Monthly Archives: November 2019

The First Half Of Thanksgiving (or My Pre-Thanksgiving Activities)

My Thanksgiving trip felt like it was split into 2. What I did before Thanksgiving Day and what happened on Thanksgiving Day and after. So I figured I should split my posts into 2 as well. And this is the first part of my Thanksgiving trip.

As I previously mentioned, I was anxious about flying for Thanksgiving for several reasons. This has been an issue for me for most of my life, and I just have to work through it whenever I travel. I guess it is a good thing that I don’t travel that often. And while most of my fears I wrote about weren’t an issue, my flight for my trip wasn’t the easiest.

It was a totally full flight, which wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. I wasn’t too squished in my seat, and I think the new seats that Southwest did help. Even though the seats are probably smaller, the armrests are up a bit higher so that makes it more comfortable for me. I do fit in the seats either way, but it’s nice to feel better about it.

The flight itself was one of the bumpiest I’ve been on. It was pretty horrible. The turbulence was constant and there were so many stomach-dropping moments. I really wished that I had some panic meds with me because that would have been the time to take them. But I just tried to focus on breathing and I listened to podcasts during the flight instead of reading so I could zone out a bit more. And we did land safely, which is what is important.

And all that stressful travel was worth it because I go to see my family’s dog again for the first time in a year!

The day before Thanksgiving was mainly family time with my immediate family. I had to work that morning and my cousin and her kids came over to the hotel to say hi to me and my parents. My brother and sister-in-law were driving up to us that day, so that afternoon was just my parents and me.

A few days earlier, we were trying to figure out what to do that afternoon because it was supposed to be pouring rain. My mom saw that “Stomp” was playing at a theater very close to the hotel so she got the 3 of us tickets. My parents have seen the show twice and I technically have seen it before (but I was 4 or 5 so I don’t remember it), so we were all very excited to check it out!

My mom got us great seats and we were close enough to see everything but far enough that we weren’t able to see the entire stage at once.

And the show was really awesome! The performers were so talented and what they were able to do was fun to watch. And they were all able to show personality with their characters even though they never spoke a single word. There were a few moments that were Thanksgiving themed, but those might be always in the show. But I liked those touches and everyone in the audience was enjoying it.

After the show, we headed back to the hotel where my brother and sister-in-law were waiting. Their drive wasn’t too bad, so they got to us with plenty of time to spare before we went out to dinner. We hung out in our hotel room and caught up plus we did our Hanukkah presents. I gave my brother and sister-in-law a candle that is supposed to smell like San Francisco (where they lived before) and I got my parents these really cute wooden tiles painted to look like Scrabble tiles that spell out SNOW. I know the gifts weren’t as good as the custom pet portraits, but they were still good.

After presents, the 5 of us headed out to dinner. We went out for Chinese food and it was a nice and casual meal. And even though it wasn’t that late, after dinner we were all pretty tired so we headed back to our hotel rooms to get some sleep before a big day the next day.

Even though the start of my trip got off to a rocky start (literally), I’m glad the first half of Thanksgiving was what I hoped for. I got to hang out with my family, go do some fun things, and enjoy a little break from my everyday life.

Happy Thanksgiving (or A Quick Post)

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m spending today with my family and I’m excited to see what craziness might happen at my family Thanksgiving. We don’t always have something crazy happen, but when there are this many people together you never know what will happen.

This year, we have 3 generations of my family together plus 2 dogs (not sure what generations to consider the dogs) so it should be an awesome group. And everyone in my family is going to be there, which hasn’t happened for a long time. I know there will be a bit of sadness since this is the first time we are all together after my grandma passed away, but hopefully, that loss will be more about remembering my grandparents and all the awesome memories we have and not being upset about the loss. I have tried to focus on it that way and it does help.

I hope that all of you are spending Thanksgiving doing exactly what you want to be doing today. I know not everyone wants to be with their family, but I hope you are spending the day with the people you want to be around. I hope you all have amazing meals today and it’s an awesome holiday. And if any of you are Black Friday shoppers, I hope you get all the deals you are hoping for!

I’ll be posting more about my Thanksgiving trip tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope you all have so much to be grateful for this year!

Getting Ready For Thanksgiving (or I Wish Flying Was Easier)

I’m traveling to Sacramento again this year for Thanksgiving. Our family Thanksgiving was originally planned to be there since my grandma couldn’t travel. Since she passed away recently, we didn’t change the plans for our family. But starting next year, I think my family is going to go back to switching up where we have Thanksgiving each year.

