Monthly Archives: December 2021

Doubling Up With Panic Attacks (or I’m Really Getting Tired Of This)

Posted on December 3, 2021 | Comments Off on Doubling Up With Panic Attacks (or I’m Really Getting Tired Of This)

Having a panic attack at the dentist is pretty much a guarantee for me. This has happened for the majority of my life and I don’t see it ending any time soon. I can manage my panic attacks better now than I could before, but they still happen and still affect me. So when I was going in for a dentist appointment this week, I knew I was going to have an attack and just tried my best to stay calm when I could.

But going to the appointment caused me to have an unexpected panic attack. I’m typically a very prompt person. Often, I arrive at places too early and I just sit and wait in my car until the right time. I overestimate how long it will take to get somewhere, but I would rather be early than late. And for appointments, I know if you arrive late they can sometimes refuse to see you. So I really try to be on time. My dentist isn’t too far from where I live, but I also know the areas I have to drive through can have some weird traffic holdups. So I gave myself double the time it normally takes to get there, so I figured I would arrive early.

I don’t know what was going on with traffic, but it was just not moving while I was driving. I was terrified I would get to my appointment and they would turn me away, which would be awful because that would mean I would have the nerves leading up to another appointment date. I tried to call in to explain what was happening, but they must have been busy at the office because it went to voicemail. I was already struggling with panic feelings about an appointment, but now I was dealing with panic feelings about being late too.

I guess it was a good thing I gave myself double the time to get there because I only ended up being 1 minute late, so it worked out ok. But I was still so stressed and my heart was racing about getting there on time. And as soon as I arrived, my regular panic that I get at the dentist kicked into high gear.

I’m lucky that my dentists understand that I just don’t do well there, so they do try their best. But the hygienist they have was taking longer than I’m used to with her work. And she noticed my panic and kept stopping so I could have a break. I told her that taking a break doesn’t help me since I just need to get through the appointment, but she kept checking in with me. My dentist did check in too and let the hygienist know that I do best when we can get through it quickly (but also thoroughly so I don’t have issues later).

Fortunately, after that things picked up in my appointment and they moved quickly. I had one moment with a really bad panic attack when my dentist was inspecting a spot on one tooth. Even though she had already told me there were no cavities or issues, I was so worried that she discovered something after telling me that. I really tried to keep my breathing under control, but I was starting to really freak out. I’m glad it ended up being nothing (basically it was a weird shadow), but it was still a pretty bad moment for me.

I left the appointment with the usual good news that everything is good with my teeth and my next appointment would be another normal cleaning. I’m still going every 4 months since that seems to be the best setup for me, but a least they aren’t extreme appointments. But having these panic attacks really bothers me. I know it’s weird to be upset over something that I may not be able to control, but I feel that way. I’m usually emotionally and physically exhausted after an appointment. I wish I could just magically be ok and not panic even a little bit, but I don’t think that is likely to happen in my future.

So I just have to tolerate these every 4 months and hope for the best. And next time, hopefully I won’t have the extra panic with traffic making it worse.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Making More Decisions For My New Place (or I Didn’t Realize Paint Was This Hard)

Posted on December 2, 2021 | Comments Off on Making More Decisions For My New Place (or I Didn’t Realize Paint Was This Hard)

I’ve been making a lot of decisions about things for my condo. The renovation isn’t a huge project, but there still are a lot of things I need to pick out since everything that is changing has to be decided on. I’m not used to this since I’ve never gotten to pick out so much for somewhere I’m going to be living. I’m just used to making small changes like picking out new furniture.

Now, it’s big decisions like flooring or design. And while this is super exciting, it’s also overwhelming. I completely understand why people hire designers to do most of this work or to only show them one or two options. When you have endless options, it can be hard to pick something. And I think I’ve been pretty lucky with finding things I like and they seem to go together. So for a lot of the big decisions, I’ve checked things off of my list.

But one of the big things I haven’t decided on yet was paint color. While I don’t mind the off-white that is currently in the condo, because we are doing work we will have to repaint no matter what. So instead of sticking with the color that is there, I wanted to pick out a color I like. I’ve never been able to paint my place, so I was excited about it. And because doing this stuff is more fun with a friend, I asked my friend Pamela if she wanted to come with me to the paint store to look at options. And thank goodness that she was free and wanted to come!

The first time at the paint store was all about picking out the little paper samples of the colors. I knew I was looking at off-whites that likely were more cool-toned or a pale gray. I also wanted to look at options for my bedroom and I was also thinking a gray could be nice. And the one bold color I wanted to find was a nice blue that I could use for one wall because I wanted to set up an area that I could do self-tape auditions in and not need to use a backdrop. Even though the colors I was considering were limited, there were so many options. And I’m glad I went to a store that was only for a specific brand of paint and not a store with dozens of brands so it wasn’t more overwhelming.

