Posted onFebruary 28, 2019|Comments Off on National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem)
This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I know the week is almost over, but I decided to write something about this. I wasn’t going to originally, but I realized that even though I am pretty open about my eating disorder it would be wrong not to write about this week.
I don’t know exactly when my eating disorder started, but I honestly feel like I’ve had it my entire life. I remember binge episodes when I was a kid, I just didn’t know that they were anything other than me liking food. I’ve had issues with food as long as I can remember. I used to just think that it was a willpower issue or that I was weak and not able to control myself. It doesn’t help that there was very little information about binge eating disorder when I was growing up and I couldn’t really just go online to research about it. I was very educated in anorexia and bulimia and I knew that I didn’t have either of those. I recognized signs of my issues in bulimia and I actually was frustrated with myself that I couldn’t be strong enough to find a way to get rid of the food I ate.
My eating disorder wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was in my 20’s, but I already knew I had a binge eating disorder before that. I needed the official diagnosis for medical purposes, but it was just a technicality. I already knew what I had and I knew that it wasn’t just about me liking food or being fat. I had an eating disorder and I shouldn’t consider myself weak because of it.
There isn’t a lot of information yet about genetics and eating disorders. I have seen studies that show that people can have a tendency toward an eating disorder because of how they were raised, but I honestly feel like it is a genetic thing for me. If it was about how I was raised, then I don’t think it would have started so early for me. But even if it’s genetic, that doesn’t mean I can’t conquer it one day. There are people with a genetic marker for addiction and they are able to get sober. The difficulty for me is that I cannot be totally sober from food since I still have to eat to live.
These are all things I’ve written about on here before. I was terrified the first time I posted about having an eating disorder because I hadn’t been open about it with many people. I didn’t know what people would think about me once they knew I had an eating disorder. Obviously they knew I struggled with weight, but not everyone struggling with weight has an eating disorder. But I was relieved to discover that once I was open about it I was getting support from my friends. Some of my friends shared with me about their struggles with food or said they had a loved one with a binge eating disorder and didn’t know it had a name.
Being open and honest has been the best thing for me. I have gotten so much support and love from the people in my life and I don’t have to feel like I need to cover up for anything. When I am having a bad day, I can tell a friend about it. When I am out to eat and have obsessive thoughts about food, I don’t have to hide it and I can talk through the thoughts with the person I’m with. While I have been working toward recovery in many different ways, the one that I feel has made the biggest difference is not feeling alone. Finding other people going through the same thing as well as having friends who know what is happening makes me feel like this battle is not just me against the world.
So when I was debating whether or not to write about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I realized that not writing about it would possibly prevent someone else not feeling alone. While I have written about this multiple times, maybe this is the first post that someone else is reading. Or it could be toward the top of the search results when they are searching for something. I want to allow opportunities for someone to know that this is not their fault and they can get help.
If you are battling an eating disorder of any type or have someone in your life batting one, this does not have to be a solo battle. There are so many ways to get help and support and not being alone in this seems to bring the most success. You don’t have to be strong on your own to get over this. Allow yourself to accept help and know that the more people you have on your side supporting you the better off you will be.
Posted onFebruary 27, 2019|Comments Off on A Night Of Oscars (or Last Minute Costumes and Enjoying The Show)
This past Sunday was the Oscars and as always I went to the party that my friends Marie and Chris have. It’s one of their parties that I look forward to every year and it’s one of the best ones that I think they do. I love seeing people in costume and I love being around amazing people as we watch the awards. The party is the perfect mix of both of those things and that’s what makes it so special to me.
There are some years that I think of my costume for the party way in advance and there are some times that it comes together the week of the party. It just depends if something inspires me. And as soon as I saw “Incredibles 2”, I thought I’d go to the party as Edna. I did that the year the first “Incredibles” came out and I got second place in the costume contest! It was the only time I placed in the costume contest so I thought it would be the perfect repeat costume.
But someone went as Edna to the Halloween party and I decided that I wanted to do something different. I wasn’t sure what I’d do, but I figured I’d think of something. But time flew by and it was the night before the party and I still had no idea on what I wanted to go as. I had an easy idea that night and figured I could easily do it (it mainly involved wearing stickers) and I knew it wouldn’t be anything spectacular.
Then, on Oscar Sunday morning, I was doing my laundry and saw my Disney dog leggings I got a few months ago in my dresser. I remembered that “Isle of Dogs” came out in 2018 (which is the only rule for the costumes) and thought that would be so much better than my original idea. So I was going to wear the leggings and make stickers of pet store aisles to wear on my shirt. The stickers didn’t want to stick on my shirt, so I only put one on and used the others as backups for when that one fell off. It wasn’t my best costume, but it was comfortable and fun and that’s the best combination.
The decorations for the party were all about Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and they had an amazing puppet backdrop to use and they made puppets to go along with it!
There are a couple of different spaces to watch the Oscars, but I always sit in the quiet room. We talk during the commercials, but during the show we are quiet. There is sometimes something said quickly while someone is walking up to the stage, but the point of the quiet room is to be able to watch (the other spaces to watch has people talking throughout the show and the focus is being more social). We usually have the same people each year in the quiet room and we are all good at following the quiet room rules. But we also know each other well enough to be ok with the little whispers and talk that may happen.
And one thing we kept discussing was the show. There was so much in the press about how this show was the first one without a host in a long time and there were people wondering how it was going to go. And we all kept saying how much we were enjoying it without a host. I feel like the presenters had more opportunities to be funny and have little bits and the show still seemed to move quickly. It only ended about 15 minutes late, which isn’t bad compared to other years.
