Posted onJune 13, 2019|Comments Off on Having Health Paranoia (or I’m Sure I Am Just Fine)
I’ve probably earned the right to be a bit paranoid about my health. I’ve had ongoing health issues most of my life. I’ve had some very random things that have come up as an adult that are now ongoing and cause problems a majority of the time. And I’ve discovered new health problems when I thought I was being checked out for a more routine one. I’ve also written on here about my body disconnect I’ve felt and I think that has made me wonder what is happening with me more often. I think that disconnect has been one of the main reasons I have a bit of paranoia now.
When I had my first gallbladder attack in a long time, I was terrified it would last forever or that it was the start of the attacks happening as often as they did before. I’m still worried that I will have another attack and any time I have even the smallest symptom that could be related to my gallbladder I brace myself for more. Fortunately, I haven’t had another attack yet, but I am still on edge and waiting to see when the next one will happen. I’m aware that I could just get my gallbladder removed and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. But that’s not a super easy surgery and there are issues I could have once my gallbladder is gone.
I try not to be too paranoid about things, but I know it’s just something that unfortunately seems to be my default setting. I’m like that with my dentist appointments. I’m always sure that I will be told that something horrible is happening with my teeth and I need to do a lot of major work. No matter how many times I am proved wrong, I still think that way.
So this week, when I started having random symptoms, my paranoia kicked in. I still don’t know what is wrong, but things have been getting better. I’ve been very tired and having some moments of being light-headed. I know that those can be because of the heat and weather changes so those symptoms alone didn’t concern me. But then I started having some odd abdominal pain. It wasn’t sharp and painful but it wasn’t as severe as the dull pain I get with my gallbladder. It was more like an annoying dull pain that would come and go.
I have learned not to try to find out what’s wrong with me by looking things up. Usually, as a woman, it will either say that I could have cancer or could be pregnant. Or it will be some very dangerous issues that can happen with your reproductive system. I guess technically there could be something wrong with my uterus, but I really doubt it (and I know I’m not pregnant and I doubt I have cancer). Nothing good can come from trying to figure out what’s wrong online so I don’t even attempt it.
If I was in extreme pain or this was lasting several days, of course I would go to the doctor to get checked out. I don’t mess around with health issues because I do know how serious they could be. And maybe if I had the same health insurance I had when I was growing up (where everything was free), I might try to get an appointment sooner. But now, I know I need to at least wait it out a few days to see if there is still something to be worried about. If I still have the same symptoms after a few days, then it is something to double check. But more often than not, these issues go away on their own and I never find out what’s wrong. I’m sure there are some aches and pains that are nothing to worry about even if they technically aren’t normal. I don’t have to worry that every little thing is going to lead to something huge. But I can’t help but worry about it ending up like that.
As far as my current health situation goes, it has been getting better each day. I still have most of the symptoms, but they aren’t as severe or as frequent. So I guess this will be just another one that goes away on its own.
Posted onJune 7, 2019|Comments Off on Another Downside To My Bad Week (or Just Doing Nothing)
I’m having a bit of writer’s block trying to figure out this post. To be totally honest, I wasn’t sure what I would write at all this week and I’m worried a bit about next week. It’s not that I don’t want to write. I really do. But I hate when I have nothing to write about. And that’s the problem I’m having right now.
Often, the posts I write are about things that happened the week prior. It’s not always like that, but I love when that happens so I can plan. And last week, besides working hard doing the various jobs I have I didn’t do much. I spent the week in pain and nauseous and I did not have motivation to do anything else. I hate when I feel like that, but it’s my reality and sometimes I just can’t deal with it. I try my best not to let that time go by without doing much, but I know that every so often I do need to escape from the world a bit and just want to sit on my couch and do nothing.
Sometimes when my friends and family don’t hear from me for a week they think I’m super busy. That’s what my parents thought when we finally had a phone call. It sucks to have to say that I wasn’t doing something fun and awesome but instead just didn’t feel comfortable enough to be on the phone and spent that time being miserable. I don’t usually share on the phone to people that I’m not feeling good because I’m not looking for pity. Sometimes I do share it when I’m hanging out in person with someone because I know that when nausea hits I don’t look ok. I just want to warn them what’s going on. And while I appreciate when people say they are sorry for me, I don’t want that feeling so I don’t share it when it’s not something I feel is needed.
Even if my friends did reach out to me last week, I don’t think I would have gone out to do anything with them. There are some months when I do feel a bit more up for trying to do something to distract myself. Sometimes I feel like there is a bit more of a pattern to my nausea so I work around it. Or for whatever reason I have extra motivation to just overcome how I’m feeling and I don’t want to let it bring me down. And unfortunately, this time it wasn’t that way and I did a lot of nothing at home.
