Monthly Archives: August 2022

First Therapy Appointment At My New Home (or Seeing What Other Options Are Out There)

Posted on August 17, 2022 | Comments Off on First Therapy Appointment At My New Home (or Seeing What Other Options Are Out There)

Because I only see my therapist every 6 months or so right now, my last appointment was before my move. I knew I was going to be moving and the renovation had started when I had my last appointment, but I didn’t know when I’d be moving in and didn’t know that the renovation would take as long as it did.  Realizing that the last appointment was before I moved makes it seem like it was forever ago, but it was only 6 months ago. But a lot has changed in those 6 months.

I don’t know if this will ever change back, but my appointment with my therapist this week was another video appointment. I’m actually ok with keeping them video appointments so I don’t have to worry about taking time off of work to drive there and back. And since they are pretty basic check-in appointments, I don’t think I need to be there in person for anything.

And as always, my appointment this time went pretty smoothly. We talked a bit about my move and the renovation. I also showed off my office space a little since it’s very different on camera than what my living room looked like before. And she agreed that even if you are only moving a few blocks away as I did, moving is still very stressful and exhausting. I feel like I’m finally recovering from moving, but I also still feel like I have so much more work to do.

And I was honest with her that my food wasn’t so great during the stress of moving. I think she understood and I explained that I have been working to get things back to normal for me and not let the stress get to me the way it did during the move. I don’t have a scale right now, but I can tell with how my clothes are fitting that I’m back to what my weight was before or perhaps a bit lower. I am debating about getting a scale again because I do see the pros and cons of having one. For now, I’m ok without one and I think that’s ok since I’m using clothes to be mindful of things.

As always, the main part of my appointment was to discuss my medications. I’m good with the medication that I’m currently taking and I do feel like it still makes a difference. It’s not a miracle cure that makes everything easier for me, but it is a helpful tool. But I wanted to ask about some other medications that I’ve been hearing about more that can help as well. I know there are always new medications out there and some are weird off-label situations, but the ones I’ve been hearing about are FDA approved to help. The main downside to them is that they are medications that have to be injected. They come in injection pens, so that makes it easier, but I still hate needles no matter what and I don’t love the idea of having to give myself shots. But I’m also willing to try what is out there to see what might work.

So I brought up the new medication options out there and my therapist agrees they might help. But because they are more focused on weight loss or weight management and not treating an eating disorder, she could not prescribe it to me. It would need to come from another doctor who specializes in that. So she put in a referral for me to meet with someone in the bariatric department. I know they will probably discuss weight loss surgery with me, but I’m really not interested in surgery. I’ve heard too many negative side effects and I don’t know if there would be anything that changes my mind. But this department also deals with medications that help with weight, so whether it would be one of the medications I heard of or something else, maybe I’ll start something new soon that will help me more. As I said, I just have to try and see what works for me and this is another step to do that.

After my therapist set up the referral for me, we set my next appointment with her for 6 months from now. Maybe I’ll have some big updates or changes if the referral appointment goes well. Or maybe I’ll have progress another way in 6 months. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens and continue to try the best that I can as long as I can.

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Default ThumbnailA Super Fast Therapy Appointment (or Having Therapy On An Insanely Stressful Day) Default ThumbnailA Super Easy Therapy Appointment (or Just Doing A Check-In) Default ThumbnailAnother Quick Therapy Appointment (or Video Appointments Make Things Easy) Default ThumbnailSome More Virtual Therapy (or Trying Another Medication) Default ThumbnailAnother Normal Therapy Check-In (or It’s Still Nice This Are Easy To Get Through) Default ThumbnailAnother Pandemic Therapy Check-In (or Hanging In There)

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Unexpected Help From Having Better A/C (or Surviving Another Gallbladder Attack)

Posted on August 16, 2022 | Comments Off on Unexpected Help From Having Better A/C (or Surviving Another Gallbladder Attack)

I used to have gallbladder attacks pretty frequently. I’ve been lucky that they have decreased quite a bit and I haven’t had surgery to take it out. I was planning on having it removed when I had my liver surgery, but when that got canceled I decided not to look into still having surgery just for my gallbladder. I would have kept my liver surgery date and had my gallbladder out at that time (and have the smaller tumors removed), but I didn’t want to do a surgery if I could avoid it. And after discovering about my tumors, my attacks weren’t happening as often.

What we think happened was when my tumors were big, they were compressing other organs so my gallbladder had less space and the attacks could be triggered a lot easier. But now that my liver isn’t pressing on other things, my gallbladder is a normal size and shape and while I still have gallstones they aren’t causing attacks the way they used to. I think every follow-up MRI I’ve had included a note about having gallstones. But as long as it’s not bothering me, I’m ok for now.

I have had a few attacks in the past few years, but they really don’t happen that often and I have found that they aren’t as severe as they used to be. They are still awful and there are moments I feel like I’m dying, but instead of lasting half the day, they are usually over within an hour or two. And I do have ways I can try to manage the pain and just get through the attack.

