Tag Archives: weight loss

Planning Way Too Far Ahead (or I Want It Now)

Posted on August 28, 2012 | 1 comment

I have a bad habit of thinking a million steps ahead. If I have a big audition, I’m already thinking how amazing the paycheck will be and how long I could survive on it. When I’m trying to lose weight, I don’t focus one pound at a time (as I should), I get overwhelmed by the number of pounds I want to lose.

I also plan very far ahead when it comes to events. I was good and waited until this month to buy a dress for my friend’s wedding in October. But I also bought stuff on that trip to wear at Thanksgiving and a holiday party I know I’ll be attending.

My brother is getting married in a little over a year. I was texting with his fiancée last night and she said that they are planning on getting married in Kauai. I’m pretty excited about that because I haven’t been to Hawaii since I was 11 or 12.

So of course, last night I was already looking at what dresses would work for a Hawaiian wedding (definitely not the dress I got for my friend’s wedding). But styles could change in the next year.

I could change in the next year.

I’ve never really had a stable weight. I’m always going up or down. I never know what size I’ll be in the future. So planning ahead is tough.

I’d love to lose a majority of my excess weight by their wedding (I know that it’s totally possible). But whenever I have set a weight loss goal for a major event, I’ve failed. And that failure makes me feel horrible about myself.

So right now, I’m enjoying “window shopping” online for dresses. And I’m trying to focus on the small goals with my weight. I’m trying to look at the non-scale victories, because those seem easier to control.

Hopefully, those little victories that have nothing to do with the scale will increase my confidence and decrease the number on the scale, even if I’m not looking or focusing on it.

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Default ThumbnailEnjoying The Now (or Not Trying To Skip Ahead To The Good Parts) Default Thumbnail52 Weeks (or What Can I Do in a Year?) Default ThumbnailHow Long Can I Wait? (or Wanting To Shop At The Last Minute) Default ThumbnailA Free Weekday (or Planning Ahead For Fun Things) Default ThumbnailBaby Steps (or Trying To Be Proud Of The Little Victories) Default ThumbnailGetting Weighed In (or A New Orangetheory Challenge)

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Posted in Shopping, Weight Loss

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Fear of Failing (or How My Car Accident and Weight Loss Are Related)

Posted on August 15, 2012 | 2 comments

As I mentioned last week, I was in a car accident. I was hit while exiting my driveway, something that I do every single day. And ever since the accident, I’m so nervous when I’m leaving my driveway or making any type of turn into a new lane of traffic.

I’ve had this happen to me before. In 2005, I was rear ended twice within 30 days. Once on the freeway and once on Sunset Blvd. After those accidents, I would always watch in panic as the car behind me slowed down to a stop, hoping that I wouldn’t get hit again.

Last night, I was leaving the shopping center where I got some dinner at Subway and turned right into the street. I was panicky as I turned because even though I couldn’t see any cars coming, what if there was one without lights on, or that was speeding, or that pulled into traffic before I did. I hate this feeling, but I know that it’s what makes me a safe driver.

After I turned into the street, I realized I have the same feelings about losing weight. I did the losing weight part successfully many times. I’ve lost over 100 pounds multiple times. I’m just a failure at keeping the weight off. I’m so scared of failing again that I’m panicky about doing it again.

I’m so tired of being a disappointment to myself and the people who love me. I want to be successful. But I have to be ok with failing again in order to try. And that’s one of the mental blocks I’m in right now.

Since starting this blog, I’m down about 3 pounds. I fluctuate a lot, but when you average out the week, it’s 3 pounds lost. To some people, that might seem amazing, but when I think about what little percentage that is of what I have to lose, it’s overwhelming. I think that I should have lost 10 pounds by now. And that’s what society sets us up to think. So many diet plans talk about how losing 2 pounds a week is a good way to go.

But should I feel like crap because I’ve only lost 3 pounds instead of 10? I know that the answer is no, but I’m still trying to convince myself of that point.