Then we went back to the condo and started looking at the ones we picked. I had forgotten to bring tape with me, but I found some double-stick fabric tape in my purse so we used that to put the samples on the wall.

We were putting them side by side because some of these colors were either going to be an accent color or we knew they might go on adjacent walls. We had more samples than this, but for a lot of them we looked at them away from the paint store and immediately knew they were wrong. So from the dozen or so ones I originally looked at, I decided on 4 colors I wanted to get samples of so I could paint some test areas.

The next day, I went back to the paint store to order my samples. Fortunately, it was a pretty quick process and I was at the condo shortly after and ready to paint on the walls. Because I know the colors can look different on different walls, I did test spots on 10 different areas. And when I knew the colors might be next to each other, I put them super close and made sure I could get an idea of how it would look if the two colors were side by side.

The only color I feel certain about is the darker blue I picked for a self-tape area. I think that color is perfect and I know that’s exactly what I want that wall to be. But for the overall color, I’m still not certain. So I’m going to go back this weekend and get more samples so I can feel good about what we pick since I will be seeing a lot of that color.

I really didn’t think it would be this tough to pick a color since I haven’t ever really cared too much about the color on my walls. I’ve always lived somewhere that had a neutral off-white and I’ve been fine with that. But when I have to pick my own neutral, it’s not easy!

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Excitement and Speaking Up (or My Last Monthly Challenge of 2021)

Posted on December 1, 2021 | Comments Off on Excitement and Speaking Up (or My Last Monthly Challenge of 2021)

It’s so crazy that it’s already December. This year feels like it didn’t happen, but I think part of that is similar to what happened last year with the pandemic. I didn’t get to fully live my life the way I’m used to, but in other ways I created new things within my life. But still, this year is almost done and that just seems bonkers!

And since it’s the beginning of the last month of the year, it’s also time for me to review last month’s challenge and plan out this month’s challenge. Last month, my monthly challenge was to be more excited in my life. I knew I needed this challenge because I was feeling like I focused more on negatives and preparing for the worst and it was really starting to affect my life. I know I did this partially as a coping or protection mechanism because of some things happening in my life, but I knew last month I needed to move on from that feeling.

And I think I did a pretty good job with this challenge. A lot of the things that were causing me to focus on the negative were out of my life. I also worked on trying to make plans or have more things in my life that make me happy. Things are still not perfect and I do still worry about things more than I probably should, but I think the balance is much more toward the positive and excitement than to the negative. And just like with so many of these types of challenges, the biggest progress has been in my ability to recognize when my thoughts are getting this way and being able to take action sooner than I did before.

And for my last challenge this year, I have decided to do something that I have struggled with for a while but I have taken steps toward progress recently. This month, I challenge myself to speak up more for myself. This isn’t about being bossy or not listening to others, but about being a better advocate for myself.

I struggle a lot with this because I feel like speaking up could make me seem difficult or unlikeable. But I need to get over that feeling because I shouldn’t have to tolerate something that I’m not ok with just to assume the other person is going to be upset with me if I say otherwise. And this is something I struggle with in both my personal life and my work life.

For my personal life, I see this being an issue most with dating. There is the idea of being the cool girl and not pushing for things or stating you might want something more than what a situation is at the moment. I don’t think I was ever fully like that, but I know I didn’t speak up a lot in the past when I could have done so. I shouldn’t have to fear asking for what I want. If me saying I want to find something serious scares someone off, then they never would have been right for me. There is a saying that you will never be too much for the right person. I have to remember that. It would be better to stay single than to tolerate multiple half relationships where I don’t say what I really am hoping to find. I’ve been getting better at this, but there’s still a lot of work to go and fear to get over.

And for work, I’ve gotten much better about this, especially recently. There are a lot of systems at my job that just don’t make sense or work for me. And for many of them, there doesn’t seem to be a reason why things are like that other than that’s how it was done before and how we were trained. But as the company grows, there’s no reason to avoid change. But unless someone speaks up and explains why a system isn’t working, there’s no way for those in charge to know and look into alternatives.

I feel like I do have an advantage with this since one of the executives at the company is a friend of mine. And when he was sitting in with me while I worked, I was able to be very blunt and honest about systems that just make work harder than it needs to be. I know that this really is a benefit with this job that I can keep in mind when discussing ideas like this with other jobs. But it’s still the same idea about not fearing I will be fired because I bring up a concern.

I hope that I find some good ways to speak up more for myself when I need to this month. I know that I am worth asking for what I want or expressing when things don’t seem right to me, but sometimes it’s hard to believe that in the moment.

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff, Work

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