My doing nothing (besides working like crazy) was mainly catching up on my DVR and Netflix/Hulu and doing some reading. Nothing interesting to really share with you all. And I know I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to do nothing and I have the luxury of not having to work in an office and commute when I feel so horribly. But at the same time, when I reflect back on a week and realize that it was lost to pain and nausea I can’t help but be a little upset.
I know that I could change this blog to not be every day so I don’t stress when this happens, but I still like having it as my motivation to make sure that I try to stay as active in my life as possible. And most of the time, I feel like I do have interesting and fun things to share. But every so often there is the time in my life that ends up being not interesting and filled with non-productive things that leads to posts like this one. But hopefully next week will be more interesting to make up for it.
Posted onMay 31, 2019|Comments Off on Mental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never)
May is Mental Health Month. And yes, I’m aware that today is the last day of May so it’s pretty much over. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it or not. And I realized that my indecision about it was probably a sign that I did need to write something. I’m getting it in just before it’s too late, but that’s ok. I’m still getting it done.
I’ve written about mental health on here a lot. I’ve written about my various struggles as well as the struggles of people in my life. For so long, mental health was something that wasn’t shared openly. If people were struggling, they didn’t share it because they didn’t want to be judged. Now, while there still is some stigma it is getting so much better. People know they aren’t alone in their struggles and there is no shame in asking or getting help. If someone is going to treat you badly for working on yourself, then they are the bad one and not you.
I’ve been lucky that I haven’t really had people who have treated me badly for my mental health struggles. I know that some of them have confused friends and family and I still have to explain myself. I would say my eating disorder is the thing most misunderstood or questioned in my life and I understand that. Binge eating disorder is a relatively new eating disorder when it comes to being a real diagnosis and not everyone understands that it is not just wanting to eat. I usually don’t want to eat when I have a binge episode.
The other mental health thing of mine that seems to be misunderstood is my OCD. I don’t have it the way that most people imagine it to be. I think people think of OCD as rituals or cleaning techniques. I know some people also think it has to do with personal hygiene such as washing your hands endlessly or needing to use certain products to feel ok. For me, my OCD is mainly about having things look right to me. There’s not an easy way to explain it, but I will see something that looks off and I can’t focus until I fix it. It’s not always something crooked or dirty. If my pens look like they are not in a good order for me, I have to fix it. If there is a plate of fries and there’s one that doesn’t look right, I can’t stop thinking about it until it has been eaten (which isn’t easy to make happen if it’s on someone else’s plate). I’ve had some people claim I couldn’t have OCD because I don’t act like what they expected. It’s not upsetting to me anymore that someone questions my mental health issues. It’s a little annoying and I usually feel like I have to explain how it works for me. It’s a bit of education for them and a bit of reassurance for me that I am heard and hopefully understood.
Lately, I have wondered if I’ve been struggling with mental health because I’ve been dealing with a lot of mood related things that I usually don’t go through. I’ve been much easier to upset and anger and I haven’t been holding my emotions back. But I’ve realized that these are probably not struggles as much as progress. I have been working on standing up for myself more and I think that makes things more emotional. If someone is treating me a way I know I shouldn’t be treated, I don’t let it slide anymore. I call them out and that can get me upset. That’s not a sign of a struggle. Allowing myself to let my emotions out is a good thing and can feel very cathartic at times.
I know that I am incredibly lucky when it comes to mental health. I have insurance that covers medication and doctor appointments and I have a diagnosis. That is a lot more than many people have. And I have been working on this for a while and have seen so many steps forward. I have some people in my life still at the beginning of things and they worry it will never get better or that things will turn around. But I know that for them it will get better and they will see the other side of things. I know it’s hard to believe that when you are in a dark or difficult place, but hopefully they will see things from another perspective soon.
Posted onMay 16, 2019|Comments Off on Too Many Complaints (or Trying To Get Back To Being Positive)
Lately I’ve been feeling like I have so many negative things in my life. Whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, I have a list of reasons why things aren’t easy. Sometimes it’s being nauseous, sometimes it’s random pain, and sometimes it the aftermath of things I do to stay healthy. I’m not trying to complain just to complain, I’m being honest. I’ve seen how many people just say that they are fine because they don’t want to seem like they aren’t ok. But for me, I take pride in not hiding when I’m struggling or going through a tough time.