I was so used to going to San Diego each year for a while and I have to admit that I liked Thanksgiving being there. I know that it wasn’t easy for most people in my family to get there, but it was easy for me. I didn’t necessarily love the drive down there because it could take a lot longer than normal, but driving is so much easier for me than flying. I miss it when I could just pack up my car and go without thinking too much about it. Flying takes so much more effort and planning for me.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful that I get to fly to be with my family for Thanksgiving. I’m really grateful that my parents are able to help me out with getting a ticket (since I don’t have the money for it) and that I get to spend the holiday with so many members of my family. But flying really does stress me out so much. My panic attacks with flying have gotten better to the point I don’t have to be medicated while flying, but I do still deal with a lot of panic and anxiety when I have to get on a plane.

Maybe this is because I don’t fly that often. The last time I was on a plane was a year ago for Thanksgiving last year. Maybe if I flew all the time it would feel routine for me. Or maybe it would be just as bad as it always is for me. I don’t know and I doubt I will ever fly enough to figure it out.

Before I fly, I have stress and a bit of panic with packing. When I drove to Thanksgiving, I didn’t have to think about how much I packed or how it was packed. I didn’t necessarily overpack, but I wasn’t as organized when I could put lots of things in my car. I always had a suitcase for my clothes and toiletries, but I didn’t pack everything for my trip in a suitcase. I sometimes would have a different bag for shoes because I would have a few different pairs depending on the weather and what we were going to do. I would have a bag just for my work stuff since that can take up a lot of room. I would pack presents for my family in a separate bag so they were safe and easy to get to when we exchanged presents. And I usually helped out by making some food for Thanksgiving so I would have a bag for that too. Plus my everyday purse with my normal day to day things like my wallet and what I would need when I was out and about.

There is no way I can do all that for a trip where I’m flying. I have just one carryon and one large purse that can fit my computer plus a few other personal things. I have to be very selective with what I pack for clothes, including my shoes. Fortunately, I have found a few ways I can reduce what I need to have with me to work without affecting my ability to do my job. And I have to find a way to basically fit everything into one bag that used to only be one part of what I bring with me. It’s such a dumb thing to stress me out, but it does. I’m just glad that I have it figured out and everything does fit in the suitcase I have with me. I just have to be ok with maybe not having the best outfits with me or not having all the toiletries and makeup that I’d want to bring. I guess the one positive is that my suitcase home will be easier to pack because the presents I have for my family take up a big part of the bag.

And then the entire ordeal of flying is something that stresses me out. I worry that I won’t be able to get to the airport on time. I worry that the security line will be so long that I will miss my flight. And the thing that stresses me out so much, that somehow for some reason I won’t fit in the airplane seat. This has never been an issue for me and I have flown when I weighed more than I do now. So there is no reason for me to think that somehow I won’t fit. The seats aren’t comfortable, but I don’t think most people find them comfortable. I know I will be fine flying and that I won’t have issues like not being able to get into a seat, but for some reason, this fear doesn’t go away until I am off the plane at the end of my trip. So this will be a fear I have in the back of my head the entire time I’m in Sacramento. This fear isn’t something that is determined just by my weight. When I was at my skinniest, I still had the same fear. I’m guessing this is a part of my body dysmorphia and that it will be something I will always deal with, at least a little bit.

By the time you are all reading this, I will have made it through the flight there so my packing and some of my flying stress will be done. And I’m hoping that the remaining stress and fear will be able to be pushed aside so I can enjoy the few days that I get to spend with my family and I don’t waste that time worrying about unnecessary things.

Broadway Princess Party (or Fate Allowed For Some Dreams To Come True)

This post is seriously all about things coming into place the way they are supposed to and how fate can be an amazing thing. Over the summer, I went to a show at the Bowl and mentioned how sitting in the picnic area near me was Laura Osnes, a Broadway star that I have dreamed of seeing live. I didn’t bother her that day, but I said in that post that hopefully one day I would get to see her perform in person. Only a few weeks after that night out, I saw a post online that the Broadway Princess Party was coming to the Rockwell! That show was created by Laura Osnes and it is her and other Broadway stars singing Disney princess songs. I immediately checked with Dani to see if she wanted to go, and she said yes so I got us tickets. I splurged on getting the best seats I could because this was someone I really had dreamed of seeing perform and I figured it was worth the money.

I was so excited that I was going to see the show and I felt like it was fate that I was able to get tickets after just saying that hopefully one day I’d get to see her perform live. But then a month or so later, Dani let me know that she couldn’t make it to the show. She had warned me that her work schedule might change so I knew this might happen, but I was sad she couldn’t come with me. But this ended up being another twist of fate because I remembered a friend of mine that I know through union service might be perfect to come with me.

Jackie is also a member of my union slate and I remembered her mentioning to me in the past that she knew Laura Osnes. I didn’t know the specifics, but when I found out that I needed a new person to come with me I immediately asked Jackie if she wanted to join me. She said yes and I was so excited because she was thrilled to be coming with me. I found out the next day that Jackie emailed Laura to say that we were coming to the show and that was even more amazing! Jackie said that we would get to talk to her after the show and I couldn’t believe it. I knew this was going to be the best show ever!

