Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Driving Around For No Reason (or Finding Places That Make Me Happy)

Posted on May 29, 2020 | Comments Off on Driving Around For No Reason (or Finding Places That Make Me Happy)

Before the pandemic hit, I didn’t drive my car a lot. I did drive to my workouts and random things, but I didn’t have a long commute each day or put a lot of miles on my car. I add so little mileage each year on my car (typically around 8,000 miles a year) that my insurance needed proof because they didn’t believe I was driving so few miles. This is probably extra weird since I live in LA, where everything seems to require driving.

But since the pandemic hit, I have been driving even less. I don’t go to my workouts. I don’t meet up with friends or go out to do things. I have driven to Santa Barbara once and have done some random errands, but it’s still a fraction of what I used to do. I still am doing a lot of errands through deliveries (like groceries), so I’m not even going out to do that much. I can’t remember a time that I drove so infrequently since I got a driver’s license.

And with not driving that often, there is a new car-related issue that I have to keep in mind. I need to make sure that I don’t forget to drive every so often because I don’t want the battery to die. I know if it does die, I can call AAA and they can jump the battery, but I want to avoid needing to do that. I’m sure AAA has other issues to worry about that they should focus on, and I want to help limit the exposure the truck drivers have. I don’t necessarily want to test how long I can go without driving, so I’ve been looking online at how often I should drive. Most things say at least every 2-3 weeks. So I have tried to remember to drive at least once every other week. And if I am only driving to do a quick errand, I try to drive a little before the errand just to use my car a bit more.

This week, I was coming up on 2 weeks without driving my car. I didn’t have any errands that I had to drive to or anything that would require me needing to use my car. But I needed to drive to make sure the battery didn’t die. I had debated doing different things, but I couldn’t decide on where to go. Originally, I was thinking about driving to the beach again. But now that the beaches are open, I figured it would be harder to find parking. I realized if I tried to figure out where to go before I left, I probably would not get out that day. And since I wanted to get this task done, I didn’t want to put it off. So I just got in my car and started driving.

I drove the direction I often go to do different things. I had no plan in my head about where to go, but I just drove. I thought about maybe going to a fun neighborhood and looking at houses, but that didn’t seem like fun and I didn’t know how crowded some streets might be if everyone was parked (some streets aren’t really designed for people to be parked there plus driving). I thought maybe going to Hollywood to see how empty it looked by places I love, but that also felt a bit sad so I skipped that. Then I tried to think of places that make me happy and figured out a fun place to drive to.

I don’t have to go to my union’s national/local headquarters that often, but I do go there quite a bit. And the stuff that I’m able to do when I’m in that building does make me happy. I get to be a part of amazing things or watch the union in action. So driving to the union seemed to be the perfect place to go. Plus, it was a good distance for me to drive. Since there wasn’t a lot of traffic, I got there pretty quickly. I found some parking and decided to take a silly selfie to commemorate my random driving adventure.

And after taking the photo, I got back in my car and drove home. It was nice to see something familiar that makes me happy. I was a little sad thinking about all the things we haven’t been able to do because of this pandemic, but I was also reminded of the work we are doing so we can make sure we can get back to work as quickly as possible while still being safe. And knowing that my union is working hard for all of us is inspiring. When we are able to get back to work, I know we will all be grateful for what was done.

And hopefully, soon enough, I will be able to be back inside my union’s building and won’t just have to see if from afar.

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Default ThumbnailRandom Driving Around LA (or Anything Is Entertainment) Default ThumbnailEscaping My House For A Bit (or Enjoying Some Time In My Car) Default ThumbnailA Quick Happy Hour (or Making Myself Be Social) Default ThumbnailDay Trip To San Diego (or Driving Disasters) Default ThumbnailFinding Little Things To Make Me Happy (or Shopping And Text Groups) Default ThumbnailFinding Soul Mates (or Why I’m Having A Tough Time Finding An Improv Class)

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Posted in Acting, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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Weird Feelings About Reopening Things (or I Might Just Keep Staying Home)

Posted on May 28, 2020 | Comments Off on Weird Feelings About Reopening Things (or I Might Just Keep Staying Home)

Things are starting to reopen in LA slowly. First, they opened hiking trails and beaches. You had to be using them for active things (so no lounging on the beach) and they have closed down places where the people were not maintaining proper distance or wearing masks. Now, stores are able to allow customers inside instead of just having curbside pickup. And I know the city is working toward reopening hair salons and other beauty-related things, but to only do services that can be done with the client wearing a mask. The only reason this is happening is that the daily increase in cases has been getting smaller and smaller. And that is a good thing.

