Category Archives: Dating

I know that I often write about negative things about dating or dating apps. And this is going to be another negative story. But I also want to say that it’s not all horrible and bad. But the good stories tend to not be as interesting to share. There are plenty of guys I’ve gone out with and had a nice date but it didn’t go any further. Sometimes I’m the one who declines a second date and sometimes it’s the guy. And yes, sometimes they tell me by ghosting me and that’s not fun. But for the most part, the dates I go on are either good or neutral. They are rarely really bad.

And it’s even rarer when I don’t even make it on a date and it turns out really bad. I have gotten a lot of messages that have taken a turn really quickly and they went from seeming nice to writing something really dirty or gross. And that’s annoying, but it’s easy enough to unmatch with someone and block them or report them if I feel like that’s necessary. I no longer have a lot of tolerance for messages that feel inappropriate and I’ll admit that I’m quick to unmatch. But I also don’t feel like I need to entertain someone’s bad behavior. If they seem like they made a bad joke, I might see if things change back. But I don’t have to keep giving strangers multiple chances, especially when they should be on their best behavior when they are just starting to message with me.

And then sometimes, things take a turn for the worst so quickly that I am completely shocked. And that’s what happened to me the other day.

I matched with someone new the other day. This match was on Bumble, so I had to message him first. I have a few different go-to opening lines that hopefully will start a conversation, so I asked him what question he wished someone would ask him on Bumble that he is never asked. He wrote back saying he’d like to know how his matches like to take care of others. It was a bit of an odd answer, but nothing too bad. We exchanged another message or two and then he called me. You can make voice and video calls through Bumble (which I like because I’d prefer not to give out my number until I meet someone in real life), but most people don’t make calls. This guy’s profile did mention he required a call before meeting (which I don’t require but can respect), but I wasn’t expecting him to call him so quickly.

And the call got off to a weird start. I know I was awkward. I was in the middle of doing some work around my house and not in the best headspace to talk on the phone (but I also felt weird declining the call). He said that he requires calls so I should be surprised, but I would have expected him to ask me if I could talk at the time or try to set up a good time to talk later. Then he went into what felt like a very rehearsed introduction. He said his name, what he does, how he doesn’t live in LA but is moving here soon, and a few other details about himself. He sped through saying it all so it was hard to catch everything he said, but I tried to listen. And then I told him a little about myself, but not quite as much as he shared with me.

He asked me about being an actor and joked how I was just another struggling actress in LA. I was really taken aback by that statement and said that while I might not make my living as an actor right now that I wouldn’t call myself struggling (I might consider myself that a bit, but he doesn’t need to know that). Then he asked me why I swiped right on him. Honestly, I was wondering that myself at that point. I said something like how he seemed interesting and I’m trying to give more people chances. And then I asked him why he swiped right on me.

He said he didn’t. He pays for Bumble and when you pay you can see who has already swiped right on you (I pay for this as well and have access to do the same, but I swipe through the feed too). He said that he doesn’t swipe himself, he only approves of the women who already swiped right on him. And he doesn’t look at their profiles or photos. He approves everyone and then decides if they are worthwhile when he talks to them. He went on and on about how he gets 400 matches a day and that he doesn’t have time to look at any profiles so he needs the women to explain why they are good matches to him. Basically, he wanted me to sell myself to him to try to convince him to want to date me. And I don’t need to do that.

I don’t need to be a living breathing version of my profile when someone claims they can’t waste time reading my profile. I have no interest in talking to someone who only matched with me because I swiped on them and that they have no interest in me until I prove it to him. I have nothing I owe someone or need to prove to them. If they want to date me and I want to date them, then awesome. But I’m not going to fawn all over someone just because they matched with me to get a date with them.

I’ll admit that I called this guy a few choice names before ending the call and unmatching and blocking him. I also reported him for a few things he called me that were inappropriate. From the time that he and I matched to the time that I blocked him was only 15 minutes. It felt like it was so much longer and I also couldn’t believe how much happen in that short of time. But I am grateful that I didn’t waste more time on someone who didn’t seem like a decent person.

