Posted onJune 7, 2019|Comments Off on Another Downside To My Bad Week (or Just Doing Nothing)
I’m having a bit of writer’s block trying to figure out this post. To be totally honest, I wasn’t sure what I would write at all this week and I’m worried a bit about next week. It’s not that I don’t want to write. I really do. But I hate when I have nothing to write about. And that’s the problem I’m having right now.
Often, the posts I write are about things that happened the week prior. It’s not always like that, but I love when that happens so I can plan. And last week, besides working hard doing the various jobs I have I didn’t do much. I spent the week in pain and nauseous and I did not have motivation to do anything else. I hate when I feel like that, but it’s my reality and sometimes I just can’t deal with it. I try my best not to let that time go by without doing much, but I know that every so often I do need to escape from the world a bit and just want to sit on my couch and do nothing.
Sometimes when my friends and family don’t hear from me for a week they think I’m super busy. That’s what my parents thought when we finally had a phone call. It sucks to have to say that I wasn’t doing something fun and awesome but instead just didn’t feel comfortable enough to be on the phone and spent that time being miserable. I don’t usually share on the phone to people that I’m not feeling good because I’m not looking for pity. Sometimes I do share it when I’m hanging out in person with someone because I know that when nausea hits I don’t look ok. I just want to warn them what’s going on. And while I appreciate when people say they are sorry for me, I don’t want that feeling so I don’t share it when it’s not something I feel is needed.
Even if my friends did reach out to me last week, I don’t think I would have gone out to do anything with them. There are some months when I do feel a bit more up for trying to do something to distract myself. Sometimes I feel like there is a bit more of a pattern to my nausea so I work around it. Or for whatever reason I have extra motivation to just overcome how I’m feeling and I don’t want to let it bring me down. And unfortunately, this time it wasn’t that way and I did a lot of nothing at home.
My doing nothing (besides working like crazy) was mainly catching up on my DVR and Netflix/Hulu and doing some reading. Nothing interesting to really share with you all. And I know I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to do nothing and I have the luxury of not having to work in an office and commute when I feel so horribly. But at the same time, when I reflect back on a week and realize that it was lost to pain and nausea I can’t help but be a little upset.
I know that I could change this blog to not be every day so I don’t stress when this happens, but I still like having it as my motivation to make sure that I try to stay as active in my life as possible. And most of the time, I feel like I do have interesting and fun things to share. But every so often there is the time in my life that ends up being not interesting and filled with non-productive things that leads to posts like this one. But hopefully next week will be more interesting to make up for it.
Posted onMay 31, 2019|Comments Off on Mental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never)
May is Mental Health Month. And yes, I’m aware that today is the last day of May so it’s pretty much over. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it or not. And I realized that my indecision about it was probably a sign that I did need to write something. I’m getting it in just before it’s too late, but that’s ok. I’m still getting it done.
I’ve written about mental health on here a lot. I’ve written about my various struggles as well as the struggles of people in my life. For so long, mental health was something that wasn’t shared openly. If people were struggling, they didn’t share it because they didn’t want to be judged. Now, while there still is some stigma it is getting so much better. People know they aren’t alone in their struggles and there is no shame in asking or getting help. If someone is going to treat you badly for working on yourself, then they are the bad one and not you.
I’ve been lucky that I haven’t really had people who have treated me badly for my mental health struggles. I know that some of them have confused friends and family and I still have to explain myself. I would say my eating disorder is the thing most misunderstood or questioned in my life and I understand that. Binge eating disorder is a relatively new eating disorder when it comes to being a real diagnosis and not everyone understands that it is not just wanting to eat. I usually don’t want to eat when I have a binge episode.
The other mental health thing of mine that seems to be misunderstood is my OCD. I don’t have it the way that most people imagine it to be. I think people think of OCD as rituals or cleaning techniques. I know some people also think it has to do with personal hygiene such as washing your hands endlessly or needing to use certain products to feel ok. For me, my OCD is mainly about having things look right to me. There’s not an easy way to explain it, but I will see something that looks off and I can’t focus until I fix it. It’s not always something crooked or dirty. If my pens look like they are not in a good order for me, I have to fix it. If there is a plate of fries and there’s one that doesn’t look right, I can’t stop thinking about it until it has been eaten (which isn’t easy to make happen if it’s on someone else’s plate). I’ve had some people claim I couldn’t have OCD because I don’t act like what they expected. It’s not upsetting to me anymore that someone questions my mental health issues. It’s a little annoying and I usually feel like I have to explain how it works for me. It’s a bit of education for them and a bit of reassurance for me that I am heard and hopefully understood.
