Category Archives: Dating

Not Blaming Myself (or Still Learning From Online Dating)

Posted on April 27, 2018 | 3 comments

I’m so sorry there have been so many posts about online dating lately! It feels like lately my life has become a soap opera and I’m not used to dealing with all the ridiculousness I’ve encountered. And since so many things in this adventure are new to me, I’m still trying to figure out how to handle certain situations. It feels like I’m a teenager in some ways but I also know from talking to my friends that they would be reacting the same way I’ve been reacting.

Unfortunately lately I’ve had some not great situations happen to me. And it would be so easy to blame myself for what happened, but I also know that I didn’t do anything that would make that real. But it’s tough to tell myself not to feel at fault when that’s how my mind works.

One situation ended up resolving pretty well. I had a few dates with a guy and then things got awkward and our communication slowed down significantly. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but my first thought was that he obviously found out something about me that he didn’t like or he never found me attractive. My default thought is to think that there is something wrong with me that is causing someone to either not be interested or stop being interested. But once this guy and I had a chance to sit down and talk, I found out he was blaming himself for the situation too and was dealing with the same thoughts. It’s almost funny how it turned out because we were thinking the same thing and it was a relief to talk things out. We get along really well and are just now trying to figure out if we are meant to be friends or something more. But it’s nice to have that stress off my mind now.

Another situation is still making me feel like I’m to blame a little bit even though I know that can’t be truth. I’ve been seeing someone on and off for quite a while now. It was never serious or exclusive and we were open with each other about that. He knew that I had dates with other guys and I assumed he had dates with other women (although he claimed he hadn’t). I thought we were being honest with each other and that’s one of the reasons I think we were able to be on and off with each other without too much effort.

But last week, I got a message on Facebook from a random account that said this guy had a girlfriend and I should stay away from him. I didn’t know what to think and I took some time before I did anything. Eventually, I took a screenshot of the message and sent it to the guy asking if he knew who was messaging me. I wasn’t as much concerned about the girlfriend thing (although it meant he was lying to me at some point), but I didn’t know who he told about me and who had my information.

I still haven’t heard back from the guy. I’m guessing at this point that he does have a girlfriend and I called him out on it. I don’t think he had a girlfriend the entire time he and I had been on and off, but the fact that he was lying and claiming he hadn’t gone out with anyone since we met isn’t ok with me at all.

Looking back at this and writing this out, I think it’s pretty obvious that I did nothing wrong. Even he going out with other women wasn’t wrong since we had discussed that we weren’t exclusive. But somehow I blamed myself briefly for him lying. This is a ridiculous idea, but in my head I was thinking that I must have done something that made him feel like he should lie to me. But in reality, this guy is just not a nice guy and did something wrong.

I’ve gone through this blame idea or the idea that I’m not worthy of someone respecting me before. It’s something I’m working on getting over. And with this recent situation, I’m seeing progress. While the first thought in my head was trying to figure out what I did wrong, I pretty much immediately realized that was a stupid thought and I was blaming myself for someone else’s lies. I know that I did nothing wrong and didn’t deserve to be treated like this. It still hurts to know that someone who I thought respected me clearly didn’t, but I think most people would have that same reaction even if they never thought they were to blame.

I don’t expect to ever hear back from that guy and that’s fine with me. Anything he would say to me would be an excuse for his behavior and I don’t really care about that. But even though this on and off dating situation came to an end that was pretty negative, I do feel like there are some positives that came out of it. And one of the biggest positives was the progress I had in not blaming myself for someone else’s actions. I knew immediately that I deserved better than what I had and I’m not trying to figure out how to fix this situation. I’m moving on and I know that I will find someone better and more worthy of my feelings. So for being able to realize that, I am grateful.

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Posted in Dating, Tough Stuff

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Doing Some More Dating Reflection (or It’s Been An Interesting Year)

Posted on April 18, 2018 | 2 comments

About a year ago, I got back into online dating. It wasn’t the first time I had tried online dating, but from the very beginning this time was so different. Immediately, I was getting more matches and more dates than I had in the past. There are a few reasons my friends and I joke about why this could happen, but there is really no good reason I can think of. It’s ok that I can’t think of a reason because it really doesn’t matter. And when I got back into online dating, I didn’t really have a timeline of how long I’d be doing it. I know for sure I didn’t think I’d still be doing it a year later.

To be totally honest, I really hoped that I would meet someone incredible and that I wouldn’t need online dating a year later. I’ve met some great guys (and I’m still seeing a few to see if it turns into anything), but nothing significant has come out of my dating adventures. Well, I should probably rephrase that and say that no significant relationship has come out of it. But some significant things have happened to me.