But honestly, the idea that the city is starting to reopen is stressing me out a bit. There is still no cure or treatment for COVID-19. Yes, fewer people are getting it and fewer people are dying. But that is likely due to people not being around others. What is going to happen when people are out and about more? I know that they will be limiting how many people can be together inside a building, but even if it’s only 2 people and one is an asymptomatic carrier that means the other person is exposed and can pass it on to others. I know we are doing a lot to try to minimize the risk, but the risk is still there.

I have no need to go out hiking or to the beach. I don’t need to go to stores to buy anything (I’ve just been taking advantage of delivery options but might also do curbside pick up if I need something). I am still planning home for at least a little while. Since we won’t know for about 2 weeks what will happen after reopening, I want to wait it out. Nothing right now is worth me risking my health. And I’m aware that I’m in a very fortunate position, but because I am fortunate I want to stay home to also keep things safer for those who cannot do that. If people start crowding stores just because they can, then the employees there are at a higher risk. If people only go if they really need to, those employees aren’t exposed to as many people and the chance they will get sick is lower. To me, it just seems right to stay home longer for the protection of others.

And when hair salons and other beauty things reopen, I do want to go but I don’t need to go. I’ve been putting things off for a while since the shutdown happened. I’m lucky that I was able to dye my hair at home to cover the grays. And I am due for some appointments, especially those that were supposed to happen during the shutdown, I feel the same way that I do with stores. I don’t want the employees there to be at a higher risk because they have to work and I don’t have to be there. There are so many things that haven’t been determined with beauty-related appointments since they have not been approved to reopen. Maybe the policies will help guide what I want to do more. But for now, I have the same uneasy feeling that I do with the stores opening and I probably will stay at home longer.

There are some things that I do need to go out to do in the near future. I was supposed to go to a dentist’s appointment last month when things were shut down. My dentist was technically open during the shutdown, but they were only seeing emergencies. They recently reopened and reached out to me to reschedule the appointment. I’m not trying to avoid the dentist, but I also don’t want to take the risk just yet until we know how the next few weeks go with appointments there. There is no way to keep a mask on when seeing the dentist, so I feel like there is jut a higher risk. When I do schedule my appointment, I’m going to try for the first appointment of the day since that will probably be when things are the cleanest.

I don’t want to live in fear because of this virus, but there are so many things that are uncertain right now. It doesn’t feel like we fixed anything just yet because there still are people getting sick. And while I understand why things are reopening, just because they are reopening doesn’t mean I have to go there. I do want to get out of my house and do things, but I also want to stay safe and healthy. Right now, I don’t know how to make that happen. But things have changed so rapidly before so maybe they will change rapidly the other direction if things get better. I just will have to wait and see.

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Trying To Not Be Sad About Missing Things (or This Was Going To Be An Awesome Weekend)

Posted on May 15, 2020 | Comments Off on Trying To Not Be Sad About Missing Things (or This Was Going To Be An Awesome Weekend)

So many people are upset that major events in their lives are being canceled or postponed right now. I’ve had friends who have had to postpone their weddings and baby showers. I know that those in school have had their graduations and proms canceled (or only happen virtually). There are very few people who haven’t had to miss a major event that they were looking forward to.

I consider myself lucky that I have only had smaller things that have been canceled. For example, I have no clue what will happen with the rest of the season of musicals. I do know that some shows have been canceled, but others are just postponed. But postponed until when? I have been sad about missing the shows, but I know that I will appreciate them even more when they are able to come back. The next season is also still a bit of an unknown. Some of the shows that were supposed to be in it have said they might cancel their tours. But they could reschedule them at another time. So maybe they will tour in LA.

This weekend was supposed to be an amazing show weekend for me. Earlier this week, I should have seen the musical “Mean Girls”, which was a part of the season. But tomorrow, I was supposed to be seeing “Hamilton” again. My parents were going to come to LA for a fun weekend. We were going to see the show (and I was planning on taking them to Wood & Vine to dinner). We didn’t have a lot of the other things planned for the weekend, but I had talked to my mom about maybe going to Disneyland together. I’m sure we would have done some projects around my house. It would have been a great weekend. And now, obviously, there is no way for that to happen.

