pain relief throughout the day to help the pain but limit how much medication I took every day. I was trying to do stretches when I could, but I also noticed that they sometimes would hurt me more.

The worst of my back pain seemed to be when I was in bed. I don’t know why laying down was so painful for me, but it really was a struggle. And as I mentioned, I wasn’t sleeping well because every time I moved, the pain woke me up. And this has been an issue since my back started to hurt. But 2 nights ago, I noticed I moved while laying in bed and reading and I didn’t have searing pain in my back. I didn’t keep moving around to test if things would hurt since I didn’t want to jinx myself. But then last night, it continued to be somewhat ok while I moved in bed. I wasn’t waking up all night because of the pain, which was so nice. I do still have some back pain, but it’s really mild now compared to how it was even at the beginning of the week.

I’m so grateful that I’m feeling better with these two things. Although now, I’m just waiting to see how bad my pain and nausea will be this month. Normally, it would have kicked in by now but it hasn’t yet. I’m glad it hasn’t started since I’ve been dealing with other things, but I’m also worried that this could mean that next week will be even worse. I know I can’t think that and I just have to keep hoping this month won’t be bad. I also know that getting the booster shot might be throwing off my cycle a bit so maybe things are just late and that’s why I haven’t had those symptoms kick in yet. I’m not too worried if things are off by a day or a few days since I know that’s a normal side effect of any vaccine. But it’s also making me feel a bit antsy to see when things will kick in and when I will need to work on managing those symptoms.

After having a month of back-to-back health issues, I’m really ready to be over them. I know I still need to get through the pain and nausea when it kicks in, and because of the timing, that means I will be dealing with health issues for 5 or 6 weeks without a break. But hopefully, after I’m through that in a week or two, I will finally have some weeks with no health issues and I can just relax and enjoy my time.

Working On Setting Boundaries (or I Just Have To Be Ok With Ending Things With People Who Can’t Respect Me)

On top of all the physical stuff I’ve been going through this week, this week has been emotionally draining on me as well. I guess it’s good that everything so far has been on a single day, but that made Tuesday this week so much tougher for me to get through.

The day started off with a text from the guy that I had written about recently who I tried to date again. I really thought things were finally done. I pointed out that we want different things in life and that there would not be a compromise. And honestly, even if he changed his mind and said he would be all in for a relationship if I’d consider it at this point. He has already said things that make me feel like he doesn’t respect me and has been saying things to trick me into believing things about him. But once he showed his true colors, I no longer was interested in continuing things and made that very clear.

One of the things that was so frustrating about him is that he would always text me in the middle of the night to see if I was still up and if we could meet up. He knew I hated this but he continued to do it. I assumed after our phone call when I was clear and said there was no point to continue things that those texts would stop. But I got one at 1am on Tuesday morning and it didn’t have an apology for his behavior or anything else. It was like he was acting that nothing happened and he thought I would just forget about what we said and would just change my mind about what I wanted. I debated about not responding, but I decided to tell him that we were not going to play this game anymore and that we were done. His response was that we were going to keep playing this game.

And I can’t explain why this triggered me so much, but it was a glass-breaking moment for me where I could see that it was so much more than just him having a lack of respect for me. It felt like he was saying he knew better and that he was going to keep trying to get me to change to be what he wants with no regard for my feelings. And I felt more than ever that there was no chance for anything positive to happen in my life from knowing him or texting with him. So I told him that I would be blocking him and I said goodbye.

I really haven’t blocked many people I knew on my phone. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to block people, but it’s always been something that I don’t want to do to anyone. But in this case, I knew he was going to keep texting and trying to get me to go along with him. And I didn’t want to see those texts coming up on my phone. He might not believe that he’s blocked and I know that he might still think his texts are going through, but I won’t have to see them again and I feel a bit better about that.

And if that wasn’t enough for the day, later in the afternoon a guy who was a friend of mine accused me of fearmongering because I posted online about how some Republicans are pushing for a nationwide abortion ban and how dangerous that could be. I knew he wouldn’t believe it if I showed him that CNN reported on that story, so I sent him the Fox News article.

This friend and I have known each other for over 10 years and we have always disagreed about abortion rights. He thinks there is never a reason for an abortion and that if people stopped having sex outside of marriage that nobody would need to end a pregnancy. I am very pro-choice and believe that people have a right to end a pregnancy for a multitude of reasons. Even though we have disagreed on this issue, we have always had respectful debates with each other.

But this time was different. He was being very hateful toward me and saying that I don’t care about dead babies because I never post about that. I wasn’t in the mood to start a new debate and how allowing abortions is not the same as wanting babies to die, so I told him that I wasn’t going to continue this conversation at this time. But he continued on and was saying how nobody should have an abortion and how wrong they were. I asked again for him to please stop and to respect my boundaries about talking about this more. And he made a joke about me needing a safe space and told me to block him.