As much as I hate to say that I gained confidence by being wanted, that’s something that happened to me. After being told by someone that I was not worthy of people caring about me, I do like having the validation that it’s not true. I’m not dependent on others to gain confidence, but it did help me at first. Now I’m not feeling the same need to be wanted, but it’s still nice to have.

I’ve also gained some strength in knowing what I want and not tolerating what I don’t want. In the past, I would tolerate things that I shouldn’t have to because I was scared that I would not be able to find someone better. I know that that’s not the truth for sure now and if there is something that is a deal breaker for me I don’t feel the need to see if I could put up with it and see if I could make the relationship last (or make a date turn into a relationship). While I do have a little lingering fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life, being alone forever is a better option that putting up with crap and I’m glad I’m confident in that idea now.

It hasn’t all been good. I’ve encountered more guys that I’d like to think about who are online and trying to cheat on their significant other. I’ve been getting good and figuring out those guys and I usually call them out about it. And of course there are a ton of scammers and fake accounts on all the different sites I use. Those are usually easy to figure out too, but sometimes it takes a few messages exchanged before I realize they are fake. There’s only been one faker that I feel like I wasted way too much time with, but he was a pretty good fake account. But as soon as I figured it out, I moved on. The only thing that annoyed me was the time wasted and not that he wasn’t real.

I’m still pretty active with a few different dating sites. There are 3 that I pretty much only use but I’ve got 2 others on my phone that I’ll check occasionally. And I do try to check the main 3 apps every day for at least a few minutes. I know how easy it could be to just not bother with it, but I do want to try to find someone who I really like and wants to possibly be serious with me. And as much as I don’t love online dating, I know it’s the best chance for me to meet someone these days. So I just have to keep chugging along and making an effort to put myself out there each day.

I would love it if I don’t have to celebrate 2 years (or more) of being back on online dating. I really am trying to stay hopeful that I will find a guy who becomes the person who gets me to delete all the apps. I am trying to find the fun in dating and with first dates, but they can be a bit stressful too. I just keep trying to remind myself that each new first date is a potential new chapter in the book I’m working on about my adventures in online dating. But I’d love to have the final chapter figured out so I could just move on from the first date portion of my life.

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Default ThumbnailEnjoying Valentine’s Day (or Celebrating The Love I Do Have In My Life) Default ThumbnailMore Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future) Default ThumbnailReaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures) Default ThumbnailThinking About My Relationships (or Starting My 2018 Reflection) Default ThumbnailDating And Disneyland (or Not My Post-It Day) Default ThumbnailMore Ridiculousness In Online Dating (or I Think I’ve Been Ghosted)

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Working On Some Second Chances (or Trying To Stay Open Minded)

Posted on March 27, 2018 | Comments Off on Working On Some Second Chances (or Trying To Stay Open Minded)

It’s been about a year since I really got back into online dating and it’s been a crazy year! I still don’t understand what has changed that has gotten me more dates in the past year than I ever have had, but I’m grateful for it. I know it sounds bad that I’m learning about myself through dating, but it is helping me figure things out and I’m glad for that. And lately, I’ve had the chance to work on being more open-minded because of some experiences with dates. I used to joke that I was the queen of first dates because I didn’t waste my time with a second date if I didn’t think there could be anything there. And I’ve realized now that maybe I needed to be a bit more open to possibilities.

A little while ago, I went on a date with a guy who checked off all the boxes that I should want in a guy. He was kind, he was looking for something toward being serious (I’m looking for something serious, but I’m also not trying to jump into a relationship so I’m fine with things taking time), and he was really interesting. But there just wasn’t chemistry there and I was feeling horrible about it. I should have really liked this guy and I didn’t. And the voice in the back of my head was telling me that I shouldn’t expect anything better so I should just go with it.

I know now that I do deserve someone who I want to be with, but I also know that chemistry isn’t always something that you always feel. So after some discussion with a friend, I decided to give the guy a second date because I figured that I needed to see if it was just first date awkwardness. In the end, there just wasn’t chemistry there and I felt much better saying that I didn’t think there should be a 3rd date. I still had a bit of guilt because I feel like I should have liked him, but I also know enough now to not try to force something that doesn’t feel like it’s working.

There’s another guy that I went out with at the end of last year. We had a great first date, texted for a little while after, and things just ended. I had no idea why. But we were still matched on the dating app we connected on so last week I decided to reach out that way (instead of texting). He immediately responded and we went out again. He said he never got my texts and I joked that he must have blocked my number or used a burner number with me. But when we were together I tried texting him again and for some reason my texts weren’t always appearing on his phone! He would text me and it would be fine, but only half of my texts were showing up for him. It was so weird! But I know that he wasn’t deliberately ignoring me now. And again, this was because I gave him a second chance.