But now, it feels like I’m struggling because I’m struggling and it’s becoming a cycle. I don’t go out of my way to complain or find negative things in my life, but they seem to become the focus without me trying. Even when I’m coming up with things to write about on here, when something in wrong in my life that seems to inspire more than when good things happen.
I know I’ve had this issue before and it usually takes me becoming aware to get out of it. Sometimes I forget that being honest doesn’t have to mean sharing everything or that it can’t include good things. And I do have lots of good things in my life that I know are just as important as any of these bad things. But just knowing it doesn’t necessarily help with getting out of this funk or feeling of negativity. It does help to have something else I can try to focus on, but it doesn’t guarantee that it will happen.
And it doesn’t help with the negative things that I’m struggling with are things that I can’t avoid. If I’m in a bad mood because of something I can change, then I can work toward a better mood by changing it. But I can’t control the pain that I’m in. I am finally almost done with dealing with my back issues and the pain is only happening at random and rare moments. But I’m still worried about doing something that will bring it back so I am still being careful. And the pain I have from the temporary crown isn’t going to necessarily go away until I get the permanent one. I tried to get the appointment for that as soon as possible, but it is dependent on when the lab can complete it so I can’t make it sooner. Neither types of pain are something that I have control over or can change just because I want to. I either have to just be in this struggle or find a new way to look at it to get through it.
I don’t have any answers to that right now. I have figured out ways to work through my hip pain or nausea with a better mindset, but that’s because those things don’t go away. I have to deal with them over and over and there is really no other choice for me but to work through. I’m not always in the best mood when dealing with it, but the constant need to do it has helped. Hopefully my back won’t become a recurring issue and I won’t need a lot of dental work coming up. So I’m not sure if I don’t know how to work through these or if I’m not motivated to do the work because I shouldn’t need it again.
I am focusing on my happiness checklist and making sure that I prioritize doing those activities. I am making sure that any plans I make don’t prevent me from doing things that I know will help my mood and put me into a more positive place. And I know doing those do help, but I’m hoping that they will be helping more and sooner since I want to get out of this funk. I am also trying to do more of those things on my checklist each day even though I know I don’t have to do them all every day. But the more good I can put into my life the better.
Hopefully putting all this in writing will help turn things around for me. Sometimes you do just need to get it out to move on. But if it isn’t enough, at least I know it’s something to work on and eventually I’ll be back to my positive self.
Posted onMay 13, 2019|Comments Off on Still Working Through The Pain (or I’m Going To Stay Positive About This)
This past week of workouts ended up being another struggle. As I mentioned last week, I did something to my back and that really threw things off for me. But at least the nausea was gone and I was ready to feel like myself again. That’s not how this past week went, but I think I did end up finding the best in the situation.
Monday’s workout was a strength day and I was ready to be back to normal with my bike work. I was feeling good (this workout was right before my back pain started) and I was excited to see what I was going to be able to do.
The cardio work did include hills, but they weren’t super high inclines. So I was keeping my bike resistance levels close to what I’m used to. We had rounds of hill work and flat road work and each round the incline/resistance level went down by 1. I started 1 level higher than my new all out level and didn’t worry about pedaling too fast. And it felt great when the resistance level was getting back down toward where I’m used to being after having such a high level earlier. When we had our all outs, since I had so much work using resistance levels I decided to have the level at my base level but I pedaled much faster. It was an interesting difference from what I’m used to doing. I don’t know if I’ll do that all the time for my all outs, but it could be something good to have as an option when I have strength days in the future.
On the rower, we had rounds of stroke count work. We started with doing 20 strokes on the rower slowly to get as many meters as possible. Then we had lunges using the medicine ball. Each time we got to the rower we went down 2 stokes. Because I was going so slow, I didn’t get that low with the stroke count. I tried to keep the stroke rate below 16 strokes a minute when with normal rowing I’m usually between 25-30. It is so hard to go that slowly, but I know that was the purpose of that workout and I’m glad I really tried to do it that way.
And on the floor we had 2 blocks and it was a lot of upper body work. The first block had bicep curls but we were balancing on one leg while doing them. That was definitely an added challenge, but I took my time and put my foot down to regain my balance when necessary. We also had tricep extensions on the straps and goblet lunges. And the second block had regular bicep curls, regular lunge, and tricep extensions using the weights. It was interesting to see how I felt between the two blocks since they were essentially the same exercises but different ways of doing them.
