Category Archives: Tough Stuff

A Non-Exciting Life (or Trying To Not Feel Left Out)

Posted on July 17, 2015 | Comments Off on A Non-Exciting Life (or Trying To Not Feel Left Out)

My life is relatively routine and boring. While I do get to go to fun events and have friends who throw awesome parties, I haven’t really gone on a big adventure in a while.

I’m usually pretty ok with this. While I can take time off of work, I’d rather not do that because then it means I’m not getting paid (unlike my old box office job where I made commissions while I was in Maui). So I pretty much have to be at my computer Tuesday-Saturday.

But a lot of people in my life have been doing some awesome things and I’m really wishing I could do the same. I had dozens of friends at Comic Con this past weekend. I applied for a press pass but didn’t get one. And I really don’t have the money to spend on a pass. So I watched everyone’s tweets, Facebook posts, and Instagram pictures over the weekend and kept wishing that I was there. I’m planning on re-applying next year for a pass and hopefully I’ll get one.

I’ve also know a lot of people going on vacation. It’s summer and it seems like everyone takes at least one awesome trip. I was hoping to make it out to Tahoe this summer, but after my grandpa passed away my mom and I forgot to plan it (I only remembered when I saw the dates with a question mark in my calendar the day I was thinking of going). I might get to go to Tahoe in the late fall or winter, but the summer trip isn’t going to happen.

I haven’t done regular summer trips in a long time. I usually don’t feel too left out. But when I see awesome pictures from people traveling, it really makes me wish that I had the time and money to go too.

Whales in Alaska

That picture is from a family member who is in Alaska right now.

I’m trying to stay focused and realize that right now is the time that I need to work on making money. Eventually there will be time (and finances) to go on fun trips. I might get to do another trip to New York soon with my sister-in-law, but that’s still up in the air so I’m focusing on the little trips I know I’ll get to do. I’ll be back at Disneyland in about a month (and that’s something that a lot of people don’t get to do). I’ll be going down to San Diego next month to see my grandma (and parents) and again at Thanksgiving where I will spend a few days with 4 generations of my family. And at some point later this year will be my Tahoe trip.

I’m not sure why everyone going on vacation and to fun events is affecting me so much. Maybe it’s because I’m getting serious about my money situation and have realized how out of reach a vacation is for me right now. Last time when I went to New York I used money to pay for it that I probably should I put toward my credit card debt (I also put more debt on my credit card to pay for the trip and I’m not proud about that). If I do get to go back to New York, there’s a good chance that I’m going to have to do a similar thing, but at least I’ll be conscious about making that decision.

Even if I don’t really get to go anywhere for the summer, I live somewhere where I can go to the beach pretty easily and there are lots of fun (and free) things around LA that I can do.

I guess I’m going to have to have an awesome staycation for the rest of my summer!

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Default ThumbnailA Plane Ride And A Mini Road Trip (or My Adventure To Get To Lake Tahoe) Default ThumbnailUnemployed Again (or Trying To Not Make It Feel Like Summer Break) Default ThumbnailOff On An Adventure (or It’s Hawaii Time!) Default ThumbnailKeeping Life Exciting (or Making Sure Tomorrow is Different Than Yesterday) Default ThumbnailExciting Weekend Plans (or Finally Meeting The Puppy!) Default ThumbnailBirthday Countdown (or Taking Suggestions On How To Celebrate)

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Posted in Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff, Travel

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Working on Budgeting (or Spending Money To Save Money)

Posted on July 15, 2015 | 4 comments

I’ve been trying to find a way to help make paying my credit card debt easier. And at the same time, I’ve been working on figuring out the best way to create a budget.

I’ve been able to make a really basic budget by listing all the expenses that I know that I have every month (rent, utilities, online subscriptions). So I know what the minimum I need to make each month in order to survive (I’m almost there). But knowing how much money I need to make to pay essential bills doesn’t really help me for budgeting things that change from month to month like groceries, shopping, gas, and other expenses. Those seem really tough for me to budget for because I try my best to set aside a certain amount for it but things come up and then my entire budget falls apart. My system doesn’t allow for flexibility and unexpected expenses.