And we also were discussing how happy we were that they didn’t give any of the Oscars during the commercial breaks. Originally, 4 of the awards were going to be done during the commercials so we wouldn’t be seeing them while watching the show. They were going to have them online, but that’s not the same. The Academy reversed their decision and I’m so glad that they did it. I thought it was a bad decision to not air all the awards because everyone equally deserves to be honored the same way when they win.
And honestly, I felt more inspired watching the speeches for some of the awards that were going to be during the commercials than I did for some of the bigger awards. I love seeing people who are truly passionate about what they do be recognized for their hard work. I especially love seeing the winners of the short animated film, short live action, short documentary, and feature length documentary because I know that many times those films are passion projects. They don’t necessarily create these films to try to win an award. They do it because they had a story they wanted to tell and they went out and did it. And when they win you can see the pure joy and excitement on their faces. It’s really amazing to watch and I’m so glad I didn’t have to watch it online later to experience that.
Overall, I felt like the show was a really good one. Going without a host worked well, the winners for the most part were who I wanted and the speeches they gave were good, and I had a great time with my friends. I did get a few votes in the costume contest, but I knew I wasn’t going to win. The winners had really incredible costumes and I can’t compete with those. I was in the top 5 for guessing the winners of all the awards which was better than I expected to do. So many of my guesses were random so it was just lucky I did that well.
I realized while watching the Oscars that there have been a lot of films I missed. I’m trying to find ways to catch up on some of them now, and I’ve already been able to watch the winner of the short documentary on Netflix. There’s no rush for me to catch up on them, but I do want to make an effort to try just so I can see what made all of those projects awesome. It will be some good entertainment between customers when it gets slower at my job later this year.
Posted onFebruary 26, 2019|Comments Off on A Family Disney Day (or Rain, Cold, And More Rides Than We Expected)
Back at Thanksgiving, my cousin mentioned to me that her daughter was going to be performing with her dance group at Disneyland in February. I wrote down the dates that they would be in town and said that I’d love to meet up with them while they were here. They ended up getting flights that landed at LAX instead of Orange County, so when they flew in I was able to meet up with my cousin and her daughter for dinner that night. And we made plans to meet up at Disneyland the next day.
My cousin told me that the performance was going to be at 2:30, so I took some time off of work so I could make it for that. Between traffic and the parking lot taking time to get through, I was terrified that I would miss the performance. But by some miracle, I was able to get into the park and join my cousin to watch her daughter perform. I made it there only a minute or two before she went on, and I felt so lucky that I didn’t miss it.
While we were waiting for my cousin’s daughter to come out after the performance, it started to rain. I had seen that there was a chance of rain in the forecast, but it was saying just sprinkles and only for a brief time. This rain was a pretty heavy storm and we found an umbrella by the entrance of a ride that we could wait under. We still got a bit wet, but it saved us from being completely soaked.
To avoid the rain, we went over to the Animation Building so we could do the Animation Academy and see Turtle Talk. A lot of people had the same idea as us and it was so crowded inside there. But the space was big enough that we were able to get into both things without too much hassle.
When we were done, we went back outside and the rain was finally done. It was really cold, but we were able to dry off a bit when we were inside so that helped. I can’t imagine how bad it would have been if we were drenched and it was that cold out.
Then it was time for us to go on some rides. We started with Guardians of the Galaxy, which my cousin and her daughter went on earlier as well. Fortunately, they like all the big and crazy rides so they were happy to ride on it again with me.
After that, my cousin and her daughter had a ride time for Toy Story Mania with their MaxPass, but I didn’t have a time. But that worked out perfectly because we noticed there wasn’t a big line at the Lamplight Lounge and I was able to wait for a table for us for dinner while they rode the ride! By the time they came back, our table was just about ready. We were seated outside downstairs and it was a bit cold. They did have heat lamps which helped.
After dinner it was time for what we thought would be our last 2 rides of the night. We went on The Little Mermaid and Radiator Springs Racers.
After those rides, California Adventure was going to be closing soon and we were all getting a bit tired. But I mentioned to my cousin that it might be a good time to do Space Mountain together since we rarely get to be at Disneyland together. We decided to head over to the Disneyland side to ride that and when we were done we noticed that the Jungle Cruise was pretty much a walk-on. I love Jungle Cruise at night so of course we had to do that. And when we were getting off that ride, Indiana Jones opened up after being closed for a while and that was a walk-on as well. Again, we had to take advantage of that and we got another unexpected ride in.
I ended up being at Disneyland for about 8 hours and we did 6 rides (plus 2 show type things and dinner). I wasn’t planning on being there that long or that late, but I was having so much fun. I rarely get to see my cousin outside of Thanksgiving and we always have fun together. And of course, I always love being at Disneyland and getting to have fun there. By the time I got home, it was about 3 hours later than I thought I’d be home and I knew it would affect me the next day, but it was totally worth it.
I would have loved to have gone back to Disneyland the next day to hang out with my cousin and her daughter more and I actually debated doing that. But I knew it wouldn’t be the best thing for me to do and my cousin mentioned that they had dinner plans that night so I wouldn’t have been able to spend too much time with them.
I think we totally took advantage of the time we had there. We ended up doing so much more than we thought we’d do and we had the best time. The last time I was at Disneyland with my cousin was when her daughter was a baby, but I’m hoping that we can do this again much sooner than how long it had been before.