And I blocked him on all social media after that comment. It wasn’t about him believing that nobody should have an abortion even if their life is at risk. He can have that belief all he wants. But a true friend would have respected me asking to not continue a conversation. Imagine if you were talking to someone who had a family member who was killed and you kept asking for more details about their death. And when they asked you to stop asking about things, you made fun of them and told them that you would only stop if they forced you to. That’s so disrespectful to anyone, let alone a friend. And I just can’t picture myself having a friend who thinks that me asking for a conversation to end is something to laugh about and that they should push me further.

Between the blocking in the morning and in the afternoon, I felt so broken. I couldn’t understand why I was being stepped over by these people who claimed to have respect for me. Why were my boundaries ignored by them and not considered? I know that the way these two men treated me isn’t representative of how others treat me, but at that moment it did feel that way. And my heart was hurting because of that.

I talked with a friend while I was upset and she helped to calm me down and see that I shouldn’t keep people in my life who treat me this way. I have ended friendships before when we’ve drifted apart, but this just felt so much more dramatic than that. And I was struggling because I was questioning how someone could have actually respected me in the past if this is the way they treated me now. I questioned if they ever respected me or always felt like this about me. But I know that at this point, it doesn’t matter. Again, someone showed their true colors and feelings about me and I don’t have to tolerate it just because we have known each other for so long.

I think I’m going to still be working through some of these feelings for a bit longer because it hit me so hard. The end of the friendship was worse, but they both really pushed me emotionally. But I also know that I want to keep people in my life that love and support me, and the way these men acted did not show that and that means I don’t have to keep them in my life. It’s hard to set these boundaries with people, especially when I’ve been a people pleaser for a long time, but I’m glad that I did do it this time because I will be better for it.

Sometimes It Feels Like One Thing After Another (or Having To Miss Things For My Own Good)

I’m used to having a bad 1-2 weeks each month. It’s an annoying reality of my life, but it’s just what I have to deal with. The ways to avoid it are either not options for me or things I don’t want to do just yet. But it feels like since my last bad week, it’s been one thing after another and it’s not stopping. And I feel like it’s starting to affect my life a bit.

I’m glad that I didn’t throw out my back while also having a regular bad week because that pain would have been really difficult to deal with. My back is doing a lot better now, but when it started I was really worried that something serious was wrong with me. I am used to bad pain with my hips, but this was another level. And when I was trying to sleep, the pain sometimes got worse. I do move quite a bit in my sleep, and every time I moved the pain woke me up. And almost worse than that pain, sometimes I wasn’t able to move and I felt trapped and that woke me up. I don’t know how to explain my lack of ability to move, but I just couldn’t turn over the way I normally do. I needed to wake up, sit up, and use my upper body to move me. It was really odd.

I’m glad that things are better now and I’m not in severe pain and it’s becoming less frequent. I still feel pain when I move certain ways and I do still have some issues moving while I’m laying in bed. But it’s nothing like what it was just a week ago. And I think that every day things are getting a bit better and I should hopefully be back to normal soon enough.

But just as my back was doing better, I got my booster shot and had to start dealing with those issues. I’m glad that I timed it out well so the worst of my side effects occurred over the weekend when I could rest and recover. But my lymph nodes are still swollen and my arm still hurts. And I have been feeling pretty weak in my workouts, which I should have expected but I wasn’t. Feeling weak when I don’t feel sick anymore is such a tough thing to deal with.

And now, I’m just about to start up another round of regular bad weeks. So I feel like I haven’t had a break. And this isn’t my normal, so it’s been hard for me to deal with this mentally. I’ve been trying to keep up with my normal plans, but this week I will have to skip something that I really was planning on.

I have done the Dri-Tri at Orangetheory almost every single time that it’s been offered since I started working out there. I missed the first one because of my schedule, and of course, I missed the ones that happened when the studios were shut down. But I did do the Dri-Tri at home, even though that’s not exactly the same. And this weekend, it’s the Dri-Tri again. I had every intention of signing up and just going for it. I know I wouldn’t get a PR or do something amazing, but that’s not the point for me. I just like to do them to prove to myself that I can.

But between how weak I’m feeling and the issues with my back, I know it wouldn’t be smart for me to try it. I have to be careful with what I do, and I know that some of the exercises wouldn’t be the best options for me to try. I do push myself, but I’m aware of my limits and what adrenaline can do. And I think that if I did the Dri-Tri, I would probably push myself too much and not realize until after it’s done that I did something that set me back with my back recovering. I wanted to wait and see how I felt and make a decision at the last minute, but I know now that there’s no way I could do it in a smart way and I just have to accept that’s what will happen.