And I’ve tried lots of budgeting ideas and systems in the past. The big problem that I’ve found with almost all systems is that they were designed for someone with steady income. That’s not something that I have. While my box office job is pretty steady with my weekly pay (that would only change if I’m missing lots of hours that I can’t make up), my research job and babysitting work is not as stable. So I needed to figure out how freelancers budget (even though I’m not a freelancer).

I was searching around online and happened to come across You Need A Budget. This is totally going to sound like I’m being paid to say all this, but I swear that this is all my opinion and I’m not getting anything out of it (unless YNAB would like to give me a copy of the software for free!).

I’m in the middle of a free trial, but so far I’m loving this budgeting system. It really works for someone who has more random income. Basically every single purchase and deposit is recorded. You set aside how much you’d like to spend in categories like bill, savings, debt, and anything else you want and then you put in how much you have spent of each one. The idea is that while you may start out by using this month’s pay to pay this month’s bills, eventually the money you make one month will be going toward the bills you will have in the future (which will end the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle).

This might not really be helping me pay down my credit card debt, but it is helping me work on a budget and figure out where I can spend money that makes sense. And hopefully one day I can start working toward putting money away for the future and other things like vacations. But for now, the main plan for me is to figure out a realistic budget and to see if there is more money that I can be putting toward my debt and not toward things that really aren’t needed.

Like I said, right now, I’m doing a free trial of this system. But I’m pretty sure that I’ll be paying for it when my trial ends (I think it’s about $60). But I’d love to hear from any of you who also use You Need A Budget so I can figure out more tricks and tips to maximize the system and really get serious about figuring out my money situation.

Update: Since posting this blog, I have decided to spend the money to keep the YNAB software after the free trial. It’s really awesome. If you want to buy it, you can use this link for 10% off!

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Posted in Saving, Shopping, Tough Stuff

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Getting Through My Workouts (or Sweating When I Can’t Breathe Through My Nose)

Posted on July 13, 2015 | Comments Off on Getting Through My Workouts (or Sweating When I Can’t Breathe Through My Nose)

My workout week wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t horrible either. But I’m pretty darn impressed with myself that I did work out.

I got 3 workouts in. Part of the reason I only did 3 was because the week before I did 5 (and that was tough on me). But the other part was that I was sick.

I’ve read online that as long as all of your symptoms are above the neck, you are ok to work out. If they are below the neck (body aches) then you aren’t supposed to push yourself. While I did feel a bit achy, I figured that that was from pushing myself the week before and not from being sick.

My Monday workout was pretty tough. That was the day I felt the worst over the week. I had to keep stopping to catch my breath and cough. It wasn’t easy doing anything, but I did my best. And I did manage to stay at pretty much the same levels on the treadmill and weights on the floor as usual. I just wasn’t able to last as long or do as many rounds. But being able to do a little bit is better than me doing nothing and sitting on my couch. And I did feel a bit better after the workout so I joked that maybe I was able to sweat out the germs.

Wednesday was a bit of a blur for me. I had dealt with some people being really horrible to me at work and my head was foggy to begin with. Being sick on top of that really didn’t help. Again, I had to take more breaks than usual, but I was able to do a good chunk of the workout.

Friday was insane for me. It was a strength day, which means hills on the treadmill. I always do hills since I’m a power walker and can’t increase my speed like the joggers and runners can. But on strength days I try to do more extreme hills.

It seemed like every hill segment was 3 minutes long. And there were 3 sets of 3 minute hill segments back to back (with a 1 minute base pace at 4% incline between). It was so tough for me to get through those hills, but I pushed as much as possible. I still had to take more breaks than I would have liked to, but it was fewer breaks than the other days in the week.

I’ve talked about it before how glad I am that I’m able to work out while I’m sick. I’m not using being sick as an excuse the way I used to. I think part of this is because I work out of my house now. I can tell my boss that I’m too sick to work, but I really try not to do that. I can always bring my work stuff into my bed and work from there. So if I’m not allowing myself a sick day from work, why would I from a workout?

I’m finally feeling better (although I’m not 100% better yet). So I’m hoping that this week I can bring my workouts back to the level that they were before and that I can maybe get in 4 workouts this week to make up for only doing 3 last week.