I don’t know when I’ll see my parents again, but I do talk to them most days on the phone. So at least this trip wasn’t my only chance to connect with them. And I know when things are safer that they will plan another visit to LA. I have no clue about what will happen with “Hamilton”. I want to hope that they will reschedule their residence in LA and there will be a chance for us to go see it together. But it did improve my mood a bit when Disney+ announced that the “Hamilton” movie was going to be released a year earlier and on Disney+ (it was supposed to be released in theaters). We are going to do a family movie night where we watch it at the same time and maybe do a video chat after. We’ve got some time to plan that out. But at least it is allowing us to have a bit of what we had been excited about still happen.

I know that there will be more things that I will be missing out on that I was looking forward to. Everyone has to deal with that now. Just the other day, the Hollywood Bowl announced that they have had to cancel their entire season. I hadn’t looked to see if they had announced their season, but I figured there would be a few shows I would want to go to. The Bowl is a tradition for me during the summer and I know so many people in LA are sad about this tradition having to be canceled for a season. But even if they didn’t cancel, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable going to a show. Maybe there will be better circumstances by the summer, but right now it’s still too scary to think about what might happen if you catch COVID-19 for me to feel ok being in a huge crowd.

Things are starting to very slowly open up again in LA. Retail stores can do curbside pickup. The beaches are opening for activities (but not for hanging out at the beach). And hopefully, with people wearing masks when they are out, we will not see a surge in cases. And if there is no surge, then more things can open up. It’s going to take a long time to get back to something even close to normal. But it’s getting there. And slowly we will be able to reschedule all of these things that we had to put off. And I’m looking forward to when that day happens. Even if it’s a year away.

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Default ThumbnailA Virtual Musical Night (or Trying To Replicate My Routine) Default ThumbnailHaving Another Lazy Weekend (or Trying Not To Feel Like I Missed Out) Default ThumbnailFeeling Like Something’s Missing (or Getting Sad In The Greeting Card Aisle) Default ThumbnailTrying To Make A 5K Plan (or Maybe This Is The Motivation I’m Missing) Default ThumbnailMore Musicals! (or Another Season At Pantages) Default ThumbnailAnd Another Season Of Musicals (or The Next Season Will Be A Bit Different)

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I Guess This Made My Life A Bit Interesting (or An Outing To Urgent Care)

Posted on May 13, 2020 | Comments Off on I Guess This Made My Life A Bit Interesting (or An Outing To Urgent Care)

Of course, right after a post where I said I have a lot of repeating days, I have something that changes things up for me. This wasn’t necessarily a good thing, but I guess any variety helps me from boredom.

I’ve had a few different autoimmune diseases for the majority of my life. I’ve been very lucky because I have never had really severe cases. One of my autoimmune diseases is about hair loss. And while I have lost a lot of hair from time to time, and even had significant bald spots, it has never been as bad as I know it could get. And while hair loss is upsetting, it’s not the worse thing I could deal with and I’m lucky that there are ways to cover it up if I did lose more of my hair.

My other autoimmune disease isn’t as simple. It causes flares and bumps on my skin (for me, it’s mainly on my upper legs). Most of the time these flares are just annoying, but sometimes they can get painful. But they tend to be pretty small so even if they hurt, they aren’t affecting too much of my body. There are a few treatment options I can try to reduce the frequency or size of these flares, but I have never been so severe that I considered doing them. Although I will say that I am considering it more now.

I had a flare appear over the weekend. I’m assuming that a lot of the flares I’m getting are due to stress right now. I’ve noticed that I’m also losing more hair than normal, so I just figured that all my autoimmune issues are reacting to the stress. But this new flare wasn’t like the ones that I’m used to. It was very deep in my skin (compared to being closer to the skin) and it was super painful. I assumed that it would get better as that is what normally happens. But on Monday, it was much worse. I felt a lump under my skin that was the size of a softball and I had a lot of redness and swelling. I have always known that my flares could cause cellulitis because I had experienced a minor case of that, but this was much worse than anything I had ever dealt with.