I’m still thinking I will go to the studio to cheer people on, especially if any of my friends decide to go for it. But I also know that it will probably be a bit sad and frustrating to watch others do something I wanted to do and know I just can’t join in. I know this won’t be my last chance. They do the Dri-Tri every 6 months or so, so I just need to focus on being ready to do it then and not missing out on the one now.

Time For A Booster Shot (or Getting Through My Normal Side Effects)

I’m never excited to get a shot or have anything done that involves needles. Needles are probably always going to be something that is tough for me to deal with and I always hate how fearful I get going to the doctor or having blood drawn and knowing what could happen. I’m lucky that I’m not fainting the way I used to, but I do still have this weird blackout thing where I tense up my body and hold my breath. It only lasts a few seconds, but it’s still exhausting to go through. And with vaccines, I have the added annoyance of always having a reaction to them. I can’t remember the last vaccine I got that didn’t give me some side effects. I don’t mind since I know it means I’m building immunity, but it’s something else I have to think about when I time getting a vaccine. 

I think the only time I had a bit more excitement for a shot than fear was for the first Covid vaccine. But that was because I was so tired of being isolated and alone and that vaccine felt like the light at the end of the tunnel. And it was a big change for how I feel being around others, but it wasn’t the ending I think so many of us had hoped for. Because of vaccine hesitancy for whatever reason, not enough people were vaccinated to prevent new mutations from popping up. And those new mutations were able to get around the vaccines. I know that the vaccines still work because they don’t necessarily prevent illness but prevent serious illness and death. And I have had multiple friends test positive for Covid since being vaccinated and they all had very mild cases. So I have been staying on top of the news about vaccines and boosters. 

I got my first Covid booster in November last year. And I became eligible to get a second booster over the summer, but I actually waited on getting it. I knew that there would be a new booster soon that helped with the new varients, and I didn’t want to get the old booster and then need to wait longer for the new one. So I just have been very careful about who I have been around and making sure that I’m wearing a mask when I’m in large gatherings. 

But the new booster finally became available this past week, so I went about getting myself an appointment as soon as possible. I have only gotten vaccinations through Kaiser for my entire life. Even for the flu, I get the vaccine at a hospital or medical center. It’s just easy to do that since it’s automatically on my medical record. But when I looked into getting the booster at Kaiser, they didn’t have it available just yet. And since I didn’t want to keep waiting, I decided to look at the CVS near my house and found out that not only did they offer it, they had appointments available. So I booked one for this past Friday, knowing that I would probably have a reaction to the vaccine like I always do and would have the weekend to recover. 

Making the appointment was super easy, but when I got there I guess it was the first day that they were offering the new booster because there was a decent line. It went quickly and I was only waiting for about 45 minutes, but it took me by surprise since I thought not too many people would get a vaccine in the middle of a weekday. But I guess everyone had the same thought and did it during their lunch break. 

Since I know I have my blackouts, I warned the nurse there so she wouldn’t freak out. She made another nurse come to stand there in case I fully passed out, but fortunately, I didn’t and I just had my blackout for a few seconds. But they told me afterward that it was really crazy to see it happen and if I hadn’t warned them they would have been frightened. I’ve never been told that before, but I guess it does look odd. 

I had to wait at CVS for a bit to make sure I didn’t have any severe reactions, but I wasn’t worried about that since I’ve never had a severe reaction. And when I was home, I felt pretty ok for a few hours. But then a few hours later, some of the side effects started to kick in. At first, it was just a foggy head and some body aches. Nothing too severe and actually pretty mild compared to some other vaccines. But on Saturday, I got a bit worse. This felt much more like what happens when I get a flu vaccine. I had a fever, more body aches, and my head felt like it weighed a million pounds. But I only had to work for a few hours that day and then I spend the rest of the day resting. I slept a lot and on Sunday I was starting to do better.

I still have swollen lymph nodes and a bit of a headache, but I think I’m finally over the hill with side effects. And while they are annoying to deal with, I know that getting Covid would be so much worse. This is the smart thing for me to do to protect myself and to protect those around me. I will still keep my same habits of wearing a mask and being selective when I’m in big crowds for now. I want to see how the numbers look for cases as it gets colder here and it’s when more people seem to be getting sick. I’ll be getting my flu vaccine soon too, so I’ll be protected against that as well. And hopefully, with both these vaccines, I will continue to stay healthy and the weekend of side effects will be totally worth it. 

Trying Out A New Workout Schedule (or Still Working With Some Pain)

This past week I tested out a new workout schedule. Because the schedule is changing at the studio and some coaches are changing when they teach, if I kept my old schedule I would miss at least one of the coaches I like to take a class with. But this new schedule also means going 4 days in a row, so I’m not sure if this is going to work for me or not. But I was excited to test it out this past week.