Jackie and I had spent time together with union work, but this was the first time we got to hang out socially and I’m so glad that we had this time. I picked her up for the show and on the way there she was telling me all about her life and the amazing work she has done over the years. She has been in this industry for decades and she has worked with so many Hollywood legends. It was like hearing the history of Hollywood and it was incredible!

We got to the Rockwell a bit early, but as soon as they opened we went to our table so we could order our dinner. We didn’t want to have to eat during the show, so ordering early was important. And we got a selfie together because Jackie wanted to send a photo to Laura saying we were there.

Once the show started, I was just speechless. Not only was it an amazing show and Laura, Courtney Reed, and Susan Egan were so talented, but it was exactly what I hoped it would be and I just couldn’t believe that I was there.

I loved all the performances and the special guests were so great too. And getting to see Laura perform really was something that I have dreamed of doing for so long and it was just unreal that it was happening. I don’t fangirl over actors that often, but for some reason, this was just that much more special to me and didn’t feel like I was seeing one of my peers as it does for most actors I meet.

And Jackie was enjoying the show just as much as I was. She had seen it before a few times, but I think it changes up so it was different from the other times she had seen it. And she loves Laura so much and loves seeing her perform so I know she was having fun there just like I was. I knew the show couldn’t go too long because there was a second show later that evening, but it still felt like it came to a close way too soon. When everyone was on stage at the end for the final song, I was sad it was done but I also felt like I just saw the perfect show.

When the show was done, I knew there was a meet and greet and Laura had told Jackie that she would come to see us between the end of the show and the start of the meet and greet. And that’s exactly what she did! We saw her looking for Jackie and as soon as she saw her she rushed to us to say hello. I really tried to not be too crazy, but I just couldn’t believe I was getting to meet Laura. Jackie introduced her to me and the first thing she did was give me a huge hug to thank me for coming to the show.

She is honestly one of the sweetest and nicest people I have met and she genuinely was excited to meet me and so happy to see Jackie. I was able to tell her how I had wanted to see her perform for years and how much I loved the show. Getting to tell someone that is rare so I was so grateful I had that time. And of course, we had to get a selfie of the 3 of us to remember the evening.

And I wanted to make sure I took a photo of Jackie and Laura together and I love the photo I got of the two of them.

Laura had to get to the meet and greet then so we said our goodbyes and Jackie and I headed back to my car. We also ran into Courtney Reed on the way out and I was able to tell her how much I enjoyed her performance as well. That was amazing too.

In the car ride driving Jackie home, I couldn’t stop thanking her. Seeing the show was going to be amazing enough, but Jackie was able to take it to a new level and make it so much more than I could have imagined. And Jackie loved that because she loves helping other people when she can and she said this was an easy thing for her to do. I told her she is officially my fairy godmother now and I think she liked the new title.

Even though this show was several days ago, I’m still in a bit of shock that this all happened. It was so much more than I could have hoped for and I feel like it was meant to be this way. Of course, I would have loved it if Dani was at the show with me and I know it would have been an incredible evening. But because of fate (and Dani’s work schedule), things fell into place to make it really special and a dream come true.

A Back And Forth Workout Week (or Getting Ready For Thanksgiving)

This past week of workouts was a mix of really great workouts and really bad workouts. I knew it was possibly going to be a mix like that, but I don’t know if I expected it to be such a big swing back and forth. But I managed to get through the tough days the best I could because I knew it would be better toward the end of the week.

Monday’s workout was not my best day. It was the day that I wrote my short post about how I was going through a tough time. When I went to my workout, I wasn’t feeling as bad as I did when I wrote that. But I knew I wasn’t doing well. And I knew that the workout had the 500-meter row benchmark and I really wanted to try my best for that.

The workout was a strength-based class, but the cardio work didn’t have inclines. We started with a 2-minute push pace, 1-minute base pace, and 30-second all out before having a recovery. We continued that pattern but took 30-seconds off of the push pace each time until we just had a 30-second all out at the end. I tried to start the workout with my normal base level on the bike, but I wasn’t able to do that. So I had to start a bit lower than that and I worked my way up to my normal base. But I wasn’t pedaling fast or consistent. I just had to do what I could when I could and be ok with that. The nausea wasn’t much worse than I normally have, but the pain was significantly worse and I was struggling to focus on pedaling when the pain was that sharp. I was so annoyed because I felt like I wasn’t really working out, but I just had to keep reminding myself that something is better than nothing.