Wednesday’s workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power and because of my back I had to be careful with what I did. I knew that working out wasn’t going to make things worse unless I was careless in what I did in class. Every time I worked on stretching things felt better so I was hoping a workout would do the same. There wasn’t too much I had to modify which was nice, I just had to take things a bit slower.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks with a similar pattern. We started with hill work, then we had a flat road push pace, and we ended with rounds of 30 second all outs with recoveries between. For the hill work, I kept it where my push pace resistance level usually is. I didn’t want to strain too much because I was worried I would put that strain into my back. I did work hard, just not as hard as I would have done if I was feeling ok.
On the rower, we had sprint rows and we were supposed to do power jacks with a medicine ball between each row. I knew that I shouldn’t lift a weight over my head and I didn’t want to have to bend over to grab the medicine ball each time I was going to use it. So I did regular squats instead and that worked just fine for me. We also had all out rows to match with the cardio side when they had them. I was able to do a bit better with those rows because they were so short.
And on the floor, we had one long block. We had front squats with dumbbells, upright rows with dumbbells, double crunches, goblet squats, lateral raises, and swimmers. I had to modify the front squats because I couldn’t hold the weights up that high so I did them as regular squats with weights. I also had to go much lower with the weights for all the exercises. Some of the exercises did use my back so obviously I needed lighter weight for those. But even the goblet squats had to be done with a lighter weight because I just couldn’t pick up the heavier one. Considering what the workout could have been and the modifications I could have needed, I was very happy with the limited modifications I had to do.
Friday’s workout was a mix of strength and endurance work. My back was doing much better than it was on Wednesday, but I still had twinges of pain when I moved certain ways so I had to be careful with what I did and how I moved. Unfortunately, one of the ways I felt pain was when I hunched over to adjust the resistance levels on the bike so I had to be very careful with that.
The cardio work was a mix of push paces at a flat incline and push paces with hills. But because I struggled to adjust the resistance level, I just used my new base pace for the base pace moments and my old push pace for the push paces no matter if there was incline work or not as well as the all out. Limiting it to those 2 levels helped a lot because I didn’t have to adjust things that often. I know that it didn’t make the workout as hard as it should have been, but it did allow me to have very little pain while on the bike.
The rower had 2 blocks with similar patterns. We had 2 rounds of a 200 meter row, 2 rounds of a 150 meter row, and rounds of a 100 meter row. Between each row we had medicine ball exercises. For the first block we had medicine ball ground to presses and for the second block we had medicine ball front raises. But I couldn’t lift a medicine ball that way without having pain. So for both blocks I did squats with the medicine ball. It wasn’t working the same muscles we were supposed to, but the muscles we were supposed to be using were the ones that hurt. And for the rowing, I tried to keep my rows as close to my normal times as possible. I had to be very cautious doing them because I discovered doing the proper form hurt more than doing a sloppy form. So I had to be aware of my body position so I didn’t injure myself a different way by having bad form.
And the floor had a lot of upper body and core work which was a bit tough for me. We also had drop sets which ended up giving me a good chance to test out different weights to see what my body could do while hurting. The first block had drop sets with chest presses and regular sets with bear steps and arm raises. The second block had drop sets with tricep extensions with weights and then regular sets with shoulder presses and sit-ups. I did have to go lighter with my weights for the weighted work, but I was doing better than I had done on Wednesday. And the core work wasn’t as tough as I thought it would be, it was just getting into position that was hard. Getting up and down from the ground was harder than the actual exercises.
Saturday’s workout was an endurance day and fortunately my back was almost totally normal. I’m lucky that I only had to deal with the bad pain for a couple of days, but I’m also aware that if I go too hard that I could injure myself again or the little pains I have could last much longer. So I took that knowledge into my workout to make sure I didn’t do anything too crazy.
For cardio we had lots of push paces to base paces. The base pace always matched the time of the push pace before it, but the block had a lot of variety. We had 2 minute, 90 second, 1 minute, and 30 second intervals throughout the time we were doing the cardio block. We ended with a 1 minute push pace followed by a 1 minute all out. And just like on Friday, the only time I had a bit of pain on the bike was when I had to lean over to change the resistance levels. So I kept it simple like I did the day before. So all the base paces were my new base pace and all the push paces were the old push pace even if they were the shorter ones. Usually I would do the old push pace for the longer ones and the new push pace for the short ones, but it wasn’t worth it for me to worry about the adjustments as much. I did use my new all out pace at the end which helped to end on a good note.
The rowing work was 1 long block. We started with a 2 minute row and then we had medicine ball work. Then we were supposed to reduce the row by 100 meters from what we did in 2 minutes and repeat the pattern. Usually I would use an even number no matter how far I went in 2 minutes, but I decided to do the math in my head each time and do what I actually did. The medicine ball work were squats to overhead raises and calf raises. I didn’t do the overhead raise with the squats and I kept the medicine ball at my chest for the calf raises to protect my back. But I felt like I was doing work much closer to what we were supposed to do.
