Tag Archives: health issues

Remembering A Year Ago (or Still So Grateful My Friend Got Help)

Posted on September 5, 2019 | Comments Off on Remembering A Year Ago (or Still So Grateful My Friend Got Help)

About a year ago, I wrote a post about a friend who I had to force to get help because I felt they were a danger to themselves. That night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I have shared a lot of what happened with my friend because he doesn’t remember much about it (which I’m grateful for because I said some harsh things to him to force him to get help). When I wrote that post a year ago, I had no idea what my relationship would be like with my friend. Now, I’m so grateful that it hasn’t changed. If anything, we have gotten closer.

That night will stick out in my mind for so many things. I feared what would happen if my friend didn’t listen to me. I had threatened to call the police to get him if he didn’t go to a hospital, but I was so worried he would drive somewhere else and I couldn’t call for help for him. I didn’t think he would do anything to hurt himself while he was in the car, but I was still scared he would get in an accident because he was acting very irrational. I had no clue if my friend would talk to me again but I had to realize I was willing to sacrifice our friendship if that meant his life would be saved.

But some positives came out of that night. First of all, my friend got the help he needed. He has told me since that night that his doctors believe he might have harmed himself that night, so he needed to get help and he did. He has done some amazing work with his doctors and in therapy in the past year and I’m so glad that he has taken those steps. If that horrible night was what needed to happen for him to get the help and medical care he needed, that’s a good thing. I also witnessed so many friends coming together to help, both that night and for the days after it. We pulled together to help our friend with things like moving his car to a place where it won’t be towed, picking him up when he was coming home, making sure he had things he needed, and looking into options for paying for his medical bills.

My friend has also become much more open regarding this since this happened a year ago. I think that’s a good thing because more people can learn from what he has gone through and that can support him if they are going through something similar. I’ve shared on here several things that I battle with, and I have only seen positive things from being open. I hope that that’s what my friend is experiencing as well. From what I’ve seen, he has only gotten good things from his openness.

I know that my friend has been a bit anxious about this anniversary and I can understand that. He has gone through so much in the past year and I have only seen a fraction of it. I have tried to remind him that this is also an anniversary of him getting help and starting a new phase of his life. I’m sure he is remembering things from before and it’s not always easy to see the difference in your own life sometimes, but I see the difference. I know he isn’t the same person he was a year ago. I don’t worry about him the way I used to because I know he is in a much better headspace than he was before. I know that he is more comfortable reaching out and asking for help if he needs it. He has more resources than he had before and can manage things differently. I’ve only seen positive changes in him and that makes me hopeful that things are just going to continue to get better.

A year ago, I had no clue what would happen or if my friend would be ok. I’m so glad that things turned out the best that they could. I know that not everything is perfect, but they are being worked on. And seeing all these positive changes in my friend makes me feel better about forcing him to get help because that was something I really did struggle with. But now, there’s no question that it was the right thing to do and I hope that anyone who knows of someone who is at serious risk of harming themselves would do the same. It’s not easy to do, but it was the right thing to do.

And if you are struggling and want help, there are many resources out there. Going to an emergency room is an option if you don’t feel safe. They will help you and make sure that you are safe or get the help that you need. But I know that some people can’t or won’t do that for a variety of reasons. So if you don’t want to do that or are not sure if you need help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are available 24/7 and can offer resources or just be someone to listen to you. Getting help isn’t easy, but hopefully, you will see the good that comes out of it by hearing a little bit of what my friend accomplished since he got help.

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Another Hard Workout Week (or A Repeat Of The Last Week In More Ways Than One)

Posted on August 26, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Hard Workout Week (or A Repeat Of The Last Week In More Ways Than One)

In my last workout recap, I mentioned how I was writing it in a different style than I normally do because it was a really hard week for me. I was cautiously optimistic at the end of the post because I know that sometimes when the week before my period is really hard for me the week of my period is a little easier. So I was hoping that would be the case for me this time. But my body decided to mess with me a bit this time and gave me an extra week of nausea before I got my period. So instead of 2 weeks of nausea and pain this month, I got 3 weeks. As I’m writing this recap (the night before it goes up), I’m finally starting to feel a bit better. But all last week was just as bad if not worse than the week before. And that made my workouts suffer again like they did the week before.