When I got to the 500-meter row, I wasn’t feeling horrible and was even a bit optimistic that I could do an ok job. And when I started I was shocked at how strong I was rowing. My split time was so low that it would have easily gotten me a PR on the row. And I was feeling great for maybe the first 200-meters. But right around the halfway mark, my nausea hit me so hard and so strong that I was sure I was about to throw up in class. I never felt nausea that strong while working out and it scared me a bit. I immediately stopped rowing and worked on breathing through it and seeing if I had to leave the room. I was able to get through it, but my rowing time was ruined because of it. I was determined to finish the row, but I had to go very slow and easy. For the first half, I was pacing at 1:55 which would have been amazing. The second half I was pacing at over 4 minutes. I think it ended up taking me about 3:30, but I didn’t really look at my time when I was done and didn’t track it.

On the floor, I was able to do most things without modifications. We had swing lunges that I had to do as regular lunges, hollow hold chest presses, plank work which I had to do as high rows with weights while standing up, alligators on the straps, and rollouts on the straps. I did go slow with the exercises and took lots of breaks, but I was able to go heavy with the weights and I did get 2 rounds of all the exercises done.

I was still a bit nauseous going into Wednesday’s workout, but I was doing much better than how I was on Monday. Wednesday’s workout had a mix of endurance, strength, and power and if I was feeling awesome it might have been a day I tried the treadmill again instead of the bike. I don’t mind the bike the way I did before, but there are occasional workouts that make me wonder if I should go for the treadmill. And this one was like that.

For cardio, all we had were all outs. We had 4 all outs that were 1 minute long and 5 all outs that were 30 seconds long. The recovery time after each of the 1 minute all outs got longer each round. Then we went back to a shorter recovery when we switched to 30 second all outs but each round the recovery got longer. It would have been an amazing chance to work on my running and see what I could do, but I knew that my nausea wouldn’t allow me to try that at all. So I focused completely on my pedaling speed on the bike. I didn’t play around with the resistance levels since we were doing such short intervals. But I did try to pedal a bit faster with each of the all outs so it would be like I was increasing the speed on the treadmill.

On the rower, we had 100, 300, and 500-meter rows. Between each row, we had medicine ball exercises. They were supposed to be lunges with shoulder presses and tricep extensions but I modified the lunges to be squats. I struggled a bit on the rower, but since they weren’t benchmarks I didn’t feel the same pressure that I did on Monday to go hard and do them quickly. I took my time and took breaks when I needed to. I was seeing a pattern of needing to let the nausea pass after I rowed about 150-200 meters. It did break up the rowing nicely, but I would have preferred to not need breaks at all.

And on the floor, I had a lot that needed to be modified. We started with lunges (I had to skip using weights for this one to keep my balance), lateral lunges to half thrusters (I modified this by splitting up the movements into 2 different exercises), plank jacks to pop jacks (I modified this by using the bench for my hands), hamstring curls using the straps (I did weighted hip bridges instead), and sit-ups using the straps (I did these on the floor and skipped the straps). It was a bit odd that every exercise had to be changed to work for me, but they felt close enough to what we were supposed to do so it didn’t feel like I was changing everything.

Friday’s workout was better than the other days and I was almost back to normal. It was a strength-based class which meant I would have higher resistance levels on the bike. But it ended up not being too bad so I was able to handle it and my nausea wasn’t kicking in as much as I was afraid it would.

For cardio, the first block was coached and the second block was on our own. The first block was a mix of 1-minute push paces at inclines and 45 seconds of a base pace with no incline. The inclines weren’t that high so I was using resistance levels around my push and all out levels. The second block was .1 miles (.4 for the bike) at inclines with 45 seconds to recover after. .4 on the bike takes me about a minute so it was very similar to the first block for me.

The rower was also 2 blocks. The first block was rounds of 200-meter rows and 6 squats between each row. 200 meters was a good distance for me to work with and I was able to handle it without needed to take breaks. We weren’t supposed to reset the rower during that first block because for the second block we were supposed to do the distance we got in that first block and then 25 squats. The distance for the second block was a challenge for me and I did have to take breaks every 250 meters or so. But I did make it to the squats so I was proud of that.

And the floor work was 1 long block but we had drop sets within the block. We had drop sets of bicep curls and hip hinge low rows as well as regular sets of plank work and triceps on the straps. I tried to go heavy for the drop sets since that is the goal, but after one round I realized I couldn’t go as heavy as I wanted to without my nausea kicking in a bit. I was still using 2 different sets of weights, but it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.

Saturday’s workout was really amazing for me. I was shocked by how much better I was feeling compared to Friday. But that also meant that I would have a great workout and not worry too much about it. The workout was endurance-based, but it felt more like a power day for me. We had 2 blocks at each section of the room and we switched after each block (so we did 2 laps around).

For cardio, the first block had 2 rounds of push paces followed by a base pace and then we ended with a 90-second distance challenge. The second block was the same pattern, but the push paces were shorter and the base paces were longer. The goal was to get to the same distance on the second block even though we weren’t in a push as long. For me on the bike, I knew that wouldn’t be too tough to accomplish because I don’t really have a huge difference between my base and push speeds. I kept my resistance level at my base level the entire time and I ended up going further in the second block which was awesome!