Monday was a holiday, so I got to go to a slightly later class than I normally do. It was still a morning class since I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep in that late, but getting an extra 30 minutes of sleep was nice. And I was surprised to see that it was a 2 group class. Usually, I go to 3 group classes, and they typically do that for holidays. But it was nice to have a 2 group class because we got to do a run/row workout.

For the run/row, the treadmill/bike portion involved working with inclines. And for the row, we always had a 100-meter row. For the treadmill/bike, we started with the shortest segment, but it was also at the highest incline/resistance level. And every time we were back to the treadmills/bike, the distance got longer and the incline went down. Then we had our row and then we were supposed to do a 1-minute recovery on the treadmill/bike to make sure we were ready for the next interval. We don’t always have recovery built into workouts like this, and we were told not to skip it, so I think I was much more ready for each incline segment. My back was still hurting, so getting on and off the bike and rower wasn’t the smoothest, but I was able to do it quickly enough.

On the floor, we had 3 blocks. The first block started with a goblet squat, which I had to do as a regular squat because it was too tough for me to hold a weight while doing it. Then we could rest before doing the next 3 exercises without a break. We had front raises, lateral raises, and reverse flys. Since those were without a break, everyone had to use a lighter weight than we might have used if we did each exercise separately. The second block had lateral hops, shuffle steps, bicep curls, and hip bridges. For the lateral hops and shuffle steps, I just did them slowly and as steps to not aggravate my back. And the last block was timed with neutral thrusters and walkouts to planks. For the walkouts to planks, I did something that looked like a modified burpee by stepping out to a plank and using the bench for my hands.

Tuesday’s workout was a signature class and it was the Infinity workout. This one is a bit of a Dri-Tri prep, and we have the Dri-Tri coming up in a couple of weeks. Normally, I would already be signed up for it, but I’m waiting to see how my back does. I want to challenge myself, but I also don’t want to hurt myself more.

For cardio, we started with a 3-minute push pace followed by a 1-minute base pace. We repeated this pattern and the push paces decreased by 30-seconds each time. And we ended with a 1-minute all-out. I was using my new base pace and I was feeling pretty good about how I did. I did need some breaks when I had some pain in my back, but they were much less often than what it was like the week before.

On the rower, we had rounds of a 100-meter row and medicine ball work. We were supposed to do power jacks, but since I had to be careful I did overhead presses instead. We started with 20 reps for the medicine ball and that decreased by 2 every time. And the goal was to get as far on the rower as we could. I had a goal of getting to at least 1500 meters, and I just made it so I was very happy with that.

And on the floor, we had the same exercises that are a part of the Dri-Tri. We had bench hop-overs, squats, step-ups (which I did as lunges), push-ups, plank jacks, and burpees. And doing these exercises proved to me that if I’m still feeling the same way I feel right now, I won’t be able to do the Dri-Tri. I really did my best with each exercise, but I had to take quite a few breaks and I only made it through the exercises once before the workout was done. The goal was to make it through them all twice to be the same as what would be done during the Dri-Tir. I know there is time for me to feel better and I’ve made a huge improvement since my back was injured last week, but it still was a bit upsetting to realize how difficult doing these exercises was for me. But I tried in the workout and that’s all I could do.

Wednesday was a bit of a tougher day for me. I think because I have been compensating for my back hurting, I woke up on Wednesday with not only back pain but hip pain. So having extra pain meant I had to be even more careful during my workout.

We had 2 blocks for cardio and for both blocks the focus was on intervals of a push pace followed by a base pace. In the first block, the push pace got shorter each time and the base pace stayed the same. And in the second block, the push pace was always the same and the base pace got shorter each time. And both blocks ended with a 1-minute all-out. I did use my new regular resistance levels on the bike, but I just pedaled slower than normal.

On the rower, for the first block, we had decreasing rows with squat jumps between each row. The rows started at 250-meters and went down by 50 meters each time. I did regular squats that weren’t exactly my normal full range of motion since I wasn’t able to bend much more than that. And in the second block, the row was always 150-meters and we were supposed to do squat jacks between each row. And the reps for the squat jacks decreased each time. For this block, I did overhead presses with the medicine ball instead of squat jacks.

On the floor, I just had to manage the best that I could. In the first block, we had step-ups, chest presses, and low rows on the straps. I did lunges instead of step-ups and they weren’t very good lunges. I tried my best, but I couldn’t bend as much as I thought I could. And in the second block, we had chest fly with weights, lateral step-ups, and plank jacks. I did lateral lunges instead of the step-ups and I stepped out for my plank jacks.