Lately, I have wondered if I’ve been struggling with mental health because I’ve been dealing with a lot of mood related things that I usually don’t go through. I’ve been much easier to upset and anger and I haven’t been holding my emotions back. But I’ve realized that these are probably not struggles as much as progress. I have been working on standing up for myself more and I think that makes things more emotional. If someone is treating me a way I know I shouldn’t be treated, I don’t let it slide anymore. I call them out and that can get me upset. That’s not a sign of a struggle. Allowing myself to let my emotions out is a good thing and can feel very cathartic at times.
I know that I am incredibly lucky when it comes to mental health. I have insurance that covers medication and doctor appointments and I have a diagnosis. That is a lot more than many people have. And I have been working on this for a while and have seen so many steps forward. I have some people in my life still at the beginning of things and they worry it will never get better or that things will turn around. But I know that for them it will get better and they will see the other side of things. I know it’s hard to believe that when you are in a dark or difficult place, but hopefully they will see things from another perspective soon.
Posted onMay 13, 2019|Comments Off on Still Working Through The Pain (or I’m Going To Stay Positive About This)
This past week of workouts ended up being another struggle. As I mentioned last week, I did something to my back and that really threw things off for me. But at least the nausea was gone and I was ready to feel like myself again. That’s not how this past week went, but I think I did end up finding the best in the situation.
Monday’s workout was a strength day and I was ready to be back to normal with my bike work. I was feeling good (this workout was right before my back pain started) and I was excited to see what I was going to be able to do.
The cardio work did include hills, but they weren’t super high inclines. So I was keeping my bike resistance levels close to what I’m used to. We had rounds of hill work and flat road work and each round the incline/resistance level went down by 1. I started 1 level higher than my new all out level and didn’t worry about pedaling too fast. And it felt great when the resistance level was getting back down toward where I’m used to being after having such a high level earlier. When we had our all outs, since I had so much work using resistance levels I decided to have the level at my base level but I pedaled much faster. It was an interesting difference from what I’m used to doing. I don’t know if I’ll do that all the time for my all outs, but it could be something good to have as an option when I have strength days in the future.
On the rower, we had rounds of stroke count work. We started with doing 20 strokes on the rower slowly to get as many meters as possible. Then we had lunges using the medicine ball. Each time we got to the rower we went down 2 stokes. Because I was going so slow, I didn’t get that low with the stroke count. I tried to keep the stroke rate below 16 strokes a minute when with normal rowing I’m usually between 25-30. It is so hard to go that slowly, but I know that was the purpose of that workout and I’m glad I really tried to do it that way.
And on the floor we had 2 blocks and it was a lot of upper body work. The first block had bicep curls but we were balancing on one leg while doing them. That was definitely an added challenge, but I took my time and put my foot down to regain my balance when necessary. We also had tricep extensions on the straps and goblet lunges. And the second block had regular bicep curls, regular lunge, and tricep extensions using the weights. It was interesting to see how I felt between the two blocks since they were essentially the same exercises but different ways of doing them.
Wednesday’s workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power and because of my back I had to be careful with what I did. I knew that working out wasn’t going to make things worse unless I was careless in what I did in class. Every time I worked on stretching things felt better so I was hoping a workout would do the same. There wasn’t too much I had to modify which was nice, I just had to take things a bit slower.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks with a similar pattern. We started with hill work, then we had a flat road push pace, and we ended with rounds of 30 second all outs with recoveries between. For the hill work, I kept it where my push pace resistance level usually is. I didn’t want to strain too much because I was worried I would put that strain into my back. I did work hard, just not as hard as I would have done if I was feeling ok.