I had a random attack over the weekend and it’s been months since my last one. I really was trying to think of the last time I had one and I couldn’t remember it. But there’s no way to forget the pain, especially when it hits again. I don’t know what caused it because I hadn’t eaten anything that should have triggered an attack. But I had all the horrible symptoms and just tried to lay down and rest so I could get through it.

One of the symptoms I have when I’m having a gallbladder attack is feeling like I’m having a heat flash or fever. It feels like I’m burning up and I can’t stop sweating. I have always had a fan next to my bed, and whenever I have had an attack I put the fan on high and have it right next to me to cool me down. But this was the first time I had an attack since living at my new place and I have central a/c instead of a little window unit. I’ve already been loving having central a/c, plus the way my condo is situated, things don’t get as hot as they did in my old place. And as I was laying on my bed with my fan next to me, I lowered the thermostat on my a/c to make sure it went on and stayed on for a bit. And as soon as the a/c started and cooled down my room, I started to feel a lot better. The pain was still really intense and I was dizzy and feeling like I would pass out (which is normal for me with a gallbladder attack), but not feeling like I’m burning up really did help. I don’t know if it was really making me feel better or just giving me something else to focus on with cold air hitting my body. But it made getting through this recent attack a lot easier.

This attack I had only lasted about an hour, which sounds like a long time when you feel like you are dying. But compared to what my attacks used to be like, this was much easier. I was able to recover from the attack pretty quickly and get a few more things done with my day instead of needing the rest of the day to recover. I did still feel weak for a few more hours, but it was much more manageable compared to what it’s been like before. I know that it could be that this attack just wasn’t as bad as others have been, but I really do think having the a/c helped me. And I never expected that to be something I could have used when I’ve been having attacks before. I knew it would be nice, but I underestimated how much it would help.

Hopefully, I won’t have another gallbladder attack for quite a while. I would love it if I only had them maybe once a year or less. I do try to eat things that I know won’t cause attacks, but I think some of the ones I have had are just random because I can’t figure out the trigger. But even if I have another one soon, at least now I figured out something else that hopefully will help me get through the attack and make it a bit more tolerable.

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Getting In Some Birthday Workouts (or Switching Up My Schedule For This Past Week)

Posted on August 15, 2022 | Comments Off on Getting In Some Birthday Workouts (or Switching Up My Schedule For This Past Week)

This past week, I got to celebrate my birthday at Orangetheory. My original plan for last week was to take my birthday off since that is usually the weekday I don’t go to work out. But I found out a coach I hadn’t seen in a while would be there for that class and I knew that I would regret not going to class more than I would regret getting up early on my birthday. So I switched up a bit of my schedule to make it work.

Monday was my normal class and it was the last class I would have as a 38-year-old. I know age is just a number and I don’t feel my age at all, but it’s still cool to see how much stronger I am now than I was in the past. Maybe having the regular workouts in my routine is keeping me young or aging me backward. This workout ended up being a 2 group class instead of a 3 group class, so I didn’t have quite as much rowing as I expected.

For cardio, we had 3 blocks. In the first block, we had rounds of a 75-second push pace, 30-second all-out, and 1-minute recovery. We did 3 rounds of that and I really worked on trying to pedal faster for the all-outs since they were short and I wasn’t pushing myself with the resistance levels more than I normally do. In the second block, the intervals changed up a bit. We had a 1-minute push pace, 30-second all-out, and 1-minute recovery. And again, my main focus was on the all-outs and going as fast as I could. And the last block had 30-second push paces, 30-second all-outs, and 1-minute recoveries. By the last block, I was getting a bit tired since I’m usually not on the bike that long, so I was at more of a normal speed and not pushing myself quite as much.

And on the floor, we also had 3 blocks and each block started with a 300-meter row before we moved on to the rest of the floor. In the first block, we had chest presses with weights, push-ups, and hip dips. In the second block, we had lunges, squats, and back extensions. And in the last block, we had sumo deadlifts, hip bridges, and bicycle crunches. I did try to go heavier with the weights since I had time to work a bit slower than I normally do. And I did go very heavy for the sumo deadlifts and hip bridges.

Tuesday’s workout was special for multiple reasons. It was my birthday class, Benzo was back as the coach (who I hadn’t seen in months), and it was a signature workout. This was the Everest workout, which isn’t one of my favorites and if it wasn’t my birthday I wouldn’t have switched my schedule to go to a class on what is normally a day off. But I knew starting off my birthday with a good workout would be the right thing to do.

For cardio, the entire block was doing the Everest workout. For Everest in a 3 group class, you have 14 minutes and every minute for the first half you go up 2% in incline until you get to the top and every minute for the second half you go down 2% in incline. For me on the bike, I changed my resistance level by 1 each time, but I didn’t start much lower than my normal base pace level. If it was a 2 group class, I would have started lower so that I didn’t get too high in the resistance levels. Everest always starts pretty normally since they are the levels I’m used to using. But once I got above what I use as an all-out level things get really tough. Once I was at the top of the hill, my legs felt like they weren’t moving that much. But I wanted to push as hard as I could go because this is also a distance challenge to see how far you can get in the workout. I didn’t pay attention to what I had done before, but when I was done and entered my distance in our tracker, I realized I got a new PR with the furthest distance I’ve done for a 3 group Everest class!