On the rower, the first block started with a 150-meter row followed by squats. We then had a 250 and 350-meter rows with squats between and if you got through all that then you rowed until the block was done. The second block was the same except we started at the 350-meter row and went down. Just like with the cardio, we were supposed to get to the same distance in the second block as we did in the first. I struggled a little with the 350-meter row, but I think that was more due to being tired than anything else. And I was just about at the same distance between both blocks.

On the floor, the first block had single-leg squats, lateral squats, and hip hinge reverse flys. The second block had sit-ups to squats (which I had to split into 2 different moves), scaption raises, and plank low rows. The modifications I had to do for the floor work was more about my hip issues and not nausea. And I was able to go a bit heavy with the weights even though it wasn’t a strength day.

I loved that I ended on such a good workout. I felt like I made up for the bad workout days and that I am ready to go for this week. I might have 4 workouts in because I might be adding in an extra day, but if I go with what I have planned I’ll have 3 workouts this week. But one of them will be my family workout on Thanksgiving and I’m really excited about that!

Ignoring The Voices In My Head (or Not Letting Dates Get Me Down)

I feel like I have a dating update post each month. But I guess that’s a result of continuing to put effort into dating and not taking a break or giving up. I don’t have any big updates or news, just the usual about random dates that I went on and what happened.

Nothing horrible has happened recently, but there have been things that stung a bit or made me doubt myself. I had a few matchest that made plans with me and then immediately unmatched with me or unmatched with me right before we were supposed to meet. I don’t get what the game is behind that, but it’s annoying and it does make me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I had a date a few weeks ago with a guy that I had zero chemistry or interest in once we met. He wasn’t showing any personality and really felt like a waste of my time. But he also seemed very interested in me and it made me question why someone who acted like that was the type of person I attracted.

And then I had a date that has a similar story to one I told recently. It wasn’t exactly the same and it didn’t sting as much, but I had another date that seemed like it went well and I was really enjoying the time we spent together. We met up for a drink and we had a lot to talk about and we didn’t have a lot of awkward moments. He does magic as a hobby and we had a really fascinating discussion about magic and its history and longevity. It was so nice having a conversation that didn’t feel superficial even if it wasn’t about something serious. And it seemed like he was interested in me. When our date ended, I mentioned how I’d like to meet up again and he said the same. He texted me after the date to make sure I made it home safely and said he would let me know when he was free over the next few days so we could see each other again.

The next day, I get a message from him saying that he enjoyed the time we had the night before and talking with me. But he wanted to be honest and he didn’t believe we were a good fit for each other. I messaged back saying that I appreciated the honesty and hoped that he found his perfect match. And I tried not to think too much about it.

But my brain went so many different directions. Why did he say he would let me know when we could see each other again if he didn’t want to see me again? Or, what changed between him writing me that message and him deciding we weren’t a good match? What about me made him not want to see me again? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better to not get rejected? What did he feel made us not a good match and is there a way I could fix it?

Even though I wasn’t completely sure if this was the right guy for me, I couldn’t help but think what is wrong with me and not that there is something not right for us to be a match. I wonder if I’m really unlovable and unwanted like I was told when I was younger by someone. I put the blame on not being a good match completely on me and assume it can’t have anything to do with him. But I know that isn’t necessarily true because I have felt like people weren’t a good match when it isn’t totally because of them. Sometimes you just aren’t a match and it’s nobody’s fault and it is just the way it is. And I can believe that when I’m the one rejecting someone and not the person being rejected.

I’m lucky that I have amazing friends that remind me that the things my brain is telling me aren’t the truth. They remind me that I don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t completely interested in me and that I deserve someone who feels like I am the perfect match for them. They tell me that I shouldn’t have to see what I need to change about myself to be a match for someone. When I meet the right person, I will be right for them the way that I am and I won’t have to fit into something that they want. Hopefully, when I meet the right person it will be easy and I won’t worry about what I did wrong or right when I meet them. I know I’m not perfect and that’s not what I’m saying. But I want to believe that my true self will be what someone else is looking for and I won’t have to change who I am to make them want to be with me.

I don’t know if I will ever stop hearing the voices in my head telling me that the reason why dating isn’t going the way I hoped it would be is all my fault. Or when I’m rejected it’s because of who I am. But I can try to quiet those statements as much as I can and listen to the people who are telling me the truth to make the truth louder in my head than the lies I still believe for some reason.

“A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood” (or Doing A Rare Movie Review)

I am so lucky that I get the opportunity to attend so many different movie screenings. Some of them I do pay for on top of my union dues, but that cost is still much lower than what movies in the theaters cost. I know lots of people have different movie subscriptions through theaters now so they can see things as cheaply as I can. But there is one rare bonus that I get sometimes through my union.