I know that his profile got removed (I doubt I was the only one to complain about his behavior), but I have seen a new profile by him so I blocked that as well. And hopefully I’m able to block any future profiles he might create. I don’t have any desire to talk to this guy again. Even if he’s changed his ways and now acts more normal on apps, I gave him a chance and don’t feel the need to give him another chance.

And I was mad and annoyed at the time when this all happened because it is frustrating when I waste time and find out a match isn’t someone I’d really want to talk to. But it also gives me another funny and crazy story to share about my adventures in online dating. And at least others can get some entertainment out of what happens to me.

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The book I wrote about online dating has been a work in progress for a long time. I’ve written several versions of it over the past few years. And even now that I have the version and style that I want to stick with, I’ve been making edits and changes from time to time.

Most of the time, those changes are due to having new stories to add. For example, I’ve added stories about dating during a pandemic and how to make it happen. I’ve written about how I’ve been doing phone dates, video chat dates, and virtual dates with apps like Netflix Party. And I just had a story to add about the first time I was stood up for a virtual date. I was supposed to watch a movie with a new guy over Netflix Party. But when I went back to the app to message him the link for our movie, he had unmatched with me. While I don’t understand standing someone up at all, this was a new level. All he had to do was watch a movie from home with me, and he couldn’t even do that. But it was fine, I watched the movie on my own that night and it was not a big deal. It was a little annoying, but almost funny how I find new ways I am disappointed by the guys I meet on the apps.

But very rarely, I have an update on a past story that took a new twist.

At the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, I met someone on one of the apps and we started seeing each other. We didn’t go out that many times or for that long (it was under a month), but it still felt very different from other guys I had dated before. There was something comfortable and made me feel at ease when I was out with him. We seemed to be really good intellectual matches for each other. He followed through when he said he’d text me or when we made tentative plans for a date. Neither of us were scared to talk about our feelings and be very open and honest.

I really thought things were going great until he ghosted me.

Being ghosted by this guy hurt a lot. It wasn’t the first time I was ghosted (and I wouldn’t be the last), but there was something about him that made it hard for me to believe that he would be someone who would ghost. He had been so open about things before that I thought if he didn’t want to see me again, he would be open and just tell me. It didn’t help that not long after he ghosted me, the pandemic started. He was the last guy I dated before the pandemic. And when I wrote his story in my book, a lot of it was about how he ghosted me and how it hurt differently from other times I was ghosted.

But then the other day, he and I matched again on an app. I was a little shocked to match with him. I had swiped right almost out of curiosity, not expecting he would swipe right on me as well. We matched on an app where either of us could start the conversation, and I decided to wait to see if he would message me. I wondered if it was a mistake. Maybe he swiped right on everyone and then looked at his matches to be more selective (there are plenty of people who do that). But to my surprise, he messaged me pretty soon after we matched.

And he did refer to our brief past and how it was nice to see me again. So we messaged back and forth a bit before I decided to be a bit bold. I asked him if he was messaging with me just to chat or if he was interested in me again. I honestly didn’t know. And he said he was interested and asked me how I felt. I said that we had a lot to talk about, but it would be good to see him again. So we made plans to see each other the next day.

It was a bit weird to see him again. I never expected to see him again after he ghosted me, but I always told myself that I wanted to confront him if I did. I know that people say that being ghosted has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person who is the ghoster. But it’s hard to believe that at times. So I wanted to ask him why he did it. I didn’t necessarily care as much as why he didn’t want to see me again, but I wanted to know why he chose ghosting as the method.

We had some small talk when we saw each other. It was a little awkward. I could feel the elephant in the room and decided to be gutsy again and just ask. So I did. And I was blunt about it. I didn’t hold back in my question or act coy. I flat out asked, “Why did you decide that ghosting me was the best method to end things with me a year ago?”. And I wasn’t expecting a real answer from him, but I did kind of get one. Without revealing too much about what he said, he realized he wasn’t over a past relationship and tried to work on that. And then the pandemic hit so dating took a backseat. I still think he could have texted me to say something, but I also understand a bit. While this doesn’t excuse his behavior, it does explain it.

And we had a really nice time seeing each other again. We still seem to click the way we did a year ago. It seemed like we were both being honest and open with each other. And we both said that we would like to try seeing each other again. So I was hopeful that I could turn the story I had written about him into a more positive thing.