Posted onFebruary 25, 2019|Comments Off on A Week Of Getting Back To Normal (or Still Dealing With The Same Old Issues)
This past week of workouts went well for me. While I was finally able to work out normally again after getting my stitches out, it didn’t mean that I was completely free of all workout related issues. I still had some random issues I had to deal with, but they are all ones that I’m used to. I would love to have a week where I have absolutely no workout related issues to deal with, but that may never become a reality for me.
Monday’s workout was my last workout with the stitches in, and I was so glad it was the last one. I was tired of having the random pain in my face and having to be careful about how heavy I was lifting because I didn’t want to put any tension on my face. This workout was a power switch day so we were moving around the room quickly and often.
When we were doing cardio, it was a mix of different little cardio blasts. Sometimes we had a push pace with a base pace before an all out and sometimes it was just push pace to all out. They were all about 2 or 2 1/2 minutes long so we were never on there too long. I was using my old resistance levels on the bike because of the issues I was having with the stitches, but I was pedaling much faster than before so that was a sign of improvement.
On the rower, we started with a 2 1/2 minute row for distance and then every time on the rower we based things off of that distance. To make things easy for me I just used 500 meters as the distance so it was easier to remember. Each time on the rower, we rowed 100 meters less than the last time and then we held a static squat until we switched. The rows weren’t all sprint rows, but they were all able to be done pretty quickly and I was always holding my squat for a good chunk of time.
And on the floor, we had the same thing every time we were there. We had a roll out on the straps, high row on the straps, hip hinge low rows with weights, plank jacks, and burpees to bicep curls. I really struggled with the burpees that day (even more than normal), so I wasn’t always doing them each time I was on the floor. I also had to split up the burpees and bicep curls into 2 different things instead of a continuous exercise. But I was getting through everything else much easier than I had before and I was happy that it wasn’t a ton of floor work that I knew would make me put tension in my face.
Wednesday’s workout was a benchmark day. We had the 12 minute run for distance. I haven’t done a lot of benchmark distance challenge on the bike so I was excited to see what I could do. I was finally feeling better with the stitches out and I knew that I could really push myself on the bike.
The idea was to just get as far as possible in those 12 minutes. I started at my push resistance level and realized that I wouldn’t be able to maintain that for a majority of the time and any time after that might be affected by me being tired from the higher resistance level. So after the first minute, I used the resistance level between my base and push and made my focus pedaling as quickly as I could. I know that the baseline for me on the bike is 1 trip every 2 1/2 minutes but I can sometimes go closer to 2 minutes when it’s a quick sprint. But this wasn’t a sprint so I knew not to go too hard in the beginning to try to get that faster time. I was hoping to do 5 trips since that would still be faster than my baseline and was so happy when I did 5.5.
When I was on the rower, I had to go a bit slow to recover but that’s what our coach expected us to do. We started with a 4 minute row for distance and had to remember the distance. I used 800 meters to make it easy to remember. Then we cut the distance in half and had mini-band front arm raises. Each time we were on the rower we went down 100 meters. Even though I was trying to be easy to recover from the distance challenge on the bike, I was still going harder and faster on the rower than I had the past week.
And on the floor, we had one long block. We had single arm hollow hold chest presses, half getups, double crunches with weights, plank pull throughs with weights, and alligators on the straps. I was finally able to use my more normal weights and I could feel it in my body that I had been going easy on myself for a week. It was a little surprising how much I felt the difference when the weights I was using were the ones I was using not that long ago, but I did. I thought about going down in the weights, but I realized that it was a struggle to do them and not that I was doing sloppy form because of the weights so I kept them the same. It really did feel good to be back to what feels more normal to me and I’m so glad that I was able to get some awesome stuff done in that workout.
Friday’s workout was a serious struggle for me. I was at Disneyland the day before (that post is coming this week) and I woke up Friday morning having a horrible hip day. I know that workouts will always be tough when I have those days, but this workout was a class filled with burpees. I was not in a good headspace walking into class because I was already anticipating how hard it was going to be, and it pretty much went how I expected.
It was also a tornado class which means we switch very quickly. We had 6 laps around the room (18 blocks) and the first lap was 3 minutes long and all the rest were 1 minute. If the class wasn’t a tornado, it probably would have been worse, so that probably made things a bit better than they could have been.
For cardio, the first block was a push pace, base pace, push pace, and all out. And the other 5 blocks were all 1 minute all outs. I used my old resistance levels on the bike but even those were a struggle for me. On the rower, the first block was rounds of 10 strokes for distance and 5 recovery strokes. And the other 5 blocks were 1 minute all out rows. The rowing was a bit easier than the bike, but because of the hip pain it was hard sitting down and getting up from the rower. Fortunately we had about a minute to switch every time so I didn’t have to rush too much.
And the floor was almost all burpees. The first block was burpees and squats since it was longer, but all the other blocks were just 1 minute of doing a type of burpee. We had full burpees, reverse burpees, burpees with shoulder taps, burpees with lunges, and push ups to plank jacks (which are just like a burpee except you don’t have to stand up). I used the bench for my hands for all the burpees but I still occasionally had to step back and not jump back. I went slow and took breaks because even 1 minute was too long for me at times, but I did it. It wasn’t my best work and I know it didn’t look pretty, but sometimes that’s all you can hope for out of a workout on a tough day.