On the rower, we had sprint rows and we were supposed to do power jacks with a medicine ball between each row. I knew that I shouldn’t lift a weight over my head and I didn’t want to have to bend over to grab the medicine ball each time I was going to use it. So I did regular squats instead and that worked just fine for me. We also had all out rows to match with the cardio side when they had them. I was able to do a bit better with those rows because they were so short.
And on the floor, we had one long block. We had front squats with dumbbells, upright rows with dumbbells, double crunches, goblet squats, lateral raises, and swimmers. I had to modify the front squats because I couldn’t hold the weights up that high so I did them as regular squats with weights. I also had to go much lower with the weights for all the exercises. Some of the exercises did use my back so obviously I needed lighter weight for those. But even the goblet squats had to be done with a lighter weight because I just couldn’t pick up the heavier one. Considering what the workout could have been and the modifications I could have needed, I was very happy with the limited modifications I had to do.
Friday’s workout was a mix of strength and endurance work. My back was doing much better than it was on Wednesday, but I still had twinges of pain when I moved certain ways so I had to be careful with what I did and how I moved. Unfortunately, one of the ways I felt pain was when I hunched over to adjust the resistance levels on the bike so I had to be very careful with that.
The cardio work was a mix of push paces at a flat incline and push paces with hills. But because I struggled to adjust the resistance level, I just used my new base pace for the base pace moments and my old push pace for the push paces no matter if there was incline work or not as well as the all out. Limiting it to those 2 levels helped a lot because I didn’t have to adjust things that often. I know that it didn’t make the workout as hard as it should have been, but it did allow me to have very little pain while on the bike.
The rower had 2 blocks with similar patterns. We had 2 rounds of a 200 meter row, 2 rounds of a 150 meter row, and rounds of a 100 meter row. Between each row we had medicine ball exercises. For the first block we had medicine ball ground to presses and for the second block we had medicine ball front raises. But I couldn’t lift a medicine ball that way without having pain. So for both blocks I did squats with the medicine ball. It wasn’t working the same muscles we were supposed to, but the muscles we were supposed to be using were the ones that hurt. And for the rowing, I tried to keep my rows as close to my normal times as possible. I had to be very cautious doing them because I discovered doing the proper form hurt more than doing a sloppy form. So I had to be aware of my body position so I didn’t injure myself a different way by having bad form.
And the floor had a lot of upper body and core work which was a bit tough for me. We also had drop sets which ended up giving me a good chance to test out different weights to see what my body could do while hurting. The first block had drop sets with chest presses and regular sets with bear steps and arm raises. The second block had drop sets with tricep extensions with weights and then regular sets with shoulder presses and sit-ups. I did have to go lighter with my weights for the weighted work, but I was doing better than I had done on Wednesday. And the core work wasn’t as tough as I thought it would be, it was just getting into position that was hard. Getting up and down from the ground was harder than the actual exercises.
Saturday’s workout was an endurance day and fortunately my back was almost totally normal. I’m lucky that I only had to deal with the bad pain for a couple of days, but I’m also aware that if I go too hard that I could injure myself again or the little pains I have could last much longer. So I took that knowledge into my workout to make sure I didn’t do anything too crazy.
For cardio we had lots of push paces to base paces. The base pace always matched the time of the push pace before it, but the block had a lot of variety. We had 2 minute, 90 second, 1 minute, and 30 second intervals throughout the time we were doing the cardio block. We ended with a 1 minute push pace followed by a 1 minute all out. And just like on Friday, the only time I had a bit of pain on the bike was when I had to lean over to change the resistance levels. So I kept it simple like I did the day before. So all the base paces were my new base pace and all the push paces were the old push pace even if they were the shorter ones. Usually I would do the old push pace for the longer ones and the new push pace for the short ones, but it wasn’t worth it for me to worry about the adjustments as much. I did use my new all out pace at the end which helped to end on a good note.
The rowing work was 1 long block. We started with a 2 minute row and then we had medicine ball work. Then we were supposed to reduce the row by 100 meters from what we did in 2 minutes and repeat the pattern. Usually I would use an even number no matter how far I went in 2 minutes, but I decided to do the math in my head each time and do what I actually did. The medicine ball work were squats to overhead raises and calf raises. I didn’t do the overhead raise with the squats and I kept the medicine ball at my chest for the calf raises to protect my back. But I felt like I was doing work much closer to what we were supposed to do.