I really don’t want to go to the hospital for any reason right now, but after trying some of the remedies I know to try at home I knew that I had to. The size of the painful area on my leg was just increasing without stopping and I didn’t want it to turn into something much worse. I did try to do telemedicine first because I thought maybe they could just prescribe me antibiotics, but I had to be seen by a doctor. So I went off to urgent care since I couldn’t get an actual doctor’s appointment any time soon.

Fortunately, it seems like most people feel the same that I do and were avoiding the hospital. There were only 3 other people at urgent care (all suspected COVID cases go to a special section of the ER and were not near urgent care). There was still a bit of a wait because they were limiting how many people were inside urgent care and they wanted everything to be ready and clean before a new patient went in. But there was a waiting area outside in the shade so I waited out there.

Once I got inside, things were really quick for me. I was very lucky that the doctor that saw me was familiar with my autoimmune disease (I’ve encountered a lot who didn’t know anything about it) and she was able to confirm that I did have cellulitis immediately after seeing me. And as expected, she wanted me on a course of antibiotics to resolve it. She said that coming in was the right choice because this wasn’t likely to resolve on its own. It was pretty large, and if left untreated, could need IV antibiotics. I’m glad that I just have to take some pills for a week to hopefully make it go away.

I did giggle a bit when she was saying that this was very large as she measured the site being 8cm by 7cm. All that made me think is that while this did look big on my skin, the tumor in my liver was bigger! I know it’s not a perfect comparison, but it still was what my mind went to.

I was able to get my antibiotics at the hospital and started taking them on Monday evening. The doctor said I should notice a difference in a few days and I’m optimistic that it will start getting better by then. I have already noticed a small reduction in the swelling, but the pain is just as bad as it was before. But I feel better even with the same pain knowing that I got checked out and didn’t just try to wait it out and see.

Even though I was worried about going to urgent care, I will say that everyone at the hospital worked hard to make me feel safe about being there. And they were working hard to make sure all the patients were getting seen as quickly as possible. I was grateful for that because I was nervous about having to go in. But they made it as easy as possible for me. And while it wasn’t a fun adventure to my week, at least it changed things up a bit for me.

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Of Course I Have A New Injury (or Thank Goodness For Family and FaceTime)

Posted on May 5, 2020 | Comments Off on Of Course I Have A New Injury (or Thank Goodness For Family and FaceTime)

Even though I am one of the klutziest people I know, I am pretty lucky with what happens in my klutzy moments. I always seem to have new bruises popping up that I have no clue how they happened. I’ve broken my toes more times than I can count and have gotten really good at buddy taping my toes together. And more often than not, my klutzy moments only result in hurting my ego a bit.

But this past Sunday, my klutziness caused something that really made me have a moment of panic. I was preparing ingredients for my dinner (yup, cooking from scratch again). It’s something I’ve made before and I was happy that it was going to be easy to put together. I have a decent knife set, but I usually don’t use the bigger knives because the small ones work. But I was trying to cut a big onion and the small knife wasn’t doing the job. So I took one of the bigger ones out (I think I’ve used it once or twice before) and got to cutting my onion.

I don’t actually remember how it happened, but the knife slipped and went through the top of my finger. It basically sliced the top knuckle area on my middle finger. But on the top of it where it’s just skin and bone, not the bottom by the finger pad where there is more to it. And as soon as it happened, I was in a lot of pain. I quickly grabbed some paper towels and put pressure on it because it was bleeding quite a bit (although I managed to not get any blood on my ingredients). I didn’t look at the injury too much since I immediately put the paper towel on it, but I knew it wasn’t good.

After a few minutes, I realized that this cut may be worse than I thought and I was terrified that I’d need stitches. Needing stitches is never good, but now it’s especially scary since I do not want to have to go to the hospital if I can avoid it. It was bad enough to have to go to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. I do not want to have to step foot into an ER where I know there may be patients with coronavirus or other contagious things. So I called my parents.

I’m lucky with my parents and brother all being in medicine. Even though my parents are both retired, they still are great at giving medical advice and letting me know when I need more serious medical help. So when I called my mom I was trying to explain the best I could about what happened and how much my finger was bleeding. She gave me some advice about when I should worry and how long it might take for the bleeding to slow down or stop. And then we got on FaceTime so she could see the wound after I took the paper towels off. By the time I was on the phone, the bleeding was not as bad as it had been when it happened. So that’s a good sign. My mom told me to keep putting pressure on it and to check in with them in an hour or two.