Of course, I don’t give everyone a second chance. There was a guy who called me delusional for thinking I could be an actress. There was another guy who was flirting with a different woman at the bar and introduced me as his friend (and couldn’t understand why I would be upset he would do that on a date). And there was another guy who didn’t show up for our date and then tried to convince me to come to his place to meet him there (I refused because I knew that it wouldn’t lead to anything good and I wasn’t going to put myself in a risky position).

There are some times where I’m torn about if I should give someone another chance and that’s when I’m so grateful for my friends who can be amazing sounding boards for me. There was someone I was seeing for a few weeks over the summer and things fell apart. He basically disappeared and when I tried to give him another chance he disappeared again. I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore but he didn’t seem to get that. He messaged me once a month for the next few months and I always responded with telling him that things were done. It had been a few months since he messaged me, and recently he reached out to me again. I wondered if I should give him another chance, but my friend helped me realize that I had already given him multiple chances and he screwed those up. And he couldn’t seem to respect my decision to not want to see him again, so if I went out with him again I couldn’t expect respect from him in other ways.

While I am having fun with all the randomness I’ve encountered with dating and I do feel like I’m making up for lost time in a way. But I’m really hoping that sooner rather than later I meet someone who will be more than just a few dates. I do want to be in a relationship and that’s not easy to find when you do know what you want. But I’m going to try to keep being open-minded and giving guys more than one chance and hopefully that leads to something good for me soon.

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Enjoying Valentine’s Day (or Celebrating The Love I Do Have In My Life)

Posted on February 14, 2018 | Comments Off on Enjoying Valentine’s Day (or Celebrating The Love I Do Have In My Life)

I know that plenty of people hate Valentine’s Day. Either they feel like it’s a made up holiday or they feel like there is no point to it or they hate that they don’t have someone to celebrate with. And in the past I haven’t always been the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day. I’ve always been single on it and have never had a significant other to celebrate with.

And I’m still single and don’t have someone special to celebrate today with. I do feel like I’m making the best effort I have ever in the dating world with all my online dating adventures. I don’t think I’ve ever had as many dates as I’ve had in the past year. And there are a lot of idiots that I’m encountering, but fortunately there have been nice guys that I’ve met too. So the nice ones are balancing out the idiots and I’m still optimistic and hopeful that I will meet someone special. And even though I’ve been having fun with these dates, it would be nice to have met someone who can take me off of the online dating and I could build a relationship with.

But even though I don’t have romantic love, I do have so much love in my life. And to me, Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to be about celebrating romantic love. If that’s the case, I think it’s just too limiting and it does exclude others who want to celebrate the people they love.

I know that I am loved by my family. I am so lucky to have the family that I do have. My parents support me so much (including financially when I need it) and I am so grateful for that. I don’t know what I would be doing without their support. And my extended family is supportive as well and they are there if I need them. I know if something happened I could call different family members and they would be there for me and would help me out in whatever ways they could.

But to me the biggest love in my life is the love I have with my friends. I’ve always felt lucky to have the friends that I have, but I think that lately those friendships have just gotten so much stronger and that makes things even better. Part of this could be that I have been open to being a bit more dependent on my friends than I have in the past. I love being independent and not feeling like I need anyone, but I’ve learned to appreciate having people there and what benefits that brings to my life. While I never want to feel totally dependent on another person, having a little bit of dependency means that you are open and vulnerable with them. And that only brings a stronger relationship between friends.

Most of my friends are married or in relationships so they will be out tonight with their significant others. But that is bothering me much less than it has in the past. I don’t feel left out or that something is necessarily missing. In some way, my dating adventures has helped me realize everything that I do have without a relationship and I appreciate it even more. And when I do get into a relationship that person will be adding to my life and not filling a missing piece of it. That’s probably a much healthier way to have a relationship start and I have my friendships and their love to thank for that.

Obviously even though I have so much love with my friends and family, I do still want romantic love. It is something that I have been seeking even if it’s not something that necessarily feels like it is missing from my life. But having as much love as I do in my life gives me hope that when I find the right guy I will be able to get the love that I deserve from that relationship. I’ve got the best examples of loving relationships in my life and I know that one day I will have the same. Maybe I’m just crazy to be as optimistic and hopeful about things as I am, but I feel like there has been a shift in my life lately that has allowed me to be more open to romantic love but not feeling like I’m desperate for it. It’s a nice place to be in while I’m still looking for the right guy.

So whether the big love in your life is a romantic one, a friend, a family member, or even just yourself; I hope that however you are celebrating love today that you are having a wonderful time doing it!