Saturday felt like the most normal day of the week for me. I didn’t have issues with my stitches and I didn’t have a ton of hip pain. I did have a little bit of nausea to deal with, but it was very minor and I didn’t even have to take medication to manage it. It was a strength based workout so that meant hills/high resistance levels on the bike and I was ready to challenge myself a bit.
For cardio we had 2 blocks and the idea for both blocks was to have longer hill work each time. We had a range of incline/resistance levels we could use and I tried to go a bit higher than I have for the past week or so. The shorter the hill work was, the higher we were supposed to be with the incline/resistance level. For the 2 shorter ones, I was higher than my typical all out resistance level which was good. And I did the longest hill at my normal all out level which I usually can’t hold for more than a minute. I was surprised that I did so well because I had been going easy on myself for so long.
On the rower, we had all sprint rows. We started with a 300 meter row and then we had 10 frogger squats. Next was a 200 meter row with frogger squats and a 100 meter row with frogger squats. We repeated the 300, 200, and 100 meter rows again but with lunges between. We were supposed to do the row distances again with squats between the rows, but I was working on the last 300 meter row when the block ended.
And on the floor, we had drop sets which means we do a low number of reps with a higher weight for an exercise immediately followed by a higher number of reps with a lower weight. For the first block we had shoulder press drop sets and the second block we had deadlift drop sets. The first block also had sit-ups and hip bridges and the second block also had leg lifts and crunches.
Considering how easy I went on myself the week before, I was so happy that I was able to get back to my normal work and even sometimes do a bit better than normal. It’s always nice when I can prove to myself that taking an easy week doesn’t have to be a setback. And I think that having new issues has made the normal issues I deal with during my workouts a bit easier for me to tolerate. Of course, I say that now when my nausea isn’t that bad. This week and next week will likely be my bad nausea weeks and I’m hoping that they aren’t too horrible. But if they are, I know what I need to do.
Posted onFebruary 22, 2019|Comments Off on Another Round Of A Repeat Musical (or Seeing A Show A Different Way)
With this season at the Pantages being a lot of shows I’ve seen before, I’ve been enjoying seeing how a show connects with me now versus how it connected to me in the past. With many of the repeat shows, they are shows I saw at a different venue and with a different theater group (sometimes community theater versus professional tours) so that is what the focus has been for me when I reflect back on it. But when I’m seeing a show again at the same venue and with the same caliber of performers, I focus on different things.
This week, my group saw “Kinky Boots”.
I saw this show for the first time a little over 4 years ago when it was in my first season that I did at the Pantages. When I saw it the first time, I loved the show and I think I also was still on a high from being so excited that I had season tickets to see more musicals. It really was a great decision for me to get that first season and I know that I was always just so happy that I was seeing anything. There were some shows I liked more than others, but every show was extra magical because I was seeing shows again after not seeing musicals for so long.
And I did enjoy “Kinky Boots” just as much this time as I did 4 years ago. It’s such a fun show and the songs are awesome. I loved this show for so many reasons the first time and I think I loved it for many of those reasons again this time. We were watching the show from the balcony instead of our usual orchestra seats, but being further away from the stage didn’t take away from the show. While I like being able to see the faces clearly of the actors, it’s fun seeing the stage in full when you are further back too.
Out of the 4 of us in our group, 2 of us had seen the show before (my friend Dani was the one who got me in the first time I had season tickets so she saw it then). But the other 2 hadn’t seen the show and I was excited to see their reactions. And I think they loved it just as much as I did. It really is a great show and I think the performers were so talented.
But we all also had a few weird reactions to a few moments in the show. After the Me Too movement and becoming more aware of harassment that I might have brushed off in the past, we all noticed moments in the show that just didn’t sit right with us. I know that shows cannot change with the times and that the writers didn’t mean anything negative or sexist from it, but it was interesting to see how I didn’t notice those moments before. I have become more and more aware of how I have thought things were wrong but normal and now looking back I’ve realized they were not normal and not acceptable. And yes, there is a part of the show that has to be homophobic as lesson to the other characters and that was fine. But there were just little things that I think we all picked up on that just made us think a bit more.
I know that there are so many musicals that I have looked back on and realized that I didn’t think much about a line or an action and now I realize that it is something that I wouldn’t consider acceptable in real life. This is just a sign of how times have changed and not a reflection of what things should be like now. I’m curious to see if I have that feeling about the next few repeat shows I have this season. I have a feeling that I will because there are things I have said out loud when describing the show that made me stop and try to explain why it was that way.
Even with those few moments that made me think or took me by surprise that I didn’t think about it last time, it was still an awesome night out. It was fun that we happened to be there on the opening night of the show for LA (our original tickets were on Oscar Sunday and we didn’t want to be stuck in all the street closures). And sitting up in the balcony was also really fun since that’s not something we do that often. We will have a few more shows in the balcony this season because we have changed the dates of our tickets a few times as well as being seated up there for the add-on shows we did. We are still debating about renewing for next season, but now we are also considering seeing if we can move our tickets to the balcony if we do renew. We’ve had our seats on the side of the orchestra for so long and it might be a fun change to be somewhere new. I guess I’ll have to see what happens if we do decide to do the next season.
Posted onFebruary 21, 2019|Comments Off on Another Story About A Tumor (or I Guess I Was Misdiagnosed For Over 15 Years)
I wasn’t originally planning on writing about getting my stitches out from the surgery with my dermatologist. I have gotten stitches out before and while they can hurt it’s not a big deal. And I had been able to see for the past few days that the scar was healing really nicely and that it wouldn’t be a big deal. I was so happy that everything was going smoothly and was just ready for the stitches to be out so I could move on.