I put a clean paper towel on my finger and wrapped it with some medical tape to keep a bit of pressure on it. I also needed to finish preparing dinner because I didn’t want my ingredients to go to waste. Cooking with only 1 good hand isn’t easy, but it can be done.

By the time my food was done in the oven, the bleeding had stopped. So I put a regular bandage on it and called my mom to update her. I’m sure she knew I would be fine, but it was still good for me to check in with her.

I had to figure out some creative solutions for things that evening because I wanted to protect my finger. I used gloves for a lot of things so my bandage wouldn’t get wet. And it seemed to be doing ok when I went to bed. My finger was really sore (and I could tell it would be hurting a lot for the rest of this week), but the bandage was staying on and it didn’t seem like it was bleeding anymore.

Yesterday, I had my workout and that was another challenge. Anything that required me to support myself on my hands or lift weight wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t have the ability to grip with the cut where it was. When I started my workout, I just had the bandage on there. But I realized I needed a bit more protection so I wrapped the bandage in medical tape to keep it secure. It limited my movement in my finger even more, but it helped with a lot of the pain. It also made it look like I was giving the finger no matter what.

Showering was another interesting challenge. I ended up cutting a finger off of a rubber glove and then putting medical tape around it to try to secure it. Water still got in there and I needed to change the bandage again, but it was better than if I hadn’t done anything. Because of where the cut it, the waterproof bandages don’t really stick to it. I did order some knuckle bandages that should be arriving this week, so hopefully those will help.

I’m sure this sounds silly and that I shouldn’t have needed to call my parents just because I cut myself. But it’s scary when something like that happens and you are all alone. And I really didn’t know if I needed to go to the hospital for this. If I couldn’t reach my parents, I probably would have gone because I would rather be safe than sorry. But right now, the hospital isn’t always the safest choice. I’m grateful that my mom was able to calm me down when I was scared and could help me try to fix this the best she could. I probably have a few weeks of healing ahead of me before my finger seems normal again, but at least I’m taking care of it and I know I’ll be ok.

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Unemployment Time (or I Hope This Will Help Me)

Posted on April 29, 2020 | Comments Off on Unemployment Time (or I Hope This Will Help Me)

Technically, I am not unemployed right now. But I have had my hours and income significantly cut back. For my customer service job, I am working about 10% of what I normally worked for less than 10% of what I normally make. And my other job doesn’t have enough work for me to make up the difference. I know that even making $50 a week is more than a lot of people, but I doubt there is anyone who can live on that little.

Fortunately, you can file for unemployment when you are underemployed as well. And I think I fit underemployment exactly in my current situation. It is a temporary situation, but again that’s exactly what unemployment is for. And while unemployment isn’t typically for someone self-employed (as I am with both my day jobs), there have been changes made recently during this time that allows self-employed people to file.

As soon as I knew that I would be eligible for unemployment, I felt a bit of relief. While I do have family that can help me when I’m not making money, I don’t like to have to rely on them. I want to be able to support myself. It’s a point of pride. And it’s not easy to always do it, but I will take steps I need to so I can try to make it happen.

In California, they weren’t accepting self-employed people in the unemployment system at first. They had to create a new section on how to file to fit that information. So while many of my friends have been filing for the past month, I wasn’t able to file until yesterday.

It’s been a long time since I’ve filed for unemployment. While I do remember a lot of things, there have also been things that have changed and it took me a bit of time to get everything done. I’m still not 100% sure I did it all right, but I know I will have a phone interview to discuss it coming up. So hopefully I can clarify anything that might be wrong. And it took twice as long to file as it should have because on the last page the site crashed. I knew there was a chance for it to happen since I was applying the first day that self-employed people could do so. But for some reason, I didn’t think to take screenshots of everything I filled out so I had it in case I needed it again. That was my mistake and when I did it all over for the second time, I made sure I took those screenshots.

I got a message saying that my application was successfully submitted. But I have no idea how long it will take for me to get my first check or to be approved. I know that things are taking longer than normal, which is to be expected with the number of people who are currently applying. I am lucky that right now I am not in a desperate place to get my first check. I do have savings I can use and my parents have said they could help me out. I will be ok. I might have a time where I get stressed and feel horrible that I have to ask for help, but I know I will get that help. And I know that the unemployment will kick in at some point and I will get the money from when I started being underemployed. The very first time I filed (about 13 years ago), I had an issue that prevented me from getting my checks for several months. But once it was settled, I got everything that I missed. And this will be the same since I have been underemployed for several weeks already and just couldn’t file until this week.