And the floor block ended up being one of the highlights of the workout for me. The first block was almost all work that involved stepping on the bench. Until last week, I wasn’t able to do any exercises like that and would have to do squats or lunges instead. I still had to modify the actual exercises because I can’t do stepping up and down, but I was still able to use the bench. We were supposed to do step overs with crossing the back leg, step down toe taps, and power step ups. What I did was balancing on one leg while holding the straps for all the exercises. Instead of the step overs I basically did single leg squats with crossing the back leg behind me. For the toe taps and step ups I did single leg squats with keeping the leg I wasn’t using to the side. It’s much closer to the work than what I used to do even with all the modifications. The second block was lunges with bicep curls or uppercuts and side planks, all exercises I could do. I had to be careful with the side planks while I was going from standing to the floor and back, but the actual exercise was not painful or difficult.
There was no way for me to know that this past week was going to be thrown off by my back issues. But I am so grateful that it really didn’t hurt my workouts too much. I did have new modifications to do, but I also was getting a lot of stuff done that I hadn’t been able to do until recently. I think there were more positive things about this workout than negative and that’s awesome! My back is still a little tender and I have a few moments of little pains, but I’m doing so much better and I’m optimistic the trend will continue that way.
One thing I didn’t mention in my post about going to the dentist was about how much pain I was in that day. I’m used to being in pain. It’s a reality of my life. But whenever I have pain that isn’t my normal pain, I swear it throws everything off.
This time, I was having horrible back pain. Somehow, I threw out my back. I know exactly when it happened and that couldn’t be the cause of it. I was pulling back my shower curtain after a shower when I had an intense pain on one side of my back. I could almost picture the spasms my muscle was having and it really shocked me. I have had random back pain from time to time, but I knew this was different.
I was trying to go about my day before going to the dentist, but everything was taking so much longer because I couldn’t move normally. By the time I went to the dentist, the pain wasn’t as sharp but it was still there. I was dealing with a weird dull pain that still felt like my muscles were twitching. Putting any weight on my back made it hurt worse so it was very painful to be laying in the dentist chair. I warned the staff there what was happening so they were allowing me to take breaks when I needed them so I could stretch or make the pain a bit less. But it was annoying and I’ve been trying to deal with this pain for the past few days.
With other pain I have, I know a general timeline of how long it will take to be better or what I need to do to make it stop. This time, I have no clue what to do for either. I also can’t easily use pain cream or KT tape since I can’t reach the area of my back that hurts without making it hurt worse. I’m just trying to do what I can with what I already use for pain. Stretching, using my foam roller and roller balls, and the acupressure mat are helping. I know that this injury is probably just going to take time to go away and I’m working on being gentle with myself.
I was almost laughing at myself when this happened. Throwing your back out seems like something that only happens to older people. But then again, I’m not that young and I already have issues that can potentially make my back worse. I know that with all my hip issues, I have to focus on keeping my core strong or my pelvis can get out of alignment and I know that affects my back. So maybe this injury is a result of hip issues and not old age, but I’m going to assume that it at least has a little to do with age.
From the people who I know have hurt their back this way, there’s nothing I can really do at this point besides be gentle and patient. That’s not the easiest thing for me to do, but I am noticing that things do get better each day. I can lay on my back again which is nice. So I’m trying to do that while reading instead of sitting up or laying on my stomach so that I’m not hunching over or straining my back. I’m trying to just be more aware of how different movement or positions make me feel and try not to push it too much when something is causing me pain. I know I need to push a little each day to stretch and get better, but I’m more aware now about what is good pain versus bad pain with my back. It’s so much easier for me to tell with my hips, but I have to remember that I’ve been dealing with that pain for over 13 years now so I don’t remember what it was like when it started.
And of course, this back issue had to start just after all my nausea ended so I don’t get to enjoy my non-nauseous time the way I’d like to. I’m not going to let it bring me down completely, but it does change up what I am going to do this week and next. I have to make sure that I find the balance of stretching and pushing myself and allowing myself to rest so I can get through this as quickly as possible. And doing that probably won’t involve going out too much since I want to have as much control of my environment as possible.