And the floor block ended up being one of the highlights of the workout for me. The first block was almost all work that involved stepping on the bench. Until last week, I wasn’t able to do any exercises like that and would have to do squats or lunges instead. I still had to modify the actual exercises because I can’t do stepping up and down, but I was still able to use the bench. We were supposed to do step overs with crossing the back leg, step down toe taps, and power step ups. What I did was balancing on one leg while holding the straps for all the exercises. Instead of the step overs I basically did single leg squats with crossing the back leg behind me. For the toe taps and step ups I did single leg squats with keeping the leg I wasn’t using to the side. It’s much closer to the work than what I used to do even with all the modifications. The second block was lunges with bicep curls or uppercuts and side planks, all exercises I could do. I had to be careful with the side planks while I was going from standing to the floor and back, but the actual exercise was not painful or difficult.
There was no way for me to know that this past week was going to be thrown off by my back issues. But I am so grateful that it really didn’t hurt my workouts too much. I did have new modifications to do, but I also was getting a lot of stuff done that I hadn’t been able to do until recently. I think there were more positive things about this workout than negative and that’s awesome! My back is still a little tender and I have a few moments of little pains, but I’m doing so much better and I’m optimistic the trend will continue that way.
One thing I didn’t mention in my post about going to the dentist was about how much pain I was in that day. I’m used to being in pain. It’s a reality of my life. But whenever I have pain that isn’t my normal pain, I swear it throws everything off.
This time, I was having horrible back pain. Somehow, I threw out my back. I know exactly when it happened and that couldn’t be the cause of it. I was pulling back my shower curtain after a shower when I had an intense pain on one side of my back. I could almost picture the spasms my muscle was having and it really shocked me. I have had random back pain from time to time, but I knew this was different.
I was trying to go about my day before going to the dentist, but everything was taking so much longer because I couldn’t move normally. By the time I went to the dentist, the pain wasn’t as sharp but it was still there. I was dealing with a weird dull pain that still felt like my muscles were twitching. Putting any weight on my back made it hurt worse so it was very painful to be laying in the dentist chair. I warned the staff there what was happening so they were allowing me to take breaks when I needed them so I could stretch or make the pain a bit less. But it was annoying and I’ve been trying to deal with this pain for the past few days.
With other pain I have, I know a general timeline of how long it will take to be better or what I need to do to make it stop. This time, I have no clue what to do for either. I also can’t easily use pain cream or KT tape since I can’t reach the area of my back that hurts without making it hurt worse. I’m just trying to do what I can with what I already use for pain. Stretching, using my foam roller and roller balls, and the acupressure mat are helping. I know that this injury is probably just going to take time to go away and I’m working on being gentle with myself.
I was almost laughing at myself when this happened. Throwing your back out seems like something that only happens to older people. But then again, I’m not that young and I already have issues that can potentially make my back worse. I know that with all my hip issues, I have to focus on keeping my core strong or my pelvis can get out of alignment and I know that affects my back. So maybe this injury is a result of hip issues and not old age, but I’m going to assume that it at least has a little to do with age.
From the people who I know have hurt their back this way, there’s nothing I can really do at this point besides be gentle and patient. That’s not the easiest thing for me to do, but I am noticing that things do get better each day. I can lay on my back again which is nice. So I’m trying to do that while reading instead of sitting up or laying on my stomach so that I’m not hunching over or straining my back. I’m trying to just be more aware of how different movement or positions make me feel and try not to push it too much when something is causing me pain. I know I need to push a little each day to stretch and get better, but I’m more aware now about what is good pain versus bad pain with my back. It’s so much easier for me to tell with my hips, but I have to remember that I’ve been dealing with that pain for over 13 years now so I don’t remember what it was like when it started.
And of course, this back issue had to start just after all my nausea ended so I don’t get to enjoy my non-nauseous time the way I’d like to. I’m not going to let it bring me down completely, but it does change up what I am going to do this week and next. I have to make sure that I find the balance of stretching and pushing myself and allowing myself to rest so I can get through this as quickly as possible. And doing that probably won’t involve going out too much since I want to have as much control of my environment as possible.
I already have had so many other signs that I’m getting old like having gray hair. I guess this is just another one and hopefully the last reminder of my age for a while.
I had my big dentist appointment this week. Going in for a cleaning has been getting easier, but it’s still something that stresses me out a lot. I don’t take my panic meds before going in, but I still feel some of the smaller panic attack symptoms as I go in for a cleaning appointment. And when I have my big dentist appointment where I have a teeth cleaning and the x-rays and visit with the dentist, that stressed me out even more. It doesn’t help that for a week or so before the appointment I have nightmares about my teeth.
