I’ve been having a lot of bad foods days lately.
I honestly don’t know why.
I’m stocking my fridge and pantry with a lot of the same things that I was eating during the cleanse and weight loss challenge. But I’ll go out and get “bad” foods if they aren’t in my house. And I always immediately regret the fact that I ate the “bad” foods as soon as it’s done.
This isn’t a boredom thing. It’s just the nature of my eating disorder. I almost go into a trance state when it happens. I sometimes don’t realize that I ate something until I see the empty wrapper or container in front of me. It scares me that I can lose track of time and myself and not realize it.
I have no idea why I did so well while on the cleanse and I’m having a tough time now. It really makes no sense to me. But this is a pattern that I’ve had in the past. When I’m on a food plan that has a specific end goal (like my first hip surgery or the weight loss challenge), I can do ok. But when the goal is a general one, whatever keeps me on the right path goes away.
The one big difference between now and other times when I’ve lost a decent amount of weight is that I’m still continuing with my workouts (and pushing myself more and more). Having my workout consistency is helping me with not gaining all the weight back right away. In the past, the weight came back as fast (if not faster) than I lost it.
I have gained back some. It’s less than half of what I lost, so that’s not too horrible. And my weight has held steady for the past week and a half at the amount I’ve gained back. I’m working really hard at trying to get back down to where I was (and get lower). My clothes aren’t too tight, so I know that the weight I’ve gained could be water weight. Normally when it’s “real” weight, my clothes feel tight immediately.
I’m still trying to focus on the fact that I’m still weighing less now than I was at the beginning of the year. And I’m making steps to be at a weight that I need to get to in order to consider getting my hip surgery.
I’m not sure if I’ll have another bad food moment/day in the near future. I’m really going to try to stay focused on my time and not to let time slip away. I’m continuing to plan out all my meals and hopefully with having it written out early in the day will give me something to focus (while I don’t like the idea of counting down the minutes to my next meal, it might help keep me on track).
This is all just the nature of the beast of this eating disorder. I’m aware that this post might sound odd and rambling, but that’s how it is in my head. I’m trying to focus and put all these things in order but it doesn’t seem to have an order to go to.
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