On the rower, we had 2 blocks. The first block started with a 500-meter row and then we had lunges once we were done with the row. We continued that pattern and decreased the row by 100 meters each time. And in the second block, we started at 100-meters and increased by 100 meters each time. We had the same lunges between the rows in the second block as well.

And on the floor, we also had 2 blocks. And most of the exercises in both blocks had a rep range we could use so we could try going heavier with the weights than we normally do. We had single-arm low rows, overhead tricep extensions, single-arm reverse flys, and hammer curls that had rep ranges. In the first block, we also had side planks without a rep range. In the second block, we had crunches without a rep range. I did try going heavy with the weights since I could do the lower amount of reps, and I think I did pretty great.

And of course, I had to take a post-workout birthday photo!

Since I worked out on Tuesday, I skipped Wednesday and then continued my workouts for the week on Thursday. I don’t know what happened, but it seemed like everyone on Thursday struggled to sleep. This wasn’t just with people at the workout, all my friends were saying similar things too. So I was dragging just a bit in the workout. Thursday’s workout had 2 blocks for each section of the room, and I just tried my best.

For cardio, both blocks started with push paces and then we focused on all-outs for the rest of the block. The first block started with a 90-second push pace followed by a 1-minute base pace. Then we had 3 rounds of a 1-minute all-out and 30-second recovery. Only having 30 seconds to recover isn’t a lot and it almost felt like endless all-outs. In the second block, we started the same way with the push pace and base pace. Then we had 3 rounds of a 45-second all-out and 45-second recovery. This was a bit easier to do since the all-out was shorter and the recovery was longer. But it was still a lot of all-outs to do in one day.

On the rower, both blocks were all about doing 400-meter rows. In the first block, we had lunges between each row, and in the second block, we had rainbows with the medicine ball between each row. A 400-meter row isn’t a really long row, but it’s also not a sprint so I did have to work on pacing myself so I didn’t burn out too quickly each time.

And on the floor, both blocks had 3 exercises. In the first block, we had reciprocating rows with weights, bicep curls, and lateral step downs with toe taps. I did do the step downs instead of switching to lunges, but I made the bench shorter so I didn’t have to step down quite as much and I did balance by holding onto the wall. But I still think that’s better than not trying to do those at all. And in the second block, we had bicycle presses, tricep extensions, and hip bridges.

And I finished up my workout week on Friday like I normally do. I was a bit less tired on Friday, so I felt like I could push myself a bit more than I did on Thursday.

For cardio, for both blocks we timed ourselves and we had distance challenges. For both blocks, the treadmills had a .25-mile challenge, and I had a 1-mile challenge. In the first block, we started with 2% more incline/resistance than we normally do and after completing the distance we had 30-seconds to recover. Then we went down 1% in incline/resistance and repeated the pattern for a total of 3 rounds. In the second block, we had the same distance and recovery, but we didn’t use extra incline/resistance levels so we could really push with the speed. I noticed a difference between each block and how easily I could complete the distance and how I felt in my recovery.

On the rower, the first block had 200-meter rows. I tried to sprint as best as I could, but I know I need to work more on my rowing form again. Between each row, we had in and out hops. And in the second block, we had 150-meter rows. Again, I tried to sprint them as best as I could, but I know my form is holding me back. And between each row, we had high knees.

On the floor, we had 2 exercises for each block. The first block had split squats (which I did as lunges) and hip bridges using the bench so there is a bigger range of motion. And in the second block, we had chest flys and single-arm high rows. And to finish out the workout, for the last 45-seconds on the floor we were doing push-ups.

Overall, I think I had a pretty great birthday workout week. I was feeling good, which honestly makes the week so much better. I tried to push myself when I could, and I got an unexpected PR. I don’t think I could have asked for a better way to kick off being 39!

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An Unexpected Digital Cleanup (or Finally Getting A New Kindle)

Posted on August 12, 2022 | Comments Off on An Unexpected Digital Cleanup (or Finally Getting A New Kindle)

In June, I made my monthly challenge all about cleaning up my digital clutter. One of the things I never considered decluttering or organizing was my Kindle. I have a lot of e-books and the way I’ve organized them before was by author or book series. And I had no need to change that or go through the books I have and get rid of any. There are so many books I have gotten that I haven’t read in a while or that I haven’t read at all (I like to stock up when there are free e-book sales), but that was fine since I always had enough memory.

But like with so much of the technology I own, I used my Kindle until it was starting to really die and become unusable. My Kindle was almost 9 years old and was not holding a charge for more than a day or two and it could take 15-30 seconds to turn a page. So I knew it was time to finally upgrade and get a new one.

Fortunately, when my Kindle was dying it was about to be Prime Days so I knew I’d be able to get at least a little discount on a new one. I knew I wanted to get a new Paperwhite since that’s what I had before. And I didn’t want anything too crazy or fancy. I only use it to read on. But I do like buying the one that doesn’t put ads on the lock screen, so that is a little extra. I was looking at the different storage options, but then I realized how little storage there was on my old one, so I would be fine with whichever I ordered. So I got a little bit off of the one I ordered and because so many people were ordering Kindles that day, it was backordered and I had to wait over a month for it to get here.

