I’m pretty open about my life on here. I try not to hide things from all of you and I don’t see the point in doing that (unless I’m waiting to share news for a specific reason). I’ve spent so long not being honest with myself to others (and to myself) that I don’t want to lie or share half-truths if I can avoid it. There’s just no reason to do that and I’m glad that I’ve found an outlet that I feel safe sharing on.
And I’ve been pretty open to my friends and family since being honest on here. Obviously, anyone who reads this blog knows about my eating disorder. And while some family and friends knew about it before I shared (or had guessed that I had it), not everyone did. But now that they do, we can talk about things without fear if we want to. Not everyone does want to talk about it, but I’m glad that people feel ok discussing things with me. I’ve been pretty open with my parents (I usually call them after seeing my therapist so I can update them on my medication dosage or what he has to say about my progress). And I’m glad that no matter if I want to share what’s going on or not, nobody has issues with it. There’s no question in my mind that since being open and honest that recovery is something that is a real possibility. When I was hiding things, there was no way that I could get the help that I needed or realize how deep into things I was. But now, I recognize my good moments and bad moments and have hope that the good will outweigh the bad in the future.
But I’ve become more open and honest outside of the blog lately. I’m sharing more on Facebook (not everyone I’m friends with on Facebook reads the blog). I’m commenting on posts I see about binge eating disorder and trying to answer some of the questions that some people have about it (or defending it when people claim it isn’t real and it’s an excuse people make for their weight issues). I’m even sharing my story on other blogs I write on.
So far, I’ve gotten a very positive response to my honesty and people have been very cool with what I’ve had to say. I used to think that people would see me as weak if I shared my issues with them, and I’m happy that I was totally wrong about it. Some people consider it strong to be honest, but to me I had to be honest for myself and not for others. But even random people who I end up sharing this news with have seemed to be interested in hearing my experience and my story.
But despite pretty much having a positive response, there have been some negative responses that makes me question if I should hide or lie about my eating disorder. I was sharing with someone about how much I love working out at Orangetheory and I had mentioned how much I love the heart rate monitors we wear. I have to be careful with my heart rate because of Vyvanse and wearing a heart rate monitor is the perfect way to make sure my heart rate isn’t getting too high (I can usually feel when it does, but it’s nice to have a backup too). The person I was talking to asked me why I like the heart rate monitors and I mentioned that I take medication that elevates my heart rate and I have to be careful. They asked what medication it was and I told them. Then they asked what it’s for and I told them.
Obviously, I could have kept this all private (and it could be seen as prying but I was fine answering things). And once I shared I have an eating disorder, this person got super weird and started to look at me like I was crazy. They asked the questions and I answered them, but it seemed like after saying my answers they regretted asking.
I know that it’s not my place to make people feel comfortable about my eating disorder (or anything for that matter). And if someone is going to ask me something about it I’m going to answer with as much truth as I can. If that makes them feel bad or awkward it is their problem and not mine. But it still made me question for a second if I was being too open about myself when I got that reaction from that person. It put doubt in my mind that I should be sharing what battles I’m facing.
I’m aware that this was all in my head and that I don’t need to change. I have tons of friends who are brave and honest about their depression, suicide attempts, eating disorders, alcoholism, and other addictions. Knowing the truth about them only makes me feel closer to them, so me sharing the truth hopefully does the same for them. But that self-doubt part of my brain is loud and sometimes I need to tell it to be quiet so I can move on and keep making progress the best way I can.