I knew when my doctor did the procedure, they sent it off to pathology to figure out what was removed. I had been told for over 15 years that this was a wart, but I questioned it since it wasn’t responding to treatment. I knew it was very unlikely to be anything bad like skin cancer since it hasn’t changed much over the years and no other doctors seemed worried about it. But my new dermatologist was sure it wasn’t a wart and he wanted to know what it was. Even though he kept saying it couldn’t be a wart, I was feeling certain that it was but it was some sort of rare one that didn’t respond to treatments. So while I was curious to get the pathology report, I wasn’t expecting much.
I got my stitches out on Tuesday and my doctor was very pleased with how everything was looking. My scar is healing really nicely and it should be almost invisible in a year or so. Even now with it being a fresh scar, it looks so tiny and it’s significantly less noticeable compared to what it was before. I had been told to use Vaseline on my stitches at least twice a day, and I went overboard with that and used it maybe 10 times a day. My doctor said doing that really helped the healing and to make it look as good as it does so far. And he told me to keep doing that for about 3 months to keep the scar from healing weird and being obvious.
After the stitches came out, then it was finally time to hear what pathology said. I thought I’d know before my appointment, but they only finished the results right before I went in. And my doctor was right, I didn’t have a wart.
It turns out, the bump on my face was a trichilemmoma. It sounds scary, but it’s basically a benign tumor of the hair follicle. It’s not common, but it’s not rare either. And while it can be a symptom of some other issues, for me it was just random. And the only way to get rid of them is to have the surgery that I had, so I’m glad that’s what we did instead of just a basic biopsy. Now that it’s gone, my doctor said it’s about a 95% chance it will never occur again there or in another spot. It really was just random and it’s done now.
When I found out that it was a benign tumor, I had to laugh. Until recently, I didn’t have much personal experience with tumors. Since I learned about my liver tumors, my idea of what a tumor is has changed. Even though I knew not all tumors were cancerous, having experience with non-cancerous tumors has made the word much less scary for me. So I wasn’t worried at all when I was told it was a tumor. It just was funny that of course I had yet another random medical issue.
And while I have had multiple dermatologists tell me over the years that it was a wart, I don’t blame any of them for misdiagnosing me. I’ve had other things in my life that were misdiagnosed and it’s never been the doctor’s fault. They can only use the evidence in front of them to figure out what might be the diagnosis. A majority of the time, they are right. Sometimes they are not. And I’ve never thought that they were bad doctors when they were wrong.
What does frustrate me is that I wasn’t a better health advocate for myself. I know what other doctors have done and what things haven’t been working. I could have said more about how often I’ve tried to correct this and the treatments didn’t work. I had one doctor previously offer to do a biopsy, but I didn’t push for it and I wish that I had. We would have figured out right after that was done that it was this benign tumor and I would have saved a few years of things not working. I can’t go back and change what happened, but I can use this as a reminder in the future that I should be less afraid to tell a doctor that I don’t think that enough is being done. That doesn’t guarantee anything would change, but I can make sure they hear me and my concerns.
For now, I’m just glad that this is done. I’m very optimistic about how the scar will look as it fades and I’m so happy that when it’s a bit less red than it is right now that I won’t always be worried if I remembered to put concealer on my face to cover it up (which is something I stressed about when I had the bump). I’m excited to have this as a thing in my past and be just another funny medical story I can share from time to time.
Posted onFebruary 20, 2019|Comments Off on It’s Been A Weird Food Week (or Trying Not To Think Too Much About This)
Since I had the procedure last week, I have been on a weird diet. I was prepared that I might be in a lot of pain the day or so after and that I probably wouldn’t want to have to chew food. I wasn’t expecting to have my jaw hurt for so many days as well as have difficulty opening my mouth all the way because of where the stitches are. I haven’t been able to chew food properly since getting the stitches in and I’ve pretty much been on a liquid diet for a week.
I’ve done different forms of liquid diets in the past. I had the medically supervised one I did over 10 years ago when I lost a ton of weight. I’ve occasionally had to do liquid diets when I have different dental issues or when I was sick. I try to have some sense of variety in it, but I’m usually just having different types of smoothies or protein shakes and soup. It’s not the most ideal thing to do, but when it’s not easy to eat solid food it’s what I have to do.
I know there are a bunch of ways I could make a liquid diet unhealthy or how someone could gain weight from it. That’s not usually the case for me. This past week, the first few days were actually a struggle to eat because of the pain I was in. Once my appetite came back, things were a bit easier for me but I was still limited in what I could have. I still was eating pretty much the same thing I was having before and I was trying to be cautious about the quality of what I was eating.
I know that I was not getting enough calories in each day and because of that I lost weight. Losing weight is a good thing for me, but I don’t want to lose weight this way. This is how I lost it when I was on the medically supervised diet and I know it’s not a sustainable lifestyle. Eating how I’ve been eating for the past week isn’t sustainable either. But it’s hard not to be a little optimistic about losing weight this easily and to be swayed that maybe I should do this.
Even though my eating disorder is not about restriction, I do think that all eating disorders are related and that it might be easy to switch from one to another. I don’t want to get into a restrictive mindset and form a different set of bad habits. It’s hard not to want to keep doing this when I see results, but I know that eventually the results won’t keep happening and that I might think I need to restrict even more to keep going. I can see the slippery slope of how things can get really bad and I’m actively thinking about avoiding that.