It was a bit of a frustrating procedure to file for a few reasons, but I also feel very lucky that I had so many friends who had already gone through it that could guide me and give me advice. Unemployment is usually a pretty lonely thing to go through, but with so many of us going through it we have a community that we can turn to for help. That was something I wasn’t expecting but made everything a little easier to deal with. I wasn’t embarrassed that I was filing because it seemed like almost everyone I know was doing the same. And those who already went through it were more than happy to share what they had learned. Hopefully from their help, my unemployment process will be a bit easier than theirs were.

I have no clue when the next steps with this process will happen, but at least I got the first step done. And eventually, I will be getting the help that I could use in this unusual time.

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Hitting Some Writer’s Block (or This Is What I Thought Would Happen)

Posted on April 24, 2020 | Comments Off on Hitting Some Writer’s Block (or This Is What I Thought Would Happen)

When the pandemic started, one of the first blog posts I wrote was about how I wasn’t sure how I would be able to keep up my blog. So much of what I write about is because I’m out doing things. But now, I’m just home. For the next week or so, I’m not even going outside for walks since I’m doing another strict voluntary quarantine after seeing my family. My biggest adventure outside is to take my trash to the curb or to walk across my driveway to do laundry. I’m glad I don’t care too much about my step count right now because they are pathetically low.

I have a little bit of a routine at least still going on. I’m only working 3 days a week for an hour, but that’s something regular. I have my workouts, even if I’m a bit flexible on what time I’m doing them. I’m still doing them in the morning, but sometimes it’s around 8 am and sometimes it’s around 10 am. But it’s a planned thing. And I have a few different groups that I do Netflix Parties with or watching other videos online together. They are usually held at the same time each week, and it’s so nice to have something like that to look forward to each week.

And I have this blog. I am still keeping up with my writing schedule. Sometimes, in the past, I would write a few blog posts at once. I would get all the posts for the week written before the week started. That usually can only happen when I know exactly what posts are going to be going out that week. There are times that my editorial calendar has been planned out for 2 weeks in advance. Those times were awesome, but that’s not at all what I have now. I do have my Monday posts planned since those are still my workout recaps. But there really isn’t much else figured out.

When I wrote that I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to keep up this blog, I was coming up with ideas on how to make a new schedule. But now that we are over a month into this, I don’t think I want to do that. I want to keep my normal blogging schedule going. I need any sense of normalcy that I can get and writing on here is one of those things. But some of the posts might end up being really short or really boring. I might not have much to write about. But I need to do it. Even if nobody reads the posts, I need it for me.

At least this writer’s block gave me something to write about today.

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Sometimes You Just Need To Cry (or It’s Ok To Not Be Ok)

Posted on April 17, 2020 | Comments Off on Sometimes You Just Need To Cry (or It’s Ok To Not Be Ok)

With everything going on in the world right now, I am proud of myself of how I have been handling things. I know that I could be doing much better, but I also know that I could be doing much worse. Since this is a new and unique situation, there is no way we can expect to be doing. Some people react to this type of stress in better ways than others. And I think that I have done lots of positive things with my stress. But I can’t be doing great all the time and I have had some really big breakdowns in the past few weeks.

I think that holding it together might be causing these breakdowns to be a bit worse than they should because I’m trying to not be upset all the time. I can usually get over some negative feelings easy and it doesn’t affect me too much. But I think that’s because those negative feelings or bad days aren’t too often. Now, I think that I have moments of negativity every day. It’s not all day every day, but every day I do have a moment that could make me spiral. And it builds up over days or weeks and leads to a breakdown.

I do think these breakdowns can be good because I need to get those feelings (and tears) out. And there are some real worries and frustrations behind those breakdowns. The first time I had one was because I was frustrated that so many of my friends couldn’t relate to how lonely I was feeling. Most of them have a significant other, kid, pet, or roommate with them. So even if they were limited who they could see, they had someone else. I don’t have anyone here and it’s very difficult to not have any in-person human interaction. I feel like I’m alone on my own planet and nobody else is here with me. I know that’s not the case and everyone else is going through this too, but it’s hard when there is nobody else here and the loneliness is much harder than I ever imagined it to be.