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Posted in Fitness, Fun Stuff, Health, Tough Stuff

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Getting Sick (or Pushing Through The Sniffles)

Posted on July 9, 2015 | Comments Off on Getting Sick (or Pushing Through The Sniffles)

At the 4th of July party, I was starting to feel a bit sniffly. I figured it might be because Marie and Chris have some cats that live in their backyard. Cat fur is all over the backyard and I stupidly forgot to take my allergy medication (I’m very allergic to cats). I really didn’t think too much about it and spent a lot of the party blowing my nose.

I took a decongestant when I got home, figured I’d feel fine in the morning, and went to bed.

I was so wrong.

I woke up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath. I couldn’t breathe through my nose and I couldn’t stop coughing. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, I was sick. Fortunately, all of my symptoms seemed to be just above my neck (no fever) so I was pretty sure that this was a summer cold.

I pulled out some of my usual remedies for having a cold and hoped for the best. I tried to sleep the rest of the night, but it was a pretty restless night and I knew that it wasn’t worth trying to sleep in.

Cold Remedies

I really tried to take it easy on Sunday. I focused on drinking as much water as possible and just relaxed between doing house chores. I spent as much time as I could doing low-key things like reading and watching tv to save my energy for when I had to go out and do some sort of chore (like going to the grocery store which felt like what I imagine running a marathon feels like).

I hate being sick. Usually my mind isn’t too foggy but my body won’t keep up with my head. I want to get work done, but I just can’t. I almost prefer it when I have a foggy head (usually when I have a fever) because then I just sleep it off and not think about it. When my mind feels fine, being sick is just frustrating.

There aren’t really any sick people around me, so I’m thinking that this might be the lack of stress. I was worried so much about the 200th episode event, so I was running like crazy taking care of that. When I was in school, I would seem to get sick after midterms or finals a lot. That let down made my immune system a bit weak and I’d catch something. So I’m thinking that this is something like that.

There’s really not much that I can do about being sick. I’m trying to do the same things that I do when I’m not sick, but if I need a nap or to slow down I’m not beating myself up over it.

I’m hoping that this gets better soon. I know that many of the symptoms can last for a while, so I’m going to stock up on some of my remedies (those will also come in handy when I have another cold in the future).

I’m just grateful that I work out of my house so I don’t have to be too far from any of my remedies and between customers I can relax a bit.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Hip Surgery Anniversary (or This Feels Like A Milestone)

Posted on July 7, 2015 | 5 comments

Today marks 9 years since my hip surgery. I feel like this is a big anniversary. Obviously 10 years is one that most people would think of. But for me, 9 years has some significance.

I was told pretty soon after my hip surgery that I would probably only make it 3 years (if that) before my next surgery would be needed. The marker for needing that next surgery would be a similar amount of pain that I had prior to my surgery on the right side.

For those first 3 years, I pretty much lived in fear. Any time I took a step that caused my hip to have a shock of pain, I was terrified that was that and I would be in a cycle of pain again. But luckily for me, usually that pain only lasts an hour or so. I’ve also learned some tricks about how to make the pain go away faster.

Once those 3 years went by, the next 3 years scared me. I figured that I would never make it twice the amount of time that my surgeon expected me to before the next surgery. Again, I was in constant fear that I would have that horrible pain again that caused me to feel like electrical shocks were never-ending in my body.

But for the last 3 years, I’ve been working on not having that fear. I’ve pushed my body to do things that I was told that I should try not to do. While I do still avoid things that make falling a high risk (like skiing or skating), I’m pushing my limits and finding new ones.

It started with spinning. That was something that my original hip surgeon was concerned about. He really only wanted me to use a reclining bike, not an upright one. The upright one puts more pressure on my hip sockets and can cause me to need to have surgery sooner rather than later. But I figured that since I had already exceeded the original timeline for when I would need my next surgery, it would be ok if I ended up needing the surgery now.

After spinning I started at Orangetheory. While I am still very careful there by not trying to run on the treadmill (although I’m really tempted to test that out) and by not doing things like step ups that cause my hips to catch, I do things that I know aren’t the best for me. But again, the fear of needing my next surgery is fading away.