I really wasn’t able to do much during all 4 of my workouts this week. For the cardio on all the days, I kept the bike at my base pace level and just worked from there. I did try to pedal faster and slower depending on if we were in a base, push, or all out; but I didn’t adjust the resistance once the entire week. Part of that was due to not having much strength to work harder, but also leaning over to adjust the levels made my nausea really bad. That was a feeling I’m not used to so I didn’t want to push it too much. So cardio became time to just try to keep going and not think too much about it.

On the rower, for most of the workouts had squats between the rowing segments so at least that wasn’t too bad for me. I did modify the squats when they were types of squats I couldn’t do (like jump squats) so I often did froggers or regular squats between my rowing. Most of the days we had short rows which were nice, but one day we did have long rows and I just had to take breaks when I needed them. I don’t like stopping in the middle of a row, but I also know that when I have to do that I just need to or it’s going to get worse. I think it was just extra frustrating because I was expecting this week to be a bit better and it felt like 2 weeks back to back of half-ass workouts for me.

On the floor, I kept my standard modifications for when I’m nauseous with using the bench a lot to help me with plank work. I tried doing heavier weights when I could to make up for what I wasn’t able to do on the bike or the rower, but sometimes even lifting weights would make me nauseous. I was also dealing with much more severe cramps than I usually do and I didn’t want to accidentally drop a weight if a cramp hit me too hard, so I had to be careful. I also tried to add in some stretching between exercises on the floor when I needed them to help with the pain a bit and it at least made me think I was feeling a bit better.

I don’t want to just dwell on all negatives with my workouts because there were some good things too. First of all, I went to my workouts. This past week was one of the more miserable weeks for me with the nausea that I’ve had. And it wasn’t that the nausea was that much worse, it was that I had been dealing with it at this level for so long. People started to think I was sick because my voice was sounding funny, but it was because of how long I had been getting sick and I’m guessing the stomach acid was starting to irritate my throat (it hasn’t done that before). It would have been easy to stay home and sleep in or try to take things easy, but I didn’t do that. I went and kept my normal routine and just tried.

I also continued to work with my new base pace resistance level on the bike. Although I should probably stop calling it new since I’ve been using it for a while now and it seems normal to me at this point. But I still kept using it even with how I was feeling this past week and I didn’t even consider once going down to the level I was using before.

Finally, this past week we also had a benchmark challenge. In Monday’s class we had the 500-meter row. I knew that I wasn’t going to PR on my benchmark, or even come close. I didn’t have any thoughts in my head that I would do that. My main goal was that I wanted to row the entire thing without taking a break. My other goal was that I wanted to see if I could do it in under 2 1/2 minutes. That’s not fast, but it’s under the time we are supposed to be able to do it under. I really didn’t know if I could do that, but I wanted to try. And when it was my group’s turn to do the benchmark, I took a little extra time to take some deep breaths before starting and went for it. I was able to finish just under 2 1/2 minutes and I was thrilled. It wasn’t anywhere near my PR or any times I had done for the benchmark in the past, but it was what I had hoped for considering how I was feeling.

Just like I ended the post last week, I’m hopeful that this week might be a bit easier on me. My nausea is a little better now, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t come back during the week. But I finally know that the end of the nausea for this cycle is coming up and I’m so relieved. I just want to get back to my normal workouts. Although, I have to say these different workout recaps are a bit fun to write so I may start switching up the blog posts a bit.

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Almost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early)

Posted on August 20, 2019 | Comments Off on Almost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early)

When I had my appointment with my therapist, one of the things that we talked about was a new medication that I was going to start. The medication was being prescribed off-label for me. Normally, it’s for headaches and sometimes for seizures. But it has also been found to have some side effects that work as benefits for people. Specifically, it has been found to cause people to lose weight and lose their appetite. So if I had those side effects, it would be a very successful medication for me.

It is a strong medication and there was no way to know how my body would react. So I had to do a very slow dosage increase over 4 weeks. The plan was that I was going to try this medication for 6 weeks and then I was going to have a phone check-in with my therapist to discuss how I feel and see if I liked how things were going and if the dosage seemed right. 6 weeks seemed like a good trial period to me and I was excited to see how it went.

Immediately, I noticed side effects that were not the ones I wanted. I noticed tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. For some reason, this was bothering me the most when I was rowing in my workouts. It got worse as I increased the dosage but then got better. So I was thinking that maybe I got over the hump of getting used to this medication.