But it did arrive just before my birthday and I was able to get it set up.

But I didn’t realize that I hadn’t updated the software on my old one so the new one looked very different. The way collections were done wasn’t what I was used to and I figured out quickly that I would need to make some changes to how I was used to organizing things.

And as I was figuring out what I wanted to do, I was looking at the books I had and noticed I was missing quite a few. And then it hit me, a lot of books I owned were originally for my Sony e-reader and I had to convert them to work for my old Kindle. But I had no way to convert them again since I didn’t have the original files. So I lost quite a few books when I got a new one.

After I worked on setting up new collections (which are now split into books I’ve read, books I need to read, library loans, books from Kindle Unlimited, and categories like that), I went through my old and new Kindles together and took some notes on what books I was missing. I started a new list on Amazon for e-books I was missing and that I wanted to rebuy when they were on sale. Most of these are books that are a part of a series where some of them made it onto my new Kindle and others did not. But as I was doing this, I also had to think about what books I really cared to get again.

E-books can get expensive which is why I usually get them from the library or Kindle Unlimited now. I don’t remember the last book that I paid for. Even though I do pay for the Kindle Unlimited subscription, I don’t consider those books I bought. And I only think of buying a book if it’s an author I really want to support and that I know I will want to read that book over and over again. It is a good thing I’m not spending money on e-books the way I used to, but it is weird to see how many I bought when I had my Sony e-reader compared to what came over to the new Kindle.

Doing a cleanup of books doesn’t really happen that often for me. I have done cleanups of physical books I own since those take up space, but I don’t think I’ve ever done a cleanup of the digital ones. And while I don’t love that I probably lost a hundred or so books, I know that I can rebuy the ones I really want and it’s ok to not have the ones I rarely read or didn’t worry about losing. It’s a fresh start with the new Kindle, and I know that I’ll be getting a lot of use out of it and will be reading hundreds or thousands of books on it!

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Default ThumbnailSo Much Reading (or Really Taking Advantage Of The Library) Default ThumbnailRevisiting Old Characters and Stories (Or A Journey Of Re-Reading Books) Default ThumbnailAppreciating Some Laziness (or Finally Having Time To Play Catchup) Default ThumbnailHaving A Book Nerd Moment (or The Little Things That Make Me Smile) Default ThumbnailFirst Monthly Challenge Of The Year (or Setting Up For The Year And Self-Improvement) Default ThumbnailDoing A Digital Cleanup Too (or Cutting Back On Some Entertainment)

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Getting Unexpected Closure (or A New Perspective On Dating)

Posted on August 11, 2022 | Comments Off on Getting Unexpected Closure (or A New Perspective On Dating)

I just wrote about how someone from my past was chatting with me again. This happens from time to time, but rarely does it lead to anything. I try to be open-minded and give people second chances if they didn’t do anything that hurt me, but it’s not always easy. I haven’t always allowed someone that second chance if I see behaviors from the past happening again or if I realize that I just don’t have the same interest in them again as I did before. It’s tough to tell someone that you just don’t want to try again, especially with some of my anxiety around dating. But I’m getting better about doing that for myself.

I can only think of one other person that I gave a real second chance. And after I did that, he ended up ghosting me again and it showed me that he was not the person I hoped he would be. And while it did hurt when he ghosted me the second time, it felt very different than the first time. It hurt less and somehow it felt more settled and I was at ease. I couldn’t figure out how to put words to my feelings, but I finally figured it out after this past weekend.

I gave the guy I mentioned last week another chance and saw him this past weekend. There were a lot of things we needed to talk about because we hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years. There were misunderstandings from our past that we never discussed with each other. And I was very hesitant to see him because I didn’t know if he could be the type of guy that I am looking for. But I wanted to hear what he had to say, and I think we did have a good discussion about what a future could be.

In the past, I did play cool and was scared of scaring someone off if I came off too strong. I don’t know if it’s age or experience, but I don’t care if I scare someone off anymore. I’m not trying to rush anything, but I’m also not scared to say what I want long-term. I’m not avoiding the question or just saying that I don’t know what I want. I do know and I’m looking for someone who wants the same. And with this guy before, I wasn’t always just playing cool but there was some confusion about what I wanted. And I might not have been as clear to him at the end as I should have been. But this time, we were both very clear about what we wanted and what a relationship would look like to us. It was a really good conversation and some of the things we discussed were things I never really have talked about with other guys I’ve dated. So I was happy where things left off because I said exactly what I would need from him to be ok pursuing something further.

And I really don’t know if he could be the guy that I need. I think he is still uncertain about some things for his future and how he sees dating. I told him that he knows exactly where I stand and what I need, so it’s up to him if he wants things to move forward. I don’t want to have to force someone to make plans with me. I know he wants to see me again, but I’m not someone’s backup plan or just waiting for when they tell me they are free so I can drop everything to see them. I want plans. I don’t need to be someone’s first priority in life, but I should be a bit of a priority. And I don’t know if he is willing to plan things in advance since before he preferred to make plans only a few hours in advance.