With my new diagnosis, I’ve got a few more options for what surgery I’ll do next. The surgery that my surgeon would prefer to do on me would require a very long recovery including overnight hospital stays (I’ve never been at a hospital overnight). I wouldn’t be walking without assistance for a couple of months. I really don’t like that idea. The other surgery option only would be about 6 weeks of recovery, but the chance of success is a little lower.

I’ve still got plenty of time to figure this all out. I’m not in need of surgery yet. And I still need to lose quite a bit of weight before the surgeon will write the order for the MRI (which is the next step and will allow me to get a second opinion). But I do want to plan things out because when things do go bad, they go bad very quickly and I don’t want to spend almost a year in pain like I did last time.

I’m now starting to wonder if I can make it another 3 years before I have to think seriously about surgery. It’s not a fun process to go through (I’m already dreading the MRI which was a horrible experience last time) and once I have the surgery I might not gain full range of motion again. I’m still technically not fully recovered from the surgery 9 years ago although my range of motion is getting very close to how it used to be.

So here’s to 9 years of not needing my next hip surgery! Clearly I’ve been doing something right and I’ve hopefully got several more years before I need to worry about going on the operating table again!

IMGP0195.JPG

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Seeing Signs (or Is This Denial?)

Posted on June 30, 2015 | Comments Off on Seeing Signs (or Is This Denial?)

It’s now been almost 2 months since my grandpa passed away. And I’m still questioning if I’ve accepted it. It doesn’t feel real to me still. And maybe that’s because I only visited my grandparents a couple of times a year and I’ve only been down to see my grandma twice since it happened. I’m thinking that it might not feel real until Thanksgiving when I think his absence will really be felt.

I’ve been lucky where very few people who I love have passed away. But it usually feels real right away. But then again, many times it’s been after a long illness and I knew that this was coming.

When Kip (my acting teacher) passed away, it was after about a year in the hospital. Every so often we thought that he was getting better and going to come home, but then something would happen and he would take a turn for the worst. This went on for so many months that I wondered if he would just live for several years in the hospital (we tried to make it seem homey for him and decorate for the holidays). In the end, he decided to end all life-extending measures and we were all given a chance to say goodbye. When I went, he wasn’t really conscious, but there was music playing in the room and every so often he would smile at that. I was there for maybe 30 minutes telling him how much I loved him and then said goodbye. He passed away a day or two later.

With my friend Keri, that was another long illness. While I never really said goodbye to Keri, I still knew that this was coming. And honestly, I doubt she would have allowed me to say goodbye to her. She was always so positive and wouldn’t want to have me think about not seeing her again.

The one death that I’ve experienced that was unexpected in the past was my Great Aunt Shirley. She was like my grandma on my dad’s side. Her health was always a little poor, but when I got the call that she passed away, I was shocked. I never got to say goodbye to her and I regret that I didn’t have a phone call with her closer to her death (our last phone call was about 2 months before she passed).

I’m not hoping to necessarily feel sad about my grandpa’s death. He and I had a very complicated relationship and I understand why my emotions might not be what people expect. But some sense of closure might be nice.

I may have gotten a bit of that this past weekend. I was at the grocery store picking up a few things. They had a display of Coke bottles near the check out. I haven’t had soda in years so I still don’t know why I looked at it. But when I did, in the center was my grandpa’s name.

A Sign?

I’m not sure what this sign meant, but it was definitely something. And for some reason, it gave me a bit more peace with everything.

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Feeling Secure (or Not Letting Past Jobs Make Me Feel Bad Anymore)

Posted on June 26, 2015 | Comments Off on Feeling Secure (or Not Letting Past Jobs Make Me Feel Bad Anymore)

I’ve always had confidence issues with my day jobs. I’m not quite sure what set it off to begin with. The after school jobs I had in high school and college were fine (although my high school job did expose me to TB but that wasn’t too much of an issue). And while it’s always tough to find good day jobs, I’ve found several that work out for me.

But for as long as I can remember, if a boss at a day job wanted to talk to me, I was so sure that I was being let go or I did something horribly wrong.

I have had some horrible day jobs, but nothing that made them horrible was something that I brought on to myself. I had one boss who was very verbally abusive and threatened me when I questioned something that turned out to be insurance fraud. I left that job after my boss said that I really should die (and sadly, I never reported anything because I didn’t know that I should). I’ve had bosses who were awesome for a week or two, but then required me to take a class at a place of worship for me to continue working for them. I’m fine with continuing education, but I don’t want to be forced to take the class inside of someone’s church. And I’ve had bosses who were just outright mean to me and talked about my weight loudly behind my back so I could hear it.