Going in for my big appointment this time was making me feel the same panic that I expected, and I was trying to stay optimistic that everything would be fine. But I also know that due to genetics I have bad teeth and there are some things that I just can’t control with dental care. I can do everything right, and I will still need to have major work done. It sucks that I have genetically bad teeth and a fear of the dentist, but maybe they are a bit more related because I have had to have so much work done.
But this time, when I got to my dentist appointment, I had a surprise right away. My dentist actually had retired a few weeks prior! I had no clue about this and it really did surprise me. He brought on 2 new dentists (who are sisters) to run his practice and everyone else who was there before is still there. So I still have the same dental hygienist cleaning my teeth which to me is probably the most important thing since I see her 3 times a year (compared to once a year with my dentist). My nerves got better and worse after finding out my dentist retired because I still had to do my x-rays and big exam with the new dentist, but I had been told they were a little gentler than my old dentist.
My dental hygienist has been cleaning my teeth for so long that she gets my panic and anxiety. And before these big appointments she knows to warn me if there is anything that she sees that might need to have big work. This time, unfortunately, there were 2 things that she was concerned about. But we wouldn’t get an answer for sure until my x-rays were done.
After the x-rays I got to meet my new dentist and she was very nice. She also had been prepared about my anxiety issues and she was trying to be a calming person around me. I know she could tell that I was not doing well and she wanted me to have all the answers quickly and things wouldn’t be drawn out.
And my dental hygienist was right that there are 2 things that need to be worked on. I have a filling that chipped and a crown that needs to be replaced. The chipped filling is more preventative than anything because there is nothing wrong with my tooth right now. But if it’s not fixed it can get worse and a cavity could form or I could need a crown on that tooth. And the crown that needs to be replaced is due to a cavity forming right around the edge of the crown. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent this because the cavity is technically under the crown, but it was still upsetting news for me. I hate having dental work done and now I need to have 2 big things done.
The positives I guess are that both of the big things are kind of small things. The filling will be easy and the new crown should be much easier than getting the crown the first time. Since most of the work has already been done, the drilling part will be much faster. But I will still have to have needles to numb me and it will involve 2 appointments. I’ll have a temporary crown for a week before the permanent one is ready and I remember that the temporary one always felt a bit weird to me. But at least it will be over in a week.
With this new dentist, I really did want to impress her with staying calm about all this, but I can’t help how much this upset me when I saw the x-rays and they were explained to me. I did cry because it really just made me panic even more about the next appointments and how overwhelming it felt that I did everything right and I still have all this wrong with my teeth. I have friends that don’t floss and skip going to the dentist for years and have perfect teeth. I do all the preventative stuff I can at home and go 3 times a year and it isn’t enough. But even with me crying, this new dentist understood and tried to help me feel better.
I wish I could have been calmer (and more normal) at my appointment, but I guess that wasn’t what my first impression was supposed to be. And my new dentist made a great first impression on me, but I will find out very quickly if I am happy with how the major work gets done. Maybe writing that I could be happy is the wrong thing since I don’t think I will ever be happy about having major work done, but I hope that I tolerate it as well or better than I did before. And I already know that this new dentist will make the crown out of the same material so it will still look like a tooth and not be obvious.
I had all the hopes in the world that this appointment would have gone well and I wouldn’t have another dentist visit for 4 months. But now I will have appointments for the next 2 weeks and I can only hope that it goes well and I don’t have a bad panic attack for the next 2 appointments.
Posted onMay 1, 2019|Comments Off on Doing More Tracking (or Finding Out Some Data Is Just Too Emotional)
Last month, I had a goal to work on tracking a few things in my life. I knew that things were getting a bit out of control and tracking is a way to gain control again. All of the things I was planning on tracking were things I have tracked before so I figured it should be a relatively easy challenge. And of course, since I thought it would be easy it wasn’t.
It was easy for me to track my spending and income. This was a habit that I had been doing for a while and it was pretty easy to get back into it. There were a few moments where I forgot to track something or had to spend more time than I would have liked double checking things, but it’s been relatively easy. It helps that right now I have more money coming in than I’m used to so I’m not seeing everything in red. But I want to get this habit back to where it was so I’m ready when things aren’t as great.