And my last workout for the week was on Thursday. I know doing 4 days in a row is more than I normally do, but it was a good test for me to do when I was dealing with pain. And even though it was another tough day, it was a good challenge and I just did the best that I could. The workout had 2 blocks for each section of the room and we switched between each block. So we did 1 block at each section first and then did another round to do the second block.

For cardio, both blocks were the same and I did some modifications to make it easier for me to make it through. Each block had 3 hill challenges in it and a 45-second base pace between each one. Each challenge was 90 seconds long and we were supposed to increase the incline/resistance level every 30 seconds. I did do that increase within each challenge, but we were supposed to continue increasing the incline/resistance level for each challenge and I kept it the same for all 6. So my resistance levels ended up being the level between my push and all-out, my all-out, and 1 above my all-out. I know I should have tried to go higher, but I really didn’t want to push things too much for my back.

On the rower, for both blocks we were timed with cardio. So we had a 30-second base row, 30-second push row, and 30-second all-out row with a 45-second recovery row in between. And we did that pattern a total of 3 times for each block. I surprised myself by being able to row almost the entire time for both blocks. I did have quick breaks, but I only really took a few seconds each time.

And the floor again was the most challenging part of the workout for me. The first block was supposed to have bench tap squats, jump squats, and plank low rows. I did regular squats as far as I could go for the bench tap squats and squats with calf raises for the jump squats. And in the second block, we had chest presses with weights, push-ups, and balance lunges. I was doing ok with the chest presses, but getting up and down with the bench was harder than I expected so that slowed me down. And for the balance lunges, I just tried to do lunges the best that I could.

I’m glad I tested out this new schedule and I’m curious to see how it feels as I try it again. I really think this could be possible, but it just depends on how I feel. Since this past week wasn’t my best week, it could be a good representation of a bad week for me. So I might be able to manage it no matter how I feel. But I also know it’s easy enough for me to switch up my schedule if I feel like this won’t work for me for a week. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how I feel.

Some Fun With Mistaken Identity (or At Least I’m Not Being Sued)

I know that my name is not the most common name, but it’s also not something so unique that nobody else would have it. I know that if people search for my name but put a first name that isn’t my legal name, it’s a bit more common. But if you search for Jennie Levin, there are other people out there but not too many. So if something arrives at my home that is addressed to me, there’s a good chance that it actually is for me.

So the other day, I had someone call me through the callbox at my building saying they had a delivery for me. I wasn’t expecting anything, but I buzzed them in to see what it was. I answered the door, and it was a process server telling me that I had been served with a subpoena. I was in shock and so confused, so I didn’t sign anything but I took the paperwork and decided to look more into it. I received a subpoena once before the pandemic when I was on the witness list for a drunk driver’s trial to discuss what I had seen at the scene. But I had been given a heads up before that came to me and this one arrived with no warning. I also looked at all the paperwork that I was handed and I didn’t recognize anything in it, and I was shocked when it said I was to appear in court next week.  But after trying to figure out what was going on, I noticed the information on the top of the cover page.

While it did have my name on it, it had a business address that I didn’t recognize. So I decided to look up the address, and it’s the office address of a lawyer named Jennie Levin. I was so relieved when I realized it wasn’t for me because I was really panicking for a moment. I contacted the law firm that sent the subpoena to confirm that they sent it to the wrong person, and the lawyer apologized for the mistake and told me that it was not for me and I could throw out the papers that were handed to me. I also let the other Jennie Levin know that I received paperwork that was theirs but that I would be shredding it. I figured that was a weird 20 minutes that I was trying to figure out what was going on, but that was the end of that.

Then the next evening, I was finishing up dinner when someone called me on the building callbox again. I asked who it was since I wasn’t expecting anyone, and they said they had a gift delivery of wine. This seemed really weird since I don’t really drink and I asked if they could confirm it was for me. They said yes and they said my name and address and that it was a gift so they couldn’t say who it was from. I buzzed them in and didn’t open my door for them. Once they left, I opened the door and there was another subpoena on my doorstep! And again, the subpoena had a completely different address on it so I don’t know why the process server said it was for me. I know that they can lie or mislead people and that’s why they said it was a gift delivery. But I don’t know why they are using my address when the address on the paperwork is completely different.

Again, I contacted the law firm that sent out the subpoena and explained that my address is my home and I don’t know why they are sending people to my home when the address on the form is the office address for the person they are trying to reach. The lawyer said he was sorry and that this shouldn’t happen again. But honestly, I’m just waiting to see if another process server will be at my door another time because they refuse to use the address on the paperwork. Hopefully, they get it right so the correct person shows up to court since they have to appear in a few days.