Even though I didn’t deserve any of those things to happen to me, somehow I have it in my head that it is my fault. I’ve compared myself to a puppy who came from an abusive situation and is now in a good home. I don’t know how to react with good things and I’m always assuming that I’m doing something bad.

I’ve been pretty lucky with my box office job. Even though I work alone in my house, I do get feedback from time to time. My manager lets me know when things are going well and when I have to email different locations about things, I do get praised for taking initiative.

With my new job, it’s a little more difficult and easier at the same time. It’s easier because I used to work for this boss before and she knows my confidence issues with work. She’s happy to reassure me that I’m doing the right thing and knows that I’m very paranoid about it all. But it’s more difficult because there is less feedback because so much of this job is creating the procedure to get things done. So there’s really no way to know if I’m doing things “right” or not until we figure out that it isn’t working.

Because I’m finally feeling more comfortable that I’m not going to be fired tomorrow at either of my day jobs (seriously, I’ve felt like that every day for forever), I’m trying to readjust my feelings and thoughts about day jobs. This is not just a situation where I’m working because I need a job. The companies I work for need me too. I’m a valuable employee and not disposable (although I have had people in the past say that I am always going to be a disposable employee).

Hopefully by rebuilding my day job confidence I can just do better in my work and be able to focus at the tasks I need to get done and not have to worry about if I will still be working tomorrow.

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Feeling New Aches And Pains (or Working On More Pain Management)

Posted on June 25, 2015 | Comments Off on Feeling New Aches And Pains (or Working On More Pain Management)

I’ve gotten pretty decent at managing my hip pain. I’ve been dealing with this for almost 10 years now (this coming October will mark 10 years since I collapsed in an airport and the pain started). I have a routine with painkillers and while that has changed a bit because I need to limit narcotic painkillers on Vyvanse, I’m still pretty on top of things.

But with all my workouts plus other things in life, I’m having more pain and having trouble managing it (which in turn makes my hip pain feel worse). Some of the pain is from things that I know I need to deal with. My muscles feel sore after workouts, especially when I’m pushing it with the weights I’m using. Right now, I’m dealing with a lot of shoulder pain in my right shoulder. I’m guessing it’s a combination of my workouts and maybe sleeping weirdly.

I’m also dealing with foot/toe/ankle pain. I’m guessing that that is partly due to the increased speed on the treadmill during my workouts. But it’s also probably due to me marching in place every day to make sure I get my steps in. Walking for hours at Disneyland didn’t help that either.

The rest of the pain that I’m experiencing is stuff that I know is temporary (and somewhat out of my control). Mainly sunburn soreness and feeling sickly (which makes me achy) because of the heat wave.

I’m still working on getting my mind to think about pain differently. It’s not something to stop me and make me take a break all the time. Of course, sometimes that’s exactly what pain means. But I used to always stop when I have any pain and that would prevent me from attempting to work out.

I’m not giving myself that excuse anymore. I’ve become the master at modifying my workouts. And I just have to keep that mindset for other things. Just because my feet are sore, that doesn’t mean that I can’t get my 10,000 steps done. It just means that it might take me all day instead of being able to get them all done in the morning (and then working toward 15,000 for the rest of the day). It might hurt to type with my shoulder pain (it’s weird, but true) but I have to push through it and try to take typing breaks when I can.

I know that pain is temporary, and I just have to keep telling myself that. And most of the pain I’m feeling is because I’m working so hard on improving myself and soon I won’t feel the pain anymore with similar activities.

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Posted in Fitness, Health, Tough Stuff

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Update On My Checklist (or Working On Being Happy)

Posted on June 19, 2015 | 2 comments

At my last appointment with my therapist, he wanted me to make a happiness checklist. On that list, I was supposed to track 10 things that make me happy and check off if I did one each day.

I don’t know if he really expected me to make a checklist and check off things every day, but I have been doing just that. And I’m beyond the half way point so I figured I should update you all on how I’m doing.