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Posted in Celebrations, Dating, Fun Stuff

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Reflecting Back On 2017 (Kind Of Reaching My Goals)

Posted on December 29, 2017 | Comments Off on Reflecting Back On 2017 (Kind Of Reaching My Goals)

I can’t believe this is my last blog post of 2017! It seems like it wasn’t that long ago that I was writing my goals for the year. This year definitely wasn’t what I expected it to be, but that was mostly for the best. But because of things not being the way I thought they would, some of my goals didn’t end up happening the way I thought. For some goals I totally surpassed what I expected and for others they didn’t happen. But even with the non-successes (I don’t consider them failures), I learned a lot.

My first goal I had for 2017 was 181 workouts. When I set that goal, I expected to be out for a little while when I had surgery so I thought it might be a bit of a stretch. I tried to make up for the time I thought I would be missing by doing more weeks of 4 workouts a week. That ended up being my new normal which was pretty exciting. And then I didn’t have surgery so I didn’t have to take the time away that I thought I would. But that didn’t slow me down and as long as the last few days this month go as planned I will be ending the year with 196 workouts!

I was pretty shocked when I looked at my total and saw how far over my goal I had gone. I knew I was going to be doing more than I thought, but I didn’t think I’d be 15 workouts ahead of my goal. That’s pretty amazing and even if every workout wasn’t the best one, consistency is so important and I think I’ve proved to myself that I have that.

My next goal I had for the year was to get through my liver surgery as easily as possible. I’ve got a history of having an easy time with surgeries, but this was going to be the first time I would have to stay overnight at the hospital and it was a much more extreme surgery than any I’ve had before. Well, as you all probably know from all of my posts about it, I didn’t have surgery. So technically there was no way for me to accomplish this goal. But I reframed it in my mind to be more about getting through this entire situation about my liver with less stress. And I think I did accomplish that. I think that I will always be a little nervous before going in for an MRI because I don’t want the tumors to grow, but beyond that time I really don’t think about my tumors that much at all. I do think about them once a day when I do visualization, but after that I try to not focus on it.

Next was to work on my recovery and hopefully reduce my binge episodes. I’m torn on how I did on this goal. I think that I have made some big strides in my recovery and there was some time where my binges were the most infrequent they have ever been, but that didn’t last. I don’t know what I need to do to keep that momentum, but my awareness is higher than ever and I consider that a win. I think this past year I’ve also become more aware of how long this recovery journey may take and that even if it doesn’t feel like I’m taking steps forward I am. I wish that some of my progress was more obvious and the results could be seen, but I think I’ll just have to wait a bit on that. But it’s a good thing that there isn’t a deadline to be recovered.

Next was a money related goal. I wanted to reduce my debt to be at a number that I had in my head. That reduction would have been about 25% of the debt I have and would have been amazing. I didn’t quite make it to that number, but I did get my debt down about 19% which is better than I have done before. This is also after getting a major reduction in my hours at one of my jobs. I went from 12-15 hours a week to 4 which cut my income down a lot. So to be able to reduce my debt that much and re-budget my life with the reduced money coming in is a big step. I wish I could have done more, but I also know that the circumstances weren’t easy and to reduce the debt at all took a lot of work.

I also set a goal to have a new PR in my 5K race. That worked out pretty well for me since I had a new PR at the one 5K I did this year. I had that PR on the course with the hills which usually slows me down. But because I had my running intervals longer that made up for any decrease in speed I had on my hills. To PR is awesome and I’m so happy that I was able to do that. But I was sad that I only had 1 race this year and that I didn’t have another chance to try to improve on that PR. Next year will be weird because neither of the 5Ks I usually do will be happening, but at least I know that I hit my 2017 goal for my races!

And my final goal for this year was to have more fun. I think I totally succeeded in this! I had so many Disney and Universal adventures with friends. I went to a lot of fun parties and just tried to have a lot of fun with the random things of life. And even though dating can be crazy and stressful at times, I’ve been having fun with that too. It does help that I’ve been turning all the bad stories into stories for my book so whenever I have a bad date I think about how funny it will be when someone else reads it. I haven’t gotten serious about anyone yet, but to have fun with dating is something that hasn’t really been in my past before and I’m glad that’s kind of my experience now.

Overall, I think I had more wins than non-successes with my goals. I might not have achieved everything I wanted, but that’s not really what goals are about. If they were all easy to reach then I didn’t set them high enough. I need to be striving for things and not reaching my goals does motivate me to do better. Look at my workouts as an example. I missed my goal in 2016 but far surpassed it in 2017. Missing that goal last year motivated me to do even better this year.