I didn’t talk about any other side effects from this medication other than the tingling feeling because that was the only one that really affected me a lot in my day to day life. But I did have other things that I noticed and I wasn’t sure if they were side effects or not. I was trying to think maybe they were just feelings of stress or being tired because I am dealing with both of those a lot right now. And I wanted this medication to work. While it’s not suppressing my appetite the way I was thinking it would, I am losing some weight. I’m not the incredible shrinking woman, but I am down about 12 pounds in a month which is pretty impressive considering I don’t think I’ve made a huge difference in my food.

But I have realized these other little side effects can’t be ignored anymore. Yesterday, I had the worse bout of vertigo that I could remember. It was terrifying. I was holding to the ground to try to stay still. I couldn’t sit up without falling over. It started when I was sleeping. I woke up and the room was spinning. I tried to sit up and I couldn’t do that. The next thing I knew, I fell out of bed and was on the ground and couldn’t get my head up. I finally was able to get back to bed and sleep some more, but the entire morning I was dealing with vertigo (including in my workout which also was while I was nauseous).

The vertigo got a bit better in the afternoon, but I was still having moments when the room felt like it was spinning around me. I know that anything could have caused this, but I need to take variables out of my life. I already have had other weird issues with this new medication and I don’t want to be paranoid that anything wrong with me is caused by this medication. Right now, that’s the thought I have any time something seems off and I just want to get that variable out.

But because the medication is so strong, I can’t just stop it. I emailed my doctor and we came up with an ease off plan. Fortunately, I can ease off it quicker than I got up to this dose. But I will need to be working on it for 2 weeks before I can stop completely. I don’t know if my side effects will lessen as I lower the dose since most of them started even at the lowest dose, but it would be nice if they were a little easier on me. And I don’t know if when I am off the medication if they side effects will end right away or if they will linger.

I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to give the medication the full 6 weeks that I was planning on, but at the same time, I have to prioritize my health and how I feel. And I just don’t feel right and I don’t think it’s going to get better. It really has only been getting worse and I don’t know if I want to give it more time to try to get better. Maybe if I sucked it up a few more weeks I would be over a hump, but I don’t know if I want to suffer through a few weeks. But I am glad that at least I tried and know I know that it’s just not the right thing for me so I can move on and keep trying other options.

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I Hate Having A Hard Workout Week (or Not My Usual Workout Recap)

Posted on August 19, 2019 | Comments Off on I Hate Having A Hard Workout Week (or Not My Usual Workout Recap)

I normally have a pretty set format for doing these Monday workout recap posts. I do each day as its own recap and I keep things organized. I like having them that way. I only have written these posts a different way once or twice, and this is going to be one of those rare occasions.

I knew going into this workout week that it was going to be the start of my nausea. While the beginning of the week wasn’t that bad for me, I didn’t have the time to do my usual notes on my workout because of how crazy my schedule was. I can look back at some forums that have what the workouts were so I can tell you the basics of what I did, but I don’t remember how I felt or much more than the bare minimum of what I did for the workout. Monday was my usual class with the 2 group class and it was fine. It was nothing extraordinary for me, but it went well.

But Wednesday was when my nausea started and from that point on my workouts suffered. They all had the same issues and it really came down to me just doing what I was able to do. I hate when my nausea gets so bad that it gets to this point, but I am grateful that it’s not this bad every month. This has been one of the rare extreme ones, but when they happen they are pretty brutal.

For my Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday workouts, I had the same plan for the bike. I kept it at my base resistance level and just tried to pedal as much as I could. When the nausea got too much, I stopped and tried to just keep breathing through the nausea until it passed. I’m so lucky that for some reason I don’t throw up when I’m in class. I know that the nausea will pass as long as I wait it out. When the cramps and pain hit, I have to do the same. I take a break and breathe through it. It’s not fun, but it’s the only option I have.

I have a similar plan for rowing. The nausea hits me a different way on the rower. It’s hard to explain the nausea I get on the rower. It’s not worse than what I feel on the bike, just different. It’s almost like a mix of nausea and feeling hungry. But it’s the same plan with having to stop what I’m doing and just having to wait until it passes before I can continue. When the nausea and pain are mild, I can work through it. I only have to stop when it is really bad, but I also think that I have built up my tolerance a bit so maybe I’ll continue to get better at this and I won’t need to take breaks as often.