While I did panic the first time I got the subpoena when I was worried it was actually for me, it became a bit funny once I realized the mistake. And when the second one arrived, it was more of a “you’ve got to be kidding me” feeling. I haven’t had a lot of random things make me laugh and feel ridiculous, so at least this added a bit of fun to my week. And at least I’m not in any legal trouble and my panic was for nothing.

Feeling Tested In My Dating Life (or Continuing To Stay Strong)

I wrote recently about how I got unexpected closure from someone I went out with several years ago. When things left off with him, I had been very clear about what I was looking for through dating and what standards I had for a potential relationship. I know that putting expectations on people isn’t always a good thing, but I felt like I had to share what my bare minimum was so he could at least attempt to match what I am looking for. If I don’t explain how I like to have regular communication such as texting, how can I expect him to know that’s what I am looking for him to do? And when we said goodbye, I knew I had put it all out there, but I also knew that he might not be able to be the person I’m looking for.

And my hesitation was accurate because I quickly figured out that this wasn’t going to work. He quickly reverted back to old patterns which were the reasons why we didn’t work out years ago. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me or respecting what I had said I wanted. I understand that it might have been more than what he wanted, but that’s why I said I didn’t think we should see each other again if he couldn’t do those things. I wouldn’t have had hard feelings if he ended it because he couldn’t match what I needed. I honestly would have respected him for hearing me and knowing he couldn’t do that.

But instead, he was trying to get me to compromise. And at first, I was willing to compromise on some things with him. But as we talked, the more it sounded like he wanted me to compromise to what he wanted, not to meet in the middle. And I had to call him out on it. And I don’t know if I have a clearer head now or if it’s just from having a few more years of life experience, but I started to recognize behaviors that didn’t sit right with me.

He was dismissing some of my feelings about things. I would say that it felt like he was treating me one way, and his response was just that he didn’t feel that way so I shouldn’t feel the same. When I called him out for only wanting me to compromise to be what he wanted and not meet in the middle, he kept asking me if I was sure that I didn’t want what he was looking for. He knew things that I wanted and was looking for, and was trying to use that to convince me to agree with him on things. And I probably would have fallen for this before and just accepted whatever I could get and not held out for what I wanted or knew I deserved.

But even though I’m proud of myself for being strong in what I want, it wasn’t easy. I have been severely touch-starved for the past few years. I had more isolation than almost anyone else I know since I don’t have roommates or pets. I went almost 100 days without any physical contact from another person. I never would have imagined being able to do that, and I think I am still feeling some of the effects of that. In the back of my head, I wonder if I should just accept what I can get because that’s better sometimes than being lonely. But I also know that if I’m accepting something that isn’t what I want, I will be more lonely in the end because it will just feel unfulfilling. Both situations aren’t ideal, but I think not having something that is half-ass is the lesser of the two evils.

As much as I would have liked to have seen if something could have worked out with this guy, I think we’ve officially hit our end. I’m sure he will still reach out to me eventually to see if I’ve changed my mind, but I know I won’t unless he has grown to the standard that I am looking for. But he seemed pretty clear that he couldn’t see himself changing for several years. And I have no plans on waiting to see if or when he changes. I need to find the person who is right for me at this point and not the idea of what someone might be in the future. But it still felt like this was a test and I had the chance to go against my best interests. I’m sad that things probably will never be more than what they were, but I’m still proud of myself for not falling for things I fell for before and continuing to stay strong for what I know I want and deserve.

Feeling Very Lucky In This Heat Wave (or I’m Totally Spoiled Now)

I’ve gotten used to being pretty miserable during the summer at my old place with my window a/c doing what it could, but still living in a very hot house. I have had to figure out ways to stay cool when it’s unbearable inside. I have sat on ice packs while working, gotten extra sheets so I could keep a top sheet damp on top of me to try to cool down, and taken multiple cool showers to try to feel better. It was a lot better with my window a/c than it was before I had it, but that’s comparing being over 100 degrees inside my house to it being 85 degrees inside my house.

For most of this summer, LA has had a relatively mild summer. I haven’t been miserable while I have been home. I’m not overheating while working or sweating and feeling sick while I’m trying to sleep. I’m still getting used to having central a/c and making sure that my electric bill doesn’t get too expensive, but I think I probably use it less than many people would since I’m used to things being so warm inside. Plus, I’m much better insulated in my place now than I was at my old place. I don’t have the same issues with direct sunlight that I used to, and I don’t have all the walls exposed to heat. So while the summer was mild, I also thought it might be because of being in a much better home than I was in before.