My next few posts will all be about what I’ve got in mind for 2018. I’ve got some big goals again that I’m thinking about and I’m excited to share them next week. But for now, I guess that’s a wrap on posts for 2017! It was a great year for me and I’m so grateful for you all following me on my journey! Have an awesome NYE (and please don’t drink and drive!) and hopefully we all have an incredible start to 2018!

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Posted in Celebrations, Dating, Fitness, Food, Fun Stuff, Health, Saving

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A NaNoWriMo Update (or Maybe I Need More Dates)

Posted on November 29, 2017 | 2 comments

At the beginning of the month, I shared how I was going to participate in National Novel Writing Month. I was going to use the month to work on writing the book I planned on writing about my adventures in online dating. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed when the month started, but I figured that I didn’t have to hold myself to the daily goals of NaNoWriMo and just could work on a story every day.

I had been taking notes on the stories that I wanted to write and it seemed like it would take forever to get through it. But I felt better when I had the idea broken down into chunks and I decided that until I got started that it would continue to feel like a huge task. So I got started on the stories and fortunately they seemed to be easy to write and it didn’t take me too much time to get each story done. It was a bit fun to remember the crazy things that have happened to me. And it helped me reflect on how much I’ve grown as a person since I’ve put myself out there more and that I’m much stronger now than I was earlier this year.

I rarely worked on more than one story a day. It seemed better to focus on one a day and it allowed me to write the story and do some edits the same day. I didn’t have to spend too long working on it so it never felt like a task. But then I ran into a bit of a problem.

I ran out of stories to share! I could technically write about more horrible people, but I did try to lump in some of the smaller stories into a single story. There is no reason for me to write about each guy that called me fat or said something about how I was an item on the bucket list for types of girls they wanted to go out with. Those could be combined and that seemed to be the best thing for how the flow of the book was going.

There are still 2 stories I haven’t written. Both are guys that I’m still seeing a bit so I don’t know how things will end. And I don’t want to work on their stories too much yet because I think the tone of it will be based on what happens with them. If one of them says something horrible to me, I’ll be more suspicious of things leading up to that than I would be if things just end because they reach a natural end. One of those stories is probably going to be a longer one and the other may or may not be a longer one (it just depends on how many more dates I have with him).

But even if both of those stories are long ones, my book is pretty short. If I printed it without those stories, it’s only 50 pages long and that includes the cover and chapter page. That’s a tiny book and I know that if I ever want to do something with it the book probably needs to be longer. I have no idea if I will ever try to publish it, but I have had some screenwriter friends express interest in it to turn into a series or something else. But no matter what I do with it, I know that if I want it to be more than just something for me that I need it to be a more substantial book.

I could go back and try to expand stories. I’ve already started to do that and have gone through several edits on multiple stories. I know there is more that I can do, but I probably need to step away from it for a little bit before I can view it again with fresh eyes and new ideas.

Of course, the other idea is that I just need to go on more dates. I’m still not seeing someone seriously and unless one of the guys I’m seeing now ends up being someone who I end up being serious with (and that’s not necessarily going to be the case), I will have more dates in my future. I’ve been less active with the dating apps lately due to my schedule and the holidays. But I’m trying to get better at it again because I want to keep meeting new guys. I don’t like dating lots of different guys, but I know that I need to do that if I want to find someone to eventually marry. I don’t meet people at work (since I work from home) or in my workouts, so online dating really is the best way for me to meet new people.

Of course, if one of the guys I’m seeing now ends up being something serious, that’s fine and I’ll end the book that way. I don’t have to sell the book, but if I do I know I can always have it as a novella and it can be a short book. I don’t expect to sell this book and make a ton of money on it, so a novella is always an option.

But I don’t feel like my story is done yet. I think there are plenty of adventures still out there for me and when they do happen I know I’ll have to write them down. I’m glad I didn’t feel the pressure to stick with the NaNoWriMo targets and that this book is going to be something I continuously work on. I have what I hope will be a majority of it done so adding stories as they happen won’t feel as overwhelming to me anymore.

A year ago, I had no idea that all these adventures would happen to me. While some of them still make me mad, I know that they all happened for a reason. And I guess that reason for some of them is so I could turn the stories into a book. And one day, hopefully this will be something I can share with others and people will get some entertainment out of my adventures.

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Trying NaNoWriMo (or Kind Of Another Monthly Challenge)

Posted on November 3, 2017 | 2 comments

Even though I just shared my monthly challenge, I’ve actually found another one and this one has to be done this month. National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo) is from November 1-30 and even though I missed the beginning of it I’ve decided to see how many days this month I can do it.