I already have had so many other signs that I’m getting old like having gray hair. I guess this is just another one and hopefully the last reminder of my age for a while.
Posted onApril 19, 2019|Comments Off on A Non-Surgery Anniversary (or Another Year Of Being A Medical Miracle)
Tomorrow will be the 2 year anniversary of when I didn’t have surgery. I know that sentence sounds really weird, but that’s exactly what it is. 2 years ago tomorrow, I was supposed to be having some of my liver tumors removed along with a portion of my liver. But because by some miracle my tumors decided to shrink on their own, that surgery didn’t happen. And I feel like that is something to celebrate!
I’ve had some things to work through mentally with all this. When my surgery was canceled, I didn’t know how to feel because this was something I had been preparing for and all of a sudden it wasn’t happening. Some people thought I was acting disappointed that I didn’t have surgery, but that’s not it. It was just an overwhelming feeling of confusion and a disconnection with things. I’ve gotten over that feeling as I have been able to identify it, but it’s still a bit of a weird spot for me.
I do also still have a little fear when I have another MRI because I don’t want to discover my tumors have decided to grow again. My next scan isn’t for another 6 months, but I’m already a little nervous because of the gallbladder attack I had recently. My surgeon and I have discussed that it’s possible my attacks stopped when my liver stopped being distorted by the tumors. That’s not something we know for sure, but it’s something we have thought is possible. So to know I just had another attack does make me a bit fearful that maybe that means my tumors are growing and making my liver misshapen again. There’s no point in me worrying about it right now, but I know that I won’t get the idea out of my head until after my next scan.
Even though I do have some weird feelings about the non-surgery anniversary, I have way more feelings that are positive about it. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the surgery even though I knew I needed it because I didn’t want to have to deal with the recovery. It would have been a very tough and potentially long recovery and I didn’t need that in my life. While your liver does regenerate so I would eventually have had a full sized liver again, during the time that it’s regrowing there are a lot of other issues that can come up. Leading up to when I was supposed to have surgery I was trying to stay optimistic about what side effects I might have, but I was also realistic. I’m so grateful I didn’t have to find out what would happen.
From the time I discovered I have liver tumors to the time my surgery was canceled was a pretty hectic time. It all happened in under 6 months and there was so much we had to do in that time to get my life prepared for such a major surgery. Once I had that out of the way, I was able to focus on things I enjoyed in my life again. I feel like this really was a turning point in my life to stop putting things off and to really work on finding what I want to do and not what I have to do. This is still something I am working on, but I know that the past 2 years have been filled with much more enjoyable stuff than the several years prior to discovering the tumors. I don’t want to say that this experience made me re-evaluate my life or make me have a new outlook on how I was spending my life, but I guess that’s kind of what it was.
I think this year celebrating not having surgery is a bit different from last year. I’m still excited about recognizing how amazing and incredible my body was to be able to shrink the tumors. But the focus this time seems to be less about not having surgery and more about the new start point of things. I don’t split my life up as before surgery and after not having surgery or anything, but I do see not having surgery as a fresh start of figuring some things out about myself. I’m not 100% where I want to be or who I want to be, but I’m significantly closer now than I was before.
I’m sure eventually one day I won’t be celebrating the non-surgery anniversary anymore, but for now I still feel like it is something to celebrate and acknowledge. It’s a big part of my recent history and has been something that changed the plan of my life. I feel like that’s important to remember.
Prior to discovering my liver tumors, gallbladder attacks weren’t that unusual for me. In fact, the hospital visit where I randomly discovered the tumors was because I thought I was having the worst gallbladder attack of my life. Once I learned about the tumors and they started to shrink, my gallbladder attacks stopped. I discussed this with my liver surgeon and we think that since my tumors were so big they might have been pressing on my gallbladder and making my attacks worse. I still have gallstones and gallbladder issues, but it’s not anything like it used to be.