Before I saw him again this past weekend, I had a lot of “what if” questions in my head. We didn’t end because of anything bad, it just fizzled out when we were looking for different things. And I always wondered if there could have been more. And now looking back at that time, I think I wondered that because I was never upfront and honest about what I wanted or how I like to date. I was letting others dictate how dating looked and just went along with it instead of asking for what I felt it could be.

And now, I feel so much more settled about how things left off. I might see him again and I might not. But I’m not wondering anymore because I was very clear with him about my feelings and I didn’t hold anything back. And as I was thinking back on this past weekend and the guy last year who I gave another chance, I realized what the feeling was getting after seeing these guys again was closure.

I know that you can’t necessarily get closure on a past relationship. There are ways to get a bit of closure, but there are usually things left unsaid or unanswered. But the closure I got last year and this past weekend wasn’t from the guys I saw. This was the closure I got from my past self who was scared to stand up for herself. I got closure from the past when I didn’t do what I should have done the first time. I have closure about wondering if these guys could be the guys I would need in my life without wondering if I gave them the chance to rise to that expectation. I wasn’t looking for closure with either of them, but it appears that’s what I got and probably what I needed.

Even if I continue to see the guy from this past weekend, I still got closure on our past and that would allow us to move forward. I know I’m a different person than I was 5 years ago and wouldn’t want to be judged based on my past self. And I shouldn’t be judging him on his past self. I can still expect and want something different from before, but I shouldn’t be judging the past and assuming he couldn’t be different now. He would still have to show me some things that prove he has changed, but I’m looking at it as asking someone new if they could be that type of person.

I never really understood how my past was so unfinished and I know I can’t change the past. But I guess I found a way to finally close the chapter from years ago and potentially start a new chapter with someone. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens with him. But I do know that if we don’t move forward, I finally feel like I have made myself heard in a past relationship and that is a powerful feeling.

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A Very Chill and Low-Key Birthday (or Being Ok With Not Doing Much)

Posted on August 10, 2022 | Comments Off on A Very Chill and Low-Key Birthday (or Being Ok With Not Doing Much)

This is going to be a bit of a shorter post. But I first wanted to say thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday. I really appreciated each and every message, text, comment, and phone call I got and it made my birthday feel special.

As I expected, my birthday was a pretty low-key day. I had my workout, then a full day of work, and I ended up ordering in so I didn’t have to cook and could have something a bit nicer for dinner. And all I did after work was have dinner and catch up on tv. And while it would have been nice to spend the day with other people or doing something really fun, it was totally fine with me to not do much.

Obviously, since it was a work day and I didn’t want to take a day off (nor could I really due to some meetings), I knew most of my day would be filled with work. And I don’t always have a ton of energy after work so I tend to be pretty lazy at home on weeknights. And I didn’t want to do anything crazy when I knew I’d be tired from work. If I’m going to go out and celebrate, I want to make sure I feel up for it and can really enjoy it.

I remember hearing when I was younger how you stop caring about birthdays when you get older. And I don’t know if that’s really the case for me. But I’m not as particular about when I might celebrate or doing something that isn’t as elaborate or crazy. I care but in different ways. And for me, at least for this year, spending the evening after work at home and just relaxing was the perfect way to kick off being 39!

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It’s My Birthday! (or Starting Off My Last Year In My 30s)

Posted on August 9, 2022 | Comments Off on It’s My Birthday! (or Starting Off My Last Year In My 30s)

It’s my birthday today! I’ve been someone who celebrates throughout the month, but the past few years have been harder for celebrating. I haven’t been able to do a big party because of the pandemic or my lack of organizing something. I still don’t know if I’d want to do a big thing because of the risk of getting sick. I’ve tried to keep up my birthday traditions however I can, but it seems like there are fewer traditions I’m keeping these days so my birthday celebrations don’t take up as many days. But I do still love to celebrate my birthday even if I’m not doing much for the actual day.

For today, as far as I know, I won’t be doing too much. I have my usual work routine plus I am doing a workout this morning even though I normally don’t go on Tuesdays. I don’t have plans after work, but I know that could change if I decide to do something or if a friend reaches out to me to see if I want to get dinner or something. But even if I don’t do much other than work, that’s ok. I have my other traditions that will happen on other days and I’ll be able to feel like I’m celebrating then.

I don’t usually feel my age, and I think knowing that I’m turning 39 now makes me feel even more disconnected from my age. I know that what other generations were doing by 39 doesn’t really mean much for what I should have in my life. And I know that I don’t look how I would expect 39 to be. Of course, I think so many people of my generation says that as we age and look at what our parents or grandparents were doing at our age. And I’m lucky that there isn’t any pressure from friends or family to be at any specific lifetime milestones so I don’t feel like I’m missing out. There are things that I wonder about and if I’ll have things in my life, but it’s not really a feeling of sadness or missing something. It’s more of a curiosity.