And on the floor for those 3 days, I tried my best to work hard to make up for what I wasn’t able to do on the bike and rower. If there was something we were supposed to do face down like plank work, I do have to modify it. Typically, that modification is just to use the bench for my hands instead of the floor. Sometimes I have to do something different, but since we do a lot of the same exercises (or the same type of exercises), I’m pretty good and knowing what to do to modify things to make them work for me. But with things that involve weights, I try to go hard when I can. I see that time as something that isn’t affected by my nausea and the moment I can feel like I really am getting my workout in and that I don’t feel so upset about not working hard.

I’ll admit, this past week of workouts was hard to keep my confidence up. There were a lot of things going on (more on that later this week) and I really wanted my workouts to be the escape that they usually feel like to me. But they just were such a struggle for me and I really hated that they felt like a challenge in the wrong way for me. But even with how hard they felt, I never questioned if I should go. Even if I was doing 1% of what I normally do, that’s still 1% more than I would have done if I was sitting on my couch or if I was sleeping in. And I love my routine of going to my workouts and having my days have the same pattern. I am glad that I have found a way to still do something even if it’s not what I am used to.

I’m not sure how this week will go for me. Sometimes when the nausea is really bad in the beginning it can be a bit easier for the rest of the time I usually deal with it. I’m hoping that’s how it goes. But I’m also prepared for it to be just as bad this entire week as well. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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Finding A Way To Be High Risk (or Playing The Insurance Game)

Posted on August 15, 2019 | Comments Off on Finding A Way To Be High Risk (or Playing The Insurance Game)

When I had my recent doctor appointment, I mentioned how I would be meeting with a genetic counselor to discuss being higher risk for breast cancer. I am not high risk like many women are because I don’t have the genetic mutation that is commonly known for being high-risk, but I still have a higher risk because my mom had cancer. That’s the reason why I started getting mammograms so early.

But the problem has been getting breast MRIs. I was able to get one because of a note from my mom’s doctor. Her doctor said I needed to have a baseline MRI to be safe and to have in my medical record for the future. Since the type of breast cancer that my mom had is only caught on MRI, they wanted something in my medical record that had an image that was clean and did not have any cancer in it. Honestly, it’s more of a cover their butt MRI to prove they checked me out, but I’m ok with that. I’d rather know that I’m ok than wonder if I should be worried.

But after that original MRI, my insurance didn’t want to cover any more breast MRIs for me in the future. I don’t need them that often, but my mom’s doctor recommended every 5 years or so. But if my insurance wouldn’t cover it, it could be $10,000-15,000. It’s bad enough that it’s $500 when they do cover it, but I cannot afford a 5 figure MRI and that is ridiculous. So the only way to get it covered it so prove that it is a necessary preventative procedure. If my mom’s doctor didn’t think it was necessary, I wouldn’t worry about it. But since they advised me to do it, I wanted to get it covered.

So I had a phone appointment with a genetic counselor this week. I wasn’t sure what to think since I knew this appointment was more about trying to prove I needed something and not about worrying about my health or risk factors. Fortunately, either there were notes about that in my record or this doctor was familiar with doing this. She got straight to the point and we worked through my family history. I was prepared and my mom helped me with making a list of everyone we knew who had cancer in my family going several generations back.

The genetic counselor did have some questions about my mom and the testing she had done, but I was able to get my mom on the phone which was helpful. And the counselor was able to tell my mom about a few new options that she might be able to look into at her hospital about different genetic tests. We don’t know if they are covered for her at her hospital, but since we have been told that there is a chance her cancer has a genetic component we want to try to be on top of any tests we can do.

After going over my family history, the genetic counselor started working through different equations that figure out your risk rate. In order to be considered high risk, you have to have greater than a 20% chance of getting cancer. It’s a bit weird to think about how this is all figured out, but I guess this is how things have to be done sometimes. There are dozens of ways to work through these equations and for some of them, my risk rate is extremely low. But we found one where my risk rate is 22.2%.

Now, I know this is just a random equation and it was only one of many options and most of the options showed my rate much lower than that. But this was something I needed to do to get the insurance coverage I’ve been trying to get. I don’t want to get into a debate about insurance, but it’s annoying that I had to figure out the one way that I have a high enough risk so that I could get the preventative care that I was told I needed. But I am grateful that I am going to get it and I don’t have to worry about it now.

The coverage I get is for 1 MRI a year, but I won’t be getting them that often. I think every 5 years is probably what I will do. Maybe even less often than that. But at least the option is there for me if I need it and knowing it’s there is a good feeling. I don’t have to worry if I have something wrong and I can’t afford to find out.