My liver surgeon was going to remove my gallbladder when I was supposed to have my tumor surgery. Since that didn’t happen, he said that he would still do both surgeries if I need one or the other. So if I need my gallbladder out, he can take out whatever tumors are still seen. I do feel better that I have a good surgeon because there is a very high chance my gallbladder will come out eventually. But I am in no rush to do it and since I haven’t been having attacks I don’t think about it too much.
But last week, I had my first attack in a long time. I don’t know what food triggered it because I didn’t eat anything weird. And it wasn’t like most of the attacks that I have had in the past. I usually can tell that an attack will be coming a few hours before it hits. I hate knowing that it’s coming, but I guess it’s also nice to have a warning. My attacks usually last a few hours and there are a few tricks I’ve done over the years to help the pain feel a bit less severe and I have some breathing techniques that I’ve used too.
This attack came on very quickly. I had no warning symptoms leading up to it. It just hit me and I was in the middle of an attack before I knew it. I was having the stomach pain, the rib pain, crushing sensation in my body, and overall body sweats within a minute or two of the attack starting. It was the weirdest thing because I am not used to it happening so fast. And I haven’t had an attack in so long that it did take a bit of time for me to realize what was happening. I was scared I was having a heart attack or panic attack and couldn’t calm down. After about 10 minutes, I realized it had to be a gallbladder attack and went to lay down on my bed to try to let it pass.
Since it’s been a while since I have had an attack, I guess I forgot how horrible they are. I was in so much pain and I couldn’t believe that it was so awful. The entire attack was over in under an hour which is much faster than normal for me. So maybe the attack was a condensed attack which made everything worse. Or maybe I just forgot about them since it’s been a while. Either way, I was so grateful when it was over and I was so upset that it happened.
I have no clue if this is the start of all my issues happening again or if this was a random attack. I’m really hoping it was random because I do not want to have to worry about this again. But if they happen as often as they used to, I probably will consider surgery more seriously because there is no reason for me to be in this much pain on a regular basis if it’s easy enough to prevent. I have an MRI in October to check my tumors and they usually check my gallstones too. I’m hoping that I can at least wait until then so I can have an idea if my gallstones are worse than they used to be.
I had been so optimistic about my gallbladder for so long now because the attacks stopped. Maybe I needed the reminder that I still need to be careful and aware of my gallbladder issues and that’s what this was. I really hope that’s what it was and I heard that reminder loud and clear. I do not want to go through another attack again. I know that that’s not necessarily possible, but I at least want a very long break again before I have another one.
Posted onApril 11, 2019|Comments Off on Blogging Led To A Breakthrough (or I Need To Believe I’m Worthy)
Yesterday I wrote about how I was putting off doing an elimination diet to hopefully discover what triggers flares of one of my autoimmune conditions. I was honest about why I’ve been scared to do it and what I might or might not find out. Writing that all out did help me sort through my feelings a bit, but when I was done writing I wasn’t done thinking.
I kept wondering why I was so scared of something that will lead to answers one way or another. Even if I don’t find any foods that cause flares, I will learn that I don’t have trigger foods. That won’t be the result I want, but it’s more information than I have right now. But I knew that there had to it than just that. I thought maybe I was scared that it would trigger disordered eating behaviors, but I’ve done so many random diet plans and I know how I behave on them.
Then I realized something that I don’t know why I hadn’t connected before. Part of the reason I am hesitant to do this elimination diet that might help me is that I don’t necessarily believe I deserve to find out.
I’ve written about how in my past someone in my life liked to tell me that I wasn’t lovable or worthy of things. I’ve always thought of that in connection to dating and friendships. Whenever I get ghosted by a guy, I have to work through the thought that I was an idiot to think I deserved a guy that great. I was just ghosted by someone recently who I thought was a really great guy and I was looking forward to seeing him again. It sucks to be ghosted, but I know it has nothing to do with me. There are women in my life that look like supermodels that get ghosted. It’s a numbers game and since I put myself out there a lot I have the risk of being ghosted a lot.
But this false narrative I have about not being worthy does go beyond relationships. Maybe I’ve never connected it before or I never had the reason to connect it before. For years, I have said that I was unlucky with health related things because I always have weird stuff. But I never felt like it was my fault those things happened. They usually had a reason I could pinpoint that took the blame off of me somehow. But with an autoimmune condition, there’s nothing I can blame it on. Even if I discover what my triggers are, those didn’t give me this problem. It just makes it worse.