And the other breakdown was after I did my errands the other day. I didn’t do all the errands I would have liked to have done, but I limited myself to things that I had to do and couldn’t wait on. Even though I wasn’t doing all my errands, it was the most I had done outside my house in a month and I was so excited to do anything that wasn’t in my house. But then after I got home, I got a bit upset over how I was overjoyed to get to do the most basic things in life and how it was sad that that’s all I had to really look forward to right now. I have no clue when I can do other things that make me happy, but I know essential errands will be something I can do again in the near future. My friend tried to help me reframe my thinking and look at it as a chance to really appreciate all the simple things in life. But I kept going toward thinking how sad it was that all I had to enjoy was going to pick up medication. I’m so grateful that I was on the phone with a friend while having that breakdown because she was so patient with me and trying to help me focus my thoughts on better things. And when I got off the phone I really felt so much better.

I’m sure I’ll have more breakdowns and down moments in the future about this. Isolation and quarantine are weird situations. A friend of mine explained it so well. They said that this is so disorienting because we are experiencing a normal life and not normal life at the same time. I am still in my house. I still have a lot of my usual routine and day to day stuff. But at the same time, everything is different. It’s hard to experience both at the same time and there is no way that we could have prepared for this. All we can do is do our best. And sometimes, our best is allowing ourselves to fall apart a bit because this is scary and overwhelming. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

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Another Thing I’m Learning In Isolation (or Eating Disorder Issues)

Posted on April 10, 2020 | Comments Off on Another Thing I’m Learning In Isolation (or Eating Disorder Issues)

There are so many things that I’m learning about myself and about the world right now. Yes, there are so many sad stories happening and I have friends who have lost loved ones. But I also have never heard of so many stories about how people are helping each other and coming together. I have learned that I’m much more of an extrovert than I thought (I thought I was an introvert until this). We haven’t been doing this for that long and I expect us to have to do this for a while, so I’m sure there will be so many other things I will learn about myself and about others.

But I have also come across issues that I never thought about before that are only happening because of being in isolation. And the biggest ones for me have been with my struggle to recover from my eating disorder. First, my workouts have been so good for me with feeling better about myself. But now, I’m not able to do my workouts the way that I have gotten used to. I’m not able to work out as hard and I’m missing a lot of cardio (I’m working on fixing that, but it’s not easy). Having something that felt like it was helping removed from my life has been hard. I don’t know if I was struggling this way before joining Orangetheory because I didn’t know what I was missing. I don’t know how to get the same feeling I get in class when I don’t have others around me supporting me and pushing me. But it’s something that I have accepted would be difficult to deal with so I’m working on it.

But the biggest challenge or struggle with my eating disorder has been about food (which is usually my issue). I am not used to having this much food in my house. I don’t like it because it makes me uncomfortable. But I know I have to do things this way because I need to limit how often I go to the store. And I’m not keeping foods in my house that I usually keep because I have to find more shelf-stable things or some of the things that I like to have aren’t available or easy to find right now. If I’m craving something, I can’t always find it. And I can’t have a binge of the foods I have in my house because I need that to eat for the rest of the week.

I’m also almost feeling food insecure because of those issues. I know that I’m not actually dealing with food insecurity and that’s a real and serious issue, but that’s the best way I can describe it. I know I have food and I would be fine if I couldn’t get more for a week or two. I wouldn’t be eating anything fabulous, but I have things like pancake mix and ramen that I could have. But I don’t have things that are as familiar to me and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get those again. Going to the grocery store has been stressful, but I have been able to avoid it for the past few weeks. I’ve had both grocery delivery and a friend help me, so it’s been easier now that I haven’t had to deal with going to the store myself. I’m not feeling anxiety by the lines or by being frustrated that I can’t get the things on my list. But I’m also feeling a bit out of control when I don’t see immediately what will be something that can be purchased. It’s a weird situation where I don’t know if I can win.

I’ve seen several articles and heard some podcasts that discuss these issues and say how this is a difficult time for anyone who has had or currently has an eating disorder. Even people in recovery are finding this a challenge and knowing that has made me feel a bit better about my struggles. I’m not alone by any means in this and that is reassuring. There haven’t been a lot of suggestions on how to work through this yet because this isn’t something that people have experience with. The main thing I have heard over and over again is that people need to be gentle with themselves and know that there may be setbacks right now. And that is ok because we are dealing with something that nobody has ever been through before. If right now my recovery takes a bit of a pause, that doesn’t mean I have ruined everything that I have worked for. I can get back to what I was doing before. And maybe I will start to pick up some skills that I can use to help me soon. I don’t know yet, but I am trying to stay optimistic.