After I had this appointment, I talked to my mom and told her the results. I was saying how weird it was that I was almost celebrating being high risk for cancer, but that’s what I was kind of doing. But if that’s what it takes to get the care that I have been told I should get, then I guess it is something to celebrate.

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Hoping For Some Normal (or Fingers Crossed That This Was This Easy)

Posted on August 7, 2019 | 1 comment

I feel like every time I go in for a doctor’s appointment, I discover something random or weird. Maybe it’s because I am on top of going to my annual appointments and maybe it’s because I am that much of a medical oddity. Either way, I rarely leave without discovering something that makes me laugh or shake my head. Fortunately, I have a good sense of humor about this, but I do wish that sometimes things would be easy for me.

Even when I think an appointment went well, I find out that it wasn’t as easy as it seemed. Last year, when I went in for my annual appointment I thought everything went fine. Then a test of mine was lost. Then I had to get a higher level test to confirm that I was fine. Nothing was that horrible or painful, but it did make me laugh that I had to go through 3 appointments instead of the usual 1 just to confirm what my doctor and I knew. I was a little worried that maybe we would find out that there was something wrong with me, but I trust my doctor to tell me even if she worried a little bit. And she knew these tests were much more of a precaution than a diagnosis.

I was prepared for some more randomness when I went in for my annual appointment this week. I knew it would be more than my standard appointment because I did have a few things I did want to bring up with my doctor, but I also knew that there are always things that seem to come up and I now expect the unexpected.

But this appointment ended up going smoothly from the start. Even when they were taking my blood pressure, it went so much better than normal. I’m used to my blood pressure being extremely high before my appointment and normal after. This time, it was normal before the appointment. I don’t know if I was extra calm or if my blood pressure was very low so it just appeared to be normal. Either way, it was nice to have that recorded as normal at the beginning of the appointment so I didn’t have to do it again after.

I had all the normal tests done at my appointment, although I will have to wait to do my bloodwork for 2 more weeks. Even though I am not trying to get pregnant right now, so many of my friends are and most of them seem to be having issues. Because of my liver tumors, I know that fertility treatments are very limited for me, so there’s not much I can do if I find out that my fertility isn’t where it should be. But I still am curious what my levels are like. But to find those out, the bloodwork has to be done at a certain point in your menstrual cycle. So I will be waiting to do the bloodwork so I can do everything at one time.

We also discussed my cancer testing. For cervical cancer testing, we will have to wait and see if I need to do the higher-level testing again this year. There is a chance I will need to do so, and that is normal and nothing to worry about. It’s good to know that if I have to do it again I don’t have to think that it’s a sign of something wrong. And I will be doing another mammogram again in a month. But because of the type of breast cancer that I am at a higher risk of getting, I really should be getting MRIs every 5 years or so. But my insurance hasn’t wanted to cover those yet. So next week, I will be meeting with a geneticist to discuss my family history of cancer and hopefully, we can get things covered by my insurance. At least I have gotten approved for mammograms because that is better than nothing and I am still younger than the recommended start age for them.

Even though this appointment could still result in some random test results or weird things, it did go pretty normally. There was nothing discovered that was shocking. The things I had questions about for my doctor ended up being normal things that I was able to get answers for. I don’t have to do any medical testing that I wasn’t expecting to do or add new prescriptions. I think the fact that this appointment went so easily almost makes it so weird to me. I am still waiting for the email or phone call that they lost the tests or that they found something that is a 1 in a million result with me because that is what I am used to hearing.

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My Hip Surgery Anniversary (or Lucky 13)

Posted on July 10, 2019 | 1 comment

I’ve written about my hip surgery on here plenty of times. And I’ve written about the anniversary of my surgery as well. I know it’s something that happens every year, but it still always amazes me when another year passes and I haven’t run into the issues that I am worried about. Before I had my surgery, I knew that I would eventually need a total hip replacement on the hip that was operated on. I didn’t find out until after my surgery that I would likely need the same 2 surgeries on my other hip. I knew that my surgeon wanted to try to wait until I was at least 40 before I had a replacement, but I don’t think he was too optimisic about that. And I was told that I would need the first surgery on my other hip within a few years.