Happiness Checklist

There are a few things that I pretty much do every day without fail. Every day I get 10,000 steps in and I read. Those are pretty easy for me to get done since I make sure to do my 10,000 steps every day (those Fitbit challenges really help me!) and I can’t imagine going to bed without reading. Honestly, I would read more if I could but I don’t have the time. I also blog almost every day as well as workout most days of the week, so those columns have a bunch of check marks on them as well.

Where I’m not doing as many of my happy things seem to be the social things. They are the outings, meeting friends and family, or having a meal out. I’m working on trying to do more of those things, but sometimes once I’m done with work and going to Orangetheory, I just want to put on my PJs and be lazy in my house for the evening. But on the evenings I’m not working out, I really am making more of an effort to be social when I can.

I’ve also got seeing movies on my list. This is something that I love but I don’t seem to do often enough (at least often enough for me). I did go see “Jurassic World” this week by myself and had a great time. It was a really fun movie. The only negative were the people who decided to bring their toddlers in the movie and didn’t seem to shush them (or think it was inappropriate to bring a toddler to that movie). But beyond those little annoyances, that was a fun afternoon out.

The acting column on my happiness checklist is a little empty. I chose to only mark it off if I had an audition or an actor related event. But I do do tasks related to acting every day (like self-submitting or research). I just figured I’d only count it if it was more than something I could do alone in my house.

I’ve got just about a month before my next meeting with my therapist. I will be bringing in my checklists for him to look at. Mainly because I think he will be impressed that I actually did the homework he gave me for 90 days (although my appointment is actually on day 89). But I also really am trying to take my appointments with my therapist seriously. I’m trying to not just be there to get the medication. That might have been the reason I started, but that doesn’t have to be my motivation for continuing.

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Getting Back To Better Food (or Finding My Own Balance)

Posted on June 11, 2015 | Comments Off on Getting Back To Better Food (or Finding My Own Balance)

After having so many days of “bad” food days, I knew I needed to get myself back in gear. If I didn’t, I would easily regain all the weight I had worked so hard to lose (plus some). I’ve been in this cycle for years (or decades) and I know that it won’t end on its own. I have to be proactive.

I’ve been trying to figure out what would be the best way to get back on track. I tried doing the diet plan from the cleanse again but that wasn’t working. I was feeling really sick and I couldn’t figure out what was causing it.

I also tried going back to my weekly meal prep, but whenever I did I felt like I wasn’t totally into it and found that I wasn’t satisfied with my meals. So I would eat something else (like take-out) or after my meal I would still eat something else.

I think that it is so hard for me to find a “normal” diet because I’ve never really had one. Even as a kid and teenager I had food issues. So normal is completely abnormal to me.

But I have to find my own normal. So I’ve been working on that this week. I’ve been doing research on food options and seeing what seems most likely for me to follow.

Basically, I’m back to a similar plan to the cleanse with many modifications. I’m trying to just have fruit for breakfast. I was hungry at the beginning because I’ve gotten used to bigger breakfasts (usually a waffle with peanut butter), but I’m starting to feel more comfortable just having fruit in the morning. On Mondays when I have a morning workout I might have something more substantial, but on non-workout mornings I’m good with just fruit.

Lunches are a bit more varied. I’ve had sandwiches, apples with cheese, or a microwave meal (I’m trying to stick with the more organic ones even though I know those still aren’t ideal). Basically lunch needs to be something that is quick to put together and easy to eat. And hopefully something that I can put down and continue eating later if I get a call from a customer at work.

On workout days, I sometimes have a snack after work. Usually those are pre-packaged individual serving bags of cashews. Those help keep me from feeling too hungry or light-headed during my workout.

Dinners are still a struggle. I know better options for take out that I can get if necessary, but I’m really trying to make more dinners at home (especially on nights that I’m not working out or going somewhere). I’m doing a lot of rice bowls with either beans and veggies or a veggie burger on top. Those aren’t bad options, but I’m hoping to figure out something else besides rice bowls that I like to make for dinner (and don’t make me wish I had something else).

These are baby steps in the right direction, but at least they are on the right direction. I’m hoping that I’m finally able to find a balance that works for me in the long-term and doesn’t just feel like a quick fix (like everything has in the past).

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Posted in Food, Fun Stuff, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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