And I know that I didn’t do anything to deserve this issue or anything else health related. I know that it’s just a genetic issue or mutation that I had no control over. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been putting blame on myself.
Part of it is because I was misdiagnosed for a while and some people believe the skin flares caused by my condition are due to weight or bad hygiene. While weight can make some of the flares worse, weight doesn’t control whether or not I get this or get flares. And hygiene has nothing to do with it, but I do take a lot of care of my skin where I get flares so I don’t have any secondary issues. But when I was told that this was something I could have controlled and it wasn’t getting better, I did blame myself for not doing more. And when I couldn’t make it better, I figured I was doing things wrong and I couldn’t figure out what to do.
Now that I know that this is an autoimmune condition, I don’t have the same blame on myself. But I do wonder why I had to have this bad luck and what I did to deserve this. And the answer is that there’s no explanation for the luck and I didn’t do anything to deserve it. But in the back of my head, there is still the voice that says that I’m not worthy of good things.
And one of the good things that I feel like I don’t deserve is to get answers and to have fewer flares. It’s such a weird back and forth in my head about whether or not I deserve it. I know I do because everyone deserves to have whatever control they can over their body and medical conditions. But that little voice keeps telling me that I’m crazy to think that.
I have been working on quieting that mean voice through therapy and it has gotten better in the past few years. But it seems to pop up every so often and sometimes it’s in very unexpected ways. I never thought that it would be one of the reasons I have been avoiding working on my autoimmune condition. But the more I think about it the more I feel like that makes sense.
I’ve said so many times that writing this blog is like therapy for me. And I think that it always will feel like that because it allows me to get my thoughts out and even though I risk people judging me it is my voice and opinions uncensored. That freedom is so great for me. And having a breakthrough moment because I couldn’t stop thinking about something I wrote is a new way this is therapy for me. I’m so grateful I figured that out because now I have something new to work on and see if I can keep making that negative voice quieter in my head.
Usually, if I know something is going to help me or be good for me, I don’t hesitate to do it. There are a few exceptions, but I don’t normally waiver on the idea that something is going to better me. For example, even though I knew going off hormonal birth control would likely be an issue for me, staying on it was going to make my liver tumors continue to grow. I stopped the pill without a second thought. When I knew that I needed to add different supplements to my life to help with recurring medical conditions, I went to the store and bought them after leaving my doctor appointment. Even getting the non-wart/actual tumor off my face was something I didn’t go back and forth on once I found a doctor willing to do it.
But lately, I’ve been avoiding doing something that I know I probably should do. I have a few different autoimmune conditions and for one of them I deal with it flaring up. When I have flares, it causes very painful bumps on my skin and it can affect so many aspects of my life. There’s no cure for it and most treatments have a lot of negative side effects. And my condition is not nearly as bad as it is for many people so a lot of treatment options aren’t even options for me yet since they are for people with much more severe cases.
But something that I could do would be to find what my triggers are for my flares. Most people find that there are certain foods or categories of foods that trigger flares and you can stay almost flare-free if you avoid those foods. And the easiest way to figure out what foods cause flares is to do something called the AIP diet (which stands for autoimmune protocol diet). It’s like an elimination diet where you don’t eat foods that are common triggers for a period of time and then you slowly add the foods back in one by one. That way, when eat something that causes a flare you will know what it is so you can make sure you don’t eat it. This isn’t a diet that is meant to be long-term. You only follow the protocol until you know what your triggers are and then you go back to normal and just avoid the foods you need to.
I’ve known about this diet for a long time, but it was only recently when I decided to do it because I noticed I was having flares more often than normal. I originally planned on doing it after I had my trip last month, but then I got sick. There was no way I could follow the rules while sick and I knew my food habits would be weird then so I had to wait until I was better. And once I was better, I was dealing with pain and nausea so I decided to wait.
But this is just sounding like one excuse after another. And I had to think about why I have been acting like this. It took a few days of me doing some real soul-searching and thinking, but I think I finally realized what it came down to.