Every surgery anniversary I had I was so happy that I hadn’t needed any other surgeries yet. I was extremely cautious with what I did for a long time becuase I was scared I would do something that would make me need the surgery sooner. I don’t know if it’s because of how careful I’ve been or just luck that has kept my hips in the condition they are in, but whatever it is I’m grateful for it. I don’t want to have any more surgeries. I know that the chance of no more surgeries is extremely unlikely, but I’ve been beating the odds with so many things lately so maybe my hips will be the same.

I have beaten the odds in many ways already with my hips. I was told there were several things that I might not be able to do again, or at least not until I have a hip replacement. I have been most proud of regaining my flexibility after the surgery. It’s still not exactly how it was before, but it’s so close that I think I’m probably the only one who could notice the difference. And I’ve worked on my flexibilty more over the years so many I’ll regain that last little bit one day. The other things I have done that my surgeon didn’t think I could do aren’t as important to me as my flexibility, but it always makes me happy when I know I am doing something that I was told I couldn’t.

I do still have to be careful with a few things because I am at a higher risk for a hip fracture than most people. So anything with a high risk of falling like skiing or skating are really off-limits for me. I could push myself to do them and just try to be careful, but it’s not worth it to me to try. As much as I miss skiing, it’s not worth risking a fracture. There are a few other things that are high fall risks that I have debated about doing, but so far I’ve been avoiding those because I know they are riskier than the other chances I’ve taken with my hips.

This past Sunday marked 13 years since I’ve had my hip surgery. I have easily surpassed the expectations of my surgeon regarding when I’d need my next surgery as well as what I can do. 13 years of beating the odds is pretty amazing. I don’t know if when I had my surgery if I thought about how my life would 13 years later. I probably thought I would have limited movement like I did right before and right after my surgery. But in so many ways, I’m able to do more physically now than I could before the cartilage tear. I know there is no way I thought that would happen.

I do have some issues that didn’t exist for me before the tear happened. I have pain that never existed for me before. The pain is much better than it was right before surgery, but it’s still pain that I deal with every single day. And sometimes the pain is almost as bad as it was before surgery and I struggle to move and walk. Fortunately, that pain isn’t that often and normally it’s much duller and less intense pain that I have each day. And I’m starting to notice signs that the cartilage in my other hip might be starting to tear. I’m not going to worry about it until I have a lot of pain because it’s not easier for a surgeon to operate on me now versus once it’s torn. And the damage is already bad enough that there’s not much they could do to save the cartilage like I was hoping would be possible. When the pain gets frequent and intense in my other hip, I’ll look into my options more. But for now, I know my best option is to wait unless there is a reason I want to have surgery sooner.

As much as I hope that the next surgery will be 13 years away, I know that realistically that it will be sooner. But that isn’t going to stop me from continuing to surpass expectations and do everything I can even though I was told I might not be able to do so. And maybe having that attitude will help me get as many more years in before that next surgery. But every year that passes gives me more hope for what can happen after the next surgery. I had no clue I’d be doing this well 13 years later. I have no way of imagining what will be 13 years after the next surgery.

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Another Online Class (or I Just Have To Keep Trying)

Posted on June 19, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Online Class (or I Just Have To Keep Trying)

For a very long time, I have tried to find a way to recover from my eating disorder. I’ve tried lots of different things and nothing has been the fix I have been looking for. But as I have tried more and more, I’ve also realized that there is a chance that nothing will be the perfect solution and I have to probably use multiple tools and skills to get into recovery.

Most things I have tried have benefitted me at least a little. Or even if I found no benefit, I have learned that they aren’t the right thing for me and I don’t have to worry to keep trying it. Sometimes, thinking something might work can be stressful and it’s nice to know that it won’t so I don’t have to waste any brain space on it. And some of the things that I didn’t find super beneficial at first have connected with me at another time and they are helping.

Right now, I’ve got a few things that have been helping me. Those include the medications that I’m taking, the therapy that I do, and some of the books and research that I have continued to read. With my medication, it’s been an interesting journey with having to change things up to figure out the right dosage. I think what I’m taking now is a good dose and I do feel it helps. And there is a chance that I will be adding another medication soon which should help more. But that decision will come in the next month or so. Therapy was much more helpful in the beginning when I was still trying to figure things out. Now that I have a lot of the answers I have been looking for, therapy is a good check-in, but it’s not as mind-blowing as it was before. I don’t have a lot of huge realizations in therapy, but I do hope that I might have some from time to time as I continue to grow.