But on the other hand, I do want to at least maintain the progress I’ve had this past week. I have had other times where I had to be on restricted food for one reason or another and then when I could eat normally again I gained back everything I had lost. I am currently doing one of the Orangetheory Transformation Challenges and while I’m not doing anything too crazy diet-wise I also don’t want to gain weight during this challenge. I always struggle with finding the balance in my food and I know that balance is also finding the middle between this restricted diet and what I normally eat. I wish that my stomach would shrink super easily and it would be difficult to stretch, but I think I’m the opposite.
I am trying to celebrate the weight loss I had while not putting too much thought into how I got them and putting too much on what I did to see the results. I would love if this time is the time that I am able to make the change, but I’m also realistic. I hate that there is a very high chance that I will gain back what I lost and that I will be back to my old diet and have binges again. One day things will click in my head and will change and maybe that’s now. But I’ve also learned enough from this happening multiple times before that I can’t get too down if that doesn’t happen and I can’t be too focused on the results from this weird food week.
Posted onFebruary 19, 2019|Comments Off on Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)
It still surprises me that I’m learning new things all the time with all the adventures I have with dating. I would love to be done learning, but even if I found the person I wanted to spend my life with I feel like I would still learn new things about myself. But with dating, I seem to find new life lessons in the uncomfortable parts of life and that’s probably a good thing for me. I had 2 realizations over the past few days about dating that could potentially be beneficial for me in life.
The first one is one that I knew I needed to learn and that was how to get over feeling heartbroken or betrayed. I’ve talked about this before and said how I wished that dating rejection felt like the rejections I get with acting. For some reason, I can get over not booking a job pretty easily but I can’t get over being rejected or ghosted the same way. I never would want to learn how to get over feeling so upset over something ending or not happening, it is something I need to learn how to do.
I feel like there is only one person who has gotten close to breaking my heart. They took advantage of my openness and betrayed me and I didn’t think I would ever give them a second chance. But I did and they hurt me even more than they did the first time. I know that his rejection had very little to do with me and was a lot about issues he has, but it still brought up feelings that I don’t deal with well. While I know I am worthy of being loved, having someone close to me tell me otherwise while I was growing up is stuck in my head. And when I was rejected I immediately went to the thought that I was stupid for thinking I deserved to be treated the way I wanted. I know I didn’t deserve what I got, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.
I shared my feelings in a dating Facebook group that I’m in and I am so grateful for the women in that group because they really helped me work out some things. And they also had amazing advice. A few people recommended the Mend app, and I decided to download it and give it a chance.
While Mend is meant for getting over a breakup, it really helped me a lot with my feelings of being betrayed. And one of the things a friend helped me realize was that my feelings also had a lot to do with me having to accept that I will not have the answers I want. And Mend went into this idea a lot too! I only did the free 7 days, but I’m debating about trying it longer because it really got me into a better mindset about rejection with dating.
And I got to experience this new mindset this past weekend when I had a second date with someone. He and I seemed to really connect and get along and things were going well. But then it was like there was a switch that went off and he immediately said he had to leave. I don’t know what happened (and I have gone over things in my head a few times to see if I can think of something), but whatever happened was something that clearly made him want to end the date. He said it had nothing to do with me, but I really don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again. I did text him since that date, but I’ve heard nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be ghosted.
I hate being ghosted because if I’m not interested in seeing someone again I will tell them and not leave them wondering. But I know that not everyone is willing to be honest about that. Being ghosted sucks and there have been other guys I’ve gone out with a few times that have ghosted me and really hurt me. But this time, I don’t care as much as I did before. If he’s going to ghost me, there’s not reason I should worry about it because I don’t want to date someone who would treat anyone that way. It’s so weird to not be worried about if he will text me again or not, but I also love it since this is what I’ve wanted to figure out for so long!
While dealing with being hurt and rejected is a really good life skill to have, this other thing I figured out this weekend isn’t necessarily as good. When I started dating again a few years ago, I tolerated some really horrible dates. I didn’t want to be rude and leave a date that I was not enjoying so I suffered through them. I always want to be polite and staying through a bad date seemed like the polite thing to do.
I’ve been getting better at leaving dates that I’m not enjoying, but it’s usually because I find a good way to have an out. Either the guy will say something that is really offensive and I feel like I can walk out or I can have a reasonable excuse to leave. I know that I don’t need an excuse and I should be able to just walk out, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.
But I did have another date recently that I was able to leave quickly even without a good excuse. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to meet this guy, but I decided to go for it because some people just aren’t good over text. And when we met up, I immediately knew that my gut was right and this date was a waste of time. Fortunately, I usually plan first dates to be something I can easily escape like getting coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol). This time, I was supposed to meet him for a drink, but it was so crowded that we went for a walk instead.
We only walked about 2 blocks and it felt like miles. The date was horrible, the conversation was going nowhere, and I was just wanting to go home. When we walked past where I parked my car, I told him that my car was parked in that lot and that I needed to head home. I think he wasn’t really enjoying the date either so I didn’t have to give him an excuse, but if I needed to I would have just said I wasn’t feeling chemistry. The date only lasted 10 minutes and I was so grateful to be out of there.
I don’t know if getting out of bad dates is necessarily a good life skill, but I can see how it could be. By trying to always be polite, I’ve put myself in situations that I wanted to get out of and felt stuck in. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be afraid to be a bit rude if I know I need to leave. It’s still a fine line between being willing to be rude to leave and learning to tolerate things I have to, but I’m getting better at finding that line.