But right now, LA is in a heat wave. It’s really hot and shockingly muggy here. When I’ve been leaving my place it’s almost a shock how different it feels. I’ve been so comfortable in my house and don’t always check the temperature before leaving. I haven’t had to leave too much lately to do things and I’ve been trying to rest at home as much as I can, so I am glad that my time in the heat is limited. And as soon as I get home, it’s seriously so nice and cool and I feel instantly more relaxed. I don’t leave my a/c on while I’m gone, but I can set things from my phone so when I’m heading home from a workout or running an errand, I can start cooling off my place before I arrive so it’s not as warm when I walk in the door.

I know how lucky I am to have a/c and to live somewhere that is comfortable. I haven’t had this luxury before. I had a/c at the last two places I lived, but neither of those places had efficient a/c units. At the place I lived before the house I was in for 12 years, we had a unit in the wall that only faced the kitchen and had no way of cooling down any other space. And it wasn’t that long ago that I was living at my old place so I very clearly remember how bad it was, especially in a heat wave. So I have put it out to my friends that if they need a place to cool down, they are welcome to come over here. Nobody has taken me up on that offer so far, but it’s an open invitation to my friends. I didn’t have many places I could go and cool down in heat waves before, and I don’t want anyone to feel as miserable as I used to during the summer.

I remember when my parents and I were looking at condos and one of the non-negotiable things for my parents was that my new place needed central a/c. I said that wasn’t a must-have for me and I would be ok with a window unit. But now that I’m living in my first place with central a/c, I’m feeling very spoiled and know that I won’t be able to go back. And I’m grateful that it was something my parents required for a new place because they were right that it is very worth it!

Getting In Some Extra Rest (or Feeling Like It’s A Super Long Holiday Weekend)

My weekends are usually shorter than what most people get. Since I work a half day on Saturdays, I get about a day and a half each weekend without work. I used to have more time when I was mainly working my box office job since I had all of Sunday and Monday off, plus a half day on Saturday. But since I’ve been back to working both jobs, I’ve gotten pretty used to only having Sunday entirely off of work. And besides only having only one day off of work each week, I’m also used to getting up early every day. Before the pandemic, because my workout schedule was a bit different, I usually got up around 7am every day. Now, I get up at 5:45am most days. And since I do that most of the time, I don’t usually sleep in later than that on my days off.

But I’ve been able to enjoy several days sleeping in recently. I didn’t work out on Thursday or Friday, so I got to sleep in until about 7am both those mornings. And since this was a holiday weekend this past weekend, I also got to sleep in a little bit on Monday. I don’t sleep in that late, but it still feels really nice getting up at 6:30 instead of 5:45 in the morning.

To get 5 days of being able to sleep in a little bit later was such a luxury. I’ve been going to bed a bit too late and not getting enough sleep and this allowed me to be much closer to my sleep goals for multiple days in a row. And I really have felt a lot more rested because I’ve been able to do that. And as much as I want to say that this has motivated me to work on getting to bed earlier, I know that I still need to work a lot more on getting that done. I know that I don’t need as much sleep as some other people might, but I also know that I’m getting less sleep than my body wants and I have been feeling the effects of that.

The last time I had the opportunity to sleep in a bit for so many days was when I had the minor surgery on my foot. But that didn’t feel too restful since I was in pain and dealing with healing. And when I was going through that, I still had my full regular work schedule. So this time, it was much better since I wasn’t working each of those days and I really did get to feel like I had some time off.

I didn’t do much with my extra long weekend. I did need the time to do a lot of nothing. I am still trying to get my back to feel better so I’ve been doing a lot of stretching and pain management. I’m not completely better yet, but I’m doing significantly better than I was last week. I feel like the pain is much duller and like a bruise than muscle spasms. And it’s not happening as often so I can move more with less pain. I also did a lot of cleaning that I had been putting off last week since my back was hurting. I usually start to feel uncomfortable when my place starts to feel dirty (even though I know it’s still clean), so being able to take the time to clean and then rest when my back was hurting too much was nice.

I probably could have been more social with my long weekend, especially since I did have the chance to sleep in later so I didn’t have to worry about being out late. But just relaxing at home and not doing much ended up being the perfect way for me to spend a long weekend and get myself ready for another busy work week.

A Short And Slightly Painful Workout Week (or Still Getting In My 3 Workouts)

I was happy when starting this past week of workouts since I knew it was when I should start to feel better. But as I wrote about last week, I ended up doing something to my back and had to deal with that just as I was feeling ok. It wasn’t ideal, but I’ve managed to get through worse things. And because I knew this was going to be a shorter workout week for me, I just wanted to make sure I did what I could.

I was finally starting to feel better by Monday’s workout. I wasn’t completely better, but it was significantly better than how I was feeling the week before. And since I was feeling better, I was able to push myself a little bit more than I had the week before. I had no idea that this would be the best I would be feeling all week.