I had started working on a book about online dating a while ago, but I haven’t really worked on it much since then. I’ve meant to work on it, but it just hasn’t happened. I have updated things as I’ve had new stories that I knew I wanted to have in the book, but I know that I need to start writing my stories before I forget some of the details. And doing NaNoWriMo seems to be the perfect thing to help motivate me to work on the stories.

The goal of NaNoWriMo is to write 50,000 words in 30 days. That is about 1667 words a day. I don’t really know how that will look in terms of the book I want to work on, but I think that could be some of the stories I have. I was using some old blog posts as ideas and they average about 1000 words. So doing more than a blog post isn’t going to be possible for each story I have to share, but many of them could easily be longer than that. I don’t want to have to hold myself to doing 1667 words a day because I don’t necessarily want to have to do a story and a half in a day, but it’s a good goal to have as an average.

So my idea for NaNoWriMo is to hopefully write one of my stories a day. As of right now, I don’t have 30 stories I want to share but I have to think about things and see if there are more swipe left stories (or guys that I didn’t want to meet) that I could add. There are so many guys that have started chatting with me and then said something that made me never want to talk to them again but I haven’t really thought about putting any of those stories in. All of my swipe left stories are guys that I was going to meet or there was something funny that happened. Sadly, guys that say gross things is a common thing and they don’t each deserve a story.

I have had some friends do NaNoWriMo in the past and they have worked on their books religiously and did accomplish the goal of writing a draft of their book within the month. While I would love to say that I’m going to work on the book every day, I know that it isn’t necessarily going to be possible. I have a feeling that when I’m with my family at Thanksgiving that I might be too busy between working my day job and being with family that I won’t be able to write. But I will have my laptop with me so writing will be possible if I find the time.

While I loved the idea of writing a book when it came to me, it has scared me a bit. It’s almost the same feeling I had when I started this blog and the best way to fix that was to jump right in and not think twice. With the book, since it isn’t being shared as I write I didn’t feel the same pressure to make sure I did it. But having the word count updates on NaNoWriMo should help to create that same pressure that I need to work. And hopefully the more that I work on it the less scary it is to me.

I have no clue what I’d do if I finish the book. So many friends have said I should publish it because my stories are so crazy. I don’t know if I would do that or how to do it, but it’s a fun idea. But I really just want to finish the book so that I can say it’s done and then I can figure out what to do with it. And I’m hoping that my crazy stories will be slowing down so if I have any more stories to add after it’s done that it will be a quick update. I’m guessing what I have to do right now is going to be a majority of the book and that’s a big hill to climb. But I know I can do it.

Are any of you participating in NaNoWriMo? Or have you done it in the past? I’d really love some advice on what helped you because this is a new journey for me and I know that having some tricks or tips can make this easier to accomplish.

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This Might Be A Breakthrough For Me (or Trying To Believe I’m Not Unloveable)

Posted on October 25, 2017 | Comments Off on This Might Be A Breakthrough For Me (or Trying To Believe I’m Not Unloveable)

I’ve talked about how in my past I’ve had someone who told me how I was unloveable. They tried to convince me that nobody would ever want to be with me and that anyone who claims to love me is lying to get something out of me. They tried to tell me how my friends didn’t love me and that my family was embarrassed by me. They told me the only way to change this was to stop being fat because being fat was being a 3rd class citizen. This didn’t cause my eating disorder (I had that for years before this conversation) but it didn’t help either.

As much as I wanted to not believe what they told me, I couldn’t get the idea of being unloveable out of my head. And the fact that I had really bad luck dating reinforced this and made me believe it more. I have been cheated on several times and that made me think that I wasn’t worthy of being the only person that someone wants to be with. I have tolerated not being treated the way I should be treated. And I allowed this to happy to me because I really did think that I wasn’t worthy of something better.

I know that I am worthy and lovable but it’s tough to believe that sometimes. Even with all the luck I’ve had lately with online dating, I still don’t believe that maybe someone will like me for me right now. And because of that, I have noticed that I am putting up with things that I shouldn’t have to. I am trying to be more open-minded about things, but being open-minded doesn’t have to mean lowering my standards. And I have noticed lately that I’ve been tolerating things I shouldn’t have to and I don’t want to put up with that anymore.

There is one particular guy that I’ve been seeing very casually for a little while. I hadn’t mentioned it really on here because we weren’t serious and I was still going out with other guys since I didn’t know where this would be going. I’m not a fan of casual dating because I like to know what is happening, but again I’ve been trying to be open-minded and didn’t feel like I needed to rush or push things. So we had been seeing each other on and off for a little while and it was going fine for a while.

But then things changed. He seemed to be flaking on me and then reappearing like nothing happened. I think if you are texting someone every day for a while and then you don’t text for a week or two you should probably apologize. But he didn’t and I didn’t want to push anything so I never really asked about it. I gave him another chance and he did it again. And again I thought that maybe I would give him another chance because I didn’t want to end something that was fun.