I’m sure there will be other things that come up in the coming weeks and months that will be challenges and struggles that I wasn’t expecting. Even when things start getting better, I know that they won’t be just like they were before. We all will need to ease back into normal so we can feel comfortable with not being isolated anymore. But just because things won’t go back to the way they were before immediately doesn’t mean that they will be worse. I hope that I can find a way to make things better for me in the future. And if I can’t, I will just have to keep reminding myself that this time is temporary and any issues I have with my recovery are temporary as well.

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Appreciating The Little Things (or I’m Lucky To Have Awesome Friends)

Posted on April 9, 2020 | Comments Off on Appreciating The Little Things (or I’m Lucky To Have Awesome Friends)

I want to believe that I typically appreciate the things I have in my life. I know there are some things that I take for granted, but I also am aware of how lucky I am in my life. I don’t think I have a lot of things in my life that would make others jealous, but I do have things that I know others would like and I am very grateful for those. And right now, it’s easy to forget how lucky I am sometimes because it feels like there is so much against me right now.

I have to remind myself that I’m not the only person going through isolation and that almost everyone is dealing with the same things that I am. But it’s hard to remember that when I am alone at my place and I don’t really see others struggling the same way that I am. I have been working on being more open about my struggles because maybe I am not seeing others struggle because they don’t want to share that. So by me being open, I can hopefully make someone else feel alone.

And I am lucky that I have friends who I can be open with and can turn to for help when I need it. I’m not good about asking for help, but I know right now that it’s something I need to get better at doing.

For example, I haven’t been to the grocery store in several weeks since I have been sick. I have been getting grocery delivery, but there are a few things that I either can’t get through grocery delivery or don’t want to get. For example, I needed some dried pasta and it’s not easy to tell grocery delivery that I would prefer this type of pasta but any would be fine. I could be ok with what I was able to get through delivery, but I also wanted to get a few more ingredients so I could make some more tasty and unique recipes.

So I texted my friend Liz who lives a few blocks from my house (and down the street from the grocery store) and asked her if she would mind helping me out. I told her that I wasn’t in desperate need of supplies, but if I could give her a list the next time she went to the store that it would be amazing. And she agreed right away. It wasn’t easy to ask for help, but having her agree to help with no hesitation helped me feel better about it.

She was able to get to the store earlier this week and I gave her my list. I had some things that I felt pretty certain she could find and a few that were harder. And I told her that I knew that she probably couldn’t find everything so it wasn’t a big deal if she could only get some things. And she was able to get everything for me except the 2 that I thought might be impossible to find!

Even though she lives only a few blocks from my house, I drove to her place to pick up the groceries. I had some extra alcohol that I didn’t need taking up room in my place so I brought that for her as a thank you for getting me supplies (I also paid her back for all the groceries, the alcohol was a bonus). I put that in the trunk and figured that if she put the groceries in the trunk that would keep us about 6 feet apart so that should be safe.

The grocery exchange went well and I’m going to remember using my trunk that way for any future help that I might need or if I can help others get supplies. And Liz hung out for a few minutes next to my car (but still a good distance away) and we had a quick catchup chat. It was the most in-person conversation I’ve had with a friend in weeks. Even though I’ve had phone calls and video chats, there is something so different compared to an in-person talk. I really needed to have those few minutes of feeling like I’m in the same space as another person. There really aren’t ways to do that too often right now. Hopefully, there will be some public spaces that I can have some physical distances with friends open soon. Like a park where we can all sit 6 feet apart and just hang out. I am craving those moments right now and it has made me realize how lucky I am that I typically do have those.

It was so nice to feel support from a friend in real life and not just online. I need to be reminded that I do have friends that would do that for me if it was possible. Right now, it’s just not possible unless it’s for a specific purpose. I can’t ask for help for things that are not essential (both for my health and my friends’ health). But this time is temporary and soon things will be able to be a bit more normal. And I will hopefully be able to repay the favor to friends who did help me with so many things, both in-person and virtually.

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