But because the plot twists never seem to end with me, it looks like he has ghosted me again. I’m still hoping maybe he will reach out and explain himself, but it’s almost been a week. No matter how busy you are, you can at least manage a simple text saying that things are busy and you can’t really respond right now. Not communicating at all isn’t something that I’m ok with or comfortable with. And if he does reach out to me again, that’s something that will have to be discussed. But I’m not expecting to hear from him again. I guess ghosting might just be his thing and not a random occurrence when it happened a year ago.

I don’t like that I sound so pessimistic, but at the same time, I don’t want to date someone that I feel so unsure about or that I have to chase down or wonder if they will contact me. I know that there could be a valid reason why this happened, but unless he tells me, I will never know. Maybe in another year, he will reach out again and try to explain himself. At least this time, I feel like I got some closure from the past ghosting, and this time it doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t want to say that I expected it, but it wasn’t as shocking.

So it’s back to the apps for more swiping and matching. And while I’d love to say that I won’t be ghosted again, I know that might not be true. But one day, I’ll find the guy who I click with, feel like I’m a good match with, who follows through, and won’t ghost me.

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Almost a year into the pandemic and I’m still trying to figure out how to date during this time. I know I don’t have to date right now, and I’m not doing much. But I also don’t want to stop completely because I know there is always a chance of meeting someone awesome. And that is something that happened to me over the summer. Talking to someone every day for a few months built a really strong bond between us. But there was just no romantic chemistry so we are going to be friends. But that’s still something good to come out of dating right now.

But there are so many negatives about dating right now. It’s not easy for sure. I miss the days where I would match with someone and be able to easily go to a bar or coffee shop to meet up in person to see if we click. I’ve always known that in-person chemistry is different from texting chemistry, but it’s so much more obvious now. I hate the idea of wasting weeks on texting with someone only to find out that we don’t click at all when we are face to face. But that’s what really has to happen right now to be safe.

Not every person feels the same safety concerns as I do. I’m still shocked how many guys I will be messaging with who either say they don’t believe in COVID or they aren’t scared of it. That makes me so much more fearful about who they are and I know I can’t take the risk of meeting them. I understand they aren’t scared, but that also probably means they aren’t isolating that much so I have to worry about every other person they have met up with. And maybe they have been dating women who don’t care either. I have never expected something exclusive with someone right away because that’s not how I date. But these days, you almost have to be exclusive when you meet for safety reasons.

I’ve had so many guys be frustrated with me because I wasn’t willing to meet up with them right away. It used to hurt to see what they wrote to me, but now I’m just happy to unmatch with them. If that is how they feel, there is no way that they were the right person for me. If we weren’t in a pandemic and we met up, we still would have had something that didn’t match up well. So I’m just saving that time. I won’t deny that it’s annoying because it is. But I also don’t feel like I’m missing out on someone when they say it.

The other odd thing about dating right now is that most dating apps have allowed anyone to set their location to be anywhere in the world. Normally, that’s something that only paying members on apps can do (if they can do it at all). But now, you can put that you are in another city/state/country and match with people there. I still have my own location settings set to be that I’m in LA and that I only want matches that are within a certain distance from me. But that still allows people who might be in France but claiming to be in LA to be in my matches. I understand that some people are just looking for pen pals or open to a long-distance relationship. But for me, I’m not on the apps for something like that. I am still trying to find my person and I don’t want them to be someone that I have no way of doing a social distant meet up with.

I still have my random silly or weird stories (like people who “forget” to mention they are married), but I haven’t had nearly as many stories as I did before. I feel like I’m matching with about the same number of people as I used to, but I’m not really getting anywhere with those matches. I’ve only met a few of them in person for socially distant dates and none of them have turned into anything more than that first date. Maybe I’ll meet someone who matches my concerns about the pandemic along with everything else and I’ll actually date them. Or maybe I won’t be able to really date until things are safe again. I don’t know which one it will be, but I know it will be one of the two. And I can’t wait until my stories are about the problems I had in the past. Those problems were annoying and bad, but at least I wasn’t worried about my health the way I am now.

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