I’ve never been the person to end a relationship. Even when I was cheated on, it was more of a mutual decision than me ending things. And I’m sure that a part of the reason why I’ve never been the person to end things is because I’m terrified that the person I’m going to end things with is the last person who would want me. I don’t want to end something and risk being alone the rest of my life. I know how crazy that sounds, but that’s really how I was thinking.

But with this guy, I knew that I was pretty much done with him. I understand casual dating doesn’t mean you hear from them every day, but that doesn’t mean you can be a flake or fail to follow through with plans you have been making. So I decided to end things with him. But even though I knew that is what I wanted to do, I couldn’t get the courage to do it. I didn’t want to just send a random text to him saying that I thought we should both move on. So I waited for him to send me another text so I would have something to reply to.

It took about a week between when I had decided I wanted to text him and when he texted me next. And he texted me to ask what I was up to for the weekend and I was honest. I told him that I had fun seeing him but that I thought that this thing had run its course and ended. I was shaking when I sent the text because I couldn’t get the voices out of my head. But when he texted me back, I knew it was the right choice. Because his text back to me was something about how he was busy watching football. Not really the response I was expecting and I don’t think he actually looked at what I sent to him. About 3 hours after he responded, he responded again asking what I was doing for the weekend. And I sent my text back to him saying how I thought we shouldn’t see each other again. That was a few days ago and I haven’t gotten another text from him.

I still feel terrified that I will never find another guy to go out with, but I’m trying to keep those thoughts quiet compared to what I know is true. I am lovable and I will find someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I don’t have to tolerate something that isn’t right because of a fear of being alone.

I really feel like this was a huge breakthrough in my life to prove that I am worthy of things that I want. I don’t have to settle in any sense of my life. And I’m hoping that this breakthrough will have the potential to lead to more breakthroughs in other parts of my life where I know that I haven’t felt worthy before. I need to get that voice out of my head telling me that I don’t deserve things because that was just one person’s opinion of me and not the truth.

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Making It Through A Tough Week (or I’m Glad I’m Scheduling Some Fun)

Posted on October 20, 2017 | Comments Off on Making It Through A Tough Week (or I’m Glad I’m Scheduling Some Fun)

While I was finally feeling a bit better this week, it was a tough week for me. I’m still working on getting things back on track. The convention throws me off a bit and then being sick made things worse. I set my monthly challenge this month to be working on cleaning, but things got so much worse when I wasn’t able to do it. It’s been getting overwhelming and I’m trying to not let it get to me.

And this week was a week where I guess some people decided to be extra mean to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve it or if it was deserved, but I take it personally. Usually when customers get angry at me at my day job for not doing something I can’t do, I don’t stress. I can’t override company policies or give out information that I don’t have access to. So when people get upset with me for not doing them, I don’t mind because I know I’m not doing anything wrong. But this week, a customer decided that she was unhappy about something I did (which is a normal thing for us to do) and make a complaint on social media. Fortunately my manager knows what we go through and knows that I didn’t do the things she said I did, but it’s still tough to deal with it. Even though I’ve been working this job for a few years, I’m still in fear of being fired for something. I doubt that will happen, but my mind still goes to that place.

I also dealt with some online dating meanness. One guy did something that isn’t bugging me, but I’ve decided I don’t want to go out with him again so I’m working up my courage to tell him that. But another guy accused me of something that I know I didn’t do and was pretty horrible to me. I talked to a friend after it happened and we both think that I didn’t do anything wrong, but the words this guy screamed at me are still going through my head and I wish that I didn’t have a tiny bit of fear that they are true. I know they aren’t and that this guy has issues that I didn’t know about, but I still hate that I believe that what others say about me is true.

I am focusing on the positives with all the negativity I’ve dealt with. My work situation has been dealt with and I am going to rephrase how I say some things so customers aren’t misunderstanding me. I can see how someone could get the wrong idea if they don’t hear everything that I’m saying so I’m going to make it a bit simpler so that there is not that risk. And with the guys who have treated me badly, I’m just not going to tolerate it. I’m not going to give them another chance because I’m done with dealing with things like what they did. And I know that not putting up with stuff like that is progress. I still deal with low self-esteem, especially when it comes to dating. But I’m starting to believe that I’m worth better than what I have tolerated and that’s good (I bet my therapist would be so proud of me!).