I am glad I have gotten better at dealing with rejection since that is something that I have wanted to work on for so long. I know that I will still struggle with it from time to time, but I am happy I have a resource I know I can turn to when I need help. And if I do continue to use Mend, perhaps I will continue to build that skill set so the next time I’m rejected I will hear those ideas louder than the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve love or respect.
Posted onFebruary 18, 2019|Comments Off on A Low Key Workout Week (or Working Through The Stitches)
I knew this past week of workouts was going to be a weird one. I knew that 3 of the workouts would be while I had the stitches and I had no idea how it would affect me. But I was prepared for it to be bad and I think that preparation did help. It wasn’t an easy week to work out and it was hard in ways that I wasn’t expecting it to be, but the preparation to make it an easier week helped me not feel too bad about what I could and couldn’t do.
Monday’s workout was a strength based class, and I will be honest that I wasn’t in it 100%. I was still dealing with the end of my nausea, but that was only a little part of my distraction. Even though I have said I was excited to have the surgery with my dermatologist, I was nervous the day of. I knew it would be fine, but I just wasn’t looking forward to needles and potential pain and I know that it made me not focus completely on my workout.
The workout was a switch format so I was at each section of the room for 6 minutes before switching (we did 2 full rounds around the room). For cardio, we started with a 90 second push pace and then we had rounds of 30 second push or all out paces but with added incline/resistance levels. I was able to use my new push and all out resistance levels and even went above that for the hill work. It wasn’t my highest resistance levels I’ve used, but it was up there. Even though my focus wasn’t totally in the workout, I usually do zone out a bit on the bike since I don’t have to focus on it as much as the treadmill. So I wasn’t affected too much for cardio, even though I still know I could have done better.
For the rower, the first block we started with a 250 meter row and then we had lunges with tricep extensions using a medicine ball. Each time we returned to the rower we went down 50 meters but the lunges stayed the same. And for the second block on the rower, we had the same format but the exercise between the rows was a squat twist with the medicine ball. I feel like I struggled the most with my lack of focus on the rower. I wasn’t able to get my wattage up to where it usually is when I’m having an off day and things were just taking me so long to do.
On the floor, the first block was lower body focused with mini-band work. We had forward walks, lateral walks, and toe reaches all with the mini-band on our legs. My hips were starting to get a bit sore with the lateral walks, but I also know that my feet weren’t totally straight (my natural stance is with my feet pointed out) and I think that might have made my hip hurt more than it should have. And the second block was all upper body focuses with shoulder presses, bicep curls, shoulder raises, and upper cuts. I went with medium heavy weights for the weighted work, but they felt like they were heavier than I’ve ever used before. I don’t know what was causing it to be so hard, but I really think the focus issue was the main culprit.
The rest of my workouts this past week were affected by having the skin surgery Monday afternoon. I figured I would be sore after and that would make me need to go a bit easier with the workouts. But there were a few other factors that ended up affecting me too. First, because of where the incisions and stitches are, I can’t really move my face too much. I figured this wouldn’t be an issue in a workout but then I realized when I lift heavy weights I have tension in my face. So I had to go light with the weights. Also, because of the pain in my jaw, I wasn’t eating regular food for the first few days. I was doing all liquids and I know my calorie count was way too low. I didn’t have the same energy I normally do and I had to take breaks when I was feeling lightheaded. I really tried my best, but I also know that everything I did the rest of the week was affected by this.
Wednesday’s workout was endurance, strength, and power and it was the first workout after getting the stitches. I was so paranoid that I was going to do damage to my face somehow and I really was cautious. For the cardio, I did my old resistance levels on the bike but didn’t do any additional resistance levels when we had hill work. I just kept using my old push pace level and not worrying about anything else.
On the rower, the first block we had started with a 150 meter row and squats with front presses with a medicine ball. We repeated that until the block was done and I didn’t do too horribly with it. The second block was 30 second all out rows with the same squats with recovery between. Again, I wasn’t doing too horribly with the rowing and that was probably the part of the workout I was able to work the hardest during.
On the floor, we had one long block. We had lunges with weights, lunges without weights, tricep extensions, plank jacks, and squats. It was during the triceps that I discovered that I had to go easy on the weights to not hurt my face (that is the weirdest thing, but it’s exactly what the situation was). I still feel like I was using decent weights, but I wasn’t working as hard as I am used to.
Friday’s workout was a strength class, and while I was in less pain and more used to having to be easy with the weights this was the workout where the lack of food hit me the hardest. I never thought I would pass out or anything, but it was very strange realizing that my stomach was so empty during class.
The cardio had 2 blocks with hill work. The first block had a 30 second hill, 60 second hill, and 90 second hill and the second block had a 90 second hill and 2 minute hill. I went very easy on the resistance levels for the hills and ended up staying between my base and all out resistance levels. It felt hard because of me being tired, but I probably could have done a bit more if I really tried.
The rower started with a 1000 meter row. This terrified me, but somehow I managed to do it without needing a break in the middle. After that we were supposed to do 100 jumping jacks. I made it through 50 and knew I couldn’t do more. Then we had a 500 meter row and more jumping jacks and some squats. I just did the squats and when I finished those the time was called so I didn’t make it through any other rounds.