And I do love that everyone my age is redefining what this age means. I remember when I was younger and people were talking about getting close to 40 or turning 40 and how they were old and over the hill. And yes, I know that I could be past the halfway point of my life, but I also don’t see it that way. I see getting older as something interesting now. I don’t fear my age and I don’t lie to people to seem younger. I’m proud to be 39 and there’s nothing wrong with not having kids, being single, or anything else that is happening in my life right now.

Just because I feel good mentally about being in the last year of my 30s doesn’t mean my body is the same. I do have more pain now than I did before. I notice certain foods affect me in different ways and if I’m not sleeping well it takes longer to recover. But that just means I need to be more aware of what I do each day and accept that sometimes I might not recover from something crazy the way I used to. That’s nothing to be too upset about, just to be aware of.

I think I had a much harder time as I was getting closer to 30 than I am now. I didn’t really write about things when I was turning 29 about worrying about being 30, but I do remember being a bit more nervous about leaving my 20s behind and what my 30s would bring. And while there were negative or sad moments in my 30s so far, there were also some really great things that I never could have imagined. My life isn’t what I thought it would be, but that’s not always a negative thing. I have to celebrate the unbelievable things that have come my way as well. Even a year ago for my 38th birthday, I had no clue that the place I had been living in would be sold and I would be moving.

So much can happen in a year, and I’m excited to see what comes in my last year of being in my 30s to kick off a huge milestone birthday next year!

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Glad I Was Feeling Better This Week (or Surprising Myself)

Posted on August 8, 2022 | Comments Off on Glad I Was Feeling Better This Week (or Surprising Myself)

I knew this past week of workouts would likely start off with some bad days, but I was hopeful that they wouldn’t last long and things would get better for me. And I’m pretty lucky because I was feeling better at the perfect time for a really great workout moment.

Monday’s workout felt like all endurance work. I’m not sure if the templates are still supposed to always be a mix of endurance, strength, and power or if they are going back to having a singular focus for some workouts. But this one for sure felt like a big endurance day. I was still dealing with a little bit of pain and nausea, but it was tapering off so it was much better than the week before.

For each section of the room, we had 3 blocks. And for cardio and the floor, we repeated the same block each time.

For cardio, we had a 3-minute push pace followed by a 1-minute all-out each time. I did use my normal resistance levels for the push pace and all-out, but since there wasn’t a base pace in each block it felt like I was using a higher resistance level. I had to occasionally take a break during each block because the pain was getting bad, but I tried to not rest beside those moments to push myself as much as I could.

On the rower, the first and last blocks were the same. They were both 4-minute rows and the idea was to increase the wattage on the rower every minute. So ideally, we had a base to push row, a push row, a push to all-out row, and an all-out row. I did try to increase the wattage each minute, but it wasn’t going up as much as I would have liked each minute. But I did try and I did see increases each time. In the second block, we had a mix of lunges and rowing each minute. For the first minute, we had 10 lunges and then rowed for the rest of the minute. In the second minute, we had 12 lunges and then rowed. In the third minute, we had 14 lunges and then rowed. And the last minute was just rowing. And the goal was to try to get to half the distance from the first block. I didn’t quite get to half of my first distance, but I did beat the distance from the first block in the last block.

And for the floor, everything for each block was a 1-minute interval. We had a minute of bicep curls, a minute of arnold presses, a minute of front squats, and a minute of front squats to arnold presses. It was so much shoulder work and I had to go lighter with the weights than I normally would because of that. And for the second and third blocks, I had to rest during the squats because I was starting to have some nausea. And after the last block, my arms were so tired from the shoulder work, but it was a good feeling.

Wednesday’s workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power. We had power for cardio, strength for the rower, and endurance on the floor. And for each section of the room, we had 2 blocks of work.

For cardio, the 2 blocks of work were the same. We started with 2 rounds of 45-second push paces and 1-minute base paces followed by 2 rounds of 45-second all-outs with a 1-minute recovery between them. I did much better than Monday although I did have a few random cramps during the entire workout that I had to rest to breathe through. But it was so much better than last week and I know I’m pretty much almost done with my bad days.

For the rower, both blocks were focused on doing 250-meter rows. In the first block, between each row we had deadlifts to shoulder presses with a medicine ball. And in the second block, between each row we were supposed to do isolated squats with bicep curls but I didn’t do the squats and just did bicep curls. But I did use a heavier medicine ball than normal. I wasn’t planning on going heavier, but the one I normally use wasn’t available and I didn’t want to go lighter.

And on the floor, the first block was timed with cardio so we had 45-second and 1-minute intervals. For the 45-second intervals, we had suitcase squats and we focused on one side each time. And for the 1-minute intervals, we had to do 12 hammer curls to shoulder presses and then could rest for whatever time was leftover. And in the second block, we worked at our own pace. We had all Bosu work for that block. We had crunches, hip bridges, back extensions, and plank toe taps. I didn’t use the Bosu for the plank toe taps, but I did use it for everything else so I got a good core workout in that block!