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Default ThumbnailLosing Some Weight (or Confused If This Is Good) Default ThumbnailUnreal Reality TV (or I Need To Stop Comparing Myself) Default ThumbnailWeight Loss Update (or Why I’m Trying Not To Get Frustrated) Default ThumbnailAnother Weight Loss Challenge (or Getting Back On Track) Default ThumbnailHealth and Not Weight Loss (or My Current Game Plan) Default ThumbnailLearning From My Dental Situation (or How Getting A Crown is Educating Me on My Weight Loss)

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Posted in Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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Losing Weight The Techie Way (or My FitBit Fail)

Posted on August 3, 2012 | 1 comment

I like techie things. I love my computer, I might love my iPhone too much (I sleep with it next to me), and my brother just got me an AppleTV for my birthday. Ok, so maybe I don’t just like techie things, I love them.

So when I heard about the FitBit, it sounded awesome. It counts your steps, it keeps track of how active you are, and it’s so tiny, that even I can clip it on my bra without it being seen.

So I bought one yesterday, and it’s been nothing but trouble. Sorry to any FitBit people who read this, but it’s true.

It took me 2 hours to get it set up. For some reason, the dock would not recognize the device. And it’s never been able to sync. I try to force sync it, and nothing happens. I’ve done everything in the troubleshooting to fix it, but it still doesn’t work. And their customer service is only available by email, no phone calls or online chats.

I decided even with all those fails, I’d still try it today. Maybe I got a defective device and then I’d exchange it instead of returning it.

Nope.

When I rode my bike (inside on a stationary bike), somehow the FitBit thought that I had walked over 7,000 steps. Maybe you can’t wear it when you are working out? Seems weird. It still won’t sync. And the iPhone app only works if you can get the device to sync.

The only positive it had was that I could use MyFitnessPal to track food. But honestly, that’s not enough to want to keep it.

So I’ll be taking it back to the store tomorrow. If any of you have techie weight loss/workout things you love, please let me know. I love competing against myself and others and a plain pedometer just isn’t enough (plus, since I ride my bike as my main workout, the pedometer doesn’t register it).

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Default ThumbnailExcellent Customer Service (or A New Fitbit) Default ThumbnailSeeing What Other People See (or Losing Weight Without Losing Weight) Default ThumbnailI Really Am Doing Everything Right (or It’s Frustrating Not Losing Weight) Default ThumbnailLosing Some Weight (or Confused If This Is Good) Default ThumbnailGiving Fitbit Another Chance (or Doing Laps Around My Living Room) Default ThumbnailIt’s Not Really A Transformation Challenge Fail (or Trying To Be Less Competitive With Myself)

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Posted in Fitness, Shopping, Weight Loss

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Going Back Instead of Forward (or Trying to Learn From the What Ifs)

Posted on August 1, 2012 | 1 comment

Last night, I watched the women’s gymnastics team win gold. That was an awesome moment. I’ve always felt a connection to gymnastics. I did gymnastics for a few years as a kid (I can still do a cartwheel, roundoff, somersaults, and the splits). But I think my gymnastics interest peaked in 1996.

That was the year that the magnificent seven won the team gold medal. And Amy Chow was one of those seven girls. Amy Chow trained at the same gym that I went to as a kid. We were there at the same time (but not at all at the same level). I remember my mom telling me during the ’96 Olympics that she remembered watching Amy at the gym and seeing how amazing she was as a kid.

Back then, I wondered what would have happened if I never quit gymnastics. I honestly don’t remember why I quit (I think it had something to do with being fearful of the back handspring, but I might be remembering it wrong). Could I have been an Olympic caliber gymnast too?

I look back at my life at various points and wonder what if. Sometimes, I drive myself crazy with what ifs. One that kills me is wondering what if I tried to lose the weight when I wasn’t as heavy. Or what if I had realized that I wasn’t horribly fat and just needed to lose a little weight.

The picture below is the day I moved into my freshman dorm at Loyola Marymount University. I’m standing next to my best friend Kate.

I remember feeling so unbelievably fat in that picture. Those shorts were bought at Lane Bryant, and they were the first item that I ever bought there. I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t shopping at BP in Nordstroms.

Now when I look at that picture, I wish I looked like that. Yes, I was bigger than my friend, but I looked pretty normal.

If only I knew then what I knew now. Along with my eating disorder, I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder and body dysmorphia. I don’t see my body the same way that the world sees it.

When I lost weight in 2006, I had a trainer. And my trainer would compare my body to others working out in the gym so I could have a sense of what my smaller body looked like. But without her constantly in my ear, I stopped seeing the reality and started to see my fake body in my head.