The floor was 2 block and it was upper body based. The first block was a chest press, single arm low row with weights, and heel touches. And the second block was hollow hold single arm chest press, double crunches, and plank work. I was prepared to use easier weights this time which helped and I got through 2 rounds of all the exercises each block.
Saturday’s workout was the closest to normal I felt the entire week. I was still dealing with being a bit tired due to not eating enough and I knew I would have to be easy with the weights so I didn’t put stress in my face, but it was still so much closer to normal. It was an endurance workout, but because of how some things were done it felt closer to a power day for me.
For cardio, we had multiple rounds of 2.5 minute distance challenges. The first time, we were supposed to be in a push pace the entire time. Then as we did each round, we had a base pace to start the distance challenge. That would require us to go harder during the push to be able to match the distance each time. I was using my normal base resistance and my old push resistance on the bike to take it easy and I didn’t do any all out resistance levels. I was pedaling hard and was able to match my distance each time, but I wasn’t working as hard as normal.
On the rower, we stared with a 2.5 minute row for distance. After that, we had lunges with tricep work using the medicine ball. Then we went back to the rower and were supposed to go 100 meters less than what we did in 2.5 minutes and keep repeating the pattern. Even though I went further than 500 meters in the 2.5 minute challenge, I decided to use that as the distance to measure from so the math was a bit easier for me. I did much better on the rower than I had done before and didn’t need the breaks I thought I would need. I still wasn’t rowing as hard as I could because I could feel the stitches pulling a bit from me tensing my face, but I just tried to find what was the line between going hard and going too hard.
And on the floor, we had 3 blocks. The first block was a core blast with mountain climbers, toe reaches, leg lifts, and sit-ups. This block went well because I got to rest a bit from the rowing and it wasn’t hard for me with any of the issues I had been dealing with. The next block was a mini-band block with squats to leg lifts and forward walks using the bands. And the last block was a weight block with skier swings and lunges. I had to go easy on the weights to not have any strain on my face, but I was not that much lower than I normally use.
Considering how worried I was about how this past week would go, I was pretty proud of myself. I did encounter issues I wasn’t expecting, but I quickly figured out what I needed to do and I worked around what I couldn’t work through. The next few weeks are going to be a bit weird for me. This week I will have the stitches in for one workout and I don’t know yet if I will have any issues or restrictions to deal with when the stitches are out but the incision is still healing. And then the 2 weeks after this I will not be doing my normal workout schedule due to some things I have planned. I do think I found a way to still get in my 4 workouts each week, but there is a chance it might only be 3. I just have to play it by ear and see how things go.
Posted onFebruary 15, 2019|Comments Off on Pain Distracts From Other Pain (or The Rain Isn’t Too Bad This Time)
LA is pretty spoiled with our weather, but lately we have had multiple storms hitting us with several days of rain. I know the rain is a good thing and LA and the entire state needs it, but I also miss our normal sunny weather. It is true that so many LA drivers have no idea how to drive in the rain and the roads can be scary with people driving crazy. I also don’t love having to do my errands in the rain like my laundry because I don’t want to get an umbrella out just to cross my driveway nor do I like being wet. I’m aware that this is not a great quality that I have, but I blame it on not having to deal with rain often while growing up. I missed creating good rainy weather habits and skills.
But the main thing I dislike about the rain is that is usually causes me quite a bit of hip pain. I’ve been dealing with this since I had my hip surgery, and I was expecting it to happen after the surgery. I know that people who have broken bones have issues with pain during the rain, and my hip surgery basically caused a broken bone on the top of my femur. The pain can be pretty bad sometimes and make me even less motivated to get out of my house and do anything.
Fortunately, with how infrequent the rain is here, I don’t deal with this too often. And when I do, I’m usually grateful to have a day that is requiring me to slow down and be lazy. I know I can forget to take time for myself sometimes, and having this days of pain are a reminder to take care of myself and that sometimes it’s ok to not do anything. I also continuously am grateful that I work from home because my days of pain don’t affect my ability to work. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to be in an office for work and how I would deal with the pain. I remember it occasionally being an issue at past jobs, but I also think I was taking painkillers more often than I do now.
Sometimes the pain isn’t too bad and I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had a lot of horrible days with all the recent storms. Maybe it’s because there have been so many storms back to back so my body doesn’t have to deal with as many weather fluctuations. Or maybe with the back to back rain it just gets easier to deal with (or I’m getting more used to it). But the other idea I have is that right now it isn’t as bad because I have other pain going on and it’s distracting me.
The pain in my face has been getting better every day, but it’s still not great. My jaw looks and feels very swollen and it’s not easy to do a lot of things. I’m slowly introducing soft foods back into my diet after being on liquid things only for a few days. I also am starting to notice some bruises around the incision and I think that’s probably a good sign of this healing nicely. I’ve got a few more days with the stitches in and I’m ready for them to be out. They are weird and I am very paranoid that things aren’t going right with them. But I know I’m fine and just acting crazy.
Pain is never fun for me, but it is a regular part of my life. I don’t know if that will ever change and I don’t expect it to. I just get to learn how to be better at managing it. And this time, my pain management is other pain and I am getting a kick out of that. I don’t know how often I’d be hoping for pain, but it’s a nice thing for me right now. And hopefully by next week, I’ll be out of pain because both the rain is done and my face will be more healed. I’m a little worried about pain after the stitches come out, but I know that it will probably be much easier than the pain I had when they went in. And then I can focus on making the scar fade as quickly as possible!
1 Week On Vyvanse (or Hoping To Answer Some Questions)