Thursday’s workout was a benchmark workout. For this class, we had the 1-mile challenge. The last time I did the mile benchmark was about a year ago, and I PRed when I did that. So I wasn’t necessarily expecting to PR again since that time seemed so fast and I knew I was coming off of a bad week.

Our cardio block was all about the benchmark challenge. On the bike, you do 4 miles (or 4 trips, which may not be the same as miles), but that’s what I’m used to doing. And I knew approximately how fast I had to get to each distance segment to be on track to be close to my last PR. And when I got to 1 mile/trip, I was actually only a little behind what would get me to my PR. I wasn’t expecting to go that fast, but I think seeing that motivated me to push myself harder. So I really went for it and knew that I would be completely gassed out by the end of the challenge. I tried to stay steady with how quickly I pedaled, but I did do a few moments of just going as fast as my legs could go to get a little extra boost. There’s no way I could pedal as fast as I did in a normal workout because that’s a lot longer, but somehow I continued to pick up speed and not only did I get to my old PR but I beat it by 16 seconds!

I was really exhausted at the end of those 8 minutes and I needed to rest and catch my breath before I could walk over to the tracking system so I could enter my new time. And for the rest of the block, we had short intervals to do but I just kept it between a recovery and base pace and took breaks as I needed them.

On the rower, we started with a 600-meter row. Since I was so tired from the bike, I was rowing slowly and needed breaks during it. But I tried my best. And after the row, we had crisscross hops. Each round on the rower we went down by 100-meters, but I only made it to the 300-meter row before the block was done.

On the floor, we had 1 block with 2 mini-blocks. The first mini-block had single-arm low rows with weights and chest presses on the straps. And in the second mini-block, we had single-leg lateral step-ups and single-leg deadlifts. I lowered the bench to do the step-ups since I have been trying to do that when I can instead of doing lunges. I did have to go slowly because my balance wasn’t great, but there was no need to rush through them and I took advantage of having the time to push myself and do them.

Because of how hard I pushed myself on Thursday, I knew I would be taking it easier on Friday. I did still want to push myself when I could, but I also knew that I really needed to pay attention to how I was feeling. We had 2 blocks in each section of the room and again it was a mix of endurance, strength, and power.

For cardio, both blocks had intervals with inclines and intervals without inclines. The first block had 2-minute push paces and 1-minute base paces. And the second block had 1-minute all-outs and 1-minute recoveries. For both the push paces and all-outs, the first time we had no incline and went up by 1% each round. I started at my normal resistance level for each and then went up from there instead of trying to just pedal faster.

On the rower, we were timed with cardio. In the first block, we had 2-minute rows and then we had the minute to do forward and back steps and then rest. And in the second block, we had 1-minute all-out rows and then in and out hops during the minute the cardio was in a recovery. I did ok with the rowing. I did take little breaks during the 2-minute rows, but it was more because of my hip feeling off than being tired. And even though I usually do modifications for any hopping activity, I did try the hops first before I switched to something else.

And on the floor, the idea for each block was to try to get heavier with the weights each round. But I didn’t do a great job at that because I didn’t want to start off too light and I knew I couldn’t get much heavier than the heavy ones I was using. In the first block, we had lateral lunges (which I did without weights) and single-arm low rows. And in the second block, we had bridge hold single-arm chest presses and hip bridges. The hip bridges were supposed to be single-leg, but I did regular ones.

Even though not every workout had a huge win, having that PR on Thursday really made my week last week! And it put me in a great mood for this week’s workouts and seeing what I can do during my birthday week workouts!

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More People From My Past (or Really Trying To Stand Up For Myself)

Posted on August 5, 2022 | Comments Off on More People From My Past (or Really Trying To Stand Up For Myself)

It was only a few weeks ago that I wrote about how I rematched with guys from my past. Those were guys I matched with on dating apps for the second time, but I do think that for both of them I had messaged with them outside of the dating apps. So I think they both had my number, but they never reached out again until we rematched on the app. And I wrote about how I was open to seeing what would happen, but I was cautious.

For both of them, I ended up unmatching with them. For one guy, I knew it couldn’t lead to anything serious because of his work situation. I was open to seeing him again because our date before was really nice, and it seemed at first that he was open to that as well. But things just didn’t happen and it seemed like he either lost interest or was only willing to message me when he had free time and not plan. So I unmatched with him because I don’t want to be someone’s backup plan and there’s no reason for me to continue something without a future.

For the other guy, I was willing to hear out why he ghosted me before, but he never seemed to want to answer that question. And there were other issues with him that made me feel less certain about him. I didn’t like that he was lying about his age. Whenever someone does that, it makes me wonder what else they might be lying about. I know that they might only be lying about their age to get different results in the app’s algorithm, but I still feel that’s weird. Also, this guy doesn’t live that close to me. When we went out a few years ago, he mentioned possibly moving more toward my part of LA, but he hasn’t done that. So I figured between not getting answers from what happened before and the other issues, there was no point in moving forward. I did tell him that it was nice to chat again but I don’t think we are a match this time, so at least I didn’t ghost him.

