I’m traveling to Sacramento again this year for Thanksgiving. Our family Thanksgiving was originally planned to be there since my grandma couldn’t travel. Since she passed away recently, we didn’t change the plans for our family. But starting next year, I think my family is going to go back to switching up where we have Thanksgiving each year.
I was so used to going to San Diego each year for a while and I have to admit that I liked Thanksgiving being there. I know that it wasn’t easy for most people in my family to get there, but it was easy for me. I didn’t necessarily love the drive down there because it could take a lot longer than normal, but driving is so much easier for me than flying. I miss it when I could just pack up my car and go without thinking too much about it. Flying takes so much more effort and planning for me.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful that I get to fly to be with my family for Thanksgiving. I’m really grateful that my parents are able to help me out with getting a ticket (since I don’t have the money for it) and that I get to spend the holiday with so many members of my family. But flying really does stress me out so much. My panic attacks with flying have gotten better to the point I don’t have to be medicated while flying, but I do still deal with a lot of panic and anxiety when I have to get on a plane.
Maybe this is because I don’t fly that often. The last time I was on a plane was a year ago for Thanksgiving last year. Maybe if I flew all the time it would feel routine for me. Or maybe it would be just as bad as it always is for me. I don’t know and I doubt I will ever fly enough to figure it out.
Before I fly, I have stress and a bit of panic with packing. When I drove to Thanksgiving, I didn’t have to think about how much I packed or how it was packed. I didn’t necessarily overpack, but I wasn’t as organized when I could put lots of things in my car. I always had a suitcase for my clothes and toiletries, but I didn’t pack everything for my trip in a suitcase. I sometimes would have a different bag for shoes because I would have a few different pairs depending on the weather and what we were going to do. I would have a bag just for my work stuff since that can take up a lot of room. I would pack presents for my family in a separate bag so they were safe and easy to get to when we exchanged presents. And I usually helped out by making some food for Thanksgiving so I would have a bag for that too. Plus my everyday purse with my normal day to day things like my wallet and what I would need when I was out and about.
There is no way I can do all that for a trip where I’m flying. I have just one carryon and one large purse that can fit my computer plus a few other personal things. I have to be very selective with what I pack for clothes, including my shoes. Fortunately, I have found a few ways I can reduce what I need to have with me to work without affecting my ability to do my job. And I have to find a way to basically fit everything into one bag that used to only be one part of what I bring with me. It’s such a dumb thing to stress me out, but it does. I’m just glad that I have it figured out and everything does fit in the suitcase I have with me. I just have to be ok with maybe not having the best outfits with me or not having all the toiletries and makeup that I’d want to bring. I guess the one positive is that my suitcase home will be easier to pack because the presents I have for my family take up a big part of the bag.
And then the entire ordeal of flying is something that stresses me out. I worry that I won’t be able to get to the airport on time. I worry that the security line will be so long that I will miss my flight. And the thing that stresses me out so much, that somehow for some reason I won’t fit in the airplane seat. This has never been an issue for me and I have flown when I weighed more than I do now. So there is no reason for me to think that somehow I won’t fit. The seats aren’t comfortable, but I don’t think most people find them comfortable. I know I will be fine flying and that I won’t have issues like not being able to get into a seat, but for some reason, this fear doesn’t go away until I am off the plane at the end of my trip. So this will be a fear I have in the back of my head the entire time I’m in Sacramento. This fear isn’t something that is determined just by my weight. When I was at my skinniest, I still had the same fear. I’m guessing this is a part of my body dysmorphia and that it will be something I will always deal with, at least a little bit.
By the time you are all reading this, I will have made it through the flight there so my packing and some of my flying stress will be done. And I’m hoping that the remaining stress and fear will be able to be pushed aside so I can enjoy the few days that I get to spend with my family and I don’t waste that time worrying about unnecessary things.
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