I also wanted to do accurate tracking of my weight and food. And this is where I struggled last month. Tracking my weight wasn’t too horrible, but I’ve realized that it’s not something I want to keep up as regularly as I was. I have some big weight fluctuations due to hormones and even when I know that my weight gain isn’t real it feels that way. It’s not easy when the scale says you are up 10 pounds overnight and all your clothes don’t fit. I know that it’s due to swelling and water weight, but I still hate seeing that. I need to figure out a better way to track weight because I need to do it, but I can’t do it as often right now. I’m not sure if weekly would be right and mostly doesn’t seem often enough, so this is something I will have to play with.
And tracking my food was kind of a disaster. Food tracking is such an emotional thing for me and I thought doing tracking would help take that away a bit. But instead, it made it more emotional and I could sense my moods being affected if I had a good day or bad day. I know I do need to do some tracking, but I’m not sure how to do it without the emotional tug I was feeling. It may have just been harder for me this time because of where I am in my life and outside factors, but whatever it was I know I failed at tracking food last month.
And for this month, I have another tracking related challenge. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am not sleeping enough. I have had several days of only getting 4 hours of sleep. Part of this problem is how well I have trained myself to get up at the same time every day. Even if I go to bed really late, I’m still up at 7. If I sleep in, it’s only until 7:30 or 8 and that’s not that late if I get to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning. It’s not always that I am out late, sometimes I am in bed at a reasonable time and I stay up reading. Before I know it, it’s 2am and I’m still awake.
I know in a perfect world I would be asleep by 11pm so that I will get at least 7 hours of sleep even if I wake up in the middle of the night. That’s not totally realistic since there are some times that I’m just getting home at 11. But I think setting a goal to be in bed by midnight on those late nights and by 11:30 on not late nights isn’t too hard. And I need to set a limit on my nighttime reading to make sure that my lights are being turned off by midnight. It probably sounds weird to have to limit how much I read at night, but sometimes I just get so into a book that I forget that I need to put it down.
I think working on having a set bedtime also relates to better time management in general. I don’t have to get everything done in the evenings that I make myself do. I can save some for the next day or if I was better with how I use my time I could probably get them done during the day. Procrastination is my enemy when trying to get better about when I go to sleep.
I know that some people have alarms to remind them to go to sleep, and I’m going to look into those options. I might just add something to my daily reminders to remind me that I need to start winding down. I already have my phone and computer set to reduce the blue light I see in the evening, but I don’t have that for my tv. I know that they have blue light blocking glasses so those might be a good investment for me (I just don’t know how they would work if I was also wearing my regular glasses if I took my contacts out). I also am going to look at what parts of my evening routine I can do earlier so that it’s not a lot of self-care work at the end of the day and I’m tired.
I’m ready to not feel as tired anymore. This has been a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while but it has gotten significantly worse in the past few months. I know that getting more sleep will benefit so many aspects of my life and I can’t wait to see those benefits. And hopefully it will have some benefits I’m not expecting and my life will be even better when I’m well-rested a majority of the time.
Posted onApril 19, 2019|Comments Off on A Non-Surgery Anniversary (or Another Year Of Being A Medical Miracle)
Tomorrow will be the 2 year anniversary of when I didn’t have surgery. I know that sentence sounds really weird, but that’s exactly what it is. 2 years ago tomorrow, I was supposed to be having some of my liver tumors removed along with a portion of my liver. But because by some miracle my tumors decided to shrink on their own, that surgery didn’t happen. And I feel like that is something to celebrate!
I’ve had some things to work through mentally with all this. When my surgery was canceled, I didn’t know how to feel because this was something I had been preparing for and all of a sudden it wasn’t happening. Some people thought I was acting disappointed that I didn’t have surgery, but that’s not it. It was just an overwhelming feeling of confusion and a disconnection with things. I’ve gotten over that feeling as I have been able to identify it, but it’s still a bit of a weird spot for me.
I do also still have a little fear when I have another MRI because I don’t want to discover my tumors have decided to grow again. My next scan isn’t for another 6 months, but I’m already a little nervous because of the gallbladder attack I had recently. My surgeon and I have discussed that it’s possible my attacks stopped when my liver stopped being distorted by the tumors. That’s not something we know for sure, but it’s something we have thought is possible. So to know I just had another attack does make me a bit fearful that maybe that means my tumors are growing and making my liver misshapen again. There’s no point in me worrying about it right now, but I know that I won’t get the idea out of my head until after my next scan.
Even though I do have some weird feelings about the non-surgery anniversary, I have way more feelings that are positive about it. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the surgery even though I knew I needed it because I didn’t want to have to deal with the recovery. It would have been a very tough and potentially long recovery and I didn’t need that in my life. While your liver does regenerate so I would eventually have had a full sized liver again, during the time that it’s regrowing there are a lot of other issues that can come up. Leading up to when I was supposed to have surgery I was trying to stay optimistic about what side effects I might have, but I was also realistic. I’m so grateful I didn’t have to find out what would happen.