It’s not often that this happens, but sometimes the screening I go to is before the movie is released in theaters. I’ve only had a few of these screenings and it’s always been so much fun to get to see something early. They sometimes make a big deal over it being a pre-release screening and there are extra rules, but this time they didn’t say much so I didn’t realize it was a pre-release until I got there.

And the movie I got to see early was “A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood” starring Tom Hanks.

I was already excited to see this movie because I knew it was going to be good. I can’t remember a movie with Tom Hanks that I didn’t enjoy. And I loved the documentary about Mr. Rogers that came out recently so I was looking forward to seeing what this movie would show about his life. I knew it was based on a magazine article, but I didn’t research the article too much so the movie would still be a bit of a surprise for me. I did do a bit of research and read the article after watching the movie, and they did change a bit. But I don’t think they took anything away from the real story, they only added to it. I do encourage people to check out the article, but I would recommend seeing the movie first.

I don’t want to spoil things, so I’m not going to discuss the plot too much. But in my opinion, Mr. Rogers isn’t the main character. The writer of the article is really the lead and what he is able to show in his journey is so beautiful and makes the movie. I loved what they showed, and even though I know they embellished what the true story was, it added to the experience knowing it was based on something that really happened.

I went into the movie prepared to cry, and I did cry. A lot. I had tears in my eyes as soon as it started. Tom Hanks just does such an incredible job playing Mr. Rogers and you forget that you are watching someone playing someone else. It just seems so real. And I cried plenty during the movie. Sometimes it was happy tears and sometimes it was sad tears. And the closing scene made me cry too. I honestly don’t remember crying this much in other movies, but I also know I was a bit more emotional than I normally am so that might have been a factor in it. But all the tears were worth it because I really loved this movie.

There is so much sadness and negativity in the world and this movie was a great example of how you can work through that. The idea is not to ignore the negativity or to not experience it in your life. Life isn’t always perfect and we can’t expect it to be that way. But we can learn how to work with what may come our way and how to not let it bring us down or take away from good things in the world. I know I needed to be reminded of this and it was really the perfect thing for me to watch. I was able to be entertained by the movie but also take away a great life lesson. I think that makes a movie that much better.

I think that most of my friends are excited to see this movie too. And I’m sure that it will be nominated for various awards so maybe I’ll have the chance to see another screening of it or maybe I’ll be lucky and get a screener at my house for it. I know I want to watch it at least one more time because I think I’ll get something different out of it from another viewing. But even if I don’t get another chance to see it, I’m so glad I was able to see it this time.

Feeling Like Something Is Missing (or I Guess This Is Part Of The Grief Process)

Today should be my grandma’s birthday. Her birthday was something that I celebrated with her almost every year because it is so close to Thanksgiving. The tradition in my family used to be celebrating her birthday either the day before or the day after Thanksgiving with a nice dinner out. Those dinners are so clear in my memory because they were such a big tradition. I loved having that extra time to celebrate with my family since we only really get together for Thanksgiving as an extended family.

Both of my grandparents passed away about a month before their birthdays, so I went through this with my grandpa’s death as well. But because I didn’t really celebrate his birthday with him, it didn’t hit me as hard as this is hitting me. I really feel like I’m forgetting to do something and that I will need to somehow catch up. Fortunately, I remembered to turn off the alarm on my calendar to buy my grandma’s birthday card so I didn’t have that alert about a week ago. But I still feel like I should be going to the store to find the perfect card for her.

My grandma loved butterflies so almost every single card I ever got for her had butterflies on them. I tried hard to always find birthday and Mother’s Day cards that were themed with butterflies or had one on there somewhere. It seems like it’s a common thing to find on cards, so I always seemed to be able to find them. Sometimes I would find the perfect card for her birthday months in advance and I’d get it and save it. I know that my grandma loved those cards and cherished them. I don’t know if any of my cousins ever got my grandma the same card, but I’m guessing that since there aren’t a ton of grandma cards with butterflies that it happened at least once.

I missed my grandma’s birthday dinner last year because it was done the night I flew in for Thanksgiving. It was sad to miss that dinner, but I understood why it had to be that night. That felt weird enough for me, but I knew I’d get to spend some time over the next few days with my grandma to make up for it. And she understood why I wasn’t able to fly in earlier for it. I was thinking that maybe this year would be similar to last year and I would just have a feeling of missing out. But it’s harder than that for me.

I’ve shared how grieving the loss of my grandma has been taking me time to get through. I’m not trying to rush myself through the grieving process and I’m allowing myself to take the time I need and not feel weird that it’s not over. There are things that are very different for me with this death compared to other deaths in my life.