I’m terrified of what I will or won’t find out by doing this diet.
First, I’m scared I will find out I can’t eat foods that I love anymore without having flares. I would hate it if I couldn’t have dairy, eggs, or certain fruits and vegetables anymore. But I know that this is very likely because something is most likely one of the triggers for my flares. I don’t want to have to worry about every single thing I eat and if it has something in it that I won’t be able to eat. I’m scared that it will make eating at a restaurant difficult or that I will find it hard to adjust if something I love has to be out of my diet.
But I’m also scared that I won’t find out that any foods are causing flares. If I can’t find something that triggers them, that means I can’t do anything to help myself for now. I either have to see if I can do a treatment option that may be too harsh for me right now or I might have to wait to see if things advance to a more severe stage.
I don’t know which of those two terrify me more. They both sound horrible and I would be upset if they happened. But at the same time, doing nothing isn’t a good option either. I know I want to see if I can do something to help my autoimmune condition so that I don’t have to stress out about when a new flare will happen. I am lucky that the condition I have does tend to have food triggers because not all conditions have that. I have options I can try before I go to medications with lots of side effects and I owe it to myself to try those.
This is something that isn’t just something I should do for myself but what I need to do for myself. I do still need to do a bit more research on the plan so I can do it successfully, but I have a feeling I’ll be doing it soon so that I can try to find out some answers.
Posted onMarch 13, 2019|Comments Off on Another Sick Day Post (or Sorry For Two In A Row)
I’m sorry, this will be another short post. This cold really took me out. I’m surprised about how sick I’ve been because it didn’t feel too horrible when it started. But this is not acting like most colds that I’ve had before. I know I’m getting better, but it’s not the path I thought this cold would take.
I’m seriously so grateful and lucky that I work from home because I haven’t had to miss work because I’m sick. When I need to lay down for a minute, I can do just that. I’ve been working in sweats and go straight to bed right after I’m done. And I’m lucky that I actually feel better in the morning compared to later in the day. So I can work on all the crazy opening work like returning voicemails while I’m feeling better.
By the time you are all reading this, the workout class I usually take will be over. As I’m writing it, I have no clue if I’m going to work out. I hope that I will because I know it’s good for me to do any movement that I can. And I do feel much more like me in the beginning of the day. But I’ll just have to wait and see when I wake up.
I’m sorry again for the short and boring posts. Being sick isn’t fun and I am lucky that I’m not sick like this that often. But when I do get sick, I seem to really get sick and it takes me out. Last time I was this sick, I knew exactly when I was exposed to it so I could predict when I’d be getting better. This time, I have no clue who got me sick and I have to make a guess on when I should be doing better. I keep thinking I’m getting better when I wake up only to find out that I’m  doing just as bad as the day goes on. But I do know that this is a bug that I need to fight and eventually I will be better.
I’m trying to focus on self-care right now and prioritizing myself and my health. It’s a challenge and a good thing to work on, so I guess that is a positive of being sick. But I’m just ready to feel better and be back to normal life again soon.
I wrote briefly in yesterday’s workout recap how I had caught a cold and was dealing with it on Saturday. When I wrote that post, it was Sunday and I was feeling a bit better. I thought I had gotten over the hump of whatever bug I caught and I was so happy about that.
I was so wrong about it.
I’m writing this on Monday and I did manage to get to my workout. But that’s literally all I was able to do. I worked out, came home, showered, and spent the next 8 hours in and out of sleep. I would sleep about an hour at a time, wake up, and within a few minutes be back asleep again.
I really am shocked about how sick I am feeling because I truly thought I was getting over it and would be better today. I have no clue what I’ll be able to do this week and I’m already debating if I need to cancel my workout tomorrow. It will have to be a wait and see thing because I’m hoping by this afternoon I’ll be doing much better.
I wish I could be more eloquent and have more to say about this, but I really just want to get back into bed. I haven’t even been watching tv because I don’t have the energy right now to keep my eyes open.
Sorry for this short and rambling post. I have more interesting things to write about this week. But for now, this will have to do for today since I don’t have much more in me to write more.
Sorry For A Quick Post (or Going Through A Tough Day)