From the time I discovered I have liver tumors to the time my surgery was canceled was a pretty hectic time. It all happened in under 6 months and there was so much we had to do in that time to get my life prepared for such a major surgery. Once I had that out of the way, I was able to focus on things I enjoyed in my life again. I feel like this really was a turning point in my life to stop putting things off and to really work on finding what I want to do and not what I have to do. This is still something I am working on, but I know that the past 2 years have been filled with much more enjoyable stuff than the several years prior to discovering the tumors. I don’t want to say that this experience made me re-evaluate my life or make me have a new outlook on how I was spending my life, but I guess that’s kind of what it was.
I think this year celebrating not having surgery is a bit different from last year. I’m still excited about recognizing how amazing and incredible my body was to be able to shrink the tumors. But the focus this time seems to be less about not having surgery and more about the new start point of things. I don’t split my life up as before surgery and after not having surgery or anything, but I do see not having surgery as a fresh start of figuring some things out about myself. I’m not 100% where I want to be or who I want to be, but I’m significantly closer now than I was before.
I’m sure eventually one day I won’t be celebrating the non-surgery anniversary anymore, but for now I still feel like it is something to celebrate and acknowledge. It’s a big part of my recent history and has been something that changed the plan of my life. I feel like that’s important to remember.
Prior to discovering my liver tumors, gallbladder attacks weren’t that unusual for me. In fact, the hospital visit where I randomly discovered the tumors was because I thought I was having the worst gallbladder attack of my life. Once I learned about the tumors and they started to shrink, my gallbladder attacks stopped. I discussed this with my liver surgeon and we think that since my tumors were so big they might have been pressing on my gallbladder and making my attacks worse. I still have gallstones and gallbladder issues, but it’s not anything like it used to be.
My liver surgeon was going to remove my gallbladder when I was supposed to have my tumor surgery. Since that didn’t happen, he said that he would still do both surgeries if I need one or the other. So if I need my gallbladder out, he can take out whatever tumors are still seen. I do feel better that I have a good surgeon because there is a very high chance my gallbladder will come out eventually. But I am in no rush to do it and since I haven’t been having attacks I don’t think about it too much.
But last week, I had my first attack in a long time. I don’t know what food triggered it because I didn’t eat anything weird. And it wasn’t like most of the attacks that I have had in the past. I usually can tell that an attack will be coming a few hours before it hits. I hate knowing that it’s coming, but I guess it’s also nice to have a warning. My attacks usually last a few hours and there are a few tricks I’ve done over the years to help the pain feel a bit less severe and I have some breathing techniques that I’ve used too.
This attack came on very quickly. I had no warning symptoms leading up to it. It just hit me and I was in the middle of an attack before I knew it. I was having the stomach pain, the rib pain, crushing sensation in my body, and overall body sweats within a minute or two of the attack starting. It was the weirdest thing because I am not used to it happening so fast. And I haven’t had an attack in so long that it did take a bit of time for me to realize what was happening. I was scared I was having a heart attack or panic attack and couldn’t calm down. After about 10 minutes, I realized it had to be a gallbladder attack and went to lay down on my bed to try to let it pass.
Since it’s been a while since I have had an attack, I guess I forgot how horrible they are. I was in so much pain and I couldn’t believe that it was so awful. The entire attack was over in under an hour which is much faster than normal for me. So maybe the attack was a condensed attack which made everything worse. Or maybe I just forgot about them since it’s been a while. Either way, I was so grateful when it was over and I was so upset that it happened.
I have no clue if this is the start of all my issues happening again or if this was a random attack. I’m really hoping it was random because I do not want to have to worry about this again. But if they happen as often as they used to, I probably will consider surgery more seriously because there is no reason for me to be in this much pain on a regular basis if it’s easy enough to prevent. I have an MRI in October to check my tumors and they usually check my gallstones too. I’m hoping that I can at least wait until then so I can have an idea if my gallstones are worse than they used to be.
I had been so optimistic about my gallbladder for so long now because the attacks stopped. Maybe I needed the reminder that I still need to be careful and aware of my gallbladder issues and that’s what this was. I really hope that’s what it was and I heard that reminder loud and clear. I do not want to go through another attack again. I know that that’s not necessarily possible, but I at least want a very long break again before I have another one.
A Gallbladder Reminder (or Hopefully This Is A Random Event)