And the books I have read about recovery have been one of the more helpful things because it has made me feel less alone in this entire thing. Eating disorders can be isolating and I feel like binge eating was even more isolating because it wasn’t understood to be an eating disorder until recently. I have found some online communities that have helped, but I think the books and research I do have made me feel less alone than those communities.

One of the first books I read that connected to me was “Brain Over Binge”. Many people raved about the book and said it helped them recover when nothing else did. I went into reading the book hoping it would do the same for me. While it didn’t, it did bring a lot of insight into my eating disorder and helped me think very differently about it. I read the book a while ago and knew I wanted to read it again, but then I heard about the online course that the author of the book was doing.

I knew she had done other online courses before, but I never really looked too much into it. I knew it was out of my budget at the time so I didn’t focus on what it offered or what it was about. But for some reason, this time I really wanted to see what the course was about and really put some thought into if I could find a way to afford it since I know that finding a way to recover is priceless (as cheesy as that sounds).

Because of some of the changes that were made to the course, it was much cheaper this time than it was before. Its still something that I had to budget for and find where I could not spend money so I could pay for it, but I knew I had to go for it. This is worth it for me to try and I didn’t want to skip an opportunity just because of money.

The course is 8 weeks long and it just started this week. The entire thing is online and there are assignments Monday-Friday. Some of the assignments are worksheets or journal prompts and some are listening to different types of audio coaching. Everything can be downloaded so I can keep the resources forever. I am making sure I download everything because I want to have access to them whenever I need them. I don’t know if this course will connect with me right now, so I want to have the ability to try again later if I need to.

I’ve only done a few lessons so far, but I am enjoying them. Even though a lot of the information is the same I got from reading the book, they are presented in a different way and it feels different. I’m trying to not have too much pressure with myself to make this course be the thing that gets me to a place of recovery, but I do have a lot of optimism that it will help at least a little and maybe more than anything else I have tried before.

Like I said, I have realized that recovery is going to require multiple tools and skills and every time I add another one it can only be a good thing. Of course I want this to work perfectly and be everything I need, but I am looking at it as another option and tool I can use when it feels right. And if I can have a tool or skill to use for anything that may come my way, that’s going to help me win this battle no matter what.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Monthly Challenge Down (or July and August Challenges) Default ThumbnailMore Eating Disorder Research (or Reading About HDE) Default ThumbnailKeeping My Emotions In Check (or You Are Not Your Brain) Default ThumbnailFinding A Community (or Online Motivation) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress)

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I Love When Something Becomes A Non-Issue (or An Update On The Scar On My Face)

Posted on June 14, 2019 | Comments Off on I Love When Something Becomes A Non-Issue (or An Update On The Scar On My Face)

I have had no regrets at all since doing the surgery to remove what turned out to be a benign tumor on my chin. I was a bit worried going into it based on what other doctors had said to me, but I quickly realized that my fears were not going to be realized. I was not going to have a massive scar or look disfigured from having this removed. Maybe the doctor who told me that before really believed that and surgical techniques have improved a lot since then or maybe he was warning me and didn’t think it was guaranteed to be that bad. Either way, I’m so glad that the original doctor was wrong and I found a new doctor who was confident that he could do it and didn’t think it would be a bad decision for me.

Before I had the surgery, I was so self-conscious and aware of the mark on my face. Not only did it feel like everyone was looking at it and it was the most noticeable thing on my face (although I know that wasn’t true), it was painful too. The skin on it would sometimes break and it would start bleeding. I know that’s gross, but it’s the truth. I hated how it would hurt and I was so embarrassed when I realized that it started to bleed. The skin around it was so irritated from both the past treatments I had done and all the trauma to the skin that the breaks would cause. While my main motivation for the surgery was for appearance, the physical issues were a reason too.

I did whatever I could to make the mark blend in with the rest of my skin. I had so many concealers I would use and I wouldn’t leave the house without using at least one. Even when I was going to my workout, I would put concealer on that spot and it would make me feel better about myself. It’s crazy how much one little thing (that most people didn’t even notice) affected my life and had me working around it.

Since the surgery, I’ve been doing treatments to keep the scar soft and as minimal as possible. It’s not that much work and it’s been easy to have as a part of my normal skincare routine. I’ve only had one follow up with my doctor and he was very happy with how the scar looked. I’ll be seeing him again at the end of the summer when I do my normal skin/mole check, but I’m guessing he will be looking at the scar too. I think he will tell me that I have been doing a great job with the aftercare and that I should probably continue with the same plan as long as I can. I want the scar to look as close as possible to the skin around it, so I will do anything I have to do to accomplish that.