And again, another person from my past has come back. This time, it wasn’t from matching on an app again. He and I went out years ago and we had each other’s phone numbers. And he has texted me over the years. But last year, I said that I would be willing to give him a chance if he would call me and not text because calls can get things done while texts can take a while to get a response from. And he wasn’t understanding me or didn’t believe me because he continued to just text. But we finally had a phone call this past week and I said that as long as he continued to call and not text, I would consider seeing him again.

When he and I stopped seeing each other, it wasn’t because anything bad happened. We wanted different things and he had some issues with following through with seeing me. Just like I said before, I’m not someone’s backup plan. I want someone who wants to make plans with me, not just see if I’m free when they are free at the last minute. And I told him this when we talked this week. If he wants to see me, there has to be a plan and there has to be effort. I don’t need anything fancy. Even just asking if I wanted to meet up for coffee or something simple would be fine as long as it was a plan.

And I’m trying to stay strong with this mindset. It’s really easy for me to just accept something less because I was told by people for a long time that I don’t deserve nice things and should just be happy that anyone would be interested in me. I know I deserve more than what I have gotten in the past. I know that someone should be as excited as I am about going on dates. I don’t know what will happen with this guy or if we will end up going out, but I’m really trying to hold him to the standard that I’m asking for. I know I’m not asking for much, and if he decides that he’s not ok with that then we aren’t meant to go out again.

I have been trying to be stronger with how I am with my dating life. I am not playing the cool girl or acting like I’m good with whatever I’m offered. I don’t need to put up with a situation that I’m not happy with just because the alternative is not dating anyone at the moment. The pandemic really taught me the difference between being alone and being lonely. And as long as I have time with others in my life like seeing friends or going to my workouts, I’m not lonely. And being alone can be better than being in an unfulfilling dating situation that makes me feel insecure.

It’s not always easy to remember that, especially when I want someone to like me, but I’m trying. And hopefully, whether it’s this guy from my past or someone new, they will respect that I’m standing up for myself and what I want and will be happy to meet my standards (and hopefully exceed them).

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Making Sure I Have Nice Birthday Hair (or Sometimes The Timing Works Out Nicely)

Posted on August 4, 2022 | Comments Off on Making Sure I Have Nice Birthday Hair (or Sometimes The Timing Works Out Nicely)

I try to stay on top of getting my hair done at regular intervals. I wasn’t always great about this, but I’ve been doing a lot better lately about scheduling my appointments to be about every 6 weeks apart. I think not being able to get my hair done when everything was shut down kicked my butt into gear about not slacking off. I also think between stress and my hair loss getting worse, I’m noticing my gray hair quicker than before. I don’t know if I have more gray hair or not, but as my hair gets thinner I feel like any gray hair stands out more.

Because I’m doing my hair pretty much every 6-8 weeks, the timing isn’t always with things that I would like my hair to look nice for. If it’s close, I might get my hair done earlier or later, but since I’m trying to stay on schedule, I don’t change it up too much. So when things do align, it’s always nice.

After the last time I got my hair done, I realized that the next time I was due would be right before my birthday, so that was perfect! And because of my hairstylist’s schedule, it worked out for me to go in a week before my birthday. It might have been nice to get my hair done the day before my birthday so my hair was extra nice on my actual birthday, but because I don’t think I will do much for my birthday it doesn’t matter too much. I just was happy that I would have my hair freshly dyed for any birthday things I might do.

I was planning on getting a hair topper to cover my thinning hair (and the gray hair), which would be like a partial wig that just clips into my hair. And I was hoping to get this done before my appointment. But because of the timing of life and me just slacking off on remembering to do it, I didn’t get it in time. I do want to order it and bring it with me to my appointment because it will likely need to be dyed and styled to match my hair. They aren’t cheap, and I’ve tried to cut back on spending so it’s something that I do need to double-check that I’ve got money to spend on it right now. But I think I should be able to get the money together before my next appointment. It’s more of a matter of remembering to do it and having my hairstylist confirm I’m ordering the right base color and length.

But no matter what, at least now my hair is refreshed and looking nice so it should look good during anything I end up doing for my birthday. And while I don’t mind getting older, I do really dislike the gray I have in my hair. I think if it was more concentrated like in a streak, I might not mind it as much. But because it is sporadic and sticks out so much in my hair, I just don’t like the look. I have seen more and more people who have grown out their gray hair and I think I would love to do that one day. But I would need to be basically completely gray before I take that plunge. And I don’t know if I would just let it all naturally grow out or if I would strip the color and dye it gray so you don’t see it as gray roots. But I think I have a while before I will consider doing that so I’m not going to worry about it for now.

For now, I’m just glad that I’m continuing at least one regular beauty routine. I still haven’t gone back to anything else that I used to do, but I have thought more about getting other stuff done that I miss. I just need to make a plan for those and consider the risk factor of going. I’m lucky that for my hair, a friend of mine does it and the salon usually has very few if any other people in there. But for anything else I might go back to, I just have to think more about it and decide what will be right.

One day in the future, I will have a better routine for beauty/self-care things. But at least right now I have my hair done and am ready to celebrate my birthday this month!

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