Because this week was a bit of a low point, I’ve been making an effort to add more fun stuff into my life for the next few weeks. I’ve got some fun friend hangouts planned and a few things that I want to do. And I’m making an effort to focus on my happiness checklist stuff to add more happy things into my life. There are a few places where I’ve been slacking that I know will make me feel better and I need to work on doing those more. I’m not going to let this negative week affect me any longer. I’ve dealt with it, I’ve gotten mad about it, and I’m ready to move on. I don’t plan on dwelling on it, which is part of the reason I’m writing about it.

I’ve said that this blog is a bit of therapy for me and that’s exactly what this post is. I’m mad and I can feel my body relax and my mind calm down as I’ve been typing each word. I also like to be honest about my life on here and I don’t want to put up a front. Everything hasn’t been good for me this week and I’m not going to pretend like it was awesome. It kind of sucked, but that’s life. And I’m moving on to what I hope will be an amazing and awesome week next week.

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More Ridiculousness In Online Dating (or I Think I’ve Been Ghosted)

Posted on August 25, 2017 | 2 comments

My random online dating adventures have continued. It’s so weird right now because I’ve dated lots in the past, but this feels very different from it has before. Maybe I’m putting myself out there more. Maybe I’m realizing that I’m 34 and if I want to have a baby one day I need to start dating more seriously (and this is a big thing because I cannot use fertility treatments because of my liver tumors). Whatever the reason, this is very different from it has been in the past and that brings new and sometimes annoying situations.

I’m glad I’m having more luck with online dating. I’m having fun meeting new people and most of the time the guys I meet are good people. There are still some times that I’ve met some not-so-great guys, but if I’m getting to the point that I’m meeting them in person, usually I’ve vetted them a bit and I know they aren’t completely weird. Although there was a guy that I was supposed to meet and I technically stood him up after seeing him. He was looking very suspicious where we were supposed to meet and his photos were probably 10-15 years old. I didn’t feel comfortable meeting him and left. I messaged him after leaving and never heard back. So I’m guessing that something wasn’t right and listening to my gut was the right thing.

I’ve caught a few more cheaters recently and while those situations are horrible I’m getting better at catching them. And I’m getting smarter and taking screenshots of conversations because I have been sending them to their significant others because I feel like they should know that their guy is cheating. Most of the time they haven’t seen my messages because they are going into their filtered Facebook messages, but at least I know I’ve tried. And I’m hopeful that by calling out the guy for being a cheater (and sometimes using his significant other’s name in the conversation) that they will take a step back and hopefully not cheat on them. While I don’t have fun catching cheaters, I do take a bit of pride for being able to figure it out since that wasn’t always the case in the past.

When I share my dating stories online, it makes it seem like I only have negative experiences because that’s what I share online. But the positive ones aren’t as interesting unless it’s to say that I’ve met someone who has gotten me off of online dating. But there have been some great guys I’ve met and now dealing with another issue with modern dating.

I met a guy about a month ago. We have had a handful of dates and until recently we were texting each other every day. He was fun and I was having a good time texting him and seeing him. I didn’t know if it was going to lead to anything, but I was trying to stay open to the possibilities and let things happen. And now, I haven’t heard from him in a week. I don’t know what happened, but we were texting last week and he didn’t text me back after a question. I sent him another text this week just seeing how things are going and still no answer.

I’m not necessarily upset, more annoyed by this. I know that ghosting is a thing, but I don’t get it. If someone isn’t interested in seeing someone anymore, you should tell them. That’s what I’ve been doing with guys I’ve met that I don’t want another date with. And I’m aware that there can be reasons for someone to not text back for a week, but I also don’t care to play games. I don’t have the time for that and I’m not holding my breath for anything. If he texts me again, I’ll probably see him again because we have had fun. But I also will be cautious because I don’t want to be kept on the hook for anyone.

I’ve done online dating plenty in the past, but this is really the first time that I would consider myself ghosted. There are guys who have disappeared after the first date or before I’ve had the chance to meet them and that’s totally different. I still think that’s a stupid thing to do, but it’s way more common than disappearing after a month. But I guess I’m lucky because there are stories of people who have been ghosted after months or years of dating. And this guy was just a guy that I was seeing and we hadn’t had “the talk” of what we were. So I guess it’s more of a mini-ghosting? I have a feeling that as soon as this post goes up, I’ll hear from him or something just because timing is funny like that.  I don’t think he knows my blog, but I guess he could always google me and find it.

Despite my ghosting, I’m still optimistic and hopeful. There are other guys that I’ve met that I’ve continued to talk to. For some reason or another it hasn’t turned into anything more than just sporadic dating. And that’s fun, but I’m still hopeful to find something serious. And I have to just keep putting myself out there and taking chances for that to happen. There doesn’t seem to be another option besides that and at least I’m enjoying the ridiculousness online dating has brought to my life at times.

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