For cardio, we had 3 blocks and they all had very similar timing. For all the blocks, we had 45-second base paces and the push paces or all-outs were either 1-minute, 45-seconds, or 30-seconds. In the first block, everything was without an incline and the first 2 intervals were push paces and the last one was an all-out. The second block had all the push pace intervals at inclines. And in the last block, we only had all-outs and base paces/recoveries and no push paces. I’ve gotten a bit more used to my new base pace, so that was good and I think I can eventually focus on increasing my push pace and all-out.

On the rower, 2 of the 3 blocks were timed with cardio. The first block was the same as cardio with the push and base paces. The second block had rounds of a 200-meter row with squats between each row. And the last block was timed with cardio, but when they had their base pace or recovery, we had squats.

On the floor, for the first two blocks both had 2 exercises. The first block had bicep curls and uppercuts and the second block had single-arm deadlifts and push-ups to side planks. I struggled a bit with the push-ups and planks so I had to go really slowly with those. And for the last block, we were timed with cardio and the rowers and we did squat to presses during their all-outs and recovered in between.

I worked out on Tuesday because my studio was going to be closed on Thursday and Friday and I wanted to make sure I got at least 3 workouts in for the week. This was the start of my dealing with the back pain I had last week, but I knew that I could exercise as long as I was being mindful of things. I was lucky that the back spasms were very infrequent and I had a good general idea of what would hurt and what wouldn’t so I could work around it.

For cardio, we had 3 blocks and they were all the same. We started with a 2-minute push pace followed by a 1-minute increased push pace and then ended the block with a 1-minute all-out. The increased push pace was supposed to be at an incline, so I used the resistance level between my push and all-out. And even with the back pain, I was able to continue to push myself since being on the bike wasn’t hurting me.

On the rower, we had one long block. We had timed rows and then we had rainbows with a medicine ball which I had to be a bit slow with since they were hurting me a little bit. We had a 90-second, 60-second, and 30-second row and we did each row twice before moving to the next timed row. And we finished with a 1-minute all-out row.

And on the floor, we had another long block. All of the exercises were drop sets and they were all with mini-bands. With the drop sets, we had 8 reps at a heavy weight and as many reps as possible with a lighter weight. We had high rows, deadlifts, low rows, and squats. By the time I was getting to the squats, I was feeling a bit weak so I did those without weights so I could make sure my form wasn’t sloppy. But I was able to use weights for everything else, even if they were a bit lighter than I would have liked to have used. And we ended the workout with weighted seated torso rotations.

Wednesday was my last workout for the week. I was thinking of going on the weekend to get 4 workouts in, but because of my back, I figured a few extra rest days would be good for me. I know exercise is good for stretching my back and staying active, but so is rest. So I just did 3 workouts for the week. I was still hurting a bit but I was even more aware of what would hurt my back and what would be ok to do so I modified the workout to work with that.

For cardio, we had a 15-minute distance challenge. Every few minutes, we were encouraged to increase how fast we were going, but I decided to just try to be steady with what I did with occasional moments where I increased the resistance level before bringing it back. I used my new base resistance level for the majority of the time and then my regular push pace level for a minute or two of increased resistance. But most of the time, I was at my base pace and just pedaling along as much as I could.

On the rower, we had 4 blocks. Blocks 1 and 3 were the same and blocks 2 and 4 were the same. For blocks 1 and 3, we had 30-second rowing sprints and we were supposed to do increasing lateral hops between each row. I tried to do the lateral hops the first time, and I knew immediately that it was going to cause too much back pain. Unfortunately, anything that I could do as a modification wasn’t working for me, so I just did 30-second sprint rows and rested for a moment before repeating them. And for blocks 2 and 4, we had a 90-second row for distance. I did ok for the first attempt of the 90-second row, but for the second one, I did have to take a quick break in the middle of it to do a quick back stretch.

And on the floor, we had one long block. We had rep ranges for each exercise, and I tried to keep it around the middle of that range. And I modified things as I needed to. We had sumo deadlifts, and I did as many as I could with a light weight and then did them without weights to finish my reps. For the kneeling wood choppers, again I used a light weight and I did some kneeling but ended up doing most standing since getting up and down was a little tough for me. For the bicep curls, I didn’t have to modify those so that was nice. And the last exercise was a push-up to a plank superman. For those, I did the push-ups as a single exercise and then I did bird dogs separately. It was a lot of modifications, but I got through it all.

I’m hoping that this week things go a bit better for me. My back has been getting better, but I’m still being cautious. And I’m possibly going to test out a new workout schedule for myself, so that could be an interesting change. I’m still figuring out what I’ll be doing this week with my workouts, but whatever I do I know that I’ll get through them.