When comparing this loss with the loss of my grandpa, I was much closer to my grandma. I knew I could depend on her and it’s a loss not to have that. I also have watched my grandma decline for several years, compared to my grandpa passing away a bit more suddenly. I would think watching someone decline would make it easier to accept, but I think I just assumed she would continue that path for a bit longer. Even though it was hard to watch her become a shadow of who she used to be, there were still moments where I could see the person she was before and it was a nice reminder of who she was when I was little. And I think the way I found out about my grandma’s death has made this a long process. I had to push the sadness away for a few days because I was busy working at the convention.

I’m sure that I’m going to struggle a bit for a little longer. I’m already expecting Thanksgiving to be tough for me and my family. And I’m a bit more prepared now for having random moments of sadness and grief when I can’t figure out what exactly caused it. When I had those last month, they really took me by surprise and I didn’t exactly know what to do with them. Now that I’ve experienced it, I still will be a bit unsure what to do but they won’t be as shocking or surprising.

Being sad on my grandma’s birthday was something I was more prepared for. There are a few other dates in the future that I’m ready to struggle through. But knowing that they are coming doesn’t necessarily make them easier. I just hope that time will help the sadness be a bit less and allow me to celebrate my grandma’s incredible life on those days and not focus on the loss.

Sorry For A Quick Post (or Going Through A Tough Day)

This isn’t going to be a big post. I knew this week would be when I’m dealing with pain and nausea, but as I’m trying to write this I’m going through an exceptionally bad day. I’m fully dosed with my medications, but they aren’t taking the edge off for me. I’m lucky that I work from home because I can’t imagine trying to get anywhere right now.

I’m dealing with my usual pain and nausea, but it’s gotten extreme this time. The pain is so bad that it’s also making me nauseous. I’ve got heat packs on me to help with the pain, but it’s just a bit unbearable right now.

I was struggling a lot on Sunday as well and the only thing that was helping me was sleeping. Even though I had a good night’s sleep, I napped for about 10 hours throughout the day. The longest stretch was a 5-hour nap. When I’m asleep, sometimes the pain and nausea wake me up, but it’s much better than when I’m awake. Sunday might have been the worst day ever, but right now it’s not that much better.

I’m lucky that as I write this on Monday, I don’t have much that I have to do. It’s my day off of work so I can just focus on taking care of myself. And that’s exactly what my plan is. I’m going to be gentle and easy on myself and just do what I need to do to make it through the day. The pain and nausea should be ending for me later this week, and I’m really hoping that this is the worst of it and things get better from now until it’s gone.

Sorry for such a short and negative post, but that’s all I really could pull together for now. But I hopefully will be back to my normal posts tomorrow.

Just Keep Going (or Working Through What I Can)

I knew this past week of workouts were going to be tough for me because my nausea was going to start at some point. I try not to stress out about this happening because I know I can get through it. But it doesn’t necessarily make it easier when I’m dealing with it. All I can do is work hard where I can and modify what I can’t do so they are things I can do.

Monday’s workout was themed for Veterans Day, so we covered all the sections of the room to celebrate the strength of different military branches. So even though my class was a 2 group class, it really felt like a 3 group one. It also felt extra tough, but I think it was designed to be that way.

For cardio, we had a 12-minute distance challenge. But instead of going at our own pace for the challenge, it was coached and we had different push paces or incline work. I kept the resistance at my base level for the push and all outs, but I did work with it for the incline work. And the end of the 12-minute challenge was 90 seconds on our own so I did try to go extra fast for that section. Then we moved to the rower to finish our cardio work.

The rower was essentially a 9.5-minute row for distance. We did have different times that we did the rowing together as a group and then we had a break to do squats. But whenever the break is doing more exercise, it doesn’t feel like much of a break. I tried to not rest during the rowing, but I was getting tired toward the end and was starting to feel my form getting sloppy. So when I noticed that, I took a quick break to catch my breath and refocus so I could get back to my rowing with the correct form.

And on the floor, we had the same exercises for each block. We had low rows on the straps, squats, sit-ups, plank jacks, and leg raises. Each block had a different number of reps that we were supposed to do, but it was always the same exercises. And at the end of each block, we had a 1-minute plank hold. I did change up the order I did the exercises (sometimes doing them in the regular order and sometimes doing them in reverse order) so I was able to do all of them at least a few times. But it was still hard with the high rep counts and having the same muscles getting sore each block.

Wednesday’s workout was a power day, and I was glad because that’s when my nausea started. Power days have the most recovery time for me and I really needed it. Fortunately, my nausea wasn’t too bad that day, but it was still causing issues for me from time to time.

The cardio was really interesting. We started with a 1-minute push pace to a 1 minute all out and then a recovery. Then we kept the push pace at a minute and did rounds with a 45 second and 30 second all out (with recovery after each all out). Then we repeated the round with a 1-minute push pace and 30 second all out before working the push pace down 15 seconds each round. It was fun working with the push to all outs so many times in a row. I kept my resistance level the same each time and focused on pedaling. And I did try to keep my breaks to when we were in a recovery minute since the active time was so quick.