But I realized this week that I don’t really need the acknowledgment from my doctor that I am doing the right thing. I haven’t been putting concealer on my face like I was doing before. I still put some on when I wear makeup or am going out because the skin is a bit more red on the scar than on the surrounding skin. But I don’t feel the need to wear it when I’m going to work out or when I’m just going to run a quick errand. Considering how important my concealer was to me before surgery, it’s amazing to think that it’s not even something I think about anymore.

I have been skipping the concealer for my workouts or quick errands since my surgery. But it was only like that right after surgery because I wasn’t allowed to put makeup over the scar. At my follow up I was given a timeline as to when I could start using it. But I actually don’t remember how long I was supposed to wait because I never thought about it again. I think it was another week or two after the stitches came out, but by the time I was able to do so I wasn’t worried about it.

I know that there is no requirement to wear makeup or to conceal any blemishes or marks, but for me, I was covering it up for me and not for what others thought.  If I forgot concealer and had to see a bunch of people, I couldn’t focus because I was so worried about if anyone would notice it. It was really a big time suck in my life and I love that it’s not anymore. And to know that I didn’t even realize that I’m not worried about it anymore makes it even better and more proof that it’s a non-issue for me now.

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Having Health Paranoia (or I’m Sure I Am Just Fine)

Posted on June 13, 2019 | Comments Off on Having Health Paranoia (or I’m Sure I Am Just Fine)

I’ve probably earned the right to be a bit paranoid about my health. I’ve had ongoing health issues most of my life. I’ve had some very random things that have come up as an adult that are now ongoing and cause problems a majority of the time. And I’ve discovered new health problems when I thought I was being checked out for a more routine one. I’ve also written on here about my body disconnect I’ve felt and I think that has made me wonder what is happening with me more often. I think that disconnect has been one of the main reasons I have a bit of paranoia now.

When I had my first gallbladder attack in a long time, I was terrified it would last forever or that it was the start of the attacks happening as often as they did before. I’m still worried that I will have another attack and any time I have even the smallest symptom that could be related to my gallbladder I brace myself for more. Fortunately, I haven’t had another attack yet, but I am still on edge and waiting to see when the next one will happen. I’m aware that I could just get my gallbladder removed and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. But that’s not a super easy surgery and there are issues I could have once my gallbladder is gone.

I try not to be too paranoid about things, but I know it’s just something that unfortunately seems to be my default setting. I’m like that with my dentist appointments. I’m always sure that I will be told that something horrible is happening with my teeth and I need to do a lot of major work. No matter how many times I am proved wrong, I still think that way.

So this week, when I started having random symptoms, my paranoia kicked in. I still don’t know what is wrong, but things have been getting better. I’ve been very tired and having some moments of being light-headed. I know that those can be because of the heat and weather changes so those symptoms alone didn’t concern me. But then I started having some odd abdominal pain. It wasn’t sharp and painful but it wasn’t as severe as the dull pain I get with my gallbladder. It was more like an annoying dull pain that would come and go.

I have learned not to try to find out what’s wrong with me by looking things up. Usually, as a woman, it will either say that I could have cancer or could be pregnant. Or it will be some very dangerous issues that can happen with your reproductive system. I guess technically there could be something wrong with my uterus, but I really doubt it (and I know I’m not pregnant and I doubt I have cancer). Nothing good can come from trying to figure out what’s wrong online so I don’t even attempt it.

If I was in extreme pain or this was lasting several days, of course I would go to the doctor to get checked out. I don’t mess around with health issues because I do know how serious they could be. And maybe if I had the same health insurance I had when I was growing up (where everything was free), I might try to get an appointment sooner. But now, I know I need to at least wait it out a few days to see if there is still something to be worried about. If I still have the same symptoms after a few days, then it is something to double check. But more often than not, these issues go away on their own and I never find out what’s wrong. I’m sure there are some aches and pains that are nothing to worry about even if they technically aren’t normal. I don’t have to worry that every little thing is going to lead to something huge. But I can’t help but worry about it ending up like that.

As far as my current health situation goes, it has been getting better each day. I still have most of the symptoms, but they aren’t as severe or as frequent. So I guess this will be just another one that goes away on its own.

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