This time, I’m focusing on my objective benchmarks. I have a love/hate relationship with my scale, so I will use that, but I can’t always trust it. I’m using a tape measure for waist/hip measurements as well as paying attention to my clothing size.

I know that I can’t go back and change what I’ve done, but I’m really trying hard to learn my lessons from the past.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Set Back (or Why Can’t I Just Learn My Lesson) Default ThumbnailBiggest Loser Finale (or I Wish I Didn’t Have To Write About This) Default ThumbnailGetting Weighed In (or A New Orangetheory Challenge) Default ThumbnailMy Love/Hate Relationship with the Scale (or Can I Drop Kick a Scale without Hurting Myself?) Default ThumbnailWeight Loss Update (or Why I’m Trying Not To Get Frustrated) Default ThumbnailLunch and Learn (or Learning More About My Next 5K)

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Sharing the Truth (or It’s Time To Rip Off the Band-Aid)

Posted on July 26, 2012 | 11 comments

There are some things that I just love to share with everyone (I mean, hello, I’m writing a blog!). But there are other things that I either keep to myself or share half truths about.

I’ve found that being secretive like this is dangerous. When something isn’t out in the open, it eats you up inside.

The two main things I’ve been secretive about in the past are my issues with food and my credit card debt.

I kept my credit card debt a secret because I didn’t know anybody else with debt. Maybe student loans, but not credit cards. Nobody in my family really has credit card debt. I was taught to always pay off the full balance each month. And I did do that for a while. But then I found myself without a job. And I still had bills to pay. So they went on my credit card. And now, I have debt.

But I’m working my way towards paying it off. It’s going to take some time, but I’ll do it. And once I started telling people I had debt, I started hearing from other people that are in the same situation as me. For some reason, people don’t like to talk about it, so it feels like something to be ashamed of. But it’s not. So here I am saying that I have credit card debt, it sucks, but I’m working on paying it off.

My issues with food is something harder for me to discuss. This is something that I’ve dealt with my entire life, and I’ve only been honest with myself for the last few years. For those of you who don’t know me that well (or I just haven’t told you this yet), I have an eating disorder. I’ve probably had it most of my life, but it was only properly diagnosed when I was in college. The thing that sucks the most for me is that I don’t have anorexia or bulimia, I am a binge eater. And that seems to be the eating disorder that isn’t as studied or as common to hear about. Most people are pretty secretive about having it. So as I’ve tried to get treatment, it’s very difficult to find someone who understands my disorder and doesn’t try to treat me as a bulimic.

So revealing this to you all is a big step. And I only had the courage to do it after something that happened yesterday. I was out at happy hour at Bodega with my best friend. She and I have been friends for 20 years, so she’s more than just my best friend, she’s my family. We were deciding on what food to order for dinner when I had mentioned that I hadn’t really had too much food that day. I was saving my calories for happy hour. I wanted to prove it, so I got out my phone and showed her my food diary I keep on My Fitness Pal (which is an awesome app). We were laughing about it and she mentioned that she uses the app too. For some crazy reason, in my head I only thought that people who use the app are people struggling to lose weight. But my friend doesn’t have a weight problem. She’s super in shape and has even done a marathon before!

And then it hit me. Keeping track of your food is something that normal people do. Just like how I’m not the only one with debt, I’m not the only one who tracks my food and workout calories. Somehow, this made me feel so much better. I don’t need to be ashamed of tracking my food and trying to live a healthy lifestyle. This is what I should be sharing with everyone.

So I am.

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Posted in Food, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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Hello (or Tomorrow Never Comes)

Posted on July 16, 2012 | 3 comments

I’ve been putting off writing this post for a long time. I wanted to wait until I had an idea of what this blog would be about, or when I had my page looking beautiful, or when I had something amazing to write, or after I had written a lot of posts offline and then was able to post them all at once…

Procrastination sucks.

So, here I am writing this post finally. I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m saying something. I created this blog because I wanted to find a way to keep me accountable as I try to lose weight (for the millionth time) and as I try to start being more financially responsible. Turns out, being overweight and having credit card debit can be related (http://www.fivecentnickel.com/2010/11/10/debt-and-obesity-whats-the-connection/).

So here I am trying to create a healthy lifestyle and checkbook at the same time. Hope you enjoy my journey. I’m not quite sure where it’s going, but it’s going somewhere.

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