The rower worked along with the treadmill but we didn’t do the same thing. We started with a 300-meter row and then 15 squats after that. If we finished those and the treadmill was still not to their recovery we had to hold a squat. Each round we went down 50 meters on the rower but the plan with the squats stayed the same. I got to the squats each time, but I never finished them before the treadmills were in their recovery. So I never had to hold a static squat. But it was a lot of fast work and fast rowing and I enjoyed it.

And the floor was 1 long block with mini-blocks in it. We repeated each mini-block twice before moving on to the next one. The first mini-block had push-ups and hip hinge low rows with weights. The second mini-block had push-ups with plank work and skater lunges. And the last mini-block had child’s pose push-ups and sumo squats to high rows with weights. I did all my push-up work using the bench and I had to break up the sumo squats and high rows into 2 different moves. But for some reason, it didn’t feel like that much modification even though I had to modify over 50% of the exercises.

Friday’s workout was a signature workout. This one was Catch Me If You Can. The goal is to hit certain distances at specific times to keep going. If you are on the treadmill and you don’t make it to that distance (aka get caught), then you power walk at a high incline for the rest of the time. You want to keep running because you want to get as far as you can over the entire block.

The odd thing about doing this on the bike is that if you don’t get caught you are pedaling for distance. If you do get caught, you are doing the same thing. I was very nauseous that day and I would have worked harder to hit the distance goals if I was feeling better. But it was nice to know that I could pretty much do the same thing either way on the bike. I made it to about the halfway mark with the distances before I wasn’t hitting the goal anymore. I wasn’t trying to take too many breaks while I was still hitting the distances because each break got me closer to being caught. But once I wasn’t worried about it anymore, I allowed myself to relax a bit and go easy on myself when I needed to. I think pushing myself might have been a bit too much because the rest of my workout was harder than I thought it would be.

On the rower, we started with a 600-meter row and then 20 squats. Then it was 2 rounds of a 300-meter row and 10 squats. There were supposed to be 4 rounds of a 150-meter row with 5 squats, but I only made it through 2 rounds before the block was done. Doing the 600 and 300-meter rows were so tough on me. I really couldn’t do more than a minute of rowing before I had a really bad wave of nausea or a horrible cramp. I had to take so many breaks to let them pass before I could start rowing again. But I knew that I still had the floor work to do and I didn’t want to push myself to a point where the floor work felt impossible.

I had to do a lot of modifications on the floor. It was supposed to be a day with lots of Bosu work and I didn’t use it at all. The only things I did without modifications were skier swings with weights and y raises on the straps. We were supposed to do plank jacks and crunches on the Bosu and I did them both on the bench. And we were supposed to do back extensions, but I can’t do face down work when I’m nauseous. So I asked my coach what a good modification would be for those and he told me to do lunges instead. I was glad when this class was done because I really needed to rest and recover after it.

Saturday’s workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power. I was having another bad nausea day, but I was trying to be hopeful that maybe this would be the end of the really bad nausea days and the rest of them would be a bit easier (I guess we’ll see if that’s true this week).

For cardio, we worked with both push paces and base paces at inclines. The goal was to feel the same way with pushes and inclines because they are supposed to be equally hard on us. The first block had a 2-minute push pace as well as a 2-minute base pace at incline. The second block had the same idea but they were 1-minute intervals instead of 2. I kept the resistance level at my base level for any work that didn’t have incline and used the level between my push and all out for all incline work. I didn’t worry too much about changing up the resistance levels for the hills to feel the same throughout because the nausea makes it hard for me to judge how I really feel.

On the rower, we started with a 450-meter row. We were supposed to do lunges with hops between each row segment, but I did squats since that’s easier for me. I really don’t like having to hop out of the rower and I can do the squats by just unstrapping my feet and standing up. After the squats, the row went down 50 meters and that pattern continued the entire block. The goal was to get down to the 100-meter row before the block was done, but I was working on the 300-meter row when we were done on the rower and moving to the floor.

The floor work had 3 main exercises and then add on exercises. The 3 main ones were full thrusters with weights, plank rows, and burpees. I modified the plank rows and burpees to be using the bench and I didn’t go as all out with them as I can when I’m feeling ok. The first round we added on sit-ups which I modified to bicycle crunches. In the second round we did the sit-ups (or crunches for me) and also straight leg hip raises. I didn’t finish the third round so I never added on that exercise, but that’s ok because it was back extensions and I knew I couldn’t do those.

I know we have a benchmark coming up this week and I’m hoping I’m feeling a little better for that. And I know the nausea should be ending this week so that is something for me to look forward to. But if it’s still bad through the entire week, I know I can just do what I